"MOTHER'S DAY A TRIGGERING DAY FOR ME"
For me Mother's Day is triggering for me. This is a day that will most likely trigger me for quite awhile. A couple years of my coming out to my parents I reached out to my mom by sending her a text wishing her a Happy Mother's Day and signed it her daughter as that is what I am no matter what anyone may say. She responded by saying thank you for the Mother's Day wish but also she said that her and my dad will always love me but I would always be their son and never their daughter. I thought to myself when I disclosed my gender identity that she completely ignored me and my gender identity and thinking to myself thank you for ignoring it which is important to me that is my gender identity and I still feel the hurt that I felt when I got her text responding to my text. It feels as though she stuck me with a knife which still kills my joy when it is triggered. Knowing that it is going to be Mother's Day tomorrow I am feeling myself still feeling the pain that her response to me and it still cuts me deeply. She didn't grow up in the church and didn't go till towards the end of her high school years. Since she started going to church till all those years later I feel that those scenerios she changed as a person. For most of my life she was a very sweet person and now I feel that she is evil which is both the church and my dad's fault. It still hurts that she choose my dad over me. They choose their religion over my mental health, happiness and well-being. Father's Day has a completely different reaction for me. When Father's Day arrives I get these extremely angry feelings as I wasn't close to my dad growing up unlike my mom which is why I cry when it comes to Mother's Day.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, Her, Hers
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality, Trans Advocate
hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
[email protected]
"GOP'S PLAN OF DESTRUCTION OF DEMOCRACY & the STRIPPING OF RIGHTS OF THE MINORITY"
Here is the plan of the GOP and it is evil in it's entirety. Those of us who aren't captured by them and being brainwashed know they want to destroy democracy and we can see the writing on the wall that they are wanting to strip away rights of ALL minorities especially the ones that they do not agree with. It all started with striking down Roe that I started to see their evil plan plainly coming into a much BIGGER plan than ever before. This was a HUGE sign to me that my focus on their plan became clearer than ever before to me. Once they stripped any abled body to making a decision on their own body autonomy then they can do the same to the trans community. They proceeded to do that to the trans youth which started by telling a false narrative that 1st off that the trans youth are having surgeries before they were 18 years old which is a HUGE lie. They claim that we are mutalating them of which is only a deflection or admitting to their own guilt of doing just that to intersex children. They say that puberty blockers are chemically alterating the children permanently which is a falsehood. Real shocker right? If the child were to get off puberty blockers they would go straight to their puberty of their assigned sex and if they don't and go onto hormones of their assigned sex they would save themselves the trouble of undoing the damage that their assigned sex puberty they would have to go through like I have had to do. This is going to affect more than trans children or trans people. They can't even wait to finish this part of their plan so they are going after trans adults and even going after drag queens in particular. They are going after as many of the greater LGBTQ+ community as they can in one swipe. In states such as Alabama, Oregon, Tennessee and Vermont will decide on state constitutional amendments prohibiting slavery according to The Pew Charitable Trusts online which was online back in August 22, 2022 which the GOP is wanting to truly go back to the 1950s which to me is extremely appalling to say the least. Before seeing that I had predicted they would try to get slavery back as legal and to my disappointment I was correct on that. They are going after other minorities of this I can promise you as well. They want their America to Make America White Again (MAWA.) That is plain ole disgusting. Their spreading of lies to anyone that isn't white is a HUGE sign of their intentions to me to say the least. Blaming COVID on the Chinese is just one group they are attacking. They want closed borders to keep those on the southern border of America to being kept from entering in this country. But it started with the Indigenous people which they keep writing and rewriting treaties with them to further push them off their land that our ancestors pushed their ancestors off this land the ones that our ancestors didn't slaugher. That's right our ancestors slaughtered their ancestors not the other way around as we were taught in school. Our ancestors were the savages not their ancestors. We are living on stolen land that we didn't earn at all. Yeah you can our history that we were taught was whitewashed and I feel lied to. The other group that will feel the GOP's wrath will be those who are Muslim as they were the 1st group that 45 went after he stolen the election from Hillary. Yeah he had some nerve to say that Biden had stolen the election from him when he truly had stolen the election from Hillary or as he referred to as "Crooked Hillary." Every lie he tells is an admission to guilt. If you want the evidence look at every lie they say who they hate and why we should and they are guilty of that. Now they want to destroy democracy because they know they can't win an election the fair way at all which is why they are gerrymandering every where they know they can't win the election. Now Marjorie Taylor-Greene wants if any person who is a Democrat who moves from a blue state to a red state to not being allowed to vote for 5 years. The GOP's plan is to put their narrow-minded interpretation of their chosen version of the bible into the US constitution and they I feel will go even further than that which we all will be required to have that bible ourselves and go to an approved church and make us all their kinda Christian so they can indoctrinate us like they accuse of doing to children because they say we are making their children either trans or LGBTQ+ which is a false lie. This is a complete and utter powerplay to control the masses as they see fit so we need to defeat at the polls and as 45 said in his show "The Apprentice" YOU'RE FIRED!!!
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, HER, HERS
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality, Trans Advocate
[email protected]
[email protected]k here to edit.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, HER, HERS
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality, Trans Advocate
[email protected]
[email protected]k here to edit.
"DETRANSITIONERS WHO HAVE TRANSPHOBIC REASONS"
It seems like there is a growing trend of so-called trans people who are "detransitioning" make it look like the number of detransitioning increase but that is not the case at all. I'm getting all goddamn motherfucking pissed at this shit as it is making the trans community look really bad and making the fucking transphobes look incredibly credible and I am here to stop this goddamn motherfucking shit stop and stop IMMEDIATELY!!! Mama bear is not only letting her claws all the way OUT but the gloves are also COMING OFF!!! I can't be silent on this subject as I need to protect my trans family and rapidly and come to our defense. Before recently I only knew of 2 detransitioners personally and one more than the other and now I have had 4 friends whom have detransitioned. The last 2 are doing it from a transphobic reasoning and it is pissing me the FUCK off. Here on my blog post there is no sensoring myself at all so please do not get offended on here with all the cussing here. I am just really PISSED THE FUCK OFF!!! Okay? I am not the only trans person that feels the way that I do when I think there are "fake trans people" who fake being trans to transition and announce it loud and proud then they are even louder announcing their detransitioning journey and journey every single time with the intention to hurt the trans community. Me and a friend refer to them as Detransitioner Plants!. They are planted and get into our community only to gain our trust and they even look legit which is a part of their "EVIL PLAN" which infurriate me greatly. These last 2 that I know only through social media as in Facebook to be exact made it feel as though I was kicked in the goddamn motherfucking tummy extremely hard. But luckily my mental health has been extremely fabulous that I am only pissed off and fighting mad. I am fucking tired of having to clean up messes by those who are either in our community or as in these cases fake as Fuck. I have to rectify this shit and rapidly before transphobes can use this shit to further damage the trans community. These people need to be deplatformed and quickly. They are spreading misinformation making us look bad. In fact very little of the trans community actually detransitions to be honest. These fake ass motherfucking trans people aren't actually trans and thus making the detransition numbers higher than they actually are. It is enough to face cisgender people who are transphobic and TERFS which the Republican Politicians consist of. It was enough of an attack from Michael Knowles wanting to eradicate so-called transgenderism which is actually calling for a genecide of ALL trans people to now face off detransitioners who are intentionally hurting the trans community. Time to take out the Goddamn Motherfucking GARBAGE!!!
For me coming out and transitioning actually saved my life. Gender affirming care is life saving care. Before transitioning physicially I was constantly thinking of committing suicide and I will always be a recovering cutter. Now I have had 2 suicide attempts which could have easily been number 3 and 4 but that wasn't because of me being trans. I just came off the mental health leave of absence for 45 days. Earlier in the year I was doing what they refer to as "doom scrolling" which caused me to cut myself and it was the worst one that I have ever done then immediately I got drunk intentionally which this caused me to pass out. I was looking at politics way too much as in a obsessive way and it was more than staying informed which caused my mental health to dip dramatically and having to fight my insurance company for my T Blockers which aren't Spiro but Finastride and I tried to explain to the insurance company that they are not cosmetic as I need this medication to save my life and it went into one ear through the other. Luckily I have a Good RX card now then I had to fight off a coworker who she is a transphobic/homophobic/ableist piece of shit which that caused another mental health episode. I learned that I had a meeting with my management team and I made threatening comments of wanting to cut and or commit suicide because I was fearing of losing my job when that coworker and I got into along with my gay friend who also has a learning disability and I got noticeably pissed off and I was sent home so hence why I had a meeting with management. Thanks to me and my Union Rep who is also a trans woman saved my job by getting me help by providing the person who works with those like me who are autistic accomadations of which I got and that saved my job. Since I was off for 45 days I worked on my mental health and back to having therapy weekly and now I am working with a speech therapist who also works with behavior issues with those who are autistic I am back to having my mental health increase in the correct direction. So I am ready to fight for the trans rights and fighting off all that are actively hurting us. I am using my voice to get out our word out in my perspective viewpoint.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality, Trans Adocate
hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
[email protected]
For me coming out and transitioning actually saved my life. Gender affirming care is life saving care. Before transitioning physicially I was constantly thinking of committing suicide and I will always be a recovering cutter. Now I have had 2 suicide attempts which could have easily been number 3 and 4 but that wasn't because of me being trans. I just came off the mental health leave of absence for 45 days. Earlier in the year I was doing what they refer to as "doom scrolling" which caused me to cut myself and it was the worst one that I have ever done then immediately I got drunk intentionally which this caused me to pass out. I was looking at politics way too much as in a obsessive way and it was more than staying informed which caused my mental health to dip dramatically and having to fight my insurance company for my T Blockers which aren't Spiro but Finastride and I tried to explain to the insurance company that they are not cosmetic as I need this medication to save my life and it went into one ear through the other. Luckily I have a Good RX card now then I had to fight off a coworker who she is a transphobic/homophobic/ableist piece of shit which that caused another mental health episode. I learned that I had a meeting with my management team and I made threatening comments of wanting to cut and or commit suicide because I was fearing of losing my job when that coworker and I got into along with my gay friend who also has a learning disability and I got noticeably pissed off and I was sent home so hence why I had a meeting with management. Thanks to me and my Union Rep who is also a trans woman saved my job by getting me help by providing the person who works with those like me who are autistic accomadations of which I got and that saved my job. Since I was off for 45 days I worked on my mental health and back to having therapy weekly and now I am working with a speech therapist who also works with behavior issues with those who are autistic I am back to having my mental health increase in the correct direction. So I am ready to fight for the trans rights and fighting off all that are actively hurting us. I am using my voice to get out our word out in my perspective viewpoint.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality, Trans Adocate
hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
[email protected]
"THE LATEST UPDATE ON MY FAMILY"
The latest update of me and my family is that I finally heard from my 2nd oldest niece. Though we haven't spoke through video message she has sent me a text and I responded back. My heart is feeling even more full and it feels amazing. Being separated from those that I truly miss that is my nieces and nephews are the only family that I miss and girl do I miss them greatly. I can't care about those that do not want to both love and accept me and support me emotionally but I sure do miss my nieces and nephews. My nieces and nephews are my heart and soul and they are my world. Learning a few or couple years ago the abuse that they went through still angers me but I am glad that they have so much resolve. Though they have to go through therapy to get them through that trauma they seem to be doing well considering that very event. I when I heard that they were physically abused that triggered me in stuff that I had buried away way before I had came out. I had forgot the stuff that I had endured and finally realized that I too was abused just not like them. I am never going to compare my own abuse because their abuse that they had endured is what matters to me most. Ever since they entered my world they have meant so much to me and still do. When I had noticed that my 2nd oldest niece had sent me a text I cried in a very good emotional way. Though we hadn't talked or messaged each other other than me attempting to video chat with her she had accepted my Facebook friend request. I tried twice to video chat with her but I figured she had to process the whole thing of me coming out and transition which I understand quite well. It took me a long time to come to that conclusion myself as well. When someone only knew you as someone completely different it can be quite the change that simply needs to be processed.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Advocate
She, Her, Hers
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
[email protected]
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Advocate
She, Her, Hers
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
[email protected]
"UPDATE ON MY LIFE"
Ever since my Thanksgiving like the very next day to be exact I after waking up I was checking my Facebook and noticed by chance that I had a message request from my oldest Niece whose name I will not mention to keep her identity protected. I saw little what she had said and couldn't read it at 1st because I was shaking so much and was extremely emotional like as in I was crying with tears and great joy and appreciation. Then I started to read her message to me and quickly responded back and then I proceeded to start to get ready for work because I was due to be clocked in at 10 in the morning. Some time during my shift which work wasn't busy at all so I decided to try and have a video chat with her. At first she didn't respond but then she quickly called me back and we saw each other for the very 1st time since she was 9 years. By this time she is 18. When I came out and started to transition we lost contact because my dad had kicked me out of the family because of my family's religious views and he didn't want me to hurt his reputation. He cared more about his reputation than my own mental health and well-being and my happiness. He would rather have a dead son than a mentally healthy, happy and well-adjusted daughter. Anyways her and I are Facebook friends and thanks to her letting me know that her sister is my 2nd oldest niece we are back in contact as well.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Advocate She, Her, Hers Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com [email protected] |
"WHAT I'M THANKFUL FOR"
With Thanksgiving coming up I am thinking what I am most thankful for during this time. Now I am may not technically celebrate this holiday being where it's origins come from being that my ancestors slaughtered the Indigenous people's ancestors which led to America being ours is completely wrong and I highly condemn this action and what it led to. But I still think about what I am most thankful for. Now when people think about trans people such as I am what could I be thankful for? Well there is more to be thankful than one would think there is. Compared to the average trans person I do indeed live a charmed life one compared to the average trans person I am quite wealthy compared to them rather you look globally or nationally. Not to toot my own horn but I have a whole lot more privilege than the average trans person. A lot of privilege that I hold I simply stumbled into by luck but I do acknowledge my privilege just the same. First off I was born in Phoenix, Arizona which is liberal area and where I saw diversity in person even as young as I may have been. My race, white people are not the majority. I was surrounded by people of color, Asians, Latino people and Indigenous people. If one were to walk into a Wal-Mart for instance in Wal-Mart and you are white you would notice that you would stick out like a sore thumb. Phoenix is where I learned to not be Xenophobic. Then before I was 8 years old me and my family move to Bloomington, Indiana which is another liberal town there is where I learned about diversity this time is what there are LGBTQ+ and trans people along with other races. These places that I lived was a stroke of pure luck for me which I had to do nothing to earn.
Before coming out and transitioning I was never the one to truly socialize. Even with my closest friends I held them at an arm's length fearing they would see the real me and not want anything to do with me being that back then I hung around Christian Conservatives. But ever since my coming out and transitioning the further along I was on my transition the more social I became. Ever since the healing of me and my mental health issues that has become more evident that I am rapidly becoming the Social Butterfly. There are still days where I socialize more one time then the next not so much but that has more to do with me being autistic. I am these days well connected with so many people out in the LGBTQ+ and or trans communities along with Allies. I am more engaging with people then I have ever before. Though my gender dysphoria is still there like as in I need to have Penile Inversion Vaginoplasty to lower my gender dysphoria most of the way I am feeling more comfortable being who I am and mostly in my own skin.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Advocate
She, Her, Hers
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
[email protected]
Before coming out and transitioning I was never the one to truly socialize. Even with my closest friends I held them at an arm's length fearing they would see the real me and not want anything to do with me being that back then I hung around Christian Conservatives. But ever since my coming out and transitioning the further along I was on my transition the more social I became. Ever since the healing of me and my mental health issues that has become more evident that I am rapidly becoming the Social Butterfly. There are still days where I socialize more one time then the next not so much but that has more to do with me being autistic. I am these days well connected with so many people out in the LGBTQ+ and or trans communities along with Allies. I am more engaging with people then I have ever before. Though my gender dysphoria is still there like as in I need to have Penile Inversion Vaginoplasty to lower my gender dysphoria most of the way I am feeling more comfortable being who I am and mostly in my own skin.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Advocate
She, Her, Hers
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
[email protected]
"LESSON I LEARNED ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH"
I learned an extremely valuable lesson that involves my mental and let me tell you how I learned that. I had an incident that involves me and a coworker who is transphobic/homophobic and an ableist. With me being a trans woman who is a lesbian who is polyamorous and me being autistic this coworker attacked me with an verbal assault while I work in an inclusive environment. Before this occurred her and I had trouble before and my mental health before I had healed it and then I had learned how to deal with this properly and did everything that had been asked of me pertaining to this. I then for a couple of months had repaired my mental health being that I finally used what I had been equipped with from my therapist. My mental health kept right on soaring till it plateaued. When it had plateaued I became complacent and pumped the breaks and stopped checking with myself to see how I was mentally and that is when my coworker had once again had verbally assaulted me. I didn't notice that she was before this breaking me down slowly and thought I was just flat out frustrated when it was my mental health was being broken down slowly. I started bringing work home with me mentally is what started my mental health slowly breaking down. When she attacked me I did absolutely nothing wrong and I said I had enough and can't take it that I am calling the police because there was no manager on duty and tell them I had just been verbally assaulted. After talking with the Campus police and them asking me if she threatened me or if she laid hands on me I had to be honest and said no to both questions and how they couldn't do anything but they had the building managers and they talked to me and her separately and interviewed everybody else that was present in my department. I then called my boss's boss who then called my boss and she came back to work and interviewed everybody who was present and just before I was to leave the building and right after clocking out I was called back in to talk to the boss and some bosses on the phone I was asked what had occurred and then I was told that my next shift I wouldn't work because I was suspended due to there needing to be an investigation. I found out later that I was suspended without pay which confused me with me being the victim. After talking to another coworker who was there up close to the situation and we both started to realize that I will be paid at a later date because I was the victim. My department and Indiana University is just protecting them legally because like me my coworker is part of a protected group though I am a part of two protected classes with my being queer and autistic while she is a person of color. She has had problems not just with me but other coworkers and I was told there was something in the background that I can't know of but to hang on and be patient. Before this she had intentionally hurt herself on the job and she was going through rehab so they can't fire her till that is done and plus my management has been going to a coworker of mine who he is also a person of color so she can't play the race card and she can't play the discrimination card because of her being a Christian and she can't play the sex discrimination card because she thinks that I am a man. I just have to be patient and stay away from her as much as possible till they can legally fire her. She is going to be fired but they can't do it till her rehab is all done because they do not want her to be able to sue them for firing her for her getting hurt on the job. Her getting hurt on the job was planned so she can use it to protect from getting fired. Since this incident I have been working tirelessly repairing my mental health and it has been a rapid healing as it is actually better than before and it is increasing even more. I have been rapid repairing my mental health by listening to the Holden Even Prayer on YouTube every day for almost a week and this time unlike the last time I will not be pumping the breaks as I learned that my mental health will be an issue for the rest of my life because anything that reminds me of the past will instantly trigger me and so I can't stop this checking in with myself on the daily basis.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Advocate
She, her, hers
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
[email protected]
"Mental Health Awareness"
For someone that has had mental health issues for most of her life mental health awareness is near and dear to my heart. It wasn't until recently that I resolved most of my issues with my mental health. It wasn't until I got Covid back a week before classes started here at Indiana University that I had some valuable alone time to work on them. Now I am an employee at IU but I had to have some down time which did me a world of good. I had time to chew on things that had happened in my life to resolve most of them. It also didn't help that I also lost some much needed weight. I started to notice that mental health affects the physical well being. Before resolving these issues also led me to fill a void in my life that my parents left when I came out as a trans woman who just so happens to be a lesbian who is polyamorous who reclaims the word being queer. I grew up in a Christian conservative type such as a Republican Church of Christ in particular. They teach that you have to live a "traditional way of life and I tried every way to live up to that. Earlier on in my life I had learned only about 5 years ago that when I wasn't even 8 that I was acted feminine and wouldn't stop at my dad's urging me to stop and he had enough that he smacked me across the month. Much later in life around this time I finally noticed and admitted that he abused me in every way except sexually. This is the very reason I shied away anything associated with anything feminine and why I suppressed those feminine. During the time of Covid I started to heal mentally and with each passing day me and my mental health started to heal and I started to heal my health as well. I started noticing that the energy I once had that I never thought would never return because of my age started to reappear. I am much faster physically then the college-aged students and I am a little over 45 years old. My mental health keeps right on spiking in the correct direction and it is really keep improving more and more every day. I have noticed that my self confidence, self-esteem, self-value and self worth have increased every since this terrible disease. I am noticing that it is easier to see the needle in the needle stack. Meaning that I can find the little good surrounded by a bunch of bad. Sometimes I have to work harder then others to find the good but I will eventually find the good. I am smiling much more these days and being more positive and my energy lasts longer these days too. My endurance feels so great that I am simply amazed. My positive energy simply attracts people instead of my negative mood which does the complete opposite. I am also much more friendly which that is much easier these days. Since my mental health has increased I find that I no longer need to feel the void in my life financially which led me to being financially health and even my faith in my God and Jesus has gotten so good that I can listen to Christian music without it triggering me being that my religion that I once believed in was weaponized against me when I came out and started to transitioning. I also noticed that I am watching what I consume when it comes to eating. I am now eating to obtain nutrition instead of feeling the void that once was in my life.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Advocate
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
[email protected]
She, Her, Hers
"SARA'S IMPROVING LIFE UPDATE"
Ever since I got Covid over a month ago my life has completely changed in ways that I never could ever see possible. During the last day of isolation I noticed that my tummy was getting flatter and I then thought to weigh myself. I did actually lost weight and thought this is exactly the motivation I needed to continue losing weight. I rapidly changed my whole diet. I cut off burgers at 1st to lower my Blood Pressure but noticed I started losing weight quickly. So I decided to eat healthier. I have since quit eating burgers all together which is hard to imagine consider it had been an addiction for most of my life. Now I still eat burgers but it started with veggie burgers but then I accidentally bought Vegan burgers instead of veggie burgers when I started getting low on veggie burgers. I then noticed I enjoy vegan burgers better then veggie burgers and now I eat vegan burgers. I completely cut out bacon which is another surprise. I drink mostly water except 2 days a week where I drink on Mondays a child sized sweet iced tea but with no refills instead I drink water after that. I drink my Pink Drink from Starbucks on Saturdays but other than that it is water other than a juice at church for Coffee hour after church. I do allow this other cheat at work which is one or two pastries then cut myself off from having more. I also do a portion control on food that I eat which is a HUGE reason why I lose weight the most. During my isolation I began working on my mental health and did some chewing on things and started to flip my thinking from negative to positive. I read the news still but not in an obsession. I still want to be informed I just don't find the negative stories like I used to. I am finding that losing the weight like I have been which lead to getting in better health and working on my mental health led improvement in 2 other ways. The improvement in one of the ways I have been finding that I have been spending less money on wants that I used to fill the void by most of my family since coming out and transitioning. I also watch not filling the void by consuming unhealthy food which led to another area of improvement. That other area of improvement led to me having the most money in my bank the most that I have had in over a decade like in almost 2 decades. My self worth, self esteem and self value increased because of all these changes which inspires me to do more. I simply want better for myself. I want to keep improving and there is always room for improvement. I want to keep on growing overall as a person and be the best version of myself. I am finding that more people want to be around me because of my positivity and me being real and authentic. My work has been improving. I am doing everything the management wants me to do and I am even taking on challenges that I am passing with flying colors. My management team I found has my back completely. Whenever I have experienced discrimination based on my race and my gender identity they really take their Non Discrimination policy seriously. I feel that I am truly being supported by them and that simply is also improving my mental health. I knew that I could bring all of myself to work as long as it is being professional and now I know it even more. I am loving life so much that I want to live as long as possible. I want to be a thorn to the other side when it comes to social justice for all minority groups and not just for the trans and LGBTQ+ communities but to ALL minority groups. My thinking is when one minority group is being attacked that ALL minority groups need to fight alongside the group being attacked and I am constantly making that a point of interest when I share this thought with them. I love rallying the minority groups but wished that we didn't have to fight for our rights but will do it in a moment's notice. I am finding the motivation to achieve rights for all and not just for some. I want all to have an equal share when it comes to rights and come to the table as one. I am simply hungry when it comes to living. I am passionate more than ever and it is showing up HUGE. I will not back down one iota when it comes to equality. We are all human beings and we should all have the same rights as everyone else.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole,
She, Her, Hers
Trans Rights Advocate, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
http://[email protected]
[email protected]
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole,
She, Her, Hers
Trans Rights Advocate, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
http://[email protected]
[email protected]
" THE MENTAL HEALTH & WEIGHT UPDATE OF SARA COLE"
There's a HUGE update when it pertains to me and my mental health and my weight. It actually took an act of catching the Coronavirus a 2nd time. There was some good that came with getting sick a week before classes that began at Indiana University. I though work at Indiana University at The Indiana Memorial Union mostly picking up trash and doing dishes on Saturdays. So the 5 days I had to self isolate really helped looking back. I caught the virus being I was a close contact with someone who too is vaccinated just like me. She was around the homeless community where most of them aren't vaccinated at all. She came to a local trans support community of which I am in charge these days. She told me the next day she tested positive for the virus. So before isolating I took precautions and wore a face mask till I worked on Thursday in Early August. Then it hit me sometime Thursday and pushed through my shift and already knew I wasn't coming to work till the following Wednesday. At 1st it was hard but I did the right thing and called off work on Friday and Saturday and let them know I won't be back till Wednesday. Luckily Sunday and Monday are days off so I only had to miss work the next week on Tuesday. I took the necessary time to take care of myself. It was hard not being in person at church and I actually after getting off Zoom for church got angry at those who refuse to do the right thing when it comes to the Coronavirus. When I am at my sickest I usually lose my emotions and don't feel anything but when my emotions start coming back is when I am starting to be on the mend. My emotions all of them started to come back more and more with time. I took the time to take care of my mental health. Before getting sick I started to check in with myself when it comes to my mental health. Anyways when I was in isolation I started to chew on things when it pertains to my mental health and even started to heal when it comes to my faith as well. Before getting sick I check my weight before I eat any food and after using the facilities which is right after I get up. Since being sick I have been losing weight and really started to lose weight at 1st due to this whole ordeal. I noticed that I was skinnier like as my tummy being flatter then before being sick. Every so often I am losing weight and my appetite though still there I became hyper focused in keeping my eating in check. I started eating chicken or fish, limiting myself when it comes to eating my sweets. I allow myself one or two sweets when I work and then cutting myself off. I eat smaller portions and drink even more water then I was being sick. I noticed that I am much happier mentally then I have ever been in my entire life. My mental health is improving on the daily and it feels so great!!! Losing weight has led me to being more active and more energy then I have felt in a long time. I smile ear to ear. I am simply at peace. I still need bottom surgery for a trans woman and know that being in a great place mentally before having surgery will go a long way. I have wanted to diet but it took getting sick to get me there and now I am extremely focused. I have the motivation to continue with this diet and lose even more weight then ever before and it feels great. In fact as I am typing this I am crying happy tears. I have wanted to improve my mental health and having the down time that I so badly needed I started working on myself mentally. I have even been told by friends on Facebook that they love my more positive posts which further drives me to continue in healing when it pertains to me and my mental health. I am more positive then I could possibly imagine and gotta keep it up. I am actually more friendly to people even more and can't stop smiling at least till I am thoroughly exhausted then I get sleepy. I sleep better too which is another good affect that getting Covid gave me. These days I find it easier to find the needle in a needle stack. Even being surrounded by a lot of bad I can find the good. There are times where it takes a bit more effort to find the good but I can eventually find it. Even before coming out and transitioning I was getting more negative with each passing day and I am now returning to days of yester year of going back to being positive. There are days where I still deal with frustration but even then I find time to get me through that as well. Now it doesn't mean that I don't have bad days but I make sure I don't go to bed angry and relax when I am alone. I continue doing self care as I have it scheduled every day and make sure I check in with myself how I am mentally. I gave up burgers but for a different reason. I have blood pressure issues so that is why I gave up burgers except if they are veggie burgers or the vegan burgers I bought accidentally to back up my veggie burgers. I love eating healthier and I don't feel that I am being deprived. I am simply loving life no matter what. Whenever I hear stuff about me being trans that is negative as long as I am not feeling that my safety is being threatened I let it go. Like a friend of mine that said to me long ago of which I now understand, "Like water off a duck's back." (Sarah Akemon) Meaning it is simply just words and consider the source and let it slide. I so get it these days and use it every day that I hear transphobe that I am not feeling threatened. Now if I am feeling threatened then it is whole different animal and it will bother me because I do not want to be hurt physically or even murdered for simply being trans.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality, Trans Advocate
[email protected]
She, Her, Hers
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality, Trans Advocate
[email protected]
She, Her, Hers
"The GRowth of Sara cole"
There has been a time where I have been more of a negative person then one that is positive during my transition. Before my coming out and transitioning I was slowly becoming more negative as I got older but during my transition I have been cynical. For most of my transition I have been really upset with how things had turn out. I hated how my family well that is my parents and my sister disowned and me being depressed when I would see families together even ones that I didn't know and become really jealous and wonder out loud why can't I? But looking back I am glad that my family well most of them are out of my life. My family are a bunch of Trump supporters and I am so glad that I don't have to hear how great he is and how he had the election stolen from him and how the wearing of face masks is against their religious freedom and against their constitutional rights. Another thing great about not having my nuclear family in my life I didn't have to be in the middle of my sister and brother-in-law being arrested for physically abusing my nieces and nephews.
There was also a time where I didn't like being a trans person especially one being born in a Christian Conservative Church of Christ Republican house. But now I love the fact that I am a trans woman. Being a trans woman has completely changed me in ways I would not or could see the advantages. I more than changed from living my birth sex to my gender identity or even from trying to be straight to more than acknowledging my being a lesbian. I have become a more loving person. Along my journey of transition I have fought for marriage equality, for Black Lives Matter and for Pro Choice. Before my coming out I had internalized transphobia, internalized homophobia but that all changed after acknowledging my true feelings for the very 1st time. Way back when I was only a teenager I was dragged against my will to "Pro Birth" rallies and I have since reconciled that by going to Pro Choice rallies 2 of them before they moved to Indianapolis. I even spoke out loud to both of them to further make up what I had to endure as a teenager.
As I have to endure of being sick with Coronavirus I have time to slow down and keep to myself and heal but more importantly I have got more time to slow down and contemplate about life in general especially my transition and my personal growth as a person. I am doing more looking for the needle in the needle stack. If one looks hard enough as in put in the real effort in doing so one can find the good even surrounded by a lot of bad. Take for instance being born as a trans female one that is born into a Church of Christ Republican family that is rough but if I look hard enough it gives me perspective that most do not have. For most of my life I tried being a man who is a Republican and attended the Church of Christ which for those that do not know that is a traditional kinda church. 1st off my 1st perspective is I have lived the best that I can in being a man and nowadays I live as the woman I am truly. I have a much better understanding of what a cisgender woman goes through on the daily basis. Like for instance I do not like to being treated as a piece of meat by a man. I am a human being. I have other qualities then just being beautiful. I have a brain that I can use to learn. I do have opinions and I am smarter than they see me being. Before transitioning my opinions of what I had was heard although not as much others but I was heard and at least thought of smarter than I do now. I was heard before coming out and now I rarely get heard. When I am heard I have to be louder or use the voice I am not comfortable using that I feel sounds more male. I am more comfortable using my voice when I am talking softer that is when I sound more female to me. So using my louder voice I would rather not use so I wouldn't trigger gender dysphoria. But I have heard the times when I sound male to me others do not hear that. I have to trust their judgment and look who it comes from which I know I surround myself with those that accept me. Now the 2nd perspective is before coming out I went to a traditional church to now a Progressive Church. I can compare which one is truly Christian and which one isn't Christian. Now this part is just my opinion and no one else's. So please bare with me. Okay? In Matthew 25 Jesus refers to the least of these which in comparison from my old church to my current one my current one does a whole lot better of taking care of the homeless and serves them hot food more often then my old church. My current one hosted for years until being burnt out the homeless for them to stay the night in during the winter months. My old church never had them stay in their church during the cold months. My old church I left before they could kick me out for being a trans woman and I know down deep I could never go to their church in how I present myself in public and even more if I had a girlfriend. They especially wouldn't let me hold hands with her. Now my current church allows all of me to be in their church. I even sing in the choir as an Alto when choir is session. I even get to serve communion. And recently I have been serving as a Scripture reader and congregational lead which that wouldn't even happen even if my old church accepted me as a woman. Because being a woman I would have to be silent in church because only the men have speaking parts and no woman can serve communion. Another perspective that I have is I used to be a registered Republican as that is what my family is. I didn't even try to show the real me politically either. Nowadays I am a registered Democrat. I know how Republicans think and I know how Democrats should counter them.
Now the other thing that I changed in me is that I am learning to think that family isn't always blood. Families to me are those that care about me, the real me and love and support me. So families are those that I choose to have in my life and fulfill a lot of the roles that my given family has neglected to do. I do not need those in my given family who can't accept me for who I am at all. They are negative people that I am working to kick out of my head mentally and move on from them. My given family that rejects me well I reject them as well and I need to not let them affect me and my thinking any further and so I need to clear them as they are not paying rent to live in my head. So they must be evicted immediately.
Another change to me is thanks to my Senior Pastor Jessica Petersen-Mutai and her challenge to our congregation especially to me. She on one Communion Sunday said that day everyone in the church is taking communion and not just those that agree with us but those on the other side and that we are all Christians. I am slowly changing my thinking about those that call themselves Christians but display homophobia and transphobia. I do not hate them because I need to be better then them. I need to as my own dad said long ago "I need rise above the scum." Yeah he didn't realize that he was referring to himself but he was in deed talking about himself. But instead of hating the person we need to learn to love the person but hate their action. Maybe one day everyone could gather together and iron out our differences instead of yelling across the aisle. We need to hear each other in compassionate way instead of hating the other side. Yeah I done a lot of thinking in my days of isolation and maybe I needed a break from the world and do some good ole soul searching. My brain just needed the distraction to figure things out. I needed to sort out my feelings and see just how far I have grown as a person. I have always heard that girls mature faster than boys. It is so true. For the 1st 36 years I didn't mature much but these little over 9 years I have matured way more than the 1st 36 years. So that saying is so true in my case.
There was also a time where I didn't like being a trans person especially one being born in a Christian Conservative Church of Christ Republican house. But now I love the fact that I am a trans woman. Being a trans woman has completely changed me in ways I would not or could see the advantages. I more than changed from living my birth sex to my gender identity or even from trying to be straight to more than acknowledging my being a lesbian. I have become a more loving person. Along my journey of transition I have fought for marriage equality, for Black Lives Matter and for Pro Choice. Before my coming out I had internalized transphobia, internalized homophobia but that all changed after acknowledging my true feelings for the very 1st time. Way back when I was only a teenager I was dragged against my will to "Pro Birth" rallies and I have since reconciled that by going to Pro Choice rallies 2 of them before they moved to Indianapolis. I even spoke out loud to both of them to further make up what I had to endure as a teenager.
As I have to endure of being sick with Coronavirus I have time to slow down and keep to myself and heal but more importantly I have got more time to slow down and contemplate about life in general especially my transition and my personal growth as a person. I am doing more looking for the needle in the needle stack. If one looks hard enough as in put in the real effort in doing so one can find the good even surrounded by a lot of bad. Take for instance being born as a trans female one that is born into a Church of Christ Republican family that is rough but if I look hard enough it gives me perspective that most do not have. For most of my life I tried being a man who is a Republican and attended the Church of Christ which for those that do not know that is a traditional kinda church. 1st off my 1st perspective is I have lived the best that I can in being a man and nowadays I live as the woman I am truly. I have a much better understanding of what a cisgender woman goes through on the daily basis. Like for instance I do not like to being treated as a piece of meat by a man. I am a human being. I have other qualities then just being beautiful. I have a brain that I can use to learn. I do have opinions and I am smarter than they see me being. Before transitioning my opinions of what I had was heard although not as much others but I was heard and at least thought of smarter than I do now. I was heard before coming out and now I rarely get heard. When I am heard I have to be louder or use the voice I am not comfortable using that I feel sounds more male. I am more comfortable using my voice when I am talking softer that is when I sound more female to me. So using my louder voice I would rather not use so I wouldn't trigger gender dysphoria. But I have heard the times when I sound male to me others do not hear that. I have to trust their judgment and look who it comes from which I know I surround myself with those that accept me. Now the 2nd perspective is before coming out I went to a traditional church to now a Progressive Church. I can compare which one is truly Christian and which one isn't Christian. Now this part is just my opinion and no one else's. So please bare with me. Okay? In Matthew 25 Jesus refers to the least of these which in comparison from my old church to my current one my current one does a whole lot better of taking care of the homeless and serves them hot food more often then my old church. My current one hosted for years until being burnt out the homeless for them to stay the night in during the winter months. My old church never had them stay in their church during the cold months. My old church I left before they could kick me out for being a trans woman and I know down deep I could never go to their church in how I present myself in public and even more if I had a girlfriend. They especially wouldn't let me hold hands with her. Now my current church allows all of me to be in their church. I even sing in the choir as an Alto when choir is session. I even get to serve communion. And recently I have been serving as a Scripture reader and congregational lead which that wouldn't even happen even if my old church accepted me as a woman. Because being a woman I would have to be silent in church because only the men have speaking parts and no woman can serve communion. Another perspective that I have is I used to be a registered Republican as that is what my family is. I didn't even try to show the real me politically either. Nowadays I am a registered Democrat. I know how Republicans think and I know how Democrats should counter them.
Now the other thing that I changed in me is that I am learning to think that family isn't always blood. Families to me are those that care about me, the real me and love and support me. So families are those that I choose to have in my life and fulfill a lot of the roles that my given family has neglected to do. I do not need those in my given family who can't accept me for who I am at all. They are negative people that I am working to kick out of my head mentally and move on from them. My given family that rejects me well I reject them as well and I need to not let them affect me and my thinking any further and so I need to clear them as they are not paying rent to live in my head. So they must be evicted immediately.
Another change to me is thanks to my Senior Pastor Jessica Petersen-Mutai and her challenge to our congregation especially to me. She on one Communion Sunday said that day everyone in the church is taking communion and not just those that agree with us but those on the other side and that we are all Christians. I am slowly changing my thinking about those that call themselves Christians but display homophobia and transphobia. I do not hate them because I need to be better then them. I need to as my own dad said long ago "I need rise above the scum." Yeah he didn't realize that he was referring to himself but he was in deed talking about himself. But instead of hating the person we need to learn to love the person but hate their action. Maybe one day everyone could gather together and iron out our differences instead of yelling across the aisle. We need to hear each other in compassionate way instead of hating the other side. Yeah I done a lot of thinking in my days of isolation and maybe I needed a break from the world and do some good ole soul searching. My brain just needed the distraction to figure things out. I needed to sort out my feelings and see just how far I have grown as a person. I have always heard that girls mature faster than boys. It is so true. For the 1st 36 years I didn't mature much but these little over 9 years I have matured way more than the 1st 36 years. So that saying is so true in my case.
"SOCIAL MEDIA PROBLEMS FOR LIBERALS"
For those that lean on the left on any issue you may have noticed lately that you are getting flagged on your posts unless you post about your life and or pictures. I have known that social media apps like Facebook, Instagram and Twitter of which I use quite frequently have quickly flagged me for my content being that I get passionately say what's on my mind. But these days I have seen it is even more rapidly and often that I am flagged leading me to censure my own self. I know these apps draw in those much younger than me but let's face it I curse even in the "real world" much like I do or have done in the past on social media. So I understand them needing to censure me on their platforms of which doesn't bother me like when they censure me when it comes to non-curse words. Like when I recently got flagged for referring to someone's comment on Instant about something politically. The word that I used wasn't an insult it was an acquisition. You apparently call someone a hypocrite even if it isn't an insult. I would understand if I were using it as an insult but I was accusing someone of being one which is a HUGE difference. I then tried as an experiment to use that same language on Twitter and I was instantly allowed viewing Twitter and sent direct messages but that was it for 12 hours. Social media when it censures one side and not the other isn't right at all. Instead of censuring one side quicker than the other or the other side not at all both sides should be treated the same. Recently I made a comment about Christians that are homophobic/transphobic that they are not Christians and that they are EVIL and I got warned real quickly and had that post hidden but I did appeal that decision and it took a bit but I got told that they made a mistake and it was visible again. That is the 1st post that I successfully got appealed. Before that I was 0 for whatever attempts I had tried. So I am glad that I finally won one. I was extremely confused and also at the same time upset. I know that most of the world is Christian and most of them are Fundamentalist Christians but why are they given preferential treatment? Is it because of their religion, money or both?
I have been on both tracks when it comes to religion. I was born into a Christian Conservative as in Church of Christ and Republican so I know their kind all too well. But since coming out I have been going to a Progressive church except those 3 weeks in between when I 1st starting coming out and transitioning. To this day even after attending a Progressive Church close to 9 years I can't undo the pain the Conservative Churches have done to me. It will take much therapy and I am still not even sure if I will be cured when I am laying on my deathbed to be honest. To this day I have issues with Christians in general because I have been judged for being a Trans woman who is a lesbian and polyamorous who reclaims being queer. The church in general has a lot of blood on it's hands for all the hurt they have caused the LGBTQ+ and trans communities and that is just 2 different communities. They have a racist past and xenophobic and Islamophobic past and also ablest past as well along with being misogynist past as well and possibly many others I can't think of right now. So I have a lot of issues with the church in general. I only speak from my experiences. You may have different opinions so I understand.
I have been on both tracks when it comes to religion. I was born into a Christian Conservative as in Church of Christ and Republican so I know their kind all too well. But since coming out I have been going to a Progressive church except those 3 weeks in between when I 1st starting coming out and transitioning. To this day even after attending a Progressive Church close to 9 years I can't undo the pain the Conservative Churches have done to me. It will take much therapy and I am still not even sure if I will be cured when I am laying on my deathbed to be honest. To this day I have issues with Christians in general because I have been judged for being a Trans woman who is a lesbian and polyamorous who reclaims being queer. The church in general has a lot of blood on it's hands for all the hurt they have caused the LGBTQ+ and trans communities and that is just 2 different communities. They have a racist past and xenophobic and Islamophobic past and also ablest past as well along with being misogynist past as well and possibly many others I can't think of right now. So I have a lot of issues with the church in general. I only speak from my experiences. You may have different opinions so I understand.
"LOSSES"
Losses I know are a part of life and so is grief. I have lost so many people to tragedy during my transition. No matter how many times times like this strike it never gets any easier at all. In fact it seems quite the opposite. With each loss I have had to endure it seems to get worse not easier. It seems to get harder. Sometimes life sucks to be honest. I just found out that it will be 2 years ago that tragedy struck but I only found out this past weekend which makes it even harder. I am late on this news as I posted recently about. I have to process to make sense of it or it will end up killing me. Before I came out and started transitioning like as in my past life before I started to become there was this woman that I knew and her name was Dawnish. She was from Afghanistan and she was a very sweet woman but even with that I couldn't talk to her about me coming out and transitioning being that she came from my past church life which was Church of Christ. I was afraid when I saw her message on my old FB account of which I keep up hoping that I can reconnect with my nieces and nephews in the future. But anyways I found out that her son which is a friend of mine that suffers from a terrible disease, a mental health disease known as schizophrenia which I am trying to get a better understanding of it. He had a psychotic break which was the reason why he was living with his parents even though he had graduated college. He was living with them because he had been in a mental health facility because of this terrible disease but it got so bad that he took a knife and it is the reason why his mom is no longer with us. His name is Matt and this is not the Matt that I know at all. The disease is the reason why his mom left this life and onto to the next one.
"MY PERSONAL GROWTH & HEALING JOURNEY"
I am constantly growing as a person. I used to be one who catastrophizes and though I am getting better at that I slip up sometimes. But lately I am better at seeing the good through a bad situation. There are times where I have to work really hard to find the good but with a little effort I still find the good. It sometimes is like looking for a needle in a needle stack but eventually I find the good. Take for instance while MTG mentioned that she is a Christian Nationalist it is a double edged sword. On one hand it is a dog whistle for racism which is extremely terrible but on the other hand it is a reminder that I am on the right side of when it pertains to religion. I now adays attend a Progressive Church in First United Church which a blend of UCC and American Baptist which is an open welcoming and affirming church. For those that do not know what an Open Welcoming an Affirming church is it is a church that accepts people who are LGBTQ+ and trans to name a couple things. Come sometime in August it will be 9 years that I have attended there. There is where I have learn what true love means. True love is love that one doesn't have to do anything to receive it. You attain it without any conditions attached you simply are loved. True love is unconditional. Love isn't conditional. I am continuously learning, growing and evolving as a person. As I continue to love myself more I am able to love people more and more which leads to me loving God more and more each and everyday. One can't love God if you can't love others and you can't love others till you learn to love yourself. We are called to love our neighbors as ourselves. Before coming out and transitioning I couldn't love myself which led me to not being able to love others other than the lovable which means I couldn't truly love God.
God had been trying to get my attention to trust God. God has tried to get me to trust and transition to the female that I am truly. I had been wondering why God gave me this challenge creating me to be a female but put into a male body. But the more I am transitioning the more that I am figuring it out. As I continue to learning, growing and evolving I am figuring it all out as I need to learn. I before coming out I had been wondering what is my purpose here on in the world. I have learned that my purpose was to help achieve Marriage Equality and to teach others what trans is in my perspective and to help achieve our rights as a community. My other purpose is to help achieve once again Pro Choice and continuously work towards true equity for those that are not white to bring all to the table of having rights just like anyone else. We all need to continue learning, growing, and evolving. We only stop learning growing and evolving as people when it is our time to leave this life until then we need to keep doing this. Hating is something that is taught. It takes more energy to hate then it is to love someone. Instead of hating someone we don't agree with we need to focus on all we have in common. That last thing I still have a lot to grow in. I have my reasons why I struggle with that. I just need patience to achieve that. It will take some time but I know I am up for the challenge. But I am looking more for the good in all situations these days and I thank you all for your love and support and more importantly your patience. I am grateful for all this growth I have experienced in over 9 years. That growth in these last over 9 years is more than before me coming out so I know I will achieve more and look forward to all of this even with tough times for our LGBTQ+ and trans communities. "Whatever doesn't kill us will make us STRONGER."
God had been trying to get my attention to trust God. God has tried to get me to trust and transition to the female that I am truly. I had been wondering why God gave me this challenge creating me to be a female but put into a male body. But the more I am transitioning the more that I am figuring it out. As I continue to learning, growing and evolving I am figuring it all out as I need to learn. I before coming out I had been wondering what is my purpose here on in the world. I have learned that my purpose was to help achieve Marriage Equality and to teach others what trans is in my perspective and to help achieve our rights as a community. My other purpose is to help achieve once again Pro Choice and continuously work towards true equity for those that are not white to bring all to the table of having rights just like anyone else. We all need to continue learning, growing, and evolving. We only stop learning growing and evolving as people when it is our time to leave this life until then we need to keep doing this. Hating is something that is taught. It takes more energy to hate then it is to love someone. Instead of hating someone we don't agree with we need to focus on all we have in common. That last thing I still have a lot to grow in. I have my reasons why I struggle with that. I just need patience to achieve that. It will take some time but I know I am up for the challenge. But I am looking more for the good in all situations these days and I thank you all for your love and support and more importantly your patience. I am grateful for all this growth I have experienced in over 9 years. That growth in these last over 9 years is more than before me coming out so I know I will achieve more and look forward to all of this even with tough times for our LGBTQ+ and trans communities. "Whatever doesn't kill us will make us STRONGER."
"WHITE CHRISTIAN NATIONALISM ANTI CHRISTIAN"
There's a cancer that is growing here in America and it is growing rapidly called Christ Nationalism. When I hear Christian Nationalism or White Christian Nationalism that is a dog whistle to racism. Whereever there is racism not too far along is it's cousins homophobia and transphobia. White Christian Nationalists hate those of the LGBTQ+ and trans communities just as much as those who aren't white. Hating someone who is different and that isn't there choice is anti Christian. Jesus Christ is all about loving those who society considers "The Least of those." The least of those is anyone who isn't straight, cisgender and not monagamous or aren't white flat out. It is easy to love those that are lovable but to love the unlovable then those that do that are Christlike. To love like Christ now those are the true Christians and not in name only. Christ calls for us to love one another as one does for their selves and we are called to love God. Before my own coming out I couldn't love myself yet I claimed that I loved God. If I couldn't love my own self or others then I couldn't love God. The more that I love myself the more I love others which leads to loving God more. It is hard to love those that are attempting to persecute like for instance those that do that to me. The White Christian Nationalists are always trying to persecute me by saying that I am a man that is trying to be a woman and that I am a danger to both women and children. I have never hurt a child physically or sexually. Children are innocent and are a gift from God. My own sister hurt my nieces and nephews physically so much that she got arrested for child abuse all lost all 10 children. She in fact was pregnant with baby #10 when she was arrested. Yet my own parents can't love and support me even though I have never laid hands on children or anyone for that manner. I am not hurting anyone for simply existing as myself authentically but yet they my parents withhold their love and support from me. In fact before my sister got arrested like when I came out as a trans woman she condemned me straight to hell for transitioning. All I wanted to do is live my own life on my own terms and authentic and real. Before coming out I was lying to everyone especially myself by omission. I still believe that we are to be truth tellers being that bible calls for us to not lie. My own parents wanted me to continue in lying by omission which would violate the bible which states Thou Shalt not lie. They weren't okay with me lying unless it was lying by omission when it comes to me and my gender identity. How in the hell am I supposed to not lie unless it pertains to my gender identity. Either it is okay to lie period or not at all. I am simply wanting to live my life which comes to me naturally. Before coming out and transitioning I was going through the emotions and going around faking it hoping I would make it. By faking it and going through the emotions I was getting more and more depressed. By doing that that is exactly what White Christians want you to do. They do not care if it makes you so depressed. It doesn't matter if you end up committing suicide or attempt it or cut as long as you don't exist anymore. Now how is that Christ? If we are suppose to immolate Christ then we should love without question. There should be no strings attached to get each other's love. The only love is unconditional. Right?
"SOCIAL MEDIA PROBLEMS FOR LIBERALS"
For those that lean on the left on any issue you may have noticed lately that you are getting flagged on your posts unless you post about your life and or pictures. I have known that social media apps like Facebook, Instagram and Twitter of which I use quite frequently have quickly flagged me for my content being that I get passionately say what's on my mind. But these days I have seen it is even more rapidly and often that I am flagged leading me to sensure my own self. I know these apps draw in those much younger than me but let's face it I curse even in the "real world" much like I do or have done in the past on social media. So I understand them needing to sensure me on their platforms of which doesn't bother me like when they sensure me when it comes to non curse words. Like when I recently got flagged for referring to someone's comment on Instant about something politically. The word that I used wasn't an insult it was an aquisation. You apparently call someone a hyprocrite even if it isn't an insult. I would understand if I were using it as an insult but I was accusing someone of being one which is a HUGE difference. I then tried as an experiement to use that same language on Twitter and I was instantly allowed viewing Twitter and sent direct messages but that was it for 12 hours. Social media when it sensures one side and not the other isn't right at all. Instead of sensuring one side quicker then the other or the other side not at all both sides should be treated the same. Recently I made a comment about Christians that are homophobic/transphobic that they are not Christians and that they are EVIL and I got warned real quickly and had that post hidden but I did appeal that decision and it took a bit but I got told that they made a mistake and it was visible again. That is the 1st post that I successfully got appealed. Before that I was 0 for whatever attempts I had tried. So I am glad that I finally won one. I was extremely confused and also at the same time upset. I know that most of the world is Christian and most of them are Fundamentalist Christians but why are they given preferential treatment? Is it because of their religion, money or both?
I have been on both tracks when it comes to religion. I was born into a Christian Conservative as in Church of Christ and Republican so I know their kind all too well. But since coming out I have been going to a Progressive church except those 3 weeks in between when I 1st starting coming out and transitioning. To this day even after attending a Progressive Church close to 9 years I can't undo the pain the Conservative Churches have done to me. It will take much therapy and I am still not even sure if I will be cured when I am laying on my deathbed to be honest. To this day I have issues with Christians in general because I have been judged for being a Trans woman who is a lesbian and polyamorous who reclaims being queer. The church in general has a lot of blood on it's hands for all the hurt they have caused the LGBTQ+ and trans communities and that is just 2 different communities. They have a racist past and xenophobic and Islamaphobic past and also ableist past as well along with being misogynist past as well and possibly many others I can't think of right now. So I have a lot of issues with the church in general. I only speak from my experiences. You may have different opinions so I understand.
I have been on both tracks when it comes to religion. I was born into a Christian Conservative as in Church of Christ and Republican so I know their kind all too well. But since coming out I have been going to a Progressive church except those 3 weeks in between when I 1st starting coming out and transitioning. To this day even after attending a Progressive Church close to 9 years I can't undo the pain the Conservative Churches have done to me. It will take much therapy and I am still not even sure if I will be cured when I am laying on my deathbed to be honest. To this day I have issues with Christians in general because I have been judged for being a Trans woman who is a lesbian and polyamorous who reclaims being queer. The church in general has a lot of blood on it's hands for all the hurt they have caused the LGBTQ+ and trans communities and that is just 2 different communities. They have a racist past and xenophobic and Islamaphobic past and also ableist past as well along with being misogynist past as well and possibly many others I can't think of right now. So I have a lot of issues with the church in general. I only speak from my experiences. You may have different opinions so I understand.
"THE CITY ON THE HILL"
This song is a song that I learned well before my coming out and transitioning. Today it takes a whole different meaning then it did back when I 1st learned of this song. If you take all the references of man in all it's different references and think of it as trans woman as it implies you can see how this affects me greatly. I had to leave it all behind because I knew that my family and at least some friends would leave me because of their religion. Though I may not label myself Christian I still believe in God and Jesus. I just wipe away all of man's dogma and the rules they placed on society. I had to become strong while rebuilding my life to what it is today. It is hard to be strong through this difficult journey and it didn't happen overnight. I continuously take a reflective thought and this song how it affects me and reminds me of my journey that I have been thinking ever since I took my 1st steps in this journey that I have been on for quite awhile.
Those for trans rights are facing opposition from those that have transphobic views. Those that have transphobic views think that trans women in general are a threat towards women and children. They think that trans women such as my own self that I will rape them in women spaces such as the locker room and restrooms. They also think that we will take away scholarships away for participating in girl's sports. But they don't put their money where their mouth is. They pay men's sports players more then women in pro sport and until recently the US Women's Soccer team though more successful then the US Men's Soccer team. As far as protecting the children from trans people especially trans females they don't care about them as much you would believe. It's a growing trend of having those who care about their gun rights more than the children. It's a growing trend to having school shootings and scaring our children and teachers alike. We have been losing children and teachers to gun violence forever silencing them. The ones that survive that is teachers leave that field and go to a more safer field or may even choose to not work anymore fearing for their lives being snuffed out due to gun violence. If they really care about protecting children then at the very least we need gun control. I though would go a bit further and repeal the 2nd amendment. I would take it so far to remove guns even from the police as well. If I had it my way only the military would have guns but only when you are in and not after you leave. I would also only go to war if absolutely necessary if our own country is at risk. Otherwise America needs to keep it's nose out of another country's business. As the nation is celebrating the 4th of July I will not celebrate till rights are restored for all minorities and humanity in general. We are all human and everyone should have rights. It feels like unless you are a fundamentalist Christian, white, cisgender, straight and monogamous and a man that is old you are less than a human which isn't right.
Rich trans women like Caitlyn Jenner don't hear the average trans person. She lives a life of luxury. Not saying this to have internalized transphobia but she is able to use her money before she came out as a trans woman to live that kinda lifestyle of being able to rush through her transition by bypassing the time frames needed to make sure one is trans and knowing whether it is right for her or not. She was able to play sports with her assigned gender and playing sports as Caitlyn is off the table due to her age and she says things like we should play sports for the team that matches our assigned sex and not with our gender identity.
I know just who I am so I made the decision to transition over 9 years ago. They can't be in my shoes so they just don't understand. I was designed by my Creator God and Jesus. I may not label myself Christian but I do follow my Creator God and Jesus. They made me exactly who I am today. I felt the presence of God trying to reach me for years to trust in him and that this is how God made me. But yet literally for years like decades I put my family in front of God. I had to hit that wall and say I can't do it anymore. There became a time where I couldn't pretend to be someone I am not. It literally took a failed suicide attempt to get me to come out and transition. Suicide is still on the mind but not for being trans. Suicide is still there because other issues that I still need to work on. I am a work in progress. If you didn't catch the whole Work in Progress thing it is an old accounting joke. I still hold an Associates Degree in Accounting from a local Community here in Bloomington Indiana from Ivy Tech Community College. I have always been a nerd and will always be so that joke is from my influence.
It is the strength of our allies for trans rights that gives us the strength for trans people to fight for our rights
The youth of the trans community is the fire or in this case the energy to fight for our rights but it also is the wisdom of the older generations of trans people that blazed trails for them to follow in the 1st place. All of our trans community needs one another as there is more of the transphobia then us the trans community. It takes an all hands on deck approach to defeat them and we need to be there for each other putting our differences aside and focusing on all that we have in common and that goes for our allies as well.
Most of the trans community as I know it to be is the ones that are living paycheck to paycheck or perhaps that are homeless and our stories need to be told individually and collectively as well to change the hearts and reach those that have no opinion either way. The more that we can be on our side the more of a chance we can officially achieve our rights and not through Execute Orders which could be wiped away through the next Administration. We need our rights embedded in the US Constitution where they can't be wiped away so easily.
This song is the lyrics down below by Casting Crowns. The words are quite beautiful and this is just my own reflection with this song to my transition and I translates it for me.
Did you hear of the city on the hill
Said one old man to the other
It once shined bright, and it would be shining still
But they all started turning on each other
You see the poets thought the dancers were shallow
And the soldiers thought the poets were weak
And the elders saw the young ones as foolish
And the rich man never heard the poor man speak
But one by one, they ran away
With their made up minds to leave it all behind
And the light began to fade
In the City on the Hill, the City on the Hill
Each one thought that they knew better
But they were different by design
Instead of standing strong together
They let their differences divide
And one by one, they ran away
With their made up minds to leave it all behind
And the light began to fade
In the City on the Hill, the City on the Hill
And the world is searching still
But it was the rhythm of the dancers
That gave the poets life
It was the spirit of the poets
That gave the soldiers strength to fight
It was fire of the young ones
It was the wisdom of the old
It was the story of the poor man
That needed to be told
It is the rhythm of the dancers
That gives the poets life
It is the spirit of the poets
That gives the soldiers strength to fight
It is fire of the young ones
It is the wisdom of the old
It is the story of the poor man
That's needing to be told
But one by one will we run away
With our made up minds to leave it all behind
As the light begins to fade in the City on the Hill
One by one will we run away
With our made up minds to leave it all behind
As the light begins to fade in the City on the Hill
The city on the hill
And the Father's calling still
(Come home)
To the city on the hill
(Come home)
"TRANSITIONING DURING THE PANDEMIC"
Before transitioning I was not much a social person and that was because deep with inside me I held a very deep secret. My deep secret I have always felt myself to being a female. For those who haven't read my past posts and are new to it I was assigned male at birth. When someone like me is born the doctor doing the delivery of the baby will check to see what parts one has or doesn't have when born and say it's a boy or it's a girl. Well most identify as the sex one is assigned not all do. I have never identified as being male. Not everyone is who the doctor who delivered you says you are. Chromosomes don't always tell the whole story. Speaking of chromosomes when someone who knows that you are trans will say you are a boy or that you are a girl by your chromosomes. But in order to see what one's chromosomes are one would have to do a test called a karyotype which by the way is very expensive and the average person couldn't afford it. A trans woman's brain when being examined to compare to a cisgender woman's the staining pattern is very similar and doesn't look at the same as a cisgender man. Transitioning during normal times is hard enough but transitioning during the coronavirus pandemic is even harder than when I was in the earlier stages of transitioning when I was experiencing homelessness. Those on the Conservative side of the tracks when it comes to the social issues are blaming trans people like me for the ongoing pandemic and saying that God is punishing America for the accepting of trans people such as myself. Right now even though we have the Biden administration who is extremely accepting of the trans community of which I really appreciate the red states are on a record pace to outlawing trans care for the trans youth and banning trans people no matter if they are an adult or not to participate according to our gender identity. Before I even came out and started to transition when I was still attending the Church of Christ as in North Central Church of Christ I was hearing them asking why are we losing the youth? Back then I didn't know the answer and now I do. The youth are seeing the adults teach love and acceptance but not putting it into practice. They say one thing and do another. Wonder why they are losing the youth. The youth are seeing the adults being hateful and bigoted and spreading of false information. Why would the youth want to be apart of hatred and bigotry especially if they are trans and or LGBTQ+ or if they are cisgender girls and need to get an abortion? Exactly, they have learned all of their lives that Jesus is all about love and these adults are being anything other than loving to their neighbors. They are being indifferent to those they disagree with and not being Christlike. Right? I can only take this anti LGBTQ+ and anti trans behavior from these such Christians. Even with someone who is attending a Progressive Church as I have been over these last 8 years including over a year on Zoom due to the pandemic they can't undo all the baggage I have experienced in my previous church life. I have since came out and denounced Christianity and said that I am a Secular Humanist. I still believe in God and Jesus but I also at the same time reject man created so-called religious dogma. I am constantly reevaluating what all I believe in since I had to unlearn everything I learned in my past life.
"Trump Christians and their bigotry"
Ever since the horses' ass known as Donald J. Trump became President and even more since he left office his biggest supporters don't hold back on transphobia slash homophobia. His biggest supporters, men who are fundamentalist Christians. Fundamentalist Christians to me are modern day version of Pharisees that Jesus in the bible constantly had confrontations because of their controlling society with rules that burdened communities on how to live their very lives. Well today those who loudly proclaim their Christianity who tell others they are not supposed to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, trans, queer or anything in between are just that burdening others to live by these rules making their loads quite heavy. They will bend and twist scripture and pull it way out of context to back up their rules they try to saddle society with that impossible to live by.
Most of us who at least experienced one bible school class in a fundamentalist church and at least one worship experience in a fundamentalist church. I had experienced 35 years + of their crap. They had me more than brainwashed. I grew up in a Church of Christ and they subtly brainwash you to where you do not even know it is going on. I heard many times the minister giving the sermon to don't take me at my word read it for yourself which may not sound much but I will tell you what that really means. That means that if I say this then you can trust me that I am telling you the truth to where you don't read it for yourself. Which is a subtle way of taking control of you before you even know it. You can't take them at their word. That is really code for the leadership that he is brainwashing them and the poor souls don't even know it.
Most of us who at least experienced one bible school class in a fundamentalist church and at least one worship experience in a fundamentalist church. I had experienced 35 years + of their crap. They had me more than brainwashed. I grew up in a Church of Christ and they subtly brainwash you to where you do not even know it is going on. I heard many times the minister giving the sermon to don't take me at my word read it for yourself which may not sound much but I will tell you what that really means. That means that if I say this then you can trust me that I am telling you the truth to where you don't read it for yourself. Which is a subtle way of taking control of you before you even know it. You can't take them at their word. That is really code for the leadership that he is brainwashing them and the poor souls don't even know it.
"MEN HATING ON WOMEN"
Now you maybe asking why the whole men hating on women. Well men have for the longest time have been controlling women's bodies and want to be able to continue in doing so. This whole thing came to mind when we talk about trans girls or trans women playing on girls or women's sports teams. The argument is that trans girls or trans women are boys or men. So them wanting to control what we in the trans community want to do with our bodies is them actually contradicting their own arrangement. If we are actually male and not females then why do they want to control what we do with our bodies then? Even though there is absolutely no argument about trans boys or trans men playing on sports teams according to their identities they are constantly saying trans males are actually female. Cisgender people are constantly attacking the trans community because what they are actually fighting in our actual existence. They want to mentally hurt us and make us feel why bother and detransition. Well let me tell you this I will not back down one iota. I will be who I am no matter what. I do not need permission on how I live my life. Lately Indiana the state to where I live the Republicans in the state senate want to have the so-called "bathroom" bill to say that we have to use the bathroom according to our assigned sex at birth or as they say the sex we are born as. The Indiana State House Bill 1456 is the so-called bathroom bill which we trans Hoosiers need to speak out and voice why this is so wrong on all levels. Now they also want to pass Indiana State House Bill 1458 which if passed we here in the trans community would not be able to change our name and gender marker. Now lucky for me and not so unlucky for them I have already had both my name and gender marker legally changed over 4 years ago but I am so unhappy because of those who are in the early stages of transitioning or just starting to come out and fear for their future. I have seen the damage how other trans people in other states from their stories and I feel for the future of the trans community in my state of Indiana. We are in no way hurting anyone for simply wanting to live our lives as who we yes I said we see ourselves. Why should we have permission from cisgender on how we live our lives? How would they feel if the shoe was on the other foot and we did exactly what they have been trying to do to us? Hmmm!!! I have a feeling things would be different. I would love for them to spend one month in our shoes and see how it feels. Wouldn't you?
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, Her, Hers
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Activist
hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
She, Her, Hers
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Activist
hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
"WHAT IN THE HELL IS TRANS?"
That's a good question. There are 3 parts to a person's identity. 1st off there's gender identity. Gender identity is how you internalize your gender rather it be male, female, non-binary, gender non-conformity, bigender, trigender, agender, polygender. Anyways my gender identity is female. When I was born the doctor after inspecting the area between my legs, "It's a boy!!! Thus making me a trans female. I use she, her, hers for my pronouns. Next there is sexual orientation. Like our cisgender (someone who identifies with their assigned sex at birth)counterparts we can be gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual (ACE), demisexual to name a few well a little more than a little few but you get my point. I am attracted to women which my sexual orientation is lesbian. Next there is gender expression which of course is how one expresses their gender. I am mostly feminine and since the doctor when I was born declared "It's a boy" but since I do not identify as that as a woman that makes my gender expression feminine and since I am a lesbian that makes me a "Lipstick Lesbian." I am a lipstick lesbian because I am feminine but at the same time a lesbian. Anyways this is more for those that have absolutely no idea what a trans person is since most people identify as cisgender unless they are a red snowflake then they say the term cisgender is offensive to them and revert back to what our birth sex is which it just shows complete ignorance or willful ignorance. Society or should I just say fundamentalist Christians put me into a box that I do not and will never fit into. They can try all they want to shove me back into the closet but I am queer and here to stay. I am not here for a short while but till death I part meaning I am in it for the long haul meaning it is not a temporary obsession that my dad thinks I am this. Well... I am not!!! Get your freaking bible out of my face. There is a little thing called personal space for starters and then there is a thing called "Separation of Church and State." Oh and there is this thing that fundies are so quick to point out but only the 1st half. The 2nd half is what I am entitled to which is a freedom from religion. Your fundie religion is cramping my space. Take your little religion out of my personal space. Thank you!!! By the way I have religion it is called "Progressive Christianity." By now!!!
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, Her, Hers
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Activist
hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
"HOW DARE YOU COVID"
Early on I kept on hearing how Covid is screwing with people and their livelyhood but that wasn't me. I had a job that I can go to but now there is no work for me so I am on furlough. So I still have a job but it is on hold onto maybe till June maybe earlier if I can find a position with my current employment that they need right now but who knows. My insurance is tied to my job and so my job is extremely valuable to me. My employment has insurance that covers my transition and without it services I need for my transition are astronomical. I was planning on having my Gender Confirmation Surgery( GCS) or also known as Penile Inversion Vaginoplasty but Covid has those plans grounded. I so badly need this surgery so I can focus on non transition goals. But I also need this surgery to alleviate my gender dysphoria. I know this surgery won't solve all of my gender dysphoria but at least I can at least focus on my lack of a love life. As a trans woman I am also a lesbian and if the relationship were to evolve well that would be an issue currently with me. I want to be penetrated by a woman rather she be cisgender or trans but vaginal intercourse is the only way I want to be penetrated and well there is the wrong body part currently in the way, the penis. I have long hated this body part and for the longest time I had no clue on the surface why but all along I knew beneath the surface. I had no language to describe my feelings for the majority of my life till I found out one can be trans, can transition and that I wasn't the only one. I wasn't the freak that I thought I was and I wasn't alone. There are others like me. My transition is almost complete but at the moment I feel stuck in between genders. There are times where I feel like I am playing pretend or dress up all because I need my penis to be a vagina. Goddamn it. I hate this feeling. My feelings are real and I am valid. I am a fucking goddamn woman. I am not a man. Religion from my past has really fucked with me and it is the very reason why I have faith issues. Having that 2000 plus year old being used to tell me that I will never be a woman well that is how the fundies translate it. I just want to scream for all the world to hear me to shut the goddamn fuck up and take that piece of crap you call the bible out of my goddamn fucking face and leave me the fuck alone. Most of the stories I am learning didn't happen and in fact one of their precious stories was stolen from another source. The one that was stolen was the story of Noah and the Ark. The story that was stolen by the bible is the story of the Flood of Gilgamesh. So let's just say I am being a skeptic more and more. Their kind would do anything it seems to control society to how they think how we all should act, behave and present ourselves to the world it seems. Seems kinda sketchy if you ask me.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, Her, Hers
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Activist
hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
"WHAT THE HELL FUNDIES"
As this post states what the hell fundies? I am writing this because of my life had been intertwined. For those of you that don't know I was born into a Church of Christ Republican household. This whole thing that they are constantly harping on is called Patriarchy. A patriarchy system consists of a man who is married to a woman and has children. The woman who is the wife of the man who is her husband then the kids answer to both of them. The man sets the rules of the house and the mom when the husband is at work enforces the rules to the kids and the woman answers to her husband. Anyways this system has been in place since the beginning of time. This is what a conservative household looks like especially one that is extremely traditional or what I would refer to as extremely rigid with no give at all. Of course this is from my perspective and didn't realize it till after I came out of course. Anything they the fundamentalists think is a threat to their "precious patriarchy" they are against. Let me show you this. They are absolutely and dead set against any rights towards those of us who make up the greater "LGBTQ" community and yes the t is for trans. Now they are also dead set against girls like me and trans men and non binary which includes the gender non-conforming people as well. They are also against women making choices for their bodies and yes I am referring having the option of having an abortion. They are completely fixated on women that is cisgender women being pregnant and the cisgender men going out to work and being the man of the family. I am so sick and tired of them constantly defending their "precious traditional family." 1st off their "traditional family" will never go away but their family isn't the only kind. K? 2 men can have a baby together using what is known as a surragant. Meaning the men can have their sperm mixed with a woman of their choice to have their baby for them. 2 women can also have a baby together known as artificial insemination or another option is called Reciprocal In Vitro Fertilization. Then another option is In Vitro Fertilization. So as you can see you do not need one man and one woman to procreate. This whole straight relationship only according to them which they claim is to procreate isn't a valid reason at all. Nice try try again!!! I mean these people who proclaim they are Christians from the top of the roofs who I refer to as "Potluck Christians" are the very reason why I have faith doubts. Their kind are the very people who stormed the Capital Building to try to keep President Cheetos in power the very one that breaks their kind of religious rules they usually enforce like do not cheat on their spouse, divorce is against their code of honor, cheating people on business deals but they swept that way under the rug because he is so rabid anti LGBTQ+ and anti trans and Pro Life all the things their itchy ears wanna hear to protect the traditional families. But they failed to welcome a stranger much like in the story of Sodom and Gomorrah which the fundies say they were destroyed because of homosexuality but they clearly haven't read their bibles. They can wagging their bibles all they want. If you were to read the story in the bible where it originated Lot was willing to offer his daughters to the men who wanted to gang rape the strangers in his house for them to have sex with them. His daughters at this time were more than engaged but not yet married in a thing they were which is betrothed. To be betrothed means they were already accepted for and even made an exchange to have their hand in marriage and so they would be off the market but he was willing to break that instead of the strangers in his house. But God ignored that it would appear and if you read into Ezekiel 16:44-58 and jump down to verse 49 which reads: “‘Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy. 50 They were haughty and did detestable things before me. You see nothing about being a homosexual in there at all. So they were clearly uncomfortable about anyone being LGBTQ and or trans. They want everyone to follow their narrow-minded way and keep reproducing children into the world. They are against higher education unless it has to do with a Christian university so the men can brainwash people in the future and they only want women to go so they can find a husband. My mom and dad are the models when following this. My mom only worked a month when I was really young and quit to be a full time mom and she hasn't worked since the late 70s. My dad on the other hand has earned a lot of money and if they were to divorce yeah my mom would get half the money and possessions but her half would eventually run out and he could earn more money to more than make it comfortable for him but with very little work history my mom wouldn't make it in this world. The work world has changed way too much that my mom wouldn't even make it. But that is only if she got half the money and half of the possessions but their money or should I say his money is tied up in one account. He could freeze her ability to collect half the money and couldn't get half of the possessions to make money off for her to survive. I so can't understand why women, cisgender women that is why they defend the patriarchy when that very system suppresses and oppresses them of an actual meaningful identity. The only ones who have something to really and truly lose is white ,cisgender ,straight, monogamous, their kind of Christian and Republican man. Everyone else has a whole lot to gain period. I'm so in favor of blowing up the patriarchy and binary system. All can be equal which those men are so desperately clinging to.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, Her, Hers
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Activist
hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
"I'll Be Your Umbrella"
This post is heavenly influenced by the song called "Umbrella" written by Rihanna. I love this song and it is exactly how I feel. Whenever you are a friend of mine I am loyal to the end. There will be storms in this life. Everyone has a storm. No one can escape storms. Anyone who is a friend of mine you need to get out of your storm, well I can be your umbrella. I have been living for over 42 years and will be 43 later this month. I have weathered many storms. Most of my life I ran and hid from my true self and my true feelings. Then a little over 7 years ago I slowly peaked my head out of the closet. When one starts the process of coming out you never stop coming out. What has gotten me through my storms has been my support from my chosen family. Yeah, I needed a chosen family even before I came out to my family. I always knew there would come a day where my family would desert me for who I am. Even as a young child I could feel the tension just beneath the surface.I would many times hear my dad and Uncle tell "gay jokes" when I first lived in Phoenix where I was born and would later visit after I moved to Bloomington, Indiana just before the age of 8 that always seemed to be me and only me around well plus those 2. When I got to my 1st puberty I would always be asked every so often by my dad if I was gay. And I would always lie to cover my tracks. Back then I didn't hear the term "transsexual" nor the term "transgender." I had absolutely no clue that one could go from their birth sex to living out their gender which I identify with which is my gender identity. I was raised in an extreme sheltered way of life. Now some of the trans community go by the term transsexual of which I do and some go by the term transgender. But to escape the debate or drama of the trans community I mostly these days say that I am a trans woman. There wasn't any out and proud trans people that shared their story. I never knew of anyone that identified as the sex they were assigned till one day I was looking up on the internet of what I was feeling and suddenly I saw all these stories of people who were doing this whole thing called "transitioning." There are some people out there that think that transitioning is simple like wearing clothes of the opposite sex and wearing makeup and a wig but that isn't exactly the case. Now I do wear a wig but that is because I transitioned later in life and I am growing out my hair but I lost some hair along the way of life because of what some of us older trans women refer to "testosterone poisoning." There is this body producing steroid called DHT(Dihydrotestosterone) that eats at the hair follicles which causes baldness. Cisgender men and trans women mostly have this which some simply refer to it as male pattern baldness. This is the second most thing that causes me gender dysphoria. The things that causes me the greatest gender dysphoria is why I am on hormones and for me I have to have surgery called Vaginoplasty which is making a vagina out of what right now is the penis. From what other trans people would say I have the greatest gender dysphoria they have ever heard. I remember I couldn't even leave my apartment the one that I lived before I was unhoused. I would eat and jump on Facebook and literally do nothing else. I was going through this which is why for a long time I couldn't go out and look for a job. I was between jobs. At the time I wasn't out to my parents nor my sister yet and I knew there would be a day that I would lose them and that wouldn't be enough to drive me to look for a job. Whenever I was between jobs my parents would help me stay afloat till I could land back on my feet. These people were out sharing their struggles with this thing called gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria for those who don't know that is when someone for instance like me was assigned at birth as male after my birthing doctor took a look at the area between my legs and said to my mom "It's a boy!" I have never identified as a boy though I tried with every fiber in my being one. I realized that I was a girl that tried her very best to be the boy the doctor said I was. I never truly identified with the boys nor connected with them other than sports. The reason why I got all interested in sports was because my dad wanted to "man me up" and to also thought if he took an interest in me then I would be who he wanted me to be But hey girls can like sports too. Why do sports have to be so gendered? Right? I did everything to prevent me from being anywhere near the LGBTQ+ spectrum and I mean EVERYTHING! I was very involved when it came to church. You see I grew up in the Church of Christ for those who are new to my blog page. I also grew up in a Republican household which these is how I learned how being anywhere in the LGBTQ+ being not only a sin but a "lifestyle" choice. Not everyone who is a Republican and or Church of Christ are anti LGBTQ+ nor anti trans. But my family well most of them are anti LGBTQ+ and anti trans which are Church of Christ and Republican. I still have a trouble with me broad-stroking a whole group so I have to make an effort with intent to not doing broad-stoking. When I was old enough I would attend Bible camp which by the way I enjoyed and look back even now very fondly. Yeah I look back fondly and some of them are still in my life with great surprise and will get back to it later. Then when I got older I was very involved in the youth group which led me when I got older to be involved in the Campus ministry. When I got older I would attend the Men's breakfast at church while doing bible study with them. Since my college years I got baptized and this was way before coming out and transitioning. I have read the bible from cover to cover in it's entirety especially the "clobber" passages. But to their unfortunate I have all those years of attending church amongst them and I know what all they say and know how to tear down their arguments. But anyways I watched many YouTube videos about those out there that are transitioning and the more I watch the more I both know and feel that I am not alone with this struggle. Along the way I have come to learn that there are other people who were raised the Church of Christ that also identify as a trans woman. I have also read so much on this topic and every subtopic I can think about when it deals with being trans and transitioning.
"sara's recoming Out"
No I didn't go back into the closet if you are wondering. But in the light of the fight against the LGBTQ+ and trans communities I feel the need to come out yet once again to show that it isn't hard just not like it was during the Obama administration. 45 and his administration keep attacking our communities and I feel it is more important now then ever to yell from the rooftops through the internet. I proudly proclaim that I am a trans woman and these feelings are never going to go away and in fact quite the opposite. More with each passing day these feelings of me being a woman are getting stronger with each passing day. Looking back to me and my past when I lived a lie openly it hurts worse then if I were to have all of my teeth yanked out at once and with Novocaine. I knew down deep I needed to be the male that I was assigned at birth because of the environment I was born into. I was born into the Church of Christ and a Republican family.
Before I admitted to myself of being a woman I didn't know my sexual orientation. When I finally came out as a trans woman I also at the same time came out as a lesbian. But then I came out as bisexual and at 1st I was mostly attracted to women but there were men that I was attracted to. Then I slowly started noticing men more then women and then one day I came out as straight which seems weird. Weird being that I have never heard anyone coming out straight but that is what happened with me. But then I came out again as pansexual because I started to realize it didn't matter how you identified it was the person and not about what you had in your pants or how you identified as. But then I had something that changed my sexual orientation yet once again. This time I was a couple of years ago I was sexually assaulted by a homeless man and on the public bus. He scooted me close to him and then he proceeded to run his hand up my dress that I am of all time wearing and one that I couldn't wear for 9 months. It didn't matter how many times I showered I would still feel dirty. I started to feel it was my fault. The dress is cut with only one shoulder and short. I thought the way that I dressed I was asking for it. But it is not our responsibility ladies. We should be able to wear whatever we want to wear without man doing anything to us. Man should have to control their desires instead of doing what they want without consent. Consent is what I want. I wanted to be treated as a person and not a slab of meat. I have been changed forever. I can't be around a lot of men at once without wondering what will happen to me. Luckily he didn't find a little extra in my panties or I wouldn't even be able to write this post. When men realize the woman that they are attracted to is a trans woman they blame us for deception. But I am not deceiving them. I am a woman just one that is trans. I am proud of who I am but at the same time I am careful to disclose when it is safe. I am these days once again attracted to only women cisgender or trans but this time I am polyamorous. I want multiple relationships.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
"WHAT IS LOVE REALLY?"
What is love? Well by dictionary.com love is a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. If there is a condition to receive that love then it isn't love. Love is not something that one can casually say to another. There has to be some substance to that word like a warm fuzzy feeling. Loving someone involves a little give and take. When someone is in need in some way shape or form you help them the best you can. Right?
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
"WHAT IS FAMILY?"
I am asking what is family from a trans woman's perspective mine to be exact. I'm asking because if you ask me family isn't always those who share your blood, and DNA. To me family is those who love you and truly love you. To truly love you is loving you for who are and without strings attached. They simply love you for who you are. They show you love and support and there for you through the good times but more importantly when things aren't going well at all. To love is to love divine is a statement made by Charles Wesley and one that I use on the daily basis. I believe that he means to love as God loves which is without any strings attached. God loves us because she can see the heart why we do what we do.
With each year that passes it gets just a little bit easy for me to celebrate the holidays and with all my heart be truly happy. The 1st 5 years after coming out are the roughest if you ask me but time heals all wounds is really true. I have those that love me and I am allowed to be myself and there is no more hiding. No more closets means that I can live a stealth life as we call it in the trans community. Blending was and still is my goal in my transition. I want to be treated like everyone else and not with any "special" rights as the Alt Right would have you to believe. I want rights like everyone around me and no more and no less. We are all human beings and we all bleed the same color which of course is red. We were created to be who we are supposed to be and well most choose to conform and be like everyone else but we are supposed to be a diverse creation which is the spice of life.
My advice is to live who for you and do not live for anyone else. If those around you truly love you then they would love you no matter what. If they choose to walk away from you then you have your answer which means they never did truly love you. Surround yourself who are the most like you and ones who accept you truly. Take one day at a time and it does get better. I was once who thought it would never get better and now I am excited about my life and where it is going. I clearly know my purpose and have goals set in place that I believe are a reality but I also have my sites set high because I live by the motto: Live big or go home." Another good one to remember is this. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I truly believe that one and keep that in my back pocket for days when I am down which helps me tremendously.
Well the holidays are off to a great start. It looks like last holiday season is not a fluke at all. Though we are in the midst of an awful and bigoted administration that is bent on erasing girls like me it looks as though we are turning a corner. The midterm elections are proving just that. My party that I support gained back the House. I wanted the Democrats to win the Senate but the House is a great start. Trump whose name I rarely use will have to deal with my Democrats. He will have to compromise just a bit because we are here and not going away. The future is looking a bit brighter and looks as though just maybe that we have a chance to take back the White House and undo his destruction of basic human rights. Just wait and see. K?
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
With each year that passes it gets just a little bit easy for me to celebrate the holidays and with all my heart be truly happy. The 1st 5 years after coming out are the roughest if you ask me but time heals all wounds is really true. I have those that love me and I am allowed to be myself and there is no more hiding. No more closets means that I can live a stealth life as we call it in the trans community. Blending was and still is my goal in my transition. I want to be treated like everyone else and not with any "special" rights as the Alt Right would have you to believe. I want rights like everyone around me and no more and no less. We are all human beings and we all bleed the same color which of course is red. We were created to be who we are supposed to be and well most choose to conform and be like everyone else but we are supposed to be a diverse creation which is the spice of life.
My advice is to live who for you and do not live for anyone else. If those around you truly love you then they would love you no matter what. If they choose to walk away from you then you have your answer which means they never did truly love you. Surround yourself who are the most like you and ones who accept you truly. Take one day at a time and it does get better. I was once who thought it would never get better and now I am excited about my life and where it is going. I clearly know my purpose and have goals set in place that I believe are a reality but I also have my sites set high because I live by the motto: Live big or go home." Another good one to remember is this. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I truly believe that one and keep that in my back pocket for days when I am down which helps me tremendously.
Well the holidays are off to a great start. It looks like last holiday season is not a fluke at all. Though we are in the midst of an awful and bigoted administration that is bent on erasing girls like me it looks as though we are turning a corner. The midterm elections are proving just that. My party that I support gained back the House. I wanted the Democrats to win the Senate but the House is a great start. Trump whose name I rarely use will have to deal with my Democrats. He will have to compromise just a bit because we are here and not going away. The future is looking a bit brighter and looks as though just maybe that we have a chance to take back the White House and undo his destruction of basic human rights. Just wait and see. K?
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
" WHAT I AM THANKFUL 4"
As we are quickly approaching Thanksgiving I feel this topic is really appropriate. These days instead of focusing on what I don't have or who I have lost in one or another I am focusing on who I kept in my life, who I have made a connection with and what I have to being thankful for. I know it is hard most times to be that way but that is what I am working on in my life. I am so eternally grateful and grateful for those who I have known 10 years plus, 20 years plus and 30 years plus who once upon a time knew me by my birth names and used to use male pronouns who I know deep within was really hard for them to use my current legal name and use females making it look so easy when I know it had to be hard. They I know love me unconditionally unlike my family that I had no choice but be born into. I am also grateful for those that have only known me as Sara and going by female pronouns who have listened to my story of my journey multiple times who love and support me even when most are straight and cisgender or at least cisgender but still love me for I am truly. I am grateful and thankful for those I have met along the way before during currently either met in person or online or a combination of the two. Without my love I receive locally, nationally, and globally I do not know where I would be or if I would be alive. I have this feeling that if I didn't have community to which I belong I would have committed suicide. They are the wind beneath my wings. Having community gave me the strength to have a place to call home, one that I have upgraded my living situation 2 years in a row and that I give God all the credit in the world. Without God I know in my heart of hearts that I would be dead. Without God I wouldn't have community which I belong to. I have a job thanks to all the love and support which is because of God and all the hard work that I have done and that isn't possible without community which is because of God. Thanks to my employment at a place that is not only an inclusive it allows me to be just as I am which also gives me the insurance to medically transition which in turn allowed me to change both my name and gender marker almost 2 years ago. I am able these days to be on Progesterone since May 9th of 2018 which furthers me further along in my transition and alleviate even more my of my gender dysphoria. My job gave me a security to have full time work for 3 quarters of the year so I have my insurance but also they allow me to have time that I can bank to save when I have my Gender Confirmation Surgery(GCS). My employer allows me to wear dresses/skirts and heels and makeup to help me feel more comfortable though with my uniform shirt and name tag but that is easy to do. Most trans people do not have it easy like me and I do not take that for granite. I live in a state such as Indiana that is an At will state that can fire me for any reason and not have to tell me at all so I do everything possible to make sure that never happens. My transition depends on my employment so why bite the hand that feeds you. I have a loving support groups that I can attend after work that also help me get through rough spots. 2 groups are different trans support groups which help greatly and another LGBTQ+ that helps those with similar Queer experiences. I'm also grateful and thankful for my church family and my Choir for also supportive of me of which I sing in the Alto section and sit with the rest of the women in the choir and they make feel like the rest of them and that means more to me then they could ever realize. So that is what I am thankful.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
"TRANSITIONING 2 A BETTER ME"
Life is always under construction no matter who one is. Changing one's life doesn't matter if one is trans or not. We all need to change to what we are to become and for me that is the all too well known. All of my life I tried being what the world and more importantly my parents wanted me to be. They told me that I am a male and here is how I am supposed to be. I am supposed to be masculine. To those that know me already they know that I was born into a Christian Conservative family. I was born in Phoenix, Arizona. Being born into a Christian Conservative family you learn subconsciously or directly or a combination of that being anywhere in the LGBTQ+ spectrum that it is a choice. A choice they teach is an abomination and if one doesn't get forgiveness if they are active in that kind of life by the time they die then one is deemed into the gates of hell or lake of fire for an eternity.
Looking back into my past I can see in another perspective that I was naturally feminine. I feel my dad saw that in me was that I was LGBTQ+ and that scared him. He felt that he needed to spank the gay out of me and real fast. He wanted to stop me in my tracks who I was supposed to be so he can look good to him and his kind. He was born into the same kind of family who gave him his mental illness and he wanted to do the same.
For decades yes I have had that mental illness and didn't even know it. I tried literally to be the male that he saw me as everything I had in me to giving him what he wanted. He taught me how to be a Christian father, a Christian husband which included teaching me how to mow the lawn which included maintenance of the law mower and repair cars which now of it I truly wanted looking back but learned anyways. Spending time with him was one of those attempts to be what he wanted me to being. I did everything I had in my arsenal to accomplish what he wanted in me. He taught me the very passion of sports which down the road I used to hide behind who I was truly. I spent many hours in church. All of my life I went to whatever Church of Christ my parents took me and my sister to. We went to church 3 times a week. When I got old enough I joined the youth group at my church and went to many youth activities that were clean ones and ones that were church oriented ones and when time came then I joined the Campus ministries and spent a lot of time. Then there became a time when I was old enough I would whenever I was free as in a day off or didn't work until later I would go to Men' Breakfast which included some devotional time and prayer. I did everything I possibly go do to be the man that my father wanted me to.
Anyways when I came out to my parents I had to demolish the person that I built up all those years ago. I had to demolish the person or as I say the character because the foundation was poorly made it was as though the foundation was poor because it was made of wood figurative speaking so it was rotted which lead to the beams and framing to rot so demolition was all that could do. The foundation also was made on sand so to speak. So I am rebuilding a better foundation and this time it is concrete and on solid footing. The real me is being let out of the bottle and the kinder gentler me is out on full display. Though back in my past was loving of African Americans, Hispanics, and Chinese I am even more loving then ever and now love Muslims and those that may not have "papers" allowing them to live in America. These days I love anyone who is LGBTQ, Queer, and trans being that is my people. Back when I lived that old life I hated them because I couldn't direct hatred to my own self so I deflected that hatred on those who most resembled me. These days I am now a Democrat, Liberal, and Socialist because I knew all too well that if I wanted to be free to be me without fear that they would be the party that would look out for me and my people so I am a liberal these days. Being a Republican was another part of my costume to hide who I was much like me having a beard. That all was because I wanted to be loved, feel safe and accepted because I would be apart of the majority though that wasn't the true me which I now know all too well and clearly. I am apart of the oppressed and poor even before but I have found my true happiness doesn't lie in money or being apart of the majority but a much smaller but loyal friends who are apart of my chosen family mixed with some blood family who allow me to be who I am truly and having a job that gives me Insurance that allows me to being on hormones and progesterone which makes me feel like my true self. Transitioning to me is so much more than changing physically but mentally. Allowed to being myself gave me the confidence that I once thought was out of reach is now within my grasp and that makes me so thankful. Being able to be myself allowed me to finally being the adult that others around me are already. Being myself these days is slowly healing my mental health which allows me to heal physically and my medical health is also greatly improving because I am no longer taking risks that put my life at risk and no longer thinking about cutting or committing suicide. These days I do still have my ups and downs because of my past which I remember which is because of the stuff that happens today triggers my past I bounce back much faster. The reason why I bounce back quicker then ever is because I am doing self care even when things appear to be going better because I am know a storm will be coming and I got to be prepared. But without storms there is no learning and without learning there is no maturity and without maturity there is no growth. I need pain to learn from so I can grow. Without mistakes around to have been made there is no learning and no appreciate for anything I achieve. Hard work works is what I have heard and now I see.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
Looking back into my past I can see in another perspective that I was naturally feminine. I feel my dad saw that in me was that I was LGBTQ+ and that scared him. He felt that he needed to spank the gay out of me and real fast. He wanted to stop me in my tracks who I was supposed to be so he can look good to him and his kind. He was born into the same kind of family who gave him his mental illness and he wanted to do the same.
For decades yes I have had that mental illness and didn't even know it. I tried literally to be the male that he saw me as everything I had in me to giving him what he wanted. He taught me how to be a Christian father, a Christian husband which included teaching me how to mow the lawn which included maintenance of the law mower and repair cars which now of it I truly wanted looking back but learned anyways. Spending time with him was one of those attempts to be what he wanted me to being. I did everything I had in my arsenal to accomplish what he wanted in me. He taught me the very passion of sports which down the road I used to hide behind who I was truly. I spent many hours in church. All of my life I went to whatever Church of Christ my parents took me and my sister to. We went to church 3 times a week. When I got old enough I joined the youth group at my church and went to many youth activities that were clean ones and ones that were church oriented ones and when time came then I joined the Campus ministries and spent a lot of time. Then there became a time when I was old enough I would whenever I was free as in a day off or didn't work until later I would go to Men' Breakfast which included some devotional time and prayer. I did everything I possibly go do to be the man that my father wanted me to.
Anyways when I came out to my parents I had to demolish the person that I built up all those years ago. I had to demolish the person or as I say the character because the foundation was poorly made it was as though the foundation was poor because it was made of wood figurative speaking so it was rotted which lead to the beams and framing to rot so demolition was all that could do. The foundation also was made on sand so to speak. So I am rebuilding a better foundation and this time it is concrete and on solid footing. The real me is being let out of the bottle and the kinder gentler me is out on full display. Though back in my past was loving of African Americans, Hispanics, and Chinese I am even more loving then ever and now love Muslims and those that may not have "papers" allowing them to live in America. These days I love anyone who is LGBTQ, Queer, and trans being that is my people. Back when I lived that old life I hated them because I couldn't direct hatred to my own self so I deflected that hatred on those who most resembled me. These days I am now a Democrat, Liberal, and Socialist because I knew all too well that if I wanted to be free to be me without fear that they would be the party that would look out for me and my people so I am a liberal these days. Being a Republican was another part of my costume to hide who I was much like me having a beard. That all was because I wanted to be loved, feel safe and accepted because I would be apart of the majority though that wasn't the true me which I now know all too well and clearly. I am apart of the oppressed and poor even before but I have found my true happiness doesn't lie in money or being apart of the majority but a much smaller but loyal friends who are apart of my chosen family mixed with some blood family who allow me to be who I am truly and having a job that gives me Insurance that allows me to being on hormones and progesterone which makes me feel like my true self. Transitioning to me is so much more than changing physically but mentally. Allowed to being myself gave me the confidence that I once thought was out of reach is now within my grasp and that makes me so thankful. Being able to be myself allowed me to finally being the adult that others around me are already. Being myself these days is slowly healing my mental health which allows me to heal physically and my medical health is also greatly improving because I am no longer taking risks that put my life at risk and no longer thinking about cutting or committing suicide. These days I do still have my ups and downs because of my past which I remember which is because of the stuff that happens today triggers my past I bounce back much faster. The reason why I bounce back quicker then ever is because I am doing self care even when things appear to be going better because I am know a storm will be coming and I got to be prepared. But without storms there is no learning and without learning there is no maturity and without maturity there is no growth. I need pain to learn from so I can grow. Without mistakes around to have been made there is no learning and no appreciate for anything I achieve. Hard work works is what I have heard and now I see.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
"TAKING OFF MY MASK"
Now one may ask what do you mean by taking off my mask? Well let me get to that? K? Before even coming out to myself I tried living as the world and more importantly my parents. Before coming out much less transitioning I had this beard. Like most trans woman I tried so very hard being a man, a man's man. Even before the beard I tried didn't haircuts. Back in high school for instance I grew some mutton chops but after high school I had to cut them back a bit. I cut them back being that I had a job where I work with food. But when I got fired from my 2nd job that I held since post high school I grew a goatee to go along with my sideburns. I kept changing my look every so often. I even once in a great while would grow out my hair but only after a little while fearing that my parents or my friends would sense anything and cut my hair back. Before coming out and transitioning I could grow a really great beard and when it came time every so often going from one job to next the in between when I was unemployed my parents would bug me to cutting off my beard and when I did it made me mad and determined to finding a job one that would allow me to have a goatee and grow it back. During the winter I would connect my goatee and sideburns and have a full beard.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
"SOCIETY IS TO BLAME"
For someone who is LGBTQ+, one that is trans and also is queer while being pansexual I have both heard and know 1st hand when one is being disowned for the fore mentioned it comes from the father. Fathers disown their children for not following society's cisheternormitive norms of society. Society is controlled by Fundamentalist Christians through the means of the Patriarchal society. Patriarchal society is having the father as the head of the house and religion has brainwashed society into how one should live their life.
Now I was a pansexual back in 2018 but now things have happened to changed my sexual orientation and I feel that for me it is forever changed. I sometime ago was sexually assaulted and I have blocked details like when it happened. I was on the public bus and was heading home and a African man with dirty dreadlocks, a dirty and unkept beard while carrying a wigi board. He sat next to me and scooted me closer by wrapping his arms around my waist and he proceeded to put his hand under my dress and caressed my left leg and so incredibly lucky he didn't go into my lower south midsection region. If he had done that he would have realized that I have something extra in my panties being that I am still a Pre Op trans woman. Though he didn't ask for consent if he realized I was trans he would have been pissed. He would have felt that I lied to him by omission and he would have more than justified murdering me so I more than lucky to be alive. Right after that I reported his ass to the police though 3 days later after my friends and even a bus coaxing me to report his ass. I saw him get arrested and him and his lawyer wanted to talk to me but I plea bargained down so I wouldn't go to trial and have realize of me being trans. But at least he is on record of sexually assaulting a woman, ME. But since that incident I don't feel comfortable being around men at least those that I know that are either anti trans or look like a bigot or don't know or know too well. I still can find a man attractive but it doesn't do anything for me. But now when I see a woman no matter if she's trans or cisgender and I find her attractive my palms get all sweaty. I even get all nervous and I get all quiet. Those that know me personally say that I talk a lot but if I see an attractive woman that I am interested in I get all quiet. Now some woman that I find attractive I can talk to but it depends on how I read them.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
Now I was a pansexual back in 2018 but now things have happened to changed my sexual orientation and I feel that for me it is forever changed. I sometime ago was sexually assaulted and I have blocked details like when it happened. I was on the public bus and was heading home and a African man with dirty dreadlocks, a dirty and unkept beard while carrying a wigi board. He sat next to me and scooted me closer by wrapping his arms around my waist and he proceeded to put his hand under my dress and caressed my left leg and so incredibly lucky he didn't go into my lower south midsection region. If he had done that he would have realized that I have something extra in my panties being that I am still a Pre Op trans woman. Though he didn't ask for consent if he realized I was trans he would have been pissed. He would have felt that I lied to him by omission and he would have more than justified murdering me so I more than lucky to be alive. Right after that I reported his ass to the police though 3 days later after my friends and even a bus coaxing me to report his ass. I saw him get arrested and him and his lawyer wanted to talk to me but I plea bargained down so I wouldn't go to trial and have realize of me being trans. But at least he is on record of sexually assaulting a woman, ME. But since that incident I don't feel comfortable being around men at least those that I know that are either anti trans or look like a bigot or don't know or know too well. I still can find a man attractive but it doesn't do anything for me. But now when I see a woman no matter if she's trans or cisgender and I find her attractive my palms get all sweaty. I even get all nervous and I get all quiet. Those that know me personally say that I talk a lot but if I see an attractive woman that I am interested in I get all quiet. Now some woman that I find attractive I can talk to but it depends on how I read them.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
"Sara's self REVOLUTION"
I have made another discovery. It was a blessing in disguise that my surgeon that I had picked out left for Miami, Florida. I have heard that if you are unhappy before surgery then that will unlikely change.There are issues that were at the beginning of the year left unresolved and I had to learn about them and then process them and plus I need to clean my apartment and reorganize it to the point I can recover from my Gender Confirmation Surgery. I will have it just don't know where, by whom and when. But that is for the best at this time. I need to work on these areas and I will become happier though not enough until I have my surgery. I will by the time I have the where, by whom and when be at a mental state that is ready to have surgery. Like yesterday when I revealed about why my so-called dad disowned me and I am these days no longer playing the victim are great steps to where I want to be mentally when I do finally have my surgery. Thank you all for your love and support and more importantly your patience. I appreciate you and love you so immensely. I'm going to see it through and so looking forward to when my dreams come true. I have learned that there are those in this life that are doing better than us but also there are those whose lives are worse than my own. That is to keep me both grounded and too not get to down on myself. I am to not exalt myself and to remain humble in this thing we all call life. There will be struggles and I will lose people either physically, mentally, psychologically or rather through advancing career wise or physically leaving this life. I got to remain strong and know that I am a strong and independent trans, lesbian, queer, woman. I am simply a woman.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
"SOCIETAL CONTROL: FUNDAMENTAL CHRISTIANITY, THE GENDER POLICE & THE FIGHT FOR WORKPLACE EQUALITY"
This is something that I have been thinking for quite awhile now. Ever since transitioning to living my life as a woman that I have identified all of my life I have heard "This is a man's world and now I understand that quite well. Society is controlled by fundamentalism Christianity and that I know all too well. Growing up in that kind of Christianity kept me in my closet deep into my own personal prison and in solitary confinement. The more time spent in my own personal hell the more the walls were slowly closing in. Figuratively I couldn't breathe. I grew up in a house that was not only Christian but Christian Conservative. I can't count how many times I heard that being gay was a choice. I lived and was surrounded by those that were much like my family. I never heard anything about the trans community and that one can transition from one gender to the next or that identified with neither gender. In fact I only heard of male and female as in sexual characteristics. In fact I knew no one that was assigned a sex but identified as the other gender. Now it as partly because of the time of which I grew up but also that Christian Conservatives made up the rules of how society lived, how to dress and whom to love and even what kind of dating relationship to be. It wasn't until really when I heard of Laverne Cox and Janet Mock. It though took the story of Dyson, The Princess Boy even though I can only identify as how I wanted to dress. Unlike him I don't identify with the sex I was assigned at birth.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
"RECONCILING BEING A CHRISTIAN AND LGBTQ+ WHILE TRANSITIONING"
You have heard fundamentalist Christians say that if one that is gay and doesn't ask and receive forgiveness when they die is going straight to hell and this is my story. Over 5 years ago I began searching for my identity. When I came across this article about this boy Dyson known as "Princess Boy" this is when I began to have my own questions. Now he is kinda like me but also different at the same time. He identifies as a boy one that happens to love wearing dresses, loves the color pink and things that are sparkly. I started to wonder how I would look in a dress. It took me to research what all I would need to know in order to transition if that is I needed to transition. I had to go through my Pros and Cons and each out. I even did experiments to see if I was trans. I know deep down back then I was but scared. I had to do a lot of convincing me that I needed to trans and really bad. I was afraid to go against what I was taught by my parents and I knew deep within that I was going to lose them. So I came out to those that I felt would be the most likely to accept me. I didn't think about it then but I was setting my support that I would need to make my transition extremely successful. When I was ready to come out to the more challenging people I started slowly coming out to them. Now I heard that there will be those that surprise you and will accept you. I also have heard that those that will reject you when you think they will. Now the latter didn't happen but there were most certainly that have more than surprised me. Those that have surprised me when they accepted me drove my transition in a very positive direction. I have heard that it takes a village but only in the context of raising children but that to me even carries into adulthood as well. I have had so much incredible support that I wouldn't be where I am today if weren't from my huge support from what I call my chosen family. Now talking about chosen family I have heard about that and yes it is completely correct and more than I had once realized. I lost most of my blood family being that most are brainwashed with their religion much like I once upon a time ago I was. Now some blood family are apart of my chosen family and it is slowly happening with my birth family. I have found more love and support outside my parents and my sister. I know what true love is. True love is unconditional. Unconditional love means there isn't anything you can do or not do to lose their love. Unconditional love means that they want you to be happy and in a great mental state of mind and those are extremely important to them just you know.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
"REBUTTING THE WHOLE CHROMOSOME ARGUMENT"
Before when hearing the whole "chromosome" argument from the Christian Conservative side when stating that trans women are really men ;well it took me quite a while to think of the counter argument and no one I knew ever thought of this. If it really is about the "chromosome" argument then let me share the insight that came to me. Okay? Do you know who the 1st trans woman in history is? For those that have gone to at least one bible class as a kid there is this story in the bible that is taught to kids that made me think think of the the story of Adam and Eve. Adam was put into a deep sleep and his rib was taken out of him and that rib is what Eve was made from. Now that rib you know had male chromosomes all over it so Eve was the very 1st trans woman. So when you hear that whole "chromosome" argument coming from a Christian Conservative person you can arm yourself with this argument and sit back and watch them squirm. People like Mike Pence need to learn to shut their damn mouth when it comes to trans people and how we need Conversion Therapy. That ideology and method is both cruel and ineffective. Corrective therapy doesn't change one's gender identity but to reject it. The rejecting it comes at a price of making one feel shameful. Shame makes one think they are sinful and that it is a choice. It isn't a choice and I know all too well myself. I tried over 35 years rejecting my true identity and I made an attempt on my life that I know personally was because of that shame that made me feel broken and not wanting to lose my family. I had to transition and still lost my family. The reason why the Alt Right has this in their head in the 1st place is because of Janice Raymond. She wrote a book called "The Transsexual Empire: The Making of the She-Male. Now I hate that word she-male. It emplies that we are really men trying to be women. She states that we trans women are really men using our so-called "Male Priviledge" to make women conform to our idea what a woman really looks like. That we are supposedly wanting all women to be feminine and get in their place. Now when I am out and about I look what they say is what they think of trans women being feminine from me wearing makeup, dress and heels with my purse but that is how I present myself. I present myself how I have always seen myself inwardly outwardly. I am in no way trying to get all women to be feminine. Just because I am feminine doesn't all women should be like me. These arguments that Janice Raymond have gotten Germaine Greer, a prominent opponent to the trans community have pushed the so-called feminist movement to assist Christian Conservative movement to write public policy attempting to erase people like me away. We are having the 45 Administration trying to legislate me and my fellow trans community out of existence. They are stacking the courts to their way and even have on the books about this whole Real ID on our licences to being able to travel. They want to have a theocracy and force their perverted version of religion down our throats and make everyone believe like them. They want to establish religion which would go against the Founding Fathers of America. They the Founding Fathers had our ancestors leave England all because they thought we shouldn't have religion forced onto us and live how we see fit.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
“PRE-OP SIDE OF THE TRACKS COMING 2 AN END”
It doesn’t seem like long ago I started my journey into becoming the woman I am today. But here I am today working towards having my Gender Confirmation Surgery(GCS). I finally had my consultation on May 10, 2019. I found out that my insurance that I get through work is absolutely amazing. My insurance pays for 80% and I pay the rest. The part that I am responsible I can make in payments to what I can afford. Right now I am waiting on my insurance to sign off on it which can take 3 months at the most and after that a month after that day is when I go under the knife and having my life changing saving surgery that will finally have my mind and body congruent with one another. But before then I have lots to do in preparation of my big day. There is lots that I need for my post op care and I need to organize my apartment and throw out what I do not need and wash all my clothes and wash the dishes. I have been depressed because I so need this surgery to finally stabilize my life once in for all.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
"NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY"
1st off I know I am quite bit late and I'm sorry. You have heard when it rains it pours and that is so true with me here. I have had many topics come to me quite literally every day and with me working I am just getting on this. By the time it hits online it will be later and for that I am sorry. K? 2013 was the beginning of my coming out and boy was it a doozy of a story. I came out the 1st time as a trans woman who also came out as a lesbian and this story will be the one this year and plan on telling my other coming out stories in the future so be on the watch for following year blogs in the future like next year and beyond. K?
So back to the whole coming out as both trans and lesbian. K? Imagine someone who is born into a Christian Conservative environment such as me and how my parents and sister would react to such news of any going against their societal norms of how one should live and you can draw your own conclusions. My so-called dad who I refer to as pardon my french, my "sperm donor." He graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineer from Arizona State and by all purposes possesses a lot of book smarts but when I came out to him as a trans woman he in turn asked if I still liked women and he said "good! We can still save you." The very week he turned to me saying: "That if you thing you are going to be my lesbian daughter then you got another thing coming." You see it took him a whole week to realize that I am a LGBTQ+ person no matter how you slice it. He maybe book smart but he is stupid when it comes to humanity.
Now my mom who I now refer to as my incubator or one whose oven held the bun that is me, she for most of my life was a nice woman. But the years since I came out as become even worse then my sperm donor. A few years ago she replied to my text message saying thank you for my Mother Day wishes but turned to saying how she will always love me and that I will never be her daughter and how she misses her son and that she and her husband will never stop loving me and praying for me every day and wants me to not go to hell for my choices in life. She is you see worse then my father. She is so evil and filled with hate from her heart. She may say love but is without action which is no love at all.
If you think they are bad and yeah they are but my sister is all the more evil then they are put together. She says that we must submit to God's ways and not our own. She fails to see that I am submitting to God's will. She says that I am going straight to hell for I am a sinner in the worst kind of way. She states that I am a God hater and leading others to sin against God. She violates Matthew 7. It states not to judge and the way you judge you too will be judged. I would so hate to be in her shoes as she faces juddgment for judging me and others.
Now I am not judging just stating that I would hate to be them com judgement day. They need to take a look at their own life till they are without sin. Jesus who never sinned didn't even cast the 1st stone at the woman who committed adultery many times over. Jesus looks at the heart and humans judge without knowing the whole story. Jesus had every right to cast the 1st stone and yet didn't. We are told to live as Jesus does and you see my family doesn't. The bible mentions hell and we often think of hell after life ends but the fact is they are referring to hell on earth. I been to hell which is not for punishment but for learning purposes. The bible references how God is the potter and we are the clay being molded and the hell on earth is to stretch us so we can grow and I have learned and became a better more inclusive when it comes to loving those that Jesus would love the fringe of society who the world casts off like the LGBTQ+ as I am one of them and love more. My heart has been softened to love humanity more than ever. I once was taught to hate Muslims and today I have met many and asked about their faith and I am not Muslim but my father said I would either be killed for asking or be asked to convert and if not converted and then I would be dead. I am neither a Muslim and still alive. They are just another faith and will defend a Muslim if I see them being persecuted for their faith. I wouldn't help them before but God put some in my life and now I love them.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
So back to the whole coming out as both trans and lesbian. K? Imagine someone who is born into a Christian Conservative environment such as me and how my parents and sister would react to such news of any going against their societal norms of how one should live and you can draw your own conclusions. My so-called dad who I refer to as pardon my french, my "sperm donor." He graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineer from Arizona State and by all purposes possesses a lot of book smarts but when I came out to him as a trans woman he in turn asked if I still liked women and he said "good! We can still save you." The very week he turned to me saying: "That if you thing you are going to be my lesbian daughter then you got another thing coming." You see it took him a whole week to realize that I am a LGBTQ+ person no matter how you slice it. He maybe book smart but he is stupid when it comes to humanity.
Now my mom who I now refer to as my incubator or one whose oven held the bun that is me, she for most of my life was a nice woman. But the years since I came out as become even worse then my sperm donor. A few years ago she replied to my text message saying thank you for my Mother Day wishes but turned to saying how she will always love me and that I will never be her daughter and how she misses her son and that she and her husband will never stop loving me and praying for me every day and wants me to not go to hell for my choices in life. She is you see worse then my father. She is so evil and filled with hate from her heart. She may say love but is without action which is no love at all.
If you think they are bad and yeah they are but my sister is all the more evil then they are put together. She says that we must submit to God's ways and not our own. She fails to see that I am submitting to God's will. She says that I am going straight to hell for I am a sinner in the worst kind of way. She states that I am a God hater and leading others to sin against God. She violates Matthew 7. It states not to judge and the way you judge you too will be judged. I would so hate to be in her shoes as she faces juddgment for judging me and others.
Now I am not judging just stating that I would hate to be them com judgement day. They need to take a look at their own life till they are without sin. Jesus who never sinned didn't even cast the 1st stone at the woman who committed adultery many times over. Jesus looks at the heart and humans judge without knowing the whole story. Jesus had every right to cast the 1st stone and yet didn't. We are told to live as Jesus does and you see my family doesn't. The bible mentions hell and we often think of hell after life ends but the fact is they are referring to hell on earth. I been to hell which is not for punishment but for learning purposes. The bible references how God is the potter and we are the clay being molded and the hell on earth is to stretch us so we can grow and I have learned and became a better more inclusive when it comes to loving those that Jesus would love the fringe of society who the world casts off like the LGBTQ+ as I am one of them and love more. My heart has been softened to love humanity more than ever. I once was taught to hate Muslims and today I have met many and asked about their faith and I am not Muslim but my father said I would either be killed for asking or be asked to convert and if not converted and then I would be dead. I am neither a Muslim and still alive. They are just another faith and will defend a Muslim if I see them being persecuted for their faith. I wouldn't help them before but God put some in my life and now I love them.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
"MENTAL MATURIZATION WHILE TRANSITIONING"
Before coming out my maturity growth was stunted. I had no idea and couldn't see it. You hear that girls mature faster then boys and oh how I know that too well. Ever since coming out and transitioning and I mean transitioning physically I am maturing and maturing majorly. The 1st 5 yrs of the whole coming process is so incredibly hard especially without family support. I have had to grow up and really fast. I now realized that my parents especially my dad controlled every aspect of my life. Even while living on my own my dad controlled everything. The apartments that I lived in and the cars that I drove they were all courtesy of my dad. I took care of the minor details but that truly isn't living. The place where I am living is the 1st place I ever looked for on my own and I have a car that is mine without his help. The job I have is also one that I found on my own. My current employment is what affords me to physically transition. They treat me as the woman that I am truly. Even before hormones I was treated as who I identify as. I am accepted for who I and it makes me so much more comfortable doing so. Looking back on my journey and seeing where this journey is taking me simply amazing. I thought last holidays was my best and now it is this holiday season. Ever since redefining what family is to me I am experiencing a true happiness and peace that transcends both time and space. I am experiencing Christmas this year happiness that has me smiling from ear to ear. I am happy like a little girl with expectations of Santa coming to visit her. This happyiness and joy that I am experiencing is so foreign to me but is so much joy that I am sharing it with all that I am interacting with. The 4th year of coming out I started to thaw out my mental pain that I had experienced of my family that is my birth family gave me all because of me living openly as the woman I know myself being. While counting my drawer last night I got to thinking of how I am starting to think like management and can see so clearly what I need to do to accomplish what I am being paid to do. These days knowing that I am financially depended on myself I fight to tooth and nail to not only keep my job but do the best quality of work possible. I think many steps ahead what needs to being done and it scares me. I have noticed how mature I am becoming and have come out of no where since being on hormones. Looking back at where I mentioned about girls maturing faster than boys well I am living proof. Girls mature faster than boys especially when one girl herself, me was trying to be a boy of which I am now well aware of I am not one.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
"HEALTH:MENTAL, PHYSICAL, MEDICAL & OVERALL HEALTH"
Since coming out transitioning to my true identity, female it has been a very hard adjustment. It has been a hard adjustment because family has been a huge part of my life and now I have been without them for over 5 years all because of me transitioning is to them going against their religious beliefs. Not having them in my life and even before I had been suffering from the abuse that I had received from them. I was abused in every way except sexually. When I had the courage and strength to come out as trans though not verbally but having answered questions that my dad had of me I knodded confirming what he had expected he in turn "outed me"and "misgendered me" and "dead-named" me and told on me to the landlord to the place I was living at before being homeless. He is the very reason why I was homeless. He also told on me to the landlord that I had someone staying with me that wasn't on the lease which is none of his excuse my french his damn business.
During the holidays it is about families and well I lost mine. I had to mourn for many years of losing them. It is very hard grieving those that had always been in my life and now they weren't anymore. But since last year during the holidays it looked like a fluke that I had a great holiday season but now I know it wasn't any fluke. Looking back I started getting better because everything that I wanted to say to my "sperm donor" I finally did. What I had said to him was without any filter. Though I didn't say it to him in person I said whatever was on my mind and I didn't hold back. I used my favorite curse word many times over and blamed him for my grandpa; his dad for dying last year. I hurt him like he did me and I feel absolutely no sorrow, no remorse or sorry what I said to him. It feels great that what I had got off my chest. This holiday is even better than the last one as I now have been able to mentally redefine what family is. Family is the people who you share time with and that love you for simply being "you." There is no strings attached to receiving that love and well my parents, my sister loved me with conditions which isn't love at all. Just because they share blood with me doesn't make them family. Birth families we don't choose but chosen families we do get to choose.
Since saying what I had always wanted to say to dad mentally I have been healing. Mental healing has lead to my physical health and medical health has been healing. My overall health is getting better day by day and it feels so damn great being generally happy. No longer trying to make myself happy and simply being happy feels like that I am seeing color in my life. No longer am I seeing everything around me black and white and that is so refreshing. I am able to sing Christmas songs. Now I still cry but now it is happy tears. I am so generally happy just overwhelming thankful and grateful for where I am in my life. I have so much joy that I need to share it with others. I have such a supply of joy that I need to share it. Whenever I see someone that is where I was once I want to brighten their day because I remember when I was like them. I want everyone that doesn't have family in their life for whatever reason that I support them and will be there for them.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
"FITTING IN WITH DA GIRLS"
Looking back decades ago when I used to try and be a boy I am well aware of these days that I didn't feel comfortable being around boys. I never fit in with the boys because I was a girl trying so hard in being one of them. You see my environment of which I grew up in thinks that being LGBTQ+ is a choice, one that is an abomination and deemed for the very gates of hell if we do not ask for and receive forgiveness from God herself. They to this day do not think that girls like me do not exist. They think that we are hiding the fact that we are gay men who refuse to admit to ourselves that very fact in their head about girls like me. They conflate gender identity and sexual orientation is one in the same or interchangeable but that is just not true. I can prove that gender identity and sexual orientation are not the same in my case. Though I didn't have the language that I have today to vocalize my feelings I knew my gender identity that I am a girl and not a boy. I knew in my heart of hearts that I had to conform to the idea of me being a male seeing that is what I was told that I was all because of what is between my legs. They seem to think it is what is between ones legs dictate what gender is. Now sex determines what is between one's legs is but not gender. What the heart says is gender identity and mine is and always going to be female. Now when puberty hit it hit in the worse place possible and time too. My puberty hit when I was in my fundamentalist church that I grew up in and I started noticing men and looking at their crouch while in church and knew that I had to suppress this. By the way that doesn't make me gay not that it isn't wrong it is just not me. For decades I had to conform what I learned and that was I had to be cisgender and straight. But like all of us who are LGBTQ+ I hit that wall and really hard. Looking back I started with friends who were boys but the further I went to school I started getting more friends who were girls. I found that I was more comfortable around the girls. When my parents had dinner parties I would be in the kitchen with the ladies more so then with dad and the men. I felt a sense of comfort around women that I could never found with men. Conversations with men were uneasy because I couldn't relate unless it was about sports. Sports is the one area where I could connect with men but if the conversation went away from sports then I couldn't relate. Now when I was around the ladies I listened only because I didn't want to give away my true feelings but deep down I knew I could relate.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
"FEARING THE PINK: FEARING TRUE IDENTITY"
Back before coming out to even myself I feared wearing the color pink and many wondered why. To many the color pink represents in our binary world femininity which of course is associated with females. I even wondered what the true reason why really was. I know that any color can be worn by any gender no matter what but the environment from which I was born into which most know by now is a Christian Conservative home. They taught me that I must live by a traditional way of life. A traditional way of life teaches anything that is to go against anything that threatens the patriarchal way of life is evil. That kind of life has man or father in charge with the mother both answering and listening to his demands and raising and enforcing those to her children. They instruct that one must be straight and cisgender. Being gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, trans and anywhere in those spectrums is taught to being a "CHOICE" and one that is an abomination and if one dies before asking forgiveness is doomed to the very gates of hell. I feared the color pink because fearing it would OUT the "true me" and I feared at that period of my life people would know the true me. I wasn't ready to be ME so hiding at that time was the only way that present time. I wondered why in my past why I wasn't truly HAPPY. But nowadays it was because I wasn't being honest and not following God whom today I truly serve. I was putting my own family ahead of God which means that I was "idol worshipping" them by putting them higher than God. By them being an Idol before coming out and being authentic I was doing exactly what God instructed me in her holy word not to do and that is why I wasn't truly happy. I placed them ahead of God because of my love and loyalty and knowing that if I didn't live their way I would lose them. I did everything I could do so I wouldn't lose them. I feared losing them because I once upon a time thought they truly loved me and they had punished me fearing that I was LGBTQ+ and was doing it because they loved me. Nowadays I know their love truly wasn't truly love because it is love with conditions which isn't love. True love is love without any conditions. It simply loves. Today I follow and serve God with all of my heart, soul, mind, & strength. As Psalm 37:4 states: Take delight in the Lord and they shall give you the desires heart I now truly believe that and it applies to me. Before being my true and authentic self that I am today I couldn't even begin to truly love God with all of my heart, soul, mind, & strength because of lying to not only myself but others. I couldn't delight in God because I had to learn to accept who I am and love myself, my true self. One has to love themselves before they love God and others. Once you love yourself then you can love God and others. God has soften my heart and led others that I would never have crossed paths with much less become friends. I was taught to hate Muslims and love but to a limit other faiths because I was taught they were not worshipping correcting or teaching the "real" truth. I have heard to not live for others and now I do. I live for myself which is living for God and serving her and others. I couldn't serve her or others till I could love myself for I am truly and who she meant for me to be. I had to trust with all of my heart before I could love others but only after loving God and myself. "To thine own self be true" as Polonius states. We are each made for a different purpose and mine is to show the world life from a trans perspective and help achieve equality as in marriage equality which was achieved and to God be the glory.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
https://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com/
She, Her, Hers
"BEING TRANS NOT A DISABILITY"
I'm getting pretty tired of people who on the Alt Right side say being trans such as I am being a disability. Being trans means that I have a body that needs to being changed to my gender identity. My body is much like someone that is born without a limb and like them I need surgery to correct my body part, my equipment. I'm not mentally ill by saying I am a woman. Their side says that girls like me who think they are a woman when in fact they say we are men. It is just another verbal assault to discredit our identities. They are just plain ole uncomfortable being around people like me. It says more about them then it says about me. Recently there was a trans woman that was stabbed 119 times like last year and that it is because of people like Trump who says misleading things intentionally that leads to crimes like this. His followers eat up everything he says as pure facts. The fundamentalist Christians spew such viral stuff about anyone LGBTQ+ especially those like me who apart of the trans community like me. They say that we are just gay men who go around tricking men into sleeping with us which is what the defendant who stabbed the trans woman 119 times. They use the bible to back up their feelings. Now they bend and twist the bible to their opinions. They accuse the trans community first off being gay or lesbian and say that it is a lifestyle choice and that we are perverted. But they are the ones that are thinking what is in our pants which is perversion. They are the ones that are perverted not me. I am just doing what makes me feel better. I am just alleviating as much as possible my gender dysphoria and hopefully next summer have my GCS( Gender Confirmation Surgery). Well anyone can bend the bible to support their opinions. Everyone has an opinion but I don't want their opinion. If I want their opinion then I would ask for it.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, Her, Hers
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
http://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
"BEING LGBTQ+, TRANS, & QUEER DURING THE HOLIDAYS"
For someone who is LGBTQ+, trans, queer, and lesbian whom also is polyamorous such as myself it is extremely hard during the holidays. For most people holidays is about family and for me most of my blood family washed their collective hands of me when I came out as trans and that cuts really deep. Most of my family is conservative and a fundamentalist Christian which I refer to as "fake Christians" or in name only. My family believes that one being LGBTQ+ is not only a choice but that we are an abomination which means God more than hates us according to them and their kind. They believe if one is active in that "lifestyle" and never ask for forgiveness and leave that behind when we die then we are destined for the lake of fire which is hell and be separated from God forever in our eternal punishment or suffering. They claim that God didn't make us this way and it is our own "choosing."
I have had to learn a thing called a chosen family. A chosen family is people that we choose to be in our family and one that loves us for who are deep from within and without conditions on receiving that love. They are there for us even if it is not money. They are there to lean on and cry on their shoulder and cry on and talk it out and give us encouragement and some sage advice when they can and when we need it to help us along the way.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, Her, Hers
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
http://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
I have had to learn a thing called a chosen family. A chosen family is people that we choose to be in our family and one that loves us for who are deep from within and without conditions on receiving that love. They are there for us even if it is not money. They are there to lean on and cry on their shoulder and cry on and talk it out and give us encouragement and some sage advice when they can and when we need it to help us along the way.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, Her, Hers
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
http://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
"AWE THOSE DAMN HORMONES"
"ESTROGEN V.S TESTOSTERONE"
Now I am referencing when someone like me who was assigned male at birth who identifies who is undergoing HRT(Hormone Replacement Therapy). I have been on HRT since April 22, 2015 so I know a thing or 2 bout where I am going with this and soon hopefully you will too. Now unlike cisgender females I do not bleed during my "time of month" but I go through what is known as period-like symptoms. My testosterone is so suppressed that I am at a cisgender female levels which feel good. Now when it is my "time of month" my birth hormones are fighting with my estrogen that I have been receiving by estradiol and they are fighting with each other. My body is still making testosterone but these days it is lower levels but they are wanting to produce more though I am taking my Estradiol which is making estrogen. My body wants more testosterone but my taking Estradiol makes that impossible. But when my "time of month" is over then there isn't that conflict and my moods are calm. But whenever my "time of month" is in full swing I want my personal space more than usual and I want to be left alone. I am also crying more but also angrier then usual. My mood swings aren't pleasant for me or more importantly those around me. My 1st puberty wasn't pleasant but for different reasons being it was the wrong one. This time it is the correct one and though not much fun at least this time is the right puberty. I am more comfortable in my own body though I still want to have my surgery to fix my plumbing to feel even more comfortable in my own body and skin. One day my body, gender identity and mind will all be congruent I know deep within my soul. I want it more and more with each passing day that I can taste it. People may wonder why I want this surgery so much. It is 1st to finally feel peace complete peace but I also want to get intimate with someone which involves having a vagina. Until I have a vagina there will no be no sexual intimacy. I do not feel comfortable sexually until I have had surgery. But once I had my surgery then I will be ready to go finally.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, Her, Hers
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
http://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, Her, Hers
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
http://hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
“SARA’S TRANSITION SURGERY UPDATE”
It was a year of surgeries just not the one that I had wanted or have dreamed before I had even come out and started to transition. I had my consult for my surgery but then it all came unraveling. All my hard work and all for nothing so I was a more than a little disappointed. I got a notice that the only surgeon who can perform my Penial Vaginoplasty in the state of Indiana is leaving Indiana to set up her own practice in Miami, Florida. I felt abandoned when I needed her most and felt my heart all ripped out and stomped out all over. I was simply devastated that I instantly started to think those bad thoughts of wanting to more than hurt myself I simply started losing the will to live and wanted to end it all. My gender dysphoria is so incredibly bad that this news felt like I was stabbed in the back with a knife and that my life was slipping away.
But lucky I have my support in place long ago. Little did I also know this was just the tip of the iceberg. I got even more devastating news then my surgeon leaving Indiana and was all the worse of tragic proportions. The only people in my family that isn’t in my life that my heart still yearns for my nieces and nephews I have learned they have had to live with the fact they are being abused by my own sister and her husband my brother-in-law. They were my sister and brother-in-law arrested and I learned at the time that my sister was pregnant at the time with her 10th child. Yes, you read that correctly. I only knew 7 of them before my being disowned from the family after I came out. Since that time they had 2 more children and she was pregnant with her 10th. Her 10th one has since been born and CPS came and took that her newborn from her custody and presently do not know what it is either. In fact, I do not know the name of their 8th child and their gender or the 9th one either. I don’t even know the name of the 10th one either along with their gender. So anyways before that child’s birth she had been released along with her husband after getting their bonds paid and hired a lawyer for each of them courtesy of my own parents. I feel like that is a slap in my face. My parents told on me to a former landlord outing me, dead naming me and misgendering which led me being homeless which was about for 9 months. But my parents whom still treat me as the “evil” child and I have never been ever arrested for anything much less a felony. I would never lay a hand on a child either physically or sexually. But they will do anything to help her but pull back their love from me all because of me coming out and transitioning.
Now anyways this holiday season despite the disappointing news from my surgeon leaving and my sister and her husband’s arrest from abusing my nieces and nephews is still the best I have had since my last year I tried being who the world still says that I am. Looking back all I had to endure my entire transition and where I am is worlds apart. Just before Christmas I received my Christmas miracle. The goal that I had in mind since before transitioning is finally happening. I’m still in the process of going further. I have my long hair finally out in the open in public with some help which is a wig topper to give me bangs and cover up my crown wear my hair is really thin. So I would say that has a lot to do with me being extremely happy.
These days I can find the positive even when things are looking bleak. But don’t ya worry I am not close to giving up. I am in the process of looking at my options on where and who will do my surgery that I so desperately need and want. Though I go through my rough patches like a cat I always land on my feet. So I just learned as I am writing this my spirit animal is a cat.
I hope all my readers have a very Merry Christmas, Happy New Year or Happy you fill in the blank what holiday or holidays you all celebrate. If you at any time feel like you or someone you know someone who is Trans, you can call this number. For those in America the Trans Hotline number is 877-565-8860.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, Her, Hers
Hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
Sorry that I haven’t posted much this year. I will try my best to keep you all updated as my New Year’s Resolution. Okay?
But lucky I have my support in place long ago. Little did I also know this was just the tip of the iceberg. I got even more devastating news then my surgeon leaving Indiana and was all the worse of tragic proportions. The only people in my family that isn’t in my life that my heart still yearns for my nieces and nephews I have learned they have had to live with the fact they are being abused by my own sister and her husband my brother-in-law. They were my sister and brother-in-law arrested and I learned at the time that my sister was pregnant at the time with her 10th child. Yes, you read that correctly. I only knew 7 of them before my being disowned from the family after I came out. Since that time they had 2 more children and she was pregnant with her 10th. Her 10th one has since been born and CPS came and took that her newborn from her custody and presently do not know what it is either. In fact, I do not know the name of their 8th child and their gender or the 9th one either. I don’t even know the name of the 10th one either along with their gender. So anyways before that child’s birth she had been released along with her husband after getting their bonds paid and hired a lawyer for each of them courtesy of my own parents. I feel like that is a slap in my face. My parents told on me to a former landlord outing me, dead naming me and misgendering which led me being homeless which was about for 9 months. But my parents whom still treat me as the “evil” child and I have never been ever arrested for anything much less a felony. I would never lay a hand on a child either physically or sexually. But they will do anything to help her but pull back their love from me all because of me coming out and transitioning.
Now anyways this holiday season despite the disappointing news from my surgeon leaving and my sister and her husband’s arrest from abusing my nieces and nephews is still the best I have had since my last year I tried being who the world still says that I am. Looking back all I had to endure my entire transition and where I am is worlds apart. Just before Christmas I received my Christmas miracle. The goal that I had in mind since before transitioning is finally happening. I’m still in the process of going further. I have my long hair finally out in the open in public with some help which is a wig topper to give me bangs and cover up my crown wear my hair is really thin. So I would say that has a lot to do with me being extremely happy.
These days I can find the positive even when things are looking bleak. But don’t ya worry I am not close to giving up. I am in the process of looking at my options on where and who will do my surgery that I so desperately need and want. Though I go through my rough patches like a cat I always land on my feet. So I just learned as I am writing this my spirit animal is a cat.
I hope all my readers have a very Merry Christmas, Happy New Year or Happy you fill in the blank what holiday or holidays you all celebrate. If you at any time feel like you or someone you know someone who is Trans, you can call this number. For those in America the Trans Hotline number is 877-565-8860.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, Her, Hers
Hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Trans Advocate
Sorry that I haven’t posted much this year. I will try my best to keep you all updated as my New Year’s Resolution. Okay?
“SARA’S UPDATE:HER SEXUALITY IS FLUID”
Ever since I have come out my sexual orientation has been ever so changing. When I 1st came out as a trans woman I also came out as a lesbian. I identified as lesbian for quite awhile but then one day it didn’t fit me anymore. I started noticing that I was also attracted to men so I identified as a bisexual leaning towards women. But the more that I have been on hormones I started noticing men more and was becoming more and more interested in men. So, I still identified as a bisexual but now leaning towards men. Then one day I didn’t like women the way I used to so I came out ironically as straight meaning I only was attracted to men. But then one day I started becoming more interested in men but women and not just cisgender or even trans but everything in between so I came out as a pansexual and I am also polyamorous and that lasted for quite awhile but some things have changed and some has to do with the crap that happened when I was sexually assaulted by a man and of all places the public transportation. He proceeded by 1st sitting next to me on the bus then moving me closer to him so he can put his arm under my dress and caress my legs. I am so grateful that he didn’t go to my lower south mid-section being that he would find that I have something extra underneath my panties. When men have found when trans women have something extra in their panties they have been murdered. Another thing I started noticing that I have wanted to have a girlfriend. I am back where it all started my transition which is that I am a lesbian. Sorry men I am only attracted to women. This time the only thing that is different when I identified as a lesbian is that I want multiple girlfriends at the same time. I simply realized the reason why I have not done a great job of being committed is because I am polyamorous.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
Trans Advocate
She, Her, Hers
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
Trans Advocate
She, Her, Hers
“Year of Surgeries”
I knew this year I would start to work on finally having the surgery that I have wanted since coming out as a trans woman. That surgery is referred to as bottom surgery. The technical name is called Vaginoplasty. To the trans community it is referred to SRS( Sex Reassignment Surgery) or GCS( Gender Confirmation Surgery). I’m still in the needing information for my insurance just not from me. Cutting through all the red tape is extremely exhausting. Me and my mental health need for all parties involved to hurry up. They are playing with me and my mental health. The more time that they take in getting me to the point where I hear a date for surgery the more anxious I am becoming. I need this surgery to finally relieve my gender dysphoria mostly. I know that my gender dysphoria won’t totally go away but I do know that I will be a lot better off mentally. I dream of my surgery from the time that I awaken to the sunshine or at least day till the time that I am asleep. I simply want to live my life and live out my dreams that do not necessarily deal with being a trans woman. I want to work on non-transitioning goals like for instance work on my career. I can’t work on that till I am done with my pre op transitioning life that I am presently working on. I want to follow in the footsteps of my role model, Laverne Cox. I want to have both name recognition and the money that would allow me to have tremendous influence to educate the masses on a big state. I want to achieve rights for the trans community. I am all about equality for all and just the majority. I also want to find a girlfriend who could perhaps would become my wife. I want to connect with her with our minds, souls and of course bodies and right now there is a little plumbing in the way that I want to experience with another woman. I want to have a vagina and have her enter me through the front and me lie there and take it.
Anyways I have had surgeries that I hadn’t planned on having which I guess is practice for me to get me ready when I have the surgery that I mentioned above this paragraph. With each surgery I am learning how to recover not just physically but more importantly mentally. 1st I had my wisdom teeth removed which were killing me and I had to eat soft foods but that didn’t last. I slowly started eating like I love to but that was short-lived. I had my next surgery only 2 months after that surgery. I had suffered for way too long with some abdominal pain that my friends kept trying to encourage me to have it checked out and I didn’t because I was too afraid. Well the pain got too hard to bare that I finally gave in and threw in the towel and went right after work to the ER and finally got it checked out. I found out that I had gallstones and had to go on a very strict diet. Those that know me all too well know just how much I love my food. But my pain is what got me to eat a little healthy though a little cheating. I was scheduled to have it checked out a month after that appointment and my surgeon urged me to having surgery. With some prodding from him and without my friend who drove me to see him didn’t have to say anything to say let’s go for the surgery. Ever since that surgery it has been quite a struggle mentally more than physically. It feels ever since my gallbladder was surgically I was missing a little piece of me and I am not referring to my gallbladder. I lost some stuff at the hospital that were important to me. Over six years ago I experienced homelessness and that made possessions more important than most people. So, losing some possessions that I still have no clue where they went I went into despair. But I have been slowly replacing them and that has helped a little. Before any of my friends of mine started to moving away which anyone that knows me; my circle of friends means the world to me. I have more than a little trouble of saying goodbye and in fact it is my kryptonite one can say. It is hard letting go of those that I care about very much so. I am happy for their next adventure but at the very same time I am selfish and want to keep them close. I know that I will adjust but it takes some to heal those wounds. With all of this I have been dealing I need some TLC for me. Also the fact the world well America seems to be going all crazy and having all these mass shootings and having my liberal bubble: Bloomington, IN being invaded by the KKK and their whole recruiting here does more than a little scare me. They more than hate African Americans they hate the LGBTQ+ especially trans people such as myself. They are so violent towards those that they see that are not like them in any way shape or form. With all of the violence that has been happening like my trans family being murdered also has been contributing to me and my mental health not exactly being healthy. I took a little time away from politics and started to take care of me. I’m always in the fray well more than I should but I need to be there in the front lines fighting for those in the minority not just the LGBTQ and trans communities. But I need to be more balanced. It is alright to take care of one self. We all need to take care of ourselves from time to time.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, Her, Hers
Trans Advocate
Hoosier 4 Trans Equality
www.hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
Anyways I have had surgeries that I hadn’t planned on having which I guess is practice for me to get me ready when I have the surgery that I mentioned above this paragraph. With each surgery I am learning how to recover not just physically but more importantly mentally. 1st I had my wisdom teeth removed which were killing me and I had to eat soft foods but that didn’t last. I slowly started eating like I love to but that was short-lived. I had my next surgery only 2 months after that surgery. I had suffered for way too long with some abdominal pain that my friends kept trying to encourage me to have it checked out and I didn’t because I was too afraid. Well the pain got too hard to bare that I finally gave in and threw in the towel and went right after work to the ER and finally got it checked out. I found out that I had gallstones and had to go on a very strict diet. Those that know me all too well know just how much I love my food. But my pain is what got me to eat a little healthy though a little cheating. I was scheduled to have it checked out a month after that appointment and my surgeon urged me to having surgery. With some prodding from him and without my friend who drove me to see him didn’t have to say anything to say let’s go for the surgery. Ever since that surgery it has been quite a struggle mentally more than physically. It feels ever since my gallbladder was surgically I was missing a little piece of me and I am not referring to my gallbladder. I lost some stuff at the hospital that were important to me. Over six years ago I experienced homelessness and that made possessions more important than most people. So, losing some possessions that I still have no clue where they went I went into despair. But I have been slowly replacing them and that has helped a little. Before any of my friends of mine started to moving away which anyone that knows me; my circle of friends means the world to me. I have more than a little trouble of saying goodbye and in fact it is my kryptonite one can say. It is hard letting go of those that I care about very much so. I am happy for their next adventure but at the very same time I am selfish and want to keep them close. I know that I will adjust but it takes some to heal those wounds. With all of this I have been dealing I need some TLC for me. Also the fact the world well America seems to be going all crazy and having all these mass shootings and having my liberal bubble: Bloomington, IN being invaded by the KKK and their whole recruiting here does more than a little scare me. They more than hate African Americans they hate the LGBTQ+ especially trans people such as myself. They are so violent towards those that they see that are not like them in any way shape or form. With all of the violence that has been happening like my trans family being murdered also has been contributing to me and my mental health not exactly being healthy. I took a little time away from politics and started to take care of me. I’m always in the fray well more than I should but I need to be there in the front lines fighting for those in the minority not just the LGBTQ and trans communities. But I need to be more balanced. It is alright to take care of one self. We all need to take care of ourselves from time to time.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
She, Her, Hers
Trans Advocate
Hoosier 4 Trans Equality
www.hoosiers4transequality.weebly.com
"THE RISE OF SARA"
Hi my name is Sara and I am a trans woman that is also a pansexuaI. I was born in Phoenix, Arizona in August 18, 1977. I was assigned male at birth. I was raised in a Christian Conservative house where I was taught how to live a traditional way of life. I knew early in life that I was a girl but knew my environment was not supportive. I have always been a girl and when referring to my childhood these days I refer that period as my "tomboy days". I was a tomboy that tried so very hard to be a boy. There were instances where that feminine girl that was deep within me that tried emerging on the scene. Like for instance at Christmas time I was encouraged to write a Christmas wishlist so I went through the catalog seeing what I wanted for Christmas. I so badly wanted toys like your average girl wanted in the 80s. I wanted My Little Ponies, Rainbow Bright, a baby doll with a stroller, Barbies and of course Barbie's Dreamhouse but knew I couldn't put that on my list because I would be told by my dad that those are for girls and not for boys. When I got older I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to wear nail polish, makeup, grow my hair out and wear dresses and high heels. I wanted a purse of my own but had to bury these feelings as I knew I would not be allowed. So I tried and burying these feelings of being a girl and tried very hard to be a male.For a very long time it worked. I found my escape to the male world. The one way that I could emulate being a boy was by playing sports. I loved sports and that was my escape. I never played on organized sports though I almost did. About 4th grade or 5th I tried out for the football team in the city league and was going to be a back up Tight End on offense and start on defense as a Middle Linebacker but I was easily convinced to quit the team by my mom. She mentioned that I could get paralyzed because kids my age were much bigger than me and that got me to quit. I was never met to be a boy. I make most trans girls jealous with my feminine height, small hands and girly legs and my skinny ankles.
" PROBLEMATIC HOLLYWOOD"
Recently a known actress Scarlet Johansson who I remind you is a cisgender woman who has been recently has been cast as a trans man role in movie known as Rub & Tug. As a trans person I find this incredibly problematic. I find it problematic because there are plenty of trans men out there that can easily play the role. Like Chaz Bono for instance he is a trans man but instead Scarlett is cast as a trans man. Who better to play a trans role who would know the trans narrative and carry our dialogue? A cisgender doesn't know our narrative or the kind of dialogue it takes to audiences to educate them about trans experiences. As a trans woman it sickens me to see cisgender men or even women get cast as a trans woman role being that makes people think that girls like me are simply playing dress up so they think that we are simply men wearing women's clothing. Being trans is more than presentation. Being trans is more than a feeling too. Since the news got out Scarlett pulled out of the role which is the right thing to do. Cisgender people playing trans roles makes it look like we choose to being trans. It would matter if we in the trans community could play cisgender roles in our affirmed gender.
"OH THE PLACES I HAVE GONE"
Now I know the title sounds a little familiar and yes it is "Dr. Seuss" inspired but with a trans perspective twist. I have been down so many paths and met so many people that I would have never thought I would even associate with and yes they are awesome people. This journey that I have been placed on since my coming out and transitioning has had many twists and turns that I could have never thought possible. I have had realized an aspiration that I would have never even considered that I wanted with all of my heart and soul and with such desire. I have a much clearer crystal picture of what my future looks like or quite possibly looks like. I have found out why I was placed on this blue marbel we call our world. I finish that I love to write and who would have thought that? Who would think that I would have the talent and passion in writing? Well I can tell you that I didn't see it in me and now I know it is me. That plan for my future that I revealed earlier is that I want to educate to the world what it looks like from one perspective from a trans person and what that looks like. I want to educate on a much bigger scale which for me that is on a movie screen. Yes I want to be a Hollywood Actress who specializes in trans roles. Yes I feel I can educate on the big screen what a trans person goes through because I have been through so much that it would rip a person's soul up and realize the pain that most of my community have experienced. A lot of my posts I have found inspiration in music which most can figure out is from Linkin Park. The Leader Singer is from The Late Chester Bennington. Him and I share very similar backgrounds. We were born in Phoenix, Arizona. We were both very different from the average student which lead to us both being bullied. We have both have pasts that we ran from but different reasons. Once upon a time I wanted to like him end it all because the mental pain was too painful.
But these days I have so much to live for. I realized recently that there is another dream I had put on the back burner because I didn't think it was plausible. But when I went to my 5th Bloomington Pride Summerfest I learned that just because I am a trans woman who is single and doesn't have a whole lot of money doesn't mean that I can't adopt a child or children. Those that I am close to know even more than me wanting to be an Actress that I want to be a mother more than life itself. I know that I would have to put someone ahead of me and that is more than alright. I want a child so badly that I would gladly sacrifice my own gain and happiness to complete that goal and that would even place them over my dream to become an Actress. Who knows I could possibly do both. We will have to see what the future holds for me. K?
But these days I have so much to live for. I realized recently that there is another dream I had put on the back burner because I didn't think it was plausible. But when I went to my 5th Bloomington Pride Summerfest I learned that just because I am a trans woman who is single and doesn't have a whole lot of money doesn't mean that I can't adopt a child or children. Those that I am close to know even more than me wanting to be an Actress that I want to be a mother more than life itself. I know that I would have to put someone ahead of me and that is more than alright. I want a child so badly that I would gladly sacrifice my own gain and happiness to complete that goal and that would even place them over my dream to become an Actress. Who knows I could possibly do both. We will have to see what the future holds for me. K?
"LOVE THY NEIGHBOR"
For those that have a church background you can tell that I am using a command that comes from Mark 12:28-31. I know not all are Christian and that is more than alright. Just bare with me where I am going and will get to the point real quick. Okay? Before me coming out as trans I didn't love myself so that led to me not following Love thy neighbor. Jesus was asked what was asked which is the greatest commandment and he responded with love thy Lord with all thy heart, soul, strength and mind. Another command is Love thy neighbor. So before coming out it was extremely hard to follow. If I can't love myself who I am truly then how can I love others and if I can't love others then I most certainly can't love God then. So in order for me to love others I had to accept myself as who I am deep from within. Since coming out I have learned how to love those that identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual,and of course those that are trans and pansexual since I am both trans and a pansexual. I also love those that are Muslim, and love latinos and African Americans more than ever. We are all human beings and deserve love, respect and dignity. We are so diverse in humanity and no one chooses to be who they are but one just can to choose to accept or not. So Jesus says those 2 command hinges on the rest of the commands. Ever since coming out I continue on learning to love me even with all of my faults and my differences with all of humanity. Those that are part of the Alt Right, 45 and his administration along with their followers can't love others because there is something about their own selves that they do not love. I know because once upon a time ago I was like them and now I am not. No one is suppose to be like others. There are vast amount of difference in humanity which is the spice of life.
"LIFE'S A SERIES OF DECISIONS"
Life is a series of decisions like this post states. For me the decision that I am referring is do I transition or not? How far do I go if I do in deed transition? If I do decide to transition what are my desired results am I looking for?
Now those decisions have been made long ago. I have been socially transitioning since June 6th 2013 and that was part time and August 4th 2013 is when I went full time. Recently I celebrated 3 yrs of hormones. Earlier in the year I celebrated having both my name and gender marker legally changed to reflect who I am truly. I am trying to work towards surgery as in GCS(Gender Confirmation Surgery.) Hormones made me more comfortable in who I am but I still need more to alleviate gender dysohoria. Gender dysphoria how I explain it is depression stemming from my discomfort from my birth sex and it not aligning with my gender identity. Gender identity for those who do not know what that is how one seems themselves rather that is male, female, some where in between, both or none. As in my case my gender identity is female and since I was assigned male at birth due to the inspection of the genetellia between my legs makes me a trans female. Transitioning is the best decision I have made. More and more I know deep within my heart that surgery is the way to go and the desire to have it great increases with each passing day. I have just to get all my ducks in a row. I need to get my insurance company and my surgeon to communicate so I can move forward. When I went to my appointment with my gynecologist or endocrinologist and asked him if he would recommend me for GCS(Gender Confirmation Surgery) and he said he would and asked his assistant to write that down so they can do remember to do that. I also need 2 letters one for surgery from a therapist and another from a psychologist so I can show that I really need the surgery and real bad. I also need a very specific letter from my gynecologist that also proves that I need the surgery desperately. So I have lots of work to still do and hopefully will have my surgery next summer of 2019.
Now those decisions have been made long ago. I have been socially transitioning since June 6th 2013 and that was part time and August 4th 2013 is when I went full time. Recently I celebrated 3 yrs of hormones. Earlier in the year I celebrated having both my name and gender marker legally changed to reflect who I am truly. I am trying to work towards surgery as in GCS(Gender Confirmation Surgery.) Hormones made me more comfortable in who I am but I still need more to alleviate gender dysohoria. Gender dysphoria how I explain it is depression stemming from my discomfort from my birth sex and it not aligning with my gender identity. Gender identity for those who do not know what that is how one seems themselves rather that is male, female, some where in between, both or none. As in my case my gender identity is female and since I was assigned male at birth due to the inspection of the genetellia between my legs makes me a trans female. Transitioning is the best decision I have made. More and more I know deep within my heart that surgery is the way to go and the desire to have it great increases with each passing day. I have just to get all my ducks in a row. I need to get my insurance company and my surgeon to communicate so I can move forward. When I went to my appointment with my gynecologist or endocrinologist and asked him if he would recommend me for GCS(Gender Confirmation Surgery) and he said he would and asked his assistant to write that down so they can do remember to do that. I also need 2 letters one for surgery from a therapist and another from a psychologist so I can show that I really need the surgery and real bad. I also need a very specific letter from my gynecologist that also proves that I need the surgery desperately. So I have lots of work to still do and hopefully will have my surgery next summer of 2019.
"JUDGEMENT WITHIN THE TRANS COMMUNITY"
The reason for this post is because this one trans woman that trolled my YouTube channel and left me this response to my latest video I posted. She referred me as a mentally challenged crossdresser with a fetish. This is the 2nd time that I got judged by a fellow trans woman. The 1st one was way back earlier in my transition and said I wasn't trans enough. Back then I was only my true self at my apartment before I had the courage to being my true self even in part time. You see back then I was afraid of who would see me being that it is hard to transition in a town where they knew you as this male that I tried being and all the sudden me living as a female scared me. So I finally put a stop to it. She got all tired of playing "cat and mouse." She would create an account and write a hate-filled response and I would report her and flag her commit and she would create an another account write another hate-filled response and repeat what I did before and since then I haven't heard from her again. I also made another video stating what happened without mentioning her name just in case she would flag another video which she did with all my videos and since then not another flagged video since then and they are now free to be viewed.
"GOING TO THE BMV WHILE BEING TRANS"
For most people going to the BMV it is just another thing to do. But imagine yourselves identifying as one gender but being seen as the sex one doesn't identify as. Then imagine yourself being told by the clerk that your old ID doesn't match who you say you are and that the way you are living goes against their religion or you have to jump through all their hoops just to get your new license. Well when the new policy is implemented in 2020 the whole "real ID" I feel is an attempt to get girls like me to go back into our little closets and be someone who we do not identify as. It is just another attempt by the old generation as a last ditch effort to get us to live our lives on their terms. I'm sorry but I do not need their permission to live my life how I see fit. I do not agree with their narrow interpretation of their religion. I do have a little thing called "Separation of Church" and "State and Freedom of religion and freedom from religion". It is their problem of not being secured in their salvation. Yeah they have the freedom to worship and live as they choose but their right is not there when it comes to how I live my life and infringe on my rights. How would they feel if I were to put a law onto the books that denied them to worship at all? Well that is how I feel when there is this constant feeling when they try and erase gender identity which comes along with being trans. They so badly want to make it illegal to one being trans and force everyone by law to their religion and I say how dare you. I go with the old adage "live and let live."
"FORCED TO LIVE A LIE OF A LIFE"
Looking at my life way before coming out and transitioning I see a life of torture. I grew up in a Christian Conservative family and that life taught to live one's life of conformity. Now that to me is an evil word, conformity. They taught me conformity in a subtle way which is completely evil if you ask me. Imagine as a little kid being taught about The Devil named Satan who goes around lying to people to go against God and if one does you would go straight to hell like forever as in an eternity being separated by God. Now when one is old enough they teach you that being gay is a choice and that if you choose that life you are an abomination to God that God more than hates you. If you never get forgiveness for an "alleged" sin one is deemed to the gates of hell with a complete separation from the one that created you, God. Now imagine you were told you're a boy and raised as such and identify as a female. Now imagine you are attracted to all gender identities. You according to your upbringing you are going to hell if you were to act on it according to that narrow way of thinking. You would be so scared that you would spend many years conforming how you were taught and now imagine hitting that wall after noticing how miserable, depressed and angry . Imagine you getting worse like so bad that you felt that you could never do that because there was a possibly of losing family and friends well most of them. You would feel so bad that you would want to end it all and then you realize after failing on your attempt of your life and that you would not want to ever feel that way ever again. You then would proceed like me and decide to transition and later on during your transition discover your sexual orienatation. Well that is me. I decided to transition and despite me losing most of my family I am at the happiest I have ever been and because me keeping most of my friends and even gaining more friends that my journey is successful.
"DEAR CIS PEOPLE"
For those that accept trans people such as myself first I like to say a huge thank you. Now it is hard for me to say this but there are somethings that you do need to understand. This post is what I have been noticing from those in the cisgender community that are allies to the trans community so I am going to try and say this delicately as possible, okay? But when I am telling those of my troubles I face almost on the daily basis I feel it is hard to understand my situation and that is quite alright, so bare with me please. Okay? I got to thinking when I was telling of my latest situation where I got deadnamed and I know most do not know how that feels or what deadnamed means in the first place. So dead name is calling me the name I was given when I was born and do not idenify with. Now I do not usually tell my dead name these days but this is one exception, k? The name that I was given was Gary and I heard it being yelled to me across the street while doing an errand. Being dead named does a number of things to me. First off I am in public presenting as myself which is usually me wearing a dress and I do have very noticable breasts. Calling me my dead name first invalidates me who I am and says either my feelings do not matter or that I do not exist in how I see myself. 2nd off it puts me into a possible extremely dangerous situation if someone were to see me and hear my dead name they could get extremely violent and assault me or rape me or worse murder me or even worse all the above. But it is so incredibly difficult for most to understand. When most people are 1st born they after being told they are a boy or girl to their mother from the doctor who delivered most are validated that very day and well I am not. I tried so very hard to be who the world and my doctor who delivered and more importantly my parents said that I am. The more I conformed to their viewpoint the more I became miserable, depressed and very angry I became. I knew from an early age what my gender identity was just without knowing how to voice it because I didn't know of the terminology like I do today. I didn't know the terminology because I was shielded from those my family deemed evil. Those that do not think like them look like them and didn't act like them they stayed away from and that was their expectation of me as well.
But nowadays I know the terminology though it is constantly evolving. Most think that sexual orientation and gender identity are one in the same or interchangeable but that is completely wrong. Sexual orientation is who you have an attraction to and gender identity is who you see yourself from within. I knew my gender identity at a young age and suppressed it knowing that I wasn't in an supportive environment. Society needs to be more accepting and though the younger generation is more accepting the older generation like as the ones above my generation are still spreading their vicious lies. Just do not buy into their lies. K?
But nowadays I know the terminology though it is constantly evolving. Most think that sexual orientation and gender identity are one in the same or interchangeable but that is completely wrong. Sexual orientation is who you have an attraction to and gender identity is who you see yourself from within. I knew my gender identity at a young age and suppressed it knowing that I wasn't in an supportive environment. Society needs to be more accepting and though the younger generation is more accepting the older generation like as the ones above my generation are still spreading their vicious lies. Just do not buy into their lies. K?
"COMING OUT MY FAMILY, MY CHOSEN FAMILY"
Today 39% of the LGBTQ population are rejected by their families and yes I am one of them. I was disowned by my family out of their Deuternonomy 22:5. He pulls that text completely out of context. It was meant to address crossdressing for prostituting themselves to a false god and not to be taken literally in our day. The Alt Right believes in the interpretating against anyone not behaving in the social constraint of which they constructed. They think that one's identity is through what "equipment" one has is what gender they have and that you should only act on your sexual desire of the sex opposite you are. They also say that one can't "choose" their gender identity because that is God's job and not ours. If you show them proof of your gender identity or your sexual orientation they will dismiss you. The only proof they want is out of their book of which they say is "God inspired." They fail to see that man wrote it and that no matter what God would want them to write about they have their own agenda just like we in society have today.
What I had to learn was this thing we in the progressive community is called Chosen Family. Chosen family is family that we get to choose unlike blood family. This whole thing that blood is thicker than water in my case is a pipe dream. At the drop of a hat when my blood family found out that I am trans and was going to transition all the way as in GCS (Gender Confirmation Surgery) they washed their hands of me. My dad in fact wrote me out his and my mom's Will and he went further. He told my landlord at that time that he had been helping me while in between jobs and outed me and told them I had someone staying with me that got me homeless of what was about 9 months or so. My chosen family helped me along the way. They showed me love and support like giving me a place to stay and the resources that I needed to get myself back on my feet. They also made their ears and shoulders available when needed. When I needed to simply talk they lent their ears for me to chew on and get my feelings out open in the air. They would even share their own experiences in response to show that I am not alone to help me. They would also allow me to cry on their shoulders just to get my emotions out whenever I needed to knowing that holding in my emotions would only hurt in the future. That is real love then my family's own "conditional love" or "tough love." That so-called love isn't love but indifference which is the opposite of love not hatred which is way much harder.
So if one has their family walk out on the remember especially out of religious beliefs 1st off they perverted their own religion and you are not a pervert. You do not need to conform to your own family's on how you should live your life. When I 1st started coming out and that to myself only I knew I was going to lose my family so I came out to those that were most likely to accept me and looking back that was a great idea because it setup my support which has become my chosen family. My chosen family has some blood family mixed in and my family which loves me for who I am are my allies and they are what makes my transition so successful. If one needs to get a hold of me I have some social media that you can catch me on. K?
Snapchat: outnproudtrans (Sara Ashley Cole)
Facebook: Sara Ashlee Cole
Facebook: hoosiers4transequality
Instagram: saraashleycole2018
email: [email protected]
Sincerely,
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Rights Advocate, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Pronouns: She, Her, Hers
What I had to learn was this thing we in the progressive community is called Chosen Family. Chosen family is family that we get to choose unlike blood family. This whole thing that blood is thicker than water in my case is a pipe dream. At the drop of a hat when my blood family found out that I am trans and was going to transition all the way as in GCS (Gender Confirmation Surgery) they washed their hands of me. My dad in fact wrote me out his and my mom's Will and he went further. He told my landlord at that time that he had been helping me while in between jobs and outed me and told them I had someone staying with me that got me homeless of what was about 9 months or so. My chosen family helped me along the way. They showed me love and support like giving me a place to stay and the resources that I needed to get myself back on my feet. They also made their ears and shoulders available when needed. When I needed to simply talk they lent their ears for me to chew on and get my feelings out open in the air. They would even share their own experiences in response to show that I am not alone to help me. They would also allow me to cry on their shoulders just to get my emotions out whenever I needed to knowing that holding in my emotions would only hurt in the future. That is real love then my family's own "conditional love" or "tough love." That so-called love isn't love but indifference which is the opposite of love not hatred which is way much harder.
So if one has their family walk out on the remember especially out of religious beliefs 1st off they perverted their own religion and you are not a pervert. You do not need to conform to your own family's on how you should live your life. When I 1st started coming out and that to myself only I knew I was going to lose my family so I came out to those that were most likely to accept me and looking back that was a great idea because it setup my support which has become my chosen family. My chosen family has some blood family mixed in and my family which loves me for who I am are my allies and they are what makes my transition so successful. If one needs to get a hold of me I have some social media that you can catch me on. K?
Snapchat: outnproudtrans (Sara Ashley Cole)
Facebook: Sara Ashlee Cole
Facebook: hoosiers4transequality
Instagram: saraashleycole2018
email: [email protected]
Sincerely,
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Rights Advocate, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Pronouns: She, Her, Hers
"BREAKING DOWN THE PATRIARCHY"
We in society need to break down the patriarchy. Why do you ask? First off the patriarchy is how fundamentalism Christians control society. Patriarchy is having men in control over women like a husband being in charge and where the women answer men and do what is asked of them. In turn children do as they are told by their parents which comes down from the father. Fundamentalistic Christians have held power over how society has control which should have never been that way in the 1st place. The ones that have the most to lose is white old Christian men and the rest have a whole lot to gain thought they can't see it. If patriarchy would cease to exist everyone would have equality all across the board.
Being LGBTQ, Queer Pansexual trans women I want to see the playing field leveled. Others would also been seen as equals everybody else but writing this post from a trans perspective. Being one that identifies as a woman I would be seen as equal to that of a man. Equality as a woman one that is trans, queer and LGBTQ who is also a feminist it is important to break down the patriarchy. The ability to the Christian Conservative oppression is the result they want which is why they protect the patriarchal society. Without the patriarchy there is no control over society.
Being LGBTQ, Queer Pansexual trans women I want to see the playing field leveled. Others would also been seen as equals everybody else but writing this post from a trans perspective. Being one that identifies as a woman I would be seen as equal to that of a man. Equality as a woman one that is trans, queer and LGBTQ who is also a feminist it is important to break down the patriarchy. The ability to the Christian Conservative oppression is the result they want which is why they protect the patriarchal society. Without the patriarchy there is no control over society.
BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER TRANSITIONING
Looking back during my transition journey my life started to crumble way back in 2012. I remember bragging to my then coworkers and my management staff that I knew myself better than anyone. Now I still can’t figure why I made such a bold statement but know that not much longer that my life started to slowly crumble. It was not much longer after making such a bold proclamation that I lost my job. I held the position, Crew Trainer at Burger King in the Indiana Memorial Union at Indiana University that I worked so hard to get there. It was before that I started to finally search for my true identity. I had always felt that something from deep within me was missing and that truly bothered me. At the time while I was employed there I read about a boy named Dyson online. He loved wearing things both pink and sparkly especially dresses. Though his story somewhat fit me he identifies as a boy who loves wearing dresses and the only part that I identified with is the love of wearing dresses. I started to imagine myself wearing dresses and how I would look. I was constantly seeing how I would I look in dresses by saving pictures of girls wearing dresses and copying and pasting my head over theirs to see how I would look. I then would buy my own dress, heels, makeup, and wigs and do what I had thought was crossdressing but not long afterwards I had noticed that I cross-dressed all my life when I tried being a man. I remember when I was out in public one day still in what is known as in "male mode". I was on my laptop under my current Facebook and had lots of fun listening to music while on Facebook in Starbucks. When I went home that time as soon as I got into my old apartment, the one that I lived before becoming homeless but that is another story for a different time. Anyways as soon as I had locked my apartment I yelled at top of my lungs and a short time later I cried when I uttered I want this gone and gone now referring to my equipment that only men & Pre Op Trans girls have. It was then I knew something was up. But it took me an failed attempt on my life that I knew the only thing that I do and that was to start living my life as an out and proud trans woman. But I knew what that would do for me. I knew within my heart that I was going to lose my family, their love and their support. I also worried what friends I would lose but found out that I lost very few of them. I lost not 1 but 2 jobs due to me and my gender identity. It hurts what I had to go through just to be me. Losing family, a place to call home, a car and 2 jobs simply crushed my spirit. My heart was smashed into a million pieces. To this day I have both separation anxiety and abandonment issues. I have anger issues due to what my parents especially my dad has both said and done to me. There were issues before coming out to my parents which was bad enough but coming out and being disowned cut to the very heart and soul of my being. Before me coming out to my family I had issues with self esteem and confidence. I didn’t have any self worth which stems from not having any self esteem. I would as a child get compared to my sister by my father and he would ask me why can’t I be like my sister and get grades like her when she received A’s and B’s but mostly A’s. I tried but didn’t know till I heard my brain was quite possibly occupied by constantly making sure that I conformed to everyone else with my assigned sex in the world. Now I hate that word "conformity". It was in my background when I grew up going to a Christian conservative church that I learned about the concept of conforming to what God wants for me to live my life. But all those years of conforming lead to me leading a self destructive life where I was miserable, depressed and angry.
But since my coming out and transitioning I am leading a much happier life though I still have issues to address but still there is a total difference of how I am compared to where I was before and earlier on in my transition. I have come a long way though I have a ways to go. Instead of comparing myself to other trans women I use myself as my own inspiration. Instead of comparing one self to others be your own inspiration is what I would advise those coming to know themselves as being trans. We all transition at different speeds and how we transition. If one chooses to not under go hormones or surgery or both you are still trans. There shouldn't be any judgment from within the trans community but just like other people there is still plenty of judgment. Don't let them get to you. Haters just wanna hate so don't join them be better than that. K?
But since my coming out and transitioning I am leading a much happier life though I still have issues to address but still there is a total difference of how I am compared to where I was before and earlier on in my transition. I have come a long way though I have a ways to go. Instead of comparing myself to other trans women I use myself as my own inspiration. Instead of comparing one self to others be your own inspiration is what I would advise those coming to know themselves as being trans. We all transition at different speeds and how we transition. If one chooses to not under go hormones or surgery or both you are still trans. There shouldn't be any judgment from within the trans community but just like other people there is still plenty of judgment. Don't let them get to you. Haters just wanna hate so don't join them be better than that. K?
"ALL THAT I AM"
All that I am is more than I'm a trans woman. I am more than I pansexual. I am a Liberal Socialist Democrat. I am a radical progressive Christ follower. I show radical love to those on the fringe of society to emulate the love that Christ showed towards the society in his day rejects. The reason why I show radical love is because of my transitioning. My transition to live my life as the female I had always known myself to be led me to show radical love. That love that I received from those whose hearts were open to me even those who didn't understand or know a girl like me is the example that I live by to this day. That love has lead me to be where I am at today in my transition. I am so very close to the end of my transition and it is because of that radical love I have received and continue receiving though I am not worthy of that so I pay it forward.
But there are those that do not agree with a girl like me. In fact they see me as a man trying to be a woman. Their opinions come from the narrow interpretation of the bible. It is because of a woman who by the way is both a lesbian that is anti trans. She is what I refer to as a Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist or TERF known as Janice Raymond. She says that men can't become women and that we are using our so-called "male priviledge" to shove our way into women only spaces. That we are claiming womanhood that we are not worthy of. Her book that she wrote called "The transsexualism Empire: The Making of the She-Male." Now that word 1st off in the trans community she-male is a slur which to many says that we are men trying to be women. Now we call the term, "TERF" a slur and that we are trying to shut them up and force everyone into feminine womanhood which is utterly false. I too want to break up the patriarchy just like her and smash it to a billion pieces. Just because I was assign male at birth because of my male equipment and my chromosomes doesn't make me less of a woman. Her book did a huge disgrace to my community and gave Conservative Christianity the ammunition that they use against me and my community. They in turn whip into many a furry that states that we are men trying to get into the bathroom and molest little girls and boys that are there with their mothers and rape their mothers which is completely false. It is because of women like Janice that we have violence and so our blood is on her hands and Christian Conservatives as well.
But there are those that do not agree with a girl like me. In fact they see me as a man trying to be a woman. Their opinions come from the narrow interpretation of the bible. It is because of a woman who by the way is both a lesbian that is anti trans. She is what I refer to as a Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist or TERF known as Janice Raymond. She says that men can't become women and that we are using our so-called "male priviledge" to shove our way into women only spaces. That we are claiming womanhood that we are not worthy of. Her book that she wrote called "The transsexualism Empire: The Making of the She-Male." Now that word 1st off in the trans community she-male is a slur which to many says that we are men trying to be women. Now we call the term, "TERF" a slur and that we are trying to shut them up and force everyone into feminine womanhood which is utterly false. I too want to break up the patriarchy just like her and smash it to a billion pieces. Just because I was assign male at birth because of my male equipment and my chromosomes doesn't make me less of a woman. Her book did a huge disgrace to my community and gave Conservative Christianity the ammunition that they use against me and my community. They in turn whip into many a furry that states that we are men trying to get into the bathroom and molest little girls and boys that are there with their mothers and rape their mothers which is completely false. It is because of women like Janice that we have violence and so our blood is on her hands and Christian Conservatives as well.
"3 YRs HRT: A look back @ My Journey, a look in sara's Perspective"
Well today officially marks 3 yrs I have been on HRT(Hormone Replacement Therapy). It has and still is quite a roller coaster ride. A journey that I am so very blessed to be on. I would not have made it this far if it were not for my love and support from all of you. Support is everything when on a journey that is as beautiful and unique as the one that I am on.
Now time to look back at where it all started. K? Before coming out to even to myself yet alone the world my old life it all startled to unravel. I once bragged to my coworkers back in the spring of 2012 that I know myself better than anyone. It was not long after that I lost my job and went a couple of months before I found work. Now before I lost my job I read an article online about this young boy named Dyson that loved wearing women's clothing. That got me to think how I would look in a dress. Now back in High school I once wore my mom's dresses, 2 of them that I still had no reason why they were in my closet as I didn't put them there. Anyways I would have pictures of me and save pictures of dresses and copy and paste them on me on my computer. I did this like forever as it took me like forever to get up the courage to muster up to even buy my own dress but after not crossdressing as I once thought it to be after 18 yrs I finally purchased a dress, a pair of heels and a wig and some makeup and I was still convinced that I was only a crossdresser. It took me another 6 months I do believe to come out to myself but even then I was trying to convince myself I wasn't trans. I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't trans because of the family I grew up in. I was born into a very Conservative and fundamentalism Christian family. I was in a very patriarchal kinda family where the male is in charge which of course was my dad. My dad is very much a traditionalist. He thinks that what one's sex is at birth can't be changed no matter how much surgery or hormones one takes will still be a man. I tried being a man which is why I tried everything in my power to be the man the world says that I am. But the more that I tried denying who I was the more depressed, angry and miserable I became.
But these days it feels gratifying being my real and authentic self Despite not having most of my family in my life I am so much happier. Being happier because I no longer have to hide my true self, feelings and being oppressed by the negative influences that once upon a time influenced my life. Each day that I get be the real me is a gift from life itself. Never be someone you aren't truly. Never ever live for someone else. Society is evolving daily and the old guard isn't happy. Misery loves company so do not joing them. Never sign your life away or your death warrant.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Now time to look back at where it all started. K? Before coming out to even to myself yet alone the world my old life it all startled to unravel. I once bragged to my coworkers back in the spring of 2012 that I know myself better than anyone. It was not long after that I lost my job and went a couple of months before I found work. Now before I lost my job I read an article online about this young boy named Dyson that loved wearing women's clothing. That got me to think how I would look in a dress. Now back in High school I once wore my mom's dresses, 2 of them that I still had no reason why they were in my closet as I didn't put them there. Anyways I would have pictures of me and save pictures of dresses and copy and paste them on me on my computer. I did this like forever as it took me like forever to get up the courage to muster up to even buy my own dress but after not crossdressing as I once thought it to be after 18 yrs I finally purchased a dress, a pair of heels and a wig and some makeup and I was still convinced that I was only a crossdresser. It took me another 6 months I do believe to come out to myself but even then I was trying to convince myself I wasn't trans. I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't trans because of the family I grew up in. I was born into a very Conservative and fundamentalism Christian family. I was in a very patriarchal kinda family where the male is in charge which of course was my dad. My dad is very much a traditionalist. He thinks that what one's sex is at birth can't be changed no matter how much surgery or hormones one takes will still be a man. I tried being a man which is why I tried everything in my power to be the man the world says that I am. But the more that I tried denying who I was the more depressed, angry and miserable I became.
But these days it feels gratifying being my real and authentic self Despite not having most of my family in my life I am so much happier. Being happier because I no longer have to hide my true self, feelings and being oppressed by the negative influences that once upon a time influenced my life. Each day that I get be the real me is a gift from life itself. Never be someone you aren't truly. Never ever live for someone else. Society is evolving daily and the old guard isn't happy. Misery loves company so do not joing them. Never sign your life away or your death warrant.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
"trans community a threat to end Christianity's control of society"
You may have noticed that there is a fight for trans rights and then you see the tug of war between 2 groups. One group is of course the trans community and the other side is the Christian Fundamentalists. You wonder why Christian Fundamentalists are working so very hard as to why they want to end the trans community. Let me take you on a little journey into their heads and see why. K? One reason why is they think that girls like me are a threat because they interpret us saying that God made a mistake. The very notion that they say that we say that God made a mistake takes the perfection of their so-called God to imperfection. They see that as blasphemy to even think that their God is not perfect. That is a slap in their face. To even suggest or to entertain that God is indeed not perfect that is an insult and undermines their credibility of their religion. They feel if they can't discriminate against girls like me that they are having their religious freedom violated. They have had control of society for generation after generation and they feel that if my community, our community, the trans community if we get our rights then that is the sign that their long time control over how society lives their life is over. That would be compare to the fall of Rome in modern era in their life time. They see it as an undercut of their control over society. They know that could signal the end of organized religion. I know that they think that they feel like they will be persecuted and not allowed to worship as they have for their entire lives. They feel like they would have to worship underground because I remember hearing sermons in my old church because they feel that way trust me. K? When I came out to my family my dad when he pulled the bible to show why I was wrong he opened it to Deuteronomy 22:5 and boy did he pull it out of context. They Christians the ones that are fundamentalists in general also pull out how God created male and female. So they are saying by that there is no in between and that we are who we are when we are born and that can't be changed. They pull out the whole DNA and Chromosome argument and say that no matter how many surgeries or hormones we take we are either still male or female. Like for me they still say that I am a man and not a woman but that is not true. They refuse to look at scientific facts and look towards their bibles for all their answers. They are putting hatred and bigotry on full display and wondering why people are leaving their brand of religion or religion all together behind. Maybe it has to do with how they hate and are bigots who are also hypocrites. They need to take a look at their mirrors and ask themselves what can we do to change people's opinions of us and our church. Like take a plank out of their own eye before judging me and my community perhaps.
So advice I have for anyone that isn't trans we are not saying that God made a mistake well not me anyways so before you judge us please take your time to get to know me or anyone that is trans. Now if you know anyone that just came out or recently as trans or at the very least questioning their gender identity please feel free to send the my way. The link to my Facebook page is https://www.facebook.com/sara.cole.18062533. You can also follow me on Twitter by going to this link.
So advice I have for anyone that isn't trans we are not saying that God made a mistake well not me anyways so before you judge us please take your time to get to know me or anyone that is trans. Now if you know anyone that just came out or recently as trans or at the very least questioning their gender identity please feel free to send the my way. The link to my Facebook page is https://www.facebook.com/sara.cole.18062533. You can also follow me on Twitter by going to this link.
- https://twitter.com/saraashleytrans. You can even go to my YouTube channel under the name Sara Ashley Cole. Thank you.
- Have a fab rest of your week and safe one if you live in Bloomington, IN where there is the Little 5 this weekend. K?
"tHE pROS AND CONS OF TRANSITIONING"
Sometimes it is hard for me to tell how good I have it. When going through the storms of life when it comes to me and my transition I can't see the good. I can't see the good being that I am too close to the situation till the storm is done and skies are wide open letting in the rays of sunshine. I had some good in my life before coming out and transitioning but if I had stayed tried being him then I would not have been alive to even type this. Yeah if I had tried being him I may still have my family in my life, have more money but I would have eventually ended my life. I was constantly thinking of ways I wanted to end my life. My life was so incredibly unstable. That last job that I held back in 2012 though I held a job I was thinking how I am going to lose my family due to me having to transitioning. Every time I saw girls walking around in their dresses, heels with some makeup and nail polish I was always thinking how I wanted to do the same. I wanted to be pretty and look pretty all the time.Back to that job that I held I was working at Burger King in a couple towns over from the town I live in Bloomington in Spencer a very conservative town. We would be busy and I was the only one in the kitchen making sandwiches and cooking and yet my mind was a million miles away. My gender dysphoria brought on depression so great that it made me extremely unbearable. Constantly thinking that I am going to have to transition and knowing my family is going to walk away me I thought I would never make it in this world without them. They had always been in my life and my life centered around them and my Christianity. Family was everything to me and losing them I could see no way out and also knowing I had to make a very hard decision to transition was killing me. Suicide was constantly on my mind and I also was a cutter. I had to control my pain and that was done to control my mental pain. But when my last suicide attempt failed I made a decision that I didn't want to go down that path so I decided I wanted to live. My mom has a friend who lost her son to suicide and I didn't want my family to lose me that way so I thought if I transition then I would spare them the pain of not only to suicide but coming out without being able to defend myself. Though they disowned me the other part that I felt that was going to happen I was going to lose my friends and that on the most part didn't happen.
Now on the flip side I don't have much money which causes me such great angst. I need to be able to take care of the basics and every break whether it is winter break, spring break or the break of no work in the summer for 6 weeks I constantly stress out not knowing I will make it or not. I seem to do better then expected but that still is hard. Something is always needing my attention that cost money and there is not enough to get it taken care of but even with that said I would rather go through what I have to go through because you see I am liberated and get to live life honestly and authentic.
In my old life I had to lie by omission not only to myself but to others. When I was being the old me I would be asked how I am doing and knowing that it was a lie but I would say alright. I couldn't muster up the courage and say not only I wasn't alright but why I wasn't. I had to keep even those closest to me at bay and at an arm's length away. I was so scared if anyone would get to know me too much that they might find out the truth.
So these days with me being free being me and being completely out though I maybe poor and struggling financially I am still me. Being liberated gave me my freedom to finally spread my big rainbow and trans colored butterfly wings and spread them. Spreading them without shame and with the boldness to hold my head up high keeps me going. Knowing that one day my transition will all be done. When my journey is all done I can look with great fondness and know I did it and well.
I will continue on the fight after it I take a little time off because though this journey is rewarding it is draining. This journey has really drained me mentally so taking a breather will feel good and do me a world of good. But afterwards I will jump right back in the frey and fight with all of my might and mentor the ones behind me and guide them the way that I once was helped along my journey. I will pay it forward as I have here and there but more later then I can right now.
If you know of anyone who is struggling with their gender identity or the family situation or even spiritually please feel free to send them my way. Here is the link to my Facebook... https://www.facebook.com/sara.cole.18062533. Take care and have a fab week. Looking forward to Pride this summer.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality, Trans Advocate
She, Her, Hers
Now on the flip side I don't have much money which causes me such great angst. I need to be able to take care of the basics and every break whether it is winter break, spring break or the break of no work in the summer for 6 weeks I constantly stress out not knowing I will make it or not. I seem to do better then expected but that still is hard. Something is always needing my attention that cost money and there is not enough to get it taken care of but even with that said I would rather go through what I have to go through because you see I am liberated and get to live life honestly and authentic.
In my old life I had to lie by omission not only to myself but to others. When I was being the old me I would be asked how I am doing and knowing that it was a lie but I would say alright. I couldn't muster up the courage and say not only I wasn't alright but why I wasn't. I had to keep even those closest to me at bay and at an arm's length away. I was so scared if anyone would get to know me too much that they might find out the truth.
So these days with me being free being me and being completely out though I maybe poor and struggling financially I am still me. Being liberated gave me my freedom to finally spread my big rainbow and trans colored butterfly wings and spread them. Spreading them without shame and with the boldness to hold my head up high keeps me going. Knowing that one day my transition will all be done. When my journey is all done I can look with great fondness and know I did it and well.
I will continue on the fight after it I take a little time off because though this journey is rewarding it is draining. This journey has really drained me mentally so taking a breather will feel good and do me a world of good. But afterwards I will jump right back in the frey and fight with all of my might and mentor the ones behind me and guide them the way that I once was helped along my journey. I will pay it forward as I have here and there but more later then I can right now.
If you know of anyone who is struggling with their gender identity or the family situation or even spiritually please feel free to send them my way. Here is the link to my Facebook... https://www.facebook.com/sara.cole.18062533. Take care and have a fab week. Looking forward to Pride this summer.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality, Trans Advocate
She, Her, Hers
"THE LIFE OF SARA COLE"
I was born in Phoenix, AZ on August 18 of 1977. When I was born I was assigned as male according to my external genitalia. I tried all of my life for the 1st 36 years to be the male I was told I was. I knew to be different was not taught. To be different was told to me that it wasn't wanted. Conformity was what I learned early on. But early in life I knew something about me was different and yet I didn't have the words to describe. I knew I was meant to be a girl but also at the same time I knew that my home environment that my dad was in charge. I knew he wanted me to be a traditional male and even more important he wanted me to be the chip of the old block, him. He wanted me to be like him and it started with me being named after him. My birth name or as I refer to it as my dead was Gary Lynn Coldiron, Jr. He taught me what being a man entails. He taught what he loved to do in his spare time which is the game of football. He gave me the love of sports that I still hold to this day. He taught me the rules of the game and the plays that the Quarterback ran and the details of each and every play. He taught me how to throw a football and to catch the ball while running a route. He even taught me how to throw a baseball and we played catch. When I got older he taught me how to fix a car and to this day I hated it. It didn't even hold my interest. He even taught me how to be a husband and a father and yet it never happened. I graduated from Highschool in 1997 from Edgewood in Ellettsville, IN. I took a couple years off and went straight to work. Then in 1999 in the fall I entered Ivy Tech Community College and majored in Accounting. I stayed in town after graduating in May 2003 with an Associate of Applied Science in Accounting but the competition was a little competive and plus I didn't know how to apply for professional jobs. I needed a license to show I can apply what I learned. I went back to school again at Ivy Tech Community and this time I majored in Office Administration with a concentration in Medical. So I started that degree in 2010 and completed it in 2011 and didn't learn like the last time that I needed a license to prove what I learned so I have worked a string of deadend jobs.So anyways I did anything I can possibly think of to being a man. As I continued on growing I kept forcing myself to be a man. I surrounded myself with those who I went to church with and tried being a Chrisitian especially after getting baptized. In fact I can still tell you when I was baptized. It was the day after my sister got married. I was baptized on April 29, 2001. I had a Church of Christ background. They taught against being gay. I thought deep down I would go straight to hell for who I was. I was very involved in youth group and when high school was done I would join the college group. So desperate to conform I surrounded myself with those that I had been involved hoping I would be able to conform to their way of life. After college if I could I would go to the Men's breakfast hoping to conform. I feared of losing all that I had. I feared in losing my friends and family. I thought I wouldn't choose the LGBTQ+ kinda life and be straight and cisgender. Back in my last year of working at Indiana Memorial Union for Burger King is when my life started to fall apart. It was when I saw an article online about a child who was non conforming and he loved wearing dresses I started wondering how I would look like in dresses. Now I hadn't mentioned before but back in my junior year in High School I remember seeing these 2 dresses in my closet that were my mom's and still confused why they were in my closet as I didn't put them there but just the same I remember this one time. I closed and locked my door to my bedroom and took off my boy clothes and put on each dress one at a time on but did that just one time fearing that my dad would find out and fear was the reason that I never did that again until that one article left me curious. One day I went to the store and bought my own dress and some heels and would wear them but only at home. I then bought makeup and wig and still would do this but only at home. For less than a year I would do this and identify as a crossdresser. I finally built the courage enough to come out to myself as a trans woman. It wasn't until the next year that me and my dad talked and it was because of a conversation I had with my mom. I was over at their house to see their cat who was close to dying and my mom asked me how was my job search and told her I wasn't looking real hard and some how after here the details get a little hairy for me. I remember asking if I was doing something that I would be punished by God and told her that I couldn't explain. It was from that Thursday to that Saturday that my mom and dad talked. My dad asked me if I thought I was a woman trapped in the wrong body and I couldn't even face him or even verbally answer. I did however answer non verbally and nodded yes then I cried. He that 1st weekend acted totally the opposite then I expected and I remember before leaving for home my dad asked me if I still liked girls and I said yes. He replied good we can still save you. It took that moment to next Saturday for what I knew at that time and that I was a lesbian. He told me that if I was going to be his lesbian daughter then you got another thing coming. He started to act like I figured he would and it got much worse. He told me that if I didn't change my mind then I wouldn't have them as parents. He followed through and I was officially disowned as in starting the process of being written out of the family Will October 1, 2013. The last time I had seen them was around my birthday 2013 in August when they took me out. The last time I saw my nieces and nephews, my sister and my parents all together was my Brother-in-Law's birthday which I believe is July 20, 2013. I was a complete mess as I knew that was more than likely the last time I would see them and yes it was. Family was everything to me. My parents would assist me whenever I was in between jobs and yes I was unemployed and one last attempt before coming out my dad said I had to cut my hair in order for them to continue getting financial help. I didn't want to tell why I didn't want to cut my hair but relented and did. Those that had seen my last boy picture I was pissed and you know why. I decided to piss him off too and put my hair back then into a Baby Hawk and yes it worked. But that was me back then. I have had my hair trimmed as in cutting off the split ends. It is really long now but still needing the much smaller bald spots worked on so I can stop wearing wigs. I am however looking into toppers for my hair that I can blend in with my actual hair till I can still be some what satisfied. I still go to church but a progressive one but since then I have become an Atheist. I became an Atheist after the election of Donald J. Trump. I still say if there is a God then why is Trump president. There isn't a God because Trump is president. I try to reconcile my faith but every time it looks like it will happen something bad happens and so my being an Atheist continues. Seeing all those so-called Christians take their hatred in tow to the polls showed to me that there is no God. My own parents voted to erase my identity because I know in my heart they voted for Trump. They believe that he will erase trans people, LGBTQ+, Queer people from society and that more than hurts. They went to the polls to cancel out my vote. One other thing my dad asked me is if I am for as he puts it gay marriage and I said of course. He looked so angry that he wanted to hit the roof. He blames me and my so-called kind for America having Marriage Equality and that America will be like Sodom and Gomorrah. His kind thinks that Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed because of gays which he has been brainwashed into believing. I was once upon a time brainwashed the same but woke up and released that I was lied to.That lying and the other lies they told me and Church of Christ and others like them make it hard to not be an Atheist. Their bible which I believe to be a fairytale like in Romans 14:13. It states: Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister. So if that is really true then they are falling short of the so-called glory of God if you believe in God. They fail to live by Matthew 7:1 which states :Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. So why would I want to worship or believe in their God. They are a bunch of hyprocrites. They even fail on Matthew 25:34-40. Which states: “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ At least the progressive church that I go to though I am an Atheist helps the poor. They practice what they preach. My parents church may serve one hot meal a month to the poor and homeless but my church has 2 nights a week for a whole homeless winter volunteer their time in the shelter that gives the homeless a place to sleep and even serve them food. They act like the Jesus I have been taught about but their kind bearly lifts a finger. They do it to serve themselves. They want to be able to sleep at night thinking they did their part. Well big stinking deal. Their attitudes need to change. I remember being homeless for close to 9 months and it is because of my church community that I have a place to call home and a job. I maybe still poor but I can function on my own. Because of my supportive church community I have been on hormones which will be 3 months come April 22. My transition is almost complete and it is because they truly show love. They do not judge me. They accept me as I am. But not enough churches like them exist enough or raise enough money to help justice. Fundamentalists have deep pockets to keep people like me oppressed. Their hatred is heard throughout the land of not only America but the world. I know that Janice Raymond, Germaine Greer started the misinformation but the church the fundamentalists kind use that misinformation in continuing where they started. One famous Fundamentalist Dr. James Dobson whom I am well aware of and know encourages Fathers to go get their guns and follow someone going into the "wrong bathroom." He is literally encouraging men to into the women's restroom if they see a girl like me going into the restroom and murder us. Now how is that is that love? Hmm... Now you got a pretty good idea why I am an Atheist. We need to show that we are really who we say we are and not harming anyone by simply being ourselves. Thank you.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
She, Her, Hers
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ At least the progressive church that I go to though I am an Atheist helps the poor. They practice what they preach. My parents church may serve one hot meal a month to the poor and homeless but my church has 2 nights a week for a whole homeless winter volunteer their time in the shelter that gives the homeless a place to sleep and even serve them food. They act like the Jesus I have been taught about but their kind bearly lifts a finger. They do it to serve themselves. They want to be able to sleep at night thinking they did their part. Well big stinking deal. Their attitudes need to change. I remember being homeless for close to 9 months and it is because of my church community that I have a place to call home and a job. I maybe still poor but I can function on my own. Because of my supportive church community I have been on hormones which will be 3 months come April 22. My transition is almost complete and it is because they truly show love. They do not judge me. They accept me as I am. But not enough churches like them exist enough or raise enough money to help justice. Fundamentalists have deep pockets to keep people like me oppressed. Their hatred is heard throughout the land of not only America but the world. I know that Janice Raymond, Germaine Greer started the misinformation but the church the fundamentalists kind use that misinformation in continuing where they started. One famous Fundamentalist Dr. James Dobson whom I am well aware of and know encourages Fathers to go get their guns and follow someone going into the "wrong bathroom." He is literally encouraging men to into the women's restroom if they see a girl like me going into the restroom and murder us. Now how is that is that love? Hmm... Now you got a pretty good idea why I am an Atheist. We need to show that we are really who we say we are and not harming anyone by simply being ourselves. Thank you.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
She, Her, Hers
930 Days=31 Months of HRT
"FOUNDATION PROBLEMS 4 TRANS COMMUNITY"
Like you I keep on wondering when our rights will come. But the problem stems from when our forefathers started the United States of America. If you take a look at our US constitution the 1st admentment is all about religion. Like most religion seems to be the most important right to the majority. The majority in some faction has some religious training. Most grew up in a religious background. Our forefathers were forced to a certain religion, The Church of England so when they pilgrimaged to the land we know as America they established the 1st amendment in our US constitution pertaining to religion and that is where our problems stem from. Most religions teach that being gay is a choice and that it is an abomination and if one doesn't stray from that kind of life and ask for forgiveness then that person is deemed for the gates of hell. Now I know that you are asking how does this pertain to we the trans community. They teach sexual orientation is the same or interchangable to gender identity. They teach about Sodom and Gomorrah and how God destroyed them because of people being gay and I know they take it way out of context. They fear that God will do the same against America because a lot of people accept someone's sexual orienation and fear that God will strike us down or smite us for that very thing. They teach that one chooses to being gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual or being trans and that is how I used to think. But like them I was once brainwashed and they still brainwash people to live their way. Being straight is manufactured straight from the fundamentalistic factory. That is why we need to take down the patriarchal society brick by brick. They the fundamentalists created the social norms and they need to go away. But everytime we try to receive rights it seems religion always get in the way of progress. Well anyways it is an uphill battle with amendment 1 but some teeth have been added by unforunately by President Clinton back in 1993 when he signed RFRA which was written by Chuch Schumer a Congressman out of New York which surprises me being that they are both Democrats. So it is an extremely uphill battle to overcome. The Alt Right use that monumental mistake by Clinton and Schumer to their advantage to legally discriminate my trans community under the guise of relgious and the protection of women and children and "Traditional families. It is imperative that we fight aggressively to make our voices heard and that we do indeed matter. We need to show up in groves to the polls and show them we will stop at nothing to negate their bigotry and closedmindness and that we will win back our rights and move forward.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Advocate, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Advocate, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"TDOR 2017"
Now this is from my own perspective as I do not speak for all. So here it goes. This year TDOR as those who are not apart of the trans community and have no clue what TDOR is well let me tell you. It stands for Trans Day of Remembrance. It is day for us who are trans and our allies where we remember of those that we have lost in the last year. Each year it gets harder for me personally because violence towards anyone that is outside the gender norms and plus with it being the holiday season it is extremely difficult. From someone who has no family well except 3, one cousin in Northern Indiana and one cousin in Arizona and one uncle in New Jersey who like me is apart of the LGBTQ+ community who love me exactly who I am. The holidays are for families and well I am mostly without and TDOR really hits home for me. With each passing year I am not sure if I will be on next year's or not. I am not guaranteed tomorrow or any other day and with me being trans the chances of me surviving are really slim. With the growing exposure to people like me there is growing hatred with one being trans. The hatred of my community, the trans community mostly stands from Christian Conservative fundamentalists who teach that we chose to live this way and that we are an abomination and if we do not repent then we are going straight to hell. They are rushing us to hell because they are uncomfortable being around girls like me. They are afraid that America will become the next Sodom and Gomorrah because they teach that accepting those that are LGBTQ+ will get what they got. They teach that completely out of context if one reads the bible with an open heart and mind. They are the very reason why I am an Atheist. Religion is suppose to be about love and I see anything but love. I see pure utter hatred. They have a black heart and soul to match. They hate what they do not understand. With that hate in tow they do what they claim for the Lord which is murder us. They use the old Testament which says to stone us and bring it forward into modern times. Bringing into modern times includes the use of firearms, knives, and their fists. With rage they are escalating the violence that is bestowed upon our community. We face disproportionate systematic discrimination in every facet we can possibly face. We are more than likely to not be employed or underemployed. We are monetarily strapped as we are way under the poverty level. We can be evicted from our homes for who we are in the name of religion thanks in part to 45. Those who do not find work have to earn their money through either prostitution or drug dealing which leads us to going through incarceration. We go to the sex that we are assigned at birth instead of our gender identity. We experience being raped to "teach" us to not being trans. Worse we experience homelessness and not survive the streets which of course is the murder of my community. For most we experience being rejected by family and friends.
Well for me most of my family disowned me out of religious reasons and I am lucky when it comes to friends as I lost very little which I am ever so grateful for. I spent about 9 months or so and so lucky I survived the streets. I experienced threats of being murdered, assault and a man tried to give him sexual favor. I have experienced men attempting but not being successful in rape attempts which is still very scary. I have lost not one but 2 jobs due to my gender identity. I was evicted from an apartment because of my gender identity which lead me to being homeless. While homeless less than a week I had my car stolen by a homeless woman who acted as though she befriended me and her boyfriend and luckily I am still alive. I had a sexual assault charge on a homeless man when he forced his way of sitting next to me and scooted me closer to him and touched my butt in the process. If that wasn't enough he ran his leg up my dress and luckily he didn't rub me in the lower southern region because if he had he would have found something extra and I could have been murdered and use the trans panic defense. So I know I am so very fortunate unlike my trans community that have lost their lives and I am still around. It is because I have a regular job that gives me a regular schedule and I have housing and my job allows me to use insurance they provide that allowed me to do HRT. I am so thankful that I have had both my name and gender marker legally changed and working through the steps to have my Gender Confirmation Surgery which I hope is sometime next year. But who knows if I can complete it with the violence upon my community increasing with each passing year? But with what I learned from the streets I protect and prevent my murder from happening.
Last off I am so thankful that I have a place to go for Thanksgiving and will not be celebrating it at Denny's thanks to a high school friend of mine. So thank you Kate Reagan.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Well for me most of my family disowned me out of religious reasons and I am lucky when it comes to friends as I lost very little which I am ever so grateful for. I spent about 9 months or so and so lucky I survived the streets. I experienced threats of being murdered, assault and a man tried to give him sexual favor. I have experienced men attempting but not being successful in rape attempts which is still very scary. I have lost not one but 2 jobs due to my gender identity. I was evicted from an apartment because of my gender identity which lead me to being homeless. While homeless less than a week I had my car stolen by a homeless woman who acted as though she befriended me and her boyfriend and luckily I am still alive. I had a sexual assault charge on a homeless man when he forced his way of sitting next to me and scooted me closer to him and touched my butt in the process. If that wasn't enough he ran his leg up my dress and luckily he didn't rub me in the lower southern region because if he had he would have found something extra and I could have been murdered and use the trans panic defense. So I know I am so very fortunate unlike my trans community that have lost their lives and I am still around. It is because I have a regular job that gives me a regular schedule and I have housing and my job allows me to use insurance they provide that allowed me to do HRT. I am so thankful that I have had both my name and gender marker legally changed and working through the steps to have my Gender Confirmation Surgery which I hope is sometime next year. But who knows if I can complete it with the violence upon my community increasing with each passing year? But with what I learned from the streets I protect and prevent my murder from happening.
Last off I am so thankful that I have a place to go for Thanksgiving and will not be celebrating it at Denny's thanks to a high school friend of mine. So thank you Kate Reagan.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"THE YEARS SPENT IN THE BRO CLOSET"
Ever since I was born in August 18th of 1977 I had been trying to be a male till June 6th of 2013. So I spent 36 years of my life trying so hard to be the man that the world said I was. I tried everything possibly to be one all because I wanted what everyone wants to feel safe, loved and accepted for who I was and that was what I wanted from my family. My parents raised me not only in a Christian Fundamentalist Conservative house but also in a patriarchal one. I grew up having my father being the head of the house where my mom was under my father and me and my sister under them. I was taught that being gay was not only a choice but going against God and never was taught or head about trans people or any other sexual orientations. I lived a sheltered life so I only knew one way. I tried to be who my parents said I was because I knew that I had to do this in order to protect myself. I knew my environment was not safe for those who are not apart of the societal norm. It took me 36 years to finally be honest with myself maybe not completely but closer at least. Coming out as trans at the age of 36 to my parents felt scary but it started to liberate myself from their oppression. I finally gave myself the chance to live freely as who I am. I needed to learn how to take care of myself and I knew that because I knew they were going to disown me for transitioning. Transitioning went against what their religion taught me. They see gender identity as the same thing as sexual orientation. They have been brainwashed to their beliefs and I was till I came out. Finally being free from their kind of religion is like I couldn't breathe until then. Living as the female that I have been all along allows me to finally breathe. Breathing a sigh of relief is what I had long for quite awhile and now doing just that I am free from my oppression. Flapping my big beautiful butterfly wings and no longer being that caterpillar. Being free I am no longer a prisoner of my mind. Having no constraint to keep me from living my own life by my terms is like a breathe of fresh air. Before coming out I had to check myself and make sure I was not behaving like a female because the world saw me as a male. Before then I had to wear male clothes go by a male name and of course male pronouns. I had to do whatever I had to do in order to survive day to day. Living a female life I have to watch my environment and constantly judge those around me not knowing if they would betray me. Like pruning a bush I have to prune those around me. There is times where I have to cut those around me out of my life in order for my transition be a success. Having those that I can have both emotional and physical support from is imperative. If there is even one negative person around that can be enough to have a negative transition. I have to think what is best for me because at the end of the day I have to take care of myself and myself alone. You can only trust those to close to you but so only some much. There is going to be ups and then there is going to be some downs too. So be prepared.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"TUG O WAR TRANS V. ALT RIGHT"
The agenda of the alt right is to make everyone be cis hetero normative is clear. They believe that being trans and gay are not only the same thing but that they are a chosen lifestyle. Most of the Alt Right claim the moniker, Christian. They believe that God established a patriarchal society where men are in charge and that women are under them. They believe in the traditional marriage and that the definition of marriage is between one man and one woman. They believe that people like me that if God wanted me to be a woman then I would be born a woman and that trans men are women and if God wanted them to be a man then they would born a man. They also believe that naturally everyone is straight which they claim that God designed everyone to be. Not all trans people are gay, lesbian, bisexual or pansexual. Sexual orientation is not the same as gender identity so they are not interchangable terms. I didn't choose to be trans I was simply born this way. For 36 years I tried being the person that everyone thought I was. I tried being a man and tried every which way to be just that. I went to men's bible study. I read the bible cover to cover. I hung around Christians and even Conservatives. I tried doing what is considered men's activities. I hung around men trying to emulate and be just like them. I tried praying to God and have help remove these feelings of being a woman but nothing worked. No matter what I did or how hard I tried not being a woman I remained a woman with male equipment. I even when I came out as both trans and lesbian realized that I was still trying to fit the standard of being normal. Even when I came out as bisexual it was to hide one part of me depending how society around me saw me and yet I too realized that wasn't me either. I then came out as straight and of course trying to still fit the norm. But when I started to be honest to myself I realized that I am a pansexual. I am attracted to all gender identities or an easier way for others to understand better it is about hearts not parts. It doesn't matter if it is a man or woman who is cisgender or trans or androgynous or intersexed. It is about the person. Now initially I am attracted to a person by their looks but it becomes about the spiritual connection. Like any good relationship it starts with a friendship and turns into something more and great. I would become longing to be around them more and more and it is because it started as a friendship. Communication is important in any relationship especially romantically. Simply wanting to be around that special someone is what happens in any good relationship. Wanting to share time with that person and it doesn't matter what one is doing as long as it is with that person. Having that special connection where one can finish each other's sentences and thinking as one you know that one is in a good relationship. Now every relationship hits a snag and that is alright as long as both talk it out.
But anyways the Alt Right wants everyone to not explore who they are eternally. They want you to surround yourself with those like them. Religion is a control mechanism to control people out in society to live their life how they want it to be. They use scripture that fits their wants and can twist it anyway they want to help manipulate what they want the end result. They use guilt as another weapon to help get someone back to how they see they should live their life. They use girls like me as weapons. They spread misinformation about girls like me. They say that I am only pretending to be a woman so I can gain entrance into women's restrooms and rape women and molest little girls. They say that I am trying to get rid of traditional families and that I am a danger unto them. They say that I am trying to trick men into sleeping with me. They say that I am really gay or that I am delusional. They claim that they do not hate me but in fact that they love me. They say that they do not want me to perish into eternal darkness. They say that I should see a Christian Therapist so I can go through Conversion Therapy so I can be that Straight Cisgender Conservative man that I once tried being. But conversion therapy they use a slew of torture methods like shock therapy, forcing those to watch gay porn and attach an electronic device to the gonads and if one has sexual arousal then they would receive a shock. Once one appears to be converted back before being released they are told that if those feelings return to cut yourself. Now that doesn't sound like they are convinced that it is a choice. Hmmm. Trying to change one's gender identity and sexual orientation is not only cruel it is inconceivable. Trying to change someone into someone they are not not is not even remotely possible. Now who is the one that is delusional? Not me. I was once delusional thinking that I could change who I was but no longer. I accept myself on who I am. There is no shame in who I am. Trying to deny one's identity is what almost did me in. Before accepting myself and being on hormones I was constantly thinking of either self harming or worse thinking of attempting suicide. But since being on hormones and living my truth I love life. Though I go through the bad when transitioning I still continue to push forward. I use the bad to further pushing myself forward. Determination is my greatest strength besides my support that I get from both my friends and support groups. Knowing that I have my own cheering section is what drives me to continue on with my transition. They are the wings beneath my wings. Just knowing that I have those that encourage and build me up is what makes my transition journey successful. If I didn't have them I am not sure how long I would have made it. If I didn't have them I would have been successful in my attempt on my life. I wouldn't be here to share my journey with those who have been transitioning after me. Coming out and transitioning have been my greatest moments in my life. No matter what obstacle gets in my way I continue striving for my goals in what I want out of my transition. If I can do it then you can. It has been quite a journey and I have had some set backs but I am still moving forward. I simply love life and love myself but most importantly my friends. Love you all so very much. Writing these blogs may help me just getting things off my chest but it also helps me because writing is therapeutic. Helping others is the greatest thing I could ever do in life. I have always loved helping especially the marginalized. We are in this together. As Hillary Clinton has stated: "We are stronger together." Working together to help each other there is nothing that can stop us. If you need to write me and talk with me you can email me at [email protected] or follow this link to my personal Facebook page. https://www.facebook.com/sara.cole.18062533. Feel free to message me here or add me as a friend on here. Thank you!!!
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
But anyways the Alt Right wants everyone to not explore who they are eternally. They want you to surround yourself with those like them. Religion is a control mechanism to control people out in society to live their life how they want it to be. They use scripture that fits their wants and can twist it anyway they want to help manipulate what they want the end result. They use guilt as another weapon to help get someone back to how they see they should live their life. They use girls like me as weapons. They spread misinformation about girls like me. They say that I am only pretending to be a woman so I can gain entrance into women's restrooms and rape women and molest little girls. They say that I am trying to get rid of traditional families and that I am a danger unto them. They say that I am trying to trick men into sleeping with me. They say that I am really gay or that I am delusional. They claim that they do not hate me but in fact that they love me. They say that they do not want me to perish into eternal darkness. They say that I should see a Christian Therapist so I can go through Conversion Therapy so I can be that Straight Cisgender Conservative man that I once tried being. But conversion therapy they use a slew of torture methods like shock therapy, forcing those to watch gay porn and attach an electronic device to the gonads and if one has sexual arousal then they would receive a shock. Once one appears to be converted back before being released they are told that if those feelings return to cut yourself. Now that doesn't sound like they are convinced that it is a choice. Hmmm. Trying to change one's gender identity and sexual orientation is not only cruel it is inconceivable. Trying to change someone into someone they are not not is not even remotely possible. Now who is the one that is delusional? Not me. I was once delusional thinking that I could change who I was but no longer. I accept myself on who I am. There is no shame in who I am. Trying to deny one's identity is what almost did me in. Before accepting myself and being on hormones I was constantly thinking of either self harming or worse thinking of attempting suicide. But since being on hormones and living my truth I love life. Though I go through the bad when transitioning I still continue to push forward. I use the bad to further pushing myself forward. Determination is my greatest strength besides my support that I get from both my friends and support groups. Knowing that I have my own cheering section is what drives me to continue on with my transition. They are the wings beneath my wings. Just knowing that I have those that encourage and build me up is what makes my transition journey successful. If I didn't have them I am not sure how long I would have made it. If I didn't have them I would have been successful in my attempt on my life. I wouldn't be here to share my journey with those who have been transitioning after me. Coming out and transitioning have been my greatest moments in my life. No matter what obstacle gets in my way I continue striving for my goals in what I want out of my transition. If I can do it then you can. It has been quite a journey and I have had some set backs but I am still moving forward. I simply love life and love myself but most importantly my friends. Love you all so very much. Writing these blogs may help me just getting things off my chest but it also helps me because writing is therapeutic. Helping others is the greatest thing I could ever do in life. I have always loved helping especially the marginalized. We are in this together. As Hillary Clinton has stated: "We are stronger together." Working together to help each other there is nothing that can stop us. If you need to write me and talk with me you can email me at [email protected] or follow this link to my personal Facebook page. https://www.facebook.com/sara.cole.18062533. Feel free to message me here or add me as a friend on here. Thank you!!!
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
" PRESSURE TO CONFORM"
In today's society the pressure to conform is more than ever before. The Alt Right have made it plainly clear that one needs to conform with the majority. From the trans perspective conforming is not the answer. I tried to conform to the majority but that does more damage then it helps. They clearly want "Corrective Therapy" which has been proven that it leads to suicide. Corrective therapy shames one that being different is not the way to go. We are being pressured into going back to our closet and it is outright war. I do not know about you but I am taking my stand. I am saying no and will not go away. I didn't come out of my closet to go back in. I am here and I am queer and I am not going away. I was born this way and there is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to correct. I am beautiful just the way that I am. I am an out and proud Pansexual, Queer Trans woman. Now let's call them exactly what those Christians really are, they are modern day Pharisees. They think that everyone should be just like them. They hold people to a standard that is impossible of living. They are spouting out that there is no thing called Separation of Church and State and that it is a lie from people just like me. They are attacking anyone that identifies as a Democrat and to them I am worse. I am an out and proud Socialist Democrat. They want to impose on our nation which they claim is by that saying 45 used in his election campaigne, "Make America Great Again." Well let's get this straight America has never been great. America was established by our ancestors when they murdered the Native Americans. America was built on the backs of the Latino Communities for little or no pay. Conformity comes from the business sector which most are Christian and Conservative and their goal is to wipe the business world free of us women and yes that includes both cisgender and trans women from leadership positions and ones that lead to those very positions. They do not value women at all. They see us less than and we are just as smart as them and just as capable. In the business world they are teaching women to be taken seriously you got to wear pants. You see masculinity is taught that is the only one that matters and being feminine is seen as weak. They want women to if at least to work "women jobs" or even more to stay at home and clean home, take care of the home, rearing children and be barefoot and pregnant and waiting on their man hand and foot. That is why they are against the LGBTQ+, Queer, and trans communities. They see our communities as destructive to the so-called traditional family. They want everyone to have 2.5 children, a mom and dad and the white picket fence kinda dream. But I am sorry but that is so not me. I can't deny who I am. I am a proud LGBTQ+, Queer and trans woman who is a Democrat who is a Socialist. I am an Atheist because of people like them. I can't believe in their God or the bible. To me believing is silly and childish. It is just like believing in Santa Clause. I grew up and see religion for what it truly is. I have seen the light and that it is a control mechanism to have people be who they see and say they are. I am sorry but they can't control me. I am an individual. I am not like anyone else and that is just fine for me. Lately I have used this metaphor. When I was younger I loved Vanilla ice cream but grew up and learned more flavors. Their side needs to grow up and realize that there is a sexual orientation that is a spectrum. Some are straight and some are gay or lesbian but most lie somewhere in the middle. There is a spectrum in gender identity as well. One can be masculine or feminine or somewhere in the middle or neither or even both. Gender identity is not the same as sexual orientation and they are not interchangable. Gender identity is how someone internally sees themselve and sexual orientation is who you would go to bed with. I was raised in a Christian Conservative where fundamentalism was taught to me. I used to think just like them but I lived a sheltered life. I never knew gay or lesbian people except from TV or my one gay Uncle. I didn't know any trans people so I hated people who identified as such. Ever since I was young I have been wired very feminine. My emotions were not your typical male. I cried very easily. I wear my emotions on my sleeves. I have never been able to control my emotions. Feminity comes so naturally to me and never knew why. Even when I identified as a Crossdresser it felt right and natural to me even while in denial in who I was truly. Coming out as trans to myself is when I finally allowed myself to discover who I was. It took quite awhile to see what my sexual orientation because even being out as trans I was still trying hard to be like who I was trying to be as far as sexual orientation wise. Even if my gender identity was being ignored or dismissed knowing that I like women they would see me as a confused but straight male. Or if they saw me as a women but liking men that I would fit into the straight world. Now as far as identifying as bisexual they could see me as straight depending if they saw me as a male or female and could hide the other part of me. Now allowing myself to identify as a Pansexual Trans woman I am finally allowing myself to be all the way out. I am not a part of the cisnormative world and that is more than alright. I am beautiful just the way that I am. I was born this way and proud of who I have and continue on becoming. There is nothing wrong, sinful or shameful in who I am. I am no longer a bigot or xenophobic or islamphobic or misogynist. I am an out and proud feminist who is also an Atheist. I can't change who I am. I am as colorful as the rainbow and that is more than alright. Don't give into conforming be you and proud of who you are. You are beautiful just the way you are. K?
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"TRANS V. CISGENDER"
I know that cisgender people outnumber me and my trans community and that is why to them we are misunderstood. They think that how can someone who is male think they are a girl or someone who is female think they are a boy. But it is not that I think I am a girl but that I am a girl just with boy equipment. My spirit and brain has been wired all along with being feminine. Trying all those years trying to be a boy hurt me. With each passing year of trying to be male was making me me more and more depressed, angry, and unhappy. I just hit that wall 4 yrs ago and said I can't try and be male anymore. Pretending all those years finally led me to shred that identity that I had built up all those years. With a majority of the world identifying both as cisgender and Christian they haven't heard how inundated they have been with the ideology behind Christianity. Theologists have been brainwashing that one chooses to being gay and that sexual orientation and gender identity are one in the same. But gender identity is not the same as sexual orientation. According to dictionary.com gender identity is a person's inner sense of being male or female, usually developed during early childhood as a result of parental rearing practices and societal influences and strengthened during puberty by hormonal changes. According to dictionary.com sexual orientation is one's natural preference in sexual partners; partiality for being gay, heterosexuality, or bisexuality. Even allies hearing conservatives or Christians talk negatively about girls like me they are subconsciously agreeing with what is being said. They are sucking into what they hear and deep down agree. Cisgenders are told to conform to the ideology of what Christian conservatives tell them to believe. They are brainwashed to think like them when it comes to the whole LGBTQ+ community especially the T. Christian conservatives have been mad ever since they long ago lost the whole prayer and bibles being allowed in school. Ever since having prayer and bible removed from schools they have been seeking revenge. They feel like they are being discriminated against and have been plotting ever since. They have been patient while plotting how to get our side back for what they claim we did to them. Having marriage equality, trans rights and our first African American President were the final straws. So they got 45 elected and having Pence being his VP he has been whispering in his ear to force his religious agenda down everyone's necks. Their side has been teaching in their churches that there is this battle of Good and Evil which they in their own delusional minds are the good and people like me are evil. In their book, the bible in Luke 6:37 it reads: 37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. They seem to forget this conveniently. Another area of the bible Matthew 7:3 states: 3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? These they completely ignore. They make enough mistakes that they need to work on theirselves first before working to correct others. Passing judgement is a clear violation of their religion which is what they do to girls like me. Without getting to know one of us they are quick to judge and ignore their own mistakes. The first passage in the bible that my own dad used against me for instance in Deuteronmy 22:5 which states: 5 A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this. Now this verse seems to not fit into what is said around at all. Here is exactly what I am referring to. In verse 11 in that same book and chapter states: 11 Do not wear clothes of wool and linen woven together.12 Make tassels on the four corners of the cloak you wear. They wear clothes with 2 different materials in their clothes and I see none of them are wearing tassels on their clothes so more violations. So clearly they need work to do for themselves before they go on judging others. There is more to go after but those are the examples that I am pointing to and no more.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
There is a lot of misinformation for when it comes to my community, the trans community. So-called biblical scholars state that it is a chosen life style. But wait. Do they know what a girl like me goes through on a daily basis? They would have to have both an open mind and heart and watch me. When I wake up I have to shave my face because at the present time I haven't had either electrolysis or laser hair removal. I do a thorough job when it comes to shaving. I shave first with an electric razor to get as much as possible rid of my facial hair then I get the rest with a manual razor. I want to shave my face less with the manual one because my skin is sensitive and cuts very easily. I shave as close to the skin as possible so I can have a smooth skin as long as possible. Then I use 2 different lotions so it will be easier to apply makeup. My makeup routine is easier these days and only takes 5 or 10 minutes. Now I love makeup because feminity comes so natural to me but there are some that try their best and clock trans girls because the religious right or alt right want girls like me to go away. So I have to protect myself so I live a stealth life as much as possible but try also to be out so those that are going through gender identity is not matching their assigned gender know they are not alone. Now it is a balancing act to being stealth but being visible for other trans woman who are coming to know their identity. When I am busy and simply working in my job I try to live to blend in as much as possible just in case someone doesn't agree with how I live my life. I may work in a liberal university such as Indiana University it doesn't mean everyone I see is liberal like me. Now I do go to trans support groups and share my journey with those that are dealing with what I had to deal with earlier on in my transition showing they are not alone in their struggle or struggles. Knowing they aren't alone will make it easier to transition. I am an open book when it comes to those early on in their transition. If they have questions or wanting advice I am there for them. I am willing to do things that they are doing and opening the doors so their transition will be easier for them. Like when I got my name and gender marker changed the lawyer I worked with was learning the same time I was and just right after he got my name and gender marker legally changed he had a client that was going through that process. With my lawyer now knowing how to do that his next client had it so much easier than I but I was more than willing to let him learn on the fly. When I was working with him getting my name and gender marker changed it took a lot longer but at least his next client will have it a whole lot easier and that is what I am willing to do for future trans people. Helping is what I love doing and transitioning is my passion. Me transitioning has led me to discovering of wanting to educate others in a huge way. I want to educate others what it means to being trans. I want to be a trans actress playing trans roles. I want to educate on the big screen and having my name be well known and not for me but for our community. I want my name well known so I can put a recognizable face and advocate for the most marginalized trans population, the average trans person who is poor and homeless. I want to show them if I can do it then they can too and be a success. I want to inspire other trans people. I want them to experience the world as they want to and that it is possible. All they got to do is simply, believe and want it badly enough.
I want those that do not agree with people like me to know that I am more than a trans woman. I am their neighbor. I am a daughter rather or not my parents see that. I am a sister to my sister rather or not she see that. Though none of my grandparents ever got to know the real me, I am their granddaughter. I am a friend to not only the trans community but also to those that identify as cisgender. I love people especially the marginalized in society. I have a heart for the poor, the homeless, the Muslims, the Latino community but also the gays, the lesbians, the bisexuals, the African Americans. I simply love people. Now I do not like those that discriminate openly without even trying to get to know us. I can't tolerate those that discriminate and yes they are toxic. But there are those that simply haven't met a trans person. So to them I am scary. They may even have heard tainted information from those that choose to teach hate to girls like me and they need to know I am not the enemy that they have been taught about. I am not the boogy monster that comes out from under the bed but I am loving. I am a human just like them and like me they have something that makes them unique. Take a step in my shoes and see what I have to go through. With all chances that I can be discriminated ask yourself this question. Why with all the hatred about girls like me would I choose to be trans? I didn't choose to be trans but I did choose to transition? I choose transition because before transitioning I made an attempt on my life. In my head wasn't a great place to be in because it was a dark place. I couldn't see a way to be happy and be who the world saw me as. I had to be me in order to save my life. Transitioning was rescuing me from harm, harm from my own self. Thinking of suicide constantly, I was my worst enemy. In order to escape my biggest enemy I had to choose to transition. By the time of me starting to physically transition as in taking hormones I finally saw a way out of my darkness. I no longer wanted to end my life. I wanted to live. Living is what I do and now I want to be successful. Living is not enough, I want to succeed in this life. I want to be an inspiration for those struggling with their gender identity and show them they are not alone. I want to show the world I am not an enemy but that I am simply a person. Like the majority I deserve to pursue my happiness. Transitioning and living openly as who I am is making happier every day. I may struggle here and there with depression but not to the point where I want to end my life. I now can escape my depression much easier. I have found community which also helps me get through those dark days. I have found my chosen family which really helps a lot. We all and not just the marginalized but everyone struggle with this thing called life. Would you rather walk with only your kind or someone that is loving like me side by side with? Think about it. Getting to know me you might just end up with a new friend or even your soulmate. Open your mind and heart to new possibities. You have 2 ears and one mouth meaning you are suppose to listen more than talk. Children around you who haven't been taught to hate so that means it is a learned behavior. I have always felt that I was suppose to live my life as a girl I just had to learn how to verbalize it. There was always something missing and these days I know exactly what it is. Gender identity and sexual orientation are not the same thing. As I learned right after coming out as trans and lesbian. These days I do not identify as a lesbian. At one point I thought I was bisexual but learned that was not the case either. At one point I thought I was straight and again and still not that either. I am what they call a pansexual. I am attracted to all gender and gender possibilities. It is about hearts not parts. I am attracted to the person not what is or not in their pants. I want to be held close, cuddled. I want to find that special someone who can see me as who I say I am. I am not trying to trick men into sleeping with me. I am not trying to pretend to be a woman so I can gain access to the bathroom so I can rape women and molest little girls. I use the women's restroom just like any other woman. I go to the restroom, I check my hair and makeup and leave. The bathroom is not the cleanest place to have relations. I would have relations with someone I love and that loves me for me in the bedroom and in bed. I am not constantly thinking of sex as after awhile my sex drive is gone. To me sex is about connecting on a spiritual level.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
I want those that do not agree with people like me to know that I am more than a trans woman. I am their neighbor. I am a daughter rather or not my parents see that. I am a sister to my sister rather or not she see that. Though none of my grandparents ever got to know the real me, I am their granddaughter. I am a friend to not only the trans community but also to those that identify as cisgender. I love people especially the marginalized in society. I have a heart for the poor, the homeless, the Muslims, the Latino community but also the gays, the lesbians, the bisexuals, the African Americans. I simply love people. Now I do not like those that discriminate openly without even trying to get to know us. I can't tolerate those that discriminate and yes they are toxic. But there are those that simply haven't met a trans person. So to them I am scary. They may even have heard tainted information from those that choose to teach hate to girls like me and they need to know I am not the enemy that they have been taught about. I am not the boogy monster that comes out from under the bed but I am loving. I am a human just like them and like me they have something that makes them unique. Take a step in my shoes and see what I have to go through. With all chances that I can be discriminated ask yourself this question. Why with all the hatred about girls like me would I choose to be trans? I didn't choose to be trans but I did choose to transition? I choose transition because before transitioning I made an attempt on my life. In my head wasn't a great place to be in because it was a dark place. I couldn't see a way to be happy and be who the world saw me as. I had to be me in order to save my life. Transitioning was rescuing me from harm, harm from my own self. Thinking of suicide constantly, I was my worst enemy. In order to escape my biggest enemy I had to choose to transition. By the time of me starting to physically transition as in taking hormones I finally saw a way out of my darkness. I no longer wanted to end my life. I wanted to live. Living is what I do and now I want to be successful. Living is not enough, I want to succeed in this life. I want to be an inspiration for those struggling with their gender identity and show them they are not alone. I want to show the world I am not an enemy but that I am simply a person. Like the majority I deserve to pursue my happiness. Transitioning and living openly as who I am is making happier every day. I may struggle here and there with depression but not to the point where I want to end my life. I now can escape my depression much easier. I have found community which also helps me get through those dark days. I have found my chosen family which really helps a lot. We all and not just the marginalized but everyone struggle with this thing called life. Would you rather walk with only your kind or someone that is loving like me side by side with? Think about it. Getting to know me you might just end up with a new friend or even your soulmate. Open your mind and heart to new possibities. You have 2 ears and one mouth meaning you are suppose to listen more than talk. Children around you who haven't been taught to hate so that means it is a learned behavior. I have always felt that I was suppose to live my life as a girl I just had to learn how to verbalize it. There was always something missing and these days I know exactly what it is. Gender identity and sexual orientation are not the same thing. As I learned right after coming out as trans and lesbian. These days I do not identify as a lesbian. At one point I thought I was bisexual but learned that was not the case either. At one point I thought I was straight and again and still not that either. I am what they call a pansexual. I am attracted to all gender and gender possibilities. It is about hearts not parts. I am attracted to the person not what is or not in their pants. I want to be held close, cuddled. I want to find that special someone who can see me as who I say I am. I am not trying to trick men into sleeping with me. I am not trying to pretend to be a woman so I can gain access to the bathroom so I can rape women and molest little girls. I use the women's restroom just like any other woman. I go to the restroom, I check my hair and makeup and leave. The bathroom is not the cleanest place to have relations. I would have relations with someone I love and that loves me for me in the bedroom and in bed. I am not constantly thinking of sex as after awhile my sex drive is gone. To me sex is about connecting on a spiritual level.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"45 ATTACKING MY COMMUNITY"
When 45 willingly tweeted his plans for my community, the trans community and not banning trans people from serving openly in the military it cut to my core of his blatantly discriminating an already vulnerable community that is mine. It reminds me how much we are hatred by those that are conservative and call themselves Christian. Religion is supposed to be about love but that it is anybody but love. Their actions only speak of pure utter hatred and constantly reminds me what my own family did to me. Making me feel extremely exposed and vulnerable and yes it hurts beyond mention of words. It reminds me that to them we are not wanted around at all. It says that they want us to not go back to closet but that we are subhuman and that we need to be gone from this life.
Of course removing the guidance that the Obama administration put on bathrooms in schools and government buildings according to one's self identification according to gender is another blatant attack on a very volunerable people such as myself. Not being allowed to use the bathroom that best fits who we are is basically not allowing us to live as who we identify as. A basic human right such as using the public restroom and denying us that right is stripping away who we are to the core.
The very reason why he is doing all of this is to please his fanbase. The reason why he is catering to his fanbase because he can see that his approval rating is slowly dying out. He knows that he is in trouble if he wants to get reelected. He knows that there is a very good chance to not get reelected and he doesn't want that. At the same time he doesn't want to actually have to do his job. He just wants the title of being President. He thought it would be easy and it is not that at all. It is not easy because he has never held any kind of office before. He thought he could run our country like a business. He hold business experience though not very good. He is bent on undoing everything that Obama put into place. He is just taking care of the majority. In the US Constitution, it reads We the People meaning that his job is to work for everyone. Thinking that he can only take care of the elite is not the way to best work for our country. Though Bill Clinton is more known for his various affairs he did the job the best. He knew what he had to do to get things done. He knew that he had to compromise. That there needs to be some give and take. That both sides needed to give a little for the common good but 45 doesn't seem to know that. Today there is no such thing as compromise because the Alt Right are thinking they are putting religion at the core of policy. But putting religion into our policy is establishing religion which violates our constitution. The Alt Right complained when Obama was in office that the constitution wasn't a living document and that is how they are treating policy these days. They are the biggest of hyprocrites unless you count religion. Fundamentalists violate the very things that they say what Progressives do. They force their opinions onto the rest of the world. They want to control how one lives their live. They have no clue why I am transitioning. They simply see me going against God. They say that if God wanted me to be a woman then HE would have made that way. They don't understand how one can be assigned at birth as male but identify as a woman. They say that I am being perverted. They seem to think that I am trying to trick men into sleeping with me. Or they think that I am trying to gain access to the women's restroom so I can rape women and molest little girls. They fail to see that I am using the women's restroom like any other women. I am going to the restroom and checking both my hair and makeup and get out as fast as I can. The bathroom is no place for hookups. The average public bathroom is not clean enough to do anything like having sex in. They also are confused and think that me being trans is a choice. Why would I decide to be trans? Being trans I get a lot of discrimination. I can get fired or not hired or promoted for simply being trans. I can be evicted or not given an apartment for simply being trans. I can be disowned by family of which that did happen to me by the way. I lost many of my family for being trans and transitioning. Many lose our friends which luckily I lost very few. We can be beaten up or worse we can be murdered for simply being trans. If I didn't identify as a woman, one that is trans I would have never experienced having men attempt to rape me or sexually assault me. My body is constantly being objectified. Men think that I should be ready anytime that they are to have sex with me. So why would anyone choose to be trans? I simply choose to transition because I wanted to be happy and not suicidal. I decided to transition so I wouldn't be unhappy or angry. Now I do get angry but that is because I am sick and tired of people trying to erase our identity. They openly make attempts to put us back into our closet just because we are not in the norm and they are uncomfortable with us being out as who we are. Just like the LGB they want all of us back into our closet and having to sneak around if we want to be ourselves. But I didn't come out to go back in. Coming out meant no more lying by omission. They can try all they want but I am not going back to where I wanted to either cut or commit suicide. Because those days are over. Those days scared me. I noticed that I was my worst enemy. These days I do all I can to remain safe.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Of course removing the guidance that the Obama administration put on bathrooms in schools and government buildings according to one's self identification according to gender is another blatant attack on a very volunerable people such as myself. Not being allowed to use the bathroom that best fits who we are is basically not allowing us to live as who we identify as. A basic human right such as using the public restroom and denying us that right is stripping away who we are to the core.
The very reason why he is doing all of this is to please his fanbase. The reason why he is catering to his fanbase because he can see that his approval rating is slowly dying out. He knows that he is in trouble if he wants to get reelected. He knows that there is a very good chance to not get reelected and he doesn't want that. At the same time he doesn't want to actually have to do his job. He just wants the title of being President. He thought it would be easy and it is not that at all. It is not easy because he has never held any kind of office before. He thought he could run our country like a business. He hold business experience though not very good. He is bent on undoing everything that Obama put into place. He is just taking care of the majority. In the US Constitution, it reads We the People meaning that his job is to work for everyone. Thinking that he can only take care of the elite is not the way to best work for our country. Though Bill Clinton is more known for his various affairs he did the job the best. He knew what he had to do to get things done. He knew that he had to compromise. That there needs to be some give and take. That both sides needed to give a little for the common good but 45 doesn't seem to know that. Today there is no such thing as compromise because the Alt Right are thinking they are putting religion at the core of policy. But putting religion into our policy is establishing religion which violates our constitution. The Alt Right complained when Obama was in office that the constitution wasn't a living document and that is how they are treating policy these days. They are the biggest of hyprocrites unless you count religion. Fundamentalists violate the very things that they say what Progressives do. They force their opinions onto the rest of the world. They want to control how one lives their live. They have no clue why I am transitioning. They simply see me going against God. They say that if God wanted me to be a woman then HE would have made that way. They don't understand how one can be assigned at birth as male but identify as a woman. They say that I am being perverted. They seem to think that I am trying to trick men into sleeping with me. Or they think that I am trying to gain access to the women's restroom so I can rape women and molest little girls. They fail to see that I am using the women's restroom like any other women. I am going to the restroom and checking both my hair and makeup and get out as fast as I can. The bathroom is no place for hookups. The average public bathroom is not clean enough to do anything like having sex in. They also are confused and think that me being trans is a choice. Why would I decide to be trans? Being trans I get a lot of discrimination. I can get fired or not hired or promoted for simply being trans. I can be evicted or not given an apartment for simply being trans. I can be disowned by family of which that did happen to me by the way. I lost many of my family for being trans and transitioning. Many lose our friends which luckily I lost very few. We can be beaten up or worse we can be murdered for simply being trans. If I didn't identify as a woman, one that is trans I would have never experienced having men attempt to rape me or sexually assault me. My body is constantly being objectified. Men think that I should be ready anytime that they are to have sex with me. So why would anyone choose to be trans? I simply choose to transition because I wanted to be happy and not suicidal. I decided to transition so I wouldn't be unhappy or angry. Now I do get angry but that is because I am sick and tired of people trying to erase our identity. They openly make attempts to put us back into our closet just because we are not in the norm and they are uncomfortable with us being out as who we are. Just like the LGB they want all of us back into our closet and having to sneak around if we want to be ourselves. But I didn't come out to go back in. Coming out meant no more lying by omission. They can try all they want but I am not going back to where I wanted to either cut or commit suicide. Because those days are over. Those days scared me. I noticed that I was my worst enemy. These days I do all I can to remain safe.
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"TRANSITIONING SAVED MY LIFE"
Before coming out as a trans woman life was starting to get rough. Unhappiness, depression, and anger were getting worse daily. I took risks not caring if I lived. I would run out in traffic at the last second even though I could get hit. My life was slowly unraveling. I was burning through jobs left and right. My life was getting out of control and real fast. Not knowing why my life was becoming a train wreck I had no clue where to start. I started looking towards the internet to see why I was having these feelings and dreams. My dreams consisted me being feminine and playing the feminine role. I was someone different in my dreams but woke up in this male body and having to play the male role. I was starting to look around me and it would appear that I was checking women but in reality I was trying to imagine me as a woman that I was seeing in my dreams but in the day time. I started wondering why I wash having these desires and dreams. I started noticing when playing role playing games that I was playing the feminine roles and slowly it started to click. Deep down I was realizing that I had always had these feelings that I am a woman and I would try and push these feelings away from me. I had to keep up this image of me as a man. I needed to survive life. In order for me to survive my life I had to look like how the world around me saw me as. The world saw me as a man so I tried to look as masculine as possible. I had to do whatever it took for me to hide what I was feeling eternally. I being afraid of anyone finding out I had to wear a costume. So I grew facial hair. I grew a beard hoping no one around me would recognize me and realize the deep seeded feelings I was struggling beneath the surface. I would do anything to keep anyone around me from finding out my truth. When I realize that I am trans it petrified me to no end. Even though I knew I am trans I still tried to keep up with this whole mirage no matter what. But the more I tried to hide the more it bothered. I would go home to my apartment and dwell on this and look to the internet to do my research. I decided to go out to the store, Goodwill and buy female clothes and went to the store and by makeup and bought myself a wig and heels and even a purse. I would go home and dress who I am and take pictures and loved how I felt when I did this. But I still identified to myself a crossdresser but that was me in denial. Knowing that I am trans scared me so the identity crossdresser was easier to accept because I could hide that. Being a crossdresser and hiding that was so much easier than being trans and on the open. I didn't have to come out and keep it a secret and lose no one in my life. But slowly I was falling apart. Then I would eventually go out in public as myself but only after talking to people at the place for those that are LGBTQ+ and they led me to a local business trans woman whom I shared my thoughts of who I really am. Talking to her about my struggle while being in male mode helped and after talking to her that day the very next day I decided enough was enough and so I came to the world as Sara. I dressed in a pretty dress and heels and wore makeup and put on my wig and ventured out into the world as the real me and it felt great. Knowing I had to go to work and be someone else made me sad. I wanted so very badly to be who I knew myself to be but at the same time that scared me so very much. So I had to hide the real me and take off my makeup and nail polish and put on drab boy clothes. Having to go back and forth started really putting on a real strain on my feelings. I was becoming more and more depressed, angry, and unhappy. After awhile I finally hit that wall and said enough was enough. I was doing a simple routine then I noticed that I was in the middle of my attempt on my life. Being in such a dark space in my life it hurt like nothing I had experienced in my life. I decided that I didn't want to be in that place, my head that is where I am in a dark alley. I decided that I am going to transition. I decided way back before that I wanted to go full tilt. I knew I wanted to be on hormones, I knew I wanted to have my gender confirmed and decided I will have Gender Confirmation Surgery. Though early I used different terminology these are the words that use now. When I went from part being me to full time life starting getting better. Socially transitioning got me in a better mindset. Finally starting the process of letting the beautiful butterfly flutter her big beautiful butterfly wings was a thing to behold but eventually depression was once again rearing its ugly head. So I started seeing my therapist that my church paid for I went to see her and put on full display of what I knew about what all I would have to go through and what risks of being on hormones. I told her that I had the intent on wanting to be on hormones that that rewards outweighed the risks. The day that she finally gave me the green light to go ahead to go to my doctor was huge for me. Taking that next step finally started lifting the huge weight off my shoulders. Having testerone flow through my body was really bothering me. Having the wrong hormones flow through one's body really got to me. Constantly thinking how I wanted estragen to flow through my body put me in the place that I thought I would never get to and that depressed me bunches. But after seeing my doctor and him finally clearing me to finally commence HRT finally felt like I going places. But when I arrived back home I cried happy tears. Knowing that I can finally start that all important next step I can't help but cry happy those happy tears. Finally taking my first dose of Estradial for what is going to be the rest of my life was finally that relieft that I wanted so very bad and badly needed. It didn't take long for me thinking of ending it all to go away. I may get depressed but not to those depths anymore. Though hormones are good I still want more. I know in my heart that me wanting surgery is still a really strong force in my life. I want to be able to get initiminate with someone special when I do find that and want to experience that in a really feminine way and so I need to have female equipment in order for that to happen. Even though my sex drive is gone I still want my female body so when I find that special one comes into my life I can share myself in that special way. I also want my body to be female so I am no longer in a risk to be murder though it will not be gone all the way it will be a lot lower than having my upper body resemble female and my lower body resembling male. I simply want that peace of mind even more than when I commenced hormones. I simply want to be able to focus on non-transition goals like I once did before coming out to myself. Even after transitioning I still want to help others like me. I still want to be able to inspire a whole new trans community that is fresh in coming out. I have goals and boy are they big. I dream big and it excites me to no end. I want to be the next Laverne Cox. I want to be a trans actress and even just act like anyone else that does. I want though to do trans roles because I would know more about being trans than a cisgender person would. It wouldn't be hard to find my motivation for a trans character. I want to help with our conversation to communicate to those that do not understand us. I know that I won't be able to reach everyone because a lot of people will not accept us out of their religion. If you or someone you know they are living a lie and want to be real and want some advice please feel free to email me at [email protected]. K?
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"BIRTHDAY MILESTONE"
This past Friday, August the 18th was my 40th birthday. I never thought I would make it this far before transitioning. Before HRT I was constantly thinking suicide was the answer to my unhappiness. Before realizing that long ago my female identity I had these feelings buried long ago. I buried these feelings knowing that if these feelings were to be exposed my dad would done one or two things or quite possisbly both. He could have had me have Reparative therapy or had me committed or tried one and if it didn't work then have me committed or vice versa. I had to protect myself and wait for the right time to come out. Back then I didn't have the verbage to express exactly how I felt and there wasn't any open trans role model. By the time puberty hit I was really confused. Forgetting my female identity with it being hid me being attracted to men, the gay label didn't seem to fit me and once again I had to bury these feelings for the same reasons of my female identity. Being on hormones has made it very easy for me to being free to express myself. Now I am still feeling what I felt before and after coming out to my parents and my sister. I feel totally disconnected and not belonging to them anymore. I feel angry what they put me through. They made me homeless because my dad told my landlord at that time that I was not going to have them support me between and that I was on my own and that I had someone living with me at that time who is also trans. I feel betrayed by my own flesh and blood. I know I need to see a therapist but where I am I going to find the time to have help someone process that? Having also being dealt some losses this year reminds me of the year 2000 except this time around my family well most of them aren't there to help me through these difficult times. Now I know that I have chosen family and some family it still can't be easily replaced. Blogging does help but it only goes so far. Writing is theruputic but it doesn't substitute going to a therapist who is licensed to help those like me. Writing though does help but it is limited. Having writing being therapy is much like using a Support group as a substitute for therapy. It just doesn't work the same. Now since being on hormones I longer think of suicide as the means to escape my feelings. I want to live an enriched life helping those who are experiencing what I experienced early on in my transition. In fact I want to help in a very big way. I have this dream of being an actress in Hollywood much like Laverne Cox. I want to be a trans actress playing trans roles being that I know my motivations. I feel as though I would be an asset to the trans community. I want the world to know our struggles because they are my struggles. I want future trans and those that only for a short time have been transitioning that they are not alone. Those that say that they are alone are simply wanting us to go away. They are uncomfortable being around someone that is not living their life like they are accustomed to. They want us to believe in religion that they have been their whole life. Forcing their religion and their belief system is not the answer. They simply need their hearts and minds opened up to more possibilities then they have seen ever before. The world around them is constantly changing and their brand of religion is slowly dying out. If they do not open both their hearts and minds they will be left behind. More and more are accepting one can be assigned at birth one gender but identifying with the opposite gender or quite possibly no gender or both. There is nothing wrong with transitioning from one gender to the next or both or none. Being different is not a shame or perversion. Being trans is not the same as sexual orientation. The two are distinct to one another. Just one can be male as in a cisgender male, one can be gay, bi, straight, or pansexual. Just one can be female as in cisgender female, one can be lesbian, bi, straight, or pansexual. I for one identify as both trans and also as pansexual. I am attracted to cisgender and trans men. I am also attracted to cisgender and trans women. I am also attracted to those that are non-binary which can possibly identify with both genders or non at any given time. I can also be attacted to Intersex people though I do not know of any but open to that possibility.
But anyways I had an fabulous birthday thanks to my chosen family and some family. Having the support that I do have is great and it definitely helps in my transition journey to be as successful as it has been. I write this blog to not only help me but others that are transitioning or just starting their journey or even coming to know their identity and even for those that may not identify as trans but know someone who is questioning their identity. I also want to educate thouse that have never encountered a trans or queer person. I feel a lot of ignorance is coming to some that hear hatred and bigotry and on some level do not realize what they are hearing and subconsciuosly hearing and don't realize they are being brainwashed. Though one may identify as straight and cisgender and even Christian they do not have to conform to those that openly display and voice hatred for those that do not agree with our side. There is no excuse for hatred, bigotry and ignorance. There is the internet and we are not trying to make everyone trans or even queer. We are only trying to live out our daily lives and we are human no matter what they say or utter out loud. Instead of using the bible and religion and weaponize them try getting to know someone you have not encountered before and ask respectful questions. "You catch more flies with honey then vinegar." Trying placing yourself in our shoes. I didn't chose this life I simply embraced my difference. Like everyone I am just trying to find my place in society. Coming out and transitioning changed my life and not just my looks but it changed me as a human. I love myself more and more with each passing day. I loved who I am becoming and the changes that I have made as a human. I was taught to hate Muslims and that they deserved to be killed and how to justify that hatred with the bible. Today I am loving towards them. I may not subscribe to their religion but I love them. Just because I do not worship as they do they just have a different religion and doesn't deserve to die for what they believe. I stand by them and their right to life and pursuit of happiness. When I came out to myself I realized I wanted to be accepted as much as possible. Before coming out I hated anyone that identified as lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual, trans and anything in between. But since coming out to myself I asked many about their coming out story and listened. We have 2 ears and one mouth which means we are meant to listen more and talk less. So I listened to them and their stories. I realized that they didn't chose to be who they are that they are simply born this way. Of course it was easier for me to accept trans after my coming out but others it took work and now I love them. I feel it would be a very boring world if all conformed to be like one another. Decades before my coming out I have always accepted African Americans, and the Latino community or even those that are from other countries but I was wanting them to speak in my language and not their own but now I love listening to them and their language. Hearing their native tongue is something really beautiful. Before coming out I was a Republican though one that was slowly coming left but yet I hated that side and now I am one of those that I once hated on. I never voted Democrat before until I voted for Hillary. Speaking of Hillary I never thought that women should hold authority over men and yet nowadays I am a feminist. We women deserve to have a chance at working what was once deemed for men and men only. Women shouldn't be forced to stay at home and take care of children, the home and their husband we deserve our chance to be empowered. Never before would I believe that is how I would believe. Too bad it took me coming out to be a more loving person and especially being for women's rights. Speaking of women's rights I once was against abortion because I was taught that it was murdering an innocent human but I changed my mind on that as well. I stand for a woman to make a decision with their body. What if she was raped and got pregnant for instance. Why should she be forced to carry that baby till term. She would think about being raped all those months. Those months I know would be horrific for her. Even if that weren't the case it is still her body. Man shouldn't have the power to make for women and our bodies. Though I haven't been raped men have made their attempts at doing just that to me and believe me it is very traumatic. I was scared for my life and it is ramped up the fact that I am trans. Being trans can get one murdered. In fact the murdering of trans women and especially ones that are African Americans is going up more and more with each passing year. In fact a very prominent figure in the Fundamentalist world that I was once apart of Dr. James Dobson has encouraged men that if they see us in "the wrong bathroom" to use your gun to protect your wife and daughter. To me that sounds like he is encouraging murdering of girls like me. Even if you aren't trans that is just plain ole wrong encouraging murdering a girl like me. The murdering of people using the bible to justify pure utter hatred and bigotry isn't showing love. The bible that I had read from cover to cover is supposed to be about love and yet it contradicts itself on so many levels. It doesn't always show love and in fact there are places where it shows just the opposite. It does show hatred. God as I was taught was about love. But how is it love when it clearly shows hatred and anger or as it states justified anger? When the bible was used against me when coming out as trans I barely held onto that faith that I was taught but with progressive viewpoint. In fact my faith grew higher than ever before. But after the election of "45" my faith crashed and burned. It is still in ruins. Having that man elected into office brought back feelings of what my family did to me and I felt that their utter hatred is trying to erase me and those around me that are like me and my communities that I am apart of me. They are trying to undo marriage equality and erasing trans rights. They are hurting my LGBTQ+, Queer and trans community. But I am not backing down. I didn't come out of the closet to only go back in. I am out for keeps. There is no quit in me. It only shows that I have a lot of work to do. They are acting out of fear. Knowing that their kind is slowly dying out this is just a last chance ditch effort to stop us. They simply want us to not be out in public. They are afraid of what they can't understand and some may know they are truly one of us and blame us. Maybe even some are jealous that we are brave enough to be out and they can't. So they tell others that we are trying to get others to join us. They boldly state that we chose to be who we are and that we want others to join us. If it were a choice, then why would I chose to be something that is discriminated against. Since coming out I realize that I am intersectionally discriminated against. Being one that is a pansexual, one that is a trans woman, one that is an Atheist and one that is poor I am in more than one arena discriminated against. So what they say is false. They are simply hating and haters hate plain and simple. Misery loves company. They want us to be just as miserable as them and I do not know about you but I am in no rush to join them. I remember being miserable wanting to end my life and now I embrace life. I see color in my world. I hear the birds chirping. I see beauty that I didn't see before. Being honest feels so natural to me. All those years of lying by omission felt so dirty. I am trying to cleanse myself from all that dirty long ago and it is a work in progress. Today I am meeting all kinds of lovely people and people that I didn't associate for them being different embrace me though I was loving all those years. They love me and forgive me and that to me is beautiful. Taste the rainbow. I did and do not regret it one bit other than wished I would had the courage to come out all those years ago. But I can't do anything about it just live in the moment and future. I embracing the world around me that does value on diversity and sharing my story with all that will hear. I can't change majority of that side but I can stop them as much as possible from poisoning those on the fence. I may not get all on the middle but I plan on getting as much as possible and educate them and the future. I know their side is slowly dwindling so all I can do is educate as much as possible and yes that is my role in life. I was born this way for a purpose and will use that for the rest of my life no matter how long or short my life ends of being. I can be here today and murdered later on tonight or any other day or night so I take full advantage on what time I have left. Please share this with as much people as possible. If anyone has any questions please feel free to email me at [email protected]. K? Have a great rest of the weekend and the week ahead all of you. K? Later!!!
-Ms. Sara Ashley, Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality.
But anyways I had an fabulous birthday thanks to my chosen family and some family. Having the support that I do have is great and it definitely helps in my transition journey to be as successful as it has been. I write this blog to not only help me but others that are transitioning or just starting their journey or even coming to know their identity and even for those that may not identify as trans but know someone who is questioning their identity. I also want to educate thouse that have never encountered a trans or queer person. I feel a lot of ignorance is coming to some that hear hatred and bigotry and on some level do not realize what they are hearing and subconsciuosly hearing and don't realize they are being brainwashed. Though one may identify as straight and cisgender and even Christian they do not have to conform to those that openly display and voice hatred for those that do not agree with our side. There is no excuse for hatred, bigotry and ignorance. There is the internet and we are not trying to make everyone trans or even queer. We are only trying to live out our daily lives and we are human no matter what they say or utter out loud. Instead of using the bible and religion and weaponize them try getting to know someone you have not encountered before and ask respectful questions. "You catch more flies with honey then vinegar." Trying placing yourself in our shoes. I didn't chose this life I simply embraced my difference. Like everyone I am just trying to find my place in society. Coming out and transitioning changed my life and not just my looks but it changed me as a human. I love myself more and more with each passing day. I loved who I am becoming and the changes that I have made as a human. I was taught to hate Muslims and that they deserved to be killed and how to justify that hatred with the bible. Today I am loving towards them. I may not subscribe to their religion but I love them. Just because I do not worship as they do they just have a different religion and doesn't deserve to die for what they believe. I stand by them and their right to life and pursuit of happiness. When I came out to myself I realized I wanted to be accepted as much as possible. Before coming out I hated anyone that identified as lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual, trans and anything in between. But since coming out to myself I asked many about their coming out story and listened. We have 2 ears and one mouth which means we are meant to listen more and talk less. So I listened to them and their stories. I realized that they didn't chose to be who they are that they are simply born this way. Of course it was easier for me to accept trans after my coming out but others it took work and now I love them. I feel it would be a very boring world if all conformed to be like one another. Decades before my coming out I have always accepted African Americans, and the Latino community or even those that are from other countries but I was wanting them to speak in my language and not their own but now I love listening to them and their language. Hearing their native tongue is something really beautiful. Before coming out I was a Republican though one that was slowly coming left but yet I hated that side and now I am one of those that I once hated on. I never voted Democrat before until I voted for Hillary. Speaking of Hillary I never thought that women should hold authority over men and yet nowadays I am a feminist. We women deserve to have a chance at working what was once deemed for men and men only. Women shouldn't be forced to stay at home and take care of children, the home and their husband we deserve our chance to be empowered. Never before would I believe that is how I would believe. Too bad it took me coming out to be a more loving person and especially being for women's rights. Speaking of women's rights I once was against abortion because I was taught that it was murdering an innocent human but I changed my mind on that as well. I stand for a woman to make a decision with their body. What if she was raped and got pregnant for instance. Why should she be forced to carry that baby till term. She would think about being raped all those months. Those months I know would be horrific for her. Even if that weren't the case it is still her body. Man shouldn't have the power to make for women and our bodies. Though I haven't been raped men have made their attempts at doing just that to me and believe me it is very traumatic. I was scared for my life and it is ramped up the fact that I am trans. Being trans can get one murdered. In fact the murdering of trans women and especially ones that are African Americans is going up more and more with each passing year. In fact a very prominent figure in the Fundamentalist world that I was once apart of Dr. James Dobson has encouraged men that if they see us in "the wrong bathroom" to use your gun to protect your wife and daughter. To me that sounds like he is encouraging murdering of girls like me. Even if you aren't trans that is just plain ole wrong encouraging murdering a girl like me. The murdering of people using the bible to justify pure utter hatred and bigotry isn't showing love. The bible that I had read from cover to cover is supposed to be about love and yet it contradicts itself on so many levels. It doesn't always show love and in fact there are places where it shows just the opposite. It does show hatred. God as I was taught was about love. But how is it love when it clearly shows hatred and anger or as it states justified anger? When the bible was used against me when coming out as trans I barely held onto that faith that I was taught but with progressive viewpoint. In fact my faith grew higher than ever before. But after the election of "45" my faith crashed and burned. It is still in ruins. Having that man elected into office brought back feelings of what my family did to me and I felt that their utter hatred is trying to erase me and those around me that are like me and my communities that I am apart of me. They are trying to undo marriage equality and erasing trans rights. They are hurting my LGBTQ+, Queer and trans community. But I am not backing down. I didn't come out of the closet to only go back in. I am out for keeps. There is no quit in me. It only shows that I have a lot of work to do. They are acting out of fear. Knowing that their kind is slowly dying out this is just a last chance ditch effort to stop us. They simply want us to not be out in public. They are afraid of what they can't understand and some may know they are truly one of us and blame us. Maybe even some are jealous that we are brave enough to be out and they can't. So they tell others that we are trying to get others to join us. They boldly state that we chose to be who we are and that we want others to join us. If it were a choice, then why would I chose to be something that is discriminated against. Since coming out I realize that I am intersectionally discriminated against. Being one that is a pansexual, one that is a trans woman, one that is an Atheist and one that is poor I am in more than one arena discriminated against. So what they say is false. They are simply hating and haters hate plain and simple. Misery loves company. They want us to be just as miserable as them and I do not know about you but I am in no rush to join them. I remember being miserable wanting to end my life and now I embrace life. I see color in my world. I hear the birds chirping. I see beauty that I didn't see before. Being honest feels so natural to me. All those years of lying by omission felt so dirty. I am trying to cleanse myself from all that dirty long ago and it is a work in progress. Today I am meeting all kinds of lovely people and people that I didn't associate for them being different embrace me though I was loving all those years. They love me and forgive me and that to me is beautiful. Taste the rainbow. I did and do not regret it one bit other than wished I would had the courage to come out all those years ago. But I can't do anything about it just live in the moment and future. I embracing the world around me that does value on diversity and sharing my story with all that will hear. I can't change majority of that side but I can stop them as much as possible from poisoning those on the fence. I may not get all on the middle but I plan on getting as much as possible and educate them and the future. I know their side is slowly dwindling so all I can do is educate as much as possible and yes that is my role in life. I was born this way for a purpose and will use that for the rest of my life no matter how long or short my life ends of being. I can be here today and murdered later on tonight or any other day or night so I take full advantage on what time I have left. Please share this with as much people as possible. If anyone has any questions please feel free to email me at [email protected]. K? Have a great rest of the weekend and the week ahead all of you. K? Later!!!
-Ms. Sara Ashley, Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality.
"WE'RE IN THE FIGHT FOR OUR LIVES"
It has been really crystal clear what the Republican party had in store for our communities, LGBTQ+, Queer and trans. They want to control society how this ancient fairy tale book called the "Holy Bible." They clearly are out for blood. They have been seething since the days of prayers not being allowed in public schools. Knowing what I learned in my days of fundamentalistic church I know that they see it as "Good v. Evil." They see themselves being good while those that do not see it their way as being evil. Our forefathers wanted to have Separation of Church and State and back then they didn't have all the different kinds of religion like we do today. Still they knew if they were to establish religion like our ancestors had in England that someone's toes would be stepped on. They wanted one to being able to choose a religion or choose to be an Antheist if they so chose to. Whose religion is going to be established if they put the bible into the constitution. Putting an interpretation of the bible clearly violates the constitution but with the Republicans controlling everything including the courts we are in real trouble. Republicans are already attacking trans rights with these so-called "Bathroom laws." So this is just another overstepping of government which they accused my Democratic party of doing the last 8 yrs. They are hyprocrites. They say one thing and do another. 2018 is clearly an important year for us to make sure that we do not lose our rights. I wouldn't put it past them to make these not just laws but ones that can't be changed. We need to stand up and tell them no collectively. We need to follow Hillary Clinton what she stated. We're stronger together. So we need to get over our divide and collectively tell the Republicans no. Clearly they want to fight and we need to not back down and show them what we are made of. Stop them from turning our country into their Mega Church. This is a huge reason why I am an out and Proud Atheist. They clearly want to brainwash the nation. I am not going to be stamped out of existence. I didn't come out of the closet to go back in. Once I am "Out" I am not going back. I am an out and proud Pansexual trans woman. I spent all those years of trying to be a straight Christian cisgender male and all it did to me was make me depressed and angry. The more I denied who I was truly the more depressed and angry I became. Ever since being on hormones the happier I have become. Once I have my Gender Confirmation Surgery I will be even more happy. Knowing how their kind is I know they will not care what we say or how it is affecting our communities and that is why we need to go to the polls and vote them out. Plain and simple. We need the numbers to be on our side and not theirs. Their side is clearly evil and hell bent to have comfort on their side. They want our communities to go back to our closets so they do not have to see us. But guess what? I am not going back in my closet. I am finishing what I started 4 years ago. Their hatred is what fuels me to continue on forward. They can't stop me. I will fight for my rights goddamn it. Who is with me? Feel alone? Well you are not. I am here with you. Together we will stand and show them what we are made of. Feel free to email me. Email me at [email protected]. If you want someone to be your friend feel free to send me a friend request on my Facebook page. Here is the link to my page. K? https://www.facebook.com/sara.cole.18062533?needsRefresh=true
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"THE LIFE OF THIS HERE TRANS WOMAN"
I once heard Caitlin Jenner say that she speaks for all trans women. But how can she? She lived a very privileged life. She continuously lives off both the fame and money she made when she lived in the closet when she identified as Bruce Jenner. Now I am not dead-naming her or misgendering her just stating a fact. She today still identifies as a Republican and a Christian who is all about tradition. But how is all about tradition? How does transitioning from male to female about tradition? Now before you leave all in a huff I am getting to what I want to talk about and speak of my own personal experiences. Okay?
So anyways I mention her to lead to my title here. I know for a fact one can't speak for all but can speak from their own experiences. So hence the title of this post. Transitioning is not easy. It is not all rainbows and unicorns. Transitioning in fact is very hard and I am not going to sugar coat it. 41% of our community attempt suicide. We can lose our job and place to live and if we have a job and do not lose it we are denied a promotion all because of our gender identity. We lose both our families and friends. The cisgender people do not understand why we choose this life but the fact is that we do not choose this life. We choose to be happy. I asked myself a question. Do I want to live or do I want to die? I choose to be happy which means I choose life. Now I came out when I was between jobs and that is hard. When I came out to my family I already knew I was going to lose them. I grew up in a Christian Conservative Fundamentalist kinda home. I was taught to live a traditional way of life. I grew up in the Church of Christ. They teach that marriage is between one man and one woman. They teach a man can't be a woman and vice versa. They say that if God wanted you to be a woman then he would have made you a woman. They refute scientific evidence that one can have genitalia of a man and have the mind of a woman. They are the very reason why society is stacked against anyone that doesn't live in the societal norm. If they are against same sex couples then they are against trans people. I lived 36 yrs of my life living a lie. I tried so very hard being the man that the world said I was. The more and more I tried living my life as that man the more depressed and angry I had become. Early on in my life I knew I had a female identity but knew that I had to bury it. Then when puberty hit I took notice of men and that I was attracted to them but knew I also had to hide that. By the time I knew I was attracted to men I had forgotten about my female identity so this prooves that gender identity and sexual orientation are not related. Gender identity and sexual orientation are often misused for one another in various religious circles. Misinformation is the vehichle used by them to scare people about trans people. So when one looks at a girl like me and is angry it comes from being afraid and it is all because because of misinformation. They say that one being trans and gay is a choice and that it is rebellion against God and that we are going straight to hell. They use hell as a scare tactict. They want to force people like me to live their way and not how we know ourselves to be. Religion is often all about control. They want to control society because if one doesn't live how they were taught then we are the monster under their bed. We are depicted as being the boogey man under society's bed. That we only come out at night and try to force our way of life on them. But I am not the monster that they depict me as. I am not "pretending" to be a woman so I can gain access to the women's restroom and rape women or molest little girls. I simply want to live my life as a woman that I know myself to be. I use the restroom like any other woman. I go to the restroom, I check my hair and makeup and leave. If a woman talks to me I do not ignore them but I do not start a conversation. Now if I know a woman in there then I may say hi and do my pleasantries. But I have to feel comfortable with anyone that maybe in the restroom. Anyways when I came out as trans I also came out as a lesbian. I identified as a lesbian for quite awhile but came out as bisexual and then straight for awhile then now I identify as a pansexual. A pansexual is someone who is attracted to any gender or gender identities. A better way to describe a pansexual is it is about hearts not parts. For me I want a relationship with someone that I make a connection with. To me a relationship it is about that human connection with. The character of the person is what I am attracted to. I maybe attracted to looks in the beginning but it is the character of the person that keeps me attracted or not. Looks can only keep me interested so long it is the character that can either keep me or lose me. What Christians don't understand it is not a choice. Why would someone choose to being marginalized? There is so much discrimination when identifying as a trans woman. Living a trans woman's life isn't easy. So if it was a choice then why choose it if it is hard? If it were a choice then I would have choosen to life as a straight cisgender male's life but it is not a choice. I choose to be happy and that only happens living my life openly as a Pansexual trans woman. There is no other way to live a happy life. Though I had to be homeless for about 9 months and had to lose jobs along the way I would do it all over again. Transitioning has taught me so much along the way. Transitioning taught me how to accept one being Muslim, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual. I simply learned how to love people. In order for me to maximize I knew I had to accept people for who they were. I came to understand the gay,lesbian, bisexual, and pansexual lifestyle. That kind of lifestyle I can tell you is not a choosen one. From all the stories I have heard and my own I know it is not a choice. So-called Christians like my parents say that it is alie from someone named Satan I know is another scared tactict. A decision to transition is a serious decision and no one is going to convince me that decision came from me and me alone. I did my research and based off my research and living my life part time for those 2 months and being honest with how I truly felt when living the truth, my truth that I was truly happy and when I was me who the world says part time I was not happy at all. Now there have been things I have learned as I continue to transition. One can't learn everything before living as a trans person. There is going to be stuff that one learns along the way. I have had to grow and real fast. Before transitioning when I was between jobs I leaned a lot on my parents. I could lose my job and my parents would help me with my bills but now that they disowned me almost 4 yrs ago I do everything to keep my job and a place to live because I have had to work hard to gain access to those things that allow me to live openly as who I am. My job gives me benefits that allow me to be on HRT. Having my job allowed me to change my name and gender marker and I do not take that for granted. I can lose my job very easily which makes me homeless very quickly and I do not risk those things that I worked so very hard for. I respect both my job and the place that I call home and they are my everything. The support that I have means the world to me. I know I have those in my life that simply love me for me and that keeps me going forward. I am so ready for my transition to be over with and simply live my life as Sara and one that is female. I can't wait to the day that I can have goals that do not include steps in my transition but every day goals like anyone else. I am not ashamed of being trans because it is an identity that I am proud of but I also want to live my life just like anyone else. It is only my business unless I want to get romantic with that special someone. I do want to be an Actress like Laverne Cox but also want to be a mother though it would have to be as a Step-mom but at least a mom on some level. I simply want more out of my life just like anyone else. I maybe trans and will always be but more importantly I am human. All should be loved and not just the majority. Everyone should be free not just the majority. One should be allowed to be a Christian or not. One should be allowed to be LGBTQ+, Queer and or trans and not just the straight. It is my business who I am and not the Christian's damn business. Love everyone. Love the marginalized. Step out of your comfort zone and extend love to that person they may just end up your best friend or your spouse. Being Trans, LGBTQ+, Queer is not a shame. We're human just like you and like you we all have differences and that is simply beautiful.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers4TransEquality
So anyways I mention her to lead to my title here. I know for a fact one can't speak for all but can speak from their own experiences. So hence the title of this post. Transitioning is not easy. It is not all rainbows and unicorns. Transitioning in fact is very hard and I am not going to sugar coat it. 41% of our community attempt suicide. We can lose our job and place to live and if we have a job and do not lose it we are denied a promotion all because of our gender identity. We lose both our families and friends. The cisgender people do not understand why we choose this life but the fact is that we do not choose this life. We choose to be happy. I asked myself a question. Do I want to live or do I want to die? I choose to be happy which means I choose life. Now I came out when I was between jobs and that is hard. When I came out to my family I already knew I was going to lose them. I grew up in a Christian Conservative Fundamentalist kinda home. I was taught to live a traditional way of life. I grew up in the Church of Christ. They teach that marriage is between one man and one woman. They teach a man can't be a woman and vice versa. They say that if God wanted you to be a woman then he would have made you a woman. They refute scientific evidence that one can have genitalia of a man and have the mind of a woman. They are the very reason why society is stacked against anyone that doesn't live in the societal norm. If they are against same sex couples then they are against trans people. I lived 36 yrs of my life living a lie. I tried so very hard being the man that the world said I was. The more and more I tried living my life as that man the more depressed and angry I had become. Early on in my life I knew I had a female identity but knew that I had to bury it. Then when puberty hit I took notice of men and that I was attracted to them but knew I also had to hide that. By the time I knew I was attracted to men I had forgotten about my female identity so this prooves that gender identity and sexual orientation are not related. Gender identity and sexual orientation are often misused for one another in various religious circles. Misinformation is the vehichle used by them to scare people about trans people. So when one looks at a girl like me and is angry it comes from being afraid and it is all because because of misinformation. They say that one being trans and gay is a choice and that it is rebellion against God and that we are going straight to hell. They use hell as a scare tactict. They want to force people like me to live their way and not how we know ourselves to be. Religion is often all about control. They want to control society because if one doesn't live how they were taught then we are the monster under their bed. We are depicted as being the boogey man under society's bed. That we only come out at night and try to force our way of life on them. But I am not the monster that they depict me as. I am not "pretending" to be a woman so I can gain access to the women's restroom and rape women or molest little girls. I simply want to live my life as a woman that I know myself to be. I use the restroom like any other woman. I go to the restroom, I check my hair and makeup and leave. If a woman talks to me I do not ignore them but I do not start a conversation. Now if I know a woman in there then I may say hi and do my pleasantries. But I have to feel comfortable with anyone that maybe in the restroom. Anyways when I came out as trans I also came out as a lesbian. I identified as a lesbian for quite awhile but came out as bisexual and then straight for awhile then now I identify as a pansexual. A pansexual is someone who is attracted to any gender or gender identities. A better way to describe a pansexual is it is about hearts not parts. For me I want a relationship with someone that I make a connection with. To me a relationship it is about that human connection with. The character of the person is what I am attracted to. I maybe attracted to looks in the beginning but it is the character of the person that keeps me attracted or not. Looks can only keep me interested so long it is the character that can either keep me or lose me. What Christians don't understand it is not a choice. Why would someone choose to being marginalized? There is so much discrimination when identifying as a trans woman. Living a trans woman's life isn't easy. So if it was a choice then why choose it if it is hard? If it were a choice then I would have choosen to life as a straight cisgender male's life but it is not a choice. I choose to be happy and that only happens living my life openly as a Pansexual trans woman. There is no other way to live a happy life. Though I had to be homeless for about 9 months and had to lose jobs along the way I would do it all over again. Transitioning has taught me so much along the way. Transitioning taught me how to accept one being Muslim, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual. I simply learned how to love people. In order for me to maximize I knew I had to accept people for who they were. I came to understand the gay,lesbian, bisexual, and pansexual lifestyle. That kind of lifestyle I can tell you is not a choosen one. From all the stories I have heard and my own I know it is not a choice. So-called Christians like my parents say that it is alie from someone named Satan I know is another scared tactict. A decision to transition is a serious decision and no one is going to convince me that decision came from me and me alone. I did my research and based off my research and living my life part time for those 2 months and being honest with how I truly felt when living the truth, my truth that I was truly happy and when I was me who the world says part time I was not happy at all. Now there have been things I have learned as I continue to transition. One can't learn everything before living as a trans person. There is going to be stuff that one learns along the way. I have had to grow and real fast. Before transitioning when I was between jobs I leaned a lot on my parents. I could lose my job and my parents would help me with my bills but now that they disowned me almost 4 yrs ago I do everything to keep my job and a place to live because I have had to work hard to gain access to those things that allow me to live openly as who I am. My job gives me benefits that allow me to be on HRT. Having my job allowed me to change my name and gender marker and I do not take that for granted. I can lose my job very easily which makes me homeless very quickly and I do not risk those things that I worked so very hard for. I respect both my job and the place that I call home and they are my everything. The support that I have means the world to me. I know I have those in my life that simply love me for me and that keeps me going forward. I am so ready for my transition to be over with and simply live my life as Sara and one that is female. I can't wait to the day that I can have goals that do not include steps in my transition but every day goals like anyone else. I am not ashamed of being trans because it is an identity that I am proud of but I also want to live my life just like anyone else. It is only my business unless I want to get romantic with that special someone. I do want to be an Actress like Laverne Cox but also want to be a mother though it would have to be as a Step-mom but at least a mom on some level. I simply want more out of my life just like anyone else. I maybe trans and will always be but more importantly I am human. All should be loved and not just the majority. Everyone should be free not just the majority. One should be allowed to be a Christian or not. One should be allowed to be LGBTQ+, Queer and or trans and not just the straight. It is my business who I am and not the Christian's damn business. Love everyone. Love the marginalized. Step out of your comfort zone and extend love to that person they may just end up your best friend or your spouse. Being Trans, LGBTQ+, Queer is not a shame. We're human just like you and like you we all have differences and that is simply beautiful.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers4TransEquality
"celebrating my identity"
These days it is glaring clear what the current administration, one that is currently occupying space in the White House whose name I will not mention is out to do. He and his comrades are out to rid the nation of anyone who identifies as LGBTQ+ especially if one is trans like me. Him and his supporters want girls like me to be shamed into who we are. That we are a burden to society as he said in his tweets when he made it abundantly clear that he plans on banning us serving in the military. When he wiped out the progress that his predecessor made for me and my community. He already had taken out letting those who identified differently from their assigned sex. To me taking trans girls and placing them into the boys restroom that is placing them directly into harms way. No matter what he says I am still using the bathroom that I identify with and I will continue doing so. Now taking away our rights to serve openly who we identity with is just another blow to our community. Being trans and being gainfully employed is hard enough but existing in society is hard when people like him want to take away our rights when using the restroom or him allowing employers to fire us for simply living out our lives authentically is clearly wanting to wipe out our existence. I simply know I didn't choose to be trans or pansexual that I was simply born this way. To say other wise maybe his right to that opinion but wanting to wipe us out of existence is infringing on my right to exist. We have a right to pursue our happiness and simply righting bills that would wipe us out is stepping on our rights as citizens of the United States of America. I keep waiting on the day when he is impeached for ignoring the constitution. Now I do feel that people who want to practice their religion even with me being an Atheist but at the same time I also have rights. There needs to be a balance for those wanting to practice their religion without me losing my rights to live how I want to. Our President, House of Representatives and Senators need to remember that they work for all of us and not just the majority. Instead of Religious Freedom all should have rights. Our government needs to consider each and every individual instead of a group like any one religion. There are way too many branches of religions and so whose interpretation do we follow? Wouldn't that be establishing a religion which is against our constitution? If all had rights and not just the majority then those who practiced a religion would have a right too. So we do not need a special group or groups to have rights but instead all should have rights as long as they aren't braking laws to lose their rights. So anyway
"POLICE NO HELP TO TRANS WOMEN"
Today had an experience that I had once upon a time heard was a problem and now I clearly see what has been talked about. Even a town such as Bloomington which is liberal the police do not take trans women like me seriously. I was minding my own business when these people named Charles P. Monroe and Jamie Monroe were about to enter the private reading room at the Monroe Public Library where I was. Now the problem begins earlier When they months earlier were staying at a friend's apartment because they were homeless. My friend who also is trans and is about to be my roommate had her stuff blindly stolen and when she caught on they were arrested and charged with stealing. They now that I stand with my friend and that I am angry that they did that to her. She was kind enough to let them stay and they do that to her. Now Charles was at the time dating my friend but then he started cheating on my friend with Jamie who is now his wife. Anyways back to the incident that involves me directly. They saw me and left immediately to a different area. They were clearly intimidating me which I told the officer that responded to my call and he tells me that they didn't do anything that would have them arrested. I think he responded to me because what I told the dispatcher. She asked me if I was a woman and I told her that I am a woman, a trans woman. There is a good reason why we in the trans community do not trust the law. He rapidly found an excuse to leave without even talking to them let alone arrest them. What they did was clear cut intimidation and yet they were not even talked to. We are clearly 3rd class citizens. We need to be taken seriously because we are humans. The Alt Right has most people think that we chose to live this way and that we are either seen as mental cases or not following the bible and going straight to hell. Why is religion always used against us? What we have in our pants or do not have is our own business not anyone else's. Gender is not about parts but hearts and society needs to learn that. In fact gender is way too important in our society and that is because Christian Lobbyists with deep pockets keep us from obtaining rights and equal treatment. Every time society seems to be advancing these loony tunes stick their noses where they do not belong. I am tired of having the bible shoved in my face. They are wasting their time because it is driving people like me away. People like them made me an Atheist. Their actions clearly show hatred and it is about time society takes notice of that clear observation. What ever happened if you have nothing nice to say to say nothing. This is clearly why our numbers in the trans community are spiking on the upward trend when it comes to being murdered. We are not being treated as human beings who just so happen to be the minority. There is no less value in our lives then those that are cisgender. If we are cut do we not bleed? If we lose a loved one do we not cry? If something good happens to us do we not get excited? Well that last one doesn't happen a whole lot because the Alt Right control society and how they think about us. They want everyone to live a traditional way of life. I mean there is nothing wrong with be traditional as long it doesn't keep someone being true to oneself. So when a town liberal such as Bloomington doesn't take we, the trans seriously then Houston we have a problem. We need to kick those Christian Conservative Lobbyists to the curb and out of Washington. There is a reason why our forefathers created a thing such as Separation of Church and State. Right? Thank you for letting me vent here.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Rights Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Rights Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"6 MONTH ANNIVERSARY NAME AND GENDER MARKER CHANGE"
Well 6 months ago this past Sunday the 9th of July marks me having my name and gender marker legally changed. I am ever so grateful that most of my transition during the Obama administration. Having my identity legally recognized just before Trump took office makes feel lucky. I really feel sympathetic towards the trans community that is transitioning shortly before Obama left office being that it will be an uphill battle to being able to who one is truly. Having an administration like Trump's that places value on a traditional way of life over one's true identity truly nauseates me. They simply want girls like me to back into our closet. They think that us being who we're meant to be who we are truly is going against God's commands and feel that if we are allowed to be who we are truly then they will be condoning our supposed immorality. Why should we have to go by their version of religion? Being an Atheist and having to have their religion shoved down my throat violates Separation of Church and State. Our forefathers would be rolling in their graves if they knew about the Alt Right making the kinda laws they have in store to force upon their will upon us. The Alt Right want to replace our laws to ones that are from the Old Testament of the bible. I as an Atheist I am offended by their clear agenda. If they want to live by the bible that is their right but do not foist upon those who believe differently. We need a government that works for all people not just the majority. As the preamble of the United States constitution states: "We the People" it represents all people not the majority. Thank you for taking your time out of your day to read my post. Love you all!!!
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"LOSS OF A LOVED One WHEN TRANSITIONING"
There is nothing worse then be disowned after coming out for transitioning. Well except when you lose a loved one while being disowned. I found out that my grandpa passed away on the 4th of July. I only have 3 family members that haven't distanced themselves from me and in fact support me on my transition. One of my 2 cousins sacrifaced not talking to family members to keep me in the loop about my grandpa. My cousin informed me through Facebook messenger that my grandpa had passed and learned that while running register at my job. I totally lost my composure when I learned of the news. Now a night before I got home from work and received a text on my phone which was kinda weird. My service was turned off because I had no money to pay my bill because my hours at work during the summer are harder to come by being that I work for Indiana University for a company called RPS in Dining Services. Well anyway I am confused to why I was able to receive a text when my phone was shut off. It read from my cousin that he had tried calling me and needed to tell me something important. After reading that text I had this sickening feeling in the pit of my tummy. I had a feeling that it was about my grandpa and him passing away. My intuition was so correct. After reading his text I tried calling him on my backup phone, Google Voice. I got his voicemail and left him a message. I then left him a FB message that I left him a voicemail. He then sent me a message about grandpa and immediately I broke down. It took me quite awhile to regain my composure to be able to keep right on working. I can handle losing someone better just by keeping busy. What makes it hard for me is that even if I had the time and money to go and pay my final respect to him is that my fear of my dad whom he claims that he is a righteous Christian so I fear that we would murder me. I am so afraid of him that I will try in a few years hopefully when I try to move to San Diego, CA. I can then purchase a bus ticket and go and pay my final respect to him in private hopefully without seeing my family. I hope to by then is have my transition all complete. If you have a loved one who just came out to you as being a gender then you once thought they were please they are not trying to hurt you, or embarass you. Just try to be there for them because they are fearing you will turn your back on them just like me. I am more than mourning my loss of my grandpa but most of my family. My family most of them that is turned their backs on me all because they chose their religion over my happiness. All we are trying to is find our happiness and to be complete in who we truly are. We aren't child molesters, or the monsters that lots of people paint us to be. We are not trying to hurt little children or women we are simply wanting what everyone else has and that is to be accepted, loved, and cherished. We also just want respect and dignity. Please instead of judging your loved one please I implore you to do your research and not have assed one my dad did. He only did enough to scare me to not transition and that still didn't work. It is not a temporary phase or obsession as my dad once thought. He thought it was a phase as he put it and that was 4 yrs ago and I am still transitioning. Since being on hormones I am not depressed to the point of wanting to commit suicide. Though I still get depressed that doesn't last for too long and goes away quickly. I am glad that I made the decision which is the hardest one I had to make to transition. Transitioning has been the best thing I have ever done for me despite losing family. But losing a loved one is hard but even harder when I am estranged and dealing with my grief without family around me. It hurts that I have to grieve without blood though I do have friends to do their best but still need family. So I urge you to give your loved one a chance and learn with them on their journey. Suicide rates are at 41% for trans people like me without family support. Yes I am apart of that 41% but the rates drop tremendously for those that do have family support. Thank you for taking your time to read what I had to say.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"Pictures from my 20th HS Reunion"
"WHAT FREEDOMS?"
On a day like today, the 4th of July I find it hard to celebrate. It is supposed to be celebrating freedoms but right now our government is trying to erase our rights as LGBTQ+, queer and trans communities that Obama had given us. It is hard to celebrate American freedom when I feel my rights as a Pansexual trans woman being stripped away. How can America not granting everyone's rights. No one is free until all are. We need to tell America no to when it comes to losing our rights. We had gained so much during the last administration and it seemed that we were finally headed the right direction till the election of Donald J. Trump as President. The Alt Right has all the control that one can muster to get what they want. The President is a Republican and the House and Senate both are controlled by Republicans. Though the Supreme Justices are only to intreprete the law and not favor a party that is not the case as they are also controlled by the Republicans. So right now it is very easy for the Republicans to strip away what the Obama Administration was able to give us, our rights. It was once said that "No one is free until all are free. -Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Dr. King is so correct. He was a man way ahead of his time. What would he think if he were still alive? He would be disgusted that we, the LGBTQ+, Queer and trans communities are being treated like 2nd class citizens. He would be disgusted that ministers would be teaching that being LGBTQ+, Queer and Trans are a choice, one that leads to straight to hell and that it is a choice of defiance against God. He would be disgusted that it has lead many like me to being an Atheist and he would not blame us. Why would any of us want to associate with a religion that teaches hatred that doesn't live one's life according to their standard. Religion should not be about hate but about love. I gave up religion and renounced my Christianity after the election of DJT. Like many, I asked if God does exist then why would He/She allow this evil vile man to lead our country? It also led to me thinking that God doesn't exist since this Orange Orangutan as I commonly refer to him being elected to such a respected office. So I find it extremely difficult to being loyal to a country that I was born in. I am embarrassed in being an American being that my country is the laughing stock of the entire world. I understand if this day is hard for many. Leave any commits on your feelings of this day if you feel inspired to. K?
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
" 20TH HS REUNION WHILE TRANSITIONING"
Now going to one's HS reunion can cause one great angst. Now imagine how one would feel that their gender identity and what reactions would be from their high school class would be when your eyes connect with theirs. Every day it got closer to my 20th HS Reunion I was becoming more and more anxious. When it came to the actual day of my 20th HS Reunion (June 24th) I was a real bottle of nerves. When I was running around taking care of business to get ready for my big day I was in no mood to talking to anyone. My mind was running a million miles a second. I had a lot to do to get ready. Luckily a day before I managed to get my old nail polish off but still had to put new polish on. I had to get my face prepped for makeup so I had to shave. I also had to shower and pick out my outfit for my big day. I also I am also in the middle of transitioning from living in one apartment to another which made it all the harder but still manageable. I have clothes over at my old place that I needed to fetch to take with me to my new place and my only transportation for the day was by bus. So it took a lot of time so that made me even more anxious. I also had to see someone that makes me upset on a typical day but makes it worse when I am so tensed up. So anyways arriving home I had a lot to do to get ready for my big day. So I took off my clothes that I was wearing being that I didn't want to get my clothes messed up with nail polish plus it is not what I was wearing for my big night. I put on my Gel Red nail polish which takes quite amount of time to dry so waiting is what I had to do which made me even more nervous. I was wanting to have enough time to get all ready for the bus ride down town to which my reunion was at. Once my nail polish was dry I had to hop into the shower and wash my hair and body to smell all pretty for my big night. But before showering I had to shave my face twice to get as much facial hair off me as possible so it would be smooth enough for applying my makeup. I then showered as quickly as possible. I quickly dried my actual hair so I could put it in a ponytail and tuck it under my wig cap to secure it as my actual hair is not quite ready for an appearance without giving me away that I am trans. I was also nervous because I was trying a new makeup trick for those that are trans and have not had their facial hair removed through electrolysis or through laser hair removal. I tried red lipstick on my more prominent areas where I can still grow facial hair and blend it to my skin and put on concealer which really does work. I then put on BB Cream over my face to blend it all into one product and after that I couldn't even tell that I had to shave period, so it does work. I then put on my blush and mascara on with my eyeliner and curled my eyelashes and put on extra mascara on my top lashes. I then put on my lipstick and filled in my eyebrows and put on my wig after getting dressed. Unlike like typical trans women I can pull off wearing a tank without looking like a man and put on my pencil skirt but not my heels till arriving at my destination. So I wore my flats till arriving at my destination as walking around in heels I would not suggest doing. Now luckily I got to where I needed to catch the bus to get downtown in time to find my place that I needed to be at. Being someone like myself who is directionally challenged I managed to get my location mixed up and panick set inside me. I quickly set a FB Private Message to a friend who I felt would know where I needed to be and forgot all about Google Maps which is not usually me but on this day I did forget. I finally arrived to where my big night was to take place. I was feeling quite anxious at this time so I ordered a drink to calm my nerves down. Luckily I was early enough not a lot of people from my class arrived. There was only a few and I quickly calmed down till they arrived. I am so glad that my drink I had relaxed me enough that I didn't show my fear. No one misgendered me or "Dead-named" me and all that I was nervous about was for not. I had a great time and when I got home after leaving my emotions started rushing. I cried happy tears and that lasted a couple of days. Looking back at my time which I had a blast. The very reason my transition is such a great experience is because of all the love and support I receive. Though I lost most of my family due to religious reasons my transition is going great. I have an awesome support from so many friends and friends that I met either in person or online that keep me moving further to my desired point in my transition. If you are looking for advice in coming out and transitioning I am here for you. Just ask K?
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"Coming Out as Pansexual While Transitioning"
Well this week (June 19, 2017) which is a Monday I came out yet again. This week of my coming out was a rememberable one being that it was the week of my 20th HS class reunion. This is not the 1st time of me coming out. The 1st time I came out as both trans and lesbian. Now let that sink in for a moment. Imagine both identifying as both a woman and being attracted to women. Well for one being assigned male at birth according to my genitalia and being attracted to women make one's head not being able to grasp that concept. Then there another time that I came out as a bisexual. Finally being able to admit publicly I am attracted to men. Now that one took quite the time to admit because I trained myself back when puberty hit that I wasn't suppose to be attracted to men because the bible says that I am going straight to hell that was taught to me. All those years I was simply being brainwashed just like my parents before me. People like my parents equate transsexuality or gender identity is the same as sexual orientation. Like them I have been taught there was only male and female that what we were telled that we are that we are supposed to only be atttracted to those opposite of us. Like for me since I was raised as male that I am supposed to only be attracted to women and to go outside of any of that I was going straight to hell. Gender identity is more of a spectrum and so is sexual orientation but try to prove that to Fundamentalistic Christians with scientific facts and they ignore it. They say the devil and his followers want you to believe that so you will stray from God. So with that and what the election bringing us Donald J. Trump I have become an Atheist. So anyone struggling their identities you will get to where you need to be in your time, so take it slow. K?
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"A TIME OF REFLECTION ON MY TRANSITION JOURNEY"
Looking back to where my journey began it seems in some ways a long time ago but that is because living my daily life it feels natural and correct. On June 4th 2017 I have once again pondered what this journey has been quite the roller coaster ride of emotions. June 6th this coming Tuesday it marks 4 years when my journey starts officially when I went part time as Sara, a scared little girl. August 6th is when I went full time 4 yrs ago to that very day. Living my life as the girl or woman that I identify as has made me happier than ever before. I am no where today even thinking of suicide though I do here and there get depressed but I am not even thinking how life would be better off without me living. I recently celebrated 25 months of HRT(Hormone Replacement Therapy) as in this past April, 22, 2017. In fact I am working on finishing my journey as in GCS(Gender Confirmation Surgery). After having almost all of my IDs changed to Sara Ashley Cole, Female on them I have been looking to how I am going to finish my transition. All I have left in my IDs is the hardest part, my Arizona Birth Certificate which is why I have left it to my lawyers to work on so I can focus on the rest of my transition. At the beginning of my journey I often compared myself to other trans girls or for that matter cisgender females as well. By comparing myself to other girls I found myself being depressed because I would see myself not matching up or my head would get too big. Now I only compare myself to where my journey began. I on the regular basis see where I am at in my journey and where I am going and so I inspire myself.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers Trans Equality
"SOMEWHERE I BELONG"
Ever since I have known both my gender identity and sexual orientation I have felt that I do not belong in this life. It is as I was an alien and that no one wanted me for who I am and that is where my depression began. The more I was being who I was the more depressed and angry I had become. The more depressed that I became the more I didn't care that Iived or died. I began letting my life unravel. I became self destructive like when I didn't care if I could keep a job. With every job that I left I went to another job but it didn't take long for me to lose yet another job. I would do another activity that was another self destructive in nature and it got me high without taking any drugs. I would run out in front of cars seeing how less of time I could run out in front of cars without getting hit. The more I ran out in front of cars the last very second the higher I became. But looking back when I was doing that I now know that is was a huge cry for help. Back then I didn't care if I lived or died. But today I am much happier living my life authentically. I am no longer trying to be the man that the world sees me as and tried to have me live as. Ever since June 6th of 2013 I am only being who I know myself to be and it doesn't matter what the world says. I am being me and no one else.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"DEALING WITH THE EXTREMES OF MEN"
For me dealing with men and me transitioning from male to female I face the extremes on both sides from men. Last Tuesday, April 25th I was doing what I normally do which is after attending a Trans support group at my local library I walked to the bus terminal which was not out of the ordinary. I walked through inside of the terminal when this African American who had dirty dreads and reaped of alcohol on his breathe called out to me and asked me my name and I walked to the outside to go wait for my bus to come and pick me up to take me home. Shortly after I came outside he and his buddy were trying to call me over where they were smoking but I made excuses to not come over being that I didn't feel easy going over to them. But when the bus driver came to let us in he came to the bus and forced himself to sit next to me and proceeded to put his hand up my sexy yellow dress with sunflowers and my black tights and caress my legs and even put his right arm around my waist which allowed him to touch me on my butt and scooted me closer to him. He evaded my privacy and to this day I feel violated. I have not been taught how to deal with problems like this because I was and had once upon a time tried living my life as a male. When he violated me I simply froze and said nothing for him to stop because I was afraid. I never said anything to anyone around me or to the bus driver and let him get away with his dirty deeds. It took me talking about what happened to me to my boss, my co cashier and other coworkers and another bus driver to get me to call the bus company and I left a voicemail for them which they never have returned and called the police less than 24 hrs after the incident occurred and reported all the facts and they went over the video on the bus and even went to have a chat with the man but left without incident being that they had not enough video evidence. So if I had called the police right away I could have gotten him arrested. So the next time him or anyone else does something similar I will take action right away instead. I did nothing to deserve this. It is not because I am trans and doing wrong by transitioning which social conservatives and Fundamentalist Christians would say. In fact he didn't and doesn't know that I am trans. Now I did get lucky by him not touching me in the southern mid section or I would not be writing this to you because he would would found out that I have a little extra. I didn't dress the way I wanted so I can get violated. It was all of his doing. Men need to control themselves.
Now the other end of spectrum with me and men is having to deal with their insecurities. Monday after working all day I got off the bus at my apartment where this low life man and his now ex girlfriend whom had been arguing and I didn't get involved he still proceeded to verbally assaulted me with homophobic and transphobic slurs which lead me to feeling scared for my life and I proceeded to run down the hall till I got to the stairs and run to my apartment and lock the down behind me as fast as possible. My heart pounding as though it felt like my heart would come through my chest shows just how scared I was and still for my life. He is capable of anything and I continue to act with caution. Now unlike the previous action he didn't do enough to me as I am experienced with dealing with the police on things like this I know they will not act on it unless he at the very least leaves marks on me. I am starting to really consider in moving to another apartment because the environment is negative and also not safe for trans people. Also knowing that trans woman below me is also planning on moving to California is also another motivation for me to move as well. I need a place to live where I can inspire those new in the trans community and this place can't even inspire me if I continue to live there. Why do are men so insecure to their own manhood and or sexuality? Ever since the Trump administration people feel licensed to discriminate anyone in the LGBTQ+ community so we need to stay vigilint. Take the proper precautions to make sure you and your loved ones are safe please!!! Anyways if anyone knows of anyone that is or was going through something similar or you are please email us at [email protected]
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Now the other end of spectrum with me and men is having to deal with their insecurities. Monday after working all day I got off the bus at my apartment where this low life man and his now ex girlfriend whom had been arguing and I didn't get involved he still proceeded to verbally assaulted me with homophobic and transphobic slurs which lead me to feeling scared for my life and I proceeded to run down the hall till I got to the stairs and run to my apartment and lock the down behind me as fast as possible. My heart pounding as though it felt like my heart would come through my chest shows just how scared I was and still for my life. He is capable of anything and I continue to act with caution. Now unlike the previous action he didn't do enough to me as I am experienced with dealing with the police on things like this I know they will not act on it unless he at the very least leaves marks on me. I am starting to really consider in moving to another apartment because the environment is negative and also not safe for trans people. Also knowing that trans woman below me is also planning on moving to California is also another motivation for me to move as well. I need a place to live where I can inspire those new in the trans community and this place can't even inspire me if I continue to live there. Why do are men so insecure to their own manhood and or sexuality? Ever since the Trump administration people feel licensed to discriminate anyone in the LGBTQ+ community so we need to stay vigilint. Take the proper precautions to make sure you and your loved ones are safe please!!! Anyways if anyone knows of anyone that is or was going through something similar or you are please email us at [email protected]
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"CELEBRATING 2 YRS ON HRT"
Looking back years ago when I made the decision to seek being on HRT to where I am my journey looks like a whirlwind. A lot has happened these back 2 yrs. I have not only changed physically, I have changed spiritually, emotionally. Transitioning has been the best decision that I have done. I am today much more stable and happier. Finally being able to be myself freely is so rewarding. I have made a lot of progress these past 2 years. I am closer to the end then at the beginning. Coming out lead to me finally living out my life being real. Socially transitioning was a great start but I knew deep down I wanted more. So I sought out therapy so I can start hormones but that was good enough for a while but I want so much more. I am still working on having Gender Reassignment Surgery but had to work on the legality first. But the legal stuff all behind me well all but my birth certificate from my birth state, Arizona. More on that later. Getting my driver's license with both my name change and gender marker done after having the court rule in favor of my name and gender marker change. My social security changed my name in their records. Though my card doesn't show my gender on it, it is in their records of being a female. After getting those changed to reflect who I am I went to my bank to show them and now I am Sara Ashley Cole and seeing that on my debit card feels so rewarding. I then went to my apartment where I live and showed them my ID and now I am in their system as being who I am truly. I went to my HR at my job and presented my ID and now I am 100% in their system as Sara Ashley Cole, a female as well. So now I am working towards my GCS(Gender Confirmation Surgery) and my BA(Breast Augmentation). After 2 years of being on hormones the breast stop growing so I am now going to be planning that in the future. If I had to do it all over again, I would say HELL YES!!! I maybe change like doing it sooner rather than later. If I had transitioned at 25 I would have more hair now then having to wear wigs and I could have stopped the "testosterone poisoning" as some I have heard called it so that is the term that I use from now on. Transitioning may have lead to me losing my family but it liberated me. It has taught me to love more fully. I have opened my heart to Muslims, to being gay or lesbian or being bisexual or pansexual. I have learned from a minority's perspective how life is cruel to us. By accepting minorities my life is better then not accepting of the others. I had always accepted African Americans, Latinos and Asians so that is why I did not include them earlier. My transitioning has been really good to me. Now transitioning has not been all rainbows and unicorns there have been growing pains. Transitioning allows me to finally go through the correct puberty. My first puberty was wrong but this time it is better though not perfect. I thought I was going to skip going through periods but that is not accurate. Though I do not go through periods I am not exempt from their symptoms. Every month I get to go through it all over again. This part of being a woman is not my favorite and far from it. I hate going through my time of month but I do find ways to cope. I now know why Chocolate is a girl's best friend. I find having a Mocha Frappuccino from Starbucks very soothing when I am going through my time of month. If anyone reading this knows of anyone who identifies a different gender then they were assigned at birth or if this describes you we here at Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality encourage you to or that someone to contact us at [email protected]. We here hope this helps you and that you or that someone feels lost in who they are. K?
-Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"WE THE TRANS AREN'T MONSTERS"
Ever since I came out as a trans female I have had heard so many allegations against my community. We are accused of being child molesters. Much like the LGBTQ+ were accused of being child molesters. The so-called "Christian Right" want to keep the reigns to how the world around them lives. They are the ones that created the Patriotic system where men have the authority and that women have to be submissive to them. They created the binary system which they think there is only men and women. I have been told to me that it doesn't matter how much estrogen I take or it doesn't matter how many surgeries I have that I will always be a man just one that is mutilated. No matter how much scientific evidence you give them to prove just how wrong they are they just simply dismiss it and say how evil scientists are. They cherry pick what scriptures in what I call a Fairy tale book, the bible out to use against people like me. I had been naive and thinking the world around me is changing and in the right direction. I had thought that the world was being more accepting of girls like me but the election season proved to me just how wrong I was. When I clearly saw that Donald J. Trump was slowly becoming the clear winner of the nation's highest office, president I knew that I was just being plain ole naive. Seeing that Trump was going to win I felt the hatred towards the LGBTQ+ community especially my trans community I can see that those that identify as Republicans were clearly armed with hatred. When they went to the polls to vote for Trump they were erasing girls like me of our identities. I felt the personal pain of what the election means to my existence. They clearly want me to be erased. They are constantly erasing our identities or should I say trying to. In order for me to live my life openly and authentically I have to be out in the world living out my life. I go to work, shop and even attend church. But in order to do these like others I may have to do something that everyone else is doing what is basic and that is go to the restroom. Now what bathroom do I use? I identify as a woman just one that so happens one that is trans. I am a pre op trans which means that I have not had surgery but I am on hormones. I have been on hormones for more than long enough that I am hormonely a woman; just one that has genitalia down south that has what men have. But luckily for me I had my name and gender marker changed and had the records on me when I had tried to be a man sealed so I am in the clear from that stand point but others in my community are not so fortunate like me. Luckily I qualified that I make under the maximum that I was able to acquire a lawyer, "Pro Bono" to assist me in having my name and gender marker changed and my male records sealed. After having my name and gender marker changed I went to the Social Security office to get my new Social Security office and then to the BMV to have a new Driver's License issued to me with my new name and gender marker. But a lot of the trans community is not so lucky. Now I am working towards my Gender Conformation Surgery and I am lucky that I have an employer that has insurance that will assist me in trans related health which "YES" includes allowing me to have surgery that I so desperately need. A lot of people may compromise in what it takes to being allowed to have access to their gender identity as long as they have had Gender Conformation Surgery. But a lot do not have any resources to be able to have this surgery. So a lot of my community is out of luck when it comes to having access to the restroom that is aligned with their gender identity. This so-called Bathroom issues affect more than my community it effectively polices just who is granted access to the bathroom one uses. Cisgender women who do not look feminine enough will also not have access to the female bathrooms just because they do not fit someone's ideal women. This is exactly why right now I do not have a relationship with religion though I still go to my Progressive church. I may still attend church but it is for community because those that attend at my church know that I am trans and accept it and do not try to make an attempt to change me. I go there because they support me in my journey and simply show me love that I feel resembles what "True Christianity" looks like but it is because of fundamentalism that I do not believe in God. They are the ones that push a lot away from Christianity. Instead of having more people turn to their God and their narrow-minded theology to get them more butts in the seats their attendance is slowly dying. People are getting wiser and seeing their hypocrisy for just what it is as it looks like which turns many away. They wonder why they can't attract many to their church? Well I wonder why. Hmm. I never knew why before they couldn't get more members and why people were leaving but since my coming out I now understand as I see how they treat those that do not live their lives by their terms and not the individual's. My old church, the Elders, preacher and my own dad I saw were coming to my old apartment to confront me about what they say living a life that God seemly doesn't approve of. I was on my way home when I still had my car and on my way I saw my old Preacher, the elders and my dear ole dad all headed to my old apartment and I was afraid. At the time of my coming out I was unemployed and my parents were assisting me paying for my rent but that all went away the day I came out. Tired from the LGBTQ+ event that I just attended and intended to head home to rest I saw them heading to my apartment I ran to the Unemployment office to wait them out so I can go home without them trying to get me to see what they see as an error of my ways as they see it a sin. That is why I broke up with my religion entirely right after the election. Growing up in a Christian Conservative Fundamentalist house they teach about love and how God is love but when push comes to shove it is completely the opposite. They show hatred for anyone that doesn't live their life on their terms. Their subtle language that one doesn't realize that you are being brainwashed. I didn't know I was being brainwashed till I realized that I identified as a woman. When I realized that I had a huge disconnect in my assigned sex it is when I started to realize that I had been brainwashed. In my old church when a preacher is not charismatic they are fired. When attendance drops and people not getting baptized that is when the preacher is not effective anymore and he is fired. Anyways they teach that being gay or lesbian or bisexual is a lifestyle choice and is therefore being willful sinning or rebelling against God. They have claimed that those in the LGB Community are a danger to women and children that they are perverted and unnatural. Now I said that this is how they are those LGB and I am not either a lesbian, gay or bi. I am though trans and they say the same about trans women that is. That is why the whole so-called "bathroom bill" is being the focus by those that hate on the LGBTQ+ community. They are trying to force girls like me to go back to being men. They equate to one being trans is the same as being gay but that is wrong. Gender identity is one's eternal sense of who they are whether it being a man, woman or anything in between or nothing at all. So them not showing compassion and judging without getting to know me for instance is what makes them look hateful. They say girls like me are evil but they fail to recognize in their own book, the bible that it says to not judge which to me says they are evil.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"UPDATE ON MY TRANSITION JOURNEY"
Well I have been on this transition journey as in me being on HRT(Hormone Replacement Therapy) for now 1 Yr, 11 months and 3 days and it has been quite the world wind. Before getting on HRT I started transitioning socially and that started June 6th of 2013 which was me being Sara part time. I started being me part time 3 yrs, 9 months and 18 days ago. I started being me on the full time basis 3 yrs 7 months and 18 days ago. They call it transitioning because one gradually goes living as one person to another. There is a lot that I have done in my transition and it feels great accomplishing all that I have done. I could have never thought I would get as far as I have but here I sit in the cusp of my journey coming to a completion. Being on hormones was a huge accomplishment. Just being on hormones it felt the weight of the world getting a little lighter and making me comfortable for who I am. Before being put on hormone the urge of wanting to attempt suicide came quite frequently. But ever since being on HRT the urges of wanting to attempt suicide has completely subsided. While I still go through bouts of depression I no longer want to end it all. I have learned a whole lot to along the way. I have become a more loving woman. I have Muslim friends along with gay, lesbian, and bisexual friends. These people I would have never been friends with but here I see them all as people and ones who deserve love and respect just like anyone else. Growing up in the kind of home that I did I hated anyone being Muslim, gay, lesbian, bisexual and yes, trans people. But since my coming out long ago I have changed more than physically. I have changed as a person. I am happier, loving, and Social Justice minded. I am constantly talking politics. Before I would only talk politics during the election and a little after. Before of my coming out I was leaning more and more to the left. Though I identified as a Moderate leaning right I was before a Republican and now I am a Socialist Democrat. I also care a great deal about wanting to achieve Gender Equality, meaning I am a Feminist. Before of my coming out I was really passionate about sports such as Football, Basketball, and Baseball all in that order and though I do enjoy watching sports I am not obsessed about sports back before coming out now. Anyways I have gotten to another huge accomplishment which I had my name and gender marker changed and now have my records when I tried being a male all sealed. I have my Social Security Card changed to my new legal name and in their system I am a female. I then got my Driver's License with my new legal name and gender marker. Seeing Sara Ashley Cole, female just moved me emotionally that I cried happy tears. Knowing just how much hard work I had put into my transition and knowing where I came from really amazes me. What made my transition really successful was how I started it all. I came out to those that I felt would most likely accept me which made my support that I knew I would need then I did the really hard thing which was coming out to my parents and my sister which they all washed their hands of me which I expected and it still stings. My dad took it a whole lot further and had me taken off their Will. My dad proceeded to take it a step further which at the time my parents were assisting me with my bills seeming that I was between jobs and got me homeless. I became homeless at the worse time which was in the dead of winter. I bounced around between homeless shelters, friend's places, friends paying for a motel and camping out for 9 months. Day to day I didn't know if I would make it to the next day. I have been threatened to be murdered, beaten up. I have had 4 attempts to being raped which thankfully they failed. Having a friend of my old church help me before becoming homeless get on Section 8 helped along the way. The wait list was long but after a long while it helped me being able to find a place to live so I started looking for a place and found one. Being stable led me in a couple of months land a perfect landing place for employment. That job was starting a policy for trans people so that has truly helped me in ways that make it emotional for me as I am only typing it here and it is making cry happy tears. I have a job that has insurance and working 40 hrs a week for 9 or so months a year which allows me to pay for hormones. Having a lawyer assist me in my name and gender marker change Pro Bono being that I make under the amount to having assistance helped tremendously as well. Thinking where it all started to where I am sitting makes it so worth all the pain that I had to endure. What I had to endure has made the strong woman I am today. I have so much confidence in who I am today I know with all of my heart I can do anything that I put my mind to. By also enduring homelessness while socially transitioning I use what I learned how to survive. I am now planning my Gender Conformation Surgery which really excites me in so many ways.Besides surgery all I need to complete my transition is laser hair removal down south which is required by my surgery that I picked out, my laser hair removal from my face so I can appear more feminine as that is all that I feel I need to look female. I do not feel that I need FFS(Facial Feminization Surgery) as hormones have really feminized my facial features. So all I need to make me feel comfortable is have my beard completely removed so I can't grow it or shave it ever again. Another step I need is to see a Psychiatrist to have an evaluation and make sure I know what I will be going through and get them to know me so they can sign off on my 2nd letter for my surgeon of which I already have one of them. One last surgery that I am planning on having is Breast Augmentation or what the world commonly refers to getting a "Boob Job." Though my breasts have grown since being on hormones I still want bigger. I do not want them bigger just to get men but that also would help. I want to be more of a C Cup as I do not want to be too big but at the same time I do not want them to be the size that I am currently though it is a great start. I also do not want them to be too big as it would further the back pains that I am having because of me getting older. This being my last months of being in my thirties I want to get my transition over as fast as possible. I have been through a lot to get to where I am where I am at right now. If I had to do it all over again I so would no matter what. It may have cost me a lot but I have gained so much more along the way. If anyone knowing of anyone or if you have questioned whether that you identify different then the sex that you were assigned at birth please get a hold of me. I may not get back with you right away but I will get back with you. Feel free to contact me at [email protected]. I no that I couldn't transition successfully like I have without those that offered me advise along my path of self discovery. Thank you for letting me share my testimony of how my transition is going. Have a marvy weekend. Life is not all rainbows and unicorns but you are beautiful just the way you are...
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Advocate, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Advocate, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"being trans and struggling with my faith"
Ever since the election of Donald J. Trump as President of the United States of America my faith in a god has completely gone down in flames. Now before the election my faith was almost lost. The time before my faith almost was consumed when my parents and sister choose their religion over my own happiness. I knew that my family and their religious viewpoint and how one should live their lives was so when I came out to myself I knew my fate was sealed. I knew they would see my gender identity and have it confused with one's sexual orientation. They think that I am not really trans or that it exists so they view me as a hyper gay man wearing women's clothes. So anyways when the election happened I already knew they voted to extinguish my identity which of course is a Straight Queer Trans woman. Now I know identifyg as both straight and queer are confusing but that is how I identify as and let me explain. K? I am mostly straight but there is one girl that could draw my lesbianism out so I am mostly straight. I identify as Queer because I do not belong in the hetero normative world being that I am trans and there are some people who refuse to see me as a woman and with my attraction to men almost exclusively they see me as a gay man. I also identify as Queer because it is also a political identity and plus we in the LGBTQ community have reclaimed it because has been used as a negative term used as a derogative term to demean anyone in their eyes is not the norm. So anyways ever since the election where a lot of people went to the polls armed with their hatred and bigotry to try and disarm the LGBT and Trans Communities with all the progress we had made in the Obama administration. They went with the intent to erase our identities in the trans community feeling that we need to go to corrective therapy because we are damaged and that we need to be repaired. They feel that we need God and that angers me. I feel if there is a God then God let Trump win but to me my faith is so destroyed that I do not believe in God, that heaven and hell were created by man to control people on how they should live their lives and that the little black book is just a fairy tale book that they are acting like little children believing like they do believe in Santa Clause but in an adult context. They believe in an Old man with a very long gray and straggly beard that is ready to strike someone down when they do wrong. So my parents and sister made my faith waiver but never to the point to where it completely disappeared but the election results did. Though I am an Atheist I go to my Progressive Church, First United Church in Bloomington, IN. They do not mind that I am an Atheist because they know why. I am trying daily to regain what I lost and I know it may never come back but willing to try. They do not mind that I am an Atheist. I know a lot of us in the Trans community have either lost their faith and quite possibly regained it so I would more than welcome to take any advice how I may regain my faith. I also know that some may have advice how I can regain it and are an ally to the LGBT/Trans Communities. If you know of anyone that is Trans and lost their faith and regained it please feel free to direct them to me and share their advice with me. Thank you and Happy Holidays to you all that have supported my webpage. I hope that I have educated what transsexualism looks like through my experiences. Like everyone else we are simply people struggling to make it in this life as painless as possible and each one of us have unique experiences and mine just so happens to be one of a Straight Queer Trans Woman who is a Democrat Socialist Atheist who attends a Progressive Church. Have a fabulous week too as well and if you are a student I wish you good luck on your upcoming Finals.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole,
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality,
Human Rights Advocate/Trans Advocate/LGBT Advocate
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole,
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality,
Human Rights Advocate/Trans Advocate/LGBT Advocate
"being lgbt during the holidays"
For a lot of us being LGBT and during the holidays is a very hard time of year. For me that is so true. Just walking around and seeing families enjoy themselves together in perfect harmony reminds me that I am apart from my family. I am apart from my family all because I came out as a trans female on June 22nd of 2013. My family choose their religion and their religious interpretation on how one should live out their life over my happiness. They would rather see me suffer from my gender identity conflict than for me to live out my truth which would make me happy. They see someone that is a trans female as really a super feminine gay man. They equate gender identity is the same as sexual orientation. But gender identity is how one sees their self which is for me for an example, a female. Sexual orientation is who one is attracted to which for me is a man which makes me a straight trans female but for them that makes me gay. Even if they saw me as a female and if I were attracted to women then that would make me a lesbian. So either way in their minds I am a sinner and that see me being active makes me a condemned person that is going straight to hell unless I stop and detransition and beg for forgiveness. Being that they feel I need forgiveness means that see me needing correction as though in their eyes I am broken. Ever since the election of Donald J. Trump as the US President I know it is because of people like them that is because they are "Christian." I know though I go to church, a Progressive one that I found my faith increasing but now since the election it is at an all-time low. Since November 8th I have been identifying as an Atheist. If there is a god, and if that said god made me a trans female and I am going to hell for acting on it then why would I serve that god? If there is a god, then why did that god allow someone like Donald J. Trump that is so hell bent in stopping the LGBT and trans people like myself get elected President? I feel totally left unprotected ever since the election and the holidays remind me that my parents never loved me. I feel so betrayed by my parents and my sister and all alone because they took their hate out on me and voted for that evil and vile man, Donald J. Trump. The holidays I still feel are all about families and most of mine have deserted me and so I feel so unloved by them that is why I feel all alone. I know I have a chosen family that loves and supports me and that helps most of the year but during the holidays I am completely alone without them. I am doing all that I can to stay afloat and I even bought some Christmas earrings and one little decoration. I know that is a start because I could not have even done that a year ago and this year I have. So it is baby steps for me. I kow that a lot of that are LGBT are feeling this way this time of year and I am writing this for not just me but for them. They are not alone in this struggle I am with them too. So I am not alone though I feel I am. Writing for me or in this case blogging is therapeutic so in time I will heal. They say that time heals all wounds so I feel it is taking forever for me to feel better. If any of you know of someone that is feeling blue and is LGBT and without family please I encourage you or implore you to invite them to your home so they are not alone and know that they are loved and valued and even cherished. K?
Thank you,
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
LGBT Advocate, Trans Specialist/MTF Specialist
Thank you,
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
LGBT Advocate, Trans Specialist/MTF Specialist
"THe After math of the 2016 US Election"
Like the average US citizen there was and still is so much at stake to each one us here in America from both sides. Now today I am focusing on my perspective as a trans woman. Now we know there are so many topics within being trans being talked about among the US population. Topics include from my perspective are housing, who can one marry, medical care involving transition or even basic health care. Among other areas also is employment. Now I as a Democrat trans woman I feel it is more than time to achieve rights for trans people and not more than anyone but like everyone else who is not trans or as I say the cisgenders. We are all people and it is in the law that all are allowed to achieve happiness as long as it doesn't take away rights from others. Now I know not all will agree allowing trans people to have basic rights and some say it takes away religious freedom from those who are so-called Christians. Now I refer to them as so-called Christians and that is because they act all loving till they feel offended from having to be around a trans woman such as myself because it goes against their teachings and they feel that will cause America to be like Sodom and Gomorrah which they teach is the reason why they referred destroyed by God is because of homosexuality. They equate trans-sexuality to homosexuality. Now trans-sexuality has to do with how one identifies their gender and homosexuality is being attracted to someone of the same sex. They say that one can not change their sex because God choose me for instance to be a man and that no matter how I identify as I am still in their eyes, a man which they claim can not be changed.
Now the point I am getting to is the after math of the election of Donald J. Trump as President to me has some dire consequences for me as a trans woman. It gives his supporters the licence to hate on girls like me. Seeing stories of like that of Ralayzia a trans woman in Charlotte, North Carolina being chased by teenagers with a hatchet and though she survived the attack it still both saddens me and makes me furious that they feel encouraged and allowed to commit violence towards girls like me. Now I have felt safe for the most part but today while at work I felt that discrimination towards me at my job which is supposed to be trans friendly. My boss who knows I am trans I felt safe till today he started on me from the very get go of my shift. He openly criticized me from having my credit card receipt paper being too long on my credit card machine to I am supposed to get off my phone and do my work. Now every day he had seen me on my phone and never said anything till today. I seen my coworkers all day being on their phones and he didn't say one thing to them well he did and they went back to their phones and after that one time he didn't say anything to them. They would talk to one another in casual conversations and loudly too and nothing happened. It sure seems that I am being treated very differently and just because I am different doesn't mean that I shouldn't be treated any differently. Now I am not saying that I do not have to be accepted who I am but to outright treat me with lack of disrespect is not right. He is in the position to set a good example and not be treat me as a human being. Now that is not tolerant to the University but I do not feel protected. Now I know these things are not allowed but why am I being targeted? Why is everyone allowed to do these very things and I am not? Everyone should be treated the same no matter what. This is what is the force behind this post. I feel the election now has directly affected me and it hurts me to the very core. It made me cry a lot today and off and on. My customers know when something happened when I look all sad and hardly talking. Every time something like these things happen makes me quickly and without effort think it is because I am trans. My feelings are automatic which I can't help but go to right away.
Now I have friends who are directly affected with the election of Trump as the next President. My friends are LGBT, Trans, women, Muslims, African Americans, disabled and I am so very sorry how you must feel. I know how your pain is because it is also my pain. For those who can't find their voice I am your voice and I will not be silenced or put back in my closet. This fight is so worth it and I will do anything that is legal to achieve it no matter the cost I will fight for you all. It maybe a set back and a big one at that but I will everything in my power to make sure it will not last more than 4 yrs. Half way through his being President I will make sure that the House and Senate go to the Democrats who will block everything he can do to hurt us. I will champion our fight and help change the heart of the nation to help achieve the equality we had coming during Obama's years in office. Letter writing will be in my future much more than in the past to grab the attention of those who represent or should I say should represent all and not just the majority. Love you all and keep up the fight and show some love to someone who is hurting right now and give yourself a big hug. We will be okay as I know I will. It may not be today but it will come again you can bet on that. K? Love you all. You are all beautiful to me in your own and unique way. As Hillary Clinton stated and I agree so much we are much stronger together...
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
All Human Rights Advocate
Now the point I am getting to is the after math of the election of Donald J. Trump as President to me has some dire consequences for me as a trans woman. It gives his supporters the licence to hate on girls like me. Seeing stories of like that of Ralayzia a trans woman in Charlotte, North Carolina being chased by teenagers with a hatchet and though she survived the attack it still both saddens me and makes me furious that they feel encouraged and allowed to commit violence towards girls like me. Now I have felt safe for the most part but today while at work I felt that discrimination towards me at my job which is supposed to be trans friendly. My boss who knows I am trans I felt safe till today he started on me from the very get go of my shift. He openly criticized me from having my credit card receipt paper being too long on my credit card machine to I am supposed to get off my phone and do my work. Now every day he had seen me on my phone and never said anything till today. I seen my coworkers all day being on their phones and he didn't say one thing to them well he did and they went back to their phones and after that one time he didn't say anything to them. They would talk to one another in casual conversations and loudly too and nothing happened. It sure seems that I am being treated very differently and just because I am different doesn't mean that I shouldn't be treated any differently. Now I am not saying that I do not have to be accepted who I am but to outright treat me with lack of disrespect is not right. He is in the position to set a good example and not be treat me as a human being. Now that is not tolerant to the University but I do not feel protected. Now I know these things are not allowed but why am I being targeted? Why is everyone allowed to do these very things and I am not? Everyone should be treated the same no matter what. This is what is the force behind this post. I feel the election now has directly affected me and it hurts me to the very core. It made me cry a lot today and off and on. My customers know when something happened when I look all sad and hardly talking. Every time something like these things happen makes me quickly and without effort think it is because I am trans. My feelings are automatic which I can't help but go to right away.
Now I have friends who are directly affected with the election of Trump as the next President. My friends are LGBT, Trans, women, Muslims, African Americans, disabled and I am so very sorry how you must feel. I know how your pain is because it is also my pain. For those who can't find their voice I am your voice and I will not be silenced or put back in my closet. This fight is so worth it and I will do anything that is legal to achieve it no matter the cost I will fight for you all. It maybe a set back and a big one at that but I will everything in my power to make sure it will not last more than 4 yrs. Half way through his being President I will make sure that the House and Senate go to the Democrats who will block everything he can do to hurt us. I will champion our fight and help change the heart of the nation to help achieve the equality we had coming during Obama's years in office. Letter writing will be in my future much more than in the past to grab the attention of those who represent or should I say should represent all and not just the majority. Love you all and keep up the fight and show some love to someone who is hurting right now and give yourself a big hug. We will be okay as I know I will. It may not be today but it will come again you can bet on that. K? Love you all. You are all beautiful to me in your own and unique way. As Hillary Clinton stated and I agree so much we are much stronger together...
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
All Human Rights Advocate
"The cost of transitioning"
Every so often I do an honest look at my journey and this one made me the most emotional I have ever been. There had been some locked up memories of my earlier childhood that were not accessible being that they were way too painful for me to acknowledge. When I was a little kid there was a time of a year that my parents had me makeup a wishlist for Christmas and I wanted very badly to put on it Barbies, Barbie's Dream house, My little Ponies, Rainbow Brite and a doll with a stroller for it but knowing how my dad would feel and say I put on that list what would be approved by him. In middle school I had a dream of a certain outfit that was a long sleeved green top with a red ruffle skirt and booties and was at the time confused why I had that dream but remembered a few years ago why which I know of my female identity. I would also be in my bedroom and lock the door and quietly pretend that I was pregnant. Yeah I have always wanted to be pregnant and be a mother. From a earlier age I have always known what kind of wedding I have wanted and what I want in the man that I would marry. Now what he would look like may have changed through time but the kind has never changed. I had tried to be a man the world that still tries to see me as and the harder that I tried the more it hurt me deeply. When I was younger I had friends that were boys but the older that I got the scales tipped as in had would have more friends that were girls then boys. Boys would push me away because they would see me being weak and the girls would see me as not a threat. Girls would not date me and the ones that would not last either seeing me as either gay or that they didn't identify as a lesbian. One girl in my church camp as a youth wanted so very badly to put my hair in a ponytail and I was not sure why but now I figured she saw me as a girl. When puberty hit I had my female identity hid for years but would go on to notice my attraction to boys but was confused because the gay label didn't fit me. I made sure really hard that I was attracted to girls. I looked at girls differently the boys do. I looked to them as I have women for all of my life. I was secretly watching them for fashion guidance and watched my mom do makeup and her nails. I knew deep down that one day I would have the courage to be myself though subconsciously. All these memories have finally been unlocked and after doing this thinking I was crying uncontrollably as I noticed the guilt and shame I carried literally for decades. I was taught any of these feelings were shameful. Yeah I even was not able to grow a beard during this time early till after high school because I shaved even when I didn't need to and now I pay for that as every day and night I shave to keep my face clean and feminine like I want to. I hid for years and now I do not. If anyone is struggling with their gender identity or if you know of anyone please send them my way...K? Sara Ashlee Cole
"The conclusion of a chapter of a trans woman's journey"
When the journey began long ago I thought I would not make it far. I thought it would no go far because of the family that I was raised in. Before my coming out family met the world to me and knowing if they knew my little secret that I would lose them swiftly. I knew that their religion played an all important part of their life and every decision revolved around it. So knowing how they would react made me really afraid. I was afraid that I would lose them and more importantly I would lose them. I learned from early on in life that one being LGBT that they reject anyone identifying as such. Being gay in the modern day is quite common today but not being a woman in a man's body. Those kind of people see gender identity and sexual orientation one in the same. But gender identity and sexual orientation are not even close to being related. They are two separate identities. Gender identity is how one sees their idea of gender. Another term that is not familiar to many is gender expression. Gender expression is how one expresses their gender. My gender identity is female and my gender expression is feminine. Now not every women and I am including all women is not feminine. When I say women I am taking into fact cisgender women and trans women. Not every woman is feminine. For example there is women that are masculine. I do not force my femininity but allow it to be natural. My journey didn't start great at all and in fact not well after coming out to my family. Now before coming out to my family I started it very slowly. I started coming out to those that would most likely accept me as I am.
"uNIQUE PERSPECTIVES OF A TRANS FEMALE"
The longer and longer I transition to my true gender, one that is female; the more self reflection I do. Transitioning from one gender to another does give a unique perspective but one doesn't really know just how much till one dwells on that. Now I have been on HRT now for 1 Yr, 2 Months and 22 days and have been socially transitioning from male to female now for 2 Yrs, 11 Months and 7 days. Now when I mention socially transitioning I mean simply living as the gender I identify as without hormones. Now that is more than being a crossdresser as I do not live my life or identify as a man. It took me quite awhile to go from socially transitioning to HRT. It took me a while because after before and right after coming out I knew I would have to come out to my parents and I knew for certain that I would be disowned for transitioning. You see I knew they would disown me knowing that they would see a trans female as the same as being gay. Now I know they are wrong but knew that is how they would see me. I grew up knowing that since they are fundamentalist Christians which are also conservative that they believe and taught that being gay is wrong as in it to them it is a sin.
I did everything in my power to be who they saw me as. I tried convincing myself that I was really a boy then a man and my whole revolved around that concept. I tried surviving life and transformed an identity that I thought would help me be able to live and survive. I surrounded myself with like minded people of my parents and family. So I was a Republican, a Fundamentalist, straight and did everything I could to be masculine and hoped I would fix myself. I knew all of my life I was different but since being taught that kind of different was a sin in God's eyes that I had to fix myself so I would not go straight to hell. By the time puberty hit I realized that men got my attention and if I was a man that was wrong. Now even though I do not think that being gay is wrong I didn't identify that way. I thought why then am I attracted to men then? Hmmm. I had to cover this up till I could change myself so I could avoid going to hell. You see I was brainwashed into this kind of thinking. But when I realized there was a reason why I was attracted to men it all became clear to me. But before this revelation I realized I had bottled up all along that I was a woman just one that was trapped in the wrong body and the more I dwell on this, this was not going away anytime soon. I had to explore myself which is pretty scary but totally necessary at the same time. I went through lots of identities till I finally found myself who I truly know myself to be. First I identified as a lesbian being that I had taught myself to like women when I tried being a man eventually I started to ease myself into men by being bisexual but then I stopped identifying as a bisexual and that I was a straight trans woman that was only attracted to men. Now to get to the point of this post I have so many unique perspectives. One was the perspective of living my life as a man and a straight one to boot. I lived my life also a Conservative. I also tried being a fundamentalist which is what I was born into well all of them. I did all of these for purely survival. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be safe and plus no one wants to be different. One is taught at a young age that you do not want to be that kid that sticks out. So I conformed to fit into society. Society has these social constructs that one dares not go against. So I lived my life in survival mode. So I put on this mask so no one could tell I was different.
Now the first unique perspective is living my life as a man. Boys are taught that one does not show emotion except anger because men are taught to not be weak. If one dares cry or shows even happiness then he is looked less than a man. Men are taught to have a stiff upper lip so they will not cry. Men go alone in the restroom and do not go to the stall next to any man nor hold any meaningful conversation with another man. Men do not keep a clean restroom and I have seen really nasty men's restrooms in my day. Now women on the other hand are not taught to hold their emotions because they are females. Women go together in groups of at least 2 to the restroom and they will go to the stall next to another woman and they will be in conversation with another.
Now I have seen women's restrooms give men a run for their money is not being clean and that really shocked me. So I have never been able to control my emotions at all. I can cry at the drop of a hat especially to get out of a speeding ticket and without any effort. My emotions have more depth to them. I openly express how I am feeling. Whenever I am upset there is no shame in me showing tears in public and when I am upset or just having a regular conversation I talk with my hands. When I am really excited or just happy I will shrill with excitement. The more excited I am the higher my pitch in speaking I become. Plus I talk really fast when super excited. When upset my body language is enough to show how upset I am it is like I do not need words to show my disappointment.
"WHAT THE BATHROOM REALLY entailS"
The religious right are so very scared of trans people like me. There religions teach a traditional way of life and well we do not live traditionally despite what Caitlin Jenner says. She is not any way a traditionalist. Transitioning from one gender to the one identifies as is in no certain terms a traditionalist. When I came out as a trans female I knew I had a hard battle to fight on my hands and despite knowing this I still decided to transition. Conservatives and especially ones that are Fundamentalistic Christians believe that God made us the assigned sex, one that can't be changed. They teach that are bodies are different. That female bodies are completely different than male bodies. But science says that our bodies are interchangeable. What hormones do is shift body fat around, rewire our minds. They, the Religious Right feel this is a war on religion. They are desperate because they see that they are slowly losing control over the world of which they should never had in the first place. They simply lost the battle on Marriage Equality and know they will not win, so oft to the next people that are weak which is trans people like me. They see us as a danger to the imagery of families every where. They seem to think this is the 1950's but in reality it has changed a lot since that period. This is not the Andy Griffith Show or Leave it to Beaver days anymore. We as a nation of the United States of America have evolved. We have realized that God will not strike us down for allowing Marriage Equality as they believe is the very reason why Sodom and Gomorrah was struck down. But they interpret that story completely wrong. Sodom and Gomorrah was burnt to the ground because they simply lacked hospitality. Back in that day one was to have a out of town guest stay with whomever they asked. If you didn't house them for the night you were looked down upon. But that all changed one day when the whole town in unison didn't house the stranger that visited their town and that is why Sodom and Gomorrah was struck down. Now if we elect Donald Trump then America could become the modern day Sodom and Gomorrah because he wants to put walls all around our country which is totally inhospitable. But to allow people of the same gender get married they think that will cause God to smite us but that still hasn't happen so they think that allowing me who was assigned at birth as male to transition as a female will get us smite by God . But they also teach that God is love and if God were to smite America for allowing us to marry whomever and be who we are then how is that love. That is contrary to what they, the Religious Right have taught. Which to me that is hatred. What the reason why they are against the whole LGBT Community is they want what life was back in the 1950's. But if we go back to that kinda life everyone who identifies as LGBT would go back into the closet. Being the closet for me was a really scary place, a place that eventually led me to make an attempt on my life. They call themselves Christians but the very fact is they are hateful bigots who would rather see me commit suicide then to transition to my true gender, female. What the Religious Right do is first create a problem, then they scare the public about it and then they create legislation to prevent the problem that they have created then they pat themselves on the back for a job well done. They created the mythical scenario that a so-called man puts on a wig, makeup, and dress and enters the women's bathroom and proclaimed he is a woman. Then they have so-called man either peeping on the woman in the stall or enters her stall and rapes her. There is no such report of a trans person ever raping a cisgender person at all. There is though plenty of evidence of clergy raping little boys or straight men who rape woman and they do not have to "pretend" to be a woman like the Religious Right would have you to believe. So they are using this fictional story as a smokescreen who is really doing what they accuse girls like me of. Do not let them get away with this story and ask them who they are covering up for?
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality, Trans Activist
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality, Trans Activist
"WHAT THE HELL?"
I am so sick of the so-called bathroom bill. It is just a ploy that the Religious Right to get trans people like me to go away. They want our community to be extinguished. They do not care about women's or children's safety as they state at all. They do not value those they claim to be protecting. With all the so-called Bathroom bills popping out all over the place. Do they not know that trans people like me have been using the restroom like forever and now they are just now noticing us. They are just mad at the very fact that the Marriage Equality Bill passed and they know that part they are defeated so oft to the next people to being oppressed, the trans community. This has caused a lot of people like me to being afraid for our very lives. Men are stating that if they see one of us following in behind their daughters, wife, grandma, mom that they will do whatever it takes. They say they will do more than hurt our feelings. Saying they will do whatever it takes can mean anything. It has got me thinking that I might be murdered for simply going into the restroom that I feel best suits me all because of this "fake fear that I will cause violence to women and children. They feel that the LGBT community getting marriage equality and we trying to get equality too is infringing on their so-called "Religious Freedom." Now when is someone's Religious Freedom more important than someone's pursuit of happiness? We here in America have learned in our schooling that we are here in America impart because England had establishment of Religion. Our ancestors did not want to being forced to worship a religion but to worship how we see fit or not at all. If we go by Religious Freedom it is not really freedom because it would lead to having an establishment of religion which is going against what our Forefathers of our beautiful country faught so hard against. When is this madness going to end? Hmm. A lot to ponder to just how far they will to impose their way of living. With the election season it seems to be really heating up quite a bit and quite frankly it scares the hell out of me. I am just trying to carve out a life that is comfortable for me. They had all the comfort in the world when the whole LGBT Community was in the fucking closet. It really pisses me off that I had to hide so deep in the closest that I couldn't even see the door handle or even know I was in the closet. And now they want to shove me back in the closet all because they are uncomfortable with seeing me being authentic. So let's give 'em exactly what they are fearing, taking away their Religious Freedom and having them in their religion closest and take away their gun rights and let them see how hard it is to being in the closest. Hmmm...
In fact if we were to establish a religion it would infridge on people's religion they have been following. A lot of people will then take notice just what we the trans community feels when losing our basic human rights. Though we are different and even the minority when you break it down we are humans just like anyone else. Though we may not identify with the sex we were assigned at birth our feelings are real when we identify with a different different gender than our assigned sex. We have fought so hard and long just to be ourselves and having the rug pulled out from underneath us is just plain ole cruel. I for one know that I would have successfully completed my attempt on my life if I could not transition to my true gender, female. They would rather see us end our lives then living out our true genders all because it goes against their religious viewpoints. They feel that their whole world would unravel and that God would treat America like Sodom and Gomarrah. They read into that story as proof that God hates though who practice homosexuality but the real reason for their distruction was for a lack of hospitality. Their precious book called the bible is not God inspired but man's own opinions. Rather or not God existed and still exhists or not is not important here but how they choose to treat we, the trans community with such hatred is the important issue. Now I am a Christian but not their brand of Christianity. I am a Progressive Christian who loves everyone except the bigots because they refuse to be educated on what it means to being born into the wrong body. They feel that we are saying that God made a mistake but to me it is not a mistake but a challenge. It is a challenge to see if I really and truly have faith and trust in God. Now that is my opinion and I am not speaking for the whole entire trans community.
Instead of looking into why we are being our true selves lets see why they are truly against us, the trans community. Could it be they are feeling guilty about being attracted to one of us and their friends think that by being attracted to us they are being caught up in being a homosexual. Why is being a homosexual anyway wrong? Instead of being all caught up in the bible which by the way is controlled by Catholics is man speaking for God. If God truly against homosexuality and being trans then Jesus who is the same as God would have preached against the LGBT community.
Why are the so-called Religious Right Groups say that being gay and trans one in the same? They could not be more wrong. Being gay is about sexual orientation while being trans is how one sees themself. For me for instance I see myself as a woman though I was assigned at birth as male. If one goes by chromosomes, DNA and body parts then I would male except I do not identify as male. That is why I am a trans woman. Most go with their assigned sex which makes them cisgender but since I do not then I am trans. Now if I were to be attracted to women then that would make me a lesbian but I am not. I am attracted to men and men alone which makes me straight. Of course the Religious Right would chime in and say that I am a gay man. But if gays exist then why can't trans people exist either. Hmmm. There is plenty of evidence that people like me exist and why but they choose to ignore that. One theory out there is that when my mom was pregnant with me that her estrogen was running so high that I was being showered with her hormones which hit my brain. By her estrogen being showered on my brain it made my brain a female brain. By having a female brain it continued to develope as I am a female which explains why I am a trans female. Ever since I was old enough I was attracted to men but I wondered why since I am not a gay man which is not wrong but that is not me.
The so-called threat to women and children is just a ploy and the real threat that they do not want you to know about is when the Marriage Bill had passed they feel that America is straying against God and that God will smite America like God did back in the days of Sodom and Gomorrah. They misinterpret that story reading into that God did that because of homosexuality but like I mentioned earlier it was for lack of hospitality that they were destroyed. They want America and everyone in it to live the "Traditional Way of life" and force that on everyone.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality, Trans Activist
In fact if we were to establish a religion it would infridge on people's religion they have been following. A lot of people will then take notice just what we the trans community feels when losing our basic human rights. Though we are different and even the minority when you break it down we are humans just like anyone else. Though we may not identify with the sex we were assigned at birth our feelings are real when we identify with a different different gender than our assigned sex. We have fought so hard and long just to be ourselves and having the rug pulled out from underneath us is just plain ole cruel. I for one know that I would have successfully completed my attempt on my life if I could not transition to my true gender, female. They would rather see us end our lives then living out our true genders all because it goes against their religious viewpoints. They feel that their whole world would unravel and that God would treat America like Sodom and Gomarrah. They read into that story as proof that God hates though who practice homosexuality but the real reason for their distruction was for a lack of hospitality. Their precious book called the bible is not God inspired but man's own opinions. Rather or not God existed and still exhists or not is not important here but how they choose to treat we, the trans community with such hatred is the important issue. Now I am a Christian but not their brand of Christianity. I am a Progressive Christian who loves everyone except the bigots because they refuse to be educated on what it means to being born into the wrong body. They feel that we are saying that God made a mistake but to me it is not a mistake but a challenge. It is a challenge to see if I really and truly have faith and trust in God. Now that is my opinion and I am not speaking for the whole entire trans community.
Instead of looking into why we are being our true selves lets see why they are truly against us, the trans community. Could it be they are feeling guilty about being attracted to one of us and their friends think that by being attracted to us they are being caught up in being a homosexual. Why is being a homosexual anyway wrong? Instead of being all caught up in the bible which by the way is controlled by Catholics is man speaking for God. If God truly against homosexuality and being trans then Jesus who is the same as God would have preached against the LGBT community.
Why are the so-called Religious Right Groups say that being gay and trans one in the same? They could not be more wrong. Being gay is about sexual orientation while being trans is how one sees themself. For me for instance I see myself as a woman though I was assigned at birth as male. If one goes by chromosomes, DNA and body parts then I would male except I do not identify as male. That is why I am a trans woman. Most go with their assigned sex which makes them cisgender but since I do not then I am trans. Now if I were to be attracted to women then that would make me a lesbian but I am not. I am attracted to men and men alone which makes me straight. Of course the Religious Right would chime in and say that I am a gay man. But if gays exist then why can't trans people exist either. Hmmm. There is plenty of evidence that people like me exist and why but they choose to ignore that. One theory out there is that when my mom was pregnant with me that her estrogen was running so high that I was being showered with her hormones which hit my brain. By her estrogen being showered on my brain it made my brain a female brain. By having a female brain it continued to develope as I am a female which explains why I am a trans female. Ever since I was old enough I was attracted to men but I wondered why since I am not a gay man which is not wrong but that is not me.
The so-called threat to women and children is just a ploy and the real threat that they do not want you to know about is when the Marriage Bill had passed they feel that America is straying against God and that God will smite America like God did back in the days of Sodom and Gomorrah. They misinterpret that story reading into that God did that because of homosexuality but like I mentioned earlier it was for lack of hospitality that they were destroyed. They want America and everyone in it to live the "Traditional Way of life" and force that on everyone.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality, Trans Activist
"living your life on your terms"
For those that know someone that just came out to you as being trans I implore you to lead them to this webpage. My purpose or lot is to assist with those that are struggling to come to terms of being trans, one that feels they are trapped in the wrong body. My other purpose to make allies out there because girls like me need help in educating those that are ignorant of what it means to being trapped in the wrong. Too much is there confusion with the terms gender identity and sexual orientation. I feel that religion as in Christian Fundamentalism intentionally muddies the waters. They are getting out there message that gender identity is just another form of homosexuality. Their ideology is that it 1st a choice to being gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, and so on and on. They also use the bible to prove their point that is a sin and used by the devil that we are lied to and that we are sinning against God and siding with Satan. Their theology is completely wrong and they are using it to hate on the whole LGBT and right now their aim is against the trans community. They are justifying hatred against girls like me and that is against the bible if they want to use that argument. God is all about love not hatred. The bible was written by humans and they claim that they are influenced by God what they had written long ago. Well there are multiple men that wrote the bible and they are humans. They wrote what is their agenda not God's. They do not love as God does which is not very Christ-like at all.
There are people out there that are trying so very hard to tear apart any ones identity is not cisgender and straight. For instance people are saying stuff about me trying to pick apart my trans identity. Everything they say at one time makes me feel like they are erasing my gender identity. They feel that I choose to be trans and such and I have to admit if I hear too much in a short time it cuts deeply from within me. All that shit that is said about me is all because they are so fucking scared that I am going to either trick them into sleeping with me or that I will convert them or try doing so to being trans. I am just trying to live my life and my terms. They do not have the right to police my gender. It is like they are trying to fix me and such.
There are people out there that are trying so very hard to tear apart any ones identity is not cisgender and straight. For instance people are saying stuff about me trying to pick apart my trans identity. Everything they say at one time makes me feel like they are erasing my gender identity. They feel that I choose to be trans and such and I have to admit if I hear too much in a short time it cuts deeply from within me. All that shit that is said about me is all because they are so fucking scared that I am going to either trick them into sleeping with me or that I will convert them or try doing so to being trans. I am just trying to live my life and my terms. They do not have the right to police my gender. It is like they are trying to fix me and such.
"socialization of trans V. Socialization of cisgender people"
This is a huge debate that needs to be put into the spotlight I feel in order for we, the trans community to being accepted. Recently it is become a topic that I have been chewing on. A situation at my present employment RPS at Indiana University at the Hoosier Cafe @ SPEA on the Bloomington campus where it was a innocent situation that got all blown up way out of proportion. Clearly there is a distinction or different set of rules for those that identify and live a trans life and those that identify as their birth sex with their perceived gender commonly known as cisgender. Now most of society do not even think of their gender identity which is because they are cisgender. Well I do not identify with my birth sex which I was assigned at birth as male but I identify as a female which makes me a trans female. Now there is a split among the trans community that one side says transgender and the other side transsexual but I choose to make more happy with my terminology and go with trans. Now I will not delve into the debate with the term transgender or the term transsexual because this is not the topic at hand.
Now back to my situation that got me into this topic in the 1st place. After getting over a rush we had in business and things starting to calm down I was interacting with a cisgender female. I simply want to be treated like any other girl and so I was playfully with her and batted at her ponytail and went to act like I was knocking her hat off and she blirted out loud to stop. Now before this her and I were friends and she told me that she accepts me for who I am so when this situation occurred she did it really loud to get the attention of my boss which made him take notice. Now cisgender people tend to take care of their own when dealing with trans people it appears. She embarrassed me so I stopped talking to her and avoiding her every way I could as I quickly distanced myself and this whole thing got me to have a meeting with upper management, my boss and I had to have my Union Rep with me. Now I didn't get fired for this but it was more of a counseling session and I tried to explain it from my perspective and I even typed up two documents that I shared with them. They now have this on file and I can't have a similar thing occur for at least another year and if that holds up it gets shredded.
Now this whole situation got me thinking. Cisgender people have their own set of rules when socializing and hold trans people like me to a different standard. I occasionally watch from a distance when it comes to personal space. Cisgender people will let other cisgender people in their personal space much more then a trans person. Even those that accept me as the female that I am they will perceive me as female until I make them uncomfortable as in their personal space and in their subconsciousness they read me as a male making them feel that I am making a sexual advance on them even when I had told them I am attracted to men and men alone.
Now that goes against what I want to achieve for trans equality. I want for people like me to be integrated into society and have no one question us and see us as we see ourselves. But how can that happen when have to go by their rules for how we have to act socially? Everyone is different in their own way not just trans people. The problem lies beneath the surface and they do not even realize it. There are people that do not accept us for we are. For instance a group known as FRC(Family Research Counsel.) They have a 5 point plan to rid America of we, the trans community. Here is their 5 point plan to eradicate us from society here in America. 1. States and the federal government should not allow legal gender marker changes.
2. Transgender people should not have any legal protections against discrimination, nor should anyone be forced to respect their identity.
3. Transgender people should not be legally allowed to use facilities in accordance with their gender identity.
4. Medical coverage related to transition should not be provided by the government, or any other entity.
5. Transgender people should not be allowed to serve in the military.
Now rather the ones of the cisgender that accept us for who notice they are listening to them and subconsciously notice they are affecting how they expect us to socialize on their terms not ignore we were never socialized in the gender identity we see ourselves. But they need to take a hard look that in a way they do not accept totally and that needs to change. This is why I am doing this blog to help educate those that have no clue what we, the trans community go through every single day. This whole idea came to mind that refreshed what I had experienced when a trans friend of mine had the same thing happen at Soma. The Soma employees got all mad at my trans friend who is a girl like me got the whole personal space issue brought up. I just want everyone to treat us with respect and dignity that cisgender have privileged to them. We all deserve to be happy not just the majority. In the end we are all humans so I want to be respected and treated with dignity and we all deserve that. To exclude we, the minority is just plain ole wrong.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Now back to my situation that got me into this topic in the 1st place. After getting over a rush we had in business and things starting to calm down I was interacting with a cisgender female. I simply want to be treated like any other girl and so I was playfully with her and batted at her ponytail and went to act like I was knocking her hat off and she blirted out loud to stop. Now before this her and I were friends and she told me that she accepts me for who I am so when this situation occurred she did it really loud to get the attention of my boss which made him take notice. Now cisgender people tend to take care of their own when dealing with trans people it appears. She embarrassed me so I stopped talking to her and avoiding her every way I could as I quickly distanced myself and this whole thing got me to have a meeting with upper management, my boss and I had to have my Union Rep with me. Now I didn't get fired for this but it was more of a counseling session and I tried to explain it from my perspective and I even typed up two documents that I shared with them. They now have this on file and I can't have a similar thing occur for at least another year and if that holds up it gets shredded.
Now this whole situation got me thinking. Cisgender people have their own set of rules when socializing and hold trans people like me to a different standard. I occasionally watch from a distance when it comes to personal space. Cisgender people will let other cisgender people in their personal space much more then a trans person. Even those that accept me as the female that I am they will perceive me as female until I make them uncomfortable as in their personal space and in their subconsciousness they read me as a male making them feel that I am making a sexual advance on them even when I had told them I am attracted to men and men alone.
Now that goes against what I want to achieve for trans equality. I want for people like me to be integrated into society and have no one question us and see us as we see ourselves. But how can that happen when have to go by their rules for how we have to act socially? Everyone is different in their own way not just trans people. The problem lies beneath the surface and they do not even realize it. There are people that do not accept us for we are. For instance a group known as FRC(Family Research Counsel.) They have a 5 point plan to rid America of we, the trans community. Here is their 5 point plan to eradicate us from society here in America. 1. States and the federal government should not allow legal gender marker changes.
2. Transgender people should not have any legal protections against discrimination, nor should anyone be forced to respect their identity.
3. Transgender people should not be legally allowed to use facilities in accordance with their gender identity.
4. Medical coverage related to transition should not be provided by the government, or any other entity.
5. Transgender people should not be allowed to serve in the military.
Now rather the ones of the cisgender that accept us for who notice they are listening to them and subconsciously notice they are affecting how they expect us to socialize on their terms not ignore we were never socialized in the gender identity we see ourselves. But they need to take a hard look that in a way they do not accept totally and that needs to change. This is why I am doing this blog to help educate those that have no clue what we, the trans community go through every single day. This whole idea came to mind that refreshed what I had experienced when a trans friend of mine had the same thing happen at Soma. The Soma employees got all mad at my trans friend who is a girl like me got the whole personal space issue brought up. I just want everyone to treat us with respect and dignity that cisgender have privileged to them. We all deserve to be happy not just the majority. In the end we are all humans so I want to be respected and treated with dignity and we all deserve that. To exclude we, the minority is just plain ole wrong.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
" TRANS RIGHTS OR BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS"
As you might of heard there are some chances for laws involving those of the trans community that are anti-trans but to me it is about basic human rights. A friend of mine brought it to my attention when I was talking about the law that was recently passed in Washington State, involving what bathroom one uses. The law is based to discriminate the trans community. The religious right continue on scaring anyone they can find that we, the trans community, especially trans women that we are men falsely claiming that we are women so we can peep on women, that we are child predators or wicked perverted men who are deemed for the gates of hell. But they refuse to see it our way or even try. They keep putting before the public their religious freedom and how we are invading it. But it is not about trans rights because it is about basic human rights. Here in America especially there is a thing about the pursuit of happiness and the whole "Separation of Church and State." The whole "Separation Church and State" came from the idea when our ancestors left England all because of the established religion which was the Church of England. "Separation of Church" means there will be no establishment of religion. The Religious Right want to be able to control how society acts and looks according to their religion. They know they lost the battle of what the definition of marriage is. They cried when they are forced to accept gay marriage because it interferes with their religious freedom which they failed to recognized they think. So they know they lost that battle so they are attacking the next group which is the trans community. A friend of mine who I mentioned earlier, Kay said let them bring up the whole man in a dress in the women's restroom. This bill that has been passed is not about being trans rights failing to get established but about losing basic human rights. In the Declaration of Independence it states:We hold these truths to be sacred & undeniable; that all men are created equal & independent, that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent & inalienable, among which are the preservation of life, & liberty, & the pursuit of happiness. All are given the right to pursuit happiness. But the Religious Right want to control how society acts according to their interpretation of scriptures. But that takes away my freedom to pursue happiness. In order for me to achieve happiness I need to transition to the female that I am. They continue that girls like me are impeding their pursuit of happiness through their religious freedom. But if they were to look at girls like me and the whole trans community as people instead of what they are against they would see that we all deserve to be able to pursue happiness. We all need to agree to disagree with this issue and simply move on. There are more important issues to work on. I see that religion is important to them but at the same time their religious freedom that they want gets in my way of my freedom to being happy. Why should the majority control the freedom of the minority? They used their religious freedom in past oppression of other minority groups. If you want to choose to live a traditional way of life but don't try to force that on someone. Instead of judging the trans community according to your biblical teachings. Try instead to look at our perspective. We had to hide in the closet of shame and try to live up to the standards that society set up a long time ago. Tradition is good unless it restricts someone's right to live as they choose as long as it is legal. They used their religious freedom by not allowing African Americans being able to marry a Caucasian person. They used that same religious freedom to oppression women like wearing pants wasn't even allowed at all or if they work outside of home they couldn't work at typical men jobs. They even oppressed African Americans treating them less than Caucasian people. It is imbreeded into the American fabric that there is 2 groups, the us group and the other group so they can say they are in the right group. Like the battle over the so-called bathroom issue being drummed up in Washington State it appears that South Dakota that they will be the 1st state to pass that ugly and discriminating law. I have done the research and seen who is up to even bringing up these in the 1st place. I found out that a group that calls themselves Family Research Counsel" (FRC) that they have a 5 point plan to extinguish the trans community all together in America.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"WALKING DOWN MEMORY LANE"
The further I transition to being the female that I have always been I am constantly taking a look back to where it all began. You see that it took me long to get where I am but there were roadblocks along the way that I had to get out my way. I grew up in a Religious Right household that aligns itself on the Conservative side of the tracks. I was taught that there are only 2 boxes which I could check off. I was assigned at birth as a male and in the household that I was born into I was taught that one can't change which box one I check off. To them I was born male which I say I was assigned male not born that I can't change that at all. Changing who I am to them is changing God's design for my life. To them being a transsexual female means that I am truly a feminite gay man which goes against the teachings that I had growing up . Being gay to them and active in it means I automatically receive a one-way ticket straight to hell. I had been taught these teachings and used to subscribe to them. I used to be a "Good Little Sponge" and soaked it all in. But looking back I tried everything to be who the world sees me as. I tried different looks. I had a battle that I was constantly fighting. I was fighing my true identity all along. With the lessons that I was armed with I used it to fight who I really have been all along. Armed with scripture and how to use it and what society taught me I used it and the more I used it the more hurt I was experiencing. I was incomplete denial with my true identity. One day I remember when I bragged to my managment team and coworkers at a job I used to be at that I knew myself better than anyone else. I felt something started to shift in my life. I started to not care and losing the grip that once gave me energy now was sapping it all out. I was simply falling apart from the inner most of who I really was. I tried so very hard to be someone who I was and it may have taken a long time but it started to crumble all around me. Later on in 2012 I had been fired and my identity started to fall apart. Before being fired I started to explore the feelings that I once had pushed away while trying to be in the status quo. I was looking online for why I had these feelings but that was before I truly explored my real feelings. I had since that time a few years from where I am now thinking I was simply a crossdresser. I had for a short time prior like in my Junior year in Highschool dabbled in crossdressing but quit before being found out by who I now refer to as my ex-father. Well I started to dress in feminine clothing but only in the privacy of my apartment. Those feelings of me being a crossdresser only last a couple months at best and realized it was more than clothes to me because I finally felt like I should have for so long. I finally felt at home wearing female clothes because Ihave been always been a female. So I had been only crossdressing as a male all these years being that is how the world still sees me as. For a couple of months I started presenting in public as who I am really but only in one place here in Bloomington, IN called Rachael's Cafe after speaking with another trans girl named Rachael. After speaking with her I made my very public appearance as the real me. I remember that time so clearly as I had sweat running down me and watched nervously who noticed me dressed as the female I have been all along. I nervously drove and would not look anyone in the eye as I was afraid of someone discovering me dressed in feminine clothing and with makeup on. But the more I went out as my true self I started developing a sense of confidence and happy like never before. 2 months later I had a trans friend come to Indiana all the way from Arizona to stay with me with her coming to me I started to live full time in my new identity, the girl that you have come to know. Going full time and going to more than one place those feelings of being seen in public in my new identity I once again was nervous. But more and more I gained to confidence that I needed to experience. But once again the confidence evaporated when I learned I was being evicted from my old apartment and had to experience what most in the trans community experience, homelessness. Being homeless is hard enough but being homeless while being trans is so much harder. I had to learn how to survive day to day and wondered if would survive. Surving life on the streets as a trans girl is not easy so I can't sugar coat it at all. Now before experiencing homelessness I came out to my parents and eventually my sister and they all told me in certain terms that they will never accept me for who I am which hurts. My ex-father even told me that if I didn't change my mind about transitioning then I would no longer have them as parents. He gave me a timeline to which I had to change my mind and I have never changed my mind so they and especially him disowned me and even went as far as removing me from the family will. So I made very little attempts to find another job and without them in my life I felt like my life came to an end. I was mourning my loss of my family in my life. Being homeless could have been harder if I had not came out to people that I figured would accept me as I am and that helped me out because I have a strong support from them. I bounced around homeless shelters, friends' homes and even motels. I finally got a place to call home after I got Section 8. Having a place finally meant that I have stability. Having stability in just a short time, 2 months and I landed a perfect situation for me to work. I work at Indiana University for RPS Dining Services and they put into place shortly before my hiring establishing policy for those that are trans. I am able to be who I am at work. I am treated just like any other girl and I am even allowed to use the women's restroom and shortly after my hiring, 2 months I plus the time off from winter break I was able to start HRT. At first HRT was both exciting but trying. I had to get used to dealing with a female's moods. Adjusting to females moods is not exactly easy though it finally feels right. I am going through what most say is equivalent to a 16 yr old girl experiencing hormonal change. Though they felt right it was a bit bumpy at 1st experiencing these hormones. With time I have adjusted more but there are still times where I am hit right in this face with my hormones. Like for instance this past week going back to work it has been stressful and at the same time I was all hormonal. Though it has been a rough journey for me I would still do it all over again. It has been extremely liberating to finally be who I am meant to be. I even reconciled my faith with my gender identity. Now I have mentioned my faith till except what kind of home environment I grew up in. I have been accustomed to attending church but since me coming out it took me three weeks to find a place where I am welcome. Since finding that place to go and worship God and have a community of believers who are completely accepting me for who I am is another reason why I have gotten myself back on track to where I am now. As I enter my 9 months of hormones next Friday I am in awe of where I am. I didn't think I would make it this far and now know I have the strength to see this through. I have not changed my mind for having SRS and in fact I am constantly dwelling on just how much I want and need this to feel complete. I need SRS so my mind, heart and soul are aligned to feel that I am at home and at peace. I am at peace more and more but not complete peace. I am at peace to a certain degree because of me being on hormones but I need SRS to be all the way complete and at peace. Having the peace of mind that transcends both time and space is my goal.
I know that there are those in my audience that are experiencing of being in the wrong body. I urge you to educate yourself as much as one can. I do offer my personal experience and this is just my narrative and do not speak for the trans community but from my own perspective. If you want to get a hold of me you can email me at [email protected] or look me up at Facebook. You can find me under the handle saraashlytrans also on my Twitter page. I even have a YouTube Channel where I post my video updates on my transition journey that I am currently on. I even can be found on my wordpress page under the name Sara Ashley Cole.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
I know that there are those in my audience that are experiencing of being in the wrong body. I urge you to educate yourself as much as one can. I do offer my personal experience and this is just my narrative and do not speak for the trans community but from my own perspective. If you want to get a hold of me you can email me at [email protected] or look me up at Facebook. You can find me under the handle saraashlytrans also on my Twitter page. I even have a YouTube Channel where I post my video updates on my transition journey that I am currently on. I even can be found on my wordpress page under the name Sara Ashley Cole.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"A Look back @ my journey from sara's prospective"
First off let me say thank you to those that have shown me love and support letting me share my narrative on website here, my Word Press page, and YouTube channel. You have shown me more love and support of me and journey then my own parents and sister. They still have not come around and they may never come around but I have the love that one needs to succeed in life. Knowing that I am getting backed for the journey that I am on truly means the world to me.
Having to rebuild my life after coming to grips with just who I am is a lot of work but so worth it. This comparison comes from the type of shows that I love to watch. You know the shows where houses are rebuilt and flipped for a profit. You may have seen where a house is torn all the way to the studs and completely built. Well my whole life has been redone. I had to vertically tear my life all the way down to the studs. The person that I had behind was the man the world saw me as and today still does. I was born into this Christian Conservative Fundamentalist house and taught anything against the norms which society constructed through the means of this so-called Christianity. You have heard that America was found on Christian Principles or morals. Well let me tell you it was hell on earth for me living in this kind of teaching all of my life till the day I finally had the courage to come out to myself. These teachings stem from society decade to decade and do a colossal amount of damage. Imagine these kinds of teachings being heard constantly and then you will understand why it is a huge undertaking to change society with a vast amount of flaws. Society constructed long ago that there is only 2 genders with one being male and one being female. They also stated that one can't change their gender and if one dared to do so they would tell you that you are changing God's design for your life and that by doing so your actions will land you in the gates of hell. Imagining being inundated with that kind of malarkey. Well this happened to me a whole life time. Imagine how scary it is go against that kind of teaching because that is exactly what made stay in the closet for so very long. But the longer I was in the closet the more it was killing me. I knew I had my fork in the road kind of moment. One prong of the fork I could choose to remain living a life as a male and end up committing suicide or I could choose the other prong which of course would be live my life as a female and lose my parents and sister but eventually be truly happy. I of course picked the road which meant to overhaul my whole life. Breaking my life all the way down to studs was a fast process but it left me feeling very vulnerable. I luckily made a support group that I could lean heavily on. One that I could lean on when I needed emotional support. In order to transition successfully I needed a life line. There are many ups and downs when transitioning. One needs to develop thick skin because transitioning is not for the weak at all. Society would rather for us to stay in the closet then to thrive. To be be different is frowned upon.
Fast forward to where I am now and I simply look at myself in utter awe. Transitioning is not all rainbows and unicorns but if asked would I make the same decision to transition all over all again I would say YES!!! Though I had to experience being homeless and a transsexual and wondering if I would survive to live to the next day and cry myself to sleep on the nightly basis and now look I have a place and a place of employment I have to pinch myself to see if I am dreaming. Now I may not be lucky like Caitlin Jenner and have all the money in the world and look beautiful everyday and having makeup artists flown to me or wear the most beautiful clothes in the world but in a way I am living a privileged life. I did not have to work as a transsexual female selling myself for sex to make ends meet. I am in the best situation I could be in. I have a job where I can simply be myself. Now in no way am I saying I am better than those that had to be prostitutes to be able to transition I am just saying that I am very lucky. When I landed my current job I was only socially transitioning. I had been only socially transitioning for just over 1 year and 3 months and now I am entering where I thought I would never be and that is I am about to in 20 days celebrating 9 months of HRT. I never could have imagined I would be celebrating 9 months of HRT because at one time my future looked very bleak. I was wondering if I would become another statistic of being a transsexual who would be murdered but instead I am more than surviving, I am thriving. I have put so much hard work to be me and it is constantly make me sit and soak it all in. Seeing myself where it all began and where I am now I know I have such great hopes and expectations of my own self. I was once that scared little girl to one that is extremely well-versed in handling just about any situation that arises in my daily life. I know how to more than survive but to thrive in a cis-gendered world. I am also extremely lucky to be living in a liberal town that acknowledges we, the trans community exists and allows us to use the bathroom that we feel comfortable in using. Though my town is accepting of trans individuals it is hard to transition in the town where every knew you as a male. I had heard that it is hard to transition in the town where one grew up and it is so on point. I have some goals that I am wanting to reach before I leave for California other than financial goals. This year I am planning on changing both my legal name and birth gender markers to reflect who I am. I want to achieve some changes here in Indiana or at least set the foundation for changes to come for future transsexuals. I want future transsexuals here in the great state of Indiana to never have to experience my transition and have it so much easier. I was more than willing and still am willing to go through shit so others do not have to. I want them to be able to come out and transition more out in the open than I did. I am willing to stick out so they the future can see that they are not alone in these feelings of being trapped in the wrong body. I know the future is so full of hope not only for me but for others and it encourages me to continue with my journey of being authentic. I feel it is extremely important for others even the ones that are not trans just to see what being real looks like. There is no reason for anyone to showing their truth. Transitioning may not be easy but it is so worth it to finally be freed from my life's oppression. If you have these feelings of feeling lost in your life in who you are and possibly dealing with genders you should go visit your local LGBT office. I know for one though I was scared to who would see me enter in being that many knew me before my coming out. I am now loud and proud of who I am though there are still times where I feel a little scared being that I am in the town where I grew up and had once upon a time lived my life as a male. Believe the same feelings that you are experiencing I have been there and that. I also had to try and reconcile my life as a Christian and my transsexuality. If I had stopped going to church which I did when I had no where to turn being that my old one I could not attend there and be a transsexual. I left that church before I could get thrown out. I went 3 weeks without going and felt empty inside. I had 3 churches in mind when thinking where I wanted to take my membership elsewhere. There was this girl whom I had known for most of my life that still goes to that old church that I confided it in her of my feelings of being a woman trapped in the wrong body. I knew she was the closet that would accept me as I am being that she is liberal politically. My feelings were exactly on point as today her and I are still friends. She assisted me with getting Section 8 though I lost it eventually being that I make too much money to keep it. She took me to the church that she works and I met the Associate Minister and my friend. The Associate Minister then paid for me to go to a conference at the church where I now attend. I was so impressed with that church that held the conference now I have been a member there for quite awhile now. I even sing in the church choir as a Alto and from that church I am prospering where I am now. So you can see how important it is to set up a support group that accepts you as you are and go from there. If you want to ask me questions, talk with me you can email me at [email protected]. If you want to add me on Facebook put that in the subject line so I can see the email and I will send you the link to it. You can also check out my YouTube channel under the name Sara Ashley Cole and I do have a wordpress account too under the name sara ashley cole there. Thank you for letting me share with you my journey. Have a fabulous weekend!
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activists, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Having to rebuild my life after coming to grips with just who I am is a lot of work but so worth it. This comparison comes from the type of shows that I love to watch. You know the shows where houses are rebuilt and flipped for a profit. You may have seen where a house is torn all the way to the studs and completely built. Well my whole life has been redone. I had to vertically tear my life all the way down to the studs. The person that I had behind was the man the world saw me as and today still does. I was born into this Christian Conservative Fundamentalist house and taught anything against the norms which society constructed through the means of this so-called Christianity. You have heard that America was found on Christian Principles or morals. Well let me tell you it was hell on earth for me living in this kind of teaching all of my life till the day I finally had the courage to come out to myself. These teachings stem from society decade to decade and do a colossal amount of damage. Imagine these kinds of teachings being heard constantly and then you will understand why it is a huge undertaking to change society with a vast amount of flaws. Society constructed long ago that there is only 2 genders with one being male and one being female. They also stated that one can't change their gender and if one dared to do so they would tell you that you are changing God's design for your life and that by doing so your actions will land you in the gates of hell. Imagining being inundated with that kind of malarkey. Well this happened to me a whole life time. Imagine how scary it is go against that kind of teaching because that is exactly what made stay in the closet for so very long. But the longer I was in the closet the more it was killing me. I knew I had my fork in the road kind of moment. One prong of the fork I could choose to remain living a life as a male and end up committing suicide or I could choose the other prong which of course would be live my life as a female and lose my parents and sister but eventually be truly happy. I of course picked the road which meant to overhaul my whole life. Breaking my life all the way down to studs was a fast process but it left me feeling very vulnerable. I luckily made a support group that I could lean heavily on. One that I could lean on when I needed emotional support. In order to transition successfully I needed a life line. There are many ups and downs when transitioning. One needs to develop thick skin because transitioning is not for the weak at all. Society would rather for us to stay in the closet then to thrive. To be be different is frowned upon.
Fast forward to where I am now and I simply look at myself in utter awe. Transitioning is not all rainbows and unicorns but if asked would I make the same decision to transition all over all again I would say YES!!! Though I had to experience being homeless and a transsexual and wondering if I would survive to live to the next day and cry myself to sleep on the nightly basis and now look I have a place and a place of employment I have to pinch myself to see if I am dreaming. Now I may not be lucky like Caitlin Jenner and have all the money in the world and look beautiful everyday and having makeup artists flown to me or wear the most beautiful clothes in the world but in a way I am living a privileged life. I did not have to work as a transsexual female selling myself for sex to make ends meet. I am in the best situation I could be in. I have a job where I can simply be myself. Now in no way am I saying I am better than those that had to be prostitutes to be able to transition I am just saying that I am very lucky. When I landed my current job I was only socially transitioning. I had been only socially transitioning for just over 1 year and 3 months and now I am entering where I thought I would never be and that is I am about to in 20 days celebrating 9 months of HRT. I never could have imagined I would be celebrating 9 months of HRT because at one time my future looked very bleak. I was wondering if I would become another statistic of being a transsexual who would be murdered but instead I am more than surviving, I am thriving. I have put so much hard work to be me and it is constantly make me sit and soak it all in. Seeing myself where it all began and where I am now I know I have such great hopes and expectations of my own self. I was once that scared little girl to one that is extremely well-versed in handling just about any situation that arises in my daily life. I know how to more than survive but to thrive in a cis-gendered world. I am also extremely lucky to be living in a liberal town that acknowledges we, the trans community exists and allows us to use the bathroom that we feel comfortable in using. Though my town is accepting of trans individuals it is hard to transition in the town where every knew you as a male. I had heard that it is hard to transition in the town where one grew up and it is so on point. I have some goals that I am wanting to reach before I leave for California other than financial goals. This year I am planning on changing both my legal name and birth gender markers to reflect who I am. I want to achieve some changes here in Indiana or at least set the foundation for changes to come for future transsexuals. I want future transsexuals here in the great state of Indiana to never have to experience my transition and have it so much easier. I was more than willing and still am willing to go through shit so others do not have to. I want them to be able to come out and transition more out in the open than I did. I am willing to stick out so they the future can see that they are not alone in these feelings of being trapped in the wrong body. I know the future is so full of hope not only for me but for others and it encourages me to continue with my journey of being authentic. I feel it is extremely important for others even the ones that are not trans just to see what being real looks like. There is no reason for anyone to showing their truth. Transitioning may not be easy but it is so worth it to finally be freed from my life's oppression. If you have these feelings of feeling lost in your life in who you are and possibly dealing with genders you should go visit your local LGBT office. I know for one though I was scared to who would see me enter in being that many knew me before my coming out. I am now loud and proud of who I am though there are still times where I feel a little scared being that I am in the town where I grew up and had once upon a time lived my life as a male. Believe the same feelings that you are experiencing I have been there and that. I also had to try and reconcile my life as a Christian and my transsexuality. If I had stopped going to church which I did when I had no where to turn being that my old one I could not attend there and be a transsexual. I left that church before I could get thrown out. I went 3 weeks without going and felt empty inside. I had 3 churches in mind when thinking where I wanted to take my membership elsewhere. There was this girl whom I had known for most of my life that still goes to that old church that I confided it in her of my feelings of being a woman trapped in the wrong body. I knew she was the closet that would accept me as I am being that she is liberal politically. My feelings were exactly on point as today her and I are still friends. She assisted me with getting Section 8 though I lost it eventually being that I make too much money to keep it. She took me to the church that she works and I met the Associate Minister and my friend. The Associate Minister then paid for me to go to a conference at the church where I now attend. I was so impressed with that church that held the conference now I have been a member there for quite awhile now. I even sing in the church choir as a Alto and from that church I am prospering where I am now. So you can see how important it is to set up a support group that accepts you as you are and go from there. If you want to ask me questions, talk with me you can email me at [email protected]. If you want to add me on Facebook put that in the subject line so I can see the email and I will send you the link to it. You can also check out my YouTube channel under the name Sara Ashley Cole and I do have a wordpress account too under the name sara ashley cole there. Thank you for letting me share with you my journey. Have a fabulous weekend!
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activists, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"New Years, great expectations, higher hopes"
With this year coming to an end I can safely say that this year has been my best ever! I have accomplished so much this year and with that I expect my 2016 to be even better. Like a team on the verge of getting better after having a great season but that fell short the bar has risen for me and my 2016. The things that one accomplished are going on HRT, getting a hair weave, 2nd piercing of my ears, getting my eyebrows threaded were some great things that assisted me in my transition to become even more the female I know myself to be even more recognizable. Transitioning has me growing up so very fast in becoming a more complete person. I have to learn how to take care of myself without a whole lot of help. Not having my family and when I say family I am referring to my parents and sister who do not support me has led me to being extremely independent. I am much more at ease who I am and my body and mind are becoming as one unit that is more aligned. Now even though they are more aligned I still need to have SRS to be completely aligned. The next things I have in mind are having laser treatment to stop me from ever having to shave my face and to get my name legally changed. Now I had been planning this timeline to have my name changed earlier then I ran into some financial problems that did not involve transitioning that got in the way but another thing has pushed it up. There is this bill in Indiana that is going to be on the ballet involving which bathroom I am allowed to use in public. If I were to get caught in the women's restroom I could spend up to a year in jail and slapped with a $5,000 fine if it were to pass. But anyways I still expect it to be my best year yet. I feel that my spiritual life and me being a transsexual have been reconciled and with that now my spiritual life has really soared to greater heights. I feel that God has rewarded me for my faith I have shown in her because she has shown me proof by having people in my life that knew me before coming out that now know that I am transitioning and are supporting me in my journey to be real. Those people are cheering me on the more I am further along on my journey. I hardly am read these days as a man but the woman that I am truly. I love having people opening their arms to me and showing me such love. Another great thing this year is I had my best holiday season ever though towards the end of it I have shown a little chink in the armor emotionally when I finally broken down in tears Christmas Eve and Christmas day just thinking how much I love and miss my Nieces and Nephews. But for the most part I am in the a much happier spirits these days. A lot of us and in the greater LGBT community have experienced having your father express such intolerance. My father is no exception and feel the reason why is because at birth I feel that I was born intersexed. My father I feel choose me to be assigned at birth as a male because like most fathers mine wanted a male so badly. When I was in the 6th grade I was 4'6" and weighed 46 lbs. I didn't have the ability to grow facial hair and I tried so very hard to be the male that the world sees me as and eventually I was able to grow the beard but that was only to hide that I was struggling with gender identity problems. I hid my feelings close to me but the more I tried to hide these feelings the worse my life got for me. Like most of the trans community I finally hit the wall when I was trying to live 2 different lives. In the end I could not help but choose to live after a failed attempt on my life. So I choose to transition which those that are trans know just how hard a life can be for those who are transitioning. But for me I have to fear for my life if I didn't transition. My biggest worry would have been at my own hands if I hadn't choose to transition. There is no one more dangerous than myself if had not chosen to transition. Knowing that transitioning is dangerous where one can lose their life in a matter of moments all because of transphobia or rather it is coming from homophobia. Society teaches one that women are not valued in society and that we are not as good as men. Society sees that ones like me that transition from male to female as being weak and that to them we are effeminate gay men. Society has it wrong when it comes to sexual orientation and gender identity. Sexual orientation is who you want to go to bed with and attracted to while gender identity is how you see yourself rather it be as a woman, man, or someone in between. As we enter a new year I urge you all that are cisgender to listen to our stories as transsexuals we are humans that deserve dignity and respect like everyone else. For those are that struggling with your gender identity let me be the 1st to tell you, you are not alone. It took me quite awhile to get to where I am today and in 21 days I will be celebrating 9 months of HRT and it has gone really fast since I started. Time goes by really fast when you are truly happy. Now hormones is not easy there will be ups and downs when dealing with emotions. Hormones changes you and rewires your brain. I used to think that I would still be attracted to women only but that is changed daily as I am more attracted to men more and more with each passing day. In fact I am in dangerous ground more and more. I am being read more and more as a cisgender woman and men will throw themselves at you which is a double-edged sword. It is good in one way because it feels good being read as a cisgender woman and on the other hand if I am not up front with the man and we become intimate and he finds out that I have my male genitalia then he could lose his temper and either beat me up or worse he could end my life and become another statistic. But do not let those paralyze you where you can not live your life. Use that information to make sure constantly that you do not put your self in harm's way. If you need some advice or someone to talk to I suggest you go to your local LGBT office and talk to someone. Now if you want to personally reach out to me then you can shoot me an email at [email protected] I have a ton of information that I can tell you about and if there is something that you ask me and I do not know I will look it up for you or seek someone that knows and get the information that way. I hope you all have a very successful and Happy and safe New Year's Day. See you this year.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activists, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activists, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"best christmas ever"
Like the title suggests this is undoubtedly my best Christmas ever. I have been finally starting to heal from the emotional damage that my parents and sister did to me when they washed their hands of me. These last couple of Christmases have been my worst as I had to deal with the agony with them no longer being in my life. In the past the holidays were to me about spending time with family but that all went away after I came out and let them in my plans of transitioning to the female I have been all along. It was a painful experience for me to endure but it also has taught me to be more self reliant and it also means to me that I have been liberated by having to live my life on their terms. I am these days able to live my life on my terms. I finally feel free and it is what makes me happy. Now it doesn't mean that I do not want them in my life but I want them in my life as the "real" me but I know in my heart of hearts that will never happen. Another reason why this is my best Christmas and for those that are friends with me on Facebook already know before I even put it on here. I am officially a woman, well one that is one hormonally that is. My T count is that of a female that is assigned female at birth. Now I know that if you go by my hormones I am a female but that is still not enough for me and I am very much planning on having my SRS to make me feel complete and one that is aligned with both my mind and body. But more importantly I want to have my surgery for my safety. I have been on hormones today officially for 8 months and they have changed me so very much. Though I still refer myself to a bisexual these days I prefer to be in a relationship with a man. I am more attracted to men and want myself a boyfriend. If I were to be in a relationship with a man I want to be safe and that means I want my penis to be a vagina. If I were to become intimate with a man and he were to see my penis he may become angry and feel that I am trying to trick him into sleeping with me. But I also want one for my mental health. Having a vagina would make me more happy. I am happier knowing that I am free the oppression that my family placed on me. I am also thinking more these days that I focus more what I have gained and retained and not what I have lost. I noticed that I gained and retained so very much and that makes me happy. Life is so beautiful to me and know already that next year will be even better than this current one. I look forward into ringing in the new year with so much anticipation and excitement much like a child does around Christmas time. I feel like I have so much to unwrap next year that I am so very excited. Transitioning has made me so very confident and experience that I know how to handle any situation that comes my way. Like what I have heard that it is extremely hard to transition in the very town where they presented as male like me I still have in my plans to finish my transition some other place where they do not know my past and simply know me as Sara. I have so many dreams that I want to fulfill in my life time and that also drives me in my transition. This is my best decision that I have ever made for my life. When getting to experience all that I have and looking back to where it all began it makes me take stock what is really important. I truly appreciate the small accomplishments I have made in my transition. I know it easier said then done but one needs to focus on all that they one has and retained rather than thinking about what you have lost. It took me over 2 years to finally be happy. From all that I have lost it made me liberated from all the oppression that I had my entire life. Would I rather be free the oppression or be oppressed and still have my family? If I still had my family I would have to lead a double life but instead I am free to be me all the time. I have learned to be more self reliant, I have more experience on how to deal with problems that may arise. I do not need them in my life to be happy instead I only needed the freedom to be me. Being me set me free from having to be someone that I didn't associate with being. There are so many people out there that love me and support my freedom and that truly makes me happy. I may not be rich as in the traditional sense as in money but I am rich as far as the relationships that I do have. People truly love authentic people who live with authenticity. People who try to fit into the world and are seen as fake well people are tired of that. My two greatest gifts that I have for this year is 1) being alive 2) living my life authentically. My most favorite self memory is when in the bathroom at work and looked into the mirror and asked who is that pretty girl and realizing that pretty girl looking back at me is me!!! If you or someone you know feels they are a girl in a boy's body or a boy in a girl's body you or that person or persons are not alone. If you have any questions you can email me at [email protected]. Please stop by and watch my YouTube channel under the name Sara Ashley Col and watch my videos and like and subscribe to my channel. Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Years!!!
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"what i am thankful for"
As the title states here it is a Thanksgiving post. I am thankful for all my friends, what little my family that accepts me for who I am. Anyone that accepts me as the female that I am is to be appreciated. I am thankful that I have a place to stay and a job that allows me to transition on the job. I am thankful that I have customers that see me as any other girl. I am allowed to use the women's restroom and be referred to by my pronouns. As I continue to transition and be on "E" the more I am getting men to say ma'am to me. I know that I have done the right thing and will continue to do so as far as transitioning. Transitioning has taught me so very many valuable lessons. Since coming out as being trapped in the wrong body I have become open-minded. I was taught that being anything LGBT and being active in that so-called lifestyle that I would receive a one-way ticket straight to hell unless I repented of my so-called sins. I was taught to not be involved in the LGBT community or I would become one of them. Though I was not involved in their lives I still became one because I was born this way. They did not recruit me I was born both bisexual and a transsexual female. Instead of doing what I did to them before coming out they did the complete opposite and opened their arms wide open to me and accepted me for who I am. They forgave me for rejecting them because they did not want to do what I did to them to me. The LGBT community and trans community are there for me anytime I need them.I have become a different person since my coming out. I have become politically active. I fought for Marriage Equality which in turn taught me even more valuable lessons. Working with a Non Profit, Freedom Indiana which helped deliver Marriage Equality for all I learned how to achieve equality. Those valuable lessons that Freedom Indiana taught me made me want to create my own Non Profit. Those that know I am using my Non Profit to hopefully deliver rights for the trans community. I feel that all deserve to be treated equally and time for us to stand tall against those that make an attempt to oppress anyone they, the Christian Conservative Fundamentalists see fit to offend. They use the bible to oppress our community and so I want to deliver even more freedom to all. I strive to be inclusive to those I am around and not exclude anyone. Excluding anyone that is different than me I feel is wrong and needs to be stopped.
So to those that want to divide the human race based on their beliefs I urge you to reconsider and go back to applying the Golden Rule, "Do Unto Others that you want done to you." Another one that I urge you to go by is "If you have nothing good to say, then say nothing." We are all human beings and deserve your utmost respect and to be treated with dignity. I know I am thankful for all those involved in my life on the regular basis that I am both grateful and thankful for them. I am thankful for the allies for both the LGBT and Trans Communities who continue on standing in the gaps for fighting for our freedoms. I am reminded that we left England because we did not want an established religion. The reason why we fought for "Separation of Church and State. I am tired of having someone's religion shoved down my throat saying I am wrong and going to hell for transitioning. Our voices of setting the oppressed free needs to be the ones that needs to be heard and not those want for us to be oppressed.
Anyways I am forever thankful for all the love and support I receive on my YouTube Channel, here and my personal Facebook. If you need any love and support and some advice please email me at [email protected]
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Rights Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
So to those that want to divide the human race based on their beliefs I urge you to reconsider and go back to applying the Golden Rule, "Do Unto Others that you want done to you." Another one that I urge you to go by is "If you have nothing good to say, then say nothing." We are all human beings and deserve your utmost respect and to be treated with dignity. I know I am thankful for all those involved in my life on the regular basis that I am both grateful and thankful for them. I am thankful for the allies for both the LGBT and Trans Communities who continue on standing in the gaps for fighting for our freedoms. I am reminded that we left England because we did not want an established religion. The reason why we fought for "Separation of Church and State. I am tired of having someone's religion shoved down my throat saying I am wrong and going to hell for transitioning. Our voices of setting the oppressed free needs to be the ones that needs to be heard and not those want for us to be oppressed.
Anyways I am forever thankful for all the love and support I receive on my YouTube Channel, here and my personal Facebook. If you need any love and support and some advice please email me at [email protected]
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Rights Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
"7 Months of hrt mtf Sara"
Hi to those that have been following my transition from male to female and let me introduce myself who are just joining me on my journey. Hi, I am Sara and I am a MTF Pre Op Transsexual who self identifies as a bisexual. You see I grew up in a Christian Conservative Fundamentalist home where I was taught that if one is LGBT anyway shape or form and is active in that so-called lifestyle then one is to receive a one-way ticket straight to hell. You see I was born back in 1977 and was taught to live in a traditional way of life. A traditional way of life meant that I am supposed to live myself as a man that is a Christian or as I refer to "so-called Christian" and to marry a woman and have children and raise them the same way I was raised and I am supposed to be an Electrical Engineer just like my "so-called father". Earlier in my life he said that I failed him when I choose not to be an Electrical Engineer. I had tried to earn his love and tried my very hardest to be the man the world sees me as but all that led to me being a person that was absolutely miserable to be around who was angry and depressed all the time. For all these years I didn't have a clue as to why I was not happy with life. You see I was hiding from my truth. Hiding from my truth made me lie not only to myself but to others. I had to buy into my lie so I built this persona of who I was. I did a pretty good job of fooling myself but that is who all I was fooling. For decades I tried to be as manly as I possibly could. I tried to find myself. I gave myself a new look every so often that looked different and thought that would make me be able to find myself. But with each new look I didn't find myself. Back in my Jr. yeah in high school I started to do what I would define back then as "crossdressing" and found that it gave me a sexual pleasure but only did this twice because I was so afraid of my father finding out so I repressed this from me for 18 years. But 18 years later these feelings popped back in me but this time I bought my own clothes, shoes, makeup, nail polish and eventually a wig. But I still kept my feelings deep within myself as I was afraid of anyone that would find out. I did this for the rest of the year back in 2012 and partially in 2013. But these feelings started to surface to me where the more I ran the more these feelings would surface. I came out to myself back in June of 2012. I am completely accepted who I am in August that year. I prepared myself from that time forward with plans on transitioning. I worked on my makeup skills and painting my nails so I can present myself to the world as a female. I also had to work up the courage to be myself in the same town as my parents and sister and my old church. You see I had made a whole life as the old person I had tried so hard and knew so many people from that life. I knew how they thought about anyone that is apart of the LGBT community and hid that as I was not ready to make known who I really was. I started living part time as Sara in August of 2013 when a trans friend of mine came to live with me being that she saw even from Arizona that I was having a hard time with dealing with my feelings of knowing that I would living my life without my parents and sister and my nieces and nephews as she knew that family meant everything to me. But I had to go through what most trans people experience which is homeless along with being unemployed. I had most of my family wash their hands of me all because of my gender identity and expression. They simply choose their religion over me. They would rather have a dead son then alive, well-adjusted daughter who loves life. During my days of being homeless I bounced around from friend's places and shelters but survived it all. I experienced threats to my life both to be murdered to beaten up but survived that. Then one day I made it off the streets by finally making it all the way up the list of Section 8 then finding a place. Now a year earlier a friend of mine at my old church I came out to then she accepted me for just who I am. I knew she would because of her being a liberal though my old church taught against one being LGBT. She worked for a church during the week that paid for my conference that I went to after they offered to pay for it and that is where I found my 1st church and eventually two other ones that meet in the same building. But anyways she assisted me in signing up for Section 8. Now anyways after getting officially accepted into Section I started to look for a place to live and that did not take that long and a couple months later I landed a job where they allow me to be just who I am even though on my paperwork I go by my legal name there but go by my chosen name on my nametag. I get to use the women's restroom and go by my female pronouns. Not long after that I commenced another step in my transition and started HRT(Hormone Replacement Therapy). The next stop on my journey I checked off my list and got a hair weave because my male hormones caused me some balding and got tired of wearing a wig waiting on my own hair to grow. In the mean time I am taking both Biotine and a Vitamin B Complex to help me grow my hair out and use DHT Blocker Shampoo and Conditioner. The more I continue on being on "E" the happier I am becoming. I am feeling much more like who I should have been all along and experiencing all the emotions that come with being a female. There is no such thing as an owner's manual when dealing with female hormones so I deal with them as they come. One moment I can be laughing and the next I can be either pissed off or crying my eyes out so I just take it and wait for the storm to end and onto being happy. The longer I am on hormones the more men check me out and I get called ma'am which feels good. I also notice myself checking out men more and more. Right now I am not sure if I am more attracted to men or women but I do know I am a bisexual and I much more comfortable with that too. The more I become the woman outwardly as I been all along I do notice that men treat me differently then ever before. They treat me like a sex object and that they are the ones in charge as my opinion doesn't matter and that part does not feel good. There are men that I have noticed that just want to get into my panties rather they want to admit it or not. They are afraid of admitting when around their men friends because they are afraid of being seen as LGBT but not so much when they are alone and around me. Those that have questions about me and my journey rather you are feeling like you are trapped in the wrong body or know someone who is. If you want me to answer questions for you, you can direct them to [email protected]. If you feel suicidal then call 911. It is not worth it there are so many out there that love you for you and it would hurt them. You are not alone in this as I once thought the same. I have learned throughout my journey that I am not transitioning alone. My friends, chosen family, church families, trans community and my Facebook friends. It doesn't matter if they are trans or not because they are transitioning right alongside you. I am here for you as well as I know it is important to have someone who has been where you are. I can pass along advise that I have come to know myself and through those that started transitioning before me. Now this is my narrative and not others this is my story of my transition and we each have our own experiences so I do not speak for the trans community. There is no one person who speaks for the trans community. Have a very Happy Thanksgiving and a very Happy Thanksgiving!
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
“FASHION TIPS FOR TRANSSEXUAL FEMALES”
First of find out your body type because you do not want to look like a man in a dress. Once you have found your body type the next step is to find clothes that fit your body type. Now if you are not on “E” as in Estradial or in the early stages of HRT you do not worry you can still look feminine with a little work and with little money. You can go to Amazon online and sign up for an account and start searching for breast prosthetics and shapers. Depending on how much you want to afford all you then is got to do start shopping. Now for shoes I would go mostly for flats and sneakers depending on the outfit and occasionally wear kitten heels and slowly and maturely as you master how to walk in them and gain the confidence then move up the size of the heel gradually. There are different types of surfaces to consider that you will be walking in heels so adjust accordingly. Then slowly and depending on the occasion I will gradually increase the time wearing heels out and about. Now back to clothes themselves I would study the females around you that are in your age range and see what they are wearing. Another resource is in Pinterest. You can sign up for an account on Pinterest and like most people have Facebook so you can link your Facebook with your Pinterest and start your search. Search for fashion for girls in your age range and start taking mental notes of the girl around you and that website. Go to your local stores that girls in your age range would shop and check out the clothes in your age range would wear and within your budget. But before shopping you need to look what your bills are and what you make. I would put your bills first and leave plenty of money aside to save and what money is left is your clothing allowance. Transitioning and living full time is not cheap so plan accordingly so you can live full time as a working transsexual female. I cannot stress enough to make sure your bills are paid up as they are your first priority and save, save, save and stay within your budget. The money that you have as your clothing allowance you can use it to purchase for clothes, shoes, accessories and makeup and look for sales so you can save even more money than you planned to originally.
Now let’s talk makeup. The first thing is to know what kind of skin you have. There is the oily skin, dry skin, or the combination of oily and dry skin. The next thing is to consider is what your skin tone is. Then you can decide on concealer especially if you are not quite on HRT(Hormone Replacement Therapy) or in the early stages. If you are like me I have not had my facial hair lasored off and have a heavy beard. So for me I was my facial hair area with a cleanser, then apply shaving cream, then I shave as I do normally the first time which is in the down direction, then I shave against the grain which is in the opposite direction so I get a close shave. Now since I have a weave which is for me is human hair I do not wash my hair but hope in the shower and wash my body then dry it off and get dressed. Then I moisturize my skin two ways, one with a moisturizer cloth, then with a moisturizer liquid, then I put on a makeup primer then I put on a light tone concealer and blend it into my skin then I apply a light tone of foundation then blend in another layer of foundation that is a little bit darker then the 1st to help hide the beard line and to further help I put on a light layer of powder foundation, then apply blush. I then proceed to apply to the apple of my eye some blush, then apply mascara then pencil on some eyeliner to the bottom of my eye. Then I proceed to eyebrow gel so I can apply brow drama to fill in my eyebrows and give them a more feminine look to them. Last but least I work on the lips and since I have natural full lips I do not need lip liner so I put on lipstick, then lip gloss. After all the makeup is on then I spray some setter so my makeup can stay fresh longer. Then I take off my bonnet that is on my head since before going to bed and untie it so I can run my fingers through it and off I go.
But anyways you can go to your local makeup counter like a Macy’s and get some makeup lessons and then you can practice to perfect your makeup skills. Any questions you can direct them at [email protected] or [email protected] Thank you and have a nice weekend!
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
PS. My advice is to blend in with the cisgender women being that violence towards trans people especially trans people of color are at an all-time high of experiencing violence all because of our gender identity and expression. And one last thing I do not speak for all trans people but simply from my own experiences.
Now let’s talk makeup. The first thing is to know what kind of skin you have. There is the oily skin, dry skin, or the combination of oily and dry skin. The next thing is to consider is what your skin tone is. Then you can decide on concealer especially if you are not quite on HRT(Hormone Replacement Therapy) or in the early stages. If you are like me I have not had my facial hair lasored off and have a heavy beard. So for me I was my facial hair area with a cleanser, then apply shaving cream, then I shave as I do normally the first time which is in the down direction, then I shave against the grain which is in the opposite direction so I get a close shave. Now since I have a weave which is for me is human hair I do not wash my hair but hope in the shower and wash my body then dry it off and get dressed. Then I moisturize my skin two ways, one with a moisturizer cloth, then with a moisturizer liquid, then I put on a makeup primer then I put on a light tone concealer and blend it into my skin then I apply a light tone of foundation then blend in another layer of foundation that is a little bit darker then the 1st to help hide the beard line and to further help I put on a light layer of powder foundation, then apply blush. I then proceed to apply to the apple of my eye some blush, then apply mascara then pencil on some eyeliner to the bottom of my eye. Then I proceed to eyebrow gel so I can apply brow drama to fill in my eyebrows and give them a more feminine look to them. Last but least I work on the lips and since I have natural full lips I do not need lip liner so I put on lipstick, then lip gloss. After all the makeup is on then I spray some setter so my makeup can stay fresh longer. Then I take off my bonnet that is on my head since before going to bed and untie it so I can run my fingers through it and off I go.
But anyways you can go to your local makeup counter like a Macy’s and get some makeup lessons and then you can practice to perfect your makeup skills. Any questions you can direct them at [email protected] or [email protected] Thank you and have a nice weekend!
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
PS. My advice is to blend in with the cisgender women being that violence towards trans people especially trans people of color are at an all-time high of experiencing violence all because of our gender identity and expression. And one last thing I do not speak for all trans people but simply from my own experiences.
"Trans Visibility"
Wrote this on my notes for this post Oct.28th since then I am back to regular dosage of Estrodial and work situation a little better.
It is extremely important for me personally to be visible because the more visible I am the more the comfort level rises for society. The more comfort the level for society the more the conversation will be had so society can learn that we are humans that are simply different. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being different. People need to learn that we are more diverse than previously once thought. It time for society to turn a death ear to the Christian Fundamentalists because they misrepresent Christ because of their hatred which Christ himself taught against. Instead he was all about love of which they claim they are doing.Progressive Christians truly represent Christ by showing love exactly what Christ is all about. Christ came to live amongst us to set the oppressed free which today it is the trans community. The Christian Fundamentalists want us deep in the closet and be who they see us as. They show absolutely no compassion for anyone that doesn't think just like them. We need to take a stand and not just the trans community but all our allies against the Christian Fundamentalists. It is because of them this is the worst year for the trans community for being murdered and committing suicide. For example they would rather have me as a dead man rather be by murder or suicide then be a well-adjusted woman who has a whole lifetime ahead of her. As I write this post I am struggling with a boat load of emotions. I am presently waiting on a refill of Estrodial so I am low and wondering how I will deal with this setback. I am dwelling on my loss of family during the holidays all because they choose their religion over me wanting my personal happiness. I choose to live and in order to be happy that means transitioning to live the life openly as a female I have always been. Then to make things worse I am walking around eggshells around a Supervisor, A Student Supervisor to be more specific and not quite sure if it has to do with my gender identity or she sees my economic status being that she is a part of a Sorority which are rich girls and not poor like me just trying to make it in this life and ultimately blaming my economic status on me choosing to transition for my situation. But there are ways to cope with the hormones that taking to occupy one's mind . I cope for instance writing this blog for instance even way before I knew I was trans and transitioning is that I love to help others. Helping others make me feel good because I am showing others they are worth it. We are all different in our own unique but wonderful way. There is so much diversity that is dripping all over us. Deep down no one is vanilla though the vast majority try because of our society. Society wants everyone to look, talk and do whatever one can imagine to be alike. Deep down all of this is influenced by religion. People are like sheep with each following the other. But I step out of faith that God will take care of me by me coming out. Her children well the majority but not all are fundamentally flawed. But the tide is slowly towards of acceptance of all except those who show bigotry. What society needs is to stop listening those who are filled with hatred in their hearts and listen to their own. But 1st they should ask what if their own children had the feelings of being trapped in the wrong body. Now I wished my own parents would have thought that way. They would rather see me suffer then to prosper. I spent nine months homeless give or take a month here or there to find a place to live and another couple months to find a place of employment. Statistics are against a transperson whom is both homeless and unemployed to make it. Most places do not want to hire someone who is either homeless or a transperson but it is worse for someone whom is both homeless and a transperson. Now I do understand that a homeless person is more likely to be unreliable for an employer to show up to work and not be clean and smell good and that they have to think of making a profit for the company and they also have to consider that a lot of people do not accept people who identify as trans. They think that they might lose business if they hire a transperson so that is why society needs to turn a death ear to the Christian Fundamentalists. They have controlled things long enough and have fooled way too many people to hate people simply for being different. Take it from me personally it is not an easy life to live as a transperson but I at the beginning and ending of a day have to be around myself and sleep with myself 24-7. Before coming out and trying to live as a man and then trying to live 2 different lives it was tiring me out physically, spiritually, mentally and worse, Physiologically. I finally hit that wall and had a fork in the road kind of moment where I had 2 choices which were 1) Do I want to live or 2) Do I want to die? If I choose 1) then I choose to live or if I choose 2) then I attempt and hopefully commit suicide. In the end I choose 1) so that is why I am transitioning. Before coming to grips of just who I am and coming out I did at one point choose 2) and made an attempt on my life and since I didn't die I wondered why God spared my life and realized she gave me a huge purpose in life which is to educate those that there is nothing wrong with being trans and that one can be both a transperson and still be a Christian. Thank you all for letting me share with you all here and have a wonderful and beautiful weekend!
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Rights Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
It is extremely important for me personally to be visible because the more visible I am the more the comfort level rises for society. The more comfort the level for society the more the conversation will be had so society can learn that we are humans that are simply different. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being different. People need to learn that we are more diverse than previously once thought. It time for society to turn a death ear to the Christian Fundamentalists because they misrepresent Christ because of their hatred which Christ himself taught against. Instead he was all about love of which they claim they are doing.Progressive Christians truly represent Christ by showing love exactly what Christ is all about. Christ came to live amongst us to set the oppressed free which today it is the trans community. The Christian Fundamentalists want us deep in the closet and be who they see us as. They show absolutely no compassion for anyone that doesn't think just like them. We need to take a stand and not just the trans community but all our allies against the Christian Fundamentalists. It is because of them this is the worst year for the trans community for being murdered and committing suicide. For example they would rather have me as a dead man rather be by murder or suicide then be a well-adjusted woman who has a whole lifetime ahead of her. As I write this post I am struggling with a boat load of emotions. I am presently waiting on a refill of Estrodial so I am low and wondering how I will deal with this setback. I am dwelling on my loss of family during the holidays all because they choose their religion over me wanting my personal happiness. I choose to live and in order to be happy that means transitioning to live the life openly as a female I have always been. Then to make things worse I am walking around eggshells around a Supervisor, A Student Supervisor to be more specific and not quite sure if it has to do with my gender identity or she sees my economic status being that she is a part of a Sorority which are rich girls and not poor like me just trying to make it in this life and ultimately blaming my economic status on me choosing to transition for my situation. But there are ways to cope with the hormones that taking to occupy one's mind . I cope for instance writing this blog for instance even way before I knew I was trans and transitioning is that I love to help others. Helping others make me feel good because I am showing others they are worth it. We are all different in our own unique but wonderful way. There is so much diversity that is dripping all over us. Deep down no one is vanilla though the vast majority try because of our society. Society wants everyone to look, talk and do whatever one can imagine to be alike. Deep down all of this is influenced by religion. People are like sheep with each following the other. But I step out of faith that God will take care of me by me coming out. Her children well the majority but not all are fundamentally flawed. But the tide is slowly towards of acceptance of all except those who show bigotry. What society needs is to stop listening those who are filled with hatred in their hearts and listen to their own. But 1st they should ask what if their own children had the feelings of being trapped in the wrong body. Now I wished my own parents would have thought that way. They would rather see me suffer then to prosper. I spent nine months homeless give or take a month here or there to find a place to live and another couple months to find a place of employment. Statistics are against a transperson whom is both homeless and unemployed to make it. Most places do not want to hire someone who is either homeless or a transperson but it is worse for someone whom is both homeless and a transperson. Now I do understand that a homeless person is more likely to be unreliable for an employer to show up to work and not be clean and smell good and that they have to think of making a profit for the company and they also have to consider that a lot of people do not accept people who identify as trans. They think that they might lose business if they hire a transperson so that is why society needs to turn a death ear to the Christian Fundamentalists. They have controlled things long enough and have fooled way too many people to hate people simply for being different. Take it from me personally it is not an easy life to live as a transperson but I at the beginning and ending of a day have to be around myself and sleep with myself 24-7. Before coming out and trying to live as a man and then trying to live 2 different lives it was tiring me out physically, spiritually, mentally and worse, Physiologically. I finally hit that wall and had a fork in the road kind of moment where I had 2 choices which were 1) Do I want to live or 2) Do I want to die? If I choose 1) then I choose to live or if I choose 2) then I attempt and hopefully commit suicide. In the end I choose 1) so that is why I am transitioning. Before coming to grips of just who I am and coming out I did at one point choose 2) and made an attempt on my life and since I didn't die I wondered why God spared my life and realized she gave me a huge purpose in life which is to educate those that there is nothing wrong with being trans and that one can be both a transperson and still be a Christian. Thank you all for letting me share with you all here and have a wonderful and beautiful weekend!
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Rights Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
WHAT IS TRANSPHOBIA AND WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?”
Now the title pretty much states what this post is going to be. So let’s delve into the topic at hand. What is Transphobia and what does it look like? Let me break it down for you. First off phobia is a fear of something so transphobia is a fear of trans. There are a lot of issues pertaining to the trans community. First off the world around is dominated by both the religious fundamentalists and cisgenders. Now I just threw out some terms that most are not antiquated with here. So Cisgender people are people that are assigned a particular gender at birth and identify with that gender. Now most do not even think about what is their gender identity because the known facts and I mean known facts that 1 in 100,000 identify somewhere in the gender spectrum. Now I feel that figure is deflated because of the media is biased against the trans community. Like I previously stated before most people identify as Christians and most I feel grew up in a Fundamentist. Now I am not saying all are bad so I am speaking from my own perspective and experiences and I do not speak for all trans people but only me. But where I attended most of my life I was taught if one is apart of the LGBT community and active in it is getting a one-way ticket straight to hell unless they repent of their sins. Repenting is turning back to God. They think that one has to live a traditional way of life getting married to a woman if you are a man and if you are a woman getting married to a man. That if you feel like you are a woman when you were assigned at birth as a man then you are not to change your gender but seeking counseling and be a good Christian man. They think that one decides to change genders and that one is not trans which is ridicules to me. Now I knew I threw out another term that some are not familiar with and that is Fundamentalist Christian. Well Fundamentalist Christians take the bible very serious and go to great lengths to force people to live traditional way of lives even though they are attracted to the same gender or identify a gender then one was assigned at birth and feel it is a sin to live their lives that go against their teachings. They are taught that one, that being the parishioners to bring that person to knowledge of their interpretations of the bible that they have been taught and return to that. Now if they are not coming back to their teachings then they are to bring people referred to Elders which are experienced Christian Men who have grown children who are living lives as Christians to consult them and attempt that person to return to the teachings and if that doesn’t work then they are kicked out of their church. They will do anything to bring them back and feel like it is their God-given duty to do anything to get them to change their ways even if it is in violence which they feel God allows them to do so. I feel like a majority of the deaths or suicides committed is blood that has been spilt at the hands of the parishioners and the Minister of that church or churches. Teachings of hatred from these churches I feel are good enough reason to have a bill on the books that allows government rather it be state which I feel is the best approach is to go around and see if these are happening and if so then they are shut down until they change their ways and if not then they are permanently shut down due to hate speech. This is been a very bad year of trans violence. There are 26 trans people and mostly of color murdered due to living authentic lives as the gender they are truly. Now this has got to stop or it will get much worse. There needs to be stricter guidelines to prevent any discrimination from being trans. Now something else that may not look like much is outing a trans person. Now you may not try to hurt or get a trans person hurt but you need to think of their personal safety. There is still a majority of people that hold traditional views and will go the great lengths to make someone who identify as trans back into the closet and if not there could be great consequences if they do not go back.
Now another part of transphobia is for me being a trans woman for instance is to say that I am just a man that wants to be a woman while wearing a dress. Another common accusation is saying that we just want to gain access to the woman’s bathroom so we can peek. Or another one that I hear quite a lot is that we are perverts and are child molesters. For me that last two ones being perverts and child molesters is what I hear a lot outside of work. When I was homeless I would receive threats daily to my safety and welfare like to get murdered or at least beaten up. Now imagine having to go through all of that and saying it is a choice for a trans person to be one. If it were a choice and I have to face even that then why would I choice to be trans? Hmm! To top that off is I have been disowned and lost a job all on the same day which eventually led to me being homeless for over 9 months so once again why would I choose to be trans if that happens to me? Hmm! Imagine having to go through all of that and still continuing on transitioning I did that because I knew as bad as that was if I didn’t transition then I would become a part of the 41% of the trans community that has made an attempt on their life which I did try before coming out to my family because I knew I would lose their love and support. But at the same time I knew that if I didn’t transition then I would not make it. When I botched the attempt on my life I knew right there and then I had survived for a reason. I now know that I must educate as many people as I can about what it means to be trans and what an average one goes through and hopefully make an impact on someone’s life to be open-minded and show even an ounce of sympathy even if they them self-have never experienced what it means to be trapped in the wrong body as I experience daily.
If one wants to educate them self what it means to be trans and what we go through in our daily lives a great way is attend a local TDOR(Trans Day of Remembrance) there will be trans allies and of course trans people to help you through your learning curve and will be patient with you as you are learning. Pronouns are important to us be we will understand if you get them wrong and if you notice that you did indeed get them wrong do not make a BIG deal and correct yourself and we will understand well at least I will. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to educate you about this all important topic involving transsexuality. If you have any questions, concerns or need someone to talk to you can either email me at [email protected] or [email protected]. Now if you feel suicidal and can’t seem to find that inner peace call your local 911 or 1-800-273-TALK.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Now another part of transphobia is for me being a trans woman for instance is to say that I am just a man that wants to be a woman while wearing a dress. Another common accusation is saying that we just want to gain access to the woman’s bathroom so we can peek. Or another one that I hear quite a lot is that we are perverts and are child molesters. For me that last two ones being perverts and child molesters is what I hear a lot outside of work. When I was homeless I would receive threats daily to my safety and welfare like to get murdered or at least beaten up. Now imagine having to go through all of that and saying it is a choice for a trans person to be one. If it were a choice and I have to face even that then why would I choice to be trans? Hmm! To top that off is I have been disowned and lost a job all on the same day which eventually led to me being homeless for over 9 months so once again why would I choose to be trans if that happens to me? Hmm! Imagine having to go through all of that and still continuing on transitioning I did that because I knew as bad as that was if I didn’t transition then I would become a part of the 41% of the trans community that has made an attempt on their life which I did try before coming out to my family because I knew I would lose their love and support. But at the same time I knew that if I didn’t transition then I would not make it. When I botched the attempt on my life I knew right there and then I had survived for a reason. I now know that I must educate as many people as I can about what it means to be trans and what an average one goes through and hopefully make an impact on someone’s life to be open-minded and show even an ounce of sympathy even if they them self-have never experienced what it means to be trapped in the wrong body as I experience daily.
If one wants to educate them self what it means to be trans and what we go through in our daily lives a great way is attend a local TDOR(Trans Day of Remembrance) there will be trans allies and of course trans people to help you through your learning curve and will be patient with you as you are learning. Pronouns are important to us be we will understand if you get them wrong and if you notice that you did indeed get them wrong do not make a BIG deal and correct yourself and we will understand well at least I will. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to educate you about this all important topic involving transsexuality. If you have any questions, concerns or need someone to talk to you can either email me at [email protected] or [email protected]. Now if you feel suicidal and can’t seem to find that inner peace call your local 911 or 1-800-273-TALK.
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Most do not know it feels to be trans. It is said that 1 in one 100,000 do not identify with their assigned gender they receive at birth. Now this post is inspired by a song I heard when I was much younger. The song is called “You Do Not Know How It Feels.” Most feel that one simply chooses to be trans. But one simply chooses to feel comfort in their own skin though and does not choose to be trans though. Religion is a huge reason why most do not come out as trans. Another reason why most do not come out is because of family. From my personal experiences is both because of religion and family had me deep into the closet. Religion puts one to shame for experiencing one gender over the gender they were assigned at birth. You see I was raised in the Church of Christ or as I commonly refer to them as a “Church of Control.” I was taught anything out of the Straight and Cisgender normative that one would receive a one-way ticket straight to hell. I refer the Church of Christ to “Church of Control” is they are uncomfortable both the LGBT and trans. There is very little to do with the LGBT in the bible and none with trans. The closet thing is Eunuchs. But a Eunuch is just a castrated man. They, the Church of Christ I feel take the bible way out of context and way too literally. Like my main church I take the bible seriously just not literally. The bible uses symbolic language more than realized. One can’t judge a trans person by simply not being in the shoes of a trans person. One does not know how it feels to be trans. Earlier I mentioned that one of the misnomers is that people seem to think that one chooses to be trans. Now let me dive into that statement. I have experienced what most do not get to experience. 1st off I came out as being trapped in the wrong body which is what the term trans means. In order for one to do HRT(Hormone Replacement Therapy) I have to go through the necessary steps to transition. We go through a procedure referred to as the WPath Standards of Care(World Professional Association for Trans Health.) Now I shortened the word to trans being there is a debate rather the term is transsexual or transgender and so there will not be a debate over the term I went with trans to make all happy. Anyways in the Psychiatrist world we basically have to prove that this what we, the trans individual want to do and that we understand what all is involved in the step of HRT and that the results are irreversible. We get an evaluation to make sure that our mental health is good to go ahead with the all-important step to transition to the gender we feel deep with inside of us truly are. Now going back to what all we have to go through that most cannot even begin to fathom is for me personally I have been disowned by my family all in the name of religion and on that same day I lost my job. Now in the past I had assistance from my family when I was in between jobs but since I had absolutely no support from them I was made homeless. Though I live in a very Liberal town I was surrounded by those that were also homeless from other counties. Indiana is a Conservative state and I live in a liberal town while most of Indiana is not. So I had other homeless people that were shuttled from their Conservative parts of Indiana into Bloomington, a Liberal town. I was also raised in a very Conservative and Christian Fundamental household so you can see they would reject my gender identity. They think that gender identity and being gay are the same. My own parents think if I am this trans girl and dating a girl rather trans or not that I am a lesbian which goes against the teachings of the bible. Now if they which they do see me as a man still and date a man then I am a gay man which also goes against my teachings of the bible too. So either way they say that I am violating God’s commands and that I am going straight to hell for that apparent violation. But back to my point we, the trans community face discrimination from our families, religion, job, where we live, basic health care is also another area where we receive discrimination. Then we can receive death threats or at least get assaulted for simply living our lives authentically as we see fit. Now not all face all of this but most of us do. Now I am writing this out of my own experiences and out of the Male to Female Transsexual point of view and do not speak for all transsexuals but for me. I feel it is important to make sure that you, my audience know that I do not speak for all transsexuals. We all have our own unique experiences so I want to make that plainly clear. So for those that have not met a trans individual I implore you when you meet one give them a chance. Get to know them before jumping to a conclusion. I know that here in America a lot come from a Church background rather a Fundamentalist one or Progressive type so please put your religion on the back burner and open both your mind and heart. By opening your mind and heart you are listening to their life story to where they are in their transition. Now I know for me I want to balance being visible as being trans and going stealth. If I go stealth all the time I feel that I am not doing any or at least good for the trans community. I want to be visible being trans when it is safe but when I know that I am may not be safe being trans then I do make sure that I am stealth at that present time. That is why I think or know that we, the trans community need a law on the books nationally, locally and by state and also globally that protects trans people such as myself from violence and able to lead a life like anyone else. I just want to be me and no one else. Everyone is unique unto them self rather trans, cisgender, straight, gay, bisexual, lesbian or anything on both the gender and sexual orientation spectrums. We may have some common things between us and things that we may not agree on. I want to go back to where “The Golden Rule” is observed and used. If you do not have anything nice to say then do not say it. Treat someone like you want to be treated. Those ideas have worked for ever but used nearly as much as it used to be. We need to all go by these because of their history. It has said not to fix what is not broken so be nice to everyone and I do mean everyone. Thank you for letting me share with you all of what I have had to get off my chest. Have a wonderful week!
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
PS. Enjoy these pics from my latest transition pics!!
-Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
PS. Enjoy these pics from my latest transition pics!!
“COMING OUT RELEASED MY CREATIVITY OUT OF CAPTIVITY”
Like the title mentions coming out released my creativity out of captivity. Holding back my creativity was caused by all the energy that I had spent trying my best to put on display the person whom the world said I was. The world is still to this day controlled by the Religious Fundamentals all because of these people who identify as Conservatives. Now I am not saying all Conservatives are bad but just going by my personal experiences. Now some of those that are in my corner are Conservatives but that is because they know someone in their personal lives that are LGBT in some way or another and do have an open mind but there are some that simply reject because their religion says to. They can’t seem to think for themselves and still drink the “Kool Aid” that I once drank which held me back from living an authentic life. It made me all depressed, angry and an outright miserable person to be around. Those that were and some that are still close to me I held them back at an arm’s length out of fear they get to know the real me and reject. Rejection was at the forefront of why I choose to hide my true identity. Fear was the like the Officer guarding the jail walls of my life it made sure I didn’t escape the captivity and live up to my potential as most of humanity get to experience. Slowly I have started living freely as I truly was meant to all along. Coming out led to me opening the vault of my creativity. It is not uncommon for trans people finding their inner creativity by simply freeing ourselves of living as the world sees fit we find that we are creative from what I have read and the conversations. I myself am very creative in my writings and self- expression in that very arena. Others learn they are creative musically while others poetically and other areas to name a few. I had to learn about myself and how to build my blog subjects that came to mind but it comes so much naturally the more I live openly. While still very much in the closet writing a paper was a chore maybe some of it was because the lack of interest in the subject while the other is because the creative juices were not present at all. It took all the energy that I had to hide who I was truly. I deep down inside wanted to bust through the walls of oppression and live openly but I didn’t want to lose my family and friends that I had built over the years. When I learned of my identity I slowly started coming out to those I felt would accept me for who I am which I learned was the right idea because it meant building my support group later down the road. But I learned though I had slowly came out to those I was close to that accepted me it drained me physically, emotionally, psychology, spiritually so I started coming out to more people at a time but not before my own nuclear family. It came to a point where I was not functioning properly and taking care of business like I needed because I was getting more and more removed from achieving even the basic things of life because I was tiring myself from all the secretly living 2 separate lives. Having to be one person to one set of people that I truly didn’t identify as then turn around to another different set of people being who I truly identified wore me out. But what made me come out was my friends that said they believe in me which inspired me to come out in the first place.
When pressed for what coming out means to me? I would have to say it is a coming to know myself moment. Before when I was hiding in the closet and I mean deep in the pits of the closet I thought I knew myself quite well. In fact I boasted to my coworkers and management team in a previous job well a couple jobs ago that I knew myself better than anyone plain and simple. But when I came out I found out that I barely knew myself at all. Why would anyone be in the closet? Well, when the world is very much still surrounded with Fundamentalist Christian theology you pretty much do not want to rock the boat and stick out like a sore thumb and receive their judgment at all. But when one was is hiding in the closet for all those years like me you finally hit that wall and wanna bust out and one day you bam I can’t take it anymore and finally admit to yourself I am a transsexual and then you are finally free or at least starting to be free and you can finally breathe for only a second. You realize that you just only begun your coming out journey. A “Coming Out Journey” sounds like a daunting task but must be done when you want to commence your HRT and eventually SRS. But getting back to coming out for me was I had the slate wiped clean with my own self. I had to now get to know myself, the real me. There are still parts of me that have not changed one bit. I am still a sports fan, I love my Colts, I love my Cubs and boy do I. The Cubs are finally giving me just what I want, excitement. I also love my Chicago Bulls and Indiana University Football and Basketball. But I have learned that I am quite the Democrat and I am a political activist. I assisted with Freedom Indiana, a Non-Profit to achieve what once was missing, Marriage Equality. But I love to cook and write which I am truly creative as the more I am true to myself the more creative my brain is. I love fashion and can talk about it for hrs. I love movies especially what is deemed “Chick Flicks” and love music especially Classical music. My passion for life before coming out was not even close to being there. In fact I made an attempt on my life. I was so depressed that I badly wanted to end it all. But coming out and transitioning to the female that I have been all along has made me turn that once upside down frown to a smile. I smile from ear to ear and feel very fortunate to still be alive living out my dream. That dream still continues to amaze me and still growing to higher height than ever before. I now want to pursue a career into acting and feel it is absolutely necessary to show the industry and the world that we so desperately need more trans actors and actresses to play the trans characters roles that ever so increasing. I feel that we need more of the trans to get a shot at playing trans roles because we know more than anyone what we go through so it would make it so much more realistic and educate the masses while yet still entertaining them as well. Hope you have all been enlightened by this post and have an amazing and fabulous week ya’ll!!!
Kisses,
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
When pressed for what coming out means to me? I would have to say it is a coming to know myself moment. Before when I was hiding in the closet and I mean deep in the pits of the closet I thought I knew myself quite well. In fact I boasted to my coworkers and management team in a previous job well a couple jobs ago that I knew myself better than anyone plain and simple. But when I came out I found out that I barely knew myself at all. Why would anyone be in the closet? Well, when the world is very much still surrounded with Fundamentalist Christian theology you pretty much do not want to rock the boat and stick out like a sore thumb and receive their judgment at all. But when one was is hiding in the closet for all those years like me you finally hit that wall and wanna bust out and one day you bam I can’t take it anymore and finally admit to yourself I am a transsexual and then you are finally free or at least starting to be free and you can finally breathe for only a second. You realize that you just only begun your coming out journey. A “Coming Out Journey” sounds like a daunting task but must be done when you want to commence your HRT and eventually SRS. But getting back to coming out for me was I had the slate wiped clean with my own self. I had to now get to know myself, the real me. There are still parts of me that have not changed one bit. I am still a sports fan, I love my Colts, I love my Cubs and boy do I. The Cubs are finally giving me just what I want, excitement. I also love my Chicago Bulls and Indiana University Football and Basketball. But I have learned that I am quite the Democrat and I am a political activist. I assisted with Freedom Indiana, a Non-Profit to achieve what once was missing, Marriage Equality. But I love to cook and write which I am truly creative as the more I am true to myself the more creative my brain is. I love fashion and can talk about it for hrs. I love movies especially what is deemed “Chick Flicks” and love music especially Classical music. My passion for life before coming out was not even close to being there. In fact I made an attempt on my life. I was so depressed that I badly wanted to end it all. But coming out and transitioning to the female that I have been all along has made me turn that once upside down frown to a smile. I smile from ear to ear and feel very fortunate to still be alive living out my dream. That dream still continues to amaze me and still growing to higher height than ever before. I now want to pursue a career into acting and feel it is absolutely necessary to show the industry and the world that we so desperately need more trans actors and actresses to play the trans characters roles that ever so increasing. I feel that we need more of the trans to get a shot at playing trans roles because we know more than anyone what we go through so it would make it so much more realistic and educate the masses while yet still entertaining them as well. Hope you have all been enlightened by this post and have an amazing and fabulous week ya’ll!!!
Kisses,
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
“GOD, RELIGION, AND TRANSSEXUALITY”
There is a whole lot of debate about transsexuality and religion now that the fight over same sex marriage equality has been won. The Christian Fundamentalists know that fight is over and they lost what they want from our government and that issue so they now fight transsexuals to keep us from achieving equality. They feel that it is their God-given rights to discriminate anyone that doesn’t fit into the norm. They feel that we, the trans community and non-gender conforming are going against God and that they need to correct us from our so-called sins. They feel that we are perverts for dressing the opposite gender’s clothing and that alone that we are going straight to hell for that. They are so quick to point out in their bibles in Deuteronomy 22:5 which states: 5 A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this. Now they are attempting to pull out the rabbit out of the hat but what they are really doing is pulling the passage out of context. They commonly use this against we, the trans community, crossdressers. Now they teach as I would know that I used to go to one of these kinds of churches, teach to think who wrote it, to whom, what it meant to them and how can we apply it to today. But what they do is grasp straws that are not there at all. But it was written by Moses to those that worshipped false gods. They the people that practiced this would dress in the opposite gender’s clothing and prostitute them self to their false god and that would anger God so God had Moses write to them about their practices and to put an end to this practice. Now they think that transsexuality is like the same as being gay or avoiding the claim of being gay. So they pull out the passage in the bible in Leviticus 18:22 which states: 22 “‘Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable. But they fail to realize that gender identity is not the same as sexual orientation. Gender identity is a person's inner sense of being male or female, usually developedduring early childhood as a result of parental rearing practices andsocietal influences and strengthened during puberty by hormonal changes. Now this the definition that comes from dictionary.com which I feel gives a better definition then I can give which is clearer than mine own. Now sexual orientation is one's natural preference in sexual partners; predilection for homosexuality, heterosexuality, or bisexuality. Like the other definition it comes from dictionary.com. They feel that God is against those that are attracted to the same gender but that is not even in the 10 commandments. The 10 commandments are these: Thou shalt have no other gods
For me in my transition I had to reconcile me being a transsexual with my identity as a Christian. Like I have said before and will repoint out is I am a Progressive Christian one that truly associates with the ideology and attitude of Christ, Himself. I believe that Christ did come to the world to set the oppress free and today if He would return to live amongst us he would set the oppress free once again. This time the oppress is the transsexuals and Gender Non-Conforming community. I do reconcile myself being a transsexual and being a Christian, a Progressive one. My journey of transitioning to the female that I am truly has not been an easy one but today I feel that one has me truly appreciate the journey that I am on. There is this song in the Christian world by a young lady named Mandisa that sings a song called Stronger which I feel describes me to a “T.” Here are the lyrics: Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather
Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares
[Chorus:]
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you Stronger
Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares
[Chorus]
'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Now I take it that God is there and has a mission for me to live out my life by and I am working the best that I can to do just that. My mission is to show the world would transitioning looks like and what we go through just to live an authentic life here on earth. My job is to educate the masses of what a transsexual’s life looks like and to accept us who we are and we too are humans. Now God will take me where I have started and will make sure that I will be able to complete it. The longer I transition to the female that I am truly, the stronger that I do become. My faith is growing daily by leaps and bounds and it is not by chance. The more I lean on God and Christ the stronger I become. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength as it states in Philippians. Anything is possible for those that simply believe. I live by the mantra: “Believe to achieve.” The more I believe the more I can achieve in my journey. The more I transition the more I can achieve and the happier I become. Now my journey has not always been easy but I do belief all that I have accomplished makes me not take it at all for granted. It may have taken me a bit to get to where I am now but I am happier for taking the road less traveled. If you need a friend that has taken the steps to transition or an ear to listen to you feel free to email me at [email protected] or [email protected] and I will get back to you ASAP as I do have a busy schedule but I will get back to you though. Have an fabulous weekend all!!!
Kisses,
Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Rights Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
- No graven images or likenesses
- Not take the LORD's name in vain
- Remember the sabbath day
- Honour thy father and thy mother
- Thou shalt not kill
- Thou shalt not commit adultery
- Thou shalt not steal
- Thou shalt not bear false witness
- Thou shalt not covet
For me in my transition I had to reconcile me being a transsexual with my identity as a Christian. Like I have said before and will repoint out is I am a Progressive Christian one that truly associates with the ideology and attitude of Christ, Himself. I believe that Christ did come to the world to set the oppress free and today if He would return to live amongst us he would set the oppress free once again. This time the oppress is the transsexuals and Gender Non-Conforming community. I do reconcile myself being a transsexual and being a Christian, a Progressive one. My journey of transitioning to the female that I am truly has not been an easy one but today I feel that one has me truly appreciate the journey that I am on. There is this song in the Christian world by a young lady named Mandisa that sings a song called Stronger which I feel describes me to a “T.” Here are the lyrics: Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather
Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares
[Chorus:]
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you Stronger
Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares
[Chorus]
'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Now I take it that God is there and has a mission for me to live out my life by and I am working the best that I can to do just that. My mission is to show the world would transitioning looks like and what we go through just to live an authentic life here on earth. My job is to educate the masses of what a transsexual’s life looks like and to accept us who we are and we too are humans. Now God will take me where I have started and will make sure that I will be able to complete it. The longer I transition to the female that I am truly, the stronger that I do become. My faith is growing daily by leaps and bounds and it is not by chance. The more I lean on God and Christ the stronger I become. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength as it states in Philippians. Anything is possible for those that simply believe. I live by the mantra: “Believe to achieve.” The more I believe the more I can achieve in my journey. The more I transition the more I can achieve and the happier I become. Now my journey has not always been easy but I do belief all that I have accomplished makes me not take it at all for granted. It may have taken me a bit to get to where I am now but I am happier for taking the road less traveled. If you need a friend that has taken the steps to transition or an ear to listen to you feel free to email me at [email protected] or [email protected] and I will get back to you ASAP as I do have a busy schedule but I will get back to you though. Have an fabulous weekend all!!!
Kisses,
Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Rights Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
“BEING MISGENDERED IN THE LGBT COMMUNITY”
Yesterday I was misgendered by someone in the LGBT Community. He told me that I will always be a man no matter how many surgeries or hormones that I will take. I maybe a woman on the outside but a man in the inside is what he told me. I found out that a former friend who also is a part of the LGBT Community is spewing this garbage which is a whole lot of reason why we, the trans community is facing all the violence all because of garbage that is being spewed out. He goes to a Fundamentalist Church that I used to attend but no longer attend because of my coming out. He goes there and hides the fact that he is gay and acts like he is all straight but when in the company of the LGBT he is all out. He chooses to live 2 separate lives. Now if that is his choice then let it be but do not spread hatred on the trans community that is just plain ole senseless. If you do not accept me for who I am then leave me alone and keep your opinion to yourself. I do not choose to be trans just like you didn’t choose to be gay well gay part time. Why make myself miserable as in shoving myself or letting myself be shoved back in the closet? Right? The closet was a really scary place for me because it made me feel all ashamed and afraid to being true to myself which led to my depression. In fact I was so depressed of living 2 separate lives it made me make an attempt on my life. 41% of the trans community has at least thinking about committing suicide and even attempt it and yes I am apart of that 41%. Now that I am transitioning I am much happier than ever before. But it is because religions are teaching their parishioners to seek out the LGBT and cleanse them of their sins and that we can repress just who we are but that makes people feel ashamed and guilty and ultimately attempting suicide. I learned long ago that if I didn’t have anything nice to say then say nothing but no one seems to live that out anymore. So-called Christians go around and sending out lies to the world and people spew out the garbage what they hear. There is a thing such as gender identity. Gender identity is the gender that one identifies as. Now most do not even begin to think of what their gender identity is because they identify as the gender they were assigned at birth which they are cisgender. Those that identify as the other gender other then the one they were assigned at birth and need to go through HRT(Hormone Replacement Therapy) and perhaps have SRS(Sex Reassignment Surgery) they are a transsexual. They feel that they should be that gender and identify as that gender and feel their mind and bodies are misaligned. But there is wide range of gender identity just like there in sexual orientation. Now back to the whole thing that happened with me and those two that used to be friends. Like working in a garden one has to do some pruning. You let your plants grow then one day you notice a weed or weeds growing long side it but you let it grow till one day you prune it out and make your garden look all pretty once again. Well you do that with relationships give yourself and them to grow and get know each other but if you start to notice them not acting like a friend, then confront them and see if they make changes in their behavior and if they continue on their ways then you prune them out of your life. If you keep them in your life you will start to be someone that your good friends will not want to be around and it spreads to your coworkers. But if you prune them out you will start to grow as a person and be a very pleasant person to be around. Trust me I am already experiencing these pleasant surprises of being a good mood yet once again. Throughout my journey to becoming the woman that I am deep down truly I am continually cleaning myself of bad company that I once considered friends but earlier on it was me being cleansed of someone’s friends. I was cleansed of someone’s friends because I was not recovering from being disowned by my family. You see I was once upon a time ago very much involved in many aspects of my family’s lives until of my coming out. Coming out meant to them that I am the Black Sheep of my family. To them I am a blemish that they would very much want to no longer even consider but I am a Rainbow Sheep or Trans Pride-Colored Sheep, one that proud of just who she is. I had to see a therapist of which is required anyways for transitioning to assist me with my grief of losing my family. I would mope around doing absolutely nothing though I had a lot to do to put my life back together. The key to getting over the loss of family due to coming out and transitioning first is time, second surrounding yourself with those that accept you for you and for me also is blogging about my experiences connected to transitioning. Writing for me is so therapeutic and plus I have always loved helping others. Helping future transsexuals and those that come out after me is my mission in life. I have learned so much from those before me and all the information out there so I want to return the favor. There is so much out there that you can too bone up and do the same but for now I am here to help you. I also want to assist the allies and more importantly the government so I can get their attention as well. If they know more about our community then they can get laws on the books to better protect us and acquire the rights that we so richly deserve just like any other human out there because we too are human and deserve basic human rights.
Well, thank you for sharing what I know and letting me rant on here. Have a great week!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Rights Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Well, thank you for sharing what I know and letting me rant on here. Have a great week!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Rights Activist, Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Sara Transition Update 9-26-15
A movie that I have watched many times before has been solely responsible for my latest blog posts. It made me think about my journey like always. The character Robby was in deep conversation with Ricky Jones, a transsexual female about life. He made the statement that we are all stumbling the life trying to figure this shit out. And her reply is that you all have an us to figure it out but I have only me. Now that is not entirely correct but mostly. I do have an us to figure it out but just more complicated than the average person. I live in a small town, though a progressive one but because it is a college town. It is only progressive and liberal in part because of the students and professors but when college is not in session then I would have to say it becomes much more conservative. Now the statement that I going to say is not in haste but with my own experiences. But for me conservatives tend to be very closed-minded when it comes to the trans community. They tend to be that way mostly because they are religious. Religion tends to get their parishioners to believe the only way to live is to live the traditional way of life. A traditional way of life to them is marriage between one man and one woman and that you are either born a man or a woman. They believe that one is not made a transsexual but it is a life style choice. But anyways back to Ricky’s response in the movie “Boy Meets Girl.” I do have an us but just a bit more complicated. First there is not a whole lot of transsexuals male or female here in Bloomington, Indiana that I had to get to know since coming out and then there are the ones that I have met online and the ones that I met online I had to get to know and not in person. I had to really work at getting to know them and not in person and start to build a trusting relationship where I can talk about my feelings that I am experiencing as a trans person. There have been some that I have built a strong enough bond that I comfy my feelings as a trans individual that I can trust and then there have been some that have cut ties with me and others that I have cut ties with. But the ones that have stuck around I am continuously getting to know and discussion my transition with and them assisting me in my transition. Transitioning is not an easy process but a difficult one. For me I had to grow up and real fast not having family in my life all because they choose their religion and some perverted way they see God. They see God as an old man with a long beard one that is looking to strike down someone who made a little mistake in the wake of their life. I however see God as a nurturing loving God who mothers her children and yes I said she because God takes on the form of a mother to me. God though is bigender where he and she are present but that is my opinion of which we have many and may disagree so we will agree to disagree perhaps who knows really?
Anyways I have been on “E” for a lil over 5 months and 21 days it will be 6 months. Wow, did I just say 6 months? Well it has been a very up and down roller coaster ride especially when dealing with emotions. Just like any other girl I have had my days when I am happy, the next sad, then really angry and there are no warnings at all or even a instructions to tell you how to deal with them much less see them in advance how to deal with them. You have to just deal with them when they come and find a way out of the storm and move forward till the good one comes along. But I am finally feeling what I should have gone through long ago but I have had a unique experience of living lives of both genders. The statistics show that one in out of every 100,000 experience in one way or another gender dysphoria though I feel that is low to what I really think it is that is still a small figure to the population that goes through that. Imagine having the feeling being trapped in the wrong body and feeling that you will not survive this ordeal. Now that is hard to grasp your mind around it unless you are going through that. Now not all transsexuals transition all the way as in SRS or GRS now both are the same but some go with one term over the other. SRS stands for Sex Reassignment Surgery and GRS stands for Gender Reassignment Surgery. Some only go through HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) while others simply only socially transition. Then there are some that identify as bigender, agender (not identifying with a gender at all), then others identify as genderfluid or genderfuck to name a few. Being trans in any shape or form is not the same as sexual orientation like religious zealots want you to believe say like Kim Davis, the County Clerk in Kentucky that won’t do her job of which she is paid $80,000. She took her name off the Marriage Licences and gives them out without signing them due to her religious views. She even goes as far as going to her job gets in her office and closes the blinds and locks her door and does absolutely nothing which to me is appalling to say the least. If I came to work and did absolutely nothing I would be fired for not doing my duties of a Head Cashier. Why should she keep her job?
Anyways the hormones that I have been on, Estradial have had such a profound affect on me. I experience an array of variety of emotions that range from crying to being extremely happy. My emotions one minute I can be all happy and laughing it up to the very next minute crying my eyes to the next minute angry at anything or anyone just like any other girl. My hormones also have affected to whom I have an attraction to. Before I have an attraction to women and now men have caught my eye so I now identify as a bisexual. I have noticed just recently that my muscle mass is starting to lessen with each passing day as I am not as strong as I have been though I have never been strong physically. The most recognizable to anyone looking at me will notice real quickly is that my breasts have really taken off. Anyways I have to the most part gotten used to all these changes and noticed that I am more at peace with myself though my desire to have SRS is getting stronger with each passing day.
Now I do plan on going further sooner which makes me extremely happy. I am getting human hair weaved into my hair being that the male hormones lessened my hair a bit so I am doing that. In the mean time I have been doing weekly using DHT Blocker Shampoo and Conditioner that makes my hair health improve and continuously using Biotin to make my hair grow faster and my hair has gotten much longer of lately which makes me extremely. During the semester break where I work which by the way is Indiana University I am planning on have my electrolysis to burn off my facial hair follicles and also I am planning on that same period having my name and gender marker changed as well. In the state of Indiana there is a legal loop hole that I can have my gender marker changed if I purchase a passport and then turn around and have the BMV change it as well. So I will be updating you all with my changes and let you know when I will play another transition video on my YouTube Channel.
Thank you for letting me tell all about my current status with my transition and thank you for transitioning with me.
-Sara Ashley Cole
Anyways I have been on “E” for a lil over 5 months and 21 days it will be 6 months. Wow, did I just say 6 months? Well it has been a very up and down roller coaster ride especially when dealing with emotions. Just like any other girl I have had my days when I am happy, the next sad, then really angry and there are no warnings at all or even a instructions to tell you how to deal with them much less see them in advance how to deal with them. You have to just deal with them when they come and find a way out of the storm and move forward till the good one comes along. But I am finally feeling what I should have gone through long ago but I have had a unique experience of living lives of both genders. The statistics show that one in out of every 100,000 experience in one way or another gender dysphoria though I feel that is low to what I really think it is that is still a small figure to the population that goes through that. Imagine having the feeling being trapped in the wrong body and feeling that you will not survive this ordeal. Now that is hard to grasp your mind around it unless you are going through that. Now not all transsexuals transition all the way as in SRS or GRS now both are the same but some go with one term over the other. SRS stands for Sex Reassignment Surgery and GRS stands for Gender Reassignment Surgery. Some only go through HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) while others simply only socially transition. Then there are some that identify as bigender, agender (not identifying with a gender at all), then others identify as genderfluid or genderfuck to name a few. Being trans in any shape or form is not the same as sexual orientation like religious zealots want you to believe say like Kim Davis, the County Clerk in Kentucky that won’t do her job of which she is paid $80,000. She took her name off the Marriage Licences and gives them out without signing them due to her religious views. She even goes as far as going to her job gets in her office and closes the blinds and locks her door and does absolutely nothing which to me is appalling to say the least. If I came to work and did absolutely nothing I would be fired for not doing my duties of a Head Cashier. Why should she keep her job?
Anyways the hormones that I have been on, Estradial have had such a profound affect on me. I experience an array of variety of emotions that range from crying to being extremely happy. My emotions one minute I can be all happy and laughing it up to the very next minute crying my eyes to the next minute angry at anything or anyone just like any other girl. My hormones also have affected to whom I have an attraction to. Before I have an attraction to women and now men have caught my eye so I now identify as a bisexual. I have noticed just recently that my muscle mass is starting to lessen with each passing day as I am not as strong as I have been though I have never been strong physically. The most recognizable to anyone looking at me will notice real quickly is that my breasts have really taken off. Anyways I have to the most part gotten used to all these changes and noticed that I am more at peace with myself though my desire to have SRS is getting stronger with each passing day.
Now I do plan on going further sooner which makes me extremely happy. I am getting human hair weaved into my hair being that the male hormones lessened my hair a bit so I am doing that. In the mean time I have been doing weekly using DHT Blocker Shampoo and Conditioner that makes my hair health improve and continuously using Biotin to make my hair grow faster and my hair has gotten much longer of lately which makes me extremely. During the semester break where I work which by the way is Indiana University I am planning on have my electrolysis to burn off my facial hair follicles and also I am planning on that same period having my name and gender marker changed as well. In the state of Indiana there is a legal loop hole that I can have my gender marker changed if I purchase a passport and then turn around and have the BMV change it as well. So I will be updating you all with my changes and let you know when I will play another transition video on my YouTube Channel.
Thank you for letting me tell all about my current status with my transition and thank you for transitioning with me.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"TRANSITION UPDATE ON SARA"
This coming Tuesday, the 22nd of September marks 5 months of physically transitioning from male to female. Before going on HRT my body gender dysphoria was getting worse and worse with each passing day. I hated the body that I was born into so much that the thoughts of suicide were constantly running through my head. The thought of being trapped in the wrong body and going no where fast was too much for me to bare. Also constantly thinking of how I miss my nuclear family and never being in their presence were getting worse as well which was another reason why I wanted so very badly to end it all. Transitioning socially at first was good enough at first but more and more I knew that I wanted to go all the way and constantly thinking about it too. Thinking how I really wanted to have SRS was at a constant. Wanting it consumed my every thought but yet still only socially transitioning though happier than before doing so I knew I wanted more from my transition and faster too. Constantly hearing about friends of mine and how their HRT was going rather bad or good or just alright was constantly me feel jealous. But since I have been on "E" the body dysphoria has started to slowly dissipate.
I have been this school year working at Indiana University which is a very good employer of treating everyone with equality including the trans community of which I love so very much. My schedule this year allows me to attend for those that are trans and non gender conforming. This past week we talked on the very subject of dysphoria which recently started affecting me ever since some friends of mine have been talking about their journeys and though I am happy for them it has ramped up for me wanting the surgery, SRS. For those that do not know what SRS is or stands for it for Sex Reassignment Surgery. For those that are like me going from male to female now forgive me for being graphic but here it goes. I will have my testicles removed and have the skin cut and pealed from my penis and basically in lam en's terms turn my penis inside out and put them inside to form my vagina. By doing so it should which I know for me make me feel my body and mind finally being aligned and making me feel whole thus making me FINALLY be at peace, a piece that transcends through space and time. But anyways when I hear about girls and I mean trans girls having their SRS's scheduled and knowing from within that I both want and need the surgery it makes me extremely jealous to the point that I am envious of them thus making me and my body dysphoria sore to greater heights then it was. Now this post was inspired by one of my favorite movies on Netflix, Boy Meets Girl. So I am borrowing a line on there. If anyone feels like hurting their self or worse committing suicide because of the feelings of being in the wrong body, you are perfect just the way you are sweet boy or girl. You got plenty of people in the world that you know or will meet in the future that love you for being just who you are and will stand in your corner and fight for you. Now this part of the post comes from the support group that I go to that I brought up earlier on the subject of chosen families. Now the very reason why I bring up this is many of us in the trans or non gender conforming do in fact lose our family's love and support when we come out and like I have which believe me hurts and cuts deep but then I get to thinking about those that love me and show me support which is where I am coming from when bringing up the subject of "Chosen Family." For me my chosen family comes from a blend of my extended family which consists of one cousin in Indiana, 2 in Arizona and an Uncle out in New Jersey with a mix of LGBT and Trans people that I have met in person and those in through social media sites. Then there are those that identify them selves as allies that I have met both in person and through social media sites. I simply choose my family that accepts me as I am and simply see myself as Sara.
One other thing to update you all on is I have been saying all along that I am moving to San Francisco as soon as I get the necessary funds to do so. Now there are a lot of those that identify as trans in San Francisco there is a whole lot of murders happening to the trans community lately and that simply scares me but still plan on moving to California just no longer have plans to move to San Francisco as I now have been slowly making plans on moving to San Diego as I hear there are a lot more trans people there and they show us as one of the safer cities to live in. I feel that God is pulling on my heart strings to move there as I see the writing on the wall that I need to go there. I plan on moving there in a year or two maybe a little more since it is an expensive city to live but I have found a church home there and have talked to the Senior Pastor online on Facebook and love their direction of their church when dealing with those out in the trans community. Her church is just recently in discussion when it comes to making their church attractive to want to attend there. She, herself has been learning about the trans community and has even walked alongside with us which makes my heart leap for joy. I even reached outline on Facebook, the LGBT Community and introduced myself who I am and even the person who runs it we are now friends on Facebook as I am also a friend of the Senior Minister too as well. I have felt in love with that church already. But in the mean time I am using my time here in Indiana like continually making myself even more marketable so I can swiftly find work in San Diego and more than thrive there financially. I choose to move there because I simply need to get away from my past. It is true when friends of mine who also identify as trans when they say it is hard to transition in the same town where you are seen as another gender, one that you tried so very hard to be. I am so very exhausted trying to constantly run away from my past. Though the past is apart of my journey I simply want people to see me as Sara and that is it. Now I am not ashamed of being trans but I do want to be seen just like any other girl. I also before leaving want to get trans equality here in Bloomington, Indiana before I leave or at least in the right direction. I am not planning on bailing on the trans though it may appear that way but I feel that I still can get a lot done to achieve my goals here even from the Sunny Coast of California with the internet. Though I am planning on moving to California the timing is great because a lot of my transition is still being done in Indiana and that sends a huge message to my nuclear family that they are not the ones that chase me away or that I am being chased away by any one. Also before I plan on leaving Indiana and putting it in my rear view mirror I also want to achieve is have my name and gender, yes my gender marker changed which is a legal loop hole that is left wide open before having SRS. I am going to by a passport and have female placed on it because it is easy to change and then take that and have it changed on my ID and also of course change my name legally. I also want to achieve is have electrolysis done so I will no longer have to shave my face and in the next month I am going to have a weave into my natural hair being that testosterone has caused me to start the process of balding. I am currently using DHT Blocker shampoo and a conditioner that assists with growing hair back along with taking Biotin but in the mean time need to get a weave. I will have pictures for here to show how sexy I will look as a girl that I am deep down withing me.
Thank you all for letting me share with you all the update on me transitioning and my HRT. Oh by the way for those that do not know what HRT stands for, it stands for Hormone Replacement Therapy. Enjoy the picture that I will be sharing what I look like right now.
Thank you,
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
I have been this school year working at Indiana University which is a very good employer of treating everyone with equality including the trans community of which I love so very much. My schedule this year allows me to attend for those that are trans and non gender conforming. This past week we talked on the very subject of dysphoria which recently started affecting me ever since some friends of mine have been talking about their journeys and though I am happy for them it has ramped up for me wanting the surgery, SRS. For those that do not know what SRS is or stands for it for Sex Reassignment Surgery. For those that are like me going from male to female now forgive me for being graphic but here it goes. I will have my testicles removed and have the skin cut and pealed from my penis and basically in lam en's terms turn my penis inside out and put them inside to form my vagina. By doing so it should which I know for me make me feel my body and mind finally being aligned and making me feel whole thus making me FINALLY be at peace, a piece that transcends through space and time. But anyways when I hear about girls and I mean trans girls having their SRS's scheduled and knowing from within that I both want and need the surgery it makes me extremely jealous to the point that I am envious of them thus making me and my body dysphoria sore to greater heights then it was. Now this post was inspired by one of my favorite movies on Netflix, Boy Meets Girl. So I am borrowing a line on there. If anyone feels like hurting their self or worse committing suicide because of the feelings of being in the wrong body, you are perfect just the way you are sweet boy or girl. You got plenty of people in the world that you know or will meet in the future that love you for being just who you are and will stand in your corner and fight for you. Now this part of the post comes from the support group that I go to that I brought up earlier on the subject of chosen families. Now the very reason why I bring up this is many of us in the trans or non gender conforming do in fact lose our family's love and support when we come out and like I have which believe me hurts and cuts deep but then I get to thinking about those that love me and show me support which is where I am coming from when bringing up the subject of "Chosen Family." For me my chosen family comes from a blend of my extended family which consists of one cousin in Indiana, 2 in Arizona and an Uncle out in New Jersey with a mix of LGBT and Trans people that I have met in person and those in through social media sites. Then there are those that identify them selves as allies that I have met both in person and through social media sites. I simply choose my family that accepts me as I am and simply see myself as Sara.
One other thing to update you all on is I have been saying all along that I am moving to San Francisco as soon as I get the necessary funds to do so. Now there are a lot of those that identify as trans in San Francisco there is a whole lot of murders happening to the trans community lately and that simply scares me but still plan on moving to California just no longer have plans to move to San Francisco as I now have been slowly making plans on moving to San Diego as I hear there are a lot more trans people there and they show us as one of the safer cities to live in. I feel that God is pulling on my heart strings to move there as I see the writing on the wall that I need to go there. I plan on moving there in a year or two maybe a little more since it is an expensive city to live but I have found a church home there and have talked to the Senior Pastor online on Facebook and love their direction of their church when dealing with those out in the trans community. Her church is just recently in discussion when it comes to making their church attractive to want to attend there. She, herself has been learning about the trans community and has even walked alongside with us which makes my heart leap for joy. I even reached outline on Facebook, the LGBT Community and introduced myself who I am and even the person who runs it we are now friends on Facebook as I am also a friend of the Senior Minister too as well. I have felt in love with that church already. But in the mean time I am using my time here in Indiana like continually making myself even more marketable so I can swiftly find work in San Diego and more than thrive there financially. I choose to move there because I simply need to get away from my past. It is true when friends of mine who also identify as trans when they say it is hard to transition in the same town where you are seen as another gender, one that you tried so very hard to be. I am so very exhausted trying to constantly run away from my past. Though the past is apart of my journey I simply want people to see me as Sara and that is it. Now I am not ashamed of being trans but I do want to be seen just like any other girl. I also before leaving want to get trans equality here in Bloomington, Indiana before I leave or at least in the right direction. I am not planning on bailing on the trans though it may appear that way but I feel that I still can get a lot done to achieve my goals here even from the Sunny Coast of California with the internet. Though I am planning on moving to California the timing is great because a lot of my transition is still being done in Indiana and that sends a huge message to my nuclear family that they are not the ones that chase me away or that I am being chased away by any one. Also before I plan on leaving Indiana and putting it in my rear view mirror I also want to achieve is have my name and gender, yes my gender marker changed which is a legal loop hole that is left wide open before having SRS. I am going to by a passport and have female placed on it because it is easy to change and then take that and have it changed on my ID and also of course change my name legally. I also want to achieve is have electrolysis done so I will no longer have to shave my face and in the next month I am going to have a weave into my natural hair being that testosterone has caused me to start the process of balding. I am currently using DHT Blocker shampoo and a conditioner that assists with growing hair back along with taking Biotin but in the mean time need to get a weave. I will have pictures for here to show how sexy I will look as a girl that I am deep down withing me.
Thank you all for letting me share with you all the update on me transitioning and my HRT. Oh by the way for those that do not know what HRT stands for, it stands for Hormone Replacement Therapy. Enjoy the picture that I will be sharing what I look like right now.
Thank you,
Ms. Sara Ashley Cole
“BEING MISGENDERED WHILE ON HRT”
Now what I am about to tell you is what happened to earlier in the summer well just before summer. Now a lot has happened to keep me from writing this and of course posting it as well. I had been busy with a hectic work schedule seeming that I was supposed to be off for the 1st 6 weeks at the end of the spring term. But I had my time off pushed back because I needed further evaluation. I needed some more time to be evaluated because I had been off a long while since the job before. You see I needed to find an employer that would take me on being that not a lot of people have experience to deal with a transsexual female such as myself. A lot of companies worry about their bottom line when it comes to who they hire and they think that girls like me are a risk that is not worth it at all. And since I have not worked in a long while it had been hard to readjust to working. Plus while working I made just enough cash to put in an appointment to get my hormone levels checked and got my much anticipated chance to get on hormones. Adjusting to not only working again but at the same time being on hormones was a lot to take on but so worth it. But at the same time it was a challenge because hormones are hard enough though they are great being on them they are hard to get used to at the beginning. I was experiencing emotions that were all over the map but with much greater depth and combine that with everyday work situations that is hard to take on. So being on hormones set me back a little but at the same time it is so worth it when it comes to feeling something like inner peace and knowing that these feelings with all the emotions are so real and natural to me.
While these days it rarely irritates me being misgendered it truly got to me being misgendered this particular day, the 15th of May. Here is where the story begins. You see I was at a place of employment where there is a policy newly in place dealing with gender identity and expression, I encountered a woman that did have a problem with me being a transsexual. Now this is a place where I am free to be my authentic self that shows authenticity to those around. I am usually treated just like anyone else that just so happens to be different. Most do not have their gender identity that is different than their assigned birth sex which I deal with on the daily basis. Now that doesn’t mean everyone accepts me as I am. Now everyone that doesn’t accept me as I am doesn’t necessarily openly show it either. Now up until this time at my job I haven’t seen or heard anyone show me disapproval of my way of life until now. I was checking out this woman, who is a student at Indiana University at the Union Street Market where I am Head Cashier for a little while that misgendered me. While scanning her items and attempted to take her payment through her student ID it read that she didn’t have enough to pay for her purchases. Now before I had accidentally rang up some things twice which was a mistake and voided them after having them brought to my attention. She wanted me to print up a receipt so she can make sure I rang them up correctly. I feel that all because she was embarrassed and frustrated her in turn responded in misgendering me. All because of embarrassment and frustration it simply brought out her true feelings with her bigotry. But I had handled it the way that was the correct way which was also the way that I learned while living life on the streets when I was homeless. I had learned that you turn to those in charge to handle the situation and while she was being talked to, to see what was the matter I walked away. I walked away knowing that I was afraid that I would handle it unprofessionally because I felt my emotions starting to get to the best of me and felt that I would either express myself by either crying or even with anger or worse even, or both. That is the very reason why I need to put a good face forward so the haters of the trans community will not get what they want. They simply want for us, the trans community to simply go away. They feel that if we go away that we will not be visible to those that struggle with gender identity and needing to express who we truly are. They want to silence us and go back to our closets and be who they see us are. They want to control what we do with our lives because I feel they have some issue of their own rather it be gender identity or sexual orientation. The world has been told long ago if anyone is different in any shape or form they will not be socially acceptable to what they, the world see as the social norm. Anyone is either male or female and is supposed to be straight and anyone that fits even just a smidge outside of this is not accepted in society. So if one wants to be accepted in this life by society they need to conform to their standards is what they think. That is why I feel that my role in life is to “normalize” the trans community so anyone that doesn’t fit into the society’s definition of what normal is can simply live their life. Who defines normal anyways? Whoever defines “normal” that is simply their definition and therefore their normal is different than the next person. So why base someone’s definition of the word normal. Is there really anyone that is normal truly? I feel that there is no set “normal” person anyways with each of us being abnormal in another person’s eyes as to the next person we are normal in some way.
While these days it rarely irritates me being misgendered it truly got to me being misgendered this particular day, the 15th of May. Here is where the story begins. You see I was at a place of employment where there is a policy newly in place dealing with gender identity and expression, I encountered a woman that did have a problem with me being a transsexual. Now this is a place where I am free to be my authentic self that shows authenticity to those around. I am usually treated just like anyone else that just so happens to be different. Most do not have their gender identity that is different than their assigned birth sex which I deal with on the daily basis. Now that doesn’t mean everyone accepts me as I am. Now everyone that doesn’t accept me as I am doesn’t necessarily openly show it either. Now up until this time at my job I haven’t seen or heard anyone show me disapproval of my way of life until now. I was checking out this woman, who is a student at Indiana University at the Union Street Market where I am Head Cashier for a little while that misgendered me. While scanning her items and attempted to take her payment through her student ID it read that she didn’t have enough to pay for her purchases. Now before I had accidentally rang up some things twice which was a mistake and voided them after having them brought to my attention. She wanted me to print up a receipt so she can make sure I rang them up correctly. I feel that all because she was embarrassed and frustrated her in turn responded in misgendering me. All because of embarrassment and frustration it simply brought out her true feelings with her bigotry. But I had handled it the way that was the correct way which was also the way that I learned while living life on the streets when I was homeless. I had learned that you turn to those in charge to handle the situation and while she was being talked to, to see what was the matter I walked away. I walked away knowing that I was afraid that I would handle it unprofessionally because I felt my emotions starting to get to the best of me and felt that I would either express myself by either crying or even with anger or worse even, or both. That is the very reason why I need to put a good face forward so the haters of the trans community will not get what they want. They simply want for us, the trans community to simply go away. They feel that if we go away that we will not be visible to those that struggle with gender identity and needing to express who we truly are. They want to silence us and go back to our closets and be who they see us are. They want to control what we do with our lives because I feel they have some issue of their own rather it be gender identity or sexual orientation. The world has been told long ago if anyone is different in any shape or form they will not be socially acceptable to what they, the world see as the social norm. Anyone is either male or female and is supposed to be straight and anyone that fits even just a smidge outside of this is not accepted in society. So if one wants to be accepted in this life by society they need to conform to their standards is what they think. That is why I feel that my role in life is to “normalize” the trans community so anyone that doesn’t fit into the society’s definition of what normal is can simply live their life. Who defines normal anyways? Whoever defines “normal” that is simply their definition and therefore their normal is different than the next person. So why base someone’s definition of the word normal. Is there really anyone that is normal truly? I feel that there is no set “normal” person anyways with each of us being abnormal in another person’s eyes as to the next person we are normal in some way.
“Live Your Life on Your Terms”
When I 1st came out to myself I had a lot of questions and asked for advice all the time. After coming to a self-discovery of just who I am and the feelings of myself that have been with me since the beginning I was truly scared of what life had in store for me. I had denied myself of the identity I was internally born with which is that I am a transsexual. I have never felt that I was a male like the world around me told to me. I simply buried myself in a pack of lies that I was being told. Those very lies that I was told to me were my security blanket for most of my life. In my past posts I told of my life to how it got from hiding just who I am to being out all the way to being homeless and such but I have some advice for those who are either going through similar situation or maybe exactly what I have or somewhere in between. Whatever fear you are experiencing with your journey is completely normal. No matter what you have been taught it is healthy to explore your feelings and who you are both inside and outside yourself. Now I grew up in a very Christian Conservative background such as I was Church of Christ. Now I today refer to Church of Christ more like Church of Control. I call them Church of Control because that is how their organization is built. They have people who are called Elders or some even like my old church referred to them as Shepherds. Now those that are do not have any working knowledge of just what a Shepherd is they are the ones that lead sheep and they are in charge to make sure they are safe every day. They are more like guiding sheep to control their every movement just as Shepherds or Elders as they refer them to guide the congregation the members as though they are sheep. They are taught a certain set of beliefs commonly known as doctrine. Now those that do not follow their doctrine in their church of lead back to their way of teaching of how lives their life. Now to get to the point to where I am going is one of the things they are against is people like you and I who are transsexuals or transgender depending on how you identity. They teach that one cannot change their gender because they say that if God meant for me for an example to be a girl that He or as I call God she would have made me a girl but I do not agree with them at all. MY own father pulled the scripture out in Deuteronomy 22:5 but he pulled it out of context to make his point but in reality it was in reference to prostituting them self to a false god not transsexuals. If you want to know just what it says in that passage even though you may not be a believer I urge you to a look at that passage to see what I am talking about and you can find that one in biblegateway.com. That passage has nothing to do with either crossdressers of which I am not one and it doesn’t for sure refer to transsexuals such as I am one. But anyways getting off the church pulpit and back to what I am getting at is that I am not backing down to who I am and know down deep inside to who I am just to please mankind. Religion is just a scapegoat to what is their underline problem what it really in tells. They simply have come to believe what they are taught and how they feel about their own self. It has to be with their own insecurity of what they know about their self and what they have been taught which is their internal conflict within their minds. They either have feelings for another person of the same gender rather gay or lesbian depending on the gender of what they are. The other internal problem that they may have is they may know that they are trapped in the wrong body but had once reconciled to what they think they should according to what they learned from their church or family or both. They think quite possibly if they can get over these feelings that they have then you should be able to as well. Now the other problem that can possibly trouble them is they may have had a same sex relationship in the past or even with a trans person and feel guilty all because of their upbringing. Maybe another problem is that they wish they had the courage that you and I do and are acting out of jealousy but that is not our problem. We need to do what we feel is best for our life because we know what we are thinking and how we got to the questions and answered them honestly within ourselves. We are the ones that have to wake up to ourselves and go to bed with ourselves so we need to do what is best for our self. So I choose to live out my truth of just who I am and though it cost me my nuclear family I am at the most happiest I have ever been and even making more money than I have ever had in my whole entire life. I have experienced the worst since living out my truth but I have been lifted up to the best of living situations and I have learned to be grateful for all that I get in this life. We all have experienced brokenness but it is with our brokenness that we learn how to live out our truth all one is got to have faith and that faith no matter how small can grow to something much bigger than one could ever imagine. I am fearfully and wonderfully made and so are you. I am perfect the way that I am and so are you. There is nothing wrong with being different and doesn’t matter if it doesn’t match up to both the world’s and religion’s standards they are both jealous that I am strong enough to take a stand and live life on my terms so join me in living out your truth. Though you may lose a lot in the beginning try your best to not focus on all that you have lost instead focus on what all you have retained and gained from being authentic. But before you can do that you got to live one day a time approach and time will heal your wounds. Talk to your friends and let them in on what you are going through and though that maybe scary trust your instincts. Now you may lose a few of them along the way but the ones that stay by your side are the ones that are most valuable and consider yourself lucky to lose the ones that dropped you off because in the end they would have hindered you when you needed them most. But the ones that stay by your side now they are the ones that will help you to ascend in this life and help you to achieve your dreams. Believe I feel that way now and my life is headed in the right direction. I believe in all that are genuinely want to enhance their life in a positive way. If you need a friend to lean on in this life feel free to email me at [email protected]. Good night all!
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
“TROUBLE IN TRANS LAND”
This has been a troubling year of the trans community. It has been a year of extinguishing the trans community. I say it is the year of extinguishing the trans community being that the numbers of us the trans community have been murdered. Then there is the high number of transsexuals committing suicide. This post comes at the heels of yet another suicide that is exactly why I do keep right on moving forward with my transition. Jess Shipps committed suicide. She committed suicide because at the time she had been doing something that she simply wanted to continue before coming out as a transsexual, she was in the military. But you see she had to choose between being in the military and she wanted to do both. The military made it hard for her to simply be herself. By making her make this decision they were simply attempting to place her back in the closet. Bigotry is the reason why she died at her very own hands. Though she committed suicide the military indirectly ended her life which to me is murder. Trans girls or even when a trans person ends their life I do not want their death to be in vein. I want to be an example that future trans people can see transitioning through whatever trial we go through. I could have given up any part of my journey and yet I am still right on transitioning. I have been through the worst storms of life all because of me transitioning and none of them have gotten me to stop at all. I have lost both my job and family on the same day which by the way is October 1, 2013. By losing both my family and my job on the same day I lost the joy of living and the desire to keep moving forward. Losing my family and my job eventually ended me on the streets as homeless. Not even a week into being homeless I met this girl whom I trusted way too much and too fast stole my car. I then bounced from place to place struggling to survive. I often cried myself to sleep all because I didn’t know if I would survive another night and not knowing my future being that it looked real bleak. But in the mean time I had people that I would keep in contact with that knew me and I mean really knew me. They knew me like they knew that I am a transsexual and simply showed me love and I do mean love, love that is unconditional. To me there is one definition of love. Love to me is unconditional with no strings attached and not wanting to change the very core of just who a person they are. Loving them for who and not loving them for who they are not. My parents only loved me conditionally which to me is empty. They would be better off not saying they love me then to say those words without meaning. Before coming out to them which I knew they were last on my list because I knew the end game is they would wash their hands of me all because they would choose their religion instead of wanting me to be happy. Now talk about being selfish that is just what they are, selfish. I came out to my friends and some family that would most likely set me up a support when that time came to lose them forever. I had friends tell me that was a smart way of doing it because then you would have a lot of people to have support from. I do not know where I would be without my support from a very small select members of my family and my vast amount of friends that I have both online and in my everyday life. My support gave me the wind beneath my wings to move forward even though it looked small at the time but with each small step forward it got me to where I am today. Their support got me to where I have a place to live. I have this friend from my old life when I had tried to live as the man that the world saw me as who I came out and though she goes to my old church which is a fundamentalist one I knew in my heart of hearts that she would accept me as I am. After I had come out to her we went to lunch so I could go more in depth what this information that I told her simply meant. When she heard me suddenly talk about dresses she knew that I was serious. You see that I had this problem most of my life with my speech as I have this stutter but when I talk about dresses she instantly could understand very clearly of what I was saying. You see she works as a Preschool teacher at this church that both of us didn’t go to and she got me and that church’s Associate Pastor to meet with me. In the end she mentioned to me about this Open, Welcoming and Affirming Church conference. You see the words Open Welcoming and Affirming is the church lingo that they are LGBT friendly. I went to the church that was the host after the Associate Pastor paid for me to attend which to get to the point would end up being the church that I am a member of and even a Choir Member there singing Alto for them. They are the ones that kept me from giving up and still remain having my faith to the point that it just keeps right on soaring to heights that it had never achieved when I was living the lie of trying to be the male that the world saw me as. They are the ones that simply accept my authenticity and give me validation. Now one doesn’t need any validation who they are other than one’s own self that is.
"Hitting the wall"
As I reflect my journey of transitioning there is one part of the journey that eventually hits the trans community. The part that comes from being in the closet of being trans hits one square in the mouth and when it does it hurts. I remember the day that when I finally hit the wall it hurt really bad. It hurt so badly that it had me crying literally quite for hours. I cried when I admitted to myself that I am a woman trapped in the wrong body because I knew what that would entail for me and my future. Coming out to myself I knew that one day I couldn't no longer "pretend" to be the man the world saw with it's collective eyes. It has been a glorious 23 days of being on Hormone Replacement Therapy knowing that I made the right decision though it has not always been easy. I recently sent a text to my mother on Mother's Day extending the olive branch but she still feels that they did the right thing in not supporting my decision to transition to the female I have been all along but at least I can see in her text that it comes from the heart and that she loves me it is all because of her being old-fashioned and because of my dad I feel in my heart of hearts. The right decision most of the time is not the easiest of decisions and so I know that I am in the right. It is my life however too and I have to both wake up to myself and go to bed with myself too and so I had no other option but to transition when I realized that this feeling of me being a woman trapped in the wrong body is not only never going away but only getting stronger with each passing day. The effects that "E" is having with me not only is that I am simply happier than ever before I also notice that a little my breasts are growing and I am getting a butt and my hips are going inwards meaning that I am getting more and more a girly figure which that makes me even happier. My sex drive is slowly dissipating too which I am happier too with that because it was starting to get to me having those "male urges" which I still have but not as much which is real progress.It is better to be true to one self than to live a life full of lies just to please others, receive love or even safety and acceptance. Though you will receive love, safety and acceptance but not necessarily from those you love with all your heart. There will be good days and there will be bad days but you will have the love and support from people trust me you will. Have a fabulous weekend and a good rest of your week.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"GROWING PAINS OF BEING TRANS IN THE EYES OF SARA"
Everyone now goes through physical growing pains and they are not fun to go through but not everyone goes through a 2nd phase of growing pains but those that identify as trans certainly go through them once again. Going through growing pains a second time is not fun at all as I most certainly know. This time around I am having to learn how to act socially as a the female that I am and it is a learning curve. I have to catch up to speed and real swiftly too. Females are expected to act with a certain amount of grace that males are not. There is for instance that the whole personal space thing even more than males have to respect socially. Females are expected to be more passive which results into not being really close to others that is spacely. The reason why one who is a trans female such as myself has to adapt real quickly is because we are already at a disadvantage because society doesn't truly have a place for us. We do not have a place here in society because of socialtal reasoning. The reason for society not having a place for us is because of religious reasons and the feminists. The religious fundamentalists say that we are trying to change God's design for our lives. They use the bible for their argument. For instance they quickly use the passage from Deuteronomy 22:5 which states: 5 A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this. Now they use the passage out of I Corinthians 6:9 which states: 9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men. So they take it to mean that we can not change gender and that we are supposed to procreate. They take it to mean that no effeminate man will enter the kingdom of God. They also use the creation story Now the feminists and not all but the radical ones take the "Battle of the Sexes" approach and say that there is no such thing as a female brain and that we are using our so-called "Male Privaledge" to force our so-called agenda to get society to refer to us to our chosen pronouns which are our pronouns that we identify as and by our chosen names. They also say that we will never truly be women no matter how much hormones we take or how many surgeries that we have we simply are not women nor will we ever. These very reasons are the reason why we have to adapt and rapidly. I am still a "Work in Progress" as in the Accounting language that I talk in be that one of my AAS from Ivy Tech Community College that I obtained the first time around. Believe me they hurt as I am trying to not only normalize transsexuals to society but I am also making an attempy to blend in or as we in the trans community call "stealth." Being stealth refers to people not being able to tell that we are transsexuals. Not being able to tell that we are transsexuals and not disclosing it is the reason why a lot of us getting physically assualted and even murdered for simply living out our truth. We do not want to disclose that we are trans because not all of us want that label and draw attention to ourselves. Now I am one that doesn't mind being known as trans but at the same time I do not want people to think that is all that I am. I much more complicated than that. I am a well-rounded person that has many aspects to me. I am a 3D-character that has many interests. I am an avid fan of the Indianapolis Colts especially Andrew Luck. I am also a fan of the Chicago Bulls and Chicago Cubs. I love to go shopping and into fashion especially heels and makeup. I love dressing up in a pretty dress or skirt and a blouse or top with my nails painted and wearing makeup. I also love to go to the movies or want them from home and love music and love to cook. I also love hanging out and spending time with friends. I am also a supporter of the whole LGBT and especially the trans community. I am also into politics especially the Democrats of who I support. I am not only a Democrat but also a Socialist. I am a Progressive Christian. So as you can see I am many things so I go with a bunch of labels but they are for me to place on me and no body else. Taking away my labels is just as bad as placing some on or a lot on me especially if that is not what I identify as. I prefer the female pronouns. I simply love the world especially that it is going in the right direction and becoming more and more accepting of all people and I do mean ALL!!! Have an amazing and fabulous weekend and stay safe too!!! Love all you my loyal followers.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"TRANSITIONING SUCCESSFULLY THROUGH SARA'S EYES"
To me transitioning successfully is being content on just who I am, being comfortable in my own skin and being able to look anyone in the eye without showing fear and continually being able to blend in more and more with each passing day. I know that I have survived the worst of transitioning and there is nothing that I can not do. I have looked death in the eye and passed with flying colors and that has allowed me to swiftly gain confidence and that I have made it this far as in starting HRT and it gives me chills in my spine and tears of great joy and satisfaction and it is not without friends that have gotten me to where I am. My friends are the wind beneath my wings as I continually soar to greater heights than I ever expected.
I have this checklist of what I want to accomplish not only with my transitioning but also my life. For the first time I know exactly what I want out of life that I would consider an complishment. Literally for years I had no idea what my life I wanted to look like to feel accomplish. The reason why I didn't know was because my head was all cloudy because my brain was too busy trying to help me cover up just who I truly was. I was terrified just of the thought that someone would open up the curtains and find out just what I was about and who I truly was. Any friends that I had no matter how close we were I would keep them at an arm's length away because I didn't want to lose them as friends. I picked friends based on similar backgrounds though mine was a fraud though they were not. I grew up in a very strict environment and learned my environment's way of life and how it was to look like. I built a lie of a life because I wanted to be loved, accepted and feel safe. You learn on the playground of life that one who wants all of that better look like everyone else no matter how they felt from the inside. I though was truly depressed, angry, and down right miserable because deep inside I knew that I was lying not only to myself but to others. My very nature is that I hate lying I simply want to be honest with everyone but had to cover just what my very feelings were. Most people do not experience discomfort from the gender they were told they are from birth. In fact most are not aware of the concept of gender identity which is way different from sex. Most even think when they hear the word gender identity, transsexual and think that sexual orientation is somehow interlinked. But it took me a long time to figure out my sexual orientation because I had to get to know just who I truly was. Also I had to get comfortable who I was truly too. It took me almost 35 years to even have the courage to come out to myself and then it took even close to a year to even come out and live life even part time of who I am. I had to also transition socially for close to 2 years because I had been traumatized of being disowned by my "nuclear family." Losing them shook my very foundation so it was like an earthquake effect that I had to put back together and create a whole other family of one that is chosen and not blood. Sometimes chosen family takes prestience to blood. Blood family is just that one that simply shares blood. You got to move on and live life and that is easier said than done but that is the cold hard facts. Leaving them behind is what makes one grow to where they need to. God taught me this very thing through my circle of friends. "The transsexual list" that I had made out was getting my ears pierced, getting them double pierced, having my eyebrows threaded, get on hormones, Electralysis, FFS(Facial Femination Surgery) and finally SRS(Sex Reassignment Surgery). Anyways it has been now 15 days officially being on Hormone Replacement Therapy this May 6th 2015. I just did some major reflecting on what transitioning successfully what would look like thanks to a Facebook friend that I am also in a group with there and this is the subject that she brought up and made me think and so here it is. Hope you enjoy and learn some valuable information as this is what my webpage is all about. Have an amazing rest of the week and fabulous weekend!!! Love you all my loyal readers.
-Sara Ashley Cole
I have this checklist of what I want to accomplish not only with my transitioning but also my life. For the first time I know exactly what I want out of life that I would consider an complishment. Literally for years I had no idea what my life I wanted to look like to feel accomplish. The reason why I didn't know was because my head was all cloudy because my brain was too busy trying to help me cover up just who I truly was. I was terrified just of the thought that someone would open up the curtains and find out just what I was about and who I truly was. Any friends that I had no matter how close we were I would keep them at an arm's length away because I didn't want to lose them as friends. I picked friends based on similar backgrounds though mine was a fraud though they were not. I grew up in a very strict environment and learned my environment's way of life and how it was to look like. I built a lie of a life because I wanted to be loved, accepted and feel safe. You learn on the playground of life that one who wants all of that better look like everyone else no matter how they felt from the inside. I though was truly depressed, angry, and down right miserable because deep inside I knew that I was lying not only to myself but to others. My very nature is that I hate lying I simply want to be honest with everyone but had to cover just what my very feelings were. Most people do not experience discomfort from the gender they were told they are from birth. In fact most are not aware of the concept of gender identity which is way different from sex. Most even think when they hear the word gender identity, transsexual and think that sexual orientation is somehow interlinked. But it took me a long time to figure out my sexual orientation because I had to get to know just who I truly was. Also I had to get comfortable who I was truly too. It took me almost 35 years to even have the courage to come out to myself and then it took even close to a year to even come out and live life even part time of who I am. I had to also transition socially for close to 2 years because I had been traumatized of being disowned by my "nuclear family." Losing them shook my very foundation so it was like an earthquake effect that I had to put back together and create a whole other family of one that is chosen and not blood. Sometimes chosen family takes prestience to blood. Blood family is just that one that simply shares blood. You got to move on and live life and that is easier said than done but that is the cold hard facts. Leaving them behind is what makes one grow to where they need to. God taught me this very thing through my circle of friends. "The transsexual list" that I had made out was getting my ears pierced, getting them double pierced, having my eyebrows threaded, get on hormones, Electralysis, FFS(Facial Femination Surgery) and finally SRS(Sex Reassignment Surgery). Anyways it has been now 15 days officially being on Hormone Replacement Therapy this May 6th 2015. I just did some major reflecting on what transitioning successfully what would look like thanks to a Facebook friend that I am also in a group with there and this is the subject that she brought up and made me think and so here it is. Hope you enjoy and learn some valuable information as this is what my webpage is all about. Have an amazing rest of the week and fabulous weekend!!! Love you all my loyal readers.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"Living out my dream, my truth"
Living out my dream, my truth these past 23 months this coming Wednesday the 6th of May which is the time frame that I made my very 1st public appearance as the girl that I am truly and it also by the way makes it 21 months that very same day that I started living full time as Sara. While on this path to becoming out in the open who I have been all along I am constantly contemplating about it. Thinking about my journey from living as the male who the world had and still sees me as to the female I know down deep that I am there has been many ups and many downs. Transitioning rather it be from male to female or female to male it is a roller coaster of a journey. There one day or even one time frame to where everything seems to be alright and even like a "Bowl full of cherries" to sour grapes. One moment or day it can be all good then all of the sudden it crashes and burns. They say transitioning is not for the faint of heart, well they are being honest . Other transsexuals have told me all of this when I first started realizing just who I am and it sunk in along ago. I have went through so many trials or since it is finals week where I work, I say the word Exams. There are going to be a lot of tests that you will have to go through and there have been days that I have passed with flying colors and others not so much. I have survived the biggest of hurdles which is homelessness. A lot of the trans community that experiences homelessness ends up having to fend for themselves financially which means prostitution and that usually ends up in one or two ways which one is being imprisoned, and the other is murder. Well, I survived and found a place to live which gave me just the stability I needed to achieve another plus in my direction which is employment. By landing a job I was able to get Health Insurance which gave me an opportunity to achieve another goal of mine which is Hormone Replacement Therapy(HRT) which I have been on for 2 weeks tomorrow which is May 5th. I never in my wildest of imaginations would ever think that I make it this far in my journey to being who I have been all along and now I am finally living it out. I am no longer just socially transitioning but also physically transitioning. I had been once upon a time had been chomping at the bit to achieve this goal that I had once I came out to myself. Now yesterday this post came to mind when my Senior Pastor was doing his talk for Communion Sunday when he made this profound statement as he usually does. That even with our brokeness that all are welcome at God's Table. Our church you see he refers to this table as God's and not ours and that all are welcome. He means that the LGBT are welcome unlike a lot of churches that teach against someone being gay. It hit me right between the eyes and I do not know if it is my hormones or not but the tears were certainly flowing. You see that I have been without my family this coming October 2 years well most of them like my Nuclear Family all because of religion. Instead of giving up religion and being all mad at God it her children that tried to drive me away is the ones that I am angry at for their actions towards me. It took me a while to not get all emotional when the word family is brought up but there are still times that there are certain words or times of year that trigger the tears but I am much better than I had to be. I had to do a lot of work and praying and prayers said for me to get to where I am emotionally. Instead of focusing on the what I have lost I instead focus on what all that I have gained and retained and that is what got me to where I am and the circle and I mean a HUGE circle of friends to get me where I am today. It is the mentally addressing all the issues that I needed to work on to improve me mentally. Remember to focus on the positive instead of the negatives and take a one day at time approach and I know that is easier said then done but trust me it works. If anyone out there knows of anyone that identifies any other gender then who you see them as please show them love and give them a listening ear and accept them as they are and show 'em love. They will help you along and you will transition along with them though differently and they will be healthier and happier for that. Have an amazing week ya'll!!! Thank you all you fabulous people for letting me update you on my journey to becoming the woman that I am today. Bye for now and will update you on my journey.
-Sara Ashley Cole, Out and Proud Transsexual Female Bisexual...
-Sara Ashley Cole, Out and Proud Transsexual Female Bisexual...
"Living with E"
Well...I never had imagined in a million years that I would be writing this piece at all but here I am doing just that. I have been living an out as Sara Ashley Cole, a MTF Pre Op Transsexual for close to 21 months full time and 23 months since making my very 1st public almost when I started HRT. I have been on hormones now for a week and it has been the greatest week in my whole entire life. I have been living as though I am on cloud nine soaring it just feels that good to me. I have been not only happy, well excited but I have more confidence I have had at any point in my life. I have had this persistent problem of stuttering but that has been because I had been repressing myself and not being true to me. I had not been confident until taking Estrogen. Estrogen has made me extremely confident in who I am and my abilities. I have though have started feeling the emotions that your average woman goes through. Like I can be happy one moment and the next I can be extremely angry jumping down someone's throat for one reason or another. The next moment I can treat that very person as a friend that I have known all of my life. It just depends what mood I am in that very moment. If I feel pressured as I have been feeling at my job I can be extremely panicking and come across rude in comparison to who I am on average. I can be extremely stressed but as soon as I feel all caught up on my tasks I swiftly calm down and act like my usual kind and sweet self.
For those that are wanting to start HRT take time and enjoy the ride that you are on right now. HRT is not exactly easy and you need to make sure you are mentally ready to take this all important step before you commence. Trust me I know what you are going through but you will get there soon enough. Just breathe in and out and stop comparing yourself to other transsexuals though it is good to pick one out for your model but we all transition at our own pace. Some transition faster than others or vice versa some transition slower than others. That is why we have physiologists and therapists and gynecologists to assist you through the progress of transitioning. They are paid professionals who know what they are doing but at the same time I did the research myself about transitioning so I can show them how serious that I am in transitioning so I can get the green light to transition. Now as much research that I did I didn't learn all that I wanted to learn but did learn a lot just the same. If you have any questions about me and my journey that I am or know of anyone that is wanting to transition I am an open book so you can email me at [email protected] or at [email protected] Have a great week ya'll!!! <3 :)
-Sara Ashley Cole
For those that are wanting to start HRT take time and enjoy the ride that you are on right now. HRT is not exactly easy and you need to make sure you are mentally ready to take this all important step before you commence. Trust me I know what you are going through but you will get there soon enough. Just breathe in and out and stop comparing yourself to other transsexuals though it is good to pick one out for your model but we all transition at our own pace. Some transition faster than others or vice versa some transition slower than others. That is why we have physiologists and therapists and gynecologists to assist you through the progress of transitioning. They are paid professionals who know what they are doing but at the same time I did the research myself about transitioning so I can show them how serious that I am in transitioning so I can get the green light to transition. Now as much research that I did I didn't learn all that I wanted to learn but did learn a lot just the same. If you have any questions about me and my journey that I am or know of anyone that is wanting to transition I am an open book so you can email me at [email protected] or at [email protected] Have a great week ya'll!!! <3 :)
-Sara Ashley Cole
"1st day 4 the rest of my life"
One might wonder why this title? Well...Let me explain. It is my 1st day into HRT(Hormone Replacement Therapy). I have been told what HRT does but still I had no idea what I was in store of. I have been told many times over that there is this peace of mind one will have that one never has experienced before. But my peace that I am experiencing transcends from the top of my head to all the way to the bottom of my heat. I am finally experiencing what I had once longed for and had never felt it before. The peace that I feel and yes it maybe day one of HRT but it already feels damn good. I finally can see the world from my rose-colored glasses. To me the world is sucha beautiful place. I finally take notice of the birds chirping, the cool breeze that flows through the air, the beautiful sun and the beautiful sky. People to me even look better in my eyes as I am finally feeling at peace like the rest of the world experiences. Though I am still a stranger in my body I finally notice that there is this bounce in my step and feel the smile from ear to ear. I am finally happy and know it will get even better but know that I still have to go all the way as in SRS(Sex Reassignment Surgery) but I am still have accomplished something BIG in my life to becoming who I have been all along but no longer socially transitioning I am finally physically transitioning. I can totally appreciate and yes I do for sure the journey that I am on. I can appreciate the journey that I am on because of all the hard work I had to put in to get to where I am. I had to experience grief in losing most of my family, I have had to lose not one but 2 jobs which eventually leading me to experience another low, being homeless for close to 9 months. But landing a spot on a very coveted Section 8 wait list, landing a place to live and a place of employment is what put me in a very positive mindset. I have had to endure what most of the trans community have had to experience and yet it seems I have come out of it unscathed. I have come out it unscathed because I had a HUGE support in place that I started establishing long ago. Having that support truly helps. Thinking of my journey another theme song comes to mind when thinking of the journey that I am is the song by the Late Michael Jackson called Keeping the Faith. I have kept my faith and not only have I kept my Faith it is growing all the more. Each day my faith is sore like the wings of a dove. This journey that I am on right now has also brought to my mind that my bird that is my mascot of my journey and life is the dove. The dove is the sign of peace and that completely suites me now. I know I am just on day one of my HRT but it just feels so damn great. Anyways I will update you as soon as I get another one for you. Love all you beautiful people and have a groovy week ya'll!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"entrance into womanhood"
While I am on the verge of my entrance into womanhood I have been pondering where my journey begun to where I am now. Now I can go into exactly where it began like my coming out, me being disowned by family and losing jobs but will begin the story where I began by being homeless. I became homeless when I had lost both my job and family on the same day which completely destroyed my day all together. Those tragedies on that day would completely destroy me. You all saw how I completely crumbled and it took quite awhile to sweep up the rubble and put myself back together. If it were not for my friends at my three churches, the local LGBT and Trans Community and my online friends, LGBT and Trans Communities I do not know where I would be right now. I know I would not have a place to call home or a place of employment. I had so many people who assisted me to where I am right now. The very reason why I am thinking about all of this is because I am now on the verge of entering womanhood when I go in for my appointment to my gynecologist to get my hormone levels checked. I am getting them checked to see what are my safe levels for taking Estrogen and T-Blockers. You see I want to transition safely so I am getting my levels checked. I would not be able to do all of this if it were not having a place of employment. I get my insurance through them. You see I work for a place that currently has a policy when dealing with gender identity. We are in a time when gender identity though it is becoming to gain support for it there are still a lot of people that are against it be it be via religion or Radical Feminists even some of the LGBT which they think that we are avoiding admitting that we are gay or lesbian. People out there fail to see that there are a variable of gender identities and expression and sexual orientation. For me I am a MTF and my side of the trans fence there are a lot of variables of MTFs. I will start with how any of us can express ourselves. We can express our selves as being butch which I have one of my MTF Friends here locally that identifies as a tomboy. Now I know being a girl trapped in the wrong body that identifies as a tomboy may sound strange but that is how she expresses herself. Now me as a girl trapped in the wrong body identifies as a feminine girl. I enjoy dressing as a pretty girl or at least I try to which irritates the Radical Feminists. They think that we are men trying to get the world to address us as girls and by our chosen names and pronouns all because they say our agenda is to get all women being feminine. I feel all women and I mean all women rather trans or cis dress however they so choose to. I am perfectly alright with cisgender women dressing all casual but that is not how I choose to dress when not at work. I simply enjoy dressing in dresses, skirts and blouses or tops with either flats or heels though I choose heels. I do not however wear heels all the time mostly out of working and they are not permitted. I do wear flats though to give my feet the time off because if I were to wear heels all the time my feet would not feel comfortable. Sometimes I choose comfort over looking sexy. Anyways having a job where I can be simply myself a trans girl who is out and proud of just who she is is a blessing to me. Being Sara and a female being addressed with female pronouns and being able to use the women's restroom is so cool. But that maybe be good but I still want more and that is coming this coming Tuesday I hope as I have an appointment with a gynecologist to see what my hormone level is so I can get the correct dosage of Estrogen and T Blockers so I can transition safely. I will update you on my journey when I have any updates and when time permits. Good Night all and enjoy the rest of your weekend and may it be fabulous you beautiful people.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"What coming out has taught me"
Coming out has taught me many valuable lessons. Being a transsexual I have opened my mind towards the whole LGBT. By letting them into my everyday life I have opened myself to a whole new world that I have once closed myself off to thanks to my upbringing. Many know of my upbringing but to those of you that just joining me on my journey I grew up in a Christian Conservative Fundamentalist household that once had me living a sheltered life. Living a sheltered life I lived learning to live a "Traditional way of life." You see I was taught if you both lived and identify being LGBT you are going straight to hell. Anyways I have learned another valuable lesson which I am much stronger than I give myself credit. I had lost the majority of my love and support of people that once claimed to love me and support when I had to come out as being a woman trapped in the wrong body. They claim that I am changing the design that God had in mind for me and my life when She created me. You whenever I was in between jobs my family would step in and assist me with my bills till I landed back on my feet. But after coming out and letting them know that I am going all the way as in that I am going to have Sex Reassignment Surgery(SRS) as in so my mind and body can finally be in line with each other leading me to finally being completely at peace living in this life. I tried my hardest to explain why I need to do and even went as far as telling them before I finally accepted myself all the way and knowing of their impending disapproval that I tried to end it all. Knowing that in my heart of hearts that I love them and do want them any harm having to bury a child of theirs. But after them finding out how much in mental pain that I had been in it didn't lead them into having a change of heart. Thinking they would see how genuine I am wanting to live my life honestly still hasn't led any softening of the heart at all. I have lost not one but 2 jobs dues to my gender identity and expression. To experience discrimination all because of who I am simply hurts but not as much as your own flesh and blood washing their hands of you and choosing their own religion and wanting to be comfortable hurts all the more. The longest I had been in my whole entire life of not seeing them would be a week or two but it has now grown to close to 2 years since I have since led my eyes on them. In fact the very day that I was disowned by them I lost my second job due to my gender identity and expression. Knowing just how bad it was on that very day seems like a million years ago but the wounds are still fresh as can be. By not having a job or their love and support I had to experience what a lot of us in the trans community had to experience which is being homeless. Being homeless is hard enough but it is even harder when one identifies as one gender while the world sees another. I experienced discrimination among them that included both physical threats but even worse to be killed which either one is scary to experience. To know that my own family put me into harm's way all in the name of religion simply is crushing blow to me. But luckily I had support from friends that I have known personally and met online and the trans and LGBT community and 3 church homes that showed me just what true love looks like they simply shown Jesus to me which eventually led me to finding stability in a home which in turn led me to finding a job. So I still building my life back but much faster than I once thought. Never ever give up because if I can bounce back so can you. Have a great and fabulous week you beautiful people!!! Love you all!!! Peace!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"What's the closet like?"
What is life like living in the closet? Well for me living in the closet when I finally came to realize who just I really was it hit me right between the eyes. Well at first it was like a bee sting but the more I dwelled on my gender identity the worse that it became. When I first did what I was telling myself that I was in the beginning, a crossdresser I realized that I was happier when wearing women's clothing and makeup along with having my nails done. It felt like it was not only natural but so right. I wished that I had done this all along. But when I came to the realization of being a woman trapped in the wrong body I knew in my heart of hearts what was to become of me. I knew very well where my parents felt about the whole LGBT community and how they would view transsexuality. They view transsexuality as though we avoid admitting that we are closeted gay men that is the MTF(Male-To-Female) transsexuals and they of course view FTM(Female-To-Males) as being closeted lesbians. People like them seem to ignore the whole gender identity issue and see it more as a sexuality issue. Well gender identity is completely separate issue from sexual orientation. Plus people see it as a personal choice which by the way is completely false. We're born this way and the only thing that can be changed is the body. You can not change the mind because it is mapped at an early age and once it is mapped there is no such thing as changing it. One can't one day wake to change that they are no longer a transsexual because it is engranded in your chemical makeup. They use religion to keep people in their closets so that they are comfortable and being afraid they might catch the "disease." Well at one point in my life that I these days feel ashamed of is I once upon a time felt that way but it was because that is what I was taught. You see I was so deep in the closet that I failed to see that I was hiding who truly am. You can't change those people's minds that are that against the LGBT and Trans community but the ones that are on the fence and have not made up their mind either way they are the ones that you can change. By changing them you are changing one person at a time which may not seem like a whole lot but it is. The people that they come into contact with they can too educate them and that makes a huge difference. "Be the change you so desire to see happen." That is a great motto for all to learn and to adapt into their everyday living. My task clearly on Earth is to educate as many people I come into contact with and normalize people like you and I that identify as one gender though the world sees us another gender. Do not conform to their standard of living no matter what they are the ones that have the problem not you. For me being in that closet was like the jail cell was closing in and rapidly and that I can hardly breathe. But once I came out to the world of just who I was I was finally liberated which you guessed correctly that I can finally breathe. I have been socially transitioning to the female that I will be physically transitioning as in HRT(Hormone Replacement Therapy) heaven forbid this month on the 21st to the female I have been all of my life even when I was still in that closet. That in a nutshell is what being in the closet was like to me. Have a great weekend and Happy Easter and Holy Week for those that celebrate those.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"Sara the visible Transsexual female"
With March 31st being TDOV(Trans Day of Visisbility I feel that this post is extremely important. I have been visible out in the public eye for 20 months full time and 22 months since making my very 1st public appearance as the female that I have been all along showing my authenticity to the world of just who I am and sharing my thoughts of my gender identity and expression. The more the world sees we, the trans community the more normal we will appear to them. Normalization of the trans community is my goal so that we will be just like anybody out there in the world. We are human beings first and foremost that just so happens to experience what most do not at all. Feeling trapped in one's own body is a very scary reality for those like me. Identifying as the opposite gender while your body is that of another is not a good feeling at all. There is a lot of judgement placed on the trans community because in the world's eyes we are nonconformists that they want us to conform to society and it's rules. There is a standard of living that society put in place long ago and want to keep it that way. Fundamentalists and Radical Feminism have been attempting to keep us in the closet and be who they see us as. They are trying so desperately to place us back into our closets and will stop at nothing to do just that. They use religion as the means to discriminate us and judge us. But who are they to judge. They are so quick to point in their scriptures of which they use out of context in the passage of Deuteronomy 22:5. Which states in that passage: A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this. This was a passage for the people back then to not prostitute themselves to their falsegods and not what they use it for. They seem to think that it was meant for transsexuals and that transitioning is against God and Her commands of which that couldn't be further from the truth at all. Another one they pull out is where it says no effeminate man can enter the Kingdom of God which that can be found in I Corinthians 6:9 but once again that doesn't apply to me because I do not identify as a man though my sex is that of a male which by the way makes me a transsexual female so that is argument doesn't work at all. Now on the other hand the Radical Feminists say that we use our so-called "Male Privilege" to Forget people to acknowledge our preferred name and pronouns that we identify with but that is not the case. What they fail to recognize is that we like them are up against men because men see it as though we are throwing our "Male Card" at them and refusing to be men. Those very Fundamentalists want people to only live traditional way of life of which the Radical Feminists want to move away from. Those two groups are more natural enemies than Transsexuals and Radical Feminists are. Of course things are heating up with the Fundamentalists and the LGBT Community when RFRA(Religious Freedom Restoration Act) being passed all over the country. They hide behind the guise of Religion but really they want to be able to use religion as an excuse to discriminate the LGBT Community of which we, the trans community are apart of. Oh and another group that is on the top 3 that seem to hate on the trans community well those that identify as females are the gay community saying that we refuse to admit that we are gay men. But our sexual orientation is not tied to our gender identity. Well not all of the gay community is against though there are some that do though. I am in no way saying that I hate them as I wholly support their rights and hope that they will follow my example and do the same for me. They just need to not follow the ugliness from those top 2 groups. Why can't we all just get along already? K?
"advice for transsexuals who deal with misgendering"
Now I know that I am focusing a lot right now bout being misgendered. It is a huge part that one who identifies as a transsexual rather you be a MTF or FTM. A lot of the reasons why one is misgendered is simply that person is new to the idea. Being accidentally misgendered does hurt I know. But hurts all the more when it is on purpose. To me when one willingly knows they are misgendering someone that in a sense is murder. Because when you misgender someone that is in a sense taking away someone's internal identity of who they are as a person which is murder. Misgendering someone could lead to that person committing suicide. But when someone who claims to be not only open-minded and a friend it hurts all the more. Then it is even worse when one talks bad about the LGBT community in whole. So you got to just ignore it and know in your heart of who you are and that their misgendering is something they have is their problem not yours. Their ignorance is theirs and let them own it because chances are you will never change their viewpoint. They just fear what they do not understand and it is because society long ago put these social systems in long before you were even born. But there are people out there that accept us and then there are people out there that are on the fence and those people you have a chance to reach them so focus on them and not the ones that are anti-LGBT and misgender people like us who live out our truth. In the end it is our life and not theirs. I am writing this because it is happening to me with someone who claims to be my friend and has my best interest at heart but really they are trying to get me to detransition of which I have no intention of doing. By trying to get me to detransition is like she is trying to shove me back into the closet. I have tried a lot of times to explain why I have to transition but to no avail. All it has got me is being really angry which is one trait of mine that I do hate of mine and that is hating someone for rejecting my gender identity. I need to let go of that and expect the worst and hope for the best. Good Night loves and have the rest of the weekend be amazing and beautiful.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"What does misgendering feel like?"
For those that identify with the sex they were assigned at birth you are so very lucky. You are lucky because you are in the majority. But for those like me I struggled daily for many years with my gender identity. You didn't know that you had a gender identity because you never questioned like I have. With me struggling with my gender identity it was because of my environment that I grew up in. You see I grew up in a Christian Conservative Fundamentalist Environment where if one simply identifies as LGBT they are outcasts. I have had this uncle who identified as a gay man and my mom couldn't be in contact with him because my dad saw it is that he is going against God and that was simply his choice. He is an old-fashion kind of man that believes in a "traditional" way of life where a man marries a woman and creates children with her. He is then to work for a living where he takes care of the family financially where she takes care of the house and raises the children. You see that kind of environment affected me so very much. I was at one time a "good lil sponge" and soaked it all in. I tried for so many years being a male but in the end I was feminine and I mean naturally feminine. No matter how hard I tried to act masculine the harder for me it became. I never was truly happy and not very sociable. I didn't make friends that easy and it took a whole lot of work to do so.Even when making friends I kept them all at an arm's length away from me as I was afraid they figure me out. But of course things have changed. I have came out to my friends and I have the most accepting friends that a girl can have. They simply want me to be happy that is all.
Now there are people out there that use the wrong pronouns and most are accidental but it still hurts. But then there are others that simply misgender me on purpose and that hurts even more so. When you misgender someone it is taking their identity away from them and that to me is a form of murder. I didn't choose to be a transsexual it is the way that I was born and no matter how hard you try to get me not to transition or how hard I try to push it aside it is here to stay with me as long as I am alive. Now I did choose to accept myself and to live which means I choose to transition but I had no choice to be or not be a transsexual. Being a transsexual is not all that defines me at all. My gender identity is a part of me but not all that I am. Being a transsexual it did change me as a person when I finally acknowledged it instead of running from it. I am today a much more open-minded person. Transitioning socially though only right now socially made me a much more peaceful person to be around. Being open-minded opened a whole new world to me that was not previously open to me. I am surrounded by those that came out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transsexual. I even have friends who identify as a panssexual. I have a whole lot of friends that I wouldn't have if it were not for me being a transsexual. I have unique experiences that most do not get to be able to experience. Nobody is completely defined by their gender identity or their sexuality. Our gender identity and sexuality are our identities and do not take away them. I have people that try to change my mind to transition without me even noticing and when I do realize that is happening it cuts to the very core of who I am though it is not all who I am. By trying to get to get me to stop transitioning it is like you are saying I do not matter and neither does my happiness. Everyone deserves to live a happy life. Instead of trying to control them let them make their life decisions. Instead of judging try getting to know why for instance why I am transitioning. My life is an open book. Since coming out as a transsexual I feel that I can be honest because I have been set free from those stories. Anyways have a lovely weekend!
-Sara Ashley Cole
Now there are people out there that use the wrong pronouns and most are accidental but it still hurts. But then there are others that simply misgender me on purpose and that hurts even more so. When you misgender someone it is taking their identity away from them and that to me is a form of murder. I didn't choose to be a transsexual it is the way that I was born and no matter how hard you try to get me not to transition or how hard I try to push it aside it is here to stay with me as long as I am alive. Now I did choose to accept myself and to live which means I choose to transition but I had no choice to be or not be a transsexual. Being a transsexual is not all that defines me at all. My gender identity is a part of me but not all that I am. Being a transsexual it did change me as a person when I finally acknowledged it instead of running from it. I am today a much more open-minded person. Transitioning socially though only right now socially made me a much more peaceful person to be around. Being open-minded opened a whole new world to me that was not previously open to me. I am surrounded by those that came out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transsexual. I even have friends who identify as a panssexual. I have a whole lot of friends that I wouldn't have if it were not for me being a transsexual. I have unique experiences that most do not get to be able to experience. Nobody is completely defined by their gender identity or their sexuality. Our gender identity and sexuality are our identities and do not take away them. I have people that try to change my mind to transition without me even noticing and when I do realize that is happening it cuts to the very core of who I am though it is not all who I am. By trying to get to get me to stop transitioning it is like you are saying I do not matter and neither does my happiness. Everyone deserves to live a happy life. Instead of trying to control them let them make their life decisions. Instead of judging try getting to know why for instance why I am transitioning. My life is an open book. Since coming out as a transsexual I feel that I can be honest because I have been set free from those stories. Anyways have a lovely weekend!
-Sara Ashley Cole
"trans v. radical feminists"
Like I have stated that one of our biggest opponents is the Radical Feminists. They say that we, the transsexual females are using our so-called "Male Privilege" to assert ourselves to getting people to refer to us as females and using female pronouns and our chosen chosen name. But they fail to see that they are fighting the same battle as the Fundamentalists. They are the ones that want them to live traditional roles as females and not us. The Fundamentalists want them to be barefoot and pregnant and waiting on them hand and foot and they are also the ones that are against us,the transsexual females because we are not from their viewpoint living our lives as men and not doing our so-called roles as men. Radical Feminists are wanting to break away from societal norms and do not want to be seen as traditional women. They think that we are siding with the Fundamentalists and trying to get them back to living traditional roles as women but in reality we are on the same side just different perspectives. They fail to see that there are different kinds and types of transsexual females such as me I choose to be feminine but I feel that I can be both beautiful and yet I can do what a man can and more is my philosophy. There are transsexual females like a friend of mine that I will not mention her by name that refers to herself as a tomboy. There are also straight transsexual females that are attracted to only men and they're ones that are attracted to only women. Then they're ones like me who are bisexual and attracted to both men and women rather they are trans like me or cisgender. Cisgender is a new term to many which is someone who is assigned at birth as a gender and identify as that said gender. Well, I am not a cisgender but a transsexual. Many try to place me back in my box that society created for me long ago but will not go back. Going back to the box or as I refer to it as my closet it will only do one thing to me and that it will kill me and I choose to live. By choosing to live I chose long ago to transition. To transition all the way as in the what a lot of people call Sex Reassignment Surgery(SRS) it will make my body more in line with who I am in the inside. It will give me the kind of peace that I have been looking for in my whole entire life. Everyone deserves happiness and to seek where they can find it. I started my journey to seeking my happiness when I started to socially transition which by the way will be 20 months full time this coming month on April the 6th and 22 months since I made my very 1st public appearance as the authentic me as I have come to know and love. I had a trouble of loving others because I couldn't love myself. I couldn't love myself because I was living a lie and that simply is not in my very nature. Now I still struggle with loving myself because I need to learn to forgive myself for lying to myself and to others who I really am. Next month on the 21st I will go to a Doctor's visit for Hormone Replacement Therapy(HRT). I know that it will make me happier and make me love my true self and eventually leading me to forgive myself for not being honest with both myself and others. It is extremely important for me to get my word out so others will not have to struggle with what I had to struggle. If I can get the Radical Feminists to truly understand what we go through is similar to them and that we both have a common opponent, Fundamentalists then we can put away our differences and fight with a common bond but that is a huge task to complete for sure. So for now it is a good time to educate what we struggle with and share our stories with anyone that may come upon this page. So for now just trying to simply be me and honest with anyone that I come into contact with plain and simple. So simply live our truth in plain site and just maybe they will come to notice that we are sincere. But it takes one day at a time approach and so patience is what we need. Take care loves, and have a nice and lovely weekend!!! Kisses!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"being trans in the sea of the cisgenders"
Since the earliest part of my life I looked around in the world around me and saw that I was different than your average person. Early in life I learned that the world around me collects in groups of those alike and I simply didn't fit in anywhere. Not fitting in made me feel so alone in this life that I wondered where are those that are like me? But that question couldn't easily be answered. I knew deep from within me there was an answer to my question but years of looking from within I would simply find an answer. But for the time being I looked around and adsorbed what my world around me told me. I had been told all of my life that I am a male and accepted it. I found years later that I exchanged the truth for the lie. But anyways I tried to do what males do and imitate what they all do and act. I had no clue why I was doing these things but it did occur around the age of 8 that I gravitated to toys that little girls wanted but had no clue why. It still took me a little longer to see more evidence piling up and pointing a certain direction. Fast forward to the Junior year in high school more evidence piling up on me. I started to do what I had considered crossdressing. I enjoyed wearing women's clothes such as dresses. I quit doing that being afraid to be caught by my father and didn't cross my mind for many years to come. 18 years later I once again got the itch that had to be scratched. It was one day that I did some surfing on the internet that I came across. The article featured a young boy named Dyson that is now known on the internet as the "Princess Boy." It did resonate within me that maybe this is what I am. I thought just perhaps I was a male that enjoyed women's clothing. So I started up again what I had once considered to be crossdressing and got a sexual thrill from it but after doing that for a whole month that feeling all went away and I figured what all these issues I was having all along. Though at the time when I first started wearing dresses in a very long time I said to myself that this felt both right and normal and felt that I wasn't doing anything wrong at all. But literally and figuratively the very next month I woke up to myself. I realized that I was and still am a woman trapped in the wrong body. I tried several experiments on myself to see if I can get this out of my head but to no avail. I would go on to try back and forth accepting myself and rejecting myself but that led to me being suicidal and eventually made an attempt on my life which failed. I failed because God had a purpose for me that I realized which is another thing that I had wondered many times over in my life. Everyone is suppose to have a purpose and I wondered many times: Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why am I different than anyone else? But those answers are crystal clear to me. I am a woman that is trapped in the wrong body and there are many of us out there and I am not alone in this struggle. I am here to help educate the masses and future transsexuals who come to the same conclusion as me and to show them that they are not alone with this struggle. This struggle they have is my struggle. Everyone has an identity but my so just happens to be really special. My identity is unique and beautiful that needs a voice to show the world we, the trans community are simply like everyone else. Everyone even those that do not identify as trans are simply unique and beautiful. Mine uniqueness and beauty just come from a different place. It is a hard life being a transsexual especially when one is a transsexual female. Being a transsexual female there are always people out there that are trying to strip you of your identity and it is a daily struggle that I have. Everyone I feel has the right to find happiness but only if it is legal. I am not hurting anyone transitioning to the female that I am. But there are people out there that are dead set against it. First our biggest enemies are those that identify as Christians whom I refer to as Christian Conservative Fundamentalists. They believe in the traditional way of life. Living a traditional way of life to them is for instance if one is born a male there is nothing that one can do to change that. They feel that it is the chromosomes and DNA are the only factors for determining the sex of a person. They feel as though it is their job to protect society from people like me. They feel as though I am messing with God's design for me. When I go to say things like that my mom's hormones went into overdrive and left a brain implant that left me feeling like a woman they say that science is evil and that scientists are anti-God. Well if Scientists are both evil and anti-God then what does that make God? I will let you fill in the blank on that one. Then there is the other group my 2nd biggest enemies and they are the Radical Feminists group. They say that there is no such thing as the "female brain" and that we are men and never will be women. They say that we are using our so-called "Male Privilege" to get people to use our preferred names and pronouns. They have no clue what it is like to be trapped in the wrong body. To feel like you are trapped in the wrong body feels like to me as though the room is getting smaller and smaller and closing in on me till it consumes me. That feeling is what I am trying so very hard for me to avoid. The very reason for me to transition is to not have the world slowly close in on me and to let me to breathe. I need to be breathe and want to live but only on my terms not anyone else's concept or idea of how I should live out my days and my truth. I hope this helps anyone with this struggle rather it be having the feelings of trapped in the wrong body or accepting someone as being trans and it is the same idea if you or someone is transitioning from female to male this is just from my point of view. Good Night!
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"I wanna love myself 4 Ever"
Now this post comes from a song that is entitled "I Wanna Love You Forever." This is a love song for myself for which I changed the lyrics. I wanna love myself forever. I cherish every time I look into the mirror. I see someone that is living their truth. I embrace the woman that you have become. Seeing you all these years I seen the person who simply hated herself. She hated herself because she was a lying to herself and others. I now can embrace the woman you have become after years of agony. It took a life time to finally find that happiness though not all the time. Family is who loves you for who you are not one that only loves you not what they expect one to become.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"sara's spiritual journey"
Everyone that attends church on the regular basis experiences a spiritual journey rather they notice it or not. Well for those that attend churches that use the liturgical seasons one recognizes it is the Lenton season. Lent is the 40 day journey one experiences leading up to the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. I was talking to one of my Priests of the three churches I attend on Sundays and told him about my journey into womanhood. I mentioned to him that it just so happened that my wilderness journey into HRT(Hormone Replacement Therapy) is happening this time of year when we as Progressive Christians are in the season on Lent. Then I said that I do not think that this is by chance and he said that this is my unique Lent that I am experiencing and another friend of mine said that it is my cross to bear and that I am doing what God had in store for me all along.
I am a beautiful creature of God and a child of God and that no one can snatch it out of my hand. No matter what those so-called Christians say they do not know my heart but God does. It is not my very nature to lie and yet most of my life I had been lying to not only myself but to others and that is why I have been unhappy most of my life and these days I am experiencing the kind of happiness as though I am opening the blinds not only to the world but to my very soul that needed to be quenched. Everyday my soul was longing for spiritual water and I was denying that very thing. I needed to be quenched and to feel full of the healthy spirit and yet those days my soul was dying and so was I as I was longing for my truth to be shown not only to me but to the world. These days I no long hide the truth and the light is in me. I am radiant beyond description and see the world for what it is to me and though it is not accepting of people like me to me it is beautiful because I am truthful no matter what. I am stronger than ever before and the more people see the real me I know that they will accept me for who I am even when they do not agree with me. Slowly though they will experience me and see that I am about truth and feel most will accept me even on a greater level. I may have lost most of my family and lost most of what I possessed before me coming out and living my truth but learned a new sense of family and gain what I had lost and gained much more than I lost. The joy that I express is what God gave me long ago and that is my identity and expressing that very truth makes me more joyful than ever before. The more that I express my truth the happier I become. I learned a whole new definition of the world family. The new definition is as follows: Family is the group of people that are in your life that love you for who you are and support and care for you who you are. They are the ones that walk with you and I am not alone on my journey to becoming a woman because they walk with me and transition along with me. They learn from and I learn from them. It does however feel gratifying every time I hear the words: "I have learned a lot from you by sharing your journey with me." What refreshing words they are to hear and make me feel not only whole but complete. I had and still hear these words and ring so true..."What ever does not kill you makes you all the stronger." Wow these words have such a impact on me. The more I take a look at my journey to where to where it all began and where I am at and where I am going and to see how much I have grown as a person it makes me be in complete aww of myself.
I hope you all learn from me as I have learned from others who have started their transition before I had. Have a great week! Remember there are those that love you for you.
-Sara Ashley Cole
I am a beautiful creature of God and a child of God and that no one can snatch it out of my hand. No matter what those so-called Christians say they do not know my heart but God does. It is not my very nature to lie and yet most of my life I had been lying to not only myself but to others and that is why I have been unhappy most of my life and these days I am experiencing the kind of happiness as though I am opening the blinds not only to the world but to my very soul that needed to be quenched. Everyday my soul was longing for spiritual water and I was denying that very thing. I needed to be quenched and to feel full of the healthy spirit and yet those days my soul was dying and so was I as I was longing for my truth to be shown not only to me but to the world. These days I no long hide the truth and the light is in me. I am radiant beyond description and see the world for what it is to me and though it is not accepting of people like me to me it is beautiful because I am truthful no matter what. I am stronger than ever before and the more people see the real me I know that they will accept me for who I am even when they do not agree with me. Slowly though they will experience me and see that I am about truth and feel most will accept me even on a greater level. I may have lost most of my family and lost most of what I possessed before me coming out and living my truth but learned a new sense of family and gain what I had lost and gained much more than I lost. The joy that I express is what God gave me long ago and that is my identity and expressing that very truth makes me more joyful than ever before. The more that I express my truth the happier I become. I learned a whole new definition of the world family. The new definition is as follows: Family is the group of people that are in your life that love you for who you are and support and care for you who you are. They are the ones that walk with you and I am not alone on my journey to becoming a woman because they walk with me and transition along with me. They learn from and I learn from them. It does however feel gratifying every time I hear the words: "I have learned a lot from you by sharing your journey with me." What refreshing words they are to hear and make me feel not only whole but complete. I had and still hear these words and ring so true..."What ever does not kill you makes you all the stronger." Wow these words have such a impact on me. The more I take a look at my journey to where to where it all began and where I am at and where I am going and to see how much I have grown as a person it makes me be in complete aww of myself.
I hope you all learn from me as I have learned from others who have started their transition before I had. Have a great week! Remember there are those that love you for you.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"SARA'S JOURNEY INTO WOMANHOOD IN HER EYES"
I have learned so much from the journey that I have been to transitioning to the female I have been all along. Before coming to terms with the identity of just who I am I had to take a hard and honest look who I really am. Now everyone comes to an understanding of who they are and sometimes self discovery is not an easy one. My self discovery is what not most experience and though it is unique it is not an easy one. It is not easy to discover yourself being a female trapped in the wrong body when you are raised in a Christian Conservative Fundamentalist home. Being raised in the kind of environment you are taught certain things in life. Being raised in this kind of environment you are taught to fear God and to live your life on God's or so it appears but in reality it is on that religion's terms. Their terms for instance with their stance against the LGBT community that if one is any shape or form apart of it then they are destined for the gates of hell. Even if your gender identity doesn't match up to your biological sex which makes your body misaligned with your brain it still doesn't matter to them. If you are not happy of living the life that you feel in your heart of hearts is wrong you still in their eyes got to live your life, yeah I said "your life" on their terms not yours. They pitch it as such that they love and care for you and say they will pray you or your soul but in reality they are not saying they are uncomfortable with you who you are but that is what in a sense they are saying. It is not their religion that is in the way of seeing you for who you are it is their uncomfortable who you are. Their religion has them brainswashed to believing that transitioning is not right at all and they misuse Christian theology which uses the bible incorrectly to validate their point so that you will change your mind. They want you to see a "Christian" Counselor so they can "win" you back over to their side or viewpoint. All they care about is you siding with them and if you choose not to then you are against them. They pit this whole them versus the world to their advantage to assist them in their quest to get what they want.
I had to experience a lot that most have not had to experience. For instance I had to experience homelessness. Being homeless in hard enough on its own but to experience it while being trans is all the more harder. Most of the homeless that I was experiencing it with came from surrounding counties that are conservative whom most are against anyone that identifies as LGBT. Most of them especially see anyone that like me that identify as a transsexual female as effeminate gay men who dress as they see it a women. They do not see us as women and refuse to acknowledge our gender identity. I had to bounce around from shelter to shelter due to the fear I had to experience becauseafter all the threats that I received and received both death threats and threats to be beaten up.I Another thing I had to experience like most transsexuals I lost the love and support of most of my family all because of my identifying and living as a woman. Another thing that I have experienced is losing a job all because of my gender identity. In fact I have lost not only but two jobs because of my gender issues. The last job that I experienced just so happen to be on the same day I was officially disowned by my neuclear family.
I had to eventually start to work on myself after going through all these ordeals. I had to restart my life. One by one my life started being pieced together. With all the hard work of applying for jobs and seeking employers that would employee me I finally found a job that fits me to a "T." How approriate I use to a "T" with me being a transsexual but it does fit me like a glove. I came into a situation where I can be myself and not have to worry about being discriminated against for simply being myself. I have the freedom of simply living my true. My true self is finally set free with me even being called by my chosen name since I still need to check off my bucket list of legally changing my name and gender marker. So being called my chosen name and my preferred pronouns it does feel good of hearing my name and being referred in the gender I identify with, with my pronouns that I identify as well. I came into the ground floor of my employer which is Indiana University RPS of policies that protect gender identity and free of discrimination. Landing a job came at the coat tells of me finding a place recidency so having stable living quarters assisted me with the final goal of being back on my feet well outside of me getting my car back which is another story or another car for me to get around. But my life wouldn't be this good and so far if it not was for my church families that love and support me for who I am and as a person. Thanks be to God whom I give praise to.
Luckily I survived all of these horrifying experiences because all the friendships out there in the local LGBT and Trans Communities and allies and the LGBT and Trans Communities who have shown me all the love and that makes a huge difference. So make sure you have the love and support by 1st coming out to those who you feel are the most accepting and be prepared to lose it all and those that love you will assist you in making a huge splash of success in the future and of course if you have a faith remember it is not God's doing but her children that can cause you pain but there are churches that love you for who are so do your research before coming out. You can also email me @ [email protected] or [email protected]. Have a blessed week and remember there are those out there that love you and will love you just remain faithful. Amen!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
I had to experience a lot that most have not had to experience. For instance I had to experience homelessness. Being homeless in hard enough on its own but to experience it while being trans is all the more harder. Most of the homeless that I was experiencing it with came from surrounding counties that are conservative whom most are against anyone that identifies as LGBT. Most of them especially see anyone that like me that identify as a transsexual female as effeminate gay men who dress as they see it a women. They do not see us as women and refuse to acknowledge our gender identity. I had to bounce around from shelter to shelter due to the fear I had to experience becauseafter all the threats that I received and received both death threats and threats to be beaten up.I Another thing I had to experience like most transsexuals I lost the love and support of most of my family all because of my identifying and living as a woman. Another thing that I have experienced is losing a job all because of my gender identity. In fact I have lost not only but two jobs because of my gender issues. The last job that I experienced just so happen to be on the same day I was officially disowned by my neuclear family.
I had to eventually start to work on myself after going through all these ordeals. I had to restart my life. One by one my life started being pieced together. With all the hard work of applying for jobs and seeking employers that would employee me I finally found a job that fits me to a "T." How approriate I use to a "T" with me being a transsexual but it does fit me like a glove. I came into a situation where I can be myself and not have to worry about being discriminated against for simply being myself. I have the freedom of simply living my true. My true self is finally set free with me even being called by my chosen name since I still need to check off my bucket list of legally changing my name and gender marker. So being called my chosen name and my preferred pronouns it does feel good of hearing my name and being referred in the gender I identify with, with my pronouns that I identify as well. I came into the ground floor of my employer which is Indiana University RPS of policies that protect gender identity and free of discrimination. Landing a job came at the coat tells of me finding a place recidency so having stable living quarters assisted me with the final goal of being back on my feet well outside of me getting my car back which is another story or another car for me to get around. But my life wouldn't be this good and so far if it not was for my church families that love and support me for who I am and as a person. Thanks be to God whom I give praise to.
Luckily I survived all of these horrifying experiences because all the friendships out there in the local LGBT and Trans Communities and allies and the LGBT and Trans Communities who have shown me all the love and that makes a huge difference. So make sure you have the love and support by 1st coming out to those who you feel are the most accepting and be prepared to lose it all and those that love you will assist you in making a huge splash of success in the future and of course if you have a faith remember it is not God's doing but her children that can cause you pain but there are churches that love you for who are so do your research before coming out. You can also email me @ [email protected] or [email protected]. Have a blessed week and remember there are those out there that love you and will love you just remain faithful. Amen!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
"39 days in the Trans wilderness"
As the title suggests it is going to be the next 39 days in the trans wilderness for me. I have to wait for the next 39 days in the trans wilderness till I can see my Doctor for taking Estrogen. It is as though the very reasons for feeling such a disconnect from my body and soul and the rest of the world is because of the hormones that I have is not the correct ones that I should possess. My body has been the one that has been letting me down because it should have been producing Estrogen all along. Instead I have going down the road to a wilderness not knowing how this physical transitioning will affect me but do know one thing that it will make me feel more like myself. It will make me feel like more connected to the rest of the world. I will feel more like my true self.
My journey thus far has been filled with ups and downs. I have been doing well some days, some not as much and some feeling the agony of going at it all alone. There has been no support from most of my family though there has been some of the most amazing people in my life standing there in my corner cheering me on. Throwing support my way from some family, friends, those that I have met online and in the local community makes it easier but there is still something missing. My family that consist my parents, sister and her children. I didn't mention her husband because I wasn't too fond of him in the beginning before even coming out. There is no reason for me to mention why I am not fond of him because it really has bearing on just how I feel without most of my family but trust me I have no feelings for this guy of my sister's at all.
When I made the proclamation of me feeling that all along that I have been a female, one that had been hiding from the world they made me feel like that I am going against not only God but the family and what they stand for. They though simply place their own religion ahead of one of their own and cast me aside to the world to devour me, the ones that are against the trans community and LGBT. The world has been led astray to one identifying as LGBT and active in it as one that is going against God. We are taught that God more than hates these kind of actions and that we are going to our destination to which we deserve, hell. It is unfair to place that kind of judgment on someone whom you have not met. I am just a person and everyone deserves to be loved. Everyone deserves to feel safe and to be who they are even if it is against one's religious viewpoint. Everyone in the end is going to be judged one on one with God. I feel deep down inside with the deepest of feelings that there are way more important issues that has God occupied. The biggest of issues that God occupies God is how we treat one another. God is all about love and this passage in the bible points to just that...Matthew 22:36-40 and it states:
“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment.39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” I do love the Lord my God with all of my heart and I am a testimony to all the great things she has given me during my transition. She is the one that I give credit during my whole socially transitioning to the female that I have been all along. I have trusted her and have my deepest of faith in her and it shows with all that I have received for just that. My transition thus far is a success because of her and not because of me. She continues to work in me and through though I am not perfect. If one loves her then one has complete faith and trust in her and if one loves her then one loves. Now my love for humanity is no perfect in imagination at all and it fails from time to time but knows that I do try in my heart of hearts. If you love yourself then you can love others. I had to learn to love my spirit and not the body. My body fails me because I am in the wrong body but I do love my spirit and trust God that I will be made new when I physically transition in the girl that I am physically becoming. By loving myself more daily I can show love to others more too though like me they fail. To simply love someone just as God and Christ love to the best of my abilities then I made God very happy and make me successful in this life. I feel though I failed to love myself because of my body and that is not fair to my spirit. My spirit is the same as yesterday and especially before I came out publicly who I am and let them all in my feelings. Nowadays I simply am enamored by who I am becoming as a person and look forward with anticipation of the female that I will become physically. So to say that I am going to hell for what I am doing to my body is not right at all. If love is what hinges on the laws and those two commandments then why would God send me to hell? There is no hatred that comes from God but love. Most so-called Christians fail to love as they have been instructed by God and so they are the ones that I see failing but unlike them I do not judge but do say I would hate to be in their shoes come judgement day though. Like the song called "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed states: It seems my life is going to change
I close my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face
I prayed to God about my upcoming journey to transition or not and she led me to the conclusion that this is the correct direction in my life that I need to badly follow and that this is a test of my faith in her and to see or not I trust her with my life in toe.
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything ...oh yeah
With arms wide open..wide open
[Guitar Break]
If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything..oh yeah
With arms wide open....wide open
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything ...oh yeah
With arms wide open..wide open
[Guitar Break]
If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything..oh yeah
With arms wide open....wide open
Well I will update you all on where my journey is taking me. But in the meantime I will stop by to update you about my socially transition is going and what my thoughts are or any advice I may have for you. Have a great weekend. I am on Spring Break from my job and will be on more so have a chilled weekend ya'll.
-Sara Ashley Cole
My journey thus far has been filled with ups and downs. I have been doing well some days, some not as much and some feeling the agony of going at it all alone. There has been no support from most of my family though there has been some of the most amazing people in my life standing there in my corner cheering me on. Throwing support my way from some family, friends, those that I have met online and in the local community makes it easier but there is still something missing. My family that consist my parents, sister and her children. I didn't mention her husband because I wasn't too fond of him in the beginning before even coming out. There is no reason for me to mention why I am not fond of him because it really has bearing on just how I feel without most of my family but trust me I have no feelings for this guy of my sister's at all.
When I made the proclamation of me feeling that all along that I have been a female, one that had been hiding from the world they made me feel like that I am going against not only God but the family and what they stand for. They though simply place their own religion ahead of one of their own and cast me aside to the world to devour me, the ones that are against the trans community and LGBT. The world has been led astray to one identifying as LGBT and active in it as one that is going against God. We are taught that God more than hates these kind of actions and that we are going to our destination to which we deserve, hell. It is unfair to place that kind of judgment on someone whom you have not met. I am just a person and everyone deserves to be loved. Everyone deserves to feel safe and to be who they are even if it is against one's religious viewpoint. Everyone in the end is going to be judged one on one with God. I feel deep down inside with the deepest of feelings that there are way more important issues that has God occupied. The biggest of issues that God occupies God is how we treat one another. God is all about love and this passage in the bible points to just that...Matthew 22:36-40 and it states:
“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment.39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” I do love the Lord my God with all of my heart and I am a testimony to all the great things she has given me during my transition. She is the one that I give credit during my whole socially transitioning to the female that I have been all along. I have trusted her and have my deepest of faith in her and it shows with all that I have received for just that. My transition thus far is a success because of her and not because of me. She continues to work in me and through though I am not perfect. If one loves her then one has complete faith and trust in her and if one loves her then one loves. Now my love for humanity is no perfect in imagination at all and it fails from time to time but knows that I do try in my heart of hearts. If you love yourself then you can love others. I had to learn to love my spirit and not the body. My body fails me because I am in the wrong body but I do love my spirit and trust God that I will be made new when I physically transition in the girl that I am physically becoming. By loving myself more daily I can show love to others more too though like me they fail. To simply love someone just as God and Christ love to the best of my abilities then I made God very happy and make me successful in this life. I feel though I failed to love myself because of my body and that is not fair to my spirit. My spirit is the same as yesterday and especially before I came out publicly who I am and let them all in my feelings. Nowadays I simply am enamored by who I am becoming as a person and look forward with anticipation of the female that I will become physically. So to say that I am going to hell for what I am doing to my body is not right at all. If love is what hinges on the laws and those two commandments then why would God send me to hell? There is no hatred that comes from God but love. Most so-called Christians fail to love as they have been instructed by God and so they are the ones that I see failing but unlike them I do not judge but do say I would hate to be in their shoes come judgement day though. Like the song called "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed states: It seems my life is going to change
I close my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face
I prayed to God about my upcoming journey to transition or not and she led me to the conclusion that this is the correct direction in my life that I need to badly follow and that this is a test of my faith in her and to see or not I trust her with my life in toe.
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything ...oh yeah
With arms wide open..wide open
[Guitar Break]
If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything..oh yeah
With arms wide open....wide open
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything ...oh yeah
With arms wide open..wide open
[Guitar Break]
If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...
With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything..oh yeah
With arms wide open....wide open
Well I will update you all on where my journey is taking me. But in the meantime I will stop by to update you about my socially transition is going and what my thoughts are or any advice I may have for you. Have a great weekend. I am on Spring Break from my job and will be on more so have a chilled weekend ya'll.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"NASTINESS 2 the trans community"
The nastiness that surrounds the trans community from those that do not have a clue what it means to be trans say a lot of shit against us. Like take it from me the other day I heard from a supposed supporter of mine that I make a homely woman. Another hurtful thing that I heard uttered from the mouth from that person is that I will never be a woman. Another one that I heard was that God didn't make you one in the 1st place and that I was meant to be a male.Another one was this gem: The only reason why you are transitioning is because you hate yourself so much that you are making this mistake and that you will regret it.
It seems like every time I have an argument with this person, her true feelings come out but when we are not then she encourages me to buy all these dresses, and female jewelry. She even encourages me to go to these LGBT events and even attends them with me. She acts like she's a supporter of the LGBT Community then turns around and says things like it is so unnatural and that we are going against God, our Creator. Why do I continue to surround myself with this person if this is how she truly feels? Is it because deep down inside I feel she hates herself and deep down inside she's a lesbian or at least bisexual? Well, I think it stems from the fact that someone in the LGBT Community made her hate the LGBT as a whole. It is important to me to make a positive image to people like her about LGBT people, especially the trans community since that is what I identified 1st as.
-Sara Ashley Cole
It seems like every time I have an argument with this person, her true feelings come out but when we are not then she encourages me to buy all these dresses, and female jewelry. She even encourages me to go to these LGBT events and even attends them with me. She acts like she's a supporter of the LGBT Community then turns around and says things like it is so unnatural and that we are going against God, our Creator. Why do I continue to surround myself with this person if this is how she truly feels? Is it because deep down inside I feel she hates herself and deep down inside she's a lesbian or at least bisexual? Well, I think it stems from the fact that someone in the LGBT Community made her hate the LGBT as a whole. It is important to me to make a positive image to people like her about LGBT people, especially the trans community since that is what I identified 1st as.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"sara's journey 2 womanhood"
The journey of a transsexual is not an easy one. The journey of transitioning from one's assigned gender to one's perceived gender they should have been all along. Well, my true gender, my truth is that is less traveled, The Narrow Path that I believe that Christ speaks of for those that are truly followers of HIM. When one truly follows Christ one will face opposition and that is what I am facing just right now and that is when you know you are doing the right thing. I am after all these years following my heart inside of those that claim that not only say that they have my best at heart but say that they love me. They fail on both levels. It is as though I am from a different planet and in a foreigner that is loved by strangers. I have been estranged from family and family gatherings and it feels like yesterday though it will be 2 yrs since I have seen them collectively this coming July and the wounds feels very raw still. This is one of my hardest posts that I am working on as my heart feels extremely wounded still and my eyes are so full of tears. It is a pain that is unexplained that can't easily be put to words. I have thought that I had been healing emotionally and a friend of mine whom I wish I can help with these very feelings and yet didn't know why I can't help her. Well, it is because I can't even make myself better emotionally speaking. I am barely hanging on by a thread and yet I bottle it up the best that I can. There is not a day that goes by where I am not thinking bout them. Sometimes thinking about them makes me angry and while others make me wanna crawl into a ball tight as can be and cry my eyes out. I am usually a very outgoing and sociable but yet there are days where I wanna be left all alone to wallow in my emotional pain. But feeling this way can be unhealthy which is why a lot of the trans community ends up committing suicide of which I am trying so hard to not do. There are days though that I am so strong and there are days where I can hide these very feelings from the world and act like everything is alright. It is much like I am grieving the death of a loved one because it might as well be just that. I am no longer involved in their life and yet they continue to deny that I exist and wipe away my identity to justify their actions towards their loved one. I do admit that I constantly need to talk to get over this misery.
There are other things that occupy my mind as well like not knowing if I will be kicked off Section 8 for being too busy to see the Bloomington Housing Authority (BHA) my change income. I owe a lot of money in back pay for this. It is as I am being punished for being successful. Now I wouldn't be as worried as I have built up my savings but I haven't and worry that I will never be financially successful though I work a lot of hours.
Another thing that has me worried is that my 90 days of being hired review is almost up and have been working on my most troubling thing that I need to work on which is being punctual and the weather has been hard on me to do just that. I have been doing every other thing correctly and yet I worry constantly. I am one lost job away from being homeless again and that scares me to no end. I wanna succeed in life and have goals that I so wanna make and yet it feels like everyone that is against me all because I am a transsexual that they wanna see to it that I am a failure and go back to being the male that they see me as.
One other thing that is on my plate that I need off is worrying rather or not that I get enough sleep. I have been having neighbor issues of him and his friends being too noisy which I feel is making me tardy as well to work. I so badly wanna succeed in life but a lot of those out there wanna see me fall flat on my face and fail. When things are heading the right direction one faces all these obsticles and need to be strong and courageous but that is easier said then done. I so wanna be a successful that gives inspiration not cause for concern. I just need someone to be in my corner rooting me on to succeed and finish what I have started which is living an authentic life showing authenticity. I wanna be that role model that every transsexual looks to and say to them self if she can then so can I. Thank you all for taking your time to let me rant on. Send positive thoughts and prayers my way please and help me to stay positive. Have a great and warm weekend. "Warm weather brings positivity." -Sara Ashley Cole
There are other things that occupy my mind as well like not knowing if I will be kicked off Section 8 for being too busy to see the Bloomington Housing Authority (BHA) my change income. I owe a lot of money in back pay for this. It is as I am being punished for being successful. Now I wouldn't be as worried as I have built up my savings but I haven't and worry that I will never be financially successful though I work a lot of hours.
Another thing that has me worried is that my 90 days of being hired review is almost up and have been working on my most troubling thing that I need to work on which is being punctual and the weather has been hard on me to do just that. I have been doing every other thing correctly and yet I worry constantly. I am one lost job away from being homeless again and that scares me to no end. I wanna succeed in life and have goals that I so wanna make and yet it feels like everyone that is against me all because I am a transsexual that they wanna see to it that I am a failure and go back to being the male that they see me as.
One other thing that is on my plate that I need off is worrying rather or not that I get enough sleep. I have been having neighbor issues of him and his friends being too noisy which I feel is making me tardy as well to work. I so badly wanna succeed in life but a lot of those out there wanna see me fall flat on my face and fail. When things are heading the right direction one faces all these obsticles and need to be strong and courageous but that is easier said then done. I so wanna be a successful that gives inspiration not cause for concern. I just need someone to be in my corner rooting me on to succeed and finish what I have started which is living an authentic life showing authenticity. I wanna be that role model that every transsexual looks to and say to them self if she can then so can I. Thank you all for taking your time to let me rant on. Send positive thoughts and prayers my way please and help me to stay positive. Have a great and warm weekend. "Warm weather brings positivity." -Sara Ashley Cole
"Sara's journey in pics"
"finding Sara behind Gary"
Crossdressing- I had once upon a time fooled myself to thinking that I was simply a crossdresser. I thought it was only a hobby to relax me and while it did I found that I was simply more than I was willing to admit Finding my style took quite a while. My various styles have been sluttly, class and every day. I needed the time to find what look suited me. I had some work to do on my makeup skills. I found that I had the natural ability to do makeup but needed to do a trial and error to see what suited me.
Coming out to myself-The self-realization as being a woman trapped in the wrong body was an extremely emotional and bumpy road. When finally admitting to myself that I had these feelings deep within me I cried for hours while in a fetal position. It was in that moment of realizing that these feelings were this strong that I knew that I had to transition and all the way as in doing HRT, electrolysis and finally last but least SRS. By knowing all of this I knew in my heart of hearts that I would lose most if not most of my family. You see I was raised in a very typical Christian Conservative family that believes one living their life in a very traditional way. They believe that they have the power and will to control your life because they brought me in the world. They see me as a blemish to their representation to their position in society. They think of me as an embarrassment to how people think of them. When one realizes the people that were once in their life leave them as though you have a disease that they do not want to catch and so they abandon you and that very act of judging and hating you for simply living your truth simply hurts. Losing their love and support is like mourning their death because in a fact it is. It simply takes time depending on one’s love and support they receive and how they process and how fast they process grief. Having coping skills is a must when losing someone really important in your life and can’t be done alone which is why it is extremely important to see someone who specializes in the kind of therapy one needs. Believe me it hurts as I am still experiencing grief as it will be 2 years this coming October since they, my family have washed their very hands of me and 2 years come July that I have last seem them collectively. This will be my 2nd birthday without them to celebrate with me but at least I have my church family to celebrate with me or I would be at a loss. I have been struggling of late thinking of my mom and nieces and nephews not having them in my life and missing the very important events that are shaping their future which simply rips my heart out every time I think and dwell about it.
Coming Out at Work. Coming out at work is not easy and must be taken with the upmost extreme care and sensitivity. You never know how people are going to react how one comes out being trans. Society rather they collectively want to think about it or not is extremely diverse. It ranges from the extreme conservative to the extreme liberal and various religion practices or even being atheist. They even range different sexualities and gender identities. They can range from straight to gay/lesbian, bisexual and anywhere in the Trans spectrum. So you got to think about your customers, coworkers and management team that it is really important to when coming out to come out to those that more likely to accept you for you are and especially the LGBT community who have the experience on how and when to come out even if they do not identify as trans because in the end they are close in prosperity at least in theory. When I came out to my coworkers and managers I took it 1st to those that were more than likely to accept right down the line and when I was ready and comfortable enough to handle the situation or situations that may arise. I 1st came out at work when I was the closing cook at Burger King located in Spencer, Indiana. Now that is the worse place to come out not only as LGBT but Trans especially. I worked my 1st job as Sara as in wearing my wig, makeup, nail polish and dress and a pair of flats while carrying my purse which is good for me but I really should have toned it down a little as some felt that I was shoving my transsexuality in their face even though that was not the intent. But luckily for me that is not even a chance of me doing that as I wear a uniform but I still wear my choice of socks and sensible shoes carry my purse, wear my wig and makeup while carrying a purse which is way tone down as I wear a work shirt with a pair of jeans. I highly recommend as trying to be as conservative in your presentation of your gender and let your management team and coworkers and customers simply get to know you as a person first then the rest will fall into place and slowly integrating your look that you really want to do.
Coming out to friends, family, and people I meet. Coming out to friends can be rough. Luckily friends for me have been so opening and welcoming to me for simply being open and honest with them. I have even had some friends from my old church which by the way teaches against the LGBT which includes people like me and yet some of them accept for I am and love me for me which makes me feel really good inside. They build me up and edify me to keep going in the path that was simply made for me. They do not judge me because they do not know what I am going through and simply want me to be very happy and simply love me just as Christ loves and teaches. Now family, most of them like I stated earlier let their religion dictate how they look upon me and so with that they reject me. They feel as though God didn’t create me one gender and have me change to the one that I feel I identify as. They think that it is a form of sexuality when in fact sexuality and gender identify are not intertwined like most think is just that. Gender identity is the gender for whom you feel you are and sexual orientation is who you want to go to bed with. With me I didn’t figure out my true sexual orientation till almost a year into socially transitioning to the girl that I am truly. It took me living my true gender and to feel comfortable with me expressing my true gender to be able to take an honest look at myself to discover that all along I was truly a bisexual. I feel that I am bisexual all because I was assigned at birth as a male and socialized as one and lived all of my life till 2013 when I started living openly as the woman I truly feel that I am. Being open to who I am truly and being that open with the world makes me feel truly alive and liberated. Being authentic makes me show the world that one can be authentic with a little hard work and it does pay off.
Homelessness. With my family out of my life and during the time of working and coming out I lost a job and at the same time lost my family’s love and support. In the past when I was between jobs they would assist me financially till I bounced back and forth. Since losing them and my job I had no money to pay for rent and so I experienced homelessness. Being homeless is hard enough as it is but being homelessness is extremely hard. Most of the homeless come from conservative backgrounds and were not accepting me being trans. They felt that I was a blight to society even among them. They would let me know and even some went further and threatened me harm rather it be losing my life or at least beaten up so I felt extremely vulnerable. I bounced around from shelter to shelter and between friend’s homes and even got desperate and tried to check myself in for help with me thinking and dwelling about my everlasting hard times and wanting to take the easy way out. Though I didn’t get help like I truly wanted they gave me ways to cope but staying too long I got threatened to get arrested if I stayed longer at the hospital so then afterwards I started living on the streets but luckily for me I have friends that helped me from time to time which I eventually found a way back living off the streets which in time lead me to finding the perfect fit of a job for me and then proceeded to put my life back together.
Piercing together my life back. Struggling with living life on the streets and without family support and their love taught me how to be tough and gave me the street smarts that I needed so very badly. It taught me how to rely on myself and others together as one functioning unit and a lot can be accomplished. There are a lot of people out there that are simply cheering me on and wanting me to be so very successful. I had friends who I met when I stayed at their little community, called the Catholic Worker and do not let the name fool you because they are not associated with Catholics. They are a community that assists those struggling with homelessness and give them a home. They wanted so very badly to get me off the streets and on my own. They helped me get Section 8 Housing which another friend from my past assisted me getting on the list in the 1st place. Well, anyways a friend of mine at the Catholic Worker when I got news that I was being bumped up the list of receiving Section 8 he helped me fill out more paperwork to officially start finding a place to live. I made the necessary calls that he helped me what I needed to say to make the necessary calls and fast and eventually found a place thanks to another friend of mine who just so happens to be a Post MTF Transsexual and because of her I live in my own apartment. As luck would have it I have a place exactly right over her too. She would help me look for jobs and apply for them and one day I went to a place that I never thought of going and was led by the spirit of God. God led me to go to the HR at the Populars Building at Indiana University. I didn’t think I had a chance because in my past when still living as my birth name, Gary I made a mistake that got me fired so I thought I was on their blacklist. I was starting to walk past and in fact I did and God got me to turn around and walk in and found out that I could and just tell them why I was let go in a matter of fact. I then proceeded to when at home that very day signed up online for an account and started looking for a position to apply for. I found a position that I kind of thought I could do which was for Head Cashier and though I had cashier experience I thought I couldn’t do the position because the only higher position I had was for trainer and thought other candidates would have more qualifications than I but once again the spirit of God got me to do it again. With the help of God not only did I get the interview but I landed the job. The job is absolutely perfect for me because Indiana University is in the middle of working on policies dealing with Trans people such as myself, so I was walking on the ground floor. Not only that but I have a contract position which not only guarantees my hours but I have the highest paid per hours I have ever held. Not only that but I have benefits and have off mandatory time off without pay. My customer base absolutely loves me as do my management team and coworkers as well. I am in the perfect environment and serving my other purpose, my main purpose on earth. I am simply by working there educating the people around me what it is like having a Trans person around them and showing them that I am no different than anyone else and that we all are a little different than each other and there is nothing wrong with that at all. They are learning from and I am learning from them as well. So I am slowly normalizing Trans people by working where I work which feels extremely good and feels so gratifying just by doing my main purpose.
Various emotions in transitioning. There have been and still continuing to experience many emotions while transitioning to the female that I have been in my heart and now living out as one too. I have been extremely happy finally being liberated to no longer hiding who I am and being authentic for all the world to know. I have been and will maybe for a life time grieving the loss of most of my family for they are disappointed in my so called choice to live the life that I am meant to live. They feel that I am going against God and their raising and upbringing me they wanted me to live and so they can’t have any association with me. They feel as though if they have any association with me that they in turn are going against God for approving and accepting me for who I am and so they choice God and their interpretation of the bible instead of me. By not choosing me their own flesh and blood it is like ripping my heart out and stomping all over but in a sense that is what they are doing and make me feel worthless and that I am a piece of trash which hurts me on so many levels that it is really hard in describing what is going on my head. It is though they have been lost in some great tragedy because in a way that is what happened because I am no longer in their lives and they are not a part of mine either. Anger is another emotion that I have been feeling too. I am angry at my dad, sister and her husband and society and religion for them simply hating someone that is a part of the LGBT community being that I was made this way and it is not my fault but yet they judge me for who I am. Another is being afraid being that there are a lot of people that want to bring harm either by hurting or even killing someone that is LGBT. Wanting to bring harm in some way or another for simply showing even a little authenticity. It is driven by fear for something they do not understand so they are afraid which is no excuse for their hatred at all. God is all about love and does not know have hatred in Her too.
How you see yourself. How others see you. I see myself as the female that had once upon a time been begging to be released from bondage and be true to myself. I have had these female feelings for a lifetime and so have been my mannerisms. There was no shaking these at all and denying myself on just who I am was slowly killing me. I can no longer denying my identity that I was trying so desperately keep from myself and others. Majority of society sees me as someone who is a deceiver. They either think that I am trying to gain access the women’s bathroom and peep on them and even more and the other side thinks that I am trying to trick men into sleeping with me. That is all because the two major camps. One camp is the Religious Fundamentalists that are using religion to hide behind to hate me and justify their actions of pure utter hatred towards me. The other camp is the Radical Feminists that hate men and think that we Trans girls are forcing our viewpoint of how woman should look like and our so-called “Male Privilege” of getting society to refer to us girls (whink-whink) to our preferred names and pronouns.
Highs/Lows. There are going to be highs and there will be lows when one is transitioning even just socially from one gender to one’s own perceived gender. The low’s for me have been losing most of family’s love and support and all in the name of religion and being homeless. Being homeless and Trans is quite scary. One is very vulnerable one being homeless but it’s much worse when one is trans. Vulnerability though does teach oneself self-reliance and how to be tough mentally too. Highs for me have been being liberated from having to live a lie just to gain’s one’s love and acceptance. My identity has been tied to my social position and my family and now it is all about how I see myself. My identity that I had once tried so very hard to hide not only from myself but from the world is now out and front for all to see and it feels gratifying, beautiful, and wonderful.
Where I am and Where I am going. As I prepare myself going from socially transitioning to physically it excites me, scares me and it depresses me and all at the same time. I am excited because I have this huge goal that I am getting closer and closer to accomplish which a lot of transsexuals such as my friends have been doing and know in my heart of hearts that it is the right decision for me. It scares me because I have no idea what all the emotions that I have not experienced will cause me to react in certain situations like for instance at work. I have done my best to prepare them for what I will be going through but that is more mere words till it actually happens. It depresses me because there was this life that I tried for so long to live and the people that once were apart of my life that will not be there for me to experience this important milestone that I will be going through. I so badly know that I want them to be apart of this important step in this girl's here life. But in all the next plateau is for me to experience is HRT which for those that stands for Hormone Replacement Therapy which entails me lowering my testosterone to the levels of a Cisgender girl (those that were assigned at birth and identify as a girl) and replace them with estrogen and eventually when taking them long they will be the same levels as a cisgender girl. When making an important life altering decision such as this it is important to do your research and search your heart and do not let anyone make this all important decision for you because at the end of the day it is your life. I hope this helps you in your quest for living an authentic life for yourself and be genuinely happy. One last advice is this. Not all need to physically transition but for me it is necessary in order for me to go beyond that which is SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery) but that is not for awhile. Have a great weekend and love you all. Have a beautiful weekend and stay safe.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"discrimination"
Well today's topic that comes to mind to me is discrimination. You may ask why did I pick discrimination. That's a good question so let me break it down to you. OK? First off my definition of discrimination is hating someone that is different than you. Now dictionary.com's definition is this as follows...treatment or consideration of, or making a distinction in favor of oragainst, a person or thing based on the group, class, or category to which that person or thing belongs rather than on individual merit. Anyway you put it, it has been with us as people since the beginning of time. It is on the rise and it needs to be stopped. There is so many different categories of people being discriminated against one way or another. One is discriminated against for their ethnicity, their sexual orientation, gender identity, social status, religion or even gender and I am sure there are even more kinds of people that are being discriminated against but these are the major categories.
For starters one of the biggest categories grabbing the headlines right now is those for their ethnicity. The biggest of groups that are being discriminated against for their ethnicity is the African Americans. We have lost people like Mike Brown for an example when was being shot and killed by the police and Eric Garner uttering the words: "I can't breathe." He uttered these words when put in a choke hold. Many including myself believe race is what fueled the fire that ended these men their life and at the hands of the Police and all because of the color of their skin. When Martin Luther King Jr. stated: I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. But I feel as though those very words have been ignored by some who hold authority as in the law enforcement and that in itself scares me so very much.
Another kind of people that endure this is those that are LGBT. Society has taught that you should only fall in love with someone that is a different gender then you are. If you are a male then you should fall in love with women and not men and this is all because of religion has taught this throughout the decades that it is against God and is not natural therefore the discrimination is experienced by lesbians. Women are taught to as young girls to look for a husband and create babies and take care of the home all because this is God's intention for women. But I am sorry not all women are attracted to men or even are attracted to both. Not all women desire to stay at home even if they do have babies. Why would God give women brains if they are meant to stay at home and procreate and take care of the home. Women can work outside the home to and still take care of the house and men can or their women can do it together being that taking care of the home and raising children is it takes teamwork. Maybe they can't procreate or they choose not to and it is not wrong for them to do so, so back off. Many people in this world in a lifetime of the world are even bisexual and if you open your eyes you would notice that species are gay and so why would God make them gay and make it wrong for us to be so anyways. I feel that God made certain people this way and each one that God creates gay or not is a unique and beautiful creation. God is all about love not hate. Hate is not in her character. Why would she make someone gay and then punish them to hell? That would be double jeopardy. Then there are people out there that identify as trans in some way or another. To be trans one would be assigned one gender but identity are multiple ways as I was assigned at birth as a male but identify as a female which makes me a transsexual female. But there are a multitude of ways one can identify as trans but there are so many different combinations that I could potentially leave out so I will not go into detail what all they can be.
Another group of people that experience discrimination is those that are without a place to call home of which I know all too well what that is like. I was made homeless a little over a year ago and just got off the streets last September 15th and in December 1st of last year I found my place of employment. I was made homeless because my family decided that they would not help me financially all because I am transitioning to my one true gender which of course is female. They washed their hands of me all in the name of religion. They are traditionalists and do not want to be embarrassed and also worry about being punished by God by allowing me to transition and still have a relationship of me and so they disowned me. They allowed me to be on the streets and fend for myself and didn't even flinch or bat an eye if I survived or not. They didn't even care if I lived or died as long as they were "right with God." It is hard enough being homeless but being both homeless and trans is a very scary concept and yet I survived. It made me who I am today which is stronger than I knew what I was capable of.
I never heard of discrimination based on religion till 911. When 911 occurred the conservative news channels swiftly blamed Muslims and that point forward they were targeted by many and so they feared for their very lives. I can't even begin to fathom the fear that was running through them. I have a friend at one of my churches that identifies as Muslim and asked him a multitude of questions about his religion. Contrary to what I had learned in my family they are just like any other kind of person that just so happen to worship God in their own way just like any other religion and they aren't violent. I asked my friend what went through his head when Muslims were being blamed for 911 and he described what went through his head and it had me speechless. I feel so very bad what they have to experience. I know that I had heard what discrimination African Americans had to endure but had no idea even an ounce what they experienced till I came out as being a transsexual and now I had to try yet once again what it was like to experience it through the eyes of Muslims and that sends chills up my spine. No one should fear for their lives and yet them and many other people have to and it just comes to show just how bad and evil people can be.
Last but not least to say the least that experience discrimination is women. For since the beginning of time women are considered to be a sub-class and that men are superior beings. Society teaches us that men are the bread winners and that women are to stay at home and bear children, raise them and clean and take care of the home. But today a little of that is changed but not too much. Women today work outside the home but in jobs that are considered women's work, like nurses, teachers, cashiers though some are managers or even run huge corporations but are not paid as good as the men. Women still have not been the President of America though that is destined to change with Hillary Rodham Clinton and it is high time for women to be on the same level as men. Women still are not playing in the NFL or MLB and only one has played in the NBA though not long but at least one did for a short while.
Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. We are all humans first and foremost. So why not treat all the same. People to me are divided in 2 categories. The 2 categories are good and bad. My categories are not about sexual orientation, gender identity, social status, religion or even gender. I try my very best to apply the "Golden Rule." I try my best to treat people like I want to be treated though I am not perfect and far from it but at least I try.
Instead of judging someone for something they do not have in their control try and get to know that person. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Each of us are unique and special in one way or another. Instead of discriminating against someone that is different than you try and get to know them on a personal level. By getting to know someone that personal they may just become your best friend or even a future spouse. By simply giving that someone a chance you just may be the one that may or may not give them a reason to wanna achieve great things in their life and feel they have someone in their corner. Before having them enter your world they may feel like they have no one to go to when their life seems like it is spinning out of control and have no reason to even live. They may be contemplating on whether or not to end it all. Everyone acts like they have it all together when the opposite maybe the case. Love instead hate someone just as Christ, Himself did while on Earth living amongst us and even after His and return to his home in heaven. Amen!
-Sara Ashley Cole
For starters one of the biggest categories grabbing the headlines right now is those for their ethnicity. The biggest of groups that are being discriminated against for their ethnicity is the African Americans. We have lost people like Mike Brown for an example when was being shot and killed by the police and Eric Garner uttering the words: "I can't breathe." He uttered these words when put in a choke hold. Many including myself believe race is what fueled the fire that ended these men their life and at the hands of the Police and all because of the color of their skin. When Martin Luther King Jr. stated: I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. But I feel as though those very words have been ignored by some who hold authority as in the law enforcement and that in itself scares me so very much.
Another kind of people that endure this is those that are LGBT. Society has taught that you should only fall in love with someone that is a different gender then you are. If you are a male then you should fall in love with women and not men and this is all because of religion has taught this throughout the decades that it is against God and is not natural therefore the discrimination is experienced by lesbians. Women are taught to as young girls to look for a husband and create babies and take care of the home all because this is God's intention for women. But I am sorry not all women are attracted to men or even are attracted to both. Not all women desire to stay at home even if they do have babies. Why would God give women brains if they are meant to stay at home and procreate and take care of the home. Women can work outside the home to and still take care of the house and men can or their women can do it together being that taking care of the home and raising children is it takes teamwork. Maybe they can't procreate or they choose not to and it is not wrong for them to do so, so back off. Many people in this world in a lifetime of the world are even bisexual and if you open your eyes you would notice that species are gay and so why would God make them gay and make it wrong for us to be so anyways. I feel that God made certain people this way and each one that God creates gay or not is a unique and beautiful creation. God is all about love not hate. Hate is not in her character. Why would she make someone gay and then punish them to hell? That would be double jeopardy. Then there are people out there that identify as trans in some way or another. To be trans one would be assigned one gender but identity are multiple ways as I was assigned at birth as a male but identify as a female which makes me a transsexual female. But there are a multitude of ways one can identify as trans but there are so many different combinations that I could potentially leave out so I will not go into detail what all they can be.
Another group of people that experience discrimination is those that are without a place to call home of which I know all too well what that is like. I was made homeless a little over a year ago and just got off the streets last September 15th and in December 1st of last year I found my place of employment. I was made homeless because my family decided that they would not help me financially all because I am transitioning to my one true gender which of course is female. They washed their hands of me all in the name of religion. They are traditionalists and do not want to be embarrassed and also worry about being punished by God by allowing me to transition and still have a relationship of me and so they disowned me. They allowed me to be on the streets and fend for myself and didn't even flinch or bat an eye if I survived or not. They didn't even care if I lived or died as long as they were "right with God." It is hard enough being homeless but being both homeless and trans is a very scary concept and yet I survived. It made me who I am today which is stronger than I knew what I was capable of.
I never heard of discrimination based on religion till 911. When 911 occurred the conservative news channels swiftly blamed Muslims and that point forward they were targeted by many and so they feared for their very lives. I can't even begin to fathom the fear that was running through them. I have a friend at one of my churches that identifies as Muslim and asked him a multitude of questions about his religion. Contrary to what I had learned in my family they are just like any other kind of person that just so happen to worship God in their own way just like any other religion and they aren't violent. I asked my friend what went through his head when Muslims were being blamed for 911 and he described what went through his head and it had me speechless. I feel so very bad what they have to experience. I know that I had heard what discrimination African Americans had to endure but had no idea even an ounce what they experienced till I came out as being a transsexual and now I had to try yet once again what it was like to experience it through the eyes of Muslims and that sends chills up my spine. No one should fear for their lives and yet them and many other people have to and it just comes to show just how bad and evil people can be.
Last but not least to say the least that experience discrimination is women. For since the beginning of time women are considered to be a sub-class and that men are superior beings. Society teaches us that men are the bread winners and that women are to stay at home and bear children, raise them and clean and take care of the home. But today a little of that is changed but not too much. Women today work outside the home but in jobs that are considered women's work, like nurses, teachers, cashiers though some are managers or even run huge corporations but are not paid as good as the men. Women still have not been the President of America though that is destined to change with Hillary Rodham Clinton and it is high time for women to be on the same level as men. Women still are not playing in the NFL or MLB and only one has played in the NBA though not long but at least one did for a short while.
Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. We are all humans first and foremost. So why not treat all the same. People to me are divided in 2 categories. The 2 categories are good and bad. My categories are not about sexual orientation, gender identity, social status, religion or even gender. I try my very best to apply the "Golden Rule." I try my best to treat people like I want to be treated though I am not perfect and far from it but at least I try.
Instead of judging someone for something they do not have in their control try and get to know that person. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Each of us are unique and special in one way or another. Instead of discriminating against someone that is different than you try and get to know them on a personal level. By getting to know someone that personal they may just become your best friend or even a future spouse. By simply giving that someone a chance you just may be the one that may or may not give them a reason to wanna achieve great things in their life and feel they have someone in their corner. Before having them enter your world they may feel like they have no one to go to when their life seems like it is spinning out of control and have no reason to even live. They may be contemplating on whether or not to end it all. Everyone acts like they have it all together when the opposite maybe the case. Love instead hate someone just as Christ, Himself did while on Earth living amongst us and even after His and return to his home in heaven. Amen!
-Sara Ashley Cole
"I am who i am"
I am who I am. I am a beautiful creature, created by God. God made me just who I am. I'm as beautiful as a rainbow. I'm not blue but pink. I'm no less a girl than any other girl. I am not blue but pink. Stop labeling me a man and even a gay man. It's not wrong to be gay, that's just not me. Gender identity and sexual orientation aren't necessarily tied together. That is not what the Fundamentalists want you to believe they are just plain ole judging. Doesn't Matthew state anything about not judging? I believe that it does and even states: Do not judge for you too will be judged. I believe that the bible says that and that enough. So do not label someone even before you come to know them. My family thought they knew me and thought they were entitled to judge me yet they did not know me as much as they thought so and so judging me was way too rapid. Even those that appear to know you shouldn't judge you let alone a complete stranger. Have a great week.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"What are families?"
Just as the the suggests this blog is about families. Families are someone that cares for your well being. They simply love you just for being you. They are there to root you on just whatever you set your heart's desire to accomplish and are there for you when you need them. They will help you when you need it and lend you a supporting hand. They will be there to guide you and give you counsel when needed. They will not judge you but help you. They will not hinder you but be there for you when needed.
You maybe taught that families are blood but sometimes they are simply chosen. I learned that when I was disowned for me transitioning to my one true gender which is me living my life as a female which I had felt all of my life. It was a hard but valuable lesson that I was taught by my creator, The Creator, my Lord and Savior and my Mother, Jesus and God. The creation is not always perfect but they are that is Jesus and God. Sometimes people disappoint you when you need them most just like my own family as they washed their hands of me all in the name of religion. Their religion is based on Human's tradition which is we are born as the gender that we were assigned at birth which for them they simply see me as a male and that in their tradition states that can't be changed no matter what. They said that God intended me to be a male and that I am following Satan into his trap into losing my salvation. But why would God create me as a transsexual and then send me straight to hell for doing what I am suppose to do in life? That just doesn't make any sense at all. Right?
But lucky for me I have my chosen family which supports me in every sense of the word. My new church, well my three new churches which are all lucky for me are Open, Welcome, and Affirming to the LGBT community and they have told me that I am teaching them new things such as what it means to be trans. That makes me feel really good inside and have been told that by having my life transform into something really good like no longer being homeless and having stable employment that God simply is rewarding me for showing great faith and trust in Her and working hard in setting my life back up. If I was doing something that God, Herself didn't want me to do then why is all this good happening to me and so really fast? That simply doesn't make any sense at all. Right? Anyways follow your hearts desire, and reach for the stars. Thank you all and have a great week.
-Sara Ashley Cole
You maybe taught that families are blood but sometimes they are simply chosen. I learned that when I was disowned for me transitioning to my one true gender which is me living my life as a female which I had felt all of my life. It was a hard but valuable lesson that I was taught by my creator, The Creator, my Lord and Savior and my Mother, Jesus and God. The creation is not always perfect but they are that is Jesus and God. Sometimes people disappoint you when you need them most just like my own family as they washed their hands of me all in the name of religion. Their religion is based on Human's tradition which is we are born as the gender that we were assigned at birth which for them they simply see me as a male and that in their tradition states that can't be changed no matter what. They said that God intended me to be a male and that I am following Satan into his trap into losing my salvation. But why would God create me as a transsexual and then send me straight to hell for doing what I am suppose to do in life? That just doesn't make any sense at all. Right?
But lucky for me I have my chosen family which supports me in every sense of the word. My new church, well my three new churches which are all lucky for me are Open, Welcome, and Affirming to the LGBT community and they have told me that I am teaching them new things such as what it means to be trans. That makes me feel really good inside and have been told that by having my life transform into something really good like no longer being homeless and having stable employment that God simply is rewarding me for showing great faith and trust in Her and working hard in setting my life back up. If I was doing something that God, Herself didn't want me to do then why is all this good happening to me and so really fast? That simply doesn't make any sense at all. Right? Anyways follow your hearts desire, and reach for the stars. Thank you all and have a great week.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"sara's week"
These days are good but not every moment, every second aren't rainbows and unicorns as for every good memory being made there are some being made that I wanna forget too. I work so much that I do not have nearly as much as "ME" Time that I need or even want. Or as I refer to that time, "Sara" time. I am being pulled every which way possible and there is so little to give and when I give it hurts. There is times where I wanna have some alone time and not have my space or time well they are both the same and well as one can imagine that makes one go crazy if deprived of their space. When I have space I simply have time to decompress and that is what everyone of us need. When I have "Sara Time" I have a time to breathe in and breathe out and the whole world wins but when I do not have the time to myself then they whole world loses. When someone needs their space and asks you, honor and respect that wish. Thank you. Have a great week.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"justice"
As we approach MLK Day we can't help but but think about justice. As a MTF Pre Op Transsexual, I constantly think about justice. Where's the justice for all the trans community when we experience discrimination for gender identity. To Experience discrimination for gender identity all in the name of religion is just plain ole wrong plain and simple. We, the trans community have lost our loved ones through extermination, suicide. We even it through loss our place of employment and our place where we reside. I for one have lost my job or should I say two jobs due to my gender identity and expression and been homeless. To lose my family made it all the worse. To lose my family is like I lost them to death which in sense is because I no longer see and talk to them all because of my gender identity and expression. I lost my family's love and support all in the name of religion. To lose my safe haven of shelter and employment I can't even begin to describe what was going on my mind. I will try my best to go in some detail what was going on my mind the best that I can though. One should be loved for no reason by one's own family and to go and lose that you start to question whom you can trust and what can one do to lose the love of a friend and my case church family. When that starts to happen you tend to trust very little people and stick to yourself. When trusting your self and very little you have to get through being homeless and unemployed. It took me quite awhile to get back on my feet. So I had to piece together slowly the shattered pieces of my life back together.
Today I have got my life back on track. Today I more self-sufficient as I have a place where I can take care of myself. I have been taking care of the basics such as bed linen, washing my laundry and purchasing cleaning products. I have even went out to eat and bought some clothes and heels. Being able to shop and for myself instead of having to work the system to acquire things feels so much greater. To appreciate the small stuff these days takes me more and more away from the days of being homeless.
Each day I remind myself that I am not that far away to being homeless and unemployed to keep myself from doing anything stupid to lose what all that I have gained. This time around losing my job and employment I can lose all the support that I can do so I am constantly reminding myself to not take it all for granted and live one day at a time. Live hour by hour, day by day, week to week, and month to month. Taking care of every little detail is extremely important to make sure that I keep taking the necessary steps in the correct direction and never losing sight of the goal of my life and more importantly, my journey. My goal has been all along to transition physically and well that can't be achieved being homeless and unemployed. One needs money and stable environment to achieve one's goals in life. Life living in an apartment is a commodity and so is having a job which both are hard to achieve more than ever before so never take them for granted.
-Sara Ashley Cole
Today I have got my life back on track. Today I more self-sufficient as I have a place where I can take care of myself. I have been taking care of the basics such as bed linen, washing my laundry and purchasing cleaning products. I have even went out to eat and bought some clothes and heels. Being able to shop and for myself instead of having to work the system to acquire things feels so much greater. To appreciate the small stuff these days takes me more and more away from the days of being homeless.
Each day I remind myself that I am not that far away to being homeless and unemployed to keep myself from doing anything stupid to lose what all that I have gained. This time around losing my job and employment I can lose all the support that I can do so I am constantly reminding myself to not take it all for granted and live one day at a time. Live hour by hour, day by day, week to week, and month to month. Taking care of every little detail is extremely important to make sure that I keep taking the necessary steps in the correct direction and never losing sight of the goal of my life and more importantly, my journey. My goal has been all along to transition physically and well that can't be achieved being homeless and unemployed. One needs money and stable environment to achieve one's goals in life. Life living in an apartment is a commodity and so is having a job which both are hard to achieve more than ever before so never take them for granted.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"New year =New beginnings 4 Sara"
With the new year it is a great time to hit the reset button and reinvent yourself and set soft goals for one self. Well that is what I am doing is the latter which it is not a New Year's Resolution but setting goals. I am planning on commencing on an all important step for a transsexual which is HRT. Dumping out my testosterone to the level of a cisgendered woman and introducing my body to the hormones that should have been there all along, Estrogen. With each passing day my body is constantly screaming bloody murder for Estrogen. It is as though I should have been a female all along which I have but stuck with a male body. No wonder my teenage years were so terrible for me. It was terrible because I was going through the wrong puberty which explains why I have been miserable for most of my life.
Another milestone that I am looking to check off my list of steps of physically transitioning is having electrolysis which I will commence once I have been on HRT for 3 months as my body will start to appear very feminine and having no more beard lines is the next step to not have the appearance of a male but as a female. Along with getting rid of the beard line is ridding myself of the body hair so I will have an even more feminine appearance. All these goals that I have started planning on doing is great but for now just enjoying of ringing in the New Year on a very extremely positive note unlike this past one. Instead of focusing on what all I have lost I looking forward to what all I can accomplish and gain which does anyone good not just trans people but anyone.
Last night on New Year's Eve I had an amazing time with a friend celebrating with my local Bloomington Community. My celebration with a friend commenced at a local gay bar, The Back Door and saw some people of the gay community who have become my friends, but more importantly, my chosen family which there is not going to replace what I have lost but at least they are there for me. Then I continued on with my partying by doing something that I have never done before which is bar hopping which the next destination was Kilroy's and then later on to Dunn Kirk. Though I didn't drink I had a blast. I believe drinking for me would have been a bad idea for me because I would have lost my inhibitions which is real trouble for a trans girl. I feel that if I had been drinking and drunk I would have relations with some guy and just maybe he would find out that I am a transsexual and may not like that and get myself into some serious trouble and not be even doing this blog post. Or quite perhaps I would have been some drunken guy's bucket list and have relations with me so he can tell his friends that he slept with a trans girl. But anyway it would not have had been really great for me to drink. I do not need to drink to have fun as after coming out as being a transsexual female I can simply be myself and have some real and meaningful fun and without alcohol. I do not want to appear as a whore and give the trans community a bad wrap as some have done in the past. I want to be the example that appears to the world just like anyone else except that we just simply have gender issues and simply want to be happy and comfortable in our own skin. The last bar that me and my friend were at there was some excitement at the very end when some patrons got a little too much drunk and had to be removed from the bar. Seeing the bouncer get rough on the drunken and disorderly was something that I have never experienced all because I have to admit, a sheltered life. I had some really cute guys hit on me and made me feel so beautiful and yet no one treated as a transsexual but simply as a woman who loves having fun while looking amazing. My friend that went along with me kept telling how beautiful I looked and how great a job my makeup was and made me feel really special. We concluded our night of celebrating at McDonald's a quiet venue after all the pandemonium. After we got home from all the celebration I quickly got myself to bed as I was tired but had a lot of fun, the most fun that I have had in a long time besides all the shopping I have done because of all the money that I have made from my employer. Happy New Year to you all my loyal followers and may your year be successful too!
-Sara Ashley Cole
.
Another milestone that I am looking to check off my list of steps of physically transitioning is having electrolysis which I will commence once I have been on HRT for 3 months as my body will start to appear very feminine and having no more beard lines is the next step to not have the appearance of a male but as a female. Along with getting rid of the beard line is ridding myself of the body hair so I will have an even more feminine appearance. All these goals that I have started planning on doing is great but for now just enjoying of ringing in the New Year on a very extremely positive note unlike this past one. Instead of focusing on what all I have lost I looking forward to what all I can accomplish and gain which does anyone good not just trans people but anyone.
Last night on New Year's Eve I had an amazing time with a friend celebrating with my local Bloomington Community. My celebration with a friend commenced at a local gay bar, The Back Door and saw some people of the gay community who have become my friends, but more importantly, my chosen family which there is not going to replace what I have lost but at least they are there for me. Then I continued on with my partying by doing something that I have never done before which is bar hopping which the next destination was Kilroy's and then later on to Dunn Kirk. Though I didn't drink I had a blast. I believe drinking for me would have been a bad idea for me because I would have lost my inhibitions which is real trouble for a trans girl. I feel that if I had been drinking and drunk I would have relations with some guy and just maybe he would find out that I am a transsexual and may not like that and get myself into some serious trouble and not be even doing this blog post. Or quite perhaps I would have been some drunken guy's bucket list and have relations with me so he can tell his friends that he slept with a trans girl. But anyway it would not have had been really great for me to drink. I do not need to drink to have fun as after coming out as being a transsexual female I can simply be myself and have some real and meaningful fun and without alcohol. I do not want to appear as a whore and give the trans community a bad wrap as some have done in the past. I want to be the example that appears to the world just like anyone else except that we just simply have gender issues and simply want to be happy and comfortable in our own skin. The last bar that me and my friend were at there was some excitement at the very end when some patrons got a little too much drunk and had to be removed from the bar. Seeing the bouncer get rough on the drunken and disorderly was something that I have never experienced all because I have to admit, a sheltered life. I had some really cute guys hit on me and made me feel so beautiful and yet no one treated as a transsexual but simply as a woman who loves having fun while looking amazing. My friend that went along with me kept telling how beautiful I looked and how great a job my makeup was and made me feel really special. We concluded our night of celebrating at McDonald's a quiet venue after all the pandemonium. After we got home from all the celebration I quickly got myself to bed as I was tired but had a lot of fun, the most fun that I have had in a long time besides all the shopping I have done because of all the money that I have made from my employer. Happy New Year to you all my loyal followers and may your year be successful too!
-Sara Ashley Cole
.
"year of rebuilding"
Well this year began on a sour note when I opened the New Year without an family support which put more than a damper on my life. Having one day family in my life then waking up and losing their support or interaction in my life and losing a job all in one day would seem like hell well it is for sure. It took the wind from my sales of life for sure. It seem like there was destruction of my life and there was a surmountable amount of ruble left behind that compares to what Katrina did to New Orleans. I had nothing in my life that gave you an impression of there was any life in it. My life was in ruins for sure and losing the people that you trust and love and makes you question who would love me and care for me like them? But you realize those people that said they loved you and that you placed your trust in more than kill your trust in others. That makes anyone start to question whom do I go to that will show me any ounce of love that I can put my trust in? Going through a tragedy makes living a life hard and struggle with just surviving day-to-day activities that one needs to do to complete to start putting their life slowly back together.I couldn't look for a job on the regular basis because of my depression and simply did stuff to push people out of my life. People want positive people in their life and they have enough negative ones in their lives so they do not socialize with more than they already have. I lost my apartment because I had no family support to assist me financially till I found work so I went homeless. I bounced around from shelter to shelter and from one friend's home to another and some where I lost my car to someone that I knew less than a week due to it being stolen and a friend that had paid for my storage unit stop doing so, so I lost what I had managed to keep so my childhood memories or just that only memories. Some where during that time I had a mental breakdown and tried to go to the 5th floor for those mentally unstable but was found not to be that bad of shape by them and got threatened to go to jail if I didn't leave the hospital being that I had no where to go and eventually slept outside but at least near my church which got me through being homeless without having my life threatened.
I eventually made it to the top of the list for Section 8 which I had a friend that accepts me as I am from my old life when living a lie as the man that the world saw me as. I then found a place that accepts my Section 8 voucher and less than 2 months living there I found a job of which is the perfect fit for me. It accepts transsexuals being that I am gainfully employed by Indiana University RPS as their Head Cashier position. It is a 3/4 Full Staff position which guarantees me full-time hrs being paid $10.79/hr with full benefits and 13 weeks off a year though it is with no pay. Even though I haven't changed my legal name and gender marker they still refer to me as Sara and with female pronouns. Most of my paperwork is in that name with the minimum being in my legal name though that will change once I change my legal name to Sara. With less than a month in I have made so many new friends and my management, coworkers, and customer base treat me as any other female and even allowed to use the women's facilities too. I have been invited to a Office Christmas party to Sam, my Student Supervisor and she even gave me her old iPod 4 which I am presently using to listen to Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory album on YouTube. I have even opened both a Checking and Saving Account at IU Credit Union and they treat me like any other girl though they have my legal name on file but still call me Sara and use female pronouns when talking to me.
Right now I am on vacay and have been checking some major bucket items off my list of being a transsexual. I have purchased a new wig which was more than due, had my eyebrows threaded, got my 2nd ear piercing. I have went on a shopping spree as well purchasing some new cute clothes, heels, new makeup, and even some socks.
Life has changed for me even a year ago at this time as I am looking forward to New Year's as I will be attending The Back Door's New Year's celebration which by the way is our town's only gay bar. I will be going with a friend though she is a cisgender straight female. She wants to be there for support for me which is really cool for me. So one can say that my year ends in a bang which is totally the opposite of how most of my life has gone.
With the new year ringing in I am anticipating a great year with so many goals already in place for me to achieve. I anticipate that I will be very successful and achieving my great things. For the 1st time in a long time I am extremely excited what I can achieve in my life. I eagerly await commencing on HRT which I have been long ago been given the green light, changing my name legally and changing my gender marker going by the advice that a friend had given me through a legal loophole. I also plan on having a full body shave and do electrolysis. So Happy New Year's to everyone and wishes to a very successful year to everyone and love you my loyal followers.
-Sara Ashley Cole
I eventually made it to the top of the list for Section 8 which I had a friend that accepts me as I am from my old life when living a lie as the man that the world saw me as. I then found a place that accepts my Section 8 voucher and less than 2 months living there I found a job of which is the perfect fit for me. It accepts transsexuals being that I am gainfully employed by Indiana University RPS as their Head Cashier position. It is a 3/4 Full Staff position which guarantees me full-time hrs being paid $10.79/hr with full benefits and 13 weeks off a year though it is with no pay. Even though I haven't changed my legal name and gender marker they still refer to me as Sara and with female pronouns. Most of my paperwork is in that name with the minimum being in my legal name though that will change once I change my legal name to Sara. With less than a month in I have made so many new friends and my management, coworkers, and customer base treat me as any other female and even allowed to use the women's facilities too. I have been invited to a Office Christmas party to Sam, my Student Supervisor and she even gave me her old iPod 4 which I am presently using to listen to Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory album on YouTube. I have even opened both a Checking and Saving Account at IU Credit Union and they treat me like any other girl though they have my legal name on file but still call me Sara and use female pronouns when talking to me.
Right now I am on vacay and have been checking some major bucket items off my list of being a transsexual. I have purchased a new wig which was more than due, had my eyebrows threaded, got my 2nd ear piercing. I have went on a shopping spree as well purchasing some new cute clothes, heels, new makeup, and even some socks.
Life has changed for me even a year ago at this time as I am looking forward to New Year's as I will be attending The Back Door's New Year's celebration which by the way is our town's only gay bar. I will be going with a friend though she is a cisgender straight female. She wants to be there for support for me which is really cool for me. So one can say that my year ends in a bang which is totally the opposite of how most of my life has gone.
With the new year ringing in I am anticipating a great year with so many goals already in place for me to achieve. I anticipate that I will be very successful and achieving my great things. For the 1st time in a long time I am extremely excited what I can achieve in my life. I eagerly await commencing on HRT which I have been long ago been given the green light, changing my name legally and changing my gender marker going by the advice that a friend had given me through a legal loophole. I also plan on having a full body shave and do electrolysis. So Happy New Year's to everyone and wishes to a very successful year to everyone and love you my loyal followers.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"heal the world"
First off I would like to say to you, my loyal followers Merry Christmas a very happy New Year. Happy Birthday to Jesus and Happy Mother's Day to the ultimate example what a mother is to look like, Mary, mother of Jesus.
There is so much pain in the world. So much brokenness that is high time to mend the hurt. There is way too much strife in the world Jesus came to the world to set the oppressed free. Those that are oppressed by the world are the very ones that are simply broken. There is way too much hurting of humanity through our differences. But instead of of putting up barriers between the majority and minority let's celebrate the diversity in our world.
Now I'm one of the broken as today I'm without family on Christmas. Christmas to me is about getting together with family and getting a day of rest making beautiful memories with loved ones. I'm not alone with this struggle and neither are you as well. I share your pain and sorrow. Being alone doesn't feel well especially when one's own family. Hurt is experienced from those those face discrimination rather it is for one's sexual orientation, gender identity, those that are poor or even homeless or from what ever reason. I even have a friend whose own family turned on her when she lost her father and mother when they passed onto the next life and instead of embracing her through her grief they criticized her for doing charity work which is free. But she has a heart of gold wanting those are struggling to not wanting them to be alone. She reached out a loving hand to me, a once upon a time ago not long ago a homeless and unemployed MTF Transsexual. We both lost our families though for different reasons we share each other's burdens and have bonded for the commonality. See if you look at what we the human race have in common instead of the differences that divide the world would be a much better as Michael Jackson's lyrics state in "Heal the World." His song influences this post which simply drips with passion and emotions.
Music is a great influence in my posts and so is Christ and God. Love you all and have a Merry Christmas to you and yours and have a Happy New Year. Instead of of dividing humanity let's celebrate diversity. It shouldn't matter what one's social status, sexual orientation, gender identity, race, what church one attends or not, if one has faith or not or even if one is an atheist. Let's get over all this shit and hatred and instead show love and compassion. Amen!!! :) <3
-Sara Ashley Cole
There is so much pain in the world. So much brokenness that is high time to mend the hurt. There is way too much strife in the world Jesus came to the world to set the oppressed free. Those that are oppressed by the world are the very ones that are simply broken. There is way too much hurting of humanity through our differences. But instead of of putting up barriers between the majority and minority let's celebrate the diversity in our world.
Now I'm one of the broken as today I'm without family on Christmas. Christmas to me is about getting together with family and getting a day of rest making beautiful memories with loved ones. I'm not alone with this struggle and neither are you as well. I share your pain and sorrow. Being alone doesn't feel well especially when one's own family. Hurt is experienced from those those face discrimination rather it is for one's sexual orientation, gender identity, those that are poor or even homeless or from what ever reason. I even have a friend whose own family turned on her when she lost her father and mother when they passed onto the next life and instead of embracing her through her grief they criticized her for doing charity work which is free. But she has a heart of gold wanting those are struggling to not wanting them to be alone. She reached out a loving hand to me, a once upon a time ago not long ago a homeless and unemployed MTF Transsexual. We both lost our families though for different reasons we share each other's burdens and have bonded for the commonality. See if you look at what we the human race have in common instead of the differences that divide the world would be a much better as Michael Jackson's lyrics state in "Heal the World." His song influences this post which simply drips with passion and emotions.
Music is a great influence in my posts and so is Christ and God. Love you all and have a Merry Christmas to you and yours and have a Happy New Year. Instead of of dividing humanity let's celebrate diversity. It shouldn't matter what one's social status, sexual orientation, gender identity, race, what church one attends or not, if one has faith or not or even if one is an atheist. Let's get over all this shit and hatred and instead show love and compassion. Amen!!! :) <3
-Sara Ashley Cole
"mary Did You know?"
Hi all! I know you are wondering what this post is about and if it has to do anything about transsexuality. Well I am taking this post off from that very subject though will make a quick mention of it then that will be it. Me, being a transsexual female whose faith once was high when living her old life as the male that the world once told her she was now had at one point had it fall to an all-time low now has it soaring to great heights that I had never seen before. Well anyway this title came from one of my favorite Christmas Songs and I advise you to check out the YouTube link here...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifCWN5pJGIE
But anyways in this life and in this world the male role has been worshiped and adored and the female role is a leftover thought. Well in the Fundamentalist world Jesus being born into this world is being celebrated much not much is thought of his mother, Mary. Well that needs to stop today as it should have long ago. Just think what an awesome experience to have the Son of God inside of you and thinking that you need to do everything perfectly and how this Christ-Child is being born in the world and is to save the world and set the oppressed free. Now that sounds like an awesome responsibility and it is for sure. Just think the one that is to be here in the world that is suppose to save the world and set the oppressed free it must have scared her so very much. The fundamentalists want you to think that she was scared because she wasn't married but pregnant but in reality it was the awesome responsibility being placed on her especially being so young. Like first time mothers she must have thought what if that and what if that when wondering if she would be a great mother being that it is her 1st. But Mary did such an amazing job and in the end it was her faith and trust in God that got her through it and I feel that Mary too needs to be celebrated as we embark on another Christmas being celebrated. Another problem is that in the secular world Christmas has become another opportunity to make money in a country where we are already rich and becoming materialistic and no wonder America is so hated and despised it is because all the greed that surrounds America. It used to be a family holiday spent with family and making awesome memories and remembering the birth of Christ but with me I am making time to celebrate not only Christ but Mary as well. In a world where the males are being worshiped and adored women should be as well like on an even level. Women can do anything that men can do and I feel even better as men are too aggressive as women are passive. Both need to find a middle ground but women in the end are just as important as men. Merry Christmas to all and remember to take time and reflect not only on Christ but Mary as well.
-Sara Ashley Cole
But anyways in this life and in this world the male role has been worshiped and adored and the female role is a leftover thought. Well in the Fundamentalist world Jesus being born into this world is being celebrated much not much is thought of his mother, Mary. Well that needs to stop today as it should have long ago. Just think what an awesome experience to have the Son of God inside of you and thinking that you need to do everything perfectly and how this Christ-Child is being born in the world and is to save the world and set the oppressed free. Now that sounds like an awesome responsibility and it is for sure. Just think the one that is to be here in the world that is suppose to save the world and set the oppressed free it must have scared her so very much. The fundamentalists want you to think that she was scared because she wasn't married but pregnant but in reality it was the awesome responsibility being placed on her especially being so young. Like first time mothers she must have thought what if that and what if that when wondering if she would be a great mother being that it is her 1st. But Mary did such an amazing job and in the end it was her faith and trust in God that got her through it and I feel that Mary too needs to be celebrated as we embark on another Christmas being celebrated. Another problem is that in the secular world Christmas has become another opportunity to make money in a country where we are already rich and becoming materialistic and no wonder America is so hated and despised it is because all the greed that surrounds America. It used to be a family holiday spent with family and making awesome memories and remembering the birth of Christ but with me I am making time to celebrate not only Christ but Mary as well. In a world where the males are being worshiped and adored women should be as well like on an even level. Women can do anything that men can do and I feel even better as men are too aggressive as women are passive. Both need to find a middle ground but women in the end are just as important as men. Merry Christmas to all and remember to take time and reflect not only on Christ but Mary as well.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"with you"
When one sees the title one may wonder what in the hell is this going to be about? This post comes from an inspirational song by a band, a favorite band of mine to mention, Linkin Park. Like the lead singer, Chester Bennington, I too was bullied senselessly all because of me being different. He now is the lead singer of the world's most renown bands, Linkin Park. His song that he wrote has so much meaning to me that I will try my very best to glean from it what I am driving at here. It to me seems like a autobiographical song to me. Here are the lyrics and will try and break it down for you all.
I woke up in a dream today
To the cold of the static and put my cold feet on the floor
Forgot all about yesterday
Remembering I’m pretending to be where I’m not anymore
A little taste of hypocrisy
Like him I feel as though I have awoken to a dream. Looking back where I have come and where I am it feels as though I have lived in 2 totally different worlds. In one world I was looked upon as a loser, where one was totally picked on for any and everything just because one is looked at and that is what I feel Chester Bennington and I went through in one life and the other I am treated with so much more respect and adored for simply being open to who I am and not hold anything back at all. It is as though people are like magnets being drawn to both of us because we are so authentic and showing authenticity and that is because we are no longer pretending to be someone we are not but being real. Showing realness is what people simply want and that is why they are being drawn to us.
And I’m left in the wake of the mistake, slow to react
So even though you’re so close to me
You’re still so distant and I can’t bring you back
When living that old life where I was trying to be someone I was not, one that tried so very hard to being a male though deep in the pit of my stomach I knew that I was truly a woman which is why I had such a hard life. That old life though I had close friends I kept them at a arm's length away being so afraid that they may find out the real me and then I would lose them. Now that I am truly being who I am so meant to me is though I am out stretching my hands out to those that I have known for a very long time and reaching out to them and bringing them not only back but so much closer. As I am writing this post I am getting so emotional as the tears are simply flowing like a stream at a beautiful park. It is because I am taking a look back where I have come from to where I am now residing and it is a very beautiful thing. I have not been even at my current place of employment and already making great friendships and this one Student Supervisor of mine at the SPEA building on the Indiana University for RPS as the Head Cashier, Sam Dellinger she gave me her old iPod 4 free of charge and she even invited me to an end of the semester office party at her place of which I went and had a great time with my coworkers. Thinking of where I am simply has me in total aww and I feel Chester Bennington feels the same way seeing that him and his band is so damn popular and making so much money that he like me has to pinch himself to see if he is dreaming. I know I for one have to pinch myself to see if I am not dreaming because unlike earlier this year I am no longer struggling with my own life and even quite the opposite as I feel like I am living a charmed life for sure.
[Bridge:]
It’s true the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you’re not with me
[Chorus:]
(I’m with you)
You
Now I see keeping everything inside
(with you)
You
Now I see
Even when I close my eyes
(with you)
You
Now I see keeping everything inside
(with you)
You
Now I see even when I close my eyes
I hit you and you hit me back
We fall to the floor, the rest of the day stands still
Fine line between this and that
When things go wrong I pretend the past isn’t real
Now I'm trapped in this memory
And I’m left in the wake of the mistake, slow to react
So even though you’re close to me
You’re still so distant and I can’t bring you back
[Bridge]
[Chorus]
No, no matter how far we've come
I can't wait to see tomorrow
No matter how far we've come, I
I can't wait to see tomorrow
[Chorus:]
(with you)
You
Now I see keeping everything inside
(with you)
You
Now I see even when I close my eyes
(with you)
You
Now I see keeping everything inside
(with you)
You
Now I see even when I close my eyes
So anyways I will update you all with how my life is going when there is some. For those that are struggling with their of being homeless, losing their family's support for being a transsexual remember to look of all that you have kept and gained instead of what all you have lost. I did that and that kept me from living a charmed life like I am living now and now not only has my faith in God and Jesus been restored it is soaring to much higher heights than ever before like the days of my old life. My friends, that is my true friends have stuck by my side and even a small number of family stayed with me and I have a roof over my head which gave me stability and with only a short time I found a job that I truly love and protects transsexuals such as myself. I have a full-time contract job that guarantees me full time hrs with benefits and off 13 weeks a year being paid $10.79/Hr. Indiana University is such a great place to work with a policy in place that protects the trans community from discrimination. I get called Sara though my legal name is still Gary and get referred to my female pronouns and even use the women's restroom without any reservation. My customer base which by the way consists of students and faculty have had no problems with me and my gender identity and my coworkers simply love and adore me. If I can bounce back on my feet and have this great life any other transsexual can have the same fabulous results with a little bit of luck. Have a great weekend and a fabulous Merry Christmas and for those know of anyone that is without anyone to celebrate please extend them a hand and shoulder to cry on if need be. No one deserves to be alone for Christmas in the name of bigotry. Love you all so very much my loyal followers.
-Sara Ashley Cole
I woke up in a dream today
To the cold of the static and put my cold feet on the floor
Forgot all about yesterday
Remembering I’m pretending to be where I’m not anymore
A little taste of hypocrisy
Like him I feel as though I have awoken to a dream. Looking back where I have come and where I am it feels as though I have lived in 2 totally different worlds. In one world I was looked upon as a loser, where one was totally picked on for any and everything just because one is looked at and that is what I feel Chester Bennington and I went through in one life and the other I am treated with so much more respect and adored for simply being open to who I am and not hold anything back at all. It is as though people are like magnets being drawn to both of us because we are so authentic and showing authenticity and that is because we are no longer pretending to be someone we are not but being real. Showing realness is what people simply want and that is why they are being drawn to us.
And I’m left in the wake of the mistake, slow to react
So even though you’re so close to me
You’re still so distant and I can’t bring you back
When living that old life where I was trying to be someone I was not, one that tried so very hard to being a male though deep in the pit of my stomach I knew that I was truly a woman which is why I had such a hard life. That old life though I had close friends I kept them at a arm's length away being so afraid that they may find out the real me and then I would lose them. Now that I am truly being who I am so meant to me is though I am out stretching my hands out to those that I have known for a very long time and reaching out to them and bringing them not only back but so much closer. As I am writing this post I am getting so emotional as the tears are simply flowing like a stream at a beautiful park. It is because I am taking a look back where I have come from to where I am now residing and it is a very beautiful thing. I have not been even at my current place of employment and already making great friendships and this one Student Supervisor of mine at the SPEA building on the Indiana University for RPS as the Head Cashier, Sam Dellinger she gave me her old iPod 4 free of charge and she even invited me to an end of the semester office party at her place of which I went and had a great time with my coworkers. Thinking of where I am simply has me in total aww and I feel Chester Bennington feels the same way seeing that him and his band is so damn popular and making so much money that he like me has to pinch himself to see if he is dreaming. I know I for one have to pinch myself to see if I am not dreaming because unlike earlier this year I am no longer struggling with my own life and even quite the opposite as I feel like I am living a charmed life for sure.
[Bridge:]
It’s true the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you’re not with me
[Chorus:]
(I’m with you)
You
Now I see keeping everything inside
(with you)
You
Now I see
Even when I close my eyes
(with you)
You
Now I see keeping everything inside
(with you)
You
Now I see even when I close my eyes
I hit you and you hit me back
We fall to the floor, the rest of the day stands still
Fine line between this and that
When things go wrong I pretend the past isn’t real
Now I'm trapped in this memory
And I’m left in the wake of the mistake, slow to react
So even though you’re close to me
You’re still so distant and I can’t bring you back
[Bridge]
[Chorus]
No, no matter how far we've come
I can't wait to see tomorrow
No matter how far we've come, I
I can't wait to see tomorrow
[Chorus:]
(with you)
You
Now I see keeping everything inside
(with you)
You
Now I see even when I close my eyes
(with you)
You
Now I see keeping everything inside
(with you)
You
Now I see even when I close my eyes
So anyways I will update you all with how my life is going when there is some. For those that are struggling with their of being homeless, losing their family's support for being a transsexual remember to look of all that you have kept and gained instead of what all you have lost. I did that and that kept me from living a charmed life like I am living now and now not only has my faith in God and Jesus been restored it is soaring to much higher heights than ever before like the days of my old life. My friends, that is my true friends have stuck by my side and even a small number of family stayed with me and I have a roof over my head which gave me stability and with only a short time I found a job that I truly love and protects transsexuals such as myself. I have a full-time contract job that guarantees me full time hrs with benefits and off 13 weeks a year being paid $10.79/Hr. Indiana University is such a great place to work with a policy in place that protects the trans community from discrimination. I get called Sara though my legal name is still Gary and get referred to my female pronouns and even use the women's restroom without any reservation. My customer base which by the way consists of students and faculty have had no problems with me and my gender identity and my coworkers simply love and adore me. If I can bounce back on my feet and have this great life any other transsexual can have the same fabulous results with a little bit of luck. Have a great weekend and a fabulous Merry Christmas and for those know of anyone that is without anyone to celebrate please extend them a hand and shoulder to cry on if need be. No one deserves to be alone for Christmas in the name of bigotry. Love you all so very much my loyal followers.
-Sara Ashley Cole
'Who made them judge?"
I am fucking sick of the shit that Fundamentalists say about transsexuals. They use Deuteronomy 22 :5 because they got it stuck in their fucking messed up heads that it is all about clothes. What about those of them that so-call crossdress on Halloween or perform theater and wear stage makeup and even may play the gender role opposite of their so-call biological sex? Hmm... They only go after transsexual females because we are wearing dresses, skirts, tops, makeup, nail polish, heels, flats, any other female ways of presenting of our self-identified genders but do not go after transsexual males for the most part because the male role is so worshiped and adored so they see them as an upgrade to a better class but we transsexual females are a downgrade in society and plus we stick out as the transsexual males tend to blend in. By looking at us like the way they do makes them the Fundamental Christians hypocrites. Matthew 7 states to not judge or the way that you judge is the way that you will be judged and it further states in Matthew 7 verse 5 : "You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." But they clearly ignore that as though it has been ripped out of their precious bibles. They preach at their church to not judge but fail to put that into practice. They are just so uncomfortable being around someone who is comfortable in their own skin because they are not able to be authentic. Showing authenticity makes them quite a bit uneasy so they squirm. They are so quick to put us back into our boxes that society placed us in the first place. Instead, why don't they come out of the closet like many have done before them? Hmmm. I know they are most likely in the closet because I once upon a time acted like them and finally figured out that is why I was so abrupt to judge them because deep down inside I knew I was one of them and blamed them for being like them. These days I am quick to acknowledge me being both apart of the LGBT and Trans Communities and so out and proud. Have a great week ya'll.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"living the dream"
Like I promised you all I would make a bigger update to the previous post here. Things are falling into place where I work and simply feels so marvelous. Though I still have my legal birth name the majority of my records reflect who I am deep inside meaning they have my chosen name to reflect my trans status. I have my highest pay rate that I have ever had and work full time and full benefits and even have my highest job title that I have ever held. I am a Head Cashier which means that I am on the bottom of the totem pole of lower management which I was never able to achieve when I was living a lie. Just found out that even in the email address book at Indiana University that I am under my chosen name, Sara Ashley Cole and not my legal birth name Gary Coldiron, Jr. though I have not yet changed my name legally. I am where I am supposed to be at this point in time and my mission is clearly set. I am supposed to educate them on the matters of the trans community as I was hired on the ground floor of them working on the trans issues. I have been there less than a month and already making friends real fast and been invited to my 1st college party as the girl that I am though I am out of college by a long shot and yet. The girls treat me like one of them and that feels so damn great so great that I even have to pinch myself to see if I am dreaming. I feel completely at ease so much that I have told them that I am going to be starting HRT sometime early next year and warned them that I will be adjusting to hormones and will take some time to adjust and they completely understand as much as they can and welcome me into the fold just like any other person. The customers whether they are staff or students are completely open-minded which means I will do everything in my power to keep the job.
Now I know this part has nothing to do with this post but I finally made my decision on when I would have knee replacement surgery which I choose to be some time after my SRS since I will be off my feet anyways for awhile so it only makes sense anyways. You see I tore my ACL over 7 years ago and yet to have it repaired all these years and never knew how or when I would have the procedure. I have to have the procedure anyways because when I was still living my life or should I say living a lie when trying so desperately trying to live my life as how everyone saw fit. Back then I was simply a people pleaser doing anything to gain their approval especially my parents. By being their so-called son I was trying to gain their love, their approval in return for their love and yet it failed. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks because I was basing my whole life on a lie which lead to my depression, anger, misery and would have been bullied either way so I should have been myself all along. I have gained much more than I have lost and that feels so damn great too. Never ever try to please anyone else because that in the end makes you miserable. In the end of the day it is your life not theirs so live it to the fullest. You only have one life so live it to the fullest as possible. All those people that reject the trans community have an inner battle or demons that they are trying to fight. I would know because before I came out I hated on the LGBT and trans communities because I simply hated myself. Ever since coming out I have opened a whole new world to me that I non the less would not have had access to.
My advice to anyone out there that is straight and cisgender when you meet a transsexual or someone that is gay, bi, lesbian or whatever else is to get to know them as a person first and do not judge. We are all humans 1st and foremost. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Please do not try and try and change us and use the bible as a weapon because it simply was written by men and to the contrary it was not God-Inspired. They put their opinions on how one should live their lives. They only want to live your life to their standards not God's. God, she is all about love and so is her son, Jesus Christ. Jesus came to the world to set the oppressed free which today is the LGBT and Trans Communities. So it is high time to set all the oppressed free and yes that also means time to make all free and equal. Black lives do matter and it is time for the police to stop oppressing African Americans and throwing them away by murder. It is not their paid job to go around and murder the African Americans and it is time for justice. Make the police accountable and send their asses to prison for murder. They should be held to a higher standard than your average citizen. Their job is to protect and to serve not go around and murder as though they are above the law. Stop the hatred every where and show kindness and compassion to those who are not the majority. I implore all to invite someone to spend Christmas with you who have been disowned by their families whether it be for being LGBT or trans or for whatever reason. Tis the season to be loving not hating. Amen!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
Now I know this part has nothing to do with this post but I finally made my decision on when I would have knee replacement surgery which I choose to be some time after my SRS since I will be off my feet anyways for awhile so it only makes sense anyways. You see I tore my ACL over 7 years ago and yet to have it repaired all these years and never knew how or when I would have the procedure. I have to have the procedure anyways because when I was still living my life or should I say living a lie when trying so desperately trying to live my life as how everyone saw fit. Back then I was simply a people pleaser doing anything to gain their approval especially my parents. By being their so-called son I was trying to gain their love, their approval in return for their love and yet it failed. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks because I was basing my whole life on a lie which lead to my depression, anger, misery and would have been bullied either way so I should have been myself all along. I have gained much more than I have lost and that feels so damn great too. Never ever try to please anyone else because that in the end makes you miserable. In the end of the day it is your life not theirs so live it to the fullest. You only have one life so live it to the fullest as possible. All those people that reject the trans community have an inner battle or demons that they are trying to fight. I would know because before I came out I hated on the LGBT and trans communities because I simply hated myself. Ever since coming out I have opened a whole new world to me that I non the less would not have had access to.
My advice to anyone out there that is straight and cisgender when you meet a transsexual or someone that is gay, bi, lesbian or whatever else is to get to know them as a person first and do not judge. We are all humans 1st and foremost. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Please do not try and try and change us and use the bible as a weapon because it simply was written by men and to the contrary it was not God-Inspired. They put their opinions on how one should live their lives. They only want to live your life to their standards not God's. God, she is all about love and so is her son, Jesus Christ. Jesus came to the world to set the oppressed free which today is the LGBT and Trans Communities. So it is high time to set all the oppressed free and yes that also means time to make all free and equal. Black lives do matter and it is time for the police to stop oppressing African Americans and throwing them away by murder. It is not their paid job to go around and murder the African Americans and it is time for justice. Make the police accountable and send their asses to prison for murder. They should be held to a higher standard than your average citizen. Their job is to protect and to serve not go around and murder as though they are above the law. Stop the hatred every where and show kindness and compassion to those who are not the majority. I implore all to invite someone to spend Christmas with you who have been disowned by their families whether it be for being LGBT or trans or for whatever reason. Tis the season to be loving not hating. Amen!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
"working girl"
Sorry that I have not been on here in a little while I have been one busy girl and extremely wiped. I have been working now for three days going through my training and have not been cleared as of yet to start my training as Head Cashier. I have been to one class on how to work the cashier screen on computer but not officially in the system to get email and so have not received the links to my tests that I need to take one I know is dealing with identity theft being that I will be working with credit cards. I will be working cash soon but in the mean time I am stocking and cleaning in one place and another making sandwiches in the deli and making coffee along with stocking and cleaning. I have not been working a whole lot till now. I had up until this week worked for less than a month the last two years so that is a whole lot of reason with me being tired for the most part as I am now working full days as I am working full time these days.
I have been going by Sara by my coworkers and management team and even being referred to in the female pronouns too. Now in the official paperwork eventually that will change when my legal name gets changed which will only be for a short while. I have even let my coworkers and management team let them know that once I am on HRT that there will be changes emotionally so they are well known by that. Your average people out there do not know like we the trans community of what we all go through and have been educating people already all the info they lack which is my calling. It feels extremely rewarding to finally have my life back on track having a place to live and place to be gainfully employed and will feel even greater once I receive my 1st paycheck. Will give a bigger update this weekend sometime as I have a limited time to write this as I work in little over an hr from this post. Have a fabulous rest of the week and weekend!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole (Employed Trans girl)
I have been going by Sara by my coworkers and management team and even being referred to in the female pronouns too. Now in the official paperwork eventually that will change when my legal name gets changed which will only be for a short while. I have even let my coworkers and management team let them know that once I am on HRT that there will be changes emotionally so they are well known by that. Your average people out there do not know like we the trans community of what we all go through and have been educating people already all the info they lack which is my calling. It feels extremely rewarding to finally have my life back on track having a place to live and place to be gainfully employed and will feel even greater once I receive my 1st paycheck. Will give a bigger update this weekend sometime as I have a limited time to write this as I work in little over an hr from this post. Have a fabulous rest of the week and weekend!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole (Employed Trans girl)
"god working through sara"
For all of my life I had been wondering my purpose was and my identity. It seemed that whenever I was looking into the mirror I didn't know who was looking back at me. It didn't appear that I knew the person that I was looking at. I have had to experience life through another person's lenses and that person was the male that I thought I was and trying so desperately to be. Being the person that the person that the world thought and saw me as lead to my depression which in turn led to me being miserable which lead me to being angry. I could either look back at my life thus far and continue on a path of destruction or just accept it as part of my journey. I choose to accept the latter. Being that the male that I thought I was and all of the experiences are simply part of my journey just like I had accepted that I am a transsexual female. By looking back at my journey the whole journey and now see the whole picture well at least the part that God has revealed to me. Me being homeless was a purpose that I had to experience to see 1st-hand what needed to be changed for the homeless transsexual of which I that is still being worked out which is because of me. The Interfaith Winter Shelter changed by simply giving the guests an option if they do not like where I am being housed they could either accept and stay or leave if they do not agree where I stayed. Walking by Boxcar Books Friday night before and after the lighting the holiday lights a traditional held in Bloomington, Indiana I saw the sign urging Martha's House, a homeless shelter to change their policy dealing with the homeless transsexuals when a trans ally of mine, Sam Harrell after I told my story to her them having me stay on the side of the shelter of my biological sex since I had not had SRS as they put it so that is a work in progress but I am the one that brought that flaw to the light and without me experiencing homelessness that would not have been made known and that was because that was simply part of God's Divine plan that she worked through me as her instrument. Indiana University where I was eventually to be employed if I had not been kicked out of the public library for a week of which I didn't go back until I had to go back because of my anger to how they treated me when the people that caused me to respond. By being kicked out of the library I went to Indiana Memorial Union on the Indiana University building as the girl that I am and by going there for all the time that I went there I got the field experience and comfort to be who I am. By walking one day by the building on the Indiana University campus I didn't just walk by the Popular's Building where the HR is located by chance because it was simply in God's design for my life. If it was up to me and followed myself and not God I would simply walk past and not even stop by of which I did anyways. But God got my attention and turned back around and walked inside. I would not have walked back and go inside because before coming out I got a black mark on my record when living as Gary by jealous coworker had lied on me saying that I sexually assaulted one of them which wasn't true but even that was part of the plan. But anyways I walked in and talked to the ladies in the HR Department and told them of my story of what happened and why and they told me that I can sign up online a new profile and try and look for jobs and apply for jobs that I feel that I can do and if I get an opportunity just tell them what I told these ladies and I should be fine of which I found a job that I would apply for after setting up my profile and got the phone call that I needed for an interview. I had applied for a job that I thought I could possibly do but had doubts because I had never been a Head Cashier of which that was the position that I had decided to apply for since it wouldn't hurt to try. In the mean time before I had seen this job or created my profile or even walked into the HR to see them I had been to Gender Warriors a support group for trans in the community and learned that Indiana University which I had known to be a LGB friendly campus and currently working on the "T" in LGBT and me being made known long ago by God that I was to be a leader in the Trans Community and yet still wondered how exactly I fit into her plans for this but now I know as I am suppose to be the one to assist with this transition for Indiana University and simply give them a face for the trans community and lead a change that is currently in the works so I can give them feedback if need be and educate those very students, staff all they can know about the trans community and normalize the trans community for all us and them.
Looking back on this and just how it has unfolded has me in complete and utter awe what she had in store for me all along. By having faith in her and trusting her leading me along this path has my faith which had been at an all-time high growing all the more. My journey has had many quirks and turns along the way and now seeing it how it has all unfolded I am now more energized more than ever and know that God is not done yet and my journey to being the girl that I have been all along is no where close to being complete but I am so very excited to see it all play out. I feel like a girl at Christmas waiting for the day I unwrap all of my gifts and await with anticipation. Will let you know of my updates of my journey. Have an amazing and fabulous week and Jesus is the reason fr the season. Happy Holidays!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
Looking back on this and just how it has unfolded has me in complete and utter awe what she had in store for me all along. By having faith in her and trusting her leading me along this path has my faith which had been at an all-time high growing all the more. My journey has had many quirks and turns along the way and now seeing it how it has all unfolded I am now more energized more than ever and know that God is not done yet and my journey to being the girl that I have been all along is no where close to being complete but I am so very excited to see it all play out. I feel like a girl at Christmas waiting for the day I unwrap all of my gifts and await with anticipation. Will let you know of my updates of my journey. Have an amazing and fabulous week and Jesus is the reason fr the season. Happy Holidays!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
"So grateful and thankful"
Like any other person I am reflecting what to be thankful this year at Thanksgiving. Well...I got a whole lot to be thankful and I would say more than ever before. As I rung in the New Year having no family support and being homeless, had my car stolen and lost 2 jobs well I got a lot of that back. I got some family members in my corner supporting me and my transition. I found a place to live and now a job of which I am starting back next week. I have found so many new friends both locally and online that are also supporting me. I have not one, not two but three LGBT inclusive churches that accept me for who I am and all the way. Life couldn't be even better than what I have now. I am in complete love for my life that I have. Being homeless and transsexual who is transitioning is not good at all but I survived. Being homeless and transitioning is not easy and the numbers are staggering on just how many of us do not survive and to say that I not only survived but thrived is simply amazing. It wasn't without the many people in my life that simply love me and prayed for me and my safety are what kept me alive. Then to find a place that simply gave me stability that I needed so I can find a job. I have lived at over 2 months in my new apartment when I landed my job. When I received my letter from my father after he disowned me stating when I needed as he put it my liberal weirdo friends would desert me and while some did the only one to abandon me is my own flesh and blood. I am so appreciative of all the love that I have been shown. Each day that I have been after learning of my finding work has lead me to cry each and every day but those are tears of great joy and those kinda tears are always welcome. I will do everything in my power to keep this job because I put in a whole lotta hard work to land it and they will have to pry it away from my cold hard dead hands. Thank you God and Jesus for being there for me and helping me land this job I so appreciate it so very much. Love and peace to all those who have no where to celebrate Thanksgiving with. I am thankful that I have some where to go and celebrate Thanksgiving with as I am going the night before to stay with a friend since the buses will not be running the day of Thanksgiving and spend the night with her and the next morning her and I will be picked up by her friends and celebrate with them.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"Sara's climb back 2 the top"
2014 for the most part has been a really forgettable year for me. It all started with me starting ringing in the New Year w/o family in my life all because of me transitioning because apparently to them it is a shame to have their so-called "son" living her life as the girl that she truly is. I have never truly identified as a male but female. I then since I didn't have them to assist me when times got rough financially so that led to me being homeless. Being homeless led to having no where that is mine to lay my head down to sleep. So I had to live in Martha's House a homeless shelter, one that made me stay in the men's side due to that I haven't yet had SRS so I had to live in what they said was my biological sex and didn't stay there long because I was having a hard time due to all the acquisitions of saying I was checking out the men which wasn't even true. So I left to live with someone that I had met there that went back to her boyfriend in another county and that didn't last long because they ended up stealing my car and thank God it was in the county that I lived anyways so since I left that Martha's House I had to do another shelter and that was the Interfaith Winter Shelter which that didn't last long because I felt uneasy there too though this time I was allowed to stay on the women's side. By staying on the women's side that made the women uneasy thinking I would do things to them like peak on them and possibly even worse like raping them of which I have never done in my life. Then the men had trouble like asking why does HE get to stay with the women when we can't even stay with out girlfriend or wife? So me and my Senior Pastor made an arrangement to stay with someone in the LGBT Community where I would stay for a short while and then stayed with a modern commune where I loved the idea of a little community taking care of one another so that is why I am now a Socialist. But anyways I then bounced around some more eventually back to the Interfaith Winter shelter though I really didn't want to but did anyways being they now gave the guests the option if they didn't like my arrangement they either can accept or leave. I stayed with friends for a little while after that and eventually slept outside in a tent after my stay for the ER with me having thoughts of suicide which doing that simply got me through a really tough period and eventually led me to some stability into my life when I officially made it to the top of the list and granted Section 8 Housing so then I had to look for a place and made the calls till I finally found a place to live and so the moving period. I even got a voucher and have acquired furniture for my apartment and it now feels like home and even more it gave me even more stability which I need very bad. With stability back it also meant to start looking for work and with months of here and there looking for work it finally has paid off and found a job this week.
I am starting my new position at Indiana University RPS Dining Services as Head Cashier December 1st. I am a contract employee which in their terms means I am an Appointed Employee with my hours being guaranteed 40 hrs a week with 13 weeks a year off and being paid $10.79/Hr and full benefits. With the year started out bad and hitting rock bottom and things not looking good for my future it look all bleak and now the year ends with a BANG. IT I can do it then anyone can. Never ever give up and keep your feet to the ground and keep reaching for the stars as Kasey Kasem would always state on the radio. That is a quote that everyone should live by when your life seems to be going no where. Love you all and have an amazing and fabulous weekend! Tonight going to celebrate my good fortunes with 2 friends of mine watching a local band tonight "The 123s." Looking forward to a good time to celebrate what a good life I now lead. -Sara Ashley Cole |
"a life time of shame"
As we approach yet another TDOR (Trans Day of Remembrance) I think about my journey into womanhood. But I start at the very early stages of my life. Hi. I my name is Sara Ashley Cole and I am a MTF Pre Op Transsexual bisexual which are the labels that I assign to myself. But I hate when people place their labels on me especially, Shemale, He/She, Sinner which places judgment on me and tosses me aside. Legally I may go by Gary Lynn Coldiron, Jr. but that is only legally as I am very detached from that name and that identity. Now that may hurt and it does just not the degree of which my own family, well my father did to me. You see I was raised in a very typical Christian Conservative Fundamentalist home which teaches to live ones life a traditional one. Living a traditional life one is taught that there is male and female and one day you are suppose to marry someone that is the opposite of you. So if one is male then you marry female and vice versa. Anyone that goes outside those boxes is destined for the very gates of hell which I feel is so judgmental and yet hell to me doesn't exist very much like the North Pole. These places are both fictional and do not exist but are both taught to young children. The difference is that when one reaches a certain age you are taught the North Pole doesn't really contain a character Santa Clause but the other you are continued in being taught that Satan inhibits Hell or one day will when the end of the age comes. If you look both Santa and Satan have the same letters in the name and both wear red suits but the latter has horns and carries a pitchfork. The latter is supposed to scare you into living a life that the so-called "Christian World" want you to live. They use the sermons like the one back even into the 80's commonly referred to the "Hell and Brimstone Sermons" the ones that my own father hated hearing growing up. We'll get back to that later. OK? Anyways for all of my life I had this feeling that I was different but just didn't have the vocabulary to which I was feeling because I was living an extremely sheltered life. Anything that had anything to do with the LGBT life was considered and evil and that one was going to hell if they live an active life in the LGBT. You had to live a life like they talked about in the bible. Living in a married life for me I had to be married to a woman because I am a man to them and have children. To them I am a man because of my XY Chromosomes and testosterone that made a man and nothing else can ever possible determine my sex at all. To them that made me a man and that I can't change it and that is what I had heard of all of my life. They may have not said it in those exact words but their actions sure did. At an early age in my life I wanted when I saw the catalogs for Christmas I saw on their toys that I wanted and oh how I wanted them. I saw Barbies, My Little Ponies, Rainbow Bright to mention a few and wanted and wanted them very badly. But I knew that I couldn't possibly ask for them because my own father would tell me that they are for girls and you are a boy. I very badly wanted to yell out loud: "I'm a girl you damn moron." But if I had done that I would have been taken to the Psychologist if I had insisted upon saying that I am a girl of which I would have done for sure. He would have had me see a Christian one at that to fix me so I could live a "Normal Life." It was because he would have thought I am possessed by the devil and following for his traps to get me to drop my faith in God and all that is in religion. I was able to put that away from me so I wouldn't have to go through that shit and I mean shit. I was able to lead what seemed a "Normal Life." But that would change in my High School years. In my Junior yeah I found these two dresses and to this day I am not sure how they got there. Being that there was ample space in closets any where in the house but yet they were in my closet. So I swiftly closed and locked the door and quickly changed out of my male clothing and into those dresses one at a time and loved them but that was short-lived because I quickly got changed out of them and put that away for many years to come. Being that if I had been caught by my father I would have been in trouble and been taken to see a Psychologist one that is Christian so He can "fix" me because this went against my upbringing. So I choose to live my life the way they wanted me to because I being a natural people pleaser that I am a want to please people so very badly. But being a people pleaser gave me some very bad feelings eventually which lead to my being frustrated, miserable, depressed and even angry. I was since the days of my Elementary days to this day being bullied and didn't know what lead to these feelings and these actions till one day. I will get to that later too. I was able to live what had seemed a "normal life" but underneath it all those feelings I had earlier in life were starting to rear their ugly heads but this time I would crossdress as I would once upon a time call it and slowly progressed into that life and lie. I bought a dress and my 1st pair of heels, even a purse some makeup, nail polish and wig so I can look female but only for my privacy of my apartment. For a whole month I bought that very lie but it all hit the wall and I came out to myself by uttering the very words: "I am a girl." With those very words a blood curling scream and anger came out as I cried for hours. I knew with that I would have to eventually come out to my parents and knew the consequences of that too. I even made an attempt on my life because of all this angst shortly after all of this. But at this time I didn't have to come out to them. I had awhile because I had to learn what my clothing style was and work on my makeup and nail polish being that I didn't get the chance to learn like your Cisgendered females from their own moms because that would have been forbidden in my household that I grew up in.One day went to the local GLBT Support Offices at Indiana University after I had come out a few months prior to my childhood friend, Sammy Hastings who is gay and now lives in San Francisco. At the GLBT Support Office I met a nice lady that Sammy told me about Carol Fischer. Carol is an older lady than me that came out when probably I was not even born yet as a lesbian but anyways she told me about a place called Rachael's Cafe. Rachael's Cafe is owned by a local transsexual, Rachael Jones. Rachael and I had met and talked for a few hours and she told me "Life's an amazing journey." What profound words that I heard and they ring so true too. When I met her I was in what we in the trans world refer to as "Boy Mode." Those few hours that her and I had talked she did what my friends on FB had been trying to do which is get me to be true to myself and the very next day it finally happened. I made my 1st appearance in the world as my authentic self at Rachael's Cafe and to Rachael's shock I was finally out as the woman that I was meant to be all along and how beautiful it felt mixed with nervousness because I was now exposed. I remember being covered with sweat and being all nervous for the drive out from my apartment to her establishment and not giving much eye contact with the fear of being found out just like when I 1st went to the GLBT Center. I didn't want people who I had known for a very long time to find out and out me to my family. If anyone was to out me that was my job and I wasn't ready just yet. Now that I look back that 1st year it was really an amazing journey that I was on like Rachael once quoted to me. Being true to myself I was no longer drowning but now living. A whole new world has opened up to me and one of the newest members of the LGBT and Trans communities. People who I once judged now opened their arms to me and welcome me home to where I truly felt at home for the very 1st time. I have met so many wonderful and fabulous people locally and from afar and they just simply love me. The love that has been shown to me is simply marvelous. I feel as though I am truly living and even though I have experienced some terrible times like homelessness, having my car stolen, losing my family, well most of them washing their hands of me, losing not one but 2 jobs, being evicted that led to me being homeless, bouncing from shelter to shelter between friends' places and living on the streets and now to my own place like is simply amazing. God has lead me to an abundant life. Having a friend from my old church who accepts me for who I am led me to an Associate Pastor at the church she works at that paid for me to attend an Open, Welcoming, and Affirming conference that eventually led to me finding a new church home. By finding a new church home that led me to finding not another one but 2 more that accept me as I am and I feeling genuinely blessed. I have some amazing friends in my life that truly love me for who I am and even 3 members of my family I talk to regularly on FB and even some of my friends that I had at my old church that are still there or moved on to different churches even they accept me. I am truly blessed. The times that I start to doubt my journey God simply dumps more evidence on my lap proving to me that I am doing the right thing and I continue to move in that direction being surrounded with true love which is loving someone without any strings attached which is my definition of unconditional love.
But back to the "hell and Brimstone sermons"the ones that my own father hated he now used on me after coming out. He used those very sermons that he hates on me which makes him a hypocrite and all to change my mind on transitioning to the girl that I am truly. To change someone after telling them that you love them truly says quite the opposite. My feelings of being frustrated, miserable depressed and even angry and bullied were all evidence of me living a lie but yet people out there knew before I knew that I was different very much so. I found out that was simply because I hated who I was being which is because that I was lying. I had to wake up and realize who I truly was meant to be and God told me what my purpose in life is. I wondered for many years just what my purpose in life was now I know which is to be the voice for the trans community and educate the masses and drive home here in Indiana, a gift to all my LGBT friends and family, Marriage Equality. The greatest gift that one can give to the community to which they were lead to believe that is the enemy of God which I know wasn't true so giving this gift makes up for all the pain that I once upon gave them. Hating on the LGBT Community for most of my life was because I simply hated myself for being just like them and didn't have the courage to show that to myself so I showed to them. Feels good that I gave the a gift back for showing their love to me. I didn't and still don't deserve all the love that they have shown me but feels great receiving their mercy. Thank you all for letting me share my story with you all. Love ya'll from the very depths of my soul and from the very bottom of my heart. Thank you for accepting me into your family. You are my chosen family and I would die for you all to save your life.
-Sara Ashley Cole
But back to the "hell and Brimstone sermons"the ones that my own father hated he now used on me after coming out. He used those very sermons that he hates on me which makes him a hypocrite and all to change my mind on transitioning to the girl that I am truly. To change someone after telling them that you love them truly says quite the opposite. My feelings of being frustrated, miserable depressed and even angry and bullied were all evidence of me living a lie but yet people out there knew before I knew that I was different very much so. I found out that was simply because I hated who I was being which is because that I was lying. I had to wake up and realize who I truly was meant to be and God told me what my purpose in life is. I wondered for many years just what my purpose in life was now I know which is to be the voice for the trans community and educate the masses and drive home here in Indiana, a gift to all my LGBT friends and family, Marriage Equality. The greatest gift that one can give to the community to which they were lead to believe that is the enemy of God which I know wasn't true so giving this gift makes up for all the pain that I once upon gave them. Hating on the LGBT Community for most of my life was because I simply hated myself for being just like them and didn't have the courage to show that to myself so I showed to them. Feels good that I gave the a gift back for showing their love to me. I didn't and still don't deserve all the love that they have shown me but feels great receiving their mercy. Thank you all for letting me share my story with you all. Love ya'll from the very depths of my soul and from the very bottom of my heart. Thank you for accepting me into your family. You are my chosen family and I would die for you all to save your life.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"Oh 4 the sake of christianity"
I would have to say the title speaks for itself so I would say buyer be ware if this could possibly offend you by any chance. Today I came out with a quote that this will cover what I am talking about here as it does well on its' own but with a story at the end to tie it all in a little bow. OK...Here it goes...
"A true community of believers of both Christ and God love knows no end. True love is loving someone without any strings attached. To love is divine and seeks God what she is all about. To love someone all the way just proves you know God and her son, Jesus Christ. To be truly like that of Christ is to love people for who they are and not love them for who they are not. Today Christianity as the world sees it has become blemished with those who call them self Christian and yet reject someone who doesn't think like them or live their life like them and that is why I reject Christianity and being called a Christian. Why would I want that little moniker? That is why I am a Progressive Christian, a true follower of Christ who follows his mother, God." -Sara Ashley Cole (Excerpt to FB Status update/quote.
When doing some contemplation on my life or as in this case my journey transitioning to my true gender that I have always felt but hid most of my life this quote came to mind. Ever since coming out it has freed the creative mind that I have been blessed by God, HERSELF. Holding a HUGE part of me also held back my creativity to where it didn't look like I had any at all and that was because God was waiting for me to come out and express my true self to the world and show you all the beautiful creation that SHE created and the purpose that SHE had in store for me and my life. Showing authenticity to the world puts a face to the trans community for all the world to see. By having myself on full display it gives the world an example to what we go through in life. Now we do have Janet Mock, Laverne Cox, Laura Jane Grace and Chaz Bono but who is likely to meet them in the flesh and have enough time to ask all the questions what it is like transitioning and all the challenges in this life but I am more of an every day life kinda transsexual that most will have much more access to that I can share with them more personally and not cost a dime to talk to at all. Now I am not saying that I am better than they are or less than they are just saying I am more accessible at their convenience in comparison than they are too.
Now I had a encounter today of which I am still feeling the after affects that makes me so very uncomfortable. Before coming out as the girl that I am there are people that I associated before coming out and being authentic for the world to see which there are some that make me feel so uncomfortable being around which makes the above quote easier to understand where I am coming from when I came up with it. Before coming out I went to a fundamentalist church called North Central Church of Christ which had one of the ministers there named Pat Arthur and while he is a very nice man he has been taught the Church of Christ Doctrine that I do not agree with at all and that kind of church left me a bad taste in my mouth more than the smell of onions on someone's breath but all the more worse. It still lingers with me to this day though it has been over a year since I last attended that church. In fact it was July I believe the next to last week last year that I was last there and even done video for them but I left that church before they could kick me out for according to them living a life contrary to what they say according to the bible teaches about. They are so anti-LGBT that I knew that I couldn't stay there any longer and that I had to be who I was meant to be and full time. At the time that I was still attending there I was living as myself true to myself part time but wouldn't have the authentic me there for the fear of being thrown out or worse go to the preacher's office and be told to come back to have a little private chat as they would call it an appointment to have counseling in what they see me as living a sinful life. Who are they to even judge me at all? They have no clue or even authority to throw me out of God's House. But anyways back to the event that made me feel so uncomfortable. I went to lunch as per usual for a typical after church activity with some friends from church at I consider to me more than friends as they are now my family. They are chosen family like people have told me about. When I heard that there is blood family and then there is chosen family and had no clue what they were talking about back then now I understand more completely. They act like families should and love me unconditionally. To me true love is loving someone with no strings attached that is what true love is for me. Anyways Pat Arthur the one that I spoke of earlier he is one those people that I didn't really want to talk to because of my comfort level with him is low because of my fear that he might judge me but yet he didn't but still made me feel uneasy because he referred to me as the legal name that I still go by but only in legal situations till I change it legally. Hearing me being referred to as Gary hurts because I am so detached from that name from my old life that I was still in the closet. He was and still is one of my Facebook friends on my old account and I would have taught that he had seen me come out and see that I go by a new name but still got called Gary. So that simply fuels into my Gender Dysphoria and so my heart is still racing when even going back over it. Anyways thank you for taking your time to let me get this off my shoulders as it both helps others that maybe experiencing the same thing as me in transitioning but also helps me as it is therapeutic for my own soul. Have a great rest of your weekend! Love you all!!! Stay safe and warm and remember that November 20th is TDOR (Trans Day of Remembrance) remembering those that have lost their life due to discrimination for simply living authentic lives and at the hands of transphobia/homophobia.
-Sara Ashley Cole
PS. Leaving you some pics of me that I took before church ya'll...
"A true community of believers of both Christ and God love knows no end. True love is loving someone without any strings attached. To love is divine and seeks God what she is all about. To love someone all the way just proves you know God and her son, Jesus Christ. To be truly like that of Christ is to love people for who they are and not love them for who they are not. Today Christianity as the world sees it has become blemished with those who call them self Christian and yet reject someone who doesn't think like them or live their life like them and that is why I reject Christianity and being called a Christian. Why would I want that little moniker? That is why I am a Progressive Christian, a true follower of Christ who follows his mother, God." -Sara Ashley Cole (Excerpt to FB Status update/quote.
When doing some contemplation on my life or as in this case my journey transitioning to my true gender that I have always felt but hid most of my life this quote came to mind. Ever since coming out it has freed the creative mind that I have been blessed by God, HERSELF. Holding a HUGE part of me also held back my creativity to where it didn't look like I had any at all and that was because God was waiting for me to come out and express my true self to the world and show you all the beautiful creation that SHE created and the purpose that SHE had in store for me and my life. Showing authenticity to the world puts a face to the trans community for all the world to see. By having myself on full display it gives the world an example to what we go through in life. Now we do have Janet Mock, Laverne Cox, Laura Jane Grace and Chaz Bono but who is likely to meet them in the flesh and have enough time to ask all the questions what it is like transitioning and all the challenges in this life but I am more of an every day life kinda transsexual that most will have much more access to that I can share with them more personally and not cost a dime to talk to at all. Now I am not saying that I am better than they are or less than they are just saying I am more accessible at their convenience in comparison than they are too.
Now I had a encounter today of which I am still feeling the after affects that makes me so very uncomfortable. Before coming out as the girl that I am there are people that I associated before coming out and being authentic for the world to see which there are some that make me feel so uncomfortable being around which makes the above quote easier to understand where I am coming from when I came up with it. Before coming out I went to a fundamentalist church called North Central Church of Christ which had one of the ministers there named Pat Arthur and while he is a very nice man he has been taught the Church of Christ Doctrine that I do not agree with at all and that kind of church left me a bad taste in my mouth more than the smell of onions on someone's breath but all the more worse. It still lingers with me to this day though it has been over a year since I last attended that church. In fact it was July I believe the next to last week last year that I was last there and even done video for them but I left that church before they could kick me out for according to them living a life contrary to what they say according to the bible teaches about. They are so anti-LGBT that I knew that I couldn't stay there any longer and that I had to be who I was meant to be and full time. At the time that I was still attending there I was living as myself true to myself part time but wouldn't have the authentic me there for the fear of being thrown out or worse go to the preacher's office and be told to come back to have a little private chat as they would call it an appointment to have counseling in what they see me as living a sinful life. Who are they to even judge me at all? They have no clue or even authority to throw me out of God's House. But anyways back to the event that made me feel so uncomfortable. I went to lunch as per usual for a typical after church activity with some friends from church at I consider to me more than friends as they are now my family. They are chosen family like people have told me about. When I heard that there is blood family and then there is chosen family and had no clue what they were talking about back then now I understand more completely. They act like families should and love me unconditionally. To me true love is loving someone with no strings attached that is what true love is for me. Anyways Pat Arthur the one that I spoke of earlier he is one those people that I didn't really want to talk to because of my comfort level with him is low because of my fear that he might judge me but yet he didn't but still made me feel uneasy because he referred to me as the legal name that I still go by but only in legal situations till I change it legally. Hearing me being referred to as Gary hurts because I am so detached from that name from my old life that I was still in the closet. He was and still is one of my Facebook friends on my old account and I would have taught that he had seen me come out and see that I go by a new name but still got called Gary. So that simply fuels into my Gender Dysphoria and so my heart is still racing when even going back over it. Anyways thank you for taking your time to let me get this off my shoulders as it both helps others that maybe experiencing the same thing as me in transitioning but also helps me as it is therapeutic for my own soul. Have a great rest of your weekend! Love you all!!! Stay safe and warm and remember that November 20th is TDOR (Trans Day of Remembrance) remembering those that have lost their life due to discrimination for simply living authentic lives and at the hands of transphobia/homophobia.
-Sara Ashley Cole
PS. Leaving you some pics of me that I took before church ya'll...
"Reeled in a huge big fish"
Now we all have in some point have heard a "Fishy Story" when it comes to an expedition when it comes to a person who has just come back from fishing. Right? Now you may ask what is this title or this point that you are trying to make? Well I will get to it. A huge icon in the anti-LGBT movement seems to be on our side, the side of the trans community and his name is Pat Robertson. Yes the Pat Robertson that says that be gay is a sin and choice. But when most people say that one such as myself am a gay man they are in a fact saying that transsexuality is in line with being sexual orientation. So if gender identity and sexual orientation are tied together and having someone like Pat Robertson say there is nothing wrong with being transsexual then in time we will be accepted. We will be excepted by the majority because the majority follows and agrees with Pat Robertson so to say that we caught a big fish then we landed a big fish and that is a HUGE deal. This is an excerpt to which he said about this very subject..."I think there are men who are in a woman's body," he said. "It's very rare. But it's true -- or women that are in men's bodies -- and that they want a sex change. That is a very permanent thing, believe me, when you have certain body parts amputated and when you have shot up with various kinds of hormones. It's a radical procedure. I don't think there's any sin associated with that. I don't condemn somebody for doing that." That came from this link to which I am giving you. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/29/pat-robertson-transgender_n_3672244.html To me that gives me a chance to get the world to accept me for who I am and from all people that chance comes from Pat Roberson himself which leaves me excited but also speechless. For all people it is him that gives me a fighting chance and a future that is both bright and beautiful. He also in turn gives me a chance of reconnecting with my family because they follow him and so who knows what the future holds but it does give me something I want more than anything in the world. With the holidays around the corner there is nothing more that I could possibly want more than to be reconnected with my family and have them back in my life. I do not know when or if it will ever occur but I know the world is a changing and with the newer and younger generation the world is slowly changing to something really beautiful. Thank you for your love and support and Happy Holidays to you all!
With Love from this transsexual female,
Sara Ashley Cole
With Love from this transsexual female,
Sara Ashley Cole
"a look into sara's world"
Ever since I have started living my life showing authenticity to the world there are many things that flow in my mind on the daily basis. My moods go up and then go down and all day long. There is not a time in the day even while asleep that I do not reflect on my life as a transsexual woman. You may take life so for granite being a straight and cisgendered rather that be a male or female. One doesn't even think about gender identity because they simply accepted their gender when they were little so gender identity was not even on your radar. It was not even on my radar most of my life being that I didn't even have the terminology to put to what I had been feeling all of my life. You see I hid my true feelings from everyone especially from my own self. I was born in 1977 and to be exact on August 18th that year. Back then the world still evolved very much so on Christian values. Back then if one even acted out of what was considered the norm you were condemned to the very gates of hell and of which to me and my beliefs is only a fictional place which doesn't exist. I do not believe in such a place exists but in their minds their fogged up minds,hell exists. They even believe that a man goes around in red tights, carrying a pitchfork with horns and a tail goes around tripping up humanity into going against God and that God is an old man in the sky ready on notice to strike down anyone that went against HIM and struct down lightning on that person or persons for doing so. You see those very concepts were instilled in humanity to scare and to manipulate humanity into following them and their rules. By setting the rules they got to control life here and around them. But controlling humanity has always been around. People have always tried to control what's around them and what's happening it is in their very instinctive nature to do so. If one is not comfortable for what is happening around them then they did what was necessary to make that happen. Religion is the very core to which the way the world evolves today very much like it does today. That has been happening since the beginning of time. It even happened in Jesus' time. The religious Zealots back in his day would put rules upon the rules that were already put in place by God. Yeah back in those days there was only one rule which was do not eat of the particular fruit but yet humanity wasn't satisfied and begged for more rules and when there were not ruled put in place they made their rules and put them on top of the other rules that were in place. They simply saddled humanity with so many rules that one couldn't even begin to live their life.
What people that live in the privilege cisgendered life fail to realize is just how hard the trans life is. Most think that it is a choice of life but that is such a bad misconception. I have to deal with people and their hangups when they find out that I am a transsexual female. When they hear the word "transsexual" they get stuck on the word "sex" in transsexual and think that we are into kinky sex but what they fail to realize is that those in the cisgendered world is that they are the ones that have kinky sex more than we do. They feel as they follow the rules of the world and live out their lives in the gender that they are born into and they sexual orientation that is accepted. They do not have to answer questions like "Have you had the surgery yet? Or can I see your genitals?" Those are the most insensitive questions that you can ever ask and another jewel is "Are you a male or female?" Ouch! That one hurts so very much. Or being called "dude" or he/she those hurt to hear too as well. There is so lack of education about the trans community so that is why I try to let people in how it is and all the ins and outs there are. To be constantly judged for who I am and why I am doing this is so taxing that is why I elect to stay inside and not go out but on the other hand I need to live my life and on my terms. But there are so many people that are willing to do whatever it is to get you to live your life and on their terms as though you have no right or no say in how you live your life. There are laws in place that make it extremely difficult to transition and it is because of the so-called religious Zealots that are so much like the ones the very ones that Christ, HIMSELF had to face on the daily basis. They made HIM angry and they do the same to me today. They anger me but have learned that most if confronted are so strong in their beliefs that they are right and feel justified in their stance so they act out on anger and violence. So I try to keep an eye out for them and look at their body posture, their eyes and if they posture their bodies if they are getting ready to battle and if so I try and not go around those people and even go out of my way to not be around them even if that means adding another thirty minutes to my routine, my safety is that important to me. I want to make sure that each day I begin and end with me being upright and safe. Transitioning to the gender you have been in your heart all of your life is all so much harder than you those who are cisgendered would ever know. Looking for work to make ends meet is so very hard especially if you are early in your transition as you are still going by your legal name when applying for work. Even if employers are open-minded but their customer base are not then they have to look at their bottom line and if they feel like they can lose a lot of their customer base then they will not hire you because at the end of the day they have to make money and provide food for their families so they pass on us. My whole routine is based on keeping my safe and secure every day and night so I can't socialize like I would love to. I believe though the trend looks upward and moving the right direction there are still enough people out there that want to keep people living the traditional way of life just like they are. Until the older generation dies off that will not change any time soon. Thank you for seeing life through my lens. Have a good weekend all and keep warm!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
What people that live in the privilege cisgendered life fail to realize is just how hard the trans life is. Most think that it is a choice of life but that is such a bad misconception. I have to deal with people and their hangups when they find out that I am a transsexual female. When they hear the word "transsexual" they get stuck on the word "sex" in transsexual and think that we are into kinky sex but what they fail to realize is that those in the cisgendered world is that they are the ones that have kinky sex more than we do. They feel as they follow the rules of the world and live out their lives in the gender that they are born into and they sexual orientation that is accepted. They do not have to answer questions like "Have you had the surgery yet? Or can I see your genitals?" Those are the most insensitive questions that you can ever ask and another jewel is "Are you a male or female?" Ouch! That one hurts so very much. Or being called "dude" or he/she those hurt to hear too as well. There is so lack of education about the trans community so that is why I try to let people in how it is and all the ins and outs there are. To be constantly judged for who I am and why I am doing this is so taxing that is why I elect to stay inside and not go out but on the other hand I need to live my life and on my terms. But there are so many people that are willing to do whatever it is to get you to live your life and on their terms as though you have no right or no say in how you live your life. There are laws in place that make it extremely difficult to transition and it is because of the so-called religious Zealots that are so much like the ones the very ones that Christ, HIMSELF had to face on the daily basis. They made HIM angry and they do the same to me today. They anger me but have learned that most if confronted are so strong in their beliefs that they are right and feel justified in their stance so they act out on anger and violence. So I try to keep an eye out for them and look at their body posture, their eyes and if they posture their bodies if they are getting ready to battle and if so I try and not go around those people and even go out of my way to not be around them even if that means adding another thirty minutes to my routine, my safety is that important to me. I want to make sure that each day I begin and end with me being upright and safe. Transitioning to the gender you have been in your heart all of your life is all so much harder than you those who are cisgendered would ever know. Looking for work to make ends meet is so very hard especially if you are early in your transition as you are still going by your legal name when applying for work. Even if employers are open-minded but their customer base are not then they have to look at their bottom line and if they feel like they can lose a lot of their customer base then they will not hire you because at the end of the day they have to make money and provide food for their families so they pass on us. My whole routine is based on keeping my safe and secure every day and night so I can't socialize like I would love to. I believe though the trend looks upward and moving the right direction there are still enough people out there that want to keep people living the traditional way of life just like they are. Until the older generation dies off that will not change any time soon. Thank you for seeing life through my lens. Have a good weekend all and keep warm!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
"War on the trans and lgbt communities"
There is so much hatred on the LGBT and Trans Communities and most of it stems from the Christian Fundamentalists whom declared war on us long ago. They use the Old Testament to mount wars against us which calls for them to kill us because we are going against God. Anyone that is different they see as an enemy of God so we are enemies to them and they will do anything to be rid of us and for good. It doesn't matter if they even have to exterminate us because they defend their decision by using the Old Testament to back their actions. Churches like that need to be exterminated as in shut down forever. Their ministers need to be hauled off to prison and serve life sentences for their hate-filled so-called sermons so we need to go to every church like this and make sure it is thorough search to go through each and every sermon and see if there is any hate in their sermons and if so they are immediately arrested and taken to jail to await their trial and when found guilty they are sent off to prison to live there to the day they die. Now if someone from their congregation does commit murder then that minister is to be executed too as well. If any of these churches are found to have hate-filled sermons in their possession then they need to be shut down for life and never be allowed to open ever again. There needs to be a law stating in the books that fundamentalist churches cease to exist.
The very reason that I say all of this is that they want everyone to go back to our closets and act like Straight Cisgendered men and women and act like they want us to. They feel though it is our life they own our very life and so with each decision they make that we should follow them. There are a lot of them that want the law back in the day to be back on the books which would make being LGBT which means Transpeople too that it would be illegal and they want us to be be executed for being true to our self. Those churches are in huge violation to the law on the books referred to as "Separation of Church and State." That means that churches should not be involved in politics if they want to be viewed as in the eyes of the law from having to pay taxes. They think they are above the law and so they get involved in politics to try and influence the government to put into laws involving marriage. They think that marriage is a religious institution that is only for one man and one woman. Now marriage is for two consenting adults and doesn't matter what gender but that is not how to see it and want to force their agenda on everyone which would in turn establish a religion which is why we left England long ago. We left England because they had an established religion and we wanted the freedom to choose which one or none at all. They do not think at all or at the very least want to do the thinking for everyone and be their little puppets which that is not right at all. Why do we have to be how they see fit? Who died and made them boss? Don't they read their bibles at all? Doesn't it not say in Matthew 7 to not judge? Hmmm. Some food for thought perhaps. Thank you all for letting me rant and rave have a great day ya'll. Love you for all the love and support you show me.
-Sara Ashley Cole
The very reason that I say all of this is that they want everyone to go back to our closets and act like Straight Cisgendered men and women and act like they want us to. They feel though it is our life they own our very life and so with each decision they make that we should follow them. There are a lot of them that want the law back in the day to be back on the books which would make being LGBT which means Transpeople too that it would be illegal and they want us to be be executed for being true to our self. Those churches are in huge violation to the law on the books referred to as "Separation of Church and State." That means that churches should not be involved in politics if they want to be viewed as in the eyes of the law from having to pay taxes. They think they are above the law and so they get involved in politics to try and influence the government to put into laws involving marriage. They think that marriage is a religious institution that is only for one man and one woman. Now marriage is for two consenting adults and doesn't matter what gender but that is not how to see it and want to force their agenda on everyone which would in turn establish a religion which is why we left England long ago. We left England because they had an established religion and we wanted the freedom to choose which one or none at all. They do not think at all or at the very least want to do the thinking for everyone and be their little puppets which that is not right at all. Why do we have to be how they see fit? Who died and made them boss? Don't they read their bibles at all? Doesn't it not say in Matthew 7 to not judge? Hmmm. Some food for thought perhaps. Thank you all for letting me rant and rave have a great day ya'll. Love you for all the love and support you show me.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"bitter sweet memory"
When thinking of my latest post here I was listening to a song by The Verve called "Bitter Sweet Symphony" so this post came to mind. My transition journey has some many quirks and turns when it comes to emotions but the one that comes to mind is both bitter and sweet so I will touch on both here. So I will touch on bitter because that is the one that happens more than any emotion that is drudged up. I am bitter that I know for well because I have lost a whole lot like this is "Tis the Season to Be Losing Family" to me. This is my 2nd holiday season without family to celebrate the holidays with. To me the holidays had always been about family and sharing some wonderful meaningful memories with but for me they are gone like a flash. When I came out as being a transsexual female and let them in on my plans transitioning my body to that of a girl being that I had been a girl all along but living a lie as a the boy that they saw. They had look of failure in their eyes as though they had failed a son, a brother. They feel as though they failed me because I am living a sinful life because they see it as though I am changing God's design of what he in their eyes had in store for me. Well, I feel as though I am living my life with the designs that she had in store for me all along and that most of my life I was going against her plain and simple. By my own flesh and blood my father disowning me took away and snatched my mom out of my life and so out of my life. Her and I had always had a close relationship and him taking her away from me was a punishment to me for not following God and what he, my father wanted me to live my life and on his terms. But in fact he is uncomfortable with the fact his own son, whom he had seen me as living my life as the daughter that I had been all along. I had been a Tomboy most of my life because I had never truly identified as a male but a female but hid the feminine side of me as long as I could to gain his acceptance, his love and in turn a relationship. But that relationship that I had was based on a lie and with that my punishment is that whatever I did was never good enough and so everything I had done in my life prior to coming out had been done for not. I wished that I would have come out long ago but I thought with time my father would soften his stance on the LGBT but instead it got harder over time. I thought if he could take the time to see my life through my eyes and not his close-mindedness that he would accept me as I am but what a damn fool I was. I was miserable, depressed, angry, yeah angry at my life and thinking, "Why God did you put me in this family and make me a transsexual?" You knew that I would be rejected and tossed aside like a piece of trash ready for the Sanitation Engineer to come along and drive me away. Another bitter part was losing my sister, she is younger than I and had once upon a time wanted a relationship with me but that all went away when I had come out as a woman wanting to live her life and on her terms. I had know deep down that I would lose but I tried anyways to explain that I had to do this for my well-being but just like my father religion got in the way and she asked me when the time comes for me to die would I reach for my compact one more time before I go straight to hell? Ouch, that still burns today and because of her and my Brother-in-Law I to this day do not have a relationship with them but more importantly I do not have one with my Nieces and Nephews which makes the holidays not the same without them. I miss my oldest Niece Heidi, her sister, Audrey, their lil sister, Elizabeth, their littlest sister, Lily, Clair, my niece, and their brothers my Nephews, Andrew and Timothy so very much and want them to know though they never met their Aunt Sara I love them so very much. They only knew me as their Uncle Gary but that was before I came out. I hope that one day they will want a relationship with me when they are old enough to make their own choice because I will always love them so very much and it breaks my heart not being able to see them all because of their parents and mine wanted me out of their life for me being authentic. They would simply rather for me to live my life in silence and keep this inside me and still live my life as who they see me as and on their terms. I can't live that way and have gained more than I have lost.
The "Sweet" in Bitter Sweet Memories is sweet because I have been liberated from the bondage of living a dishonest life and holding my feelings back. It is more than being able to dress as the girl that I am, or wearing heels, or bra and panties and smelling good because of perfume or even having my fingernails and toenails painted all the time but letting people in how I feel. I have always wanted to express my feelings and all those things that I mentioned just now are a way to express myself as the girly girl that I am. I am as a Beatles Song called "Free as a Bird" because I am free to be me, the me that I have known myself to be all along and live my life on my terms not someone else's. You see when you live for yourself you call the shots and I simply love my life more and more as I transition to the girl that I have always been. These days I can simply have my head held high, being proud of who I am and who God designed me to be. She made me this way to put me to the ultimate test to see if I could trust and have faith in her and obey her and now I know I can pass her tests. I have retained most of my friends because they simply are my real friends. Real friends love you for who you are and want you to be happy and my do and that makes me feel so loved and so blessed. To know they stand by me makes me know that I selected the right friends. I have met so many new people that are my friends rather they are in the LGBT and Trans community locally or from afar or if they are allies locally or afar I know that I am truly loved and adored for who I am. I am so thankful for my church family or should I say families because I have 3 church families that are inclusive to the LGBT and Trans community they are all Christ-Like to me and I am not alone on my journey to being the female that I have always been. They are transitioning along with me and know they genuinely show me love one that Christ, HIMSELF would be so very proud of because HE was and still is very inclusive. Christ came to this world to set the oppressed free from the oppression that the Religious Zealots did back in HIS day and HE would do the same today but HE is doing that and I feel like HE is doing that through me. I am leading a revolution to the lead to the very day that we are to be accepted like anyone else. I am doing what I have been called to do and that is to educate the masses about being trans. Being myself which is showing authenticity to the world is accomplishing that very goal of the said mission. Love you all and thank you for letting me share my story with you all. When ever you meet someone that is different than you simply get to know that person and be open and willing for them to share you their story and you may very well have a new friend, maybe that person that you are supposed marry. Have a fabulous weekend all!!! :) <3 -Sara Ashley Cole |
"out and proud transsexual bisexual progressive christian"
As I journey on to being the woman that I know down deep that I am I have my head up high because I am proud of who I am. Being out and open to who I am. There is no shame when one is being true to them self. I always knew I was different all of my life but didn't always have the courage to come out. In fact it took me a whole lotta growing up to find the inner confidence to be true to myself. For years I lived for other people and not for my own. You see when you grow up in a very traditional family and being taught tradition from the perspective of not only Conservatives but Fundamentalist Christians. They taught me growing up how to hate people like me. My own dad and his brother my Uncle from an early part of my life made fun of gays and in front of me that is another part of my past I recently drudged up and that hurts me so very much. That is just more evidence that proves he lied to me not seeing this coming. Back when I showed evidence of me being a girl, one that is trapped in the wrong body he told me that he didn't see this coming. Then why in the hell did he ask me since reaching puberty if I was gay? I now know I wasn't lying because I didn't have my own gender identity figured out or at least denying who I was. I tried my best to please them and to fix myself of this being trans but all that I tried failed and failed miserably. It failed because it is who I am and these days I am very proud of who I am but at the same time I am careful too. I have to be careful because people use their religion to condone the hatred of those that are LGBT and they even condone violence in the name of God and Jesus. They use the bible to make their point that it is more than alright to hurt or to kill in the name of God. They use the text in the bible in the Old Testament to condone killing us for who we are because it tells them to stone whoever is going against God and they say that transitioning is a form of homosexuality and though I am proud of who I am and bisexual they would rather see me dead then being a pervert in their eyes.
Everyday that I walk outside as the girl that I am, I making them see just how out and proud that I am. No matter what they say about me, how much they laugh at me or even threaten me with violence they have to see me out and proud and that makes them uneasy. If they do not want to see me then it is them that has to withdraw from the world because I am not going away or backing down one centimeter with my decision to transition to the girl that I have always been. So if they do not want to see me then they are the ones that need to leave I have every God given right to be here and be who I am. Thank you all and have a great weekend!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
Everyday that I walk outside as the girl that I am, I making them see just how out and proud that I am. No matter what they say about me, how much they laugh at me or even threaten me with violence they have to see me out and proud and that makes them uneasy. If they do not want to see me then it is them that has to withdraw from the world because I am not going away or backing down one centimeter with my decision to transition to the girl that I have always been. So if they do not want to see me then they are the ones that need to leave I have every God given right to be here and be who I am. Thank you all and have a great weekend!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
"From Closeted caterpillar 2 beautiful butterfly"
Before coming out I was living my life as the closeted transsexual and it was more like a closet caterpillar and lived that way for most of my life till one day I hit that wall that all transsexuals eventually hit. When I hit that wall I hit it so very fast that I acted out on my feelings of being a girl trapped in the wrong body. I went from someone afraid to be true to them self to the girl that I knew deep down that I was and it feels great. It feels like a caterpillar shedding its skin to that of a beautiful butterfly opening its wings and flapping them and letting the world know of her beauty. Being proud to be who I am feels great, so great that I will never hide who I am ever again. I am so proud of where my journey started to where I am. When reflecting back on my journey from afar I can see what people, my friends are talking about when they refer to me being so very brave and it gives me shivers. Knowing just how strong that I am gives me a warm sense of embrace from God herself. She lets me know every step of the way that I am doing the right thing and to keep right on going down the path that was assigned to me long ago. Every time that I have self doubt about the journey that I am she just simply dumps evidence on my lap. Like the other week that just lapsed she gave me my youngest Cousin, whom lives in Tempe, Arizona studying at the University of Arizona and her name is Samantha or as I call her Sam. Being only 20 yrs old and yet she is so intelligent, accepting me as I am and without judgment. I simply love her but love her more today then before she accepted me for who I am. I may have lost a whole lot of family but she is one of a few that are still in my life and for that I am simply blessed. Her and I had not much of a relationship but that was neither of our fault at all because her dad and mine don't have much of one because they fight like your typical siblings even though they are adults. I am not sure whose fault it is but that doesn't matter. Neither one of them are no where close to mature as Sam is and I adore her and her open-mindness and she is family, real family because she loves me unconditionally the way that families should. This is a very hard time for me because it is the holidays which to me is a time to get together with family to share precious memories, precious memories that I am not allowed to develop and treasure all because of my gender identity and not correlating to their religious believes. Doesn't Jesus preach against this? I am sure HE does and would be so disappointed. Jesus taught of inclusion not exclusion. By kicking me to the curb for me living my life authentically that is exactly what they did is exclude me from all family gatherings for simply being honest. What kind of Christian is that? That is why the word "Christian" has a bad connotation to many because it gives them a bad taste in their mouth. It gives them a bad taste in their mouth because all they see is judgement and that is why I am a Progressive Christian. I dumped the label "Christian" because I do not want to give them a bad impression of who I am. When people out in the world ask me if I am a Christian I tell them no and they ask why and I tell them that they are all about judging but I am a Progressive Christian, a kind of Christian that follows Jesus because HE is all about inclusion not exclusion. Thank you all and love you so very much. <3 :)
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"transsexual female living 4 christ"
Before coming out I had so much going for me or so I thought. I had family, a car, an apartment and a job. Family had been in my life all of my life. Family was everything to me. But one day that all came to a screeching hault. Growing up in a Christian Conservative Fundamentalist home you were taught that being LGBT and being active that one is going to hell. But I am sorry that place and that little guy that goes around wearing a red cape, horns on his head and carrying a pitchfork that supposedly goes around and tricks people into going against God doesn't exist. It gives those kind of people an out when they go against God and avoid blaming their mistakes on themselves. And hell the kind of hell that they refer to doesn't exist except the kind hell on Earth that ones goes through while living. But anyways I simply lost them when I came out as a woman, a woman that is trapped in the wrong body and let them in on me transitioning all the way as in SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery). The only way that I can live is to have the surgery so that I can be at peace once in my life. By having the surgery my mind which is already mapped can be congruent with my body which is the one thing that I can change.
Before living an authentic life I had a job which I lost when I came out as a transsexual. Most of my coworkers or all that I told accepted me as who I am but one that acted like they did seemed to change all of the sudden on how she treated me and wrote me up for every little thing and one day that led to me being fired. I since have lost a second job which by the way took me a long time before finding. I lost that job because of a Security Guard couldn't see past his vision of who I was to him which was a man in a dress trying so hard to be a woman. He lied to his Supervisors of me assaulting him. One day I had trouble of getting through the metal detectors and missed most of my lunch break doing so, so I got frustrated and threw my flats across the room but in the opposite direction of him but he told his Supervisors that I assaulted him with my flats. He lied so he didn't have to see me anymore which is very bigoted of him to do that. When you depended on either a job or financial assistance from your family through hard times and lose them both then it is hard to pay your bills for your apartment so when that happens of course that leads to being homeless. I bounced around friend's places, shelters and eventually landed on the streets till I secured housing of which I got luckily because of a friend at my old church that I came out to which I figured would accept me as I am. She helped me sign up for Section 8 before I became homeless and so I waited till a spot opened up and when that day finally came. So I started in search of apartments and found one that was willing to take a chance on me and so I live in apartment so I do not have to be on the streets this coming winter. While being homeless I met this girl and her boyfriend at the time that I only knew for less than a week and I learned that I shouldn't have trusted at all because they stolen my car. Luckily now I have transportation which is provided for me without me paying a dime so I get around by bus to where ever I need to go. Since me coming out I have retained most of my friends that knew me before I came out that simply want me to be happy and have met a whole new set of friends. I have met so many of my new friends in the LGBT Community and Trans Community and allies that make me feel so good. Being authentic has a way of being a magnetic. People simply crave someone showing them authenticity because they do not have time for someone being dishonest with who they are so being truthful makes them want to give you time. Since coming out to the world I have been liberated and so I am free to be me. The one thing that I have gained since losing most of my family is that I do not have to be the person that they see me as and that feels great which is medicine for the soul. Though I had to experience being a homeless person, one that is a transsexual I managed to not become a statistic. A statistic as in being a transwoman that is homeless and being murdered because a lot of us tend to end up getting murdered but instead I survived. I survived on the streets thanks to God and Jesus because my faith grew all the more each time I looked at my life on the streets and saw all the evidence that they took such good care of me so that is an indication that I am doing actually had in mind for my life. I am following the blueprint for my life which God placed on my heart and when I actually surrendered to her will it at first led me to being homeless and losing everything but in the end it lead to me gaining more back then I lost which makes me truly grateful for all they have done in my life which is the very reason why my faith is at an all-time high. I am truly happy for the very 1st time because I am being real with myself and others. Though I am unhappy right now it is because I am struggling with it being the holidays and it is my 2nd year without family and so I am still grieving and that will take time with all the therapy I can get I will get better in time but never all the way recover. The idea for this blog post came from a book that I am currently reading called " Letting God Bless You" The Beatitudes of Today by John Klinger. It is so far a great read and gives me a whole new perspective on life. I also gained not one, not two, but three LGBT Inclusive Churches that accept me as I am. So thank you First United Church, Mennonite Fellowship of Bloomington, and Bloomington Inclusive Mass. Thank you all for your love and support and have a fabulous weekend all you beautiful people. -Sara Ashley Cole |
"dredged up bad memory"
Today as I reading about another transperson's story a bad memory was drudged up. I always am doing all kinds of research on the trans community being that I am part of that very community and feel the need to bone up because I have been called by God, herself to educate the masses even up and coming trans people. I feel so very strongly about doing my duties as a transsexual female. I am always thinking about rather to be like other trans people before me and drop the title trans after having my SRS and like a typical girl, a cis one that is I am always changing my mind being that it is my prerogative to doing so, right? But anyways back to the thought at hand. The bad drudged up memory is growing up and trying so very hard being a typical boy of which I never was and never will be. The going to PE class was a daily struggle though I did love playing sports but the drudgery of going to the locker room and getting change part was the problem. I hated getting changed in front of the boys and never truly knew why or quite possibly I was in denial whatever the reason I hated that part of PE. I have always been uncomfortable with my own body and hated every bit of it. I was ate odds with my body because I looked too feminine and wanted to hide that plus that appendage, especially that thing between my own legs. There were times that I tried ripping it off and never occurred to me why I wanted it gone but then again I knew subconsciously that I was a girl but couldn't bare to own up to it at all. But oh how I hated the dreaded locker room simply because I was different and not like your typical boys. I may have been assigned at birth as a boy but never in my heart of hearts one of them at all. Deep down inside I was feminine and yet I had to hide it being in the kind of family I grew up in. Oh how I wish I was born in a very different family where I would be taught acceptance instead of exclusion. To exclude someone for simply being different and opened to who they were inside, now how terrible is that? There is no shame of being different but yet society doesn't teach you that or even want any of us to know that. All those years I lost because I tried so very hard to please the world when I was deep down inside hating myself and brought that same hatred to those that were like me.
So these days I am trying to make amends of all the hurt that I brought on the LGBT, my own people. I'm so sorry of all the pain that I brought you and I can never apologize enough. Though I was not vocal about it but did it all in silence which is bad enough. I am very ashamed of my actions back then and that is why I do this very website to help educate others so they do not make the same mistakes that I made back then. I want today's youth to continue with their brave work in being the kind of person that accepts those that are different though they are like the majority. I am so very proud of our youth and they never seem to stop amazing me. There is a girl in my very church who is way smarter than me that though she maybe Cisgendered and straight she stands in the gap of those that identify as LGBT and even knows at such a young age to how to win those over that are so anti-LGBT. We need more of her in this world. I simply admire your for such courage and conviction that it simply amazes me even at the tender age of 15 she is this talented and smart and it is because of the raising that she gets and it makes me proud but also jealous because as you can see I had a tough childhood growing being armed with such hatred and my own dad knew I was simply different so he taught me how to hate myself and I did so many years. These days I simply love myself but at the same time I am so very hard on myself because I can do better and will do better. I have the dream to meet my goals so I need to get over my GD and move it to the side then focus on it later when I get all my work done for the day. That is why I need therapy so I can live life for what it is and live as normal as I can as I will never have a normal life or will ever and no one truly does. Society just simply lies to you and says that there is normal and now go for it, so do not fall for it. Life is not so neat and in fact it is simply messy. That is what my ex Associate Pastor Caela often said in her sermons. One final note please bare with me this is from a topic that Meggan Sommerville, a Post OP Trans sister of ours brought up about the whole locker room so her and I have similar experiences with that part for sure. Didn't want to forget and not give her credit for this topic. Thank you Meggan, sorry that I forgot to give you credit earlier. Thank you for taking your time reading this and getting something off my chests...Good Night ya'll.
-Sara Ashley Cole
So these days I am trying to make amends of all the hurt that I brought on the LGBT, my own people. I'm so sorry of all the pain that I brought you and I can never apologize enough. Though I was not vocal about it but did it all in silence which is bad enough. I am very ashamed of my actions back then and that is why I do this very website to help educate others so they do not make the same mistakes that I made back then. I want today's youth to continue with their brave work in being the kind of person that accepts those that are different though they are like the majority. I am so very proud of our youth and they never seem to stop amazing me. There is a girl in my very church who is way smarter than me that though she maybe Cisgendered and straight she stands in the gap of those that identify as LGBT and even knows at such a young age to how to win those over that are so anti-LGBT. We need more of her in this world. I simply admire your for such courage and conviction that it simply amazes me even at the tender age of 15 she is this talented and smart and it is because of the raising that she gets and it makes me proud but also jealous because as you can see I had a tough childhood growing being armed with such hatred and my own dad knew I was simply different so he taught me how to hate myself and I did so many years. These days I simply love myself but at the same time I am so very hard on myself because I can do better and will do better. I have the dream to meet my goals so I need to get over my GD and move it to the side then focus on it later when I get all my work done for the day. That is why I need therapy so I can live life for what it is and live as normal as I can as I will never have a normal life or will ever and no one truly does. Society just simply lies to you and says that there is normal and now go for it, so do not fall for it. Life is not so neat and in fact it is simply messy. That is what my ex Associate Pastor Caela often said in her sermons. One final note please bare with me this is from a topic that Meggan Sommerville, a Post OP Trans sister of ours brought up about the whole locker room so her and I have similar experiences with that part for sure. Didn't want to forget and not give her credit for this topic. Thank you Meggan, sorry that I forgot to give you credit earlier. Thank you for taking your time reading this and getting something off my chests...Good Night ya'll.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"Triggers my GD"
Now for those that have seen my latest article called "What Funnels into My GD" I stated what all triggers into my GD. Well there was something that I forgot to mention that triggers my GD which is the reason for this title. I can't believe that I forgot to mention my biggest trigger for me and my GD. Being a transsexual female you see I have this appendage that sits between my legs which is the biggest reason I have GD along with me having a female brain. That appendage I at one part in time I couldn't even go to the restroom or shower very easy because of that monstrosity I had to deal with. That blemish I had to hold while going to the restroom or showering would send me over the moon because I am so disconnected to it. But there is another situation that dealing with the appendage that still triggers GD for me which is when I have to relieve myself sexually. Now when I am in the middle of relieving myself sexually something that I did when I started puberty when still living that lie of being a male there would be no reaction when doing it. But after the effect of relieving myself sexually is when my GD would heighten because I had to do this for my body though it upsets me so very much because I am a woman but my body acts so male like needing this sensation. I want myself to be more like that of a female which I associate myself in being. But when my body craves attention sexually it contradicts the feelings of me being a woman. So when that occurs after relieving myself sexually I feel quite disgusting and makes me crave all the more of going on testosterone blockers so these feelings of needing to be relieved sexually lesson over time. There was a time that I was on them when a friend of mine purchased them for me and I know that sex drive was slowly going away which made me feel quite good. But since being off them I have had my sex drive increase to where it was before being on them which saddens me but also makes me angry and depressed. Knowing that I need to be on them so I can feel normal again is the biggest drive to me finding a job so I can restart where I was before becoming homeless and reminds me of the hatred that I have received from those that live on my floor of the apartment complex I live in so that drives my own hatred to those bigots. It seems these days anything triggers GD and also it is getting closer to the holidays which is another trigger for sure. Not having family for the holidays is something that I hate though I do love being free, like being liberated to be the woman that I know that I am and that does help a little but anyways thank you for letting me get this off my shoulders. Love you all my loyal followers. Have a great week!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"all are welcome @ God's table"
You may have heard when growing up as a child about "The Lord's Table" and how you can come as you are. But how many churches really follow that really? You see you really do not truly know the answer at all. Well, you may ask what point are you trying to make here? That is a very good question. Ever since I was real young I have been going to church with my family and one day on April 29, 2001 I got baptized and realized that I am now a child of God that I simply belonged to God. Now what a good day that was and now fast forward to September 1, 2012. Now you may ask why that date? Well that is another very good question. You see that was a day that I officially came out as being a girl trapped in the wrong body and that I was attracted to girls and I mean girls as in it didn't matter if they were Cis or trans to me at all. Now that one that has been going to church all of my life one that is a Church of Christ I was taught that if one is LGBT which by the way trans is so that is what the "T" stands for in LGBT and one that is active in it that they were going straight to hell. So I got to thinking if God made me this way and I am going to hell for it then that is so cruel of God to make me this way and then punish me for simply being who I was meant to be. I made a decision that very day that I was going to transition to the girl that I have always been and all the way. So since that day I started to live as who I really am but only part time and in private. I felt that I need to work on my makeup skills and work on walking on heels and get a fashion sense what I wanted to look like and plus I wasn't comfortable with the idea of walking around being myself in a town which had become accustomed to the person they saw me as which was to them a male. Plus I had my so-called church friends and my old friends that would see me and judge me so I wasn't ready for that as well.
Now fast forward to August of 2013 the 6th of that month to be exact that is when I went full time as the real me that I knew down deep was me publicly. I had for 2 months prior started going out in public as myself but only part-time and to Rachael's Cafe which is owned by a local transwoman as Rachael Jones. So anyways I felt that since this is who I am and I know how my old church felt about this by the way their name is North Central Church of Christ and their Senior Minister is Clay Humpheys I felt that I now do not have a church home to call home but before I made that decision I came out to a friend of mine there that I knew is liberal and she does accept me for who I am her and I talked for a bit over lunch just us 2 girls with me being in "boy mode" after church and later on her and I went to see an Associate Pastor at another church, one that she works in their Preschool as a teacher and that Associate Pastor, she made me an offer that I couldn't refuse which was she pay for my weekend Open, Welcome, and Affirming Conference which I quickly agreed to and it was being held at First United Church of which a short story has since became my church home. Nowadays I go to not one, not two, but three churches that not only meet in the same day, different time but in the same building that all accept me as I am and without judgement and they all welcome anyone to God's Table. They are all about inclusion not exclusion like my old church is all about the latter. Jesus, himself was all about the outcast of society and today the outcast of society is the LGBT and especially the "T" as in transsexual. Jesus came to this world to save the world, not to condemn the world. Christianity is open to all not just the selected. The parable in the Bible in Matthew 22:1-14 where those original guests declined so Jesus went out in the streets to invite anyone, anyone that society sees as the outcasts and invite them well that is how Christianity is today. Christ would invite anyone to the table like the outcasts which society sees us the LGBT and Trans Community and anyone that doesn't conform to societal's norms. So I am glad that I didn't let those Fundamentalists chase me away from God's Inclusive Table as what Rev.Daniel Kostakis of Bloomington Inclusive Mass calls it. All are welcome at God's Inclusive Table and it doesn't matter what you believe in, or that don't believe, what your gender identity is or sexual orientation because it is not our table, but God's and it is God's sweet invitation and do not decline because of bigotry. Amen! -Sara Ashley Cole |
"what funnels into my GD?
You may want to know how did I pick this title you might ask? Good question and let me let in on what I was thinking when I picked this title. But first you may ask what is she talking about when she says GD? Another good question I would have to say and here it goes answering both along the way. For the 2nd question 1st is the one that involves GD which would make the 1st answer a lil bit easy to answer. So here it goes GD is Gender Dysphoria. So that may lead to a 3rd question which is what is gender dysphoria? For those that are joining me on this discussion and looking at my webpage for the very 1st time I will answer that question next. For those that already know the answer please bare with me for a 2nd here. OK? Gender dysphoria for those that are not aquainted with this terminology is when one's assigned sex at birth doesn't correspond to one's internal self awareness of what gender they feel they are. Now sex and gender are sometimes used intertwine but that is a common misconception all together. First sex deals what is or isn't between the legs meaning dealing with genitalia thus the term sex. Now gender is one's eternal idea who they are inside meaning they could range anywhere on the gender spectrum which there are many variations. You have on one end of the gender spectrum male and on the other end female and one can be one or the other or somewhere in the middle. For me I was assigned male at birth and I used the word assigned instead of saying I was born a male because I have never identified myself as a male. So anyways I was assigned male at birth but I identify as a female thus making me a transsexual female. Now there is much debate between the word transgender and transsexual so let me get it out of the way here. OK? Transgender is an umbrella term under the rainbow community to which most of society can fit in that area. Say like cross-dresser/transvestite for which by the way is another debate on those terminology. Transvestite has to do with a fetish and that is what they want to not focus on so thus the term cross-dresser but I will not cover my opinion as it is a very slippery slope and will not take that on here. There are other identities and that will be in another future post at some time.
So anyways back to how I came up with the title. There are many things that funnel into what causes my gender dysphoria. So here it goes. Obviously there is my eternal sense with me being a female and being assigned male at birth so that is one thing the main thing that funnels my GD. Another thing a major thing that funnels my GD is whenever I see Cisgendered women that are pregnant. This is major because I ever since I was a young child though I was raised male have dreamed of one day being pregnant and being a mother. I would pretend by myself in private because of the kind of house that I was raised in that I was pregnant by simply placing my pillow under my shirt and give birth to a baby. Oh how I wanted even that young to be a mother raising children. Yeah I didn't want to pretend to work because I was born into an era where it was not a popular idea with women who had children to work outside the home. I never have told my family even since being out of the closet of being a transsexual these were my dreams as I know my situation would have increased the deadline of choosing to continue in my transition or to detransition to keep them in my life. If I was to choose to detransition then suicide would have happened so I choose not to. I would have been kicked out of the family much sooner thus living on the streets much sooner because though I lived on my own they were paying my bills because I was not working at the time because of my gender identity issues that were the very reason of me being unemployed though I did not have any proof and plus I live in a state where one can be terminated for any reason at any time and not be told why either. Now another factor into my GD is since I have been threatened for me being who I am by some people at my apartment complex I still fear though it happened almost a month ago that I will have both of my legs broken or worse be one of the transpeople being remembered on TDOR (Trans Day of Remembrance). They those that want to bring me harm watch out to see when I leave when I come back, what I am wearing and what entrance and exit I am using so they can one day plan when to hurt or kill me so I am very careful. By having to be this careful it is very hard for me to live and use a normal routine like anyone else. I want to put my life back on track even more now since securing my apartment since Section 8 housing was granted. I want to work so I can start earning money just to be able to buy more clothing, makeup, etc. I want to then be able to start Electrolysis so as you can see I want to physically transition like start HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) so I can lesson my GD but that is so very hard. I just feel like the hamster that is in my wheel going no where and fast. I feel like I am in quick sand and that I need rescuing. One last thing that funnels into my GD is when I see cisgirls and how good they look I think to myself without any effort at all that I just look like them which in turn makes me feel so unattractive. One last thing then I will wrap it up is that song called Transgender Dysphoria Blues by Against Me sung by the lead singer that is trans, Laura Jane Grace states that she wants people to look at her like any other girl but instead those haters see her as a in her words a "Faggot in a dress." I feel like that is what these people that hate on me see and so that intensifying my GD. Thank you for taking time to let me educate you on what girls like me have to put up with.
-Sara Ashley Cole
So anyways back to how I came up with the title. There are many things that funnel into what causes my gender dysphoria. So here it goes. Obviously there is my eternal sense with me being a female and being assigned male at birth so that is one thing the main thing that funnels my GD. Another thing a major thing that funnels my GD is whenever I see Cisgendered women that are pregnant. This is major because I ever since I was a young child though I was raised male have dreamed of one day being pregnant and being a mother. I would pretend by myself in private because of the kind of house that I was raised in that I was pregnant by simply placing my pillow under my shirt and give birth to a baby. Oh how I wanted even that young to be a mother raising children. Yeah I didn't want to pretend to work because I was born into an era where it was not a popular idea with women who had children to work outside the home. I never have told my family even since being out of the closet of being a transsexual these were my dreams as I know my situation would have increased the deadline of choosing to continue in my transition or to detransition to keep them in my life. If I was to choose to detransition then suicide would have happened so I choose not to. I would have been kicked out of the family much sooner thus living on the streets much sooner because though I lived on my own they were paying my bills because I was not working at the time because of my gender identity issues that were the very reason of me being unemployed though I did not have any proof and plus I live in a state where one can be terminated for any reason at any time and not be told why either. Now another factor into my GD is since I have been threatened for me being who I am by some people at my apartment complex I still fear though it happened almost a month ago that I will have both of my legs broken or worse be one of the transpeople being remembered on TDOR (Trans Day of Remembrance). They those that want to bring me harm watch out to see when I leave when I come back, what I am wearing and what entrance and exit I am using so they can one day plan when to hurt or kill me so I am very careful. By having to be this careful it is very hard for me to live and use a normal routine like anyone else. I want to put my life back on track even more now since securing my apartment since Section 8 housing was granted. I want to work so I can start earning money just to be able to buy more clothing, makeup, etc. I want to then be able to start Electrolysis so as you can see I want to physically transition like start HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) so I can lesson my GD but that is so very hard. I just feel like the hamster that is in my wheel going no where and fast. I feel like I am in quick sand and that I need rescuing. One last thing that funnels into my GD is when I see cisgirls and how good they look I think to myself without any effort at all that I just look like them which in turn makes me feel so unattractive. One last thing then I will wrap it up is that song called Transgender Dysphoria Blues by Against Me sung by the lead singer that is trans, Laura Jane Grace states that she wants people to look at her like any other girl but instead those haters see her as a in her words a "Faggot in a dress." I feel like that is what these people that hate on me see and so that intensifying my GD. Thank you for taking time to let me educate you on what girls like me have to put up with.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"emotional roller coaster ride of emotions"
When transitioning from one gender to another you are bound to go on an emotional journey. Being that there are any number of factors to consider that could possibly change in one's life. I am going to tackle one of my personal factors that has changed and get ready for a bumpy road. As I was watching just today on YouTube seeming that I do not have cable I was watching an episode that tackles the very subject of death on Everybody Loves Raymond. As I watching the episode I was thinking to myself that I used to watch this show on Saturdays when I used to do laundry at my parents' home. I would go to their home and have breakfast, lunch, and dinner which concluded with desert. In the day I would do my laundry in the midst of the day and spent time with my parents. Spending time with family used to be one of my great activities and that all ended when I came out as a transsexual and let them in on my plans of transitioning all the way. I even went as far as to explain why I felt that I am a female that is in the wrong body and even showed them all the signs that I had realized were my own clues what led me to know that I am a transsexual. I stayed in the closet for so many years and they were a huge reason why. I had stayed in the closet for so many years because you see I was raised in a extremely Christian Conservative Fundamentalist home. I was taught that being LGBT and active in it would deem me a one way ticket to hell. So I hid from my own identity and hid those very feelings of me being a girl, a girl that is in the wrong body. I tried so very hard to "fix" myself and rid myself of these very feelings. I was able to play the "boy role" for almost 34 yrs but slowly day by day it became very transparent to me that this "role" was slowly slipping away and playing that "role" became more of a struggle so I needed even more effort than ever before. by the time of August of 2012 I became more feminine in how I carried myself even when playing the "boy role". I would switch back and forth between being the real me and the role that I had played for so many years but was starting to get extremely difficult snapping back to "boy mode" and it came to me literally on September 1st of 2012 that I was a girl so I came out to myself and every since then all these memories I had during my lifetime started slowly coming back to me and all the dots were starting to connect and so the bigger picture was coming into more focus so I had nothing else that I could so I started coming out. Coming out is the hardest thing that I had to do ever. Coming out to me is like getting undressed in front of that person or persons because in a sense you are because you are bearing your very soul to that person or persons. One is making them self vulnerable by letting the cat out of the bag. When one is letting their real self out in the open you are exposing yourself and not may all agree with who you are portraying to be because they feel like either way they were being duped. They feel like either all these years you were fooling them or now you are but either way they feel like we transpeople are the deceiver. But in the world where everyone is being who the world saw them as and where one is so willing and able to show who they are in the inside it makes them think about the real person they truly are and makes them face their own identity and that just makes them so very uncomfortable but that is their own problem not mine or any other transperson. People's perception of how a transperson looks like and acts like is so messy and askew that I my task as a transperson is to change the perception of a transperson that Hollywood has gotten so very wrong for so many years and people like Dr. John Money. Money has gotten a lot of people to believe that one chooses their gender identity and sexual orientation even though he has passed over 8 yrs ago. He grew up in a Evangelical family that taught these very beliefs that though he had dropped that religion long ago.
So anyways seeing this episode on Everybody Loves Raymond brought up some memories that made me think that not having people who had once upon a time been very involved in my life not being in my life anymore. That made me cry so very hard and that is one part of my struggle in transitioning is not having family in my life. That is one of the very reasons why we have to go to therapy to help us through our grieving moments and to also make sure this is right for us to transition and I know in my heart of hearts it is so right for me. My gender dysphoria is forever in me till I transition all the way and these days it is getting more intense. Have a great weekend all and thank you for taking your time with me and my journey of entering upon the sacred world of womanhood. Thank you to all the woman that have let me into the exclusive club of womanhood. Love you all my sisters!!! -Sara Ashley Cole |
"the holidays"
With the holidays around the corner it is a gentle reminder that me being without the majority of my family and depression is still there. Now most of the year it seems that is in the background but as it moves closer to the holidays it slowly is coming back. Most of them disowned me because of my gender identity. You see that I grew up in a extremely Christian Conservative Fundamentalist background and they frown upon anything and anyone identifying as LGBT. My depression is not only stemmed from my gender dysphoria but also being disowned from my family. Being isolated from family only fuels my gender dysphoria all the more. What also increases the gender dysphoria is seeing cisgendered women pregnant. You see ever since I was a little kid before I even knew the differences between male and female that I have wanted to be a mother and being pregnant. I have always been drawn to what society deemed for a normative female. For instance I have always wanted a Barbie, dolls, doll carrier, My Little Pony to name a few but knew better to ask them being that my father would tell me that they are for girls and not boys and that I am a boy. You see he was raised in a society when it was considered by the majority even more than now that one being LGBT was thought of as a sin and that you would go straight to hell. Then it go to the point where you were considered mentally unstable so that it was not a choice but a disorder. It was all because back then in his days and my earlier days majority of world identified as "Christian." Now I see "Christian" as a very bad connatation because it simply leaves me with a very bad taste in mouth one that I need to rinse myself of and that is why I do not claim the little moniker of "Christian." I do however call myself a "Progressive Christian" though. I feel like the little word, Progressive implies that I am a "real Christian." To me the idea of being a Christian is being Christ-Like. Christ himself simply loved people and in fact he loved those especially those that society claimed unlovable. He made the outcast in society feel worthy of being loved. In fact Christianity was meant for the outcast and today's so-called "Christian" is more like the Pharisees placing burdens on society that they simply can't follow or even follow themselves. I feel as though they miss the boat so to speak when trying to be a Christian.
Well anyways writing gives me an avenue to which I can share my thoughts to help you out and get a better understanding of what the trans community goes through which also in turn helps me when I am feeling blue. I have always and still want to help others. To me helping humanity cleanses the pallet of the soul which is way better then hurting someone with words or worse physically which that only muddies the pallet of the soul to me. Anyways I hope you all learn the inner workings of a trans person and if you are having the same issues as me and feel trapped in the wrong body I hope that my page helps you figure it all out. -Sara Ashley Cole |
"sara's coming out"
Normally I post my own stuff but in a way I still am but I am going to use an excerpt from my coming out story from my original Facebook account that I used to let them in on situation that I have been in. Now when I say "Original Facebook" I am referring to the one that I created long ago before I came out and so I when I came out to myself I created a new one. I felt like I needed a clean slate to speak of so I created the one that I am currently using living my authentic life on there and showing the world what transsexuality looks like. So here anyways the rest of my post will consist of that except that I alluded earlier in this piece. So here it goes...
I'm not sure who all has seen my changes on here. So here it goes. All of my life I have felt that there is something wrong with me and felt depressed, angry, and miserable and have been bullied for much of my life and never knew truly why I felt this way at all. I searched for an identity to who I am and felt lost all of my life till September of 2012 that I have always been a girl, one that that had been trying to be a boy. I know that some of you will not agree with me and my decision and that is alright because we have not been friends at all, or family accept for sharing blood. Now if you accept me in some way or all the way then you truly love me for who I am. I made my decision back in September of 2012 to transition to a girl and completely accept who I am fully back in November of that same year after a botched attempt of ending my life that is when I realized that I am meant for something better in life and that is when God let me in what my purpose in life is and that is to educate to the world about transsexuality and a short time later let me know that I am suppose to also help spread love for the LGBT which by the way stands for those that do not know stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transsexual. I choose the word transsexual over the word transgender because transgender encompasses so many identities under the rainbow and that could be any where from transvestites, genderfluid, genderfuck but transsexual is a very specific which one feels that they are as in my case a female as my mind tells me and that has their sex which is dealing with genitalia which mine is male which makes me a transsexual female. The mind is mapped at an early age and so can't be changed but the body can to make them congruent with each other. So I have made this decision and will not back down once centimeter from it either. There is scientific knowledge out there that states that one simply doesn't choose their gender identity or sexual orientation and that they are not intertwined with each other. I didn't figure out my sexual orientation till almost a year of socially transitioning to living my life as the girl that I have always been to almost a year into it and realized that I am a bisexual meaning that I am attracted to both men and women but lean way much closer to women meaning that I would be more comfortable being in a lesbian relationship then in a heterosexual one. I am into both Cisgender men and women but transsexual men and women too but more comfortable being in a relationship with other transsexuals being that we understand what each other are going through. Cisgender is how one is their sex at birth like Britney Spears for instance and identifies as a female making her a Cisgender Female. To those that end their relationship with me for transitioning rather it be family or friends here and in life I say good bye to you all and good luck with the rest of your life and to those that choose to continue their relationship with me then I say to you I love you and so glad that you accept me for who I am then I will direct you to my current FB so we can continue our friendship on that one. Peace to you. I am just following God more these days and trusting God all so much more than ever before. As it says in Matthew 7 do not judge or you shall be judged.
Gary Coldiron Jr.
PS. I will sometime in the future change my name to Sara Ashley Cole and my gender marker to female legally to reflect who I am in the inside as I am on the outside already. Yes I do plan on having the surgery which is called Sex Reassignment Surgery or SRS and I will do Hormone Replacement Surgery (HRT) to make me start to feel like who I am in the inside. I need to do this for me. If I do not do this then I know deep down from the very pit of my soul that I would commit suicide so I choose to live which means that I will transition. I love life more than ever before but need to heal mentally and emotionally so I can move more closer to where I need to.
I used my legal name so they those friends from my original one would recognize the author who wrote this and yet while it is still my legal name it is the one that with each passing day that I am becoming detached more and more. So anyways I will be changing my legal name to Sara Ashley Cole when I have the money to do so.
Anyways I have a 2nd interview thanks to your prayers so I will be needing more prayers that I do well on the 2nd phase of this interview and get hired. I feel like this is the perfect fit for me as it seems that most there treat me as the woman that I am and not this freak who "tries" to be a girl which is way cool to me. When I checked in I used my legal name as it is the formality but quickly the Chef that interviewed me referred to me as Sara which really validates me as the girl that I am. Though I say I do not need to be validated by anyone other than me it does feel great when I do get validate like icing on the cake so to speak. Love you all and thank you for being my loyal visitors.
-Sara Ashley Cole
I'm not sure who all has seen my changes on here. So here it goes. All of my life I have felt that there is something wrong with me and felt depressed, angry, and miserable and have been bullied for much of my life and never knew truly why I felt this way at all. I searched for an identity to who I am and felt lost all of my life till September of 2012 that I have always been a girl, one that that had been trying to be a boy. I know that some of you will not agree with me and my decision and that is alright because we have not been friends at all, or family accept for sharing blood. Now if you accept me in some way or all the way then you truly love me for who I am. I made my decision back in September of 2012 to transition to a girl and completely accept who I am fully back in November of that same year after a botched attempt of ending my life that is when I realized that I am meant for something better in life and that is when God let me in what my purpose in life is and that is to educate to the world about transsexuality and a short time later let me know that I am suppose to also help spread love for the LGBT which by the way stands for those that do not know stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transsexual. I choose the word transsexual over the word transgender because transgender encompasses so many identities under the rainbow and that could be any where from transvestites, genderfluid, genderfuck but transsexual is a very specific which one feels that they are as in my case a female as my mind tells me and that has their sex which is dealing with genitalia which mine is male which makes me a transsexual female. The mind is mapped at an early age and so can't be changed but the body can to make them congruent with each other. So I have made this decision and will not back down once centimeter from it either. There is scientific knowledge out there that states that one simply doesn't choose their gender identity or sexual orientation and that they are not intertwined with each other. I didn't figure out my sexual orientation till almost a year of socially transitioning to living my life as the girl that I have always been to almost a year into it and realized that I am a bisexual meaning that I am attracted to both men and women but lean way much closer to women meaning that I would be more comfortable being in a lesbian relationship then in a heterosexual one. I am into both Cisgender men and women but transsexual men and women too but more comfortable being in a relationship with other transsexuals being that we understand what each other are going through. Cisgender is how one is their sex at birth like Britney Spears for instance and identifies as a female making her a Cisgender Female. To those that end their relationship with me for transitioning rather it be family or friends here and in life I say good bye to you all and good luck with the rest of your life and to those that choose to continue their relationship with me then I say to you I love you and so glad that you accept me for who I am then I will direct you to my current FB so we can continue our friendship on that one. Peace to you. I am just following God more these days and trusting God all so much more than ever before. As it says in Matthew 7 do not judge or you shall be judged.
Gary Coldiron Jr.
PS. I will sometime in the future change my name to Sara Ashley Cole and my gender marker to female legally to reflect who I am in the inside as I am on the outside already. Yes I do plan on having the surgery which is called Sex Reassignment Surgery or SRS and I will do Hormone Replacement Surgery (HRT) to make me start to feel like who I am in the inside. I need to do this for me. If I do not do this then I know deep down from the very pit of my soul that I would commit suicide so I choose to live which means that I will transition. I love life more than ever before but need to heal mentally and emotionally so I can move more closer to where I need to.
I used my legal name so they those friends from my original one would recognize the author who wrote this and yet while it is still my legal name it is the one that with each passing day that I am becoming detached more and more. So anyways I will be changing my legal name to Sara Ashley Cole when I have the money to do so.
Anyways I have a 2nd interview thanks to your prayers so I will be needing more prayers that I do well on the 2nd phase of this interview and get hired. I feel like this is the perfect fit for me as it seems that most there treat me as the woman that I am and not this freak who "tries" to be a girl which is way cool to me. When I checked in I used my legal name as it is the formality but quickly the Chef that interviewed me referred to me as Sara which really validates me as the girl that I am. Though I say I do not need to be validated by anyone other than me it does feel great when I do get validate like icing on the cake so to speak. Love you all and thank you for being my loyal visitors.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"A mixed bag"
What is my identity? To me it all depends on who you are asking. It is a very mixed bag. To some I have and will always be a female, some would say that I am a man and that will never change no matter how much hormones I take and neither does it matter on how many surgeries I will endure but I will always be a man to them. There is some that say that I am a very feminine male that is gay. Some say that I am neither male or female and that I am some where in the gender spectrum. But to me it really truly doesn't matter because my validation is only needed from one source other than God's and that person is "ME!!!" I came into this world alone when I was born on August 18th in 1977 and yes I had parents but they were already here on earth so I came by myself when I entered this life and will depart the same way. So in the end I have to live for myself and myself alone. Yes I do have people out there that genuinely love me for who I am and others that depend on me with me being one of the leaders of the trans community but there are times that I need to be alone when I am on this journey that I am on, one that God, herself placed me on long ago. One that I refused for many years to be on and placed others above God when I did that many times over. By placing others yeah even my own family over God I committed a serious offense against God herself. I committed the act of Idol Worship. Idol worship is simply worshiping anyone or thing over God.As it says in Exodus 20:3 "Do not have any Gods before me." With me doing just that very act I was committing idol worship. It also states in Exodus 15:11 "Who among the gods is like you, LORD? Who is like you-- majestic in holiness, awesome in glory, working wonders? There is no one that was simply created that can even come close to compare to the majestic that God possesses. So why look to anyone or anything in that matter to place above God at all? As one can see I am a Christian but I do at the same time take offense to being called a Christian because it has a bad taste in one's mouth. Because when you hear the word "Christian" you tend to think of someone that judges people when they do not match up to the set of rules that is taught in your typical church one that I have labeled many times over as a "Christian Fundamentalist Churches." Back in the day not long ago I used to attend one of these churches and that was before I came out as a transsexual. You see that I left that church which by the way is North Central Church of Christ in Bloomington, IN the one that has the giraffe in the backyard if you live here in town. That is bad when that church is known simply for that giraffe and nothing else at all. They act like they are teaching God's Word and following Jesus but they are so hypocritical when they teach one thing and do another. Like they preach against anyone that is active in the LGBT Community. My own Senior Minister at the time whose name is Clay Humphreys for those in town who says that being gay you are an abomination for such provocative acts and are destined for the gates of hell. Back when I still attended that church and at the same time was living part time as Sara, the Sara that you all know and seem to love he invited me to eat lunch on him one Saturday afternoon and I knew why he did that too. I even got to choose the place and agreed on the time to meet. So we ate a very nice meal and was wondering when we would seriously talk. He brought up a friend of mine who not even a month since he committed suicide and quickly blamed him for why he committed suicide which is quite wrong to do and then he turned to me and said "I heard that you are living contrary to what the bible teaches." I responded by stating "That he wouldn't understand and that I didn't feel comfortable talking to him about it." He then said "That anytime that I am ready to talk about it that he is always ready." He then asked if I would come to church the next day and I told him I would but never returned. I thought about that last statement and remember how he taught that if one has a problem with a brother or sister that you should not come to me but to that person and yet that is not what he did in my situation at all. And another situation that I have a problem with is that my own father has a problem with "His Son" wearing a dress but whenever there has been either a female member or visitor wearing a tie he never confronts them for that, And it states in their bible in Deuteronomy 22:5 that men shouldn't wear female clothing nor should a female wear men clothing and they do not follow that last half at all. That scripture is so misplaced in that area that I feel that is an add-on to which I do not agree with at all and it is an opinion because there was really no distinction between men and women's article of clothing. Back then the only difference was that a man's cloak tied in front where women's didn't so that is clearly an add-on verse in the bible. Of course with me being a feminist I think women can wear anything she so chooses and I will occasionally wear a skirt suit sporting a necktie. We women and I mean all women not just transwomen can wear one too if we so choose to. I hope this article gives you all some more insight to me and my journey and how I identify and how the world simply sees us. Whenever you meet a transwoman I implore you to try and get to know her as a person first and try your best to accept her and her journey that she is on. Thank you all and have a great night tonight.
-Sara Ashley Cole
PS. I have a job interview in the morning and so I am asking for prayers for a successful interview and if this is the job that God has chosen for me that I follow her and that she leads me to and if not then that I will be enlightened to where I am to work at and boldly follow God and her dreams for me to follow. In Jesus name, Amen!
-Sara Ashley Cole
PS. I have a job interview in the morning and so I am asking for prayers for a successful interview and if this is the job that God has chosen for me that I follow her and that she leads me to and if not then that I will be enlightened to where I am to work at and boldly follow God and her dreams for me to follow. In Jesus name, Amen!
"let's end bullying once and for all"
I personally believe that a lot of the bullying stems from Fundamentalists churches. Now I know there is a thing such as "Separation from Church and State" but we need to find a legal loop hole involving churches that teach hatred on certain groups such as the LGBT Community, Trans Community, Abortion just to name a few. Now I do know that churches are protected but we got to find a way end their reign of terror. Now I know when you think of church, you think of God, Jesus, love but one that has experienced churches like this as I have I do have some credibility. I grew up going to churches that are Church of Christ which are all about living a traditional way of life. They are dead set against anything and anyone that is not living their life traditionally. Like that it for me for instance me being a transsexual bisexual female that I am they say that I not living a traditional way of life. They say that I am going against God and that I am going to hell for "choosing" to be a transsexual female and living my life as a girl that I am going against God's Design me for me. That the old testament is so chalk full of scriptures that if one is going against God they are to be stoned to death. Those Fundamentalists still believe that one is to be stoned to death for not following God's Commandments. Now not all feel this way but there are the extremists and the extremists that it way too far. They seem to have forgotten that Jesus came to fulfill the law meaning that we do not go by the law and you can however choose to follow the old law but with caution because if you choose to then you gotta do it all the way or not at all. You see the Old Law is not easy at all to follow which is why most choose to follow the New one because Jesus died so that we can have it easier.
So anyways I think that we need to construct a law which I would call it the "God Law." The God Law would state that God is all about loving and if there is a statement used in church of any kind that hates on a group and shows proof that they condone any kind of violence or that it leads to an act of violence then the Minister can be arrested for being a leader of violence. The Police can be at any church any given worship assembly or worship services in uncover and could be anybody that looks like a visitor and simply waits till church is over and arrest the Minister or sometime during the week and they can have access to the membership there at all churches and who all visited and if anyone at their church is seen on a list that did the hate-filled sermons then they can closely monitor these type of churches and then they can shut down these churches that are in multiple offenses.
I am just so sick and tired of all the bullying not only the bullying that I am personally taking on but more importantly the others that face it. I want to end bullying of all kinds and think the church is the fundamentalist ones like for instance Westborro Baptist for an example should be shut down permanently plain and simple. Thank you all for taking your time to read my posts and checking out my website.
-Sara Ashley Cole
So anyways I think that we need to construct a law which I would call it the "God Law." The God Law would state that God is all about loving and if there is a statement used in church of any kind that hates on a group and shows proof that they condone any kind of violence or that it leads to an act of violence then the Minister can be arrested for being a leader of violence. The Police can be at any church any given worship assembly or worship services in uncover and could be anybody that looks like a visitor and simply waits till church is over and arrest the Minister or sometime during the week and they can have access to the membership there at all churches and who all visited and if anyone at their church is seen on a list that did the hate-filled sermons then they can closely monitor these type of churches and then they can shut down these churches that are in multiple offenses.
I am just so sick and tired of all the bullying not only the bullying that I am personally taking on but more importantly the others that face it. I want to end bullying of all kinds and think the church is the fundamentalist ones like for instance Westborro Baptist for an example should be shut down permanently plain and simple. Thank you all for taking your time to read my posts and checking out my website.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"Stuck between 2 worlds"
For those that do not know what it is like to be a transsexual you have no clue at all. Legally I am still known as Gary L. Coldiron, Jr. and my legal sex still being male but I am so at a disconnect with both. I have been going by Sara Ashley Cole who identifies as female socially. But the law has me still has me going by my legal and I know that is how transsexuals have to do until they can have their identities changed but it frustrates me so very much but also makes me extremely depressed at the same time. Making me go by my legal name and sex simply makes my gender dysphoria get worse by the day. I am not saying that I am special but I do think the system is very much broken and needs to be changed for those that do not fit into these neatly designed social structures at all and I am not the only one. I have many friends in the trans community both of whom I have met locally and online in various social media sites with many from Facebook alone. Why force us into the neatly constructed boxes? Is it because of these so-called traditionalists or these Christian Fundamentalists or Conservatives or all the above? I think the question to me is all the above. Why can't they just accept that many do not fit these at all and let us be. But that would be too easy and plus make them extremely uncomfortable. So uncomfortable there is no hate crimes or very little it seems because that is how they simply want it. They simply want us to go away either by suicide, conform, and if they do not get it either way then simply murder us and not get punished for their crimes or not as bad. They think that we are subhuman and do not deserve to live at all. They simply see us as perverts, sick in the head, rapist, child molesters and think that we deserve our fate which is our own demise plain and simple. That is why we need laws that need to be changed so that we can also live our lives and on our terms not theirs plain and simple. I am so sick and tired having to go by my legal name and sex just to appease them plain and simple. They made me so very uncomfortable for long enough and now it is their time to be made to feel that way. Now time to get off my soap box. Thank you all and hope you are all having a great week and have a great weekend.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"what christianity?"
When I ask what Christianity I am referencing those fundamentalists. So before you go on getting all riled up about that statement I though I would clarify myself clearing before you start going off. Those fundamentalist are all about stockpiling all kinds of rules and regulations that would hold you down even more than wearing A Medieval Full Armour and you thought that was heavy but with all the burdens that a fundamentalists lays on one is simply worse than a Full Armour of that time period plain and simple. Those kind of people upset Jesus all the time. These days the word "Christian" gives off a very bad odor to people. When most think of the word "Christian" it gives them a bad taste in their mouth. It is all because when one hears the word "Christian" they quickly think of people that go around and judging you and stating that one is going to hell all because you don't follow their brand of Christianity. So that is why I no longer go by the word Christian to describe me I do not want to be all lumped in with their judgmental ways especially when it comes to my transsexuality which I didn't choose at all. But I do however go by Progressive Christian to differentiate myself from their brand of what it means to be a Christian. A Christian is to be Christlike but for them it is just a word and they are a social club. They are a social club that makes girls like me feel unwanted, diseased, and hated on for simply being different. They see me living a unChristlike way of life. They say that I choose to be a transsexual which is quite ludicrous to me. If only they knew what we girls go through to be us they would see all the hardship that we have to endure just to live life day to day. We have to earn a living just like anyone else but we can be fired for simply being ourselves. We can lose our families like I did for the most part with only sticking around and showing me unconditional love unlike the rest that only loved me conditionally. When I came out as being a transsexual female and letting them in on my plans to transition all the way they acted as though that I am a piece of trash and cast me aside for simply wanting to live an honest life for a change. My own dad wanted me to keep it a secret of me being a girl trapped in the wrong body all because it would give him shame. I can't help who I am, I was simply born this way and there is no way of changing that plain and simple and yet they do not want to know that. I have been threatened with acts of physical violence on me all because I am a transsexual and my threats have ranged from being beaten up to people wanting to end my life because they are uncomfortable being around me. Just think someone wants to end my life all because of me living an honest life. To me that is unfathomable that I did absolutely no wrong and yet they want to end my life. Now it is the election that has something to do with it being that there is a battle who becomes in power or who keeps it. Those closest to me know that not only am I a Liberal but extremely Liberal as I am a Socialist and politically I have my Liberals in charge of the Senate and have President Obama and we are a little behind in the House going into the election but we are also have a threat of losing control over the Senate and with lots of people seemingly unhappy with Obama it looks like that will also go to the Conservatives as well. Lots of blame is going to Obama all because his hands are being tied because the Republicans hold the purse strings because of their control over the House. If we do not act fast all the progress that we the Trans Community and LGBT do not act we will lose all the hard work and progress we made in gaining ground and lose all that hard work if they the Republicans get in charge of our country. I hope that I do not offend some here because not all Republicans are bad some want change like us so they are conservative fiscally but socially are just as Liberal as we are. So I'm sorry if it appears that I have lumped you all together so I had to clarify this right now before it gets out of hand here. I just feel that a lot of Republicans and their voters are much like the Fundamentalists so the ones that do not want progress in both camps are against we the trans community and LGBT community. Anyways time to get off my soap box here. Thank you and have a great day!!! :) <3
-Progressive Christian, Democrat, Socialist, Transsexual Female,
Sara Ashley Cole
-Progressive Christian, Democrat, Socialist, Transsexual Female,
Sara Ashley Cole
"sensitive soul"
As the title suggests I am a sensitive soul one that cares about people and have always been that way. That is part of my makeup that makes me a transsexual female. I have always been naturally feminine and no matter how hard I tried to hide that it always managed to slip out. You see you would try too hide it if one were raised in a very extremely Christian Conservative Fundamentalist home where the unquestioned leader was my dad. He is very much the typical traditional male that grew up in the south and had a military father who of course is also conservative too. He grew up in a very strict environment that is extremely Christian and Conservative. So he was lead to believe and ingrained in him the traditional way of life. So of course he was taught that by all accounts the traditional way of life was the only way to live one’s life. Traditional way of life meaning that marriage is only between one man and one woman. That also meant the gender that you are “born” as is the gender you are no matter what. It didn’t matter if you felt that you are a woman trapped in the wrong body that you just dealt with it and be a man. But being a man that I tried for so many years to being was slowly killing me and the world has got to know that too as well. But there are people out there that are extremely uncomfortable for what they see as a man wearing a dress or that it is funny and comical. But either way it is so unsettling for the world to see us as some kind of anomaly. But we are humans first and foremost. There are people that are fighting so very hard to keep traditional alive but that is only good if it doesn’t keep the person from being who they are deep down. I am who I am and that is not going to change and I am not going away and backing down no matter what. And if there is a hell and I do mean “IF” because I do not believe in a physical place called hell then I will go because I am comfortable with that possibility. Because why would I want to go to a place where those that hate on girls like me anyways? What God would be so evil and hateful that is their god not the God that I worship that is so full of love and I do mean love for everyone not a select few. For people that are so uncomfortable with being around me they can simply have nothing to do with me and not talk to me at all. Like an old adage suggests and I try my best to follow it goes something like this: If you can’t say something nice then say nothing at all. Another one that was taught to me long ago is this: MYOB: which stands for Mind your own business. Those two were instilled in me by my 3rd grade teacher Mrs. Elkins. I will never forget those two ever and will go to my grave with those sayings in my mind.
-Sara Ashley Cole (excerpt from my blog on Word Press which can be found at saraashleycole.wordpress.com)
-Sara Ashley Cole (excerpt from my blog on Word Press which can be found at saraashleycole.wordpress.com)
"What is gender dysphoria?"
What is gender dysphoria one might. Well let me tell you what it personally means to me. Gender dysphoria is a disconnect between one's perceived sex, my case being that I am seen as a male but my gender that I identify as is female thus making me a transsexual female. Back when I realized and came out to myself I knew that I badly needed to commence HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). I need to do this because I need to make my body congruent to my mind because my mind has been mapped which is done so very early in life as the scientific evidence that is out there states. By being able to start HRT my body can start to be congruent with the mind. Eventually I will need to have SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery) to make me complete, fulfilled, to make me lead a healthier way of life one that is confident in leading her life in the correct direction, one that is following God.
Seeing/hearing trans friends have either HRT or SRS makes me jealous and heightens my gender dysphoria but at the same time I am happy for them but makes me very uneasy when it comes to my own life and being trapped in my own body. I know that I am a female but that still doesn't quite do it for me because my own body is constantly screaming for Estrogen. Even seeing a pregnant woman even sends me through the roof because I too want to experience so that even makes me take notice of my gender dysphoria.
Since being verbally threatened by those that can't see past their own vision of me being a man wearing women's clothing wanting to end my life because I make them uncomfortable being around me, I can't even begin to work on continuing to put my life together. Yes, I was able to get off the streets but I can't even have a normal routine out of the fear of my life. For those that do not even know about trans people and fear from those that possess transphobia you have no clue at all what that's like at all. But transphobia is the fear of being around trans people. Now it can be either transphobia, or homophobia but let me add another term that I like to introduce. This phobia is LGBTphobia which is the term that I am coining. This fear being around those that are LGBT. I thought since it could be either Transphobia or homophobia which we are not quite sure which it is so hence the term LGBTphobia to be inclusive which is what the LGBT is all about these days but that is my opinion so I can't speak for everybody. Well anyway not being able to do my normal routine it is hard to know when it is a good time to leave my apartment since these people that want to bring me harm have nothing better to do in their own miserable life at all. That is so sad they have no lives at all so they want me to be miserable just like them. I also since I am on Section 8 and no way of earning money right now need to have like the Perry Township where I reside in Bloomington, Indiana to pay for my rent this month so in exchange I need to do some volunteer work because of them assisting me with rent. Well that is kind of hard to do when I am not sure when I can leave for the day because of them wanting to bring harm my way that is the anti Trans people at my apartment complex. I tried bringing this to my Building Manager's attention but she says every single time to call the police but when I talk to them they say they need physical evidence like a bruise or a note left under my door. I said to them in closing I hope that you do not see me the next time in the Morgue's Office meaning that I would be dead from their attack trying to bring a sense of urgency. By not being able to look for work I can't find a job which would pay me allowing me to commence physically transitioning which my body badly needs. So I need to remove these obstacles, these antitrans people out of my way in order for me to continue on with my transitioning which by the way is only socially transitioning. This is the reason why we so badly need to spread the word about bringing equality for all the Hoosier Trans here and all over the world as well. Thank you all!
-Sara Ashley Cole
Seeing/hearing trans friends have either HRT or SRS makes me jealous and heightens my gender dysphoria but at the same time I am happy for them but makes me very uneasy when it comes to my own life and being trapped in my own body. I know that I am a female but that still doesn't quite do it for me because my own body is constantly screaming for Estrogen. Even seeing a pregnant woman even sends me through the roof because I too want to experience so that even makes me take notice of my gender dysphoria.
Since being verbally threatened by those that can't see past their own vision of me being a man wearing women's clothing wanting to end my life because I make them uncomfortable being around me, I can't even begin to work on continuing to put my life together. Yes, I was able to get off the streets but I can't even have a normal routine out of the fear of my life. For those that do not even know about trans people and fear from those that possess transphobia you have no clue at all what that's like at all. But transphobia is the fear of being around trans people. Now it can be either transphobia, or homophobia but let me add another term that I like to introduce. This phobia is LGBTphobia which is the term that I am coining. This fear being around those that are LGBT. I thought since it could be either Transphobia or homophobia which we are not quite sure which it is so hence the term LGBTphobia to be inclusive which is what the LGBT is all about these days but that is my opinion so I can't speak for everybody. Well anyway not being able to do my normal routine it is hard to know when it is a good time to leave my apartment since these people that want to bring me harm have nothing better to do in their own miserable life at all. That is so sad they have no lives at all so they want me to be miserable just like them. I also since I am on Section 8 and no way of earning money right now need to have like the Perry Township where I reside in Bloomington, Indiana to pay for my rent this month so in exchange I need to do some volunteer work because of them assisting me with rent. Well that is kind of hard to do when I am not sure when I can leave for the day because of them wanting to bring harm my way that is the anti Trans people at my apartment complex. I tried bringing this to my Building Manager's attention but she says every single time to call the police but when I talk to them they say they need physical evidence like a bruise or a note left under my door. I said to them in closing I hope that you do not see me the next time in the Morgue's Office meaning that I would be dead from their attack trying to bring a sense of urgency. By not being able to look for work I can't find a job which would pay me allowing me to commence physically transitioning which my body badly needs. So I need to remove these obstacles, these antitrans people out of my way in order for me to continue on with my transitioning which by the way is only socially transitioning. This is the reason why we so badly need to spread the word about bringing equality for all the Hoosier Trans here and all over the world as well. Thank you all!
-Sara Ashley Cole
"Pre-coming Coming out"
Before coming out there were some feelings that I was having thus the reason that I came out. The best way to describe these feelings I had before coming out are in this song by Linkin Park called Crawling. Here are the lyrics: "Crawling"
[Chorus:]
Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling. I can't seem...
[Bridge:]
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
[Chorus]
Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...
[Bridge]
[Chorus]
[Chorus]
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface consuming,
Confusing what is real.
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending controlling,
Confusing what is real.
But the more that I am true to myself showing authenticity to the world these feelings have slowly gone away. Coming out who I am and living life, my life and on my terms I no longer feel the walls closing in on me. Before I was feeling that I was suffocating in my own person prison cell with the walls closing on me. Not being able to live my own life and on my terms is no way to live one's life.
Society has a way to cripple anyone those who dare to be different. Long ago society developed long ago these boxes for which one can check off one is the male box and the other female box. If one's sexual orientation was straight then one is alright to live in this world. But if one lives outside these boxes even slightly they are in danger of their life. They could lose their very life like Matthew Shepard did. He was only being true to himself and lost his very life at the hands of those that were uncomfortable being around him all because of his sexual orientation so they took him of the world. Though it got them life in prison I am sure they still feel it was worth it because they no longer have to see him. People like that need to be taken out of this world not Matthew Shepard or girls like me. They are the epitome of pure utter evil. Wanting to end his life all because of his sexual orientation.
Happy National Coming Out to you all!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
[Chorus:]
Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
Controlling. I can't seem...
[Bridge:]
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
[Chorus]
Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem...
[Bridge]
[Chorus]
[Chorus]
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface consuming,
Confusing what is real.
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending controlling,
Confusing what is real.
But the more that I am true to myself showing authenticity to the world these feelings have slowly gone away. Coming out who I am and living life, my life and on my terms I no longer feel the walls closing in on me. Before I was feeling that I was suffocating in my own person prison cell with the walls closing on me. Not being able to live my own life and on my terms is no way to live one's life.
Society has a way to cripple anyone those who dare to be different. Long ago society developed long ago these boxes for which one can check off one is the male box and the other female box. If one's sexual orientation was straight then one is alright to live in this world. But if one lives outside these boxes even slightly they are in danger of their life. They could lose their very life like Matthew Shepard did. He was only being true to himself and lost his very life at the hands of those that were uncomfortable being around him all because of his sexual orientation so they took him of the world. Though it got them life in prison I am sure they still feel it was worth it because they no longer have to see him. People like that need to be taken out of this world not Matthew Shepard or girls like me. They are the epitome of pure utter evil. Wanting to end his life all because of his sexual orientation.
Happy National Coming Out to you all!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
"advice 4 trans allies"
Though I am happy to have allies for the trans community but there is something that needs to be said and now! When a trans person comes to you and says that they are in danger of their lives for their gender identity and expression they are not blowing up a situation and more than likely they are being more than bullied. Ask them for their details of why they feel that they are being targeted for such violence and let them show you the evidence that backs up that very statement. By brushing off our fears as something that is only bullying that person that came to you can be dead or at the very least hurt majorly. I know that seems hard to imagine but place yourself in that person's heels/shoes for a minute. How would you feel that you are a threat to someone who simply will not accept you for who you are and want to end your life or at least hurt you very badly for simply living an honest life, one that is showing authenticity to the world. Everyone deserves to live life on their terms not someone else's terms. Take them at face value for their blight they are in and gather the details. Find out how you can help them out and research avenues that can save that life from coming to an end and make them more at ease with their transition. Believe me because I feel like people do not take my personal story seriously or seriously enough and do not want to end up in a morgue because I didn't get the help that I need to get out of my own personal threat to my life by a group of people that are intolerant of me and my gender identity and gender expression. We can't help who we are and we didn't choose to live this life it simply choose us and we choose to accept who we are and took many of us a lot of time and exploration to do this and many more did but choose to end their life instead of facing all the hardship. A lot choose the "easy way" out instead of facing an uphill battle. Society is the one to blame for the trans community having to suffer and it was because of people like Dr. John Money who acted like an ally but really was a wolf in sheep's clothing. We are not doing anything wrong unlike when we tried so very hard to be someone that we are not at all. I lied to myself and many others for decades and that is wrong but it is because of society long ago setup the norms longs ago. But times are a changing, people change, and yes even God changes. We have more knowledge at our fingertips so please I implore you to educate yourself on the trans community. Have a great weekend and please do all you can to be an ally. National Coming Out day is tomorrow and try and even help them out tomorrow in celebrating authenticity with them.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"Sara's quotes 4 the day"
Be Proud of who you are and show the world authenticity and represent the Rainbow and Trans Community. Be Strong, Be You. Do not let anyone keep you from being authentic there is nothing wrong or shameful in being LGBT..Sara Ashlee Cole Oct. 11 2014...
"sara's Transition journey update"
Well for those that are aware of me and my journey to becoming the girl that I have always been inside you know the journey has its ups and downs. The ups being that I am finally being who I am meant to be and being authentic and real but the lows that I have are facing discrimination and my body constantly reminding me that I need to be on Estrogen and surgery to feel complete. But the worse thing to face more than discrimination is when you add being threatened with physical violence that is at least being beaten up or much worse killed for simply being someone they the ones that are threatened and insecure with you being a girl when they actually see you as a man trying to be a girl. There are 3 things that they take into account that makes them feel this way and here they are 1)religion- they feel that you are going against God and God's design of who you are to be and they feel that gender is determined by one fact and that is in one's chromosomes. 2) women- they feel that we are "pretending" to be a girl in order to get access to the bathroom and peep on them when using the facilities. 3) children- they feel that we are out "recruiting" them to being a transsexual or worse that we are pedophiles.
Now let me attack their 1st point. OK? There are many religions first off and now of them completely agree with each other and their theology. So there are variations to each one's theology. Your Fundamentalist churches believe that anything around the LGBT and being active in it is a sin. Well...1st let me attack this one now. OK? When you think about it gender identity and sexual orientation are not directly related. 1st off gender identity is who one feels they are internally. Like for me for instance. My mind has told me that I am a girl and have been told that to me for years. My heart and soul have done the same to me. God has been trying to get my attention for years. God has been tugging at my heart and telling me to simply trust her and that she will get me through it. All these years I have been God "NO!" And that I can do it on my own and I will be who the world saw me as which is a male. By me simply putting the world and my family included above God I have been violating a huge rule she has which is idol worship. Worshiping any creation, thing, or person other than God is a violation of that rule and I was guilty of that very thing for years. To me the most important approval that I sought out for was being accepted by family, friends, and society. In order for me to be accepted I had to be the male that I was assigned at birth and one that is a Christian. I was a "Good Sponge" for decades. Whatever I heard I soaked it all in and didn't even question it. But let me tell you what, God, she is very persistent. She will try for a while and then quit and come back later and try again till she gets your attention squarely on her. As you know she got my attention which is why I am transitioning to the girl that I have always been.
Now time for me to attack their 2nd point. OK? They think that we are simply perverts wanting to be in all the spaces that women have private from men. The only place that women have that is away from men is the restroom. But like any other women we transwomen use the restroom for the very same reason to go to the bathroom, to check our makeup and hair not to peak into the stalls where they are going to the bathroom. I have never been accused of doing just that, so point taken. OK?
Now for their 3rd argument so let me now attack that, K? They think that we are either out recruiting them to being transsexual or to molest them. So let me take that 1st option now, K? To outright accuse us for recruiting that argument is simply amazing that anyone can be that ignorant. 1st off being a transsexual is an extremely hard way for one to live their life. We stick out more than anyone and face discrimination every single day of our life. Before coming out as a transsexual even to myself I was bullied and picked on throughout my childhood and had absolutely no clue to why. I didn't do anything to receive that much hatred and wasn't many years later that I found out that was because I was simply different because of my gender identity. I battled for years struggling to find myself and why I had these feelings. There wasn't even a word in my vocabulary to what I was feeling from the very pit of my soul. Growing up in a Christian Conservative Fundamentalist environment I was taught that anyone that acted outside the boxes of straight male or female that one is going straight to hell for doing so. So I tried my very best to be the man that I was raised to being. But being that man that I simply have never truly identified as never fit me and put me into deep despair, depression, angry, and very miserable. You see what I have been suffering for all of my life like I stated earlier was from gender dysphoria. I will get right back to it later. Anyways I have lost not 1 but 2 jobs due to my gender identity though we are in the 2000s. Coming out is what I eventually did to my family and as you might seen happening, yes I lost them as I was disowned from them and that hurts more than one realizes. People whom you share your life's blood with that is supposed to love you unconditionally you find out that they actually loved you conditionally and now they want nothing to do with you that simply cuts to the very core of my very soul. Therapy that we are all required for those that want to go on hormones and even surgery this is the very reason why because it is a very hard way of life. Therapy has gotten me only have way through that hurt as my anger towards them is still there and that will take some time to lower that so I now try to live my life the best that I can. Then there is back to my friend, gender dysphoria which is my disconnect to my old life. I still have to go by my legal name when it is like even applying for a job or getting assistance from the government and even signing my legal name is hard for me to do as that is not who I am. Then there is when I find out that trans friends of mine that are on HRT or had SRS that sends me over the moon which makes my gender dysphoria get worse. Deep from within me I just want to at least commence HRT which I have been given the green light a while ago but need a job to be able to do so. Finding a job is hard enough but harder when you are homeless of which I am no longer. But I was starting to do what it takes to get me back on my feet then I was threatened with physical violence from people at my apartment complex after I responded back with my own derogatory commits about this woman that is uncomfortable with me and my gender identity and expression with words about her weight problems. I had heard that if one confronts their bully that most back down, well let me tell this that is plain ole hog wash for sure. By confronting her it made my situation much worse. So her and her friends who are much bigger than I are and continuing make me feel unsafe and afraid for at least having both legs broken or much worse and that is becoming a statistic which I am trying so very hard to not become one. So as one can see it is hard for me to do a routine being always on the lookout for them and wanting to end my life. By not being able to do a routine I can't even look for a job which would make me being able to transition physically like I deep down want inside. But right now I am taking care of business to hopefully make my life safe yet once again. Thank you all once again for the love and support and the prayers I truly appreciate them so very much. Hope to be winning soon enough.
-Sara Ashley Cole
Now let me attack their 1st point. OK? There are many religions first off and now of them completely agree with each other and their theology. So there are variations to each one's theology. Your Fundamentalist churches believe that anything around the LGBT and being active in it is a sin. Well...1st let me attack this one now. OK? When you think about it gender identity and sexual orientation are not directly related. 1st off gender identity is who one feels they are internally. Like for me for instance. My mind has told me that I am a girl and have been told that to me for years. My heart and soul have done the same to me. God has been trying to get my attention for years. God has been tugging at my heart and telling me to simply trust her and that she will get me through it. All these years I have been God "NO!" And that I can do it on my own and I will be who the world saw me as which is a male. By me simply putting the world and my family included above God I have been violating a huge rule she has which is idol worship. Worshiping any creation, thing, or person other than God is a violation of that rule and I was guilty of that very thing for years. To me the most important approval that I sought out for was being accepted by family, friends, and society. In order for me to be accepted I had to be the male that I was assigned at birth and one that is a Christian. I was a "Good Sponge" for decades. Whatever I heard I soaked it all in and didn't even question it. But let me tell you what, God, she is very persistent. She will try for a while and then quit and come back later and try again till she gets your attention squarely on her. As you know she got my attention which is why I am transitioning to the girl that I have always been.
Now time for me to attack their 2nd point. OK? They think that we are simply perverts wanting to be in all the spaces that women have private from men. The only place that women have that is away from men is the restroom. But like any other women we transwomen use the restroom for the very same reason to go to the bathroom, to check our makeup and hair not to peak into the stalls where they are going to the bathroom. I have never been accused of doing just that, so point taken. OK?
Now for their 3rd argument so let me now attack that, K? They think that we are either out recruiting them to being transsexual or to molest them. So let me take that 1st option now, K? To outright accuse us for recruiting that argument is simply amazing that anyone can be that ignorant. 1st off being a transsexual is an extremely hard way for one to live their life. We stick out more than anyone and face discrimination every single day of our life. Before coming out as a transsexual even to myself I was bullied and picked on throughout my childhood and had absolutely no clue to why. I didn't do anything to receive that much hatred and wasn't many years later that I found out that was because I was simply different because of my gender identity. I battled for years struggling to find myself and why I had these feelings. There wasn't even a word in my vocabulary to what I was feeling from the very pit of my soul. Growing up in a Christian Conservative Fundamentalist environment I was taught that anyone that acted outside the boxes of straight male or female that one is going straight to hell for doing so. So I tried my very best to be the man that I was raised to being. But being that man that I simply have never truly identified as never fit me and put me into deep despair, depression, angry, and very miserable. You see what I have been suffering for all of my life like I stated earlier was from gender dysphoria. I will get right back to it later. Anyways I have lost not 1 but 2 jobs due to my gender identity though we are in the 2000s. Coming out is what I eventually did to my family and as you might seen happening, yes I lost them as I was disowned from them and that hurts more than one realizes. People whom you share your life's blood with that is supposed to love you unconditionally you find out that they actually loved you conditionally and now they want nothing to do with you that simply cuts to the very core of my very soul. Therapy that we are all required for those that want to go on hormones and even surgery this is the very reason why because it is a very hard way of life. Therapy has gotten me only have way through that hurt as my anger towards them is still there and that will take some time to lower that so I now try to live my life the best that I can. Then there is back to my friend, gender dysphoria which is my disconnect to my old life. I still have to go by my legal name when it is like even applying for a job or getting assistance from the government and even signing my legal name is hard for me to do as that is not who I am. Then there is when I find out that trans friends of mine that are on HRT or had SRS that sends me over the moon which makes my gender dysphoria get worse. Deep from within me I just want to at least commence HRT which I have been given the green light a while ago but need a job to be able to do so. Finding a job is hard enough but harder when you are homeless of which I am no longer. But I was starting to do what it takes to get me back on my feet then I was threatened with physical violence from people at my apartment complex after I responded back with my own derogatory commits about this woman that is uncomfortable with me and my gender identity and expression with words about her weight problems. I had heard that if one confronts their bully that most back down, well let me tell this that is plain ole hog wash for sure. By confronting her it made my situation much worse. So her and her friends who are much bigger than I are and continuing make me feel unsafe and afraid for at least having both legs broken or much worse and that is becoming a statistic which I am trying so very hard to not become one. So as one can see it is hard for me to do a routine being always on the lookout for them and wanting to end my life. By not being able to do a routine I can't even look for a job which would make me being able to transition physically like I deep down want inside. But right now I am taking care of business to hopefully make my life safe yet once again. Thank you all once again for the love and support and the prayers I truly appreciate them so very much. Hope to be winning soon enough.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"advice 4 those that receive threat"
Being the target of threats for one's gender identity and expression there is so much fear then one could ever know. One should not have to even to begin to fear for one's safety for simply being true and authentic with their self or others. But we live in a society that is still using social norms that were put in place long ago though it is 2014. Today there still is 2 boxes one can be placed in one that is blue which is straight males and one that is pink which of course is for straight females. If one even remotely appears to be outside the norms then you can expect to eventually be a target to such bigotry. It doesn't matter how old or young they are or what gender they are at all. They the bigots fear what they do not understand and will not even bother to try to either. These people are stuck in their ways and were raised on tradition. Anyone that strays from a traditional way of life is a threat to them and they will do anything and I do mean anything to alleviate themselves from that rather it be legal or most cases illegal. They would rather go to prison for murder just to be rid of you and having to ever see you again. To them it is more than worth it plain and simple. They feel one way or another they will get the freedom they are seeking from anyone that is not traditional at all. Like I said they are all about traditional way of life. Their own comfort level is more important than your own comfort level of yourself. They would rather see us hide in the closet even if it meant that we choose to commit suicide because they would be free and clear of being around you the contamination the blot of society as they see us as or even a stain to society. They couldn't even begin to show an ounce of compassion to someone such as myself feeling that I am lost in my own body with my mind which is female already mapped that way and my body which is male not being congruent with one another.
Well...To get onto my purpose for this article is about dealing with violence and your apartment complex and police vertically doing nothing about it at all. With By being hands-off it appears that neither my apartment complex which is a business to make sure everyone is safe and the police also here to serve and protect which is their slogan doesn't care about our situation at all. But you do not have to be idle at all about your situation. There are people that can assist you with your present situation like the one that I am too well aware of being that I have received such violence even as small as receiving both verbal and non-verbal threats to me and my safety. I had attempted to contact my Building Managers and my Bloomington Police Department and they seem to quickly dismiss my worries as they can't do much for me at all. They both need some type of physical evidence that would suggest I am in grave danger for my life. I even left my meeting with the Bloomington Police Department that "I hope that the next meeting with you I am not in the Morgue Office." Meaning that I hope the next time that we meet I wouldn't be alive and murdered for simply trying to live my life and on my terms.
Since I came off the streets I thought life would be so much better that I can now slowly piece together back my life and that looking for a job would be the next step. But that once again has been put back on ice so I can take care this business and quickly as possible so I can be safe once again. I got off the streets thanks to the Bloomington Housing Authority (BHA) and so since my apartment complex, Walnut Grove Apartments will not do anything at this time and the Bloomington Police Department then the next step is to go to the BHA and let them know of my situation so they can be aware of and see how they can assist me right now and promptly too. I sent them an email letting them know just today right before posting this in fact. I will let you all know how they respond. Thank you all for following me and allowing me to educate you. Love you all! Hope to see you later too!
-Sara Ashley Cole
Well...To get onto my purpose for this article is about dealing with violence and your apartment complex and police vertically doing nothing about it at all. With By being hands-off it appears that neither my apartment complex which is a business to make sure everyone is safe and the police also here to serve and protect which is their slogan doesn't care about our situation at all. But you do not have to be idle at all about your situation. There are people that can assist you with your present situation like the one that I am too well aware of being that I have received such violence even as small as receiving both verbal and non-verbal threats to me and my safety. I had attempted to contact my Building Managers and my Bloomington Police Department and they seem to quickly dismiss my worries as they can't do much for me at all. They both need some type of physical evidence that would suggest I am in grave danger for my life. I even left my meeting with the Bloomington Police Department that "I hope that the next meeting with you I am not in the Morgue Office." Meaning that I hope the next time that we meet I wouldn't be alive and murdered for simply trying to live my life and on my terms.
Since I came off the streets I thought life would be so much better that I can now slowly piece together back my life and that looking for a job would be the next step. But that once again has been put back on ice so I can take care this business and quickly as possible so I can be safe once again. I got off the streets thanks to the Bloomington Housing Authority (BHA) and so since my apartment complex, Walnut Grove Apartments will not do anything at this time and the Bloomington Police Department then the next step is to go to the BHA and let them know of my situation so they can be aware of and see how they can assist me right now and promptly too. I sent them an email letting them know just today right before posting this in fact. I will let you all know how they respond. Thank you all for following me and allowing me to educate you. Love you all! Hope to see you later too!
-Sara Ashley Cole
"Racked with fear"
These days if you have realized lately on my updates with me and my journey to becoming the woman that I have always been you would know that I am racked with fear. I fear for my life all because these who I refer to as "Jackals or Hilljacks or even Hillbillies" are so uncomfortable with me and my gender identity and expression. It maybe because of their religious beliefs or their uncomfortable with their gender identity, or sexual orientation or quite both. Maybe they are deep down attracted to me and feel guilty and blame me for that but if that is so then why are they feeling guilty at all? There is no reason to be ashamed of your gender identity or sexual orientation. I believe a lot of the blame is the bible like in the Old Testament. Because of the Old Testament passages like Leviticus 18:22 having sexual relationships with even a transsexual is to them a sin and so punishable by death. There are only a few areas in the whole bible where it is talks about or refers to same sex relations and so I believe it was shoved in the bible with someone's feelings or beliefs so I would have to say it was an add-in plain and simple. But if that is the case so many have bought in to the concept that one being in the LGBT Community and acting on it as a sin so they feel it is their moral obligation to stone someone like me to death. They feel it is God's Will since I have lost my way according to them and unfixable so they feel that I need to die for my sins. But whatever is their reason my enemies hate on me simply because I am a transsexual and they clearly want me gone at all costs even if I have to die for that to happen. That is why I feel it is absolutely necessary to have Trans Equality for all Hoosiers so that way we become normalized into society which I know if that were to happen today it would take a long time for that to come into play. I feel that we badly need to make it a "Hate Crime" to any way shape or form if any harm comes from an attack of any kind to a trans person plain and simple and it is not just because of me though I do fixate the solution with me in mind but also my fellow Trans sisters and brothers. Too many of us die every year due to being murdered. To not cause any alarm but with every 3 days or 72 hrs there is a report of a trans person murdered which calculates to 130 approximately a year that is reported here in the US and know that number goes greatly up if we knew how many go unreported which doesn't sound a lot but way too many lose their lives for doing nothing to cause it in the 1st place. It is extremely important to make sure one that is outside the norm in any way to be extremely careful and taking the proper precautions to not becoming a statistic. I'm doing everything I can to alleviate the problem and simply lower my chances of me becoming a statistic. For anybody out there that is reading this please I urge you to say a little prayer for me so I can continue on with my life's journey to continuing my mission to assist the trans community without interruption and that I do not have my life end at the hands of my enemies. Thank you all and hopefully will have more to put on here in the future. Love all of my loyal followers and thank you for your support here.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"time 2 conceal"
There are going to be people out there that will absolutely reject one for being a transsexual. Whether it be for religious reasons or simply being out of ignorance. Anyone that is so willing to stick out and be different can be at risk so be careful. If someone that hates on you for simply being a transsexual and has nothing to lose they are the most dangerous plain and simple. If they are "Hillbillies/Hilljacks" then be well-aware of their potential danger. Look at anyone as a possible suspect for potential violence. Look at everyone's non-verbal cues and how they posture their bodies and go by gut-instinct it will never lie to you at all. Make sure you are armed with Pepper Spray and carry your cell phone with you and making sure it is charged at all times. Using your pepper spray and cell phone should deter most but make sure you know how to use the pepper spray to keep them at arm's length away. Before you get into an area that you know is dangerous make sure you are ready with your pepper spray. Hold your pepper spray with 4 fingers and place your thumb on the button that dislodges the solution and us the the other hand to shield the hand with the pepper spray and if necessary shoot them with the solution far away as possible and when you have hit your target take a step to your side because even when they are blind temporarily they know where your last step you take so by going to your side they now are at a huge disadvantage and bolt as fast as you can getting away from them as fast as possible to your destination to where you are away from them like your apartment and lock the door and don't leave if you can help it at all. You then need to call the police and let them know where you last seen them and give them your description of them too and where you encountered them and your current location so they can interview you and assist you so that you can be safe. I learned this after confronting my bully. I had learned for years that confronting your bully they would most likely back down but not all will so be careful doing so because then you will be like me and afraid for your life. Make sure you change your routine as often as possible too to keep them on their toes too and just maybe they give up. Just make sure you keep yourself safe and hopefully I will be writing more on here in the future. I too need to keep my safety especially that I am a really small and petite transsexual woman. Bye for now. God bless you and keep you.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
More moving on
Well there has been a lot of that is presently going on in the life of which I lead these days. I have these 2 FB accounts one that is my account for when I was trying to live my life as a male and then my current and real one. Well I use the other FB one for when and to whom I am ready to come out to and now that I got all the people out of the way that was most important to come out to I decided to come out to the rest all in one post. It reads...I'm not sure who all has seen my changes on here. So here it goes. All of my life I have felt that there is something wrong with me and felt depressed, angry, and miserable and have been bullied for much of my life and never knew truly why I felt this way at all. I searched for an identity to who I am and felt lost all of my life till September of 2012 that I have always been a girl, one that that had been trying to be a boy. I know that some of you will not agree with me and my decision and that is alright because we have not been friends at all, or family accept for sharing blood. Now if you accept me in some way or all the way then you truly love me for who I am. I made my decision back in September of 2012 to transition to a girl and completely accept who I am fully back in November of that same year after a botched attempt of ending my life that is when I realized that I am meant for something better in life and that is when God let me in what my purpose in life is and that is to educate to the world about transsexuality and a short time later let me know that I am suppose to also help spread love for the LGBT which by the way stands for those that do not know stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transsexual. I choose the word transsexual over the word transgender because transgender encompasses so many identities under the rainbow and that could be any where from transvestites, genderfluid, genderfuck but transsexual is a very specific which one feels that they are as in my case a female as my mind tells me and that has their sex which is dealing with genitalia which mine is male which makes me a transsexual female. The mind is mapped at an early age and so can't be changed but the body can to make them congruent with each other. So I have made this decision and will not back down once centimeter from it either. There is scientific knowledge out there that states that one simply doesn't choose their gender identity or sexual orientation and that they are not intertwined with each other. I didn't figure out my sexual orientation till almost a year of socially transitioning to living my life as the girl that I have always been to almost a year into it and realized that I am a bisexual meaning that I am attracted to both men and women but lean way much closer to women meaning that I would be more comfortable being in a lesbian relationship then in a heterosexual one. I am into both Cisgender men and women but transsexual men and women too but more comfortable being in a relationship with other transsexuals being that we understand what each other are going through. Cisgender is how one is their sex at birth like Britney Spears for instance and identifies as a female making her a Cisgender Female. To those that end their relationship with me for transitioning rather it be family or friends here and in life I say good bye to you all and good luck with the rest of your life and to those that choose to continue their relationship with me then I say to you I love you and so glad that you accept me for who I am then I will direct you to my current FB so we can continue our friendship on that one. Peace to you. I am just following God more these days and trusting God all so much more than ever before. As it says in Matthew 7 do not judge or you shall be judged. Gary Coldiron Jr.
PS. I will sometime in the future change my name to Sara Ashley Cole and my gender marker to female legally to reflect who I am in the inside as I am on the outside already. Yes I do plan on having the surgery which is called Sex Reassignment Surgery or SRS and I will do Hormone Replacement Surgery (HRT) to make me start to feel like who I am in the inside. I need to do this for me. If I do not do this then I know deep down from the very pit of my soul that I would commit suicide so I choose to live which means that I will transition. I love life more than ever before but need to heal mentally and emotionally so I can move more closer to where I need to.
You see that I signed it was my birth/legal name the one which I do not associate anymore and that I have become detached from. Well after posting that I have received more positive responses then negative ones. But with that being said I have received negative ones that I have been ready for. I heard things like God didn't make you a girl, didn't make a mistake with you, pray about it, and I will be praying that God corrects you. That is the kind of junk that drove me away from my old church. If you ever visit Bloomington, IN do not visit or attend North Central Church of Christ. Do not let the name fool you like it did me for years. First off I went there because we my family attended there since I was a little kid and grew up like they are the only true church and such. The may act like they are just like Christ but no where near it at all either. They go around and judge those that are different then they are plain and simple. They ignore scientific evidence that states that one simply doesn't choose their gender identity or sexual orientation. They think that we simply choose to live this so-called "chosen life style." That is so plain ignorant and ludicrous. If they had a lick of intelligence they would realize that living this so-called "chosen life style it is a rough kind of life to live. You can be fired, plus you endure all kinds of hardships like losing your house or apartment because you can't pay the bills all because you were fired for being LGBT which is wrong. If one can choose to be LGBT then they can choose to be straight or not which is a stupid argument they have. I choose my LGBT status like they choose to be straight because we were born with our identities and so there was no choice because we are who we are. Why would anyone want to be put through this kind of life. I mean right? Thank you all and have a great night.
-Sara Ashlee Cole
PS. I will sometime in the future change my name to Sara Ashley Cole and my gender marker to female legally to reflect who I am in the inside as I am on the outside already. Yes I do plan on having the surgery which is called Sex Reassignment Surgery or SRS and I will do Hormone Replacement Surgery (HRT) to make me start to feel like who I am in the inside. I need to do this for me. If I do not do this then I know deep down from the very pit of my soul that I would commit suicide so I choose to live which means that I will transition. I love life more than ever before but need to heal mentally and emotionally so I can move more closer to where I need to.
You see that I signed it was my birth/legal name the one which I do not associate anymore and that I have become detached from. Well after posting that I have received more positive responses then negative ones. But with that being said I have received negative ones that I have been ready for. I heard things like God didn't make you a girl, didn't make a mistake with you, pray about it, and I will be praying that God corrects you. That is the kind of junk that drove me away from my old church. If you ever visit Bloomington, IN do not visit or attend North Central Church of Christ. Do not let the name fool you like it did me for years. First off I went there because we my family attended there since I was a little kid and grew up like they are the only true church and such. The may act like they are just like Christ but no where near it at all either. They go around and judge those that are different then they are plain and simple. They ignore scientific evidence that states that one simply doesn't choose their gender identity or sexual orientation. They think that we simply choose to live this so-called "chosen life style." That is so plain ignorant and ludicrous. If they had a lick of intelligence they would realize that living this so-called "chosen life style it is a rough kind of life to live. You can be fired, plus you endure all kinds of hardships like losing your house or apartment because you can't pay the bills all because you were fired for being LGBT which is wrong. If one can choose to be LGBT then they can choose to be straight or not which is a stupid argument they have. I choose my LGBT status like they choose to be straight because we were born with our identities and so there was no choice because we are who we are. Why would anyone want to be put through this kind of life. I mean right? Thank you all and have a great night.
-Sara Ashlee Cole
cutting the dead weight
There are going to be negative forces in your life in your journey to becoming the person that you are so supposed to be and you just need to kick 'em to the curb and only surround yourself with positive energy. This supposed transsexual female that I once thought of as a friend is the one that I had to cut loose. She thought she was doing me a favor well he thought he was doing me a favor. He told me that he had the surgery to become a woman by the infamous Dr. Marci Bower when her practice was still in Trinidad, Colorado which since then has been moved to San Jose, California. He goes by the name Pennyjane Hanson but his legal name is Stephen Tyler Hanson. He is simply jealous and being jealous of someone who is actually making process. Being jealous of someone does nobody any good and just makes you unhappy in your own life when it is going no where and no where really fast. I do not compare myself to any girls on their journey. Even if she truly transitioned all the way and was legit she still is a petty jealous old transsexual female that needs to stop comparing herself to me and simply be happy in her own journey. She did come from a generation which didn't exactly accept transsexuals and that is not my fault she just needs to move on. People who tell others that they are worthless and are a loser are in fact taking a look at their future especially when they are towards the end of their miserable life. When one drops out of high school and that is the extent of their education then they are the ones that are the real loser in life and simply calling me one he is really yelling at him self indirectly. He simply needs to own up to his own failures instead of redirecting them to someone who actually has a future now that is pathetic. Time to move on to my future which is much better than that person. Never spend time with rejects like this person is because they will treat you like the rejects they are.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
sara's quickies
- "Giving compliments is cleansing to the palette of the soul and name calling is the direct opposite it muddies the palette of the soul." -Sara Ashley Cole
- Gratefulness is rewarding and just feels so darn good to thank someone or a group of people and not wanting anything in return for it and when getting rewarded for doing so is just icing on your cake. It is better to give than to receive. -Sara Ashley Cole
2 BE AGGRESSIVE OR 2 BE PASSIVE
The question is to be aggressive or to be passive is what faces today's transsexual females. We are brought up in this society as males though we identify as females. Most of us have known quite early in life that we are not like most males. In fact we know that we are females just ones that are trapped in male bodies. Knowing that we are females in male bodies is really terrible feeling because we are not like any human beings in our lives or that at best that we are a rare species. We will do anything to avoid sticking out as someone that is different. We learn early in school that one that is different is treated with such disrespect and hated thrust upon us so quite tragically. To be different means that one might have very little to no friends all just because we are different. We learn at a very young age that in order to have friends we must be vanilla just like anyone else. There have been very little exposure for our world to a transsexual female and no we didn't have a Laverne Cox in our day to show us an example of how we can transition. In fact when she transitioned and even before she did she had to like the rest of us face bullies on the regular basis because she was seen as a feminine boy and got the crap beat out of her every single day of her life but at least she had her family's unconditional love and support which many of us do not once we come out as being one. I know that fact all too well when I came out to my parents and much later to my own sister whom I used to be close to that I lost them because they see it as a sin to transition to the gender that one wasn't socialized at all. They think that chromosomes are the only factor to determine our so-called sex and that can't be changed at all and in fact most feel the same way too. But the tide is slowly changing with all the scientific evidence that is pouring in and more and more there are groves of people that we can identify as transsexuals paving the way to make it acceptable to simply transition to our internal gender. In fact we have learned the difference between gender and sex. Gender is how one internalizes who they are rather they be male, female, bigender, agender, or even genderfluid or some referred to as genderfuck or anywhere on the gender perspective that one which may find them self on. Some even feel that we are not on either the male spectrum or completely on the female spectrum but some where in the middle some where maybe leaning closer to male or female but there are so many schools of thought amongst the so-called gender experts. We now have Laverne Cox, Janet Mock, Chaz Bono, and Laura Jane Grace of Against Me the punkband just to name a few that I aspire to be just like but I have a ways to go to be like them like I need to get myself established to making it on my own like getting a job and being able to take care of myself financially and not having anyone help me but totally lean on myself then I will be well on my way to becoming like them so I need to do that before I can be like them. I do got an interview this coming week and hopefully I will be more on my way this week but while waiting to see what happens I need to continue on applying to more places to better my chances of landing a job and sooner rather than later so I can provide an income for myself to pay my bills to build my life where I can be happy or at least happy as I can till I can commence on HRT, then electrolysis then down the road do my FFS, then SRS and in between continue on building my female wardrobe, makeup, shoe collection and nail polish and find my style that I both love and it is in my age range so I can simply blend in.
But no matter how one identifies you can be aggressive, passive, or some where in the middle. Now me being a female that is in the wrong body that makes me a female and cisgender females are socialized to be passive and cisgendered males are socialized to being aggressive. So with me being a female I am expected to be passive but I feel that I do not have to be passive 100% nor do I feel I have to be aggressive to which I was socialized into doing being that the world sees me as a male aggressive 100% either. I feel that the balance between the two is sufficient enough and now I need to learn how to balance. I need to learn when to be aggressive and when to be passive and still seen as any other girl. Now with me having lived most of my life as a male I now have a hard road to tow to retraining myself in a lot of areas to be passive so I will be seen simply as the female I identify as being. Becoming more balanced is beautiful like that of a stream of fresh water which is extremely beautiful yet strong enough to survive. Being aggressive in not a bad thing at all I just need to know what situations demand me to be aggressive and which ones demand me to be passive. Being a modern day woman that is both feminine while being a feminist, one that can do anything the men can do and do it better kind of attitude is a constant experiment that I am constantly having to rework till I get it right or at least good enough being that I will not get it right 100% but at least get it close to that as humanly possible. I need and want to prove to society that men are not the only one of value, but we woman too have value as well. But I know I have a lot to work on and improve upon and will let you know by simply updating you on my progress. Life is a journey so I will be constantly a WIP( Work In Progress) I know I just threw in an Accounting term but me being the Accounting major I had to do that. Anyways have a lovely weekend ya'll! :)
-Sara Ashley Cole
But no matter how one identifies you can be aggressive, passive, or some where in the middle. Now me being a female that is in the wrong body that makes me a female and cisgender females are socialized to be passive and cisgendered males are socialized to being aggressive. So with me being a female I am expected to be passive but I feel that I do not have to be passive 100% nor do I feel I have to be aggressive to which I was socialized into doing being that the world sees me as a male aggressive 100% either. I feel that the balance between the two is sufficient enough and now I need to learn how to balance. I need to learn when to be aggressive and when to be passive and still seen as any other girl. Now with me having lived most of my life as a male I now have a hard road to tow to retraining myself in a lot of areas to be passive so I will be seen simply as the female I identify as being. Becoming more balanced is beautiful like that of a stream of fresh water which is extremely beautiful yet strong enough to survive. Being aggressive in not a bad thing at all I just need to know what situations demand me to be aggressive and which ones demand me to be passive. Being a modern day woman that is both feminine while being a feminist, one that can do anything the men can do and do it better kind of attitude is a constant experiment that I am constantly having to rework till I get it right or at least good enough being that I will not get it right 100% but at least get it close to that as humanly possible. I need and want to prove to society that men are not the only one of value, but we woman too have value as well. But I know I have a lot to work on and improve upon and will let you know by simply updating you on my progress. Life is a journey so I will be constantly a WIP( Work In Progress) I know I just threw in an Accounting term but me being the Accounting major I had to do that. Anyways have a lovely weekend ya'll! :)
-Sara Ashley Cole
ETIQUETTE for transsexual females
There are things that come naturally to one but then there are things that one must acquire like etiquette for instance. All of my life I had been socialized as a male and so I was supposed to behave as one and it took me a long time to naturally well not naturally but accustomed to a certain behavior. But ever since finding myself and my true identity that being a transsexual female there are certain behaviors that naturally came to me or just maybe I learned even while I still lived the life of a male all these years. My subconscious I feel is a HUGE reason why certain behaviors came so easily and part of the reason is because of my creator, God, herself too. She had been tugging at my heart to tell me that I am a woman and to trust her that I will get through life without my influences that were once in my life that washed their hands of me so I learned finally to lean on her and not my understanding and teachings as referenced in Proverbs 3:5. I had to live my life as a male to finally come to grips of who I am and learned a very invaluable lesson. Being a male for most of my life is part of my journey to finally coming to grips that I am a girl, just one that is trapped in the wrong body. Being a male gave me perspective that your ordinary girl just doesn't have. Also growing up and being raised as a male I grew up in a conservative family so I learned their whole game plan and how they feel about liberals. So though I am saddened of having not be like anyone else I have a unique life experiences that not too many people have at all. I have the perspective of the male life style and conservative viewpoint that I can use to my advantage.
I have learned that I am a unique and beautiful creation of the true artist that is God, herself. It is not a mistake that I am in the wrong body or even in the wrong body because it was made to be so I can learn and extend the knowledge and be God's mouthpiece to lend my expertise to the world and get our viewpoint across the galaxy that she wonderfully designed and I am just one of her many unique and beautiful designs. She knows how wonderful of a creation that I am and entrusts me to deliver the message that she placed on my heart and how to deliver it. All I got to do is get out of her way and do what I am designed to do. I am the clay and she is the potter. So into her hands I just let her mold me into something beautiful.
So with that being said I have learned that men are the aggressors and I have to bow down and act as a lady. Now I am not saying to be passive but to blend the two because women are valuable too and so are transsexual females. I feel as though transsexual females and cisgendered females can come together and act in symphony and get the message across that we women yes I said we women because we are all women that we do have value too and not just men. I am not a male basher but then again we do matter because in the end we are all beings just trying to survive on this blue marble that we call planet earth. Now anyways I did in my journey and still to a certain extent still act like a man and simply need to learn to behave lady like. Like for instance I do not always need to be argumentative and even when I am right I need to not always voice my opinion and grab attention to myself. There are times that I need to grin and bear it like a line in Dawson's Creek in an episode that I recall said. Grin and bearing it is a hard concept but it is so important because not every situation in life is going to be a "Bowl full of cherries" so try to make every situation as pleasant not only to one self but everyone involved. Now another topic coming up in the near future is fashion and believe me it is going to be a doozy. Good night ya'll and wait for the next installment of Sara the advice queen. Signing off now. Kisses!!! Peace out and have a groovy weekend!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
I have learned that I am a unique and beautiful creation of the true artist that is God, herself. It is not a mistake that I am in the wrong body or even in the wrong body because it was made to be so I can learn and extend the knowledge and be God's mouthpiece to lend my expertise to the world and get our viewpoint across the galaxy that she wonderfully designed and I am just one of her many unique and beautiful designs. She knows how wonderful of a creation that I am and entrusts me to deliver the message that she placed on my heart and how to deliver it. All I got to do is get out of her way and do what I am designed to do. I am the clay and she is the potter. So into her hands I just let her mold me into something beautiful.
So with that being said I have learned that men are the aggressors and I have to bow down and act as a lady. Now I am not saying to be passive but to blend the two because women are valuable too and so are transsexual females. I feel as though transsexual females and cisgendered females can come together and act in symphony and get the message across that we women yes I said we women because we are all women that we do have value too and not just men. I am not a male basher but then again we do matter because in the end we are all beings just trying to survive on this blue marble that we call planet earth. Now anyways I did in my journey and still to a certain extent still act like a man and simply need to learn to behave lady like. Like for instance I do not always need to be argumentative and even when I am right I need to not always voice my opinion and grab attention to myself. There are times that I need to grin and bear it like a line in Dawson's Creek in an episode that I recall said. Grin and bearing it is a hard concept but it is so important because not every situation in life is going to be a "Bowl full of cherries" so try to make every situation as pleasant not only to one self but everyone involved. Now another topic coming up in the near future is fashion and believe me it is going to be a doozy. Good night ya'll and wait for the next installment of Sara the advice queen. Signing off now. Kisses!!! Peace out and have a groovy weekend!!!
-Sara Ashley Cole
walking with sara on her journey
Let me take you with me on my roller coaster journey of emotions that occur when I am living daily as the girl that I have been all along. Transitioning to the girl that I have always been is not always easy at all. Being a transsexual female is not for the weak at heart or with thin skin. You will face all kinds of people and not all are open-minded. There will be some that you will walk along your path and simply pardon my language and I am not trying to use derogatory language at all but simply they see me as a fagot who is wearing a dress and trying to pass as a girl though I am only expressing my internal gender of who I simply feel. Well anyways my emotions throughout the day go up and down. I know deep down that I am a girl just one that is in the wrong body. I know that my body is incorrect as I have a penis that should not be there at all and the more that I continue on this path of transitioning to the life of a girl the more that I am becoming more and more detached to my old life, one that is a sham, a total lie. Most of my life I was simply living a lie when trying to pass as a male when those feelings were not how I was feeling internally at all. All of my life I have been a girl that was masqueraded as a male now that is alright if it is Halloween or costume party but to me I was simply not being honest and it sickens me to my tummy that I lied to everyone especially my own self.
For the last couple years I have had 2 FBs up and running one with my biological gender and then there is my actual one. I did just today change my biological FB information wise. Like I finally changed on there that I am a transsexual female and put my transsexual name in parenthesis. I felt the time is right that I need to move on and not doing so was still hurting me and my mental health. And this is coming when I have been living full time close to 14 months socially so I had came out to the most important ones in my life and now it was simply time to come out to the rest of the world now. All of my life I have been what one would refer to me simply as a people pleaser but that is simply not being healthy and so I decided to let the rest of the world know that I am a transsexual female and that I am living the rest of my life as the girl I have been all along. So with that being said I have been crying fearing that more people now will have a chance to reject me for who I am and tell me just how wrong that I am and that I am going straight to hell. But I so badly needed to do this simply for me and my well-being. Never again will I have to look over my shoulder to have someone see me that I had not told yet of the journey that I am on.
Now I can move on with my life and accomplish a life worthy of living. I now can apply for any job and any position and reach for the stars. I now can do anything my heart so wants but from the bottom up to earn a life that I want to live. I need to work hard at the next job that I work and work my way up and then either change jobs or whatever I want to do. So anyways my emotions have ranged to looking all sad, to tears running down my cheeks, and being proud of who I am and looking straight forward. With this HUGE move hopefully the stars will start to line up and my future big and bright too. My advice is to live for accepting your real and authentic self and let's encourage one another to keep to this mission in our lives.
-Sara Ashley Cole
For the last couple years I have had 2 FBs up and running one with my biological gender and then there is my actual one. I did just today change my biological FB information wise. Like I finally changed on there that I am a transsexual female and put my transsexual name in parenthesis. I felt the time is right that I need to move on and not doing so was still hurting me and my mental health. And this is coming when I have been living full time close to 14 months socially so I had came out to the most important ones in my life and now it was simply time to come out to the rest of the world now. All of my life I have been what one would refer to me simply as a people pleaser but that is simply not being healthy and so I decided to let the rest of the world know that I am a transsexual female and that I am living the rest of my life as the girl I have been all along. So with that being said I have been crying fearing that more people now will have a chance to reject me for who I am and tell me just how wrong that I am and that I am going straight to hell. But I so badly needed to do this simply for me and my well-being. Never again will I have to look over my shoulder to have someone see me that I had not told yet of the journey that I am on.
Now I can move on with my life and accomplish a life worthy of living. I now can apply for any job and any position and reach for the stars. I now can do anything my heart so wants but from the bottom up to earn a life that I want to live. I need to work hard at the next job that I work and work my way up and then either change jobs or whatever I want to do. So anyways my emotions have ranged to looking all sad, to tears running down my cheeks, and being proud of who I am and looking straight forward. With this HUGE move hopefully the stars will start to line up and my future big and bright too. My advice is to live for accepting your real and authentic self and let's encourage one another to keep to this mission in our lives.
-Sara Ashley Cole
sara's emotional journey diary
Today I am adding another project that I am trying out here to give you all a glimpse into the inner workings of a transsexual well at least to me and my feelings. I will be logging here what I am feeling at the time of the posting of my personal journey to becoming the female that I have always been. Transitioning is not an easy journey and so the roller coaster of emotions is quite appropriate here. For the last several days I have been down in the dumps feeling like my life is not really taking off like I like at all like I am stuck in neutral so to speak of at all. I have heard people tell me that I am in the driver's seat and all I got to do is take control of my life. But that is so easy for them to tell me. There is a lot stacked against being part of the trans community. Living in a really extremely right-winged state as Indiana simply surviving is what one has to do when living a trans lifestyle. There are so many conservative that reside here in Indiana which means that Indiana is all about traditional way of life. They think that all and I do mean all should be like it was in the "Good Ole Days." But times change and so do people's way of thinking and God does too. Did I just piss off the conservatives, eeh gasp I hear from their groaning mouths and hearts thinking now that God is going to strike us all dead all because of what I just said. Like God is going to stone all of us to death of what I just said that is ridiculous. Right? We today have come to know that not all people were created the same at all. We are not all vanilla so they should just accept this and simply move on. Right? Well, the more that they become the minority the louder their groans will become all because they feel they need to make their voices heard and close the gap. They want their world to go back to the days of the 1950s, but why really? Things have never been black or white at all and never the way it had appeared either. People back then just stood in their closets waiting for the day when they could simply walk out and be their self plain and simple. They want those that are different to stay hidden away as to be playing "Hide and Go Seek" but for life so they do not have to be around those that are different then they are. But that is so childish to act like that and which is that of a fool. Doesn't the bible say anything about going beyond spiritual milk? Hmm I will let you ponder about that. OK?
Anyway me as a transsexual female one that was socialized as a male, one in the male dominant world people ask me all the time why give up living as a male when we dominant or you dominate the world? Well I have never truly identified as one though I tried so very hard being one. I just wanted like everyone else to be who the world saw me as so I could be accepted, to be loved, and to feel safe and secure and simply live life. But the more I became aware of just who I really am the more I knew that I was not like most at all which scared me. Knowing that I was a girl, a girl trapped in the wrong body meant to me that I would eventually come out to my family and friends which scared me to death. I was scared because I thought I would lose most of my friends and all of my family due to me transitioning to the girl that I have always been even one in secret while trying her best to act like any other male. One that tried engaging in sporting activities like backyard football diagramming plays to keep the other team off guard as in football or basketball. Though I still love sports, sports to me is not the end all be all to me like it once was. Now I still love my beloved Indianapolis Colts, Chicago Bulls, and yes to even the lovable losers, like the Chicago Cubs, and of course like most Hoosier I love my Indiana University yes we have a football team and my beloved basketball team though it is not like the team we fielded back in the hay days of Bob Knight though we are becoming closer to those yester years. But as a woman I also enjoy talking fashion and love clothes shopping and shoe shopping too. I also love shopping for makeup and decorating a place to look all cute but I am becoming more well-rounded as I also enjoy blogging on topics that peak my interest especially politics, religions, and social issues that I am extremely interested and that do draw my interest that is just dripping with passion than most. It is because that I just came out a little over a year ago and still young in the whole LGBT community that I am very prideful in being different and willing to stick out for the cause. I know that once I have transitioned all the way I will peel it way back and it is eminent that the time will come when I least expect it to I do wanna stayed involved and blaze the trail for those who will be in the trans community that they will not have to endure the hardship that you and I had to do to get where we are going. Knowing just hard it is to be one of you but I will never back down from my quest to become the woman that I am though I may have lost a whole lot I have gained more than I have ever expected. Like those ahead of me I know there are growing pains and yes I am going through them as we speak here. Though I am a female I still act like the male that I was socialized in being for many years but only from what I was taught. I am trying to behave more in the feminine way that I should and know naturally that I do act. I am just a modern day woman that we girls can do just as much as you men do and in fact do it better.
Well anyways I am doing much better since I changed my format in my blogging and not holding back any feelings or my language. My language on that will not change and so bare with me and if it offends some of you then I suggest you not read my blogs on there because I am not holding back any more. I am letting my feelings out there and all the way but here is more the area that you will want to read if language is a problem because I will not use any language here that you virgin ears do not want to hear or see at all. I am feeling so much better than I was yesterday and thank you all for sticking by my side and I love you so very much too. My success on this website is not without you my loyal followers I would not be successful without any of you. If you know of anyone that is part of the trans community and want that knowledge of what girls like me or boys that are in the wrong bodies go through then this site is for them. I am here to help you and your love ones transition. Though you are not transitioning like us doesn't mean that you are not transitioning. You are just transitioning to getting to know your authentic loved one who is showing you authenticity. Show them that you do care about them and their well-being and do not be afraid to ask them any question out there and just be sensitive to what kinds of questions that you might want to ask them. Be thankful that they are coming to you and show them that you will not leave them and simply love them for being real with you. I know I wished that my own family was that way and would appreciate it so very much. Maybe in the future I will post here that their hearts be soften and that they do accept me as their daughter, their niece, their aunt. To me family is the most important aspect of anyone's life not just my own. I do miss and love my family though they do not show it back to me at least that is the way that it appears to me. Remember you only have one life so appreciate what you got in your life. Thank you all!
-Sara Ashley Cole
Anyway me as a transsexual female one that was socialized as a male, one in the male dominant world people ask me all the time why give up living as a male when we dominant or you dominate the world? Well I have never truly identified as one though I tried so very hard being one. I just wanted like everyone else to be who the world saw me as so I could be accepted, to be loved, and to feel safe and secure and simply live life. But the more I became aware of just who I really am the more I knew that I was not like most at all which scared me. Knowing that I was a girl, a girl trapped in the wrong body meant to me that I would eventually come out to my family and friends which scared me to death. I was scared because I thought I would lose most of my friends and all of my family due to me transitioning to the girl that I have always been even one in secret while trying her best to act like any other male. One that tried engaging in sporting activities like backyard football diagramming plays to keep the other team off guard as in football or basketball. Though I still love sports, sports to me is not the end all be all to me like it once was. Now I still love my beloved Indianapolis Colts, Chicago Bulls, and yes to even the lovable losers, like the Chicago Cubs, and of course like most Hoosier I love my Indiana University yes we have a football team and my beloved basketball team though it is not like the team we fielded back in the hay days of Bob Knight though we are becoming closer to those yester years. But as a woman I also enjoy talking fashion and love clothes shopping and shoe shopping too. I also love shopping for makeup and decorating a place to look all cute but I am becoming more well-rounded as I also enjoy blogging on topics that peak my interest especially politics, religions, and social issues that I am extremely interested and that do draw my interest that is just dripping with passion than most. It is because that I just came out a little over a year ago and still young in the whole LGBT community that I am very prideful in being different and willing to stick out for the cause. I know that once I have transitioned all the way I will peel it way back and it is eminent that the time will come when I least expect it to I do wanna stayed involved and blaze the trail for those who will be in the trans community that they will not have to endure the hardship that you and I had to do to get where we are going. Knowing just hard it is to be one of you but I will never back down from my quest to become the woman that I am though I may have lost a whole lot I have gained more than I have ever expected. Like those ahead of me I know there are growing pains and yes I am going through them as we speak here. Though I am a female I still act like the male that I was socialized in being for many years but only from what I was taught. I am trying to behave more in the feminine way that I should and know naturally that I do act. I am just a modern day woman that we girls can do just as much as you men do and in fact do it better.
Well anyways I am doing much better since I changed my format in my blogging and not holding back any feelings or my language. My language on that will not change and so bare with me and if it offends some of you then I suggest you not read my blogs on there because I am not holding back any more. I am letting my feelings out there and all the way but here is more the area that you will want to read if language is a problem because I will not use any language here that you virgin ears do not want to hear or see at all. I am feeling so much better than I was yesterday and thank you all for sticking by my side and I love you so very much too. My success on this website is not without you my loyal followers I would not be successful without any of you. If you know of anyone that is part of the trans community and want that knowledge of what girls like me or boys that are in the wrong bodies go through then this site is for them. I am here to help you and your love ones transition. Though you are not transitioning like us doesn't mean that you are not transitioning. You are just transitioning to getting to know your authentic loved one who is showing you authenticity. Show them that you do care about them and their well-being and do not be afraid to ask them any question out there and just be sensitive to what kinds of questions that you might want to ask them. Be thankful that they are coming to you and show them that you will not leave them and simply love them for being real with you. I know I wished that my own family was that way and would appreciate it so very much. Maybe in the future I will post here that their hearts be soften and that they do accept me as their daughter, their niece, their aunt. To me family is the most important aspect of anyone's life not just my own. I do miss and love my family though they do not show it back to me at least that is the way that it appears to me. Remember you only have one life so appreciate what you got in your life. Thank you all!
-Sara Ashley Cole
Gender dysphoria
Gender dysphoria is feeling a disconnect to what gender the world sees one as and the gender one identifies as. Having gender dysphoria is no laughing matter at all. When one slowly identifies as the opposite gender they were raised as and the one they truly identifies as is starts creeping up on you it feels like living hell. The more that I continue to transition socially the more disconnected I become to the name that I go by legally. I no longer identify as Gary to which the name I was given at my birth. I am not a male but I am a girl one that goes by the name Sara that is a girl's name. I go by Sara because I identify as a girl and it hurts when I have to use the name Gary. I know that I have to legally use that name when like say for instance when applying for jobs or applying for assistance but it still hurts and have no way of coping to which I can get over this hurdle. How does one apply for a job when they are disconnected to that legal name that is the hurdle I look to change so others do not have to suffer this at all. In order to move past your legal name you need to earn a living so that you can afford to legally change your name. It is because of the "traditionalists" that we have to suffer. They want us to stay the person that we were at birth they think it is wrong for us to transition to the gender that we identify as and that we are going to hell for it. They are just uncomfortable being around someone that is different from them and they probably even feel like us or are afraid to confront their own sexual orientation because it goes against what they were taught as small children and are afraid to lose their own family. So if they have to suffer then so do we they figure so they make laws making it extremely hard for us to survive. They want us to either accept what we are or if we can't then we go and commit suicide and so they either way they would be rid of us.
I am writing this because I am suffering more and more with who I am and know all too well that I am a girl just one that has the boy equipment. You are not alone at all in your struggle because I am right there with you. I know that I am a girl but the world closes it eyes to that knowledge because we are in the minority. They make it hard so that we will go away but we need to show them that we do in deed matter and that this is real. We are authentic and just want to show authenticity to the world and that this struggle will only go away if we can transition to who we truly are and for me that is transitioning all the way to the woman that I am.
I am writing this because I am suffering more and more with who I am and know all too well that I am a girl just one that has the boy equipment. You are not alone at all in your struggle because I am right there with you. I know that I am a girl but the world closes it eyes to that knowledge because we are in the minority. They make it hard so that we will go away but we need to show them that we do in deed matter and that this is real. We are authentic and just want to show authenticity to the world and that this struggle will only go away if we can transition to who we truly are and for me that is transitioning all the way to the woman that I am.
"Freedom 4 all"
As I continue to evolve to the woman that I have been all of my life I am believe that all should be free to be who they are to the world and not have to hide who they are that is why I am a liberal, I am all bout liberating humanity and show authenticity to the world instead of hiding who we are inside. I am all about freeing anyone from the constraints which society developed long ago. forget tradition when it traps people from living authentic lives. I am not against tradition as long as it doesn't hold the real person from simply being themselves.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
thank you all
Thank you all for visiting my site. I hope it is very informative for you all. I want to educate the masses like the cisgendered people, my future trans family. I so want to help the future trans people so they do not have to go through all the horror that I have had to endure. I was more than willing to experience life out on the streets but eternally grateful to be off them too. I want to change policies to prevent homelessness or at least have better ones in place for those that do become homeless. I want the world to be much better and brighter for all out there especially those that push the boundaries of how one lives their life. I want to thank you all for those that prayed for me and wished me luck and even extended a helping hand to me while I was homeless. Words can't even begin to do me justice on just how much I truly appreciate it all. I so badly want to make you all proud of me and will move mountains, swim through all the oceans, crawl a long way, run a great distance to make it happen. I learned that I am so much stronger than I ever knew possible and just like you all told me that I was. Thank you for simply believing in me it truly makes me trul humbled and loved on so many levels.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
"blessed"
Blessed according to dictionary.com means divinely or supremely favored; fortunate and blissfully happy or contented. That is how fortunate I feel that I have been through out my journey of transitioning and having to do most of it while being homeless. Every time something even if it were a small thing it was like God was taking such good care of me. It is because of my faith that things just fell into place. As it states in Luke 17:6 And the Lord said, "If you had faith like a mustard seed, you would say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and be planted in the sea'; and it would obey you. If one has even a little bit of faith you can do anything. As it says over in Phil. 4:16: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Meaning that with a little bit of hard work on my part believing that Christ himself will grant what my heart so desires. I can do anything that I put my heart so desires and Christ will help me to completion and I all I got to do is believe. God made sure that I was simply taken care of all because I looked to her for guidance and didn't try to do it all on my own. She gave me the wisdom to not make the big mistakes that a lot of transsexuals who are homeless and that costs them their very lives. I used their mistakes as my lessons on how to approach situations and didn't let them die in vain. I know they do not want me to make the same mistakes that they did and so I use them for my lesson. Now it doesn't mean that I didn't make any mistakes myself just not the big ones mine were tiny in comparison and made sure that I caught them before coming the bigger ones. I made sure that I respected the rules of the street and simply followed them. They are not the legal ones but rules set forth by the homeless the ones before me the ones that every homeless people follow. At the same time I didn't compromise myself and my gender identity but at the same time I didn't go out of my way to flaunt my feminine self either. They felt like I did though I was only presenting as the lady that I am but not one over the top either.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
no shame!
There is absolutely no shame of being who you are. It doesn't matter if you are gay, bi, trans, pansexual, or asexual or any where in the rainbow perspective. You are who you are and there is no changing that at all. Religious bigotry will always exist. Now they are slowly becoming the minority and the more they become the minority the louder they will make their views heard. They know their days of dominating will cease to exist. So are getting louder to hopefully be in the driver's seat again but that is all in vain. Their efforts are for not but they are desperate to get it all back. There is evidence stock piling to prove that one's gender identity comes from the mind and once it is mapped there is no changing and the only way to improve that is to undergo Hormone Replacement Therapy and maybe even Sex Reassignment Surgery like the one that I will endure to have my mind and body aligned once and for all and will solve my gender dyphoria once and for all time. I will no longer have the problem where my mind and body are not congruent but until I have that fateful surgery my gender dysphoria will get worse as it already does. I know way too many gay and lesbian friends that tried so very hard to be straight as I sure tried to be a Cisgendered Straight male
Well I took a day off yesterday to move to my new apartment and enjoy my personal space of one I had once upon a time took for granted, After several months of not having personal I just soaked it all in. I am very grateful that I made it. Being homeless is hard enough but to be one that identifies as a transsexual is even harder. So many people try to take advantage of your vulnerability . They see a frightened individual that is different one that sticks out from anyone else. They are uncomfortable being around someone that is not like them and fear that either that you are going to trick men to sleep with them or gain access to the bathroom so you can peak into women like some pervert. Or that they see that you are able to confront your gender identity and that they are jealous of them not being able to confront their gender identity or sexual orientation or both. I am ever so grateful that I am apart of the minority as far as becoming a statistic that came up and survived being a homeless transsexual and not one that is in the majority that either committed suicide, got murdered, or at least assaulted. If I can make it I know many more out there can all they got to do is have the right support system out there and respect the "Street Rules" and I do not mean the legal ones but the rules set by the homeless community. You can both respect their rules but without sacrificing your own identity. Just do not appear to flaunt it in their faces and rub it in but also be true to one self. You can apply the infamous line in Hamlet the play "To thine self be true." But apply it with respect to those around you that do not agree with you and being a transsexual. If an example that one can be homeless and be a transsexual and still find success. I still have a ways to go to go where I need to go but I am in the right direction on my path of transitioning to the female that I have always been.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
Journey reflection
As the hours slowly count down on my last day of being a homeless transsexual I am thinking back to the days before being homeless. Before I came out to my family I was so desperately trying to keep my mask on when being around my family. You see I was hiding the real me because as you have read my posts I grew up in a extremely Christian Conservative Fundamentalist home where I was taught to live a really traditional environment. So I had to hide because I was having trouble of letting go of what I have come to know all of my life one that was surrounded by those that I share my blood with. But doing that I was compromising who I truly was and that was slowly killing me. I depended on them when times were hard on me financially. The economy is suffering these days and finding a job is really hard especially with one was hiding a huge chunk of who they are. I was at that point not strong enough to reveal who I truly am because I wanted just like everyone else to be accepted, to be loved, and to be accepted. It is in our very nature to want that especially from family. I feel like families stress way too much how to live one's life especially if they know what they want from it. I had always felt that I was very much different, like I had feelings that no one could possibly be feeling which made it very hard to function and do a routine. To complete the simplest of tasks I couldn't do because I would wake up and start my day off thinking I am going to have to come out to my parents which would start me off the day crying my eyes out. I have known all along that coming out to my family I would lose them and their support and I am not talking about their financial support. Even when I had a job I would think about this and it didn't matter how busy we were I would cry my eyes out just knowing how they were going to disown me and wash their hands of me and tossing me aside like a piece of trash. Every day one reads or hears about stories where kids are kicked out of their parent's lives because of their gender identity or sexual orientation or quite possibly both and it rips my heart out but to have that happen to me hurts all the more. It affects me directly because of all places where I should be accepted is my own mom and dad and sister, my nuclear family.
But fast forward now I have been living from place to place shelter to shelter to eventually out on the streets and it sucks. But it is worse when one is a transsexual and being homeless. You would think out of all people that would not discriminate me it would be the homeless but you would be wrong. Just because they have been marginalized doesn't mean they wouldn't turn around and do the same to me. I have been threatened with violence where one guy offered his buddies $20 to "Have fun with me." That same person then had his hands shaped like a gun and make gun sounds directly at me letting me know in no uncertain times that he wanted to kill me and all because of my gender identity. Another 2 of them a married couple caused me trouble and accused me of staring at the man and his genitals and calling me a sissy and responded back according to the librarians at Monroe County Public Library "too loud" and got a week's suspension from the place to which I have not returned because I felt like they discriminated me for being homeless. I had to experience a homeless shelter where I had to stay on the guys side all because I have not had surgery and still in their eyes of being a man which that is not the case. I tried to donate plasma for money and that didn't happen because the FDA guidelines do not let me all because I am a transsexual. I have only had counseling at that time and that was enough to not let me donate which that is discrimination. Even if I have had sexual relations with a man or woman they can simply check my blood to see if it is contaminated so that is discrimination. I have tried finding work and though I live in a very liberal town it is hard for me to find work all because of my gender status. I have lost not one but 2 jobs due to my gender status.
But even with all of that said I have learned so many lessons and they are so invaluable. I feel that I have had to experience so I can pave the way for future transsexuals that will face homelessness. I am more than willing to suffer so they do not have to experience what I have had to experience. I do not want any ones to put up with all that I have to endure. I want them to just simply live their lives showing authenticity to the world and live a normal life. My end goal is to integrate and normalize transsexuality to the world because in the end we are all the same with that one aspect of our lives that are different in the fact that we have gender issues. In the end everyone deserves to seek their happiness, to be happy, to be accepted, and to feel safe.
-Sara Ashley Cole
But fast forward now I have been living from place to place shelter to shelter to eventually out on the streets and it sucks. But it is worse when one is a transsexual and being homeless. You would think out of all people that would not discriminate me it would be the homeless but you would be wrong. Just because they have been marginalized doesn't mean they wouldn't turn around and do the same to me. I have been threatened with violence where one guy offered his buddies $20 to "Have fun with me." That same person then had his hands shaped like a gun and make gun sounds directly at me letting me know in no uncertain times that he wanted to kill me and all because of my gender identity. Another 2 of them a married couple caused me trouble and accused me of staring at the man and his genitals and calling me a sissy and responded back according to the librarians at Monroe County Public Library "too loud" and got a week's suspension from the place to which I have not returned because I felt like they discriminated me for being homeless. I had to experience a homeless shelter where I had to stay on the guys side all because I have not had surgery and still in their eyes of being a man which that is not the case. I tried to donate plasma for money and that didn't happen because the FDA guidelines do not let me all because I am a transsexual. I have only had counseling at that time and that was enough to not let me donate which that is discrimination. Even if I have had sexual relations with a man or woman they can simply check my blood to see if it is contaminated so that is discrimination. I have tried finding work and though I live in a very liberal town it is hard for me to find work all because of my gender status. I have lost not one but 2 jobs due to my gender status.
But even with all of that said I have learned so many lessons and they are so invaluable. I feel that I have had to experience so I can pave the way for future transsexuals that will face homelessness. I am more than willing to suffer so they do not have to experience what I have had to experience. I do not want any ones to put up with all that I have to endure. I want them to just simply live their lives showing authenticity to the world and live a normal life. My end goal is to integrate and normalize transsexuality to the world because in the end we are all the same with that one aspect of our lives that are different in the fact that we have gender issues. In the end everyone deserves to seek their happiness, to be happy, to be accepted, and to feel safe.
-Sara Ashley Cole
biggest thing that drive me bananas
My biggest thing that will drives me bananas is when people that act like they are in your corner and yet do not act like it. I am referencing when someone acts like they accept you as a transsexual and yet at every time you mention anything gender issue related they spew out garbage that makes you wonder how they truly feel. It is like on some level they accept you but eternally they do not or vice versa. Like for instance when you state that someone is looking at you funny because of your age they turn to you and say junk like it is because you are a man dressed in women's clothing. I can take that only so much and explain myself of me having gender issues but then that just gets old and wanna scream at the top of my lungs "I AM NOT A MAN!!!" But doing that would draw a scene so that is not the solution at all. I just wanna do what they do when one makes a penalty in hockey and just send them to what they sportscasters as "The Sin Bin." I try my best to educate people like this but there are just people out there that just do not get it. It is sometimes like ramming my head into a brick wall. This is the very reason that I can start HRT. But for now I need to remember and I also advice other transgirls this very thing that I am about to say. We all especially me need to remember this important bit of information and that is "WE ONLY NEED OUR OWN VALIDATION." Now that is easier said then done so it just takes practice. You may need to force yourself to say this to your self several times a day even if it doesn't happen that particular day or write it on a piece of paper or say it to yourself every time you see a mirror or see your reflection or write it on your body for a reminder but whatever works for you I suggest you do that.
-Sara Ashley Cole
-Sara Ashley Cole
Sara's INTERPRETATIONS 2 music
When it comes to listening to really listening I have my own interpretation on what song is saying to me. Like take for instance the song by Martina McBride called “Love’s is the Only House.” To me it just hits me right between the eyes emotionally speaking. When these lyrics especially are being heard it makes me think of me being a transsexual female that has been separated by my family all because of my gender issues and plans on for transitioning all the way. My family is letting their religion separate me from them believing that I am sinning and go straight to hell for me following the path that I have been set on by God herself. These are the lyrics I am referring to: Love's the only house big enough for all the pain in the world Love's the only house big enough for all the pain. To me there is a lot of pain involving me losing the very people whose life I have been in since the day I was born. Family to me is very important. I had grown up being taught that families should of all people show unconditional love. To me unconditional love is showing love to someone with all of your heart and no strings attached. That to me entails that family should love you no matter what and when they cut you out of your life and it doesn’t have to be for being a transsexual or anywhere in the “Rainbow Perspective” it can be for any other supposed “lifestyle choice.” It took me a little while to get over losing them and not cry any more of that. I do however need to work on not getting angry of that and simply move on but I am still very much a “Work In Progress.” But moving on simply takes time especially for me being in their lives for 36 years and all of the sudden I am not so it does take time and therapy helps me with that and so I feel that is why the Standards of Care are in place for transsexuals. They feel that we simply need time to recover from all the bad that happens while transitioning and to make sure we are making the right and educated decision one that affects us for the rest of our lives.
Another song that gets me very emotional is another song by her called “Blessed.” Somewhere in the song it states this: I think to myself, I think to myself
This world is a beautiful place. This is a beautiful in the world where girls like me are accepted for who we are especially in the younger generations.
[Chorus]
I have been blessed
And I feel like I've found my way
I thank God for all I've been given
At the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve
To be here with the ones
That love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed
I have been so blessed that I have so many friends and people that care about me and show me what true unconditional love is. I get so much that I do not even deserve but I am so appreciative of what I do get. I love my family even though they reject and it hurts but got to do that, which is what Jesus would do so I immolate him the best that I can do.
Another song of hers that pulls at my heart strings is called “Where Would You Be.” Here is a couple of excerpts here: I wonder where your heart is 'cause it sure don't feel like it's here
Sometimes I think you wish that I would just disappear
Have I got it all wrong , have you felt this way long?
Are you already gone?
Another one here: I don't wanna hold you back, no I don't wanna slow you down
I don't wanna make you feel, like you are tied up and bound
'Cause that's not what love's about if there's no chance we can work it out
Tell me now, oh tell me, tell me now
It’s like people want me to go away one way or another for simply being myself, a transsexual female. But true love is not holding someone back or slowing one down or tied to a certain image but simply letting one be them self.
Another song of hers that gets my emotions setting off is a song called “Anyway.” Despite transitioning and others especially my family not approving my choices simply do it anyway and build my life surrounding myself with those that simply love me the way family should. Though my family doesn’t approve of me and chooses to walk out of my life love them anyway which is hard because they don’t seem to care about me at all.
Another song of hers that gets my attention is her song called “Surrender” it gets me to thinking that the persona that I used to live my life as surrendered to the real and authentic me.
I have always been one that is thought provoking and have my own interpretation of what a song means to me and one that could never and will never be able to control my emotions. I was born a very sensitive and sweet spirit that loves people and that will never change.
-Sara Ashley Cole
Another song that gets me very emotional is another song by her called “Blessed.” Somewhere in the song it states this: I think to myself, I think to myself
This world is a beautiful place. This is a beautiful in the world where girls like me are accepted for who we are especially in the younger generations.
[Chorus]
I have been blessed
And I feel like I've found my way
I thank God for all I've been given
At the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve
To be here with the ones
That love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed
I have been so blessed that I have so many friends and people that care about me and show me what true unconditional love is. I get so much that I do not even deserve but I am so appreciative of what I do get. I love my family even though they reject and it hurts but got to do that, which is what Jesus would do so I immolate him the best that I can do.
Another song of hers that pulls at my heart strings is called “Where Would You Be.” Here is a couple of excerpts here: I wonder where your heart is 'cause it sure don't feel like it's here
Sometimes I think you wish that I would just disappear
Have I got it all wrong , have you felt this way long?
Are you already gone?
Another one here: I don't wanna hold you back, no I don't wanna slow you down
I don't wanna make you feel, like you are tied up and bound
'Cause that's not what love's about if there's no chance we can work it out
Tell me now, oh tell me, tell me now
It’s like people want me to go away one way or another for simply being myself, a transsexual female. But true love is not holding someone back or slowing one down or tied to a certain image but simply letting one be them self.
Another song of hers that gets my emotions setting off is a song called “Anyway.” Despite transitioning and others especially my family not approving my choices simply do it anyway and build my life surrounding myself with those that simply love me the way family should. Though my family doesn’t approve of me and chooses to walk out of my life love them anyway which is hard because they don’t seem to care about me at all.
Another song of hers that gets my attention is her song called “Surrender” it gets me to thinking that the persona that I used to live my life as surrendered to the real and authentic me.
I have always been one that is thought provoking and have my own interpretation of what a song means to me and one that could never and will never be able to control my emotions. I was born a very sensitive and sweet spirit that loves people and that will never change.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"Beautiful unique path"
"Everyone is put onto a path that unique unto them, mine is just a really extremely hard one that I have to wake up every morning and ask myself a question one that asks: Do I wanna live or do I wanna die?. If I were to choose death then I would go back to being a male because that suffocates me to the point where I just wanna die and if I choose to live then I transition all the way and be "The Happy Girl" one that is so full of life and ambition one that simply loves life because she is complete one that is simply honest, consistent which leads to showing the world what authenticity looks like. When looking in the mirror I am smiling from ear to ear because I am simply being me. I know that I am brave and courageous having to deal with struggles of life and still moving forward to life's goals to be the girl I am. My determination to seek what ever makes me happy is the drive I need to succeed in life. I wanna be an extension of Jesus Christ to the world and yes one can be a follower of both Christ and God and still be a transsexual. They didn't chase me away because being a Christian and Transsexual are my role in life. I have come to accept that I am but with that being said I am a unique and beautiful creation of God herself. I consider myself to be special and remarkable because of her not because of me. It is my faith in her that gets me where I am going. I know I am on the right path of which she placed me on. Following the light of Jesus I am more than confident but not cocky know that I am doing the right thing. Not everyone is born to be a transsexual and though it is a hard way to live it is my life. Jesus is an example of living a hard life but with his faith in God he made it in this life as the Son of God and son of Joseph. He didn't have anywhere to lay his head down while doing the mission of God. And if Jesus can do it then so can I. It is my faith that keeps me going. Not only am I falling more in love with myself but even more falling more in love with Jesus and God with each day I serve them. "
Sara Ashlee Cole
Sara Ashlee Cole
sara and her journey
For you is this transitioning to your perceived gender just a phase?
Deep down I have always had these feelings of being a girl in the wrong body. I have always been drawn to things what Cisgirls have been socialized to do.
When you mean cisgirls can you tell to others what that is?
Cisgirls are ones where their gender and sex is that of female. When one is born you are assigned a sex at birth and sex depends what you have between one’s legs or not. Gender is who you feel you are rather that be male or female. When the body is aligned with the mind is another way of putting it.
How far are you going to transition?
I am going to do my FFS which stands for Facial feminization surgery which gives my appearance a more feminine look and it depends on just how much the hormones make me look feminine. Now I do not need a trachea shave because I have no Adam’s Apple in the 1st place so that will save me money. I also eventually plan on having my SRS which stands for Sex Reassignment Surgery. Now my threshold of pain is very low and there is a lot of pain when having the outside of ones male parts cut on the outer layer and fashioned to make like an artificial vagina and before the surgery the male part does shrink so what is left of it after having the testicles cut off is the rerouted inside. After the surgery it takes quite a while to heal like as in a year but slowly over time it starts to look like it should have like it should have in the 1st place. I just feel like this is the path that God has put me on and simply testing my faith to see if I do trust in her with all of my heart.
What all did you think about to make you transition to your perceived gender?
I just had to do some soul searching because I had always been drawn to what the world perceives as girly stuff and take an honest hard look at myself. I had to finally come clean to my feelings and thinking back what all has happened to me and why it just now all makes sense of who I am and all the whys. It just all connects and so it finally all makes complete sense. I used to once upon a time thought I was a crossdresser being that I got sexual thrill to it but only for a short period of time. It was like I literally I both physically woke up to myself and those sexual stimulation all went away and these thoughts of me being a girl trapped in the wrong body and those very feelings have grown all the more. I have what is called gender dysphoria and my therapist that my church, First United Church paid for 4 sessions been officially declared suffering from gender dysphoria and sense then have had a letter written for me to start HRT.
When did you start HRT?
Well though I have been cleared to start HRT I have not been able to do it because at this time I am homeless and unemployed all because of discrimination due to my gender identity issues. You see my parents, well my dad is the one that is doing all he can do to get me to live my life as the male that I was socialized as. He like many think it is all in the chromosomes because of his religious upbringing think just that. But I feel that we question what we are being taught and simply educate ourselves in the word of God and make sure we are not being misled. I do feel as though I was misled thinking it wrong to be anywhere close to not only being LGBT but acting on upon it.
When you say LGBT what does that stand for?
It stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transsexual.
Did you always feel these gender issues?
Yeah my gender issues are constantly growing every single day and getting worse. At 1st it started with because I was comparing myself to other transsexuals transition stories then I stopped do that and it simply went away but then it came back again. It came back this time because I started noticing that all along I had been also comparing myself to Cisgirls and that is just as bad. I have always wanted to get pregnant and realized that from a trip down memory lane when I would pretend to be pregnant but in private because I felt that I had so much shame and wanted to keep that to myself.
What kind of environment did you grow up in?
I grew up in a Christian Conservative Fundamentalist upbringing and was brought up in traditions, traditions that I was simply to continue on with and one day get married, get the white picket fence with some pets and some children and simply pass that onto them. My dad in particular wanted me to be his “Mini Me” and every time that I felt short of his expectations. Like he so badly wanted me to be a Conservative and be Electrical Engineer and be a Good Ole Christian Man just like him which is why I was named after him.
What is your legal name by any chance?
Well that is a very personal question and very offensive because I do not identify as that. I do however still go by that name only in legal situations till I get it changed legally and also plan on changing my gender marker to as well.
What is the name that want to change to legally and why?
I am going to when I have both the time and money going to change it too Sara Ashley Cole. I have always loved the name Sara and Ashley and figured it rolled of the tongue better as Sara Ashley and Cole it took me 6 months to come up with being that I wanted both my own identity to distance myself from my family’s and yet close enough that it wouldn’t take long to get used to it. A transgirl a friend of mine that I met earlier this year told me that I can change my gender before SRS and the legal loophole is this…I can buy a 2 yr passport being that it is easier to change my gender on there and turn around and have my gender marker changed on my Driver’s License.
Were you raised in a religious environment? If so what is your background?
Yeah I was raised in a Church of Christ environment.
When coming out as a transsexual did you stop going to church or keep right on going?
Yeah I got to admit I gave up my faith for 3 weeks and plus at the time I was mad at God for not answering my prayer about not having me a transsexual and live like anyone else. But then friends told me well She did just not the answer I wanted and went to a LGBT Church conference thanks to a friend of mine that I had come out to that simply accepts me for who I am and she works at a church that is very progressive for their preschool so she arranged for me to see her and that minister paid for my weekend to that conference which is now my church home where I am totally loved for who I am. I am now involved serving communion, singing Alto in the Choir and my unofficial family as I refer to them the Burnfields take me out to lunch. They act more like my family than my blood family, like loving me unconditionally. Their youngest who just turned 8 simply sees me like any other girl and no questions about it either. Her parents told her and her sisters about me and yet none of them question my gender at all and that is simply amazing. Without people like that in my life I am not sure if I would have made it to where I am now and that just makes the tears flow, ones that are happy ones.
Any advice for those that are just starting to figure out who they are, like the future transsexuals?
Yes I sure do. If you love God with all of your heart and still want to be a Christian I suggest at looking at gaychurch.org and look in the area where you live and start making phone calls to those churches and ask if they accept transsexuals because not all do. If you are facing homelessness because of lack of income I would follow the street rules but at the same time not compromise your trans status though and do not go alone at night and surround yourself those you trust. I also advice go to couchsurging.org to see where you can go to temporally while you look to get yourself back on track and get some counseling/therapy for being a transsexual and tap into that person’s resources too. You may need to ask them but please do. OK?
What kinds of discrimination have you faced while living as a transsexual?
I have been refused work because of my gender identity issues and society feeling that I am a “Deceiver” trying to trick people to believing I am a woman. They feel that I am a man and will always be one which is totally ludicrous. Society set up these standard of living one’s life and expect you to live your life and on their terms.
How did your family respond to after coming out as a transsexual?
Like you would expect they say that I am going straight to hell for simply being myself. They used scriptures like Deuteronomy 22:5 which states: A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the God detests anyone who does this. But that doesn’t apply to me because I am a woman just a woman with male parts that does wear women’s clothing so I am not disobeying God’s law here. They also use the no effeminate man shall enter the kingdom of God which is heaven like according to where that passage is this…I Corinthians 6:9 which again doesn’t apply to me as before.
-Sara Ashley Cole
Deep down I have always had these feelings of being a girl in the wrong body. I have always been drawn to things what Cisgirls have been socialized to do.
When you mean cisgirls can you tell to others what that is?
Cisgirls are ones where their gender and sex is that of female. When one is born you are assigned a sex at birth and sex depends what you have between one’s legs or not. Gender is who you feel you are rather that be male or female. When the body is aligned with the mind is another way of putting it.
How far are you going to transition?
I am going to do my FFS which stands for Facial feminization surgery which gives my appearance a more feminine look and it depends on just how much the hormones make me look feminine. Now I do not need a trachea shave because I have no Adam’s Apple in the 1st place so that will save me money. I also eventually plan on having my SRS which stands for Sex Reassignment Surgery. Now my threshold of pain is very low and there is a lot of pain when having the outside of ones male parts cut on the outer layer and fashioned to make like an artificial vagina and before the surgery the male part does shrink so what is left of it after having the testicles cut off is the rerouted inside. After the surgery it takes quite a while to heal like as in a year but slowly over time it starts to look like it should have like it should have in the 1st place. I just feel like this is the path that God has put me on and simply testing my faith to see if I do trust in her with all of my heart.
What all did you think about to make you transition to your perceived gender?
I just had to do some soul searching because I had always been drawn to what the world perceives as girly stuff and take an honest hard look at myself. I had to finally come clean to my feelings and thinking back what all has happened to me and why it just now all makes sense of who I am and all the whys. It just all connects and so it finally all makes complete sense. I used to once upon a time thought I was a crossdresser being that I got sexual thrill to it but only for a short period of time. It was like I literally I both physically woke up to myself and those sexual stimulation all went away and these thoughts of me being a girl trapped in the wrong body and those very feelings have grown all the more. I have what is called gender dysphoria and my therapist that my church, First United Church paid for 4 sessions been officially declared suffering from gender dysphoria and sense then have had a letter written for me to start HRT.
When did you start HRT?
Well though I have been cleared to start HRT I have not been able to do it because at this time I am homeless and unemployed all because of discrimination due to my gender identity issues. You see my parents, well my dad is the one that is doing all he can do to get me to live my life as the male that I was socialized as. He like many think it is all in the chromosomes because of his religious upbringing think just that. But I feel that we question what we are being taught and simply educate ourselves in the word of God and make sure we are not being misled. I do feel as though I was misled thinking it wrong to be anywhere close to not only being LGBT but acting on upon it.
When you say LGBT what does that stand for?
It stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transsexual.
Did you always feel these gender issues?
Yeah my gender issues are constantly growing every single day and getting worse. At 1st it started with because I was comparing myself to other transsexuals transition stories then I stopped do that and it simply went away but then it came back again. It came back this time because I started noticing that all along I had been also comparing myself to Cisgirls and that is just as bad. I have always wanted to get pregnant and realized that from a trip down memory lane when I would pretend to be pregnant but in private because I felt that I had so much shame and wanted to keep that to myself.
What kind of environment did you grow up in?
I grew up in a Christian Conservative Fundamentalist upbringing and was brought up in traditions, traditions that I was simply to continue on with and one day get married, get the white picket fence with some pets and some children and simply pass that onto them. My dad in particular wanted me to be his “Mini Me” and every time that I felt short of his expectations. Like he so badly wanted me to be a Conservative and be Electrical Engineer and be a Good Ole Christian Man just like him which is why I was named after him.
What is your legal name by any chance?
Well that is a very personal question and very offensive because I do not identify as that. I do however still go by that name only in legal situations till I get it changed legally and also plan on changing my gender marker to as well.
What is the name that want to change to legally and why?
I am going to when I have both the time and money going to change it too Sara Ashley Cole. I have always loved the name Sara and Ashley and figured it rolled of the tongue better as Sara Ashley and Cole it took me 6 months to come up with being that I wanted both my own identity to distance myself from my family’s and yet close enough that it wouldn’t take long to get used to it. A transgirl a friend of mine that I met earlier this year told me that I can change my gender before SRS and the legal loophole is this…I can buy a 2 yr passport being that it is easier to change my gender on there and turn around and have my gender marker changed on my Driver’s License.
Were you raised in a religious environment? If so what is your background?
Yeah I was raised in a Church of Christ environment.
When coming out as a transsexual did you stop going to church or keep right on going?
Yeah I got to admit I gave up my faith for 3 weeks and plus at the time I was mad at God for not answering my prayer about not having me a transsexual and live like anyone else. But then friends told me well She did just not the answer I wanted and went to a LGBT Church conference thanks to a friend of mine that I had come out to that simply accepts me for who I am and she works at a church that is very progressive for their preschool so she arranged for me to see her and that minister paid for my weekend to that conference which is now my church home where I am totally loved for who I am. I am now involved serving communion, singing Alto in the Choir and my unofficial family as I refer to them the Burnfields take me out to lunch. They act more like my family than my blood family, like loving me unconditionally. Their youngest who just turned 8 simply sees me like any other girl and no questions about it either. Her parents told her and her sisters about me and yet none of them question my gender at all and that is simply amazing. Without people like that in my life I am not sure if I would have made it to where I am now and that just makes the tears flow, ones that are happy ones.
Any advice for those that are just starting to figure out who they are, like the future transsexuals?
Yes I sure do. If you love God with all of your heart and still want to be a Christian I suggest at looking at gaychurch.org and look in the area where you live and start making phone calls to those churches and ask if they accept transsexuals because not all do. If you are facing homelessness because of lack of income I would follow the street rules but at the same time not compromise your trans status though and do not go alone at night and surround yourself those you trust. I also advice go to couchsurging.org to see where you can go to temporally while you look to get yourself back on track and get some counseling/therapy for being a transsexual and tap into that person’s resources too. You may need to ask them but please do. OK?
What kinds of discrimination have you faced while living as a transsexual?
I have been refused work because of my gender identity issues and society feeling that I am a “Deceiver” trying to trick people to believing I am a woman. They feel that I am a man and will always be one which is totally ludicrous. Society set up these standard of living one’s life and expect you to live your life and on their terms.
How did your family respond to after coming out as a transsexual?
Like you would expect they say that I am going straight to hell for simply being myself. They used scriptures like Deuteronomy 22:5 which states: A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the God detests anyone who does this. But that doesn’t apply to me because I am a woman just a woman with male parts that does wear women’s clothing so I am not disobeying God’s law here. They also use the no effeminate man shall enter the kingdom of God which is heaven like according to where that passage is this…I Corinthians 6:9 which again doesn’t apply to me as before.
-Sara Ashley Cole
update on sara
Homeless: January 28, 2014 - September 15, 2014..."Never stop believing. There are bumps in the world and no matter how far and hard one falls never ever stop believing. Keep reaching for the stars. Live the dream and believe in it. Whatever your heart's desire is God will grant it not in your time frame but will deliver. Keeping the faith and trust in God and live according to her plans not the world's. I have climbed so many mountains, swam through many seas, crawled far and hard just to get where I am now and simply amazed. My hopes, dreams, and plans are on track to where they need to be and when. Never ever give up. Giving up is what the bigots want you to do." Sara Ashlee Cole
"moving on"
A song comes to mind when writing this post. It is a song by Martina McBride called "Anyway". I had been in my family's life since the day I was born. You see I was born in August 18, 1977 and my sister was born in September 4, 1981. My family and I have spent a little over 35 years before I came out of my closet as being a girl whose sexuality is developing at the time of this post. We went on vacations together as a family and went to church. The kinda church that I was raised in was Church of Christ. The church of christ is the kind of conservative especially when referring to those that are of LGBT like gays and lesbians and transsexuals. Me being a transsexual bisexual while this post is being written I struggled with my own identity. Now as long as you didn't act on your LGBT status there was no sin being created at all as long as you didn't fall into temptation is what I was taught. For many years I tried to conform to their ways and teachings which meant I was once upon a time a "Good Little Sponge." Being a good little sponge meant I was soaking all that I was being taught without doing my own research and simply trusting them they were teaching me right. They talk about discernment a lot in the church that I attended but when one simply tried they acted like one is going against the teachings.
But anyways after coming out to my parents then my sister which by the way disowned me for me simply trying to show authenticity to the world. Showing authenticity to the world meant that I was being honest and consistent when simply being the girl that I have always been. I have since been written out of the family Will and no longer see my family especially during the holidays and birthdays. Like for instance when my birthday came around this year I didn't celebrate it with them my 1st of many without them. Family has always been very important to me and the main reason why I choose to transition is to spare them the pain that my mom's friend had to endure when her son committed suicide. I choose to transition because if I don't then that would be my fate. I however choose another route which is to live which meant that I choose to transition to the girl I have always been which would and is making me happy. I am experiencing happiness that I have never truly experienced before, one that is authentic. When Shakespeare wrote in his infamous play "Hamlet" the line that everyone knows by heart: "To thine self be true" he meant to do not be self deceived. Well, for many years say decades I was being self deceived. I let Satan fool me into putting my own family that above God which is idolatry. Stated in the bible is do not worship idols and idols can be anything or anyone you place above God. You see I placed my family above God and so I might as well worshiped them because in a sense I was. I did that because I simply like any person out there even ones not transsexuals want and that is happiness, to be loved, to be accepted, and to be safe. But there is no excuse for not being true to yourself. Despite all that I have lost and well I have gained a lot I just keep right on the path that God, herself placed me on long ago. Daily I choose to follow God and her instructions for my life. I simply choose to transition to the girl that I am and live by faith that she will get me where she needs me to be and above all else safely. I transition ANYWAY despite losing my family and even though they choose to walk away from me I still deep down love them which is very hard. Our nature as people is to only love someone when they love us first. Jesus taught to love one another as we love ourselves. How could I do that when I was lying to myself who I was? So I had to accept myself for who I am and love God with all of my heart, soul, and strength. So no matter how hard it seems to transition then transition if that is the path one has been placed on even without those closet to you walking away from you.
-Sara Ashley Cole
But anyways after coming out to my parents then my sister which by the way disowned me for me simply trying to show authenticity to the world. Showing authenticity to the world meant that I was being honest and consistent when simply being the girl that I have always been. I have since been written out of the family Will and no longer see my family especially during the holidays and birthdays. Like for instance when my birthday came around this year I didn't celebrate it with them my 1st of many without them. Family has always been very important to me and the main reason why I choose to transition is to spare them the pain that my mom's friend had to endure when her son committed suicide. I choose to transition because if I don't then that would be my fate. I however choose another route which is to live which meant that I choose to transition to the girl I have always been which would and is making me happy. I am experiencing happiness that I have never truly experienced before, one that is authentic. When Shakespeare wrote in his infamous play "Hamlet" the line that everyone knows by heart: "To thine self be true" he meant to do not be self deceived. Well, for many years say decades I was being self deceived. I let Satan fool me into putting my own family that above God which is idolatry. Stated in the bible is do not worship idols and idols can be anything or anyone you place above God. You see I placed my family above God and so I might as well worshiped them because in a sense I was. I did that because I simply like any person out there even ones not transsexuals want and that is happiness, to be loved, to be accepted, and to be safe. But there is no excuse for not being true to yourself. Despite all that I have lost and well I have gained a lot I just keep right on the path that God, herself placed me on long ago. Daily I choose to follow God and her instructions for my life. I simply choose to transition to the girl that I am and live by faith that she will get me where she needs me to be and above all else safely. I transition ANYWAY despite losing my family and even though they choose to walk away from me I still deep down love them which is very hard. Our nature as people is to only love someone when they love us first. Jesus taught to love one another as we love ourselves. How could I do that when I was lying to myself who I was? So I had to accept myself for who I am and love God with all of my heart, soul, and strength. So no matter how hard it seems to transition then transition if that is the path one has been placed on even without those closet to you walking away from you.
-Sara Ashley Cole
"Blessed among LGBT Community"
For many years I denied who I was for many decades. I hated on the LGBT Community and even more on the Trans Community and yet as I have been socially transitioning to the girl I no longer deny myself being I am so welcomed with open arms. They simply understand and accept my apology or even say that I do not need to apologize as they understand why I had to. I may not have said anything hateful to them in person but my silence spoke volumes. My avoidance to being around anyone LGBT especially trans was to avoid getting "the disease" and not become one of you. But all that avoiding didn't prevent me from becoming one of you. In fact I was "Born This Way" as Lady Gaga's song states. In fact I love these part of the lyrics the most: I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way. Enough said.
-Sara Ashley Cole
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this way. Enough said.
-Sara Ashley Cole
places online to find me
https://www.facebook.com/sara.cole.18062533
saraashleycole.wordpress.com
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Hoosiers-4-Trans-Equality/929900350359744?ref=hl
@hoosiers4trans -Twitter
Experience Project-saraashley
@saraashleytrans- Personal Twitter
[email protected] under flickr/yahoo email
saraashleycole.wordpress.com
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Hoosiers-4-Trans-Equality/929900350359744?ref=hl
@hoosiers4trans -Twitter
Experience Project-saraashley
@saraashleytrans- Personal Twitter
[email protected] under flickr/yahoo email
"Socially living full time not enough 4 me anymore"
Well I have been living as the authentic me for a little over 13 months and while it has been great my gender dysphoria has been slowly getting worse. Gender dysphoria is where when one's gender is in conflict with their sex. Most people are not aware of gender identity. Gender is who you are in your brain and gender identity is what you feel you are rather be male, female, agender, bigender and sex is what you are rather male or female depending what you have or do not have between your legs. Most people are lucky to have both their gender and sex aligned while others like me well do not. The more I go on with life and being who I am from the outside in made me feel much better it doesn't complete me all the way. My gender dysphoria is slowly getting worse. Every time I compare myself to Cisgirls I get really jealous. I know from within myself that my mind and body are not congruent and I need Estrogen to slowly get the 2 congruent and eventually I will need to the necessary surgeries FFS and SRS to further get me to completion. Getting to completion has been and will be my goal till completed. Being completed will make me be all the way the person that I know down deep that I am.
A lot of girls like me are not so lucky that they are either not out to their families out of fear for losing them, their jobs are at jeopardy or where they reside. Society though slowly changing in the right direction is still not where it should be. Too many people and religion are still getting in the way of progress for the trans community. A lot of people feel that it is a bathroom issue as in girls like me trying to get a peak into the stalls where Cisgirls are and that is just not the case. I use the women's restroom like any other woman going to the restroom or checking my hair and makeup. We are not out to recruit or molest little children. We are simply trying to live our lives on our terms not others. Open your hearts and minds and let some good ole education catch you up to speed. K?
A lot of girls like me are not so lucky that they are either not out to their families out of fear for losing them, their jobs are at jeopardy or where they reside. Society though slowly changing in the right direction is still not where it should be. Too many people and religion are still getting in the way of progress for the trans community. A lot of people feel that it is a bathroom issue as in girls like me trying to get a peak into the stalls where Cisgirls are and that is just not the case. I use the women's restroom like any other woman going to the restroom or checking my hair and makeup. We are not out to recruit or molest little children. We are simply trying to live our lives on our terms not others. Open your hearts and minds and let some good ole education catch you up to speed. K?
transphobia
Transphobia pertains to the fear of transsexuals. It directly affects ones own issues that pertains to those around us to question their own issues surrounding gender identity, sexual orientation or even both. "Potluck Christians" or the "Radical Feminists" are the ones that are leading the "Transphobia Attacks". They feel that if there is enough hatred and fear of transsexuals that we will simply disappear and it doesn't matter if it is out of suicide or demise at the hands of such violence directed at us. It doesn't sound very much like Christianity at all or even "Christ-Like" at all. I can't see a God or Christ showing this much intolerance just because one identifies as the opposite sex that society sees us as. Gender identity is completely different then that of sexual orientation. First gender is defined to one's mind rather that be of male or female. Gender Identity is what one perceives they are eternally rather that is male or female. Now sexual orientation is determined whom you are attracted to rather that be gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual. So as you can see sexual orientation is very much different than gender identity. My sex is male but my gender is female making me a transsexual female and I am attracted to both men and women rather they are trans or Cis but lean towards women and trans. I feel more comfortable with transsexuals because another transsexual rather male or female know what I am going through and so I can safely reveal my transsexuality to them more so than Cisgender male or female.
Letter to Governor mike pence
gender on driver's license
http://transequality.org/news07.html