"Sara's Trans PHILOSOPHIES"
Coming soon. Will post these once a week and currently working on 1st ONE.
Personal interview with Sara
For you is this transitioning to your perceived gender just a phase?
Deep down I have always had these feelings of being a girl in the wrong body. I have always been drawn to things what Cisgirls have been socialized to do.
When you mean cisgirls can you tell to others what that is?
Cisgirls are ones where their gender and sex is that of female. When one is born you are assigned a sex at birth and sex depends what you have between one’s legs or not. Gender is who you feel you are rather that be male or female. When the body is aligned with the mind is another way of putting it.
How far are you going to transition?
I am going to do my FFS which stands for Facial feminization surgery which gives my appearance a more feminine look and it depends on just how much the hormones make me look feminine. Now I do not need a trachea shave because I have no Adam’s Apple in the 1st place so that will save me money. I also eventually plan on having my SRS which stands for Sex Reassignment Surgery. Now my threshold of pain is very low and there is a lot of pain when having the outside of ones male parts cut on the outer layer and fashioned to make like an artificial vagina and before the surgery the male part does shrink so what is left of it after having the testicles cut off is the rerouted inside. After the surgery it takes quite a while to heal like as in a year but slowly over time it starts to look like it should have like it should have in the 1st place. I just feel like this is the path that God has put me on and simply testing my faith to see if I do trust in her with all of my heart.
What all did you think about to make you transition to your perceived gender?
I just had to do some soul searching because I had always been drawn to what the world perceives as girly stuff and take an honest hard look at myself. I had to finally come clean to my feelings and thinking back what all has happened to me and why it just now all makes sense of who I am and all the whys. It just all connects and so it finally all makes complete sense. I used to once upon a time thought I was a crossdresser being that I got sexual thrill to it but only for a short period of time. It was like I literally I both physically woke up to myself and those sexual stimulation all went away and these thoughts of me being a girl trapped in the wrong body and those very feelings have grown all the more. I have what is called gender dysphoria and my therapist that my church, First United Church paid for 4 sessions been officially declared suffering from gender dysphoria and sense then have had a letter written for me to start HRT.
When did you start HRT?
Well though I have been cleared to start HRT I have not been able to do it because at this time I am homeless and unemployed all because of discrimination due to my gender identity issues. You see my parents, well my dad is the one that is doing all he can do to get me to live my life as the male that I was socialized as. He like many think it is all in the chromosomes because of his religious upbringing think just that. But I feel that we question what we are being taught and simply educate ourselves in the word of God and make sure we are not being misled. I do feel as though I was misled thinking it wrong to be anywhere close to not only being LGBT but acting on upon it.
When you say LGBT what does that stand for?
It stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transsexual.
Did you always feel these gender issues?
Yeah my gender issues are constantly growing every single day and getting worse. At 1st it started with because I was comparing myself to other transsexuals transition stories then I stopped do that and it simply went away but then it came back again. It came back this time because I started noticing that all along I had been also comparing myself to Cisgirls and that is just as bad. I have always wanted to get pregnant and realized that from a trip down memory lane when I would pretend to be pregnant but in private because I felt that I had so much shame and wanted to keep that to myself.
What kind of environment did you grow up in?
I grew up in a Christian Conservative Fundamentalist upbringing and was brought up in traditions, traditions that I was simply to continue on with and one day get married, get the white picket fence with some pets and some children and simply pass that onto them. My dad in particular wanted me to be his “Mini Me” and every time that I felt short of his expectations. Like he so badly wanted me to be a Conservative and be Electrical Engineer and be a Good Ole Christian Man just like him which is why I was named after him.
What is your legal name by any chance?
Well that is a very personal question and very offensive because I do not identify as that. I do however still go by that name only in legal situations till I get it changed legally and also plan on changing my gender marker to as well.
What is the name that want to change to legally and why?
I am going to when I have both the time and money going to change it too Sara Ashley Cole. I have always loved the name Sara and Ashley and figured it rolled of the tongue better as Sara Ashley and Cole it took me 6 months to come up with being that I wanted both my own identity to distance myself from my family’s and yet close enough that it wouldn’t take long to get used to it. A transgirl a friend of mine that I met earlier this year told me that I can change my gender before SRS and the legal loophole is this…I can buy a 2 yr passport being that it is easier to change my gender on there and turn around and have my gender marker changed on my Driver’s License.
Were you raised in a religious environment? If so what is your background?
Yeah I was raised in a Church of Christ environment.
When coming out as a transsexual did you stop going to church or keep right on going?
Yeah I got to admit I gave up my faith for 3 weeks and plus at the time I was mad at God for not answering my prayer about not having me a transsexual and live like anyone else. But then friends told me well She did just not the answer I wanted and went to a LGBT Church conference thanks to a friend of mine that I had come out to that simply accepts me for who I am and she works at a church that is very progressive for their preschool so she arranged for me to see her and that minister paid for my weekend to that conference which is now my church home where I am totally loved for who I am. I am now involved serving communion, singing Alto in the Choir and my unofficial family as I refer to them the Burnfields take me out to lunch. They act more like my family than my blood family, like loving me unconditionally. Their youngest who just turned 8 simply sees me like any other girl and no questions about it either. Her parents told her and her sisters about me and yet none of them question my gender at all and that is simply amazing. Without people like that in my life I am not sure if I would have made it to where I am now and that just makes the tears flow, ones that are happy ones.
Any advice for those that are just starting to figure out who they are, like the future transsexuals?
Yes I sure do. If you love God with all of your heart and still want to be a Christian I suggest at looking at gaychurch.org and look in the area where you live and start making phone calls to those churches and ask if they accept transsexuals because not all do. If you are facing homelessness because of lack of income I would follow the street rules but at the same time not compromise your trans status though and do not go alone at night and surround yourself those you trust. I also advice go to couchsurging.org to see where you can go to temporally while you look to get yourself back on track and get some counseling/therapy for being a transsexual and tap into that person’s resources too. You may need to ask them but please do. OK?
What kinds of discrimination have you faced while living as a transsexual?
I have been refused work because of my gender identity issues and society feeling that I am a “Deceiver” trying to trick people to believing I am a woman. They feel that I am a man and will always be one which is totally ludicrous. Society set up these standard of living one’s life and expect you to live your life and on their terms.
How did your family respond to after coming out as a transsexual?
Like you would expect they say that I am going straight to hell for simply being myself. They used scriptures like Deuteronomy 22:5 which states: A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the God detests anyone who does this. But that doesn’t apply to me because I am a woman just a woman with male parts that does wear women’s clothing so I am not disobeying God’s law here. They also use the no effeminate man shall enter the kingdom of God which is heaven like according to where that passage is this…I Corinthians 6:9 which again doesn’t apply to me as before.
Deep down I have always had these feelings of being a girl in the wrong body. I have always been drawn to things what Cisgirls have been socialized to do.
When you mean cisgirls can you tell to others what that is?
Cisgirls are ones where their gender and sex is that of female. When one is born you are assigned a sex at birth and sex depends what you have between one’s legs or not. Gender is who you feel you are rather that be male or female. When the body is aligned with the mind is another way of putting it.
How far are you going to transition?
I am going to do my FFS which stands for Facial feminization surgery which gives my appearance a more feminine look and it depends on just how much the hormones make me look feminine. Now I do not need a trachea shave because I have no Adam’s Apple in the 1st place so that will save me money. I also eventually plan on having my SRS which stands for Sex Reassignment Surgery. Now my threshold of pain is very low and there is a lot of pain when having the outside of ones male parts cut on the outer layer and fashioned to make like an artificial vagina and before the surgery the male part does shrink so what is left of it after having the testicles cut off is the rerouted inside. After the surgery it takes quite a while to heal like as in a year but slowly over time it starts to look like it should have like it should have in the 1st place. I just feel like this is the path that God has put me on and simply testing my faith to see if I do trust in her with all of my heart.
What all did you think about to make you transition to your perceived gender?
I just had to do some soul searching because I had always been drawn to what the world perceives as girly stuff and take an honest hard look at myself. I had to finally come clean to my feelings and thinking back what all has happened to me and why it just now all makes sense of who I am and all the whys. It just all connects and so it finally all makes complete sense. I used to once upon a time thought I was a crossdresser being that I got sexual thrill to it but only for a short period of time. It was like I literally I both physically woke up to myself and those sexual stimulation all went away and these thoughts of me being a girl trapped in the wrong body and those very feelings have grown all the more. I have what is called gender dysphoria and my therapist that my church, First United Church paid for 4 sessions been officially declared suffering from gender dysphoria and sense then have had a letter written for me to start HRT.
When did you start HRT?
Well though I have been cleared to start HRT I have not been able to do it because at this time I am homeless and unemployed all because of discrimination due to my gender identity issues. You see my parents, well my dad is the one that is doing all he can do to get me to live my life as the male that I was socialized as. He like many think it is all in the chromosomes because of his religious upbringing think just that. But I feel that we question what we are being taught and simply educate ourselves in the word of God and make sure we are not being misled. I do feel as though I was misled thinking it wrong to be anywhere close to not only being LGBT but acting on upon it.
When you say LGBT what does that stand for?
It stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transsexual.
Did you always feel these gender issues?
Yeah my gender issues are constantly growing every single day and getting worse. At 1st it started with because I was comparing myself to other transsexuals transition stories then I stopped do that and it simply went away but then it came back again. It came back this time because I started noticing that all along I had been also comparing myself to Cisgirls and that is just as bad. I have always wanted to get pregnant and realized that from a trip down memory lane when I would pretend to be pregnant but in private because I felt that I had so much shame and wanted to keep that to myself.
What kind of environment did you grow up in?
I grew up in a Christian Conservative Fundamentalist upbringing and was brought up in traditions, traditions that I was simply to continue on with and one day get married, get the white picket fence with some pets and some children and simply pass that onto them. My dad in particular wanted me to be his “Mini Me” and every time that I felt short of his expectations. Like he so badly wanted me to be a Conservative and be Electrical Engineer and be a Good Ole Christian Man just like him which is why I was named after him.
What is your legal name by any chance?
Well that is a very personal question and very offensive because I do not identify as that. I do however still go by that name only in legal situations till I get it changed legally and also plan on changing my gender marker to as well.
What is the name that want to change to legally and why?
I am going to when I have both the time and money going to change it too Sara Ashley Cole. I have always loved the name Sara and Ashley and figured it rolled of the tongue better as Sara Ashley and Cole it took me 6 months to come up with being that I wanted both my own identity to distance myself from my family’s and yet close enough that it wouldn’t take long to get used to it. A transgirl a friend of mine that I met earlier this year told me that I can change my gender before SRS and the legal loophole is this…I can buy a 2 yr passport being that it is easier to change my gender on there and turn around and have my gender marker changed on my Driver’s License.
Were you raised in a religious environment? If so what is your background?
Yeah I was raised in a Church of Christ environment.
When coming out as a transsexual did you stop going to church or keep right on going?
Yeah I got to admit I gave up my faith for 3 weeks and plus at the time I was mad at God for not answering my prayer about not having me a transsexual and live like anyone else. But then friends told me well She did just not the answer I wanted and went to a LGBT Church conference thanks to a friend of mine that I had come out to that simply accepts me for who I am and she works at a church that is very progressive for their preschool so she arranged for me to see her and that minister paid for my weekend to that conference which is now my church home where I am totally loved for who I am. I am now involved serving communion, singing Alto in the Choir and my unofficial family as I refer to them the Burnfields take me out to lunch. They act more like my family than my blood family, like loving me unconditionally. Their youngest who just turned 8 simply sees me like any other girl and no questions about it either. Her parents told her and her sisters about me and yet none of them question my gender at all and that is simply amazing. Without people like that in my life I am not sure if I would have made it to where I am now and that just makes the tears flow, ones that are happy ones.
Any advice for those that are just starting to figure out who they are, like the future transsexuals?
Yes I sure do. If you love God with all of your heart and still want to be a Christian I suggest at looking at gaychurch.org and look in the area where you live and start making phone calls to those churches and ask if they accept transsexuals because not all do. If you are facing homelessness because of lack of income I would follow the street rules but at the same time not compromise your trans status though and do not go alone at night and surround yourself those you trust. I also advice go to couchsurging.org to see where you can go to temporally while you look to get yourself back on track and get some counseling/therapy for being a transsexual and tap into that person’s resources too. You may need to ask them but please do. OK?
What kinds of discrimination have you faced while living as a transsexual?
I have been refused work because of my gender identity issues and society feeling that I am a “Deceiver” trying to trick people to believing I am a woman. They feel that I am a man and will always be one which is totally ludicrous. Society set up these standard of living one’s life and expect you to live your life and on their terms.
How did your family respond to after coming out as a transsexual?
Like you would expect they say that I am going straight to hell for simply being myself. They used scriptures like Deuteronomy 22:5 which states: A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the God detests anyone who does this. But that doesn’t apply to me because I am a woman just a woman with male parts that does wear women’s clothing so I am not disobeying God’s law here. They also use the no effeminate man shall enter the kingdom of God which is heaven like according to where that passage is this…I Corinthians 6:9 which again doesn’t apply to me as before.
" Transsexual using restroom/changing room"
Purpose/Act: According to Bloomington RESTROOMS AND DRESSING ROOMS
The Bloomington Human Rights Ordinance says that it is not a discriminatory practice "to maintain separate restrooms or dressing rooms" on the basis of sex. The ordinance also prohibits discrimination on the basis of gender identity. Reconciling these two provisions sometimes can be problematic. The difficulty arises when an anatomical male wishes to use a women's restroom, or vice versa.
Suggestions: If you have single occupancy restrooms, designate them as unisex when possible.
- If you don't have a single occupancy restroom, and you have an employee who is transitioning to the other sex, consider giving the employee an "in use" sign to post on the restroom door while she or he is inside.
- If people object to transgender individuals using "their" restrooms,
provide educational opportunities to help explain why, for example, the
male-to-female transgender person wants to use the women's restroom,
and to help explain why women are objecting to this. An open discussion provides an opportunity to air, and we hope to resolve, specific concerns.
- Consider, if you don't have accessible restrooms, installing a restroom that is accessible to people with disabilities and designating it as a unisex accessible restroom. The federal Americans with Disabilities Act requires places of accommodations to make their restrooms accessible if doing so is readily achievable, or affordable. Such restrooms not only help people with disabilities and transgender people, but they also help families, such as a mother with a son who needs to use the restroom.
- In dressing rooms or locker-rooms, take steps to create private areas by
installing curtains or cubicles.
- Regardless of the approach you take to address this issue, you retain the right to resolve reasonable privacy and safety concerns. If an individual is presenting a privacy or safety concern, you have the right and the obligation to deal with those actions appropriately.
We believe that if everyone concerned approaches these issues with respect to all, the problems usually can be resolved.
https://bloomington.in.gov/documents/viewDocument.php?document_id=2150
The Bloomington Human Rights Ordinance says that it is not a discriminatory practice "to maintain separate restrooms or dressing rooms" on the basis of sex. The ordinance also prohibits discrimination on the basis of gender identity. Reconciling these two provisions sometimes can be problematic. The difficulty arises when an anatomical male wishes to use a women's restroom, or vice versa.
Suggestions: If you have single occupancy restrooms, designate them as unisex when possible.
- If you don't have a single occupancy restroom, and you have an employee who is transitioning to the other sex, consider giving the employee an "in use" sign to post on the restroom door while she or he is inside.
- If people object to transgender individuals using "their" restrooms,
provide educational opportunities to help explain why, for example, the
male-to-female transgender person wants to use the women's restroom,
and to help explain why women are objecting to this. An open discussion provides an opportunity to air, and we hope to resolve, specific concerns.
- Consider, if you don't have accessible restrooms, installing a restroom that is accessible to people with disabilities and designating it as a unisex accessible restroom. The federal Americans with Disabilities Act requires places of accommodations to make their restrooms accessible if doing so is readily achievable, or affordable. Such restrooms not only help people with disabilities and transgender people, but they also help families, such as a mother with a son who needs to use the restroom.
- In dressing rooms or locker-rooms, take steps to create private areas by
installing curtains or cubicles.
- Regardless of the approach you take to address this issue, you retain the right to resolve reasonable privacy and safety concerns. If an individual is presenting a privacy or safety concern, you have the right and the obligation to deal with those actions appropriately.
We believe that if everyone concerned approaches these issues with respect to all, the problems usually can be resolved.
https://bloomington.in.gov/documents/viewDocument.php?document_id=2150
"Getting official documents changed to reflect true gender"
Getting official documents changed to reflect true gender
I wanted to give some fresh links and figures of cost.
1) I went through the IN.gov site and downloaded and filled out this form: http://www.in.gov/judiciary/selfservice/forms/name-change.pdf
2) I took all of this paperwork to my local county courthouse and filed it. It did not have to be notarized or certified or anything. I simply filled in my reason as "lifestyle change." The cost for filing was $137.
3) The clerk sent the information to the local newpaper for me and it was advertized once a week for 3 weeks. The newspaper sent me a bill and a form stating which days my notice was published. The cost for the newpaper printing was $25.
4) A few days later, I received a letter from the courthouse giving me a date and time to appear for my hearing. I wasn't given the choice of a date but they said they could change it if I wanted. They chose the earliest date for me to come since they figured I wanted to finish it as soon as possible.
5) I returned to the courthouse with the form the newspaper sent me and the Notice of Filing Proof of Publication.
6) I then waited until the court date and appeared as instructed. I dressed casually but more masculine. I entered the courtroom and checked-in with the bailiff. My name was called and the judge asked me 5 questions.
1) Did I want to change my name as stated in the paperwork I had filed?
2) What is my current name?
3) What is the name I wanted to change it to?
4) Was I changing my name to evade any debtors or creditors? and
5) Did I have any questions? The hearing took all of 10 minutes and I walked out with 3 photocopies of the court order.
7) I took the photocopied court order to the clerk's office and asked for them to be certified. They only asked for $1 per copy. I went ahead and got 7 just in case. I figured I needed a copy for the bank, social security office, work, BMV, passport, birth certificate and other degrees I had achieved that required an order to change. As it turns out, none of the social security office, BMC, passport or office of vital records for my birth certificate kept the court orders. I have yet to be asked for one that wasn't given back to me. My total cost for the entire process including 7 certified court orders was: $169.
Hopefully this is helpful for others trying to go through this in Indiana.
http://www.tsroadmap.com/reality/name/indiana.html
I wanted to give some fresh links and figures of cost.
1) I went through the IN.gov site and downloaded and filled out this form: http://www.in.gov/judiciary/selfservice/forms/name-change.pdf
2) I took all of this paperwork to my local county courthouse and filed it. It did not have to be notarized or certified or anything. I simply filled in my reason as "lifestyle change." The cost for filing was $137.
3) The clerk sent the information to the local newpaper for me and it was advertized once a week for 3 weeks. The newspaper sent me a bill and a form stating which days my notice was published. The cost for the newpaper printing was $25.
4) A few days later, I received a letter from the courthouse giving me a date and time to appear for my hearing. I wasn't given the choice of a date but they said they could change it if I wanted. They chose the earliest date for me to come since they figured I wanted to finish it as soon as possible.
5) I returned to the courthouse with the form the newspaper sent me and the Notice of Filing Proof of Publication.
6) I then waited until the court date and appeared as instructed. I dressed casually but more masculine. I entered the courtroom and checked-in with the bailiff. My name was called and the judge asked me 5 questions.
1) Did I want to change my name as stated in the paperwork I had filed?
2) What is my current name?
3) What is the name I wanted to change it to?
4) Was I changing my name to evade any debtors or creditors? and
5) Did I have any questions? The hearing took all of 10 minutes and I walked out with 3 photocopies of the court order.
7) I took the photocopied court order to the clerk's office and asked for them to be certified. They only asked for $1 per copy. I went ahead and got 7 just in case. I figured I needed a copy for the bank, social security office, work, BMV, passport, birth certificate and other degrees I had achieved that required an order to change. As it turns out, none of the social security office, BMC, passport or office of vital records for my birth certificate kept the court orders. I have yet to be asked for one that wasn't given back to me. My total cost for the entire process including 7 certified court orders was: $169.
Hopefully this is helpful for others trying to go through this in Indiana.
http://www.tsroadmap.com/reality/name/indiana.html
Before coming out I thought I knew myself. I thought I knew what I enjoyed to do or watch on TV. I thought I knew how I stood politically and who I got attracted to as in who I wanted to date. But the person that I got to know was the facade I would hide behind for decades. You see I was raised in a very Christian Conservative Fundamentalist home where I was taught to live a very traditional kind of living. For years I had to live with a secret one that I had planned to take with me to the grave one day. But the more that I tried to live just like anyone else the more I became dissatisfied with my way of life. I grew very depressed, miserable, and flat out angry. I was depressed because I was hiding a secret which made me lie to myself and to the rest of the world. Having a secret that only I knew made me feel really dirty which in turn made me angry. You ask why am I so angry and to whom? Those are good questions. Well let's see how I can explain that, OK? You see when you are hiding a secret, the one huge puzzle piece that is missing just who I am that makes you keep people at an arm's length away even those closest to you. You see society teaches you certain values in life especially when one is raised in the kinda house that I grew up in you can see why. Early in my life anyone that identified as what we now refer to as LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transsexual) and acts upon it we are taught that one is granted a one-way ticket straight to hell. America was founded on Christian Principles and back then you had a certain standard of living . It was founded in a time of traditional values to which many still cling to. Being LGBT in many people's eyes is considered to being evil which leads to hell. Though the tide is slowly changing to being more accepting of someone that is LGBT and so the numbers are slowly tilting that way and with the numbers on the other side getting smaller and smaller they feel they have to voice their opinion louder and louder to make up the difference.
Fast forward after much soul-searching I had come to know that I am a transsexual lesbian for most of my year socially transitioning to the girl that I have always been. Unlocking the girl that I had been all of my life from the basement of my head and letting my big beautiful butterfly wings flap feels so liberated. Being liberated lets me come to know the real and authentic me of who I had been all along within my very being. Coming out is so very hard but even harder when one comes out as transsexual and a lesbian at the same time. A friend of mine said that I came out of the walk-in closet and anyways I came out once again but this time as a bisexual. The more comfortable I am becoming the more I am coming to know just who I am and finding out that while I still am attracted to girls rather they be Cis or trans I am also attracted to men too. Like my attraction to women I am also attracted to cis and transmen too. Now I feel much more comfortable being in a relationship with another trans rather it be a women or man because I do not have to worry about disclosing my trans status. Transsexual girls, we have to be careful because of our trans status seems to threaten society and so we can get raped, murdered, or both. Now in my next post I will have to discuss violence and transsexuality.
-Sara Ashley Cole/CEO/Trans Advocate-Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
Fast forward after much soul-searching I had come to know that I am a transsexual lesbian for most of my year socially transitioning to the girl that I have always been. Unlocking the girl that I had been all of my life from the basement of my head and letting my big beautiful butterfly wings flap feels so liberated. Being liberated lets me come to know the real and authentic me of who I had been all along within my very being. Coming out is so very hard but even harder when one comes out as transsexual and a lesbian at the same time. A friend of mine said that I came out of the walk-in closet and anyways I came out once again but this time as a bisexual. The more comfortable I am becoming the more I am coming to know just who I am and finding out that while I still am attracted to girls rather they be Cis or trans I am also attracted to men too. Like my attraction to women I am also attracted to cis and transmen too. Now I feel much more comfortable being in a relationship with another trans rather it be a women or man because I do not have to worry about disclosing my trans status. Transsexual girls, we have to be careful because of our trans status seems to threaten society and so we can get raped, murdered, or both. Now in my next post I will have to discuss violence and transsexuality.
-Sara Ashley Cole/CEO/Trans Advocate-Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
gender dysphoria
Whether you go with the term gender dysphoria or GID (Gender Identity Disorder) it is not something that I enjoy dealing with but non the less I experience it many times a day. It was much worse when I was still in the closet and improved when I finally started living at the girl I am really. But living full time only goes so far because when one knows their body isn't congruent with their brain emotional pain just gets to you. The more you know your own body is not congruent with your own mind you will experience an emotional roller coaster. My body knows it needs Estrogen to start making my body congruent with my mind. My life is like having me trapped in the wrong body and wondering when will I be in the correct body. I have been a girl all of my life just that I was raised in a kind of home where anyone in the range of the LGBT community and active on it is taught that one is going straight to hell for doing so. You see I was wired very differently than all the other boys as I was raised and socialized as a boy. All of my life I felt as though my own skin is crawling and my walls closing in slowly trying to suck the life out of me because I knew down deep that I am in the wrong body. Those that don't suffer from gender dysphoria never ever have their gender questioned or asked about their genitalia to do have or not have. When I came out to myself I knew that I am going to have SRS to make myself complete. I know nowadays of why I suffered from depression, was always angry, and downright miserable to be around it was because I knew deep within me that I was lying to myself and to others my true identity and mad at the world feeling I had to hide who I am truly. Those people who are cisgendered only can show sympathy while I know what transpeople are going through and can show empathy.
I am a 37 MTF Pre Op Transsexual. I have had these feelings of me being a girl all of my life but for most of my life I was socialized as a boy. I tried so very hard to fit into society as a straight Christian Conservative Male and that was because that was the kind of life I was raised into. I was what you would refer to as living in a very sheltered environment and was taught that that if one would stray from their box they were put into that one was deemed for the very fires of hell. There are 2 boxes that one is either put into one if you are a male by society that you are supposed be masculine and attracted to females. If you are female by society you are supposed to be feminine and be attracted to males. In their eyes if you stray out of the very box that one was put into like me for instance then you are destined for the gates of hell. Now if you are male and transition to female you in their eyes are throwing your male card at them that to them is a betrayal. To them it is a betrayal because in this cisgendered life the male is a privilege and they see it is as you are casually throwing aside the straight male privilege. To them we are perverted and we will never truly be girls because of our chromosomes. But gender is determined more than in the chromosomes like take for instance it can also be determined in the brains too. But trying to convince them of that is like ramming your head into a brick wall. By also trying so very hard to convince them of this is like trying to get your validation from them. But the only validation you need is your own so one has to not try so hard to convince them of this by simply live your life and on your terms. The best way to get people to accept you as you are is simply live on your terms every single day and be consistent. Consistency is the best way to approach those who are dead set against you because the more they see this the more authentic you become in their eyes and authenticity has a way with drawing people to be for you and not against you. I have found those closest to me seeing me live my life day in day out that they see me live my life authentically and so honestly. Being honest not only with myself but others has a way with me healing mentally. I have been not healthy mentally because I am estranged from my family because they do not agree with me transitioning to the girl I have always been. But being surrounded by those that do share with me that accept me for who I am and them seeing me being so authentic with my own life and doing whatever it takes for me to be who I am from the inside out just simply draws them closer to me and in turn makes me heal mentally that I am to do anything that I need to do what it takes to become the woman I am so meant to be. Being the face of transsexuality does take a toll on me but I am still more than able to be just that but I got to sometimes make time for myself and that means taking a break and simply let my hair down once in a while. So I need to work on my discipline and make time for myself.
The more I continue to transition socially who I am eternally the more disconnected I am becoming from the person who I used to identify as. I still am legally known as Gary Coldiron, Jr. and anything that is legally binding kind of document I still have to sign my legal name and use my birth name with which is getting harder and harder to do. The more I transition the more disconnected I am to that legal name and I badly need to legally change my name and gender marker so that makes me finding a place to live all the more important I need to put my life back together. I have been accepted for Section 8 Housing Voucher after they changed their policy to put the homeless at the top of the list of priority and now I need to find an apartment that will accept me and my voucher and move in. Then after that I need to find a job so I can start earning my money and save to put into a savings account and slowly set up a checking account once again so I can live life like any other person. With money in hand I can do more transitioning so I can physically transition like get on Estrogen, progesterone and Testosterone Blockers so my body can start to look like it is supposed to and then do electrolysis so I can look even more feminine and slowly begin to blend into society. Then one day I can have Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS) and look even more feminine and then do my SRS and finally be all done and simply live my life.
Today I know was one of those days where I have so much to do but know that it is important for all the transsexuals here in the great state of Indiana and to be exact Bloomington, Indiana. Yesterday I got an interview request from the local college called Indiana Daily Student (IDS) and scheduled to meet with them today and do an interview. So had an interview with me being homeless and living in this homeless shelter called Martha’s House and them discriminating against me. They discriminated against me by asking me after telling them that I am a transsexual female if I had the surgery you know the one that is known as Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) which is not appropriate question to ask a transsexual woman. That is a little too personal. It would be like me asking them to see their genitals but the cisgendered person never gets that request or having their gender ever coming into question. Too many people when they hear the term transsexual always think of sex and people being sexually deviant but it is more of an inner feeling of one’s internal gender which for us is different than the world’s perceived gender which in turn means that one is transsexual. So anyways they had me live on the male side of the shelter and I was so desperate to live indoors in the winter time I did what I had to survive the bitter cold winter. But I didn’t stay there very long because the other homeless made me feel so very uncomfortable because they were uncomfortable with someone they perceived as a man trying so hard to be a woman. The men there were either verbally abusive to me or very distant. Being there on their side the side that I do not feel that I identify as made me very uncomfortable too. The other problem there that I had was getting early in the morning and simply and put on my face in the morning so I can present as the gender I am eternally on the outside. The man in the morning that worked there didn’t care that I need to do this so I can present my true self to the world. No matter how early in the morning I got up it still didn’t matter to him he I felt also is what you would call a bigot too. So anyways I will let you all know when there is more progress into my journey becoming the woman I am supposed to.
The more I continue to transition socially who I am eternally the more disconnected I am becoming from the person who I used to identify as. I still am legally known as Gary Coldiron, Jr. and anything that is legally binding kind of document I still have to sign my legal name and use my birth name with which is getting harder and harder to do. The more I transition the more disconnected I am to that legal name and I badly need to legally change my name and gender marker so that makes me finding a place to live all the more important I need to put my life back together. I have been accepted for Section 8 Housing Voucher after they changed their policy to put the homeless at the top of the list of priority and now I need to find an apartment that will accept me and my voucher and move in. Then after that I need to find a job so I can start earning my money and save to put into a savings account and slowly set up a checking account once again so I can live life like any other person. With money in hand I can do more transitioning so I can physically transition like get on Estrogen, progesterone and Testosterone Blockers so my body can start to look like it is supposed to and then do electrolysis so I can look even more feminine and slowly begin to blend into society. Then one day I can have Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS) and look even more feminine and then do my SRS and finally be all done and simply live my life.
Today I know was one of those days where I have so much to do but know that it is important for all the transsexuals here in the great state of Indiana and to be exact Bloomington, Indiana. Yesterday I got an interview request from the local college called Indiana Daily Student (IDS) and scheduled to meet with them today and do an interview. So had an interview with me being homeless and living in this homeless shelter called Martha’s House and them discriminating against me. They discriminated against me by asking me after telling them that I am a transsexual female if I had the surgery you know the one that is known as Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) which is not appropriate question to ask a transsexual woman. That is a little too personal. It would be like me asking them to see their genitals but the cisgendered person never gets that request or having their gender ever coming into question. Too many people when they hear the term transsexual always think of sex and people being sexually deviant but it is more of an inner feeling of one’s internal gender which for us is different than the world’s perceived gender which in turn means that one is transsexual. So anyways they had me live on the male side of the shelter and I was so desperate to live indoors in the winter time I did what I had to survive the bitter cold winter. But I didn’t stay there very long because the other homeless made me feel so very uncomfortable because they were uncomfortable with someone they perceived as a man trying so hard to be a woman. The men there were either verbally abusive to me or very distant. Being there on their side the side that I do not feel that I identify as made me very uncomfortable too. The other problem there that I had was getting early in the morning and simply and put on my face in the morning so I can present as the gender I am eternally on the outside. The man in the morning that worked there didn’t care that I need to do this so I can present my true self to the world. No matter how early in the morning I got up it still didn’t matter to him he I felt also is what you would call a bigot too. So anyways I will let you all know when there is more progress into my journey becoming the woman I am supposed to.
more than a transsexual
Now I am a transsexual but I am so much more than that. I have more depth though I am proud of who I am. I have so many things that I am passionate about. I am into so many things for instance I am in my church's choir and sing Alto. Singing in my choir it takes me away from what I am going through in my life like I can take my mind off being homeless. Every chance that I get to sing it takes me away from life's struggles and get a sense of peace during that time. I am a Progressive Christian and loves the way that Christ loves. I accept those that the world rejects like gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transsexuals, and others in the LGBT Community. I am an advocate for the LGBT and Trans Community as you can tell by the website here. God put me into existence of who I am as a transsexual bisexual and so I am very passionate when it comes to working to achieve equality all of God's dearly loved children. All should be free to express their authentic lives and show authenticity. I enjoy good conversation over a cup of coffee from my favorite spot, Starbucks. I love their Java Chip Frap which I have mine with soy milk, heavy on the whip along with their double chocolate brownie. I enjoy watching sports as I am too old and plus my body is too torn up to play. I enjoy watching Andrew Luck throwing passes that lead to scores and win games. I love the Bulls and it is hard to watch the Cubs continue on with their losing ways just hoping see them win the World Series but they are testing my patience. I love hanging out with friends and being silly as I let my hair down and take time away from being serious. I have so many talents like when it comes to computer software such as Microsoft Word, Excel, Access, PowerPoint, and Outlook. I can also work with Medical Manager and of course build this webpage. I especially going clothes shopping like shopping for dresses, skirts, blouses, tops, makeup. Oh how I love makeup as I am also trying to sell Mary Kay makeup, and love Nail Polish. I love watching TV and movies. I love Chick Flicks, and for TV I especially love watching Orange is the New Black, and The L Word. I love the movie TransAmerica. So I love Chick Flicks like I said, Comedy, Action, and Drama as well as LGBT ones too of course. I would love to be able to travel one day to like Paris, France, Santiago, Chile as well as the countryside in America too. I sure do love my ethnic foods as well, like Mexican, Chinese, Russian Food and no not their gov't just their food though, Italian. So as you can see I more than being a transsexual bisexual. I am a 3 dimensional kind of person one that is more complex. Before one judges anyone get to know the person before jumping to conclusions you might just meet your new best friend or even future spouse.
Sara's Job Experiences being a transsexual
When I 1st start working at Burger King as the Closing Cook it was soon afterwards I started getting the "itch" that I had back in Highschool to crossdressing and so I proceeded to buy my 1st dress and a pair of heels to dress after work to relieve my being stressed from work and soon I was buying makeup and wig to complete the illusion for that one month then I went to bed one night and those feelings of me being sexually aroused and simply releasing stress and literally woke up in September of being trapped in the wrong body. I started having trouble being focused with doing my tasks at work and focusing on not being true to myself and also thinking of how I was going to be rejected for losing my family for me making the decision to not only transition but all the way as in having Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) and so I would cry and even in the fetal position and my closing manager would ask me what is wrong and I answered that I am a woman trapped in the wrong body and she acted like she accepted me and told me that I need to accept who I am and that it is not my fault. I would then tell her that my family is going to reject me because of my being a transsexual. But shortly after she started writing me up for every little ticky tack thing she could and I confronted her about that asking her what I had told her by asking her: "Did what I tell you make you look at me any differently?" And she replied that it didn't but then she went right on writing me up until I was fired.
My other experience is when I was hired by an obviously gay guy at Select Staffing which works with Modus Link, PTS working on cell phones so they can be refurbished and sold at a cheaper price. My job there was inspecting the work done by the people doing data wipe which they had to wipe the data that was put on the phones by the previous owner and so I would make sure they did just that and also checked for the phone's cosmetics to see if there were any scratches, cracked screens, and if the phone was in working order. I have had trouble being on time in my previous jobs but that was not an issue at all and my numbers were going up but this guy in security that worked the metal detectors from the very 1st shift I worked had a problem with me and only saw me as a man wearing a dress and flats, with makeup, a wig and my nails painted. Well...one day he finally had an opportunity to get me releaved of my duties when I fell into his trap which was having the metal detectors recalibrated and I was really frustrated because it took of half my break just trying to get through it so I can eat my dinner so with frustration I threw my flats across the floor but in the opposite direction. He told my Supervisor that I threw my flats at him which is a lie. He just couldn't be around me because he was really uncomfortable being around me because like I said he could only see me as a guy trying so very hard to be a girl.
My other experience is when I was hired by an obviously gay guy at Select Staffing which works with Modus Link, PTS working on cell phones so they can be refurbished and sold at a cheaper price. My job there was inspecting the work done by the people doing data wipe which they had to wipe the data that was put on the phones by the previous owner and so I would make sure they did just that and also checked for the phone's cosmetics to see if there were any scratches, cracked screens, and if the phone was in working order. I have had trouble being on time in my previous jobs but that was not an issue at all and my numbers were going up but this guy in security that worked the metal detectors from the very 1st shift I worked had a problem with me and only saw me as a man wearing a dress and flats, with makeup, a wig and my nails painted. Well...one day he finally had an opportunity to get me releaved of my duties when I fell into his trap which was having the metal detectors recalibrated and I was really frustrated because it took of half my break just trying to get through it so I can eat my dinner so with frustration I threw my flats across the floor but in the opposite direction. He told my Supervisor that I threw my flats at him which is a lie. He just couldn't be around me because he was really uncomfortable being around me because like I said he could only see me as a guy trying so very hard to be a girl.
Hoosiers 4 trans Equality web traffic
future updates to web traffic
Sorry I will put up the numbers ASAP as I have been swamped with work and taking some personal time for taking care of business. Will try and update ASAP once again. I appreciate your patience! Have a great night. Remember be proud of who you are.
-Sara Cole, CEO/Trans Advocate-Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Sara Cole, CEO/Trans Advocate-Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
self pride
transphobia
There is so much wrong with society when it comes to the LGBT community especially to the Trans community. The trans community consists to anyone who lives outside the social norms. What people do not know that both gender and sexual orientation is so fluid. One can simply be any gender or express it and yet we do not choose this kind way of life but born this way. So many people try to judge on how one expresses themselves but have absolutely no clue what they are talking about at all. They base their knowledge off the bible and completely ignore scientific research out there. It has been found out though one is born of one gender but expresses the other gender then that individual is said to be a transsexual. I mean why would an individual choose to identify and express them self the gender they were not designed to be in the 1st place? If one would simply take the time to think this out they would realize that one would be discriminated against. They would face work place discrimination for simply being the opposite gender. They would face housing discrimination too as well and not allowed to have health insurance based on their gender expressions too. I have 1st hand experience of this because I lost not one job but two all because of my gender identity and how I expressed myself. I also lost my apartment for what my landlord says was in part because of failing to pay for rent and having someone who was not on my lease but I know for certain that they are traditionalists and think that God didn’t make one transsexual and feel as though I was kicked out for my gender identity. I tried to supplement my income by simply donating plasma but was told that I couldn’t all because I was seeking counseling for my gender identity and yet I have not at the time had an ounce of estrogen or testosterone blocker. I was told that I couldn’t because of the FDA regulations stated that since I have had counseling involving my gender identity that I couldn’t donate plasma. I have been trying to seek employment legitimally and even though the employer is trans friendly the clientele still go reject trans individuals and that the employer still cares about the bottom so trans individuals are still let go of. There are not a lot of options where both the employer and clientele are open to such individuals such as myself. So with that being said the only real option seems to be selling illegal drugs or soliciting of our bodies which is not a safe option at all. People seem to think being a transsexual is a choice and think that we can simply be who society sees us as but that is not the case for most of us. For that thought process by people like that is why I feel it is a time where we need to educate the masses because there a lot of people who are in the middle where they have not decided in either direction. Why educate those that already accept or reject us. Those that reject us will never accept being they think they are in the right and will not budge. Educating the choir is not an option either being they are already on board, so I say go with on the fence. But in the mean time we need to punish those individuals that take it a step further and make it a hate crime when a trans individual is attacked violently rather it be assault all the way to murder. But doing that makes those against us transsexuals even more mad and they get louder for that so I suggest any violent crime against any individual be a hate crime so that would take the focus off trans individuals instead. Because they see it as we are trying to be treated special and yet that is not the case but there are times making everyone free all at one time a better thing. Just making everyone happier even if not 100% is for the betterment of everyone involved and plus the trans community still can get protection without those who are against us ever knowing.
-Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality
-Sara Ashley Cole, Trans Activist Hoosiers 4 Trans Equality