transgender v. transsexual
http://www.diffen.com/difference/Transgender_vs_Transsexual
Sara cole Bio
Born: August 18, 1977 Phoenix, AZ
Located now: Bloomington, IN
HS: Edgewood Class: 1997
College: Ivy Tech Community College Degree: AAS Office Adminstration; Concentration: Medical Dec.2011
College: Ivy Tech Community College Degree: AAS Accounting March 2003
Sara was born into a Christian Conservative Fundamentalist home back in August 18, 1977 in Phoenix, AZ. She tried to live as the male she was socialized into being with all of her being. With her upbringing into the family she was born into her parents instilled in her at a very early age that if you are LGBT and acted upon it that she was destined for the gates of hell to live out eternally with Satan and his angels. So with all of her being she tried being a boy that she was told she was. She played football with the other boys and basketball even played with toys that were and still being deemed as boy toys like cars and trucks. But all the while she knew she was not like the other boys though she tried with all of her might. She would ask even strangers why is she so wired differently emotionally speaking? She would cry and her dad would tell her that boys don't cry and to stiffen that upper lip and be a good little soldier and yet she still couldn't control her crying. She would secretly play with Barbies and pretend that she was pregnant. Then later in life she would find 2 dresses in her closet and wondered how they got there. She saw them and her eyes lit up and quickly closed the door to her bedroom and locked it and took off her "boy clothes" and try on each dress and felt wonderful. She quit doing that being in fear of being caught by her dad. She wanted so very much to have his approval and would do anything to get his love. But everything that she ever done could not get her dad to show the love she greatly wanted. Her dad would try to instill in her what a Christian man should live his life. Like for instance he would teach her how to fix a car and do maintenance on it but she was so bored and had absolutely no desire to learn that stuff. Her job while living at home was to mow the lawn and she absolutely despised doing so because she has and will always hated getting all sweaty and dirty.
Fast forward to the present. She came out to her family back in June 22nd of 2013 and was given an ultimatum to detransition and go back to live as the boy she was socialized as or she would not have them as her parents. She has since then had to learn how to live without them in her life and still a work in progress. But she remains positive despite having them no longer in her life.
Q&A with Sara and her journey
If you have any questions for Sara she will be so happy to answer them. Please be respectful and be ready to be educated too. Send your questions to [email protected] and she will get back with you as soon as possible. Do not ask for pictures or any other unreasonable request like for nudes as she will not respond to those. Those that only want to satisfy their fantasies such as "Chasers" will not be tolerated and will have their email deleted and ignored. Do not send pictures of yourselves especially with your privates. Now if you send pictures of you transitioning and without showing your genitals that will be accepted. No I will not be accepting your Facebook requests or my Facebook unless you are respectful of it and will take a case by case look at those requests in your emails too.
advise for trans allies
Credit: gladd
The following are tips that can be used as you move toward becoming a better ally of transsexual people. Of course, this list is not exhaustive and cannot include all the "right" things to do or say - because often there is no one "right" answer to every situation you might encounter.
When you become an ally of transsexual people, your actions will help change the culture, making society a better, safer place for transsexual people - and for non-transsexual people who violate gender expectations.
You can't tell if someone is transsexual just by looking.
Transsexual people don't all look a certain way or come from the same background, and many may not appear "visibly trans." It's not possible to look around a room and "see" if there are any transsexual people. (It would be like a straight person looking around the room to "see" if there are any gay people.) You should assume that there may be transsexual people at any gathering.
Don't make assumptions about a transsexual person's sexual orientation.
Gender identity is different than sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is about who we're attracted to. Gender identity is about our own personal sense of being male or female (or someone outside that binary.) Transsexual people can be gay, lesbian, bisexual or straight.
If you don't know what pronouns to use, ask.
Be polite and respectful when you ask a person which pronoun they prefer. Then use that pronoun and encourage others to do so. If you accidently use the wrong pronoun, apologize quickly and sincerely, then move on. The bigger deal you make out of the situation, the more uncomfortable it is for everyone.
Understand the differences between "coming out" as lesbian, bisexual, or gay and "coming out" as transsexual.
"Coming out" to other people as lesbian, gay, or bisexual is typically seen as revealing a "truth" that allows others to know your authentic self. The LGB community places great importance and value on the idea of being "out" in order to be happy and whole. When a transsexual person has transitioned and is living as their authentic gender - that is their "truth." The world is now seeing them as their true selves. Unfortunately, sometimes when others discover a person is transsexual they no longer see the person as a "real" man or woman - and it can feel disempowering for a transsexual person to have that experience. Some people (like Janet Mock) may choose to publicly discuss their lives in an effort to raise awareness and make cultural change. But please don't assume that it's necessary for a transsexual person to be "out" to everyone in order to feel happy and whole.
Be careful about confidentiality, disclosure, and "outing."
Some transsexual people feel comfortable disclosing their transsexual status to others, and some do not. Knowing a transsexual person's status is personal information and it is up to them to share it. Do not casually share this information, or "gossip" about a person you know or think is transsexual. Not only is this an invasion of privacy, it also can have negative consequences in a world that is very intolerant of gender difference - transsexual people can lose jobs, housing, friends, or even their lives upon revelation of their transsexual status.
Avoid backhanded compliments or "helpful" tips.
While you may intend to be supportive, comments like the following can be hurtful or even insulting:
"I would have never known you were transsexual. You look so pretty."
"You look just like a real woman."
"She's so gorgeous, I would have never guessed she was transsexual."
"He's so hot, I'd date him even though he's transsexual."
"You're so brave."
"You'd pass so much better if you wore less/more make-up, had a better wig, etc."
"Have you considered a voice coach?"
Be patient with a person who is questioning or exploring their gender identity.
A person who is questioning or exploring their gender identity may take some time to find out what identity and/or gender expression is best for them. They might, for example, choose a new name or pronoun, and then decide at a later time to change the name or pronoun again. Do your best to be respectful and use the name and/or pronoun requested.
Respect the terminology a transsexual person uses to describe their identity.
The transsexual community uses many different terms to describe their experiences. Respect the term (transgender, transsexual, genderqueer, cross-dresser, etc) a person uses to describe themselves. If a person is not sure of which identity label fits them best, give them the time and space to figure it out for themselves. Don't tell them which term you think they should use. You wouldn't like your identity to be defined by others, so please allow others to define themselves.
Understand there is no "right" or "wrong" way to transition - and that it is different for every person.
Some transsexual people access medical care like hormones and surgery as part of their transition. Some transsexual people want their authentic gender identity to be recognized without hormones or surgery. Some transsexual people cannot access medical care, hormones, and/or surgery due to lack of financial resources. A transsexual identity is not dependent on medical procedures. Just accept that if someone tells you they are transsexual - they are.
Don't ask a transsexual person what their "real name" is.
For some transsexual people, being associated with their birth name is a tremendous source of anxiety, or it is simply a part of their life they wish to leave behind. Respect the name a transsexual person is currently using. If you already know someone's prior name don't share it without the person's explicit permission.
Don't ask about a transsexual person's genitals or surgical status.
It wouldn't be appropriate to ask a non-transsexual person about the appearance or status of their genitalia, so it isn't appropriate to ask a transsexual person that question either. Likewise, don't ask if a transsexual person has had "the surgery" or if they are "pre-op" or "post-op." If a transsexual person wants to talk to you about such matters, let them bring it up.
Don't ask a transsexual person how they have sex.
Similar to the questions above about genitalia and surgery - it wouldn't be appropriate to ask a non-transsexual person about how they have sex, so the same courtesy should be extended to transsexual people.
Challenge anti-transsexual remarks or jokes in public spaces - including LGB spaces.
You may hear anti-transsexual comments from anti-LGBT activists - but you may also hear them from LGB people. Someone may think because they're gay it's ok for them to use certain words or tell jokes about transsexual people. It's important to confront the former and educate the latter.
Support gender neutral public restrooms.
Some transsexual and gender non-conforming people may not match the little signs on the restroom door. Encourage schools, businesses and agencies to have single user, unisex and/or gender neutral bathroom options. Make it clear in your organization that transsexual and gender non-conforming people are welcome to use whichever restroom they feel comfortable using.
Make your organization truly trans-inclusive.
"LGBT" is now a commonplace term that joins lesbian, bisexual, gay, and transsexual under the same acronym. If an organization or group lists "transsexual" as part of its name or mission statement, it needs to truly understand the needs of the transsexual community and involve transsexual people in all aspects of the group's work.
At meetings and events, set a transsexual-inclusive tone.
At a meeting where not everyone is known, consider asking people to introduce themselves with their name and preferred pronouns - for example, "Hi, I'm Nick and I prefer he and him." This sends the message that you are not making assumptions about anyone's gender, and that people are free to self-identify. As the leader, start with yourself and use a serious tone that will hopefully discourage others from dismissing the activity with a joke. Also, in a group setting, identify people by articles of clothing instead of being using gendered language - for example, the "person in the blue shirt," instead of the "woman in the front." Similarly, "Sir" and "Madam" are best avoided. If bathrooms in the meeting space are not already gender neutral, ask if it's possible to put gender neutral signs so that transsexual people feel more welcome.
Listen to transsexual people.
The best way to be an ally is to listen with an open mind to transsexual people when they talk about their lives. Talk to transsexual people in your community. Check out books, films, YouTube channels, and transsexual blogs to find out more about transsexual lives.
Know your own limits as an ally.
When speaking with a transsexual person who may have sought you out for support or guidance, don't be afraid to admit when you don't know something. Volunteer to work with the person to find appropriate resources. It is better to admit you don't know something than to make assumptions or say something that may be incorrect or hurtful.
The following are tips that can be used as you move toward becoming a better ally of transsexual people. Of course, this list is not exhaustive and cannot include all the "right" things to do or say - because often there is no one "right" answer to every situation you might encounter.
When you become an ally of transsexual people, your actions will help change the culture, making society a better, safer place for transsexual people - and for non-transsexual people who violate gender expectations.
You can't tell if someone is transsexual just by looking.
Transsexual people don't all look a certain way or come from the same background, and many may not appear "visibly trans." It's not possible to look around a room and "see" if there are any transsexual people. (It would be like a straight person looking around the room to "see" if there are any gay people.) You should assume that there may be transsexual people at any gathering.
Don't make assumptions about a transsexual person's sexual orientation.
Gender identity is different than sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is about who we're attracted to. Gender identity is about our own personal sense of being male or female (or someone outside that binary.) Transsexual people can be gay, lesbian, bisexual or straight.
If you don't know what pronouns to use, ask.
Be polite and respectful when you ask a person which pronoun they prefer. Then use that pronoun and encourage others to do so. If you accidently use the wrong pronoun, apologize quickly and sincerely, then move on. The bigger deal you make out of the situation, the more uncomfortable it is for everyone.
Understand the differences between "coming out" as lesbian, bisexual, or gay and "coming out" as transsexual.
"Coming out" to other people as lesbian, gay, or bisexual is typically seen as revealing a "truth" that allows others to know your authentic self. The LGB community places great importance and value on the idea of being "out" in order to be happy and whole. When a transsexual person has transitioned and is living as their authentic gender - that is their "truth." The world is now seeing them as their true selves. Unfortunately, sometimes when others discover a person is transsexual they no longer see the person as a "real" man or woman - and it can feel disempowering for a transsexual person to have that experience. Some people (like Janet Mock) may choose to publicly discuss their lives in an effort to raise awareness and make cultural change. But please don't assume that it's necessary for a transsexual person to be "out" to everyone in order to feel happy and whole.
Be careful about confidentiality, disclosure, and "outing."
Some transsexual people feel comfortable disclosing their transsexual status to others, and some do not. Knowing a transsexual person's status is personal information and it is up to them to share it. Do not casually share this information, or "gossip" about a person you know or think is transsexual. Not only is this an invasion of privacy, it also can have negative consequences in a world that is very intolerant of gender difference - transsexual people can lose jobs, housing, friends, or even their lives upon revelation of their transsexual status.
Avoid backhanded compliments or "helpful" tips.
While you may intend to be supportive, comments like the following can be hurtful or even insulting:
"I would have never known you were transsexual. You look so pretty."
"You look just like a real woman."
"She's so gorgeous, I would have never guessed she was transsexual."
"He's so hot, I'd date him even though he's transsexual."
"You're so brave."
"You'd pass so much better if you wore less/more make-up, had a better wig, etc."
"Have you considered a voice coach?"
Be patient with a person who is questioning or exploring their gender identity.
A person who is questioning or exploring their gender identity may take some time to find out what identity and/or gender expression is best for them. They might, for example, choose a new name or pronoun, and then decide at a later time to change the name or pronoun again. Do your best to be respectful and use the name and/or pronoun requested.
Respect the terminology a transsexual person uses to describe their identity.
The transsexual community uses many different terms to describe their experiences. Respect the term (transgender, transsexual, genderqueer, cross-dresser, etc) a person uses to describe themselves. If a person is not sure of which identity label fits them best, give them the time and space to figure it out for themselves. Don't tell them which term you think they should use. You wouldn't like your identity to be defined by others, so please allow others to define themselves.
Understand there is no "right" or "wrong" way to transition - and that it is different for every person.
Some transsexual people access medical care like hormones and surgery as part of their transition. Some transsexual people want their authentic gender identity to be recognized without hormones or surgery. Some transsexual people cannot access medical care, hormones, and/or surgery due to lack of financial resources. A transsexual identity is not dependent on medical procedures. Just accept that if someone tells you they are transsexual - they are.
Don't ask a transsexual person what their "real name" is.
For some transsexual people, being associated with their birth name is a tremendous source of anxiety, or it is simply a part of their life they wish to leave behind. Respect the name a transsexual person is currently using. If you already know someone's prior name don't share it without the person's explicit permission.
Don't ask about a transsexual person's genitals or surgical status.
It wouldn't be appropriate to ask a non-transsexual person about the appearance or status of their genitalia, so it isn't appropriate to ask a transsexual person that question either. Likewise, don't ask if a transsexual person has had "the surgery" or if they are "pre-op" or "post-op." If a transsexual person wants to talk to you about such matters, let them bring it up.
Don't ask a transsexual person how they have sex.
Similar to the questions above about genitalia and surgery - it wouldn't be appropriate to ask a non-transsexual person about how they have sex, so the same courtesy should be extended to transsexual people.
Challenge anti-transsexual remarks or jokes in public spaces - including LGB spaces.
You may hear anti-transsexual comments from anti-LGBT activists - but you may also hear them from LGB people. Someone may think because they're gay it's ok for them to use certain words or tell jokes about transsexual people. It's important to confront the former and educate the latter.
Support gender neutral public restrooms.
Some transsexual and gender non-conforming people may not match the little signs on the restroom door. Encourage schools, businesses and agencies to have single user, unisex and/or gender neutral bathroom options. Make it clear in your organization that transsexual and gender non-conforming people are welcome to use whichever restroom they feel comfortable using.
Make your organization truly trans-inclusive.
"LGBT" is now a commonplace term that joins lesbian, bisexual, gay, and transsexual under the same acronym. If an organization or group lists "transsexual" as part of its name or mission statement, it needs to truly understand the needs of the transsexual community and involve transsexual people in all aspects of the group's work.
At meetings and events, set a transsexual-inclusive tone.
At a meeting where not everyone is known, consider asking people to introduce themselves with their name and preferred pronouns - for example, "Hi, I'm Nick and I prefer he and him." This sends the message that you are not making assumptions about anyone's gender, and that people are free to self-identify. As the leader, start with yourself and use a serious tone that will hopefully discourage others from dismissing the activity with a joke. Also, in a group setting, identify people by articles of clothing instead of being using gendered language - for example, the "person in the blue shirt," instead of the "woman in the front." Similarly, "Sir" and "Madam" are best avoided. If bathrooms in the meeting space are not already gender neutral, ask if it's possible to put gender neutral signs so that transsexual people feel more welcome.
Listen to transsexual people.
The best way to be an ally is to listen with an open mind to transsexual people when they talk about their lives. Talk to transsexual people in your community. Check out books, films, YouTube channels, and transsexual blogs to find out more about transsexual lives.
Know your own limits as an ally.
When speaking with a transsexual person who may have sought you out for support or guidance, don't be afraid to admit when you don't know something. Volunteer to work with the person to find appropriate resources. It is better to admit you don't know something than to make assumptions or say something that may be incorrect or hurtful.
Advice for Feeling Blue
1. Choose to Be HappySometimes it is a literal choice that you have to mentally make. It is that mental picture of the fork in the road where one road is happiness and one road is sadness. I like to use a surfing analogy here: most often, the way you are looking is the way you are going to travel. If you are happy and looking up, you will travel up.
2. Replace those Bad Thoughts with Happy OnesIn a sports psychology class I took they gave the actual example of athletes picturing a stop sign in their mind any time a self-defeating thought came up. The stop sign was to signal that they needed a stop in their behavior and change. Anytime you are having "down" thoughts, replace them.
3. Take a BreakNot many of us make the most rational decisions when we are upset. Take a break, refresh and come back when you have a clearer picture of what needs to happen. Being upset does not result in many productive actions.
4. Do Something FunHopefully when choosing to do something fun we choose to do something constructive that will help us in the long run. For example, something fun might be talking on the phone with a friend, exercising or working on a certain hobby. I will be the first person to admit that I really like chocolate, but eating it is not always the healthy answer.
5. Count Your BlessingsNo matter what, there is always something to be thankful for. One time I was shoveling rocks with a roommate and she started commenting on how great it was to be doing this together and what a beautiful day it was. We had a great time.
Make the choice to be happy, and do it today. Yes there is a time for sadness, but quickly replace it with happiness. It is better for health, it improves your outlook on life and I also believe it is contagious. How will you spread the happiness today?
credit: http://www.familyshare.com/5-ways-to-be-happy (Gina Baker)
2. Replace those Bad Thoughts with Happy OnesIn a sports psychology class I took they gave the actual example of athletes picturing a stop sign in their mind any time a self-defeating thought came up. The stop sign was to signal that they needed a stop in their behavior and change. Anytime you are having "down" thoughts, replace them.
3. Take a BreakNot many of us make the most rational decisions when we are upset. Take a break, refresh and come back when you have a clearer picture of what needs to happen. Being upset does not result in many productive actions.
4. Do Something FunHopefully when choosing to do something fun we choose to do something constructive that will help us in the long run. For example, something fun might be talking on the phone with a friend, exercising or working on a certain hobby. I will be the first person to admit that I really like chocolate, but eating it is not always the healthy answer.
5. Count Your BlessingsNo matter what, there is always something to be thankful for. One time I was shoveling rocks with a roommate and she started commenting on how great it was to be doing this together and what a beautiful day it was. We had a great time.
Make the choice to be happy, and do it today. Yes there is a time for sadness, but quickly replace it with happiness. It is better for health, it improves your outlook on life and I also believe it is contagious. How will you spread the happiness today?
credit: http://www.familyshare.com/5-ways-to-be-happy (Gina Baker)